02x10 - A Simple Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Frankie: Ah, Christmas. It's a regular feast for the senses. The smells, the sights, the sounds...

(Doorbell rings) If that's those charity wrapping paper kids again, they already hit us twice. They keep changing hats and scarves, but I recognize 'em. It's my parents.

Guys! Grandma and grandpa are here!

What? Now?

I thought they weren't coming till Christmas.

Mike, don't look surprised. I told you about this.

That was my mom.

My parents are coming a week early for Christmas.

They'll be staying for 12 days. That's cool with you, right?

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

(Crowd cheering on TV)

You purposely told me during a Colts game.

All I know is that I heard "yes." (Doorbell rings)

Frankie, 12 days?

Mike, I gotta let 'em in.

Yeah, and you can, in eight days.

Christmas is about family... (Doorbell rings)

Family that's outside right now getting very suspicious.

Just relax. It's gonna be fun. 12 days?

12 days is too long, Frankie.Nobody's fun for 12...

Both: Merry Christmas!

(Instrumental "The Twelve Days of Christmas" playing)

There's my big, gorgeous son-in-law! Mwah! How are ya?

Are we late?

No, no. Uh, you're even earlier than I expected.

Oh, baby! Hey! There they are!

Hi, Suzy Q! Oh, look at you. Look at you. Oh! You've grown. You've grown.

I brought... Fudge.

Awesome! Thanks, grandma!

Okay, guys, just a couple. Oh, Frankie.

It's fudge. It's Christmas.

Oh, mom gets out-mommed by grandma.

Merry Christmas to me.

Hey! Anybody notice I grew antlers?

(Laughter) I thought they'd be great for the family skit this year.

Got some for you, too. Dad, you're finally doing the skit with us?

Oh, don't worry, Sue. We're gonna get him this year.

Yeah, we've got 12 whole days to work on ya.

Oh-ho! Hey. Who's countin'?

(Laughter)

12 days, and he's already on me about the skit.

What kind of screwy family has to do a skit in the family room every Christmas? It just feels alien to you because your family's not fun. We're fun.

And you're a bunch of walking corpses who drink.

That's what I'm talking about.

You know, look at it this way...

After tonight, there's only 11 more days.

(Gasps) Oh, no.

I only have 11 days until Christmas?

I still have to shop for presents and find the stockings and finish the tree. Oh, my God!

Oh, and if you go out, I need a present this big for Sue.

What are you looking for? It doesn't matter.

I got Axl and Brick something this big, and it has to take up the same amount of floor space so it doesn't look like we have favorites.

Hey. How's this?

Oh, are you kidding?

We got this stupid shower radio for Axl last Christmas, and look. He didn't even open it.

Good. We'll give it to him again. He won't remember.

And this...

I spent $20 for rush delivery so the kids could open it Christmas morning only to have them dump it down here Christmas night. Ugh. You ow what?

Don't even tell me those things. It makes me kind of mad. Me, too.

I mean, I drive myself nuts running around buyin' all this stuff for them, and for what, Mike? Really, for what? Didn't you say you were looking for stockings?

Yeah. Ahh. Here they are, in the Easter box.

(Thud) What the hell is that?

It's the orange...

The orange I put in their stocking every year, you know?

'Cause during the depression, the only thing that my grandma got in her stocking was an orange, but she loved it and it was enough.

And that's why my mom put it in my stocking, we put one in our kids', 'cause I never want them to forget to appreciate something as pure and simple as an orange.

Look, you're always complaining about how hard Christmas is?

What if we found a way to... to find the true meaning of Christmas again?

I-I was thinking spend less money.

But that'd work, too.

♪

Listen, dad and I want to talk to you about something.

Mm. This can't be good. Relax.

We're doing a little thinking about Christmas.

It seems that we don't always appreciate it the way we should.

Oh, no, we appreciate it. Mm, we totally appreciate it.

Do you?

Exhibit "a."

Does anybody recognize that? We'll give you a hint.

One of you had to have it just last .

Well... it's lame, so I'll go with Sue.

Ooh! Sorry. We were looking for "Axl."

The correct answer is "Axl."

And it's not even opened. Wow. That is unappreciative.

Huh. That's funny you should say that, Sue.

Or should I say...

Exhibit "b."

Oh! Thank you! I've been looking for this.

Been in the middle of the pool table all year, right next to...

Exhibit "c"!

A word-a-day calendar? Well, you know that's not mine.

Brick stopped using it on January 2nd.

"And coincidentally, the word is irresponsible."

