02x18 - Spring Cleaning

[bunniefuu]

Frankie: Three days of spring break... that's all we tried to enjoy. Visit my sister... Hit the water park... I even remembered to tell Nancy donahue to bring in our mail for once. Just three days... But no...

Frankie, I'm so sorry to tell you this.

You've been robbed.

Your whole house has been ransacked.

Can't believe we got robbed!

What kind of stupid robbers would rob us?

I hope they didn't steal my books.

What about my cross-country sweatshirt?

I knew I should have brought it. If they stole your books and your cross-country sweatshirt, they're the nerdiest robbers ever. Oh, my God. My nunchakus.

Look, the important thing is that we're all safe.

Let's just all take a breath and calm down until we figure out what we're dealing with.

(Police radio chatter)

Oh. I'm so sorry. I came to bring in your "us weekly," and instead I brought you tragedy.

It's just so horrible.

It was horrible. 'Cause truth is, the house looked exactly the same as when we left it.

I'm sorry you had to see your house this way, folks.

These animals have no regard for human decency.

But it looks exactly... don't scream. It's okay. We still have each other.

As you clean up, keep track of what's missing for the insurance report.

Oh, no! They took my box of money!

And my Ferrari!

It was red. No, black. No...

Red with black seats. Glad you still got your sense of humor.

That's something no one can steal.

Anyway, we'll keep an eye out for your things.

Thanks. We'd appreciate that.

Uh, but don't take any time out from solving murders for it.

(Laughter)

(Police radio chatter continues)

As Captain of the neighborhood watch, I feel like I've let you down.

Uh, no, Nancy. The only ones to blame here are the evil, disgusting lowlifes who did this.

Oh, no. That wasn't too embarrassing.

That's it. We're pigs. It's spring. We're cleaning.

I mean, I just don't know how it got this bad.

Starving!

A box? Okay. This is officially the second-worst breakfast you've ever made. It's for cleaning.

What? You were serious? But it's spring break!

We're supposed to be chilling hard-core!

Chilling hard-core for 20 years is what let all this junk pile up.

I mean, the police had to come. We're criminally messy.

Mike: She's right.

The cops are looking for the people who did this.

Technically, we're on the lam, so hop to. But I was gonna go to the copy store today and copy all of my books in case we ever do get robbed.

By the way, I need 50,000 quarters. Okay, come on, you guys. This is gonna be way easier than we think. If we all work together, we're gonna be relaxing in a clean house by lunch.

Now let's start cleaning up the crap. Everything we own is crap.

(Sighs) Crap we use and...

Crap we don't use.

Now we're gonna have to be heartless.

If you haven't touched it in a year, toss it.

Oprah says we need to live for the life we're living today.

Be heartless. Got it.

We can't use this box for garbage!

This is the box my high chair came in.

(Chuckles)

(Sighs) Pay attention to the box names, people.

The inflatable foot bath is not "keep." It's "charity."

And I think the needy have enough problems without drinking our expired cough syrup.

Aw! It's Brick's second grade diorama!

Aw.

Mom! How can you just throw that out?

It's a beloved memento from your youngest son's childhood.

Brick, you remember your diorama, right?

Yeah.

Attaboy, Brick. Way to be heartless.

Mike, what are you doin'?

You can't put your coffee mug on the table.

It's a clean zone now. It's been inoculated.

One mug, one magazine, one backpack is permission for the whole thing to go South again.

Oh, that's nuts. Me putting my mug down is not gonna...

(Sighs)

(Singsongy) My bed's done!

You had all these in your room, and you still watched me eat pot roast out of a measuring cup last night?

(Clank)

(Thud)

(Sighs)

Uh, you think you might need this biology book tomorrow?

Ha. Spring break. No school tomorrow. Burn.

What about next week?

I'm living for the life I'm living today.

Axl! You're really gonna give away the "best brother" Oscar I gave you?

You b*at out Brick for it!

It was an honor just to be nominated.

One word... Buddha-ism. I don't need things.

I can walk away from all this in a heartbeat, even you guys. I'll just wander the earth as a peaceful nomad doing good deeds.