This is why your dad and I have decided to simplify things this year.

What?

Okay. (Sighs)

Guys...

I just feel like we've lost the meaning of Christmas.

Now grandma and grandpa are here.

We have 11 more days. Wouldn't it be great if we, as a family, could rethink just doing what we always do and find a way to reclaim Christmas... the good parts?

To truly experience the orange.

Oh, my God!

They're not getting us presents!

What's the orange again?

Is that true? Are you weenying out on getting us presents?

Calm down. Nobody's weenying out of anything.

There'll be presents, just maybe not so many. All 'cause of an orange?

What's the orange? You remember. From our stockings.

That stupid orange from when mom used to live on the prairie and all she got for Christmas was an orange. Uh, it wasn't frontier days, it's your great-grandmother during the depression.

How old do you think I am?

God, I don't know. I try not to think about you.

Aah! Axl be quiet, and please let our pretty young mother finish telling us about the presents.

Well, we thought instead of going crazy buying piles of crap, we could give you just a couple special things that would really mean something to you.

Yeah, and if you wanna get something for each other or your friends, you can earn the money.

Or make something homemade, from the heart.

From the... heart? Where is this coming from? It's Christmas!

(Sighs) Maybe it wouldn't be so bad...

Thinking of something special we really want?

Traitor! Sue!

It's kind of a nice thought.

I know one thing I would really like is a new diary.

(Sue gasps)

Oh, my God! How did you know?

We found it under a sweater on Brick's train set.

It's exhibit "d."

Well, once they got used to the idea, the "simple Christmas" thing really took off.

I had time to bake cookies with my mom, and since Sue wanted to buy gifts for everyone, she went out the next day and got herself a job. (Crunch)

Man: Hey! Sorry!

Even Axl surprised us and got into the spirit.

So, since we're doing this lame-o simple thing, and there's no way I'm spending my own money on you,

I'm giving you the most awesome gift of all... the gift of me.

Oh, but no hugging, no touching, no contact of any kind, and you've gotta decide within the next three seconds or the offer's void. (Speaks indistinctly)

(Whispers indistinctly)

What?

(Spits)

I want you to build me an igloo.

Oh, whew. I thought you were gonna... make me read.

Yep, the simple Christmas was bringing people together, even more together than some people would have hoped.

Heh! There you are!

Hey, did I ever tell you about my neighbor, Stan?

Found a tumor behind his eyeball big as a grapefruit.

Big as a grapefruit.

There you are! (Sighs)

Oh, me, too. I love the quiet.

My favorite part of being quiet is when two people get together...

Hey! There you are!

(Chuckles) What's that, snow you're shoveling there?

You know, I knew three guys d*ed shoveling snow?

(Choir) ♪ Follow me in merry measure ♪

(breathing heavily) So, what do you think, huh?

I thought we were doing a second story.

(Voice echoing) Where's the reading nook?

I was hoping it'd be next to the hearth. A hearth? Oh, my God.

This is, like, the first thing I've actually finished in my entire life, and you don't even appreciate it?

Not very orange-y of you, is it, Brick?

I'm gonna go inside and get something to eat.

If you built the kitchen I asked for, you wouldn't have to go in.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Axl, what are you doing?

You're getting the floor all wet. Are you on me, too? 'Cause I'm not a professional igloo builder. I'm doing my best. Clean up your mess.

It's just a little snow. He's a teenager.

That's what they do.

Uh, what was that? What was what?

This. You waved me off.

(Laughs) Don't be ridiculous, I did not. Aah! There! You're doing it again!

I'm his mom, and I need him to clean up his mess.

Okay, fine. (Sighs)

Axl, listen to your mom and clean up your mess.

I saw that.

What? You winked. You just winked.

Wh... there was something in my eye.

No, this is something in your eye.

This is a wink.

I know what a wink is. It means, "don't listen to your mom. She's crazy." (Gasps) It does not.

Oh, yes, it does. Janet and I do it about you all the time.

(Sighs)

Just wipe up the floor, Axl, before you leave the kitchen.

You heard your mother.

I'm already up. I'll just do it.

For seven days, Mike put up with my dad. But on the eighth day, he hid.

(Door creaks, sleigh bells jingle)

(Bells continue jingling)

There you are!

(Mumbling) Yeah! Just checkin' out the hot water heater. It's been actin' funny.

Maybe I can help you out. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I met the weatherman, Storm McMartin?

I mean, he was just walking along the street like nothing... Oh! Hey, look at...