(Sighs)

Dude, mom, it's 3:00 and I'm still starving. You said we'd be done by now, and it's getting worse instead of better.

Well, I can't make anybody lunch if I can't get to the fridge, now can I? I say we clear one path to the fridge and one to the bathroom, and call it.

(Sighs) You're right. This isn't working.

You know what we're gonna do? We're going full Oprah.

Everything goes outside in the yard.

Nothing comes back through the front door unless you convince me that you truly love it and need it.

Sue, go outside. Mom!

(Sighs)

As always, Oprah was right.

Things were starting to look a little better...

Inside.

Yep, I'm sure this is how Oprah spends her Sundays, too.

Where do you want this thing anyway?

I found a bunch of m80s. Let's blow it up.

Just put it on the curb. Somebody will take it.

(Sighs)

Excuse me. I'm looking for oak street.

Oh, okay. What you want to do is turn left at the sign, go three blocks, veer right, then make the second left.

Thanks.

(Vehicle departs)

(Bell rings)

Hey, I got a history test coming up.

Who was Abraham Lincoln's vice president?

Actually, he had two...

Hannibal Hamlin, then Andrew Johnson, who became president after Lincoln was assassinated.

Sweet. Thanks.

(Bell rings)

Tell your friends!

Hey.

Did mom say you could bring those in?

Did mom say you could eat that candy bar?

I found it under the couch.

Why do you even need those stupid curlers?

They're broken anyway.

I've had them since fourth grade.

What, are you afraid you're gonna hurt their feelings if you throw 'em out?

What? I-I was kidding. Oh, my God!

Sue thinks her curlers have feelings! No, I don't!

Really? What if I did this? No, no.

Ohh. Ooh. Stop it. Stop it! You're scaring it!

Scaring it? Oh, my God. This just gets better and better.

No. No, Axl. Axl, give them back! Give them back right now!

Hey. Stop! Stop! Stop! You can save one.

(High-pitched voice) Which one will it be, Sue? This one?

Or this one?

Please don't make me choose! Look, look, I know it's silly, but I used to put them in my hair in a different order each time so that none of them felt left out.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Sue. I didn't know...

You were out of your freaking mind!

Ugh! God, Axl!

Guys, stop standing around.

Come on now. There's no time for talking.

If we focus, we can finish by dinner.

(Crickets chirping, dog barking in distance)

All right. It's midnight. I'm calling this thing.

Everybody in. We'll finish tomorrow.

But what if somebody takes our stuff?

Then we'd be lucky.

But nobody took anything.

In fact, we woke up the next morning to even more stuff.

A cat carrier? We never had a cat.

Other people are dumping their stuff.

And we didn't finish that day, either.

After other people started dumping, we moved the stuff from the yard back into the family room. On the third day, it moved into the kitchen.

By the fourth day, we all went a little crazy.

We are never gonna get rid of all this stuff!

You know what we have to do? We have to get rid of ourselves.

Seriously. We'll just walk away and live in a van.

Yeah, we'll just travel around the country and... and learn about each other, and barter for things and food, and not fill our lives with possessions.

Fill our van with love.

(Sighs)

But this being America, in times of tragedy, there's always someone making a buck off of it.

So to get the full cardio benefit at your age and weight, your target heart rate should be 137 for about 20 minutes.

I.U. Has about 32,000 undergrads, while Notre dame only has eight.

Thanks. Hi. I have that information for you about tupperware.

If you want to call me back, I'll be here till 5:00.

Then I have to take a bath.

Next.

Come on. If you're not gonna support my van plan, help clear the stuff off the bed so we have someplace to sleep.

Hey, all this crap is your stuff, not mine.

All I got is maybe six things in that box over there.

I'm van-ready all the time.

Ooh, Mike only has six things. What do you want? A medal?

Sure. Give it to me, I'll throw it away.

Let me just see what six things made it into your special box.

Ohh. Floorboard from the I.U. Assembly hall I gave you for father's day. That's nice.

"Sports illustrated" from when the colts won the super bowl.

Okay. "Pro-con riding lawn mower." What's this?

Oh, that's my decision list.

I do one for every big decision I got to make.

"Pro... 25 horsepower. Con... less exercise."

You actually kept this?

Sure. That way I can go back and look at it in case I ever want to get another mower.

Really? That's so cute. Oh...

"Pro-con deck sealant"...

"Pro-con blender"...

"Pro-con marry Frankie"?

Oh, yeah. (Chuckles)

Uh-oh.

Seriously, Mike? You made a pro and con list about marrying me?

You know, you should be flattered that I took the time to mull it over.

A woman doesn't want to be mulled over, Mike.

She wants to think her husband just went with his heart.

And how many things that you bought with your heart are we throwing out right now?

No, no... pro-con. That's how I do things. That's my system.

Okay. Fine. Let's see why you wanted to marry me, hmm?

Pro number one... "tax break." Tax break?!

It's an all-inclusive list in no particular order.

Number two... "likes 'reservoir dogs.'" well, we both know that's a lie.

(Murmurs) Three... "pretty."

(Chuckles) Four... "great at"...

You didn't even finish this one. What exactly am I great at?

Letting things go?

Okay. There's only four pros on this list.

Actually, only three and a half 'cause the last one you didn't even finish, and there's, like, 15 cons! I said you were pretty.

"Cons"... Oh, let's not do this.

"Chatty." That was back when I thought I had to listen to everything you said.

"Loud"?

Now that comes in handy for yelling at the kids.

All right. I'll give you that one. "Cries"?

Got to be honest with you, still not a fan.

"The wine dance"?

It's called seduction, Mike.

Look, this was you 20 years ago. It's got nothing to do with you today, so let's just give it here.

No, no, no. Let's keep reading.

I'm really having fun learning how you think.

"Good mother question mark"?

But now we know that you are one, so let's just turn that question mark into an arrow and send it over to the pro. Or, even better...

We're trying to get rid of stuff?

Let's just get rid of the list!

Oh, no, no, no. I think you should keep it, just in case you ever want to get another wife.

(Pants) Word in the park says you can answer any question.

I was headed to lunch, but I got 30 seconds.

What's your question?

Why are my parents getting a divorce?

Guys, come on.

I told you to take this stuff to the donation place hours ago.

It's Sue's fault. She's been going back and forth on those curlers all day. She thinks they're alive.

I didn't say they're alive! I said they have feelings!

I know they don't. It's just...

I can't get rid of them, because then they might feel bad.

Which is ridiculous, 'cause they don't have feelings.

I just don't want them to feel abandoned, you know?

Well, Sue, don't think of it as abandoning them.

You're donating them.

And somewhere out there is a homeless man with straight hair, who will use these to curl his locks, get a job and change his life.

Really?

Okay.

Quick, run these to the car before she changes her mind.

Meanwhile, Brick was a bit thrown by the question from his latest client, but Brick being Brick, he turned to the wisdom of the ages.

My arm is k*lling me! Why couldn't we just tie this down?

Wait for it...

(Tires screech)

Tada! (Groans)

a*t*matic unload.

Oh, no. Closed?!

Ugh. Now we're gonna have to load everything back up.

No way. Let's just dump and run.

But... but the sign says, "do not leave items after hours."

(Grunts) There's no way we're carting all this crap back home.

Stop wussing out and help me.

(Groans)

(Man over p.A.) Do not leave items after hours.

Oh, no. They're watching us.

Chill. It's just a recording.

This is not just a recording.

You... boy with the red tricycle, girl with the straight hair, it is illegal to leave items after hours, per lndiana penal code 35-45, section 3.

Um, I'm sorry. It's just... We've come all this way and...

Screw 'em! We're done! Let's blow!

(Gasps) Uh...

We're really good kids! I promise!

(Engine starts)

Oh, no!

I was going to leave a note for whoever got the curlers.

You have to jiggle the plug.

You have to jiggle the plug!

Full house down there.

Maybe we can jam the rest of these boxes in the attic.

Yeah. Well, almost done up here.

Oh! Uh-oh. What's this?

Huh! "Pro-con Mike."

Oh, man. Is that thing still bugging you?

What? No. I just found this. I must have made this years ago.

It's on the back of Brick's report card from last week.