Here it is. Yep. That's the problem.

Better go to the hardware store, get another one of these.

I'd ask you along, but... Sure, I'll keep you company.

(Sighs)

Okay, kids. What's up, grandma?

Well, your grandpa and I were chatting on the way down here, and we thought that we would give you all a little something extra...

It's not your Christmas.

It's just... for...

A-fun.

$100! Oh, my God!

Sue: Aah! Grandma, you're the best!

My first Benjamin!

Mom, that's an awful lot of money.

Oh, well, we can't take it with us, right?

Whoo-hoo!

I am done spinning arrows. I'm rich! (Laughs) Wait, wait, guys. Hang on.

Sue, you're making your own money. Doesn't that feel good?

And, Brick, you were excited about those coupons you were making for us. Let's be honest.

I was never really gonna honor 'em, anyway. (Sighs)

Mom... Hmm?

Listen, you didn't know this, but Mike and I decided to do a more simple Christmas this year...

You know, not about stuff and things, but more about family and being together. Oh. I'm sorry. I... I-I didn't know.

Okay, kids! Your mom wants you to give the money back.

What? Mom! No! No, mom, I'm not giving this back!

Mom, you can't do this to us! Come on. You heard her. No money.

No, no, no, no, no. You don't have to give the money back.

Why don't I put it in your bank accounts, where it'll make a nice half a percent?

Ugh.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ da da-da da-da, da-da da-da ♪

Ah, it feels good to sing. Not do the skit, tag.

Should we ask for help?

You know what we could do? We could split up. Excuse me, there... uh... Kevin. Hey, listen, would you help my son-in-law out here?

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

My friend, Cecil Maynard, wouldn't ask for help... guess what happened to him? Choking.

Bam! Face first, right in his soup. (Crunch)

Help me, Kevin. Whoa. Never seen one break like that through normal use.

Unfortunately, we don't have this part in stock right now, and we're not gonna get it in until after the holidays.

Sorry. You're looking at some cold showers.

I love a cold shower. You know what? Well...

(Choir) ♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪

He just keeps talking, Frankie.

You know how I feel about talking.

(Coughs) And he won't give up on that skit.

You really should the skit. What are you doing?

Oh, Brick ate too much fudge.

The poor kid just crawled behind the chair like a cat and barfed.

I told my mom to ease up on the fudge. She wouldn't listen.

Aha! She's gettin' to ya!

12 days startin' to feel a little long, Frankie?

For your information, this is the best Christmas of my life.

Ugh! How much fudge did he eat?

(Grunts) Whatcha got there?

Nothing.

Really? It looks like an igloo. Does it?

Oh, yeah. Sort of. I-I guess.

Axl! Glossners!

Wh-what happened?

They looked at the igloo and smiled!

Dude, you left it alone? They're gonna try and destroy it!

Get a rope, tennis racket, shovel, bicycle chain, and a frying pan! It's all in there!

Good news. Found a replacement part in Terra Haute.

Tag's on his power walk.

If you wait till he gets back, he can go with you.

Can't. Store's closing. Gotta go.

Hi, dad. We're gonna k*ll the glossners.

Okay! Have fun!

Ahh.

(Engine cranks) Oh, come on.

(Engine sputters)

(Sputters)

(Sleigh bells jingling)

(Engine resumes sputtering) Uhh!

(Bells continue jingling)

Come on!

(Sputtering continues)

(Jingling continues)

Come on! (Cranks)

(Starter grinds)

(Sputtering continues)

There you are! Aah!

(Engine starts)

(Laughs) Whew. Thought you were gonna leave without me.

So did I.

It was the night before Christmas, and mom was in her kerchief, and I was in my cap, and the kids were in the igloo trying to figure out how to k*ll the glossners.

Glossners are hiding in the bushes.

I saw them when grandma took fudge over to the Donahues.

I used her as a human shield. I'm cold. I told you we needed a fireplace.

You can't put a fireplace in an igloo!

The eskimos do it all the time.

Oh, my God, Brick. Eskimos aren't even real.

They're just in stories like leprechauns and trolls.

Would you two stop fighting? Look at us.

We're fighting with each other.

We're fighting with our neighbors.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of peace and joy, good will toward men... Even Glossners.

Somebody has to make the first gesture.

I'm going out there!

What are you doing? Don't, Sue, no!

(Sighs)

(Tune of "Hark! The Herald Angels sing") ♪ Lu lu lu lu ♪
♪ lu... ♪

After Sue crawled to safety under the car, I called a truce and sent the Glossners home and my kids to bed.

After all, it was the eve of our first simple Christmas, and it was perfect.

We did it. We didn't go overboard.

Sue's getting the iPod she wanted, Brick's talking globe, Axl a new amp.

You know what we filled this house with? Hmm?

Instead of gifts, we filled it with love.

Does that make you feel good?

Yep. One more day.

(Choir) ♪ Fa-la-la-la, la-la, la-la ♪
♪ fast away the old year passes, fa-la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la ♪

Mike: What the hell?

No. Those are Santa gifts Santa? Over there.

I don't know what these are.

From grandma and grandpa. Can you believe this?

Can you believe that she would do this?

I told her that we were doing a simple Christmas!

Okay. Well, she's not gettin' away with this.

What happened to "be patient" and "Christmas is about family"?

Oh, screw that. Look at all these presents!

You know what this is?

This is a big winking wave-off from my mom.

Yeah, well, I am the mom in this house, and what I say goes! What are you doing?

Gettin' these in the garage before the kids wake up!

Me on! Stuff some in a bag.

Ugh.

Mom... (Plastic crackles)

Why are you taking our presents? Why?

Uh...

See, the thing is, Brick...

Frankie, what on earth are you doing?

Presents! Sweet!

(Gasps) There's a kazillion presents over there!

No, no, no! Hey! Hey...

Guys, there's more of them over here! (Sue gasps)

No...

Brick: Take it over there.

Guys, guys! Did anybody look in their stocking and find a refreshing treat?

Hey, stop it. Guys, stop!

Stop it!

Frankie, why don't you let 'em open their presents?

Because I told you we were doing a simple Christmas!

(Laughs) Well, I didn't think you meant us, too.

Oh, you knew I meant you, too, and you ignored me!

You've been winking and waving at me all over the place since you got here! Well, I am sorry, Frankie, but there is no way I was participating in that insanity.

A simple Christmas is just really a lame idea.

I told you not to tell her that.

Well, you don't cut back at Christmas. It's Christmas!

Who are you people?

When I was a kid, for my allowance, I got one cent for every year of my life.

That means when I was 12, I got 12 pennies, mom.

12 pennies!

Well, back then, we were parents. Now we're grandparents.

We have to be grand. It's in the title!

There ain't no pockets in heaven.

Talking globe?! Thanks, grandma and grandpa!

You got him the talking globe?!

Yes, I did, and I would do it again! The only good thing about getting older is you get to be popular.

If I have to buy those kids' love, I will.

Let's get that straight right now.

We were trying to learn a lesson!

We were all gonna be better people! Yeah?

Well, I didn't drive 140 miles to watch my grandkids learn a lesson.

What, did you read an article or something?

Relax! Your kids are gonna be fine!

I just wanted them to have a heartfelt Christmas, you know, to appreciate the orange.

What's the orange?

The orange in the stocking!

Depression?

Your mom got an orange? She was really grateful?

Oh, God, that?

You get oranges year-round now. Who cares?

I care! I care! I care!

She always flips out at Christmas.

I think she gets too excited. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't you look at Mike like I'm the crazy one.

He is right in there with me. You're driving him nuts!

He hates it how you follow him all over the place, tellin' him all your stories! He hates it!

He hates it to himself, but he hates it!

(Exhales deeply)

(Singsongy) I told you to give Mike some space.

Hey, crazy.

(Crying) I'm a horrible, horrible person.

It's Christmas, and I yelled at my parents!

Frankie, I told you, nobody should have their family in their house for 12 days.

It goes against nature.

It's why animals in the wild don't come home for Christmas.

You're right. It's too long.

I just wanted everyone to remember this year as special, and now all they're gonna remember is that I got all grinchy and tried to steal the presents and went off on my mom.

They're not gonna remember it for that. Yes, they will.

No, they won't.How do you know?

'Cause they're gonna remember it for something else.

♪ Eight maids a-milking ♪ ♪ seven swans a-swimmin' ♪
♪ six geese a-layin' ♪

(flatly) ♪ five golden rings ♪
♪ four calling birds ♪ ♪ three French hens ♪
♪ two turtledoves ♪

(All) ♪ and a partridge in a pear tree ♪

It turned out to be one of our best Christmases yet.

Everyone remembered it as the year Mike finally did the skit, and the kids finally learned to appreciate the oranges.

And as for my parents and me? We're fine.

'Cause we know that no matter what gets said, we love each other, and after all, Christmas is about family. It's as simple as that.

(All) ♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