Fine. Whatever. Look, I might have some flaws, but believe me, you're no Brian Williams.

Let's take a little look-see at some of your many, many, many cons.

One... "freakishly tall." Two... "can't hit the toilet."

That's part of being tall.

(Sighs) Three... "mean in the morning."

Four... "list maker."

Five... your version of the wine dance...

"You up?"

Okay, Frankie, you made your point.

Oh, wait, wait. You want to hear your pros?

One... "absolutely amazing and fantastic at"...

Oops. I left it blank, and now I can't remember what you're absolutely amazing and fantastic at.

Frankie, it's a stupid paper from 20 years ago. Let it go.

Let it go? The blender has more pros than me!

Well, the blender crushes ice and turns off when I want it to.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. Am I being too chatty?

It's crazy that you even had to make a list to decide to marry me in the first place, considering... (Scoffs)

Considering what?

Considering who you were back then, the level of women you dated...

Let's just say you we pretty lucky to land me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you saying I married up?

And bingo was his name-o.

Oh, and you got nothin' out of this deal? Oh, I got something. I got a lifetime full of toenail clippings in my "people" magazine!

Hang on. Your list was based on 18 years of marriage.

Mine's from six months of dating.

But we're allowed to go there? 'Cause I'll go there. Then go there.

I'm not going there.

(Siren wailing in distance, guitar tuning)

(Door opens)

Axl, did you hear that? They're coming to arrest us. For what?

Penal code 35-45, section 3.

We need to get our story straight.

Okay. Here's the story.

We went to donate to charity, and...

We did. Hope we don't get the chair.

(Resumes tuning guitar)

But the sign... and the voice. Oh, that voice... it haunts me!

Maybe we should tell mom and dad.

There's nothing to tell!

Except that spring break was a major suck fest!

Well, just so you know, whatever happens, I got your back.

Sorry, Sue. I'd love to talk to you about this more, but my stapler's feeling pretty left out, so I got to go spend some time with it.

(Sighs)

You absolutely do that! You do it all the time.

Do you ever stop to think that maybe I'm busy doing something?

Like vacuuming the whole family room for Sue's birthday so that we won't be embarrassed in front of the neighbors?

Oh, you're worried about being embarrassed in front of a bunch of little girls, but you're not embarrassed by the cement geese on our front porch! They're whimsical!

They're not so whimsical when I smashed into 'em with my bare feet, and I'm hopping around the house bleeding, trying to find a band-aid! Yeah, well, buy a band-aid for once in your life!

You never buy band-aids! You never buy anything! I buy band-as, but they're never the right kind!

Yeah, you buy the cheap ones that float off in the tub and clog the drain! What do you know about the drain?

When have you ever unclogged the drain?

Do you even know where the wrench is?

Where's the bench, Frankie? Where's the wrench? If I knew where the stupid wrench is, what the hell do I need you for?!

Mom! Dad! What?!

Why do people get divorced?

Oh, honey...

Sweetie...

We're not getting divorced.

No, your dad and I love each other very much. See?

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

Yeah, Brick. Your mom and I aren't really fighting.

Oh, I wasn't asking about you guys. It's for work.

But I see you're busy.

Ooh! This is Brick's report card.

We have to sign it and send it back to school.

See, that's why you shouldn't digging up the past.

Dust flies, stuff gets uncovered, things get said.

And some things are just better buried and forgotten.

(Video game playing indistinctly)

(Doorbell rings)

I'll get it!

Hi, officers. What's going on?

Good news, Mrs. heck. We found your stuff.

The criminals just dumped it all in an alley.

The criminals who robbed us. Heh. Remember, mom?

Fortunately, some of it was labeled with your name.

It's a slow day, so we loaded up a few cruisers and brought it all back.

Hey, guys.

All of it? That's just great.

So that's the thing oh, about divorce.

Some couples rush into marriage without really thinking about the pros and cons.

Others just grow apart.

In the case of Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds, it was distance... and egos.

Thanks, but I actually came to tell you I misheard my parents when I was listening through the wall.

They're not getting a divorce. They're getting me a horse.

Arabian or quarter horse?

Because Arabians need a much bigger paddock.

(Whispers) Paddock.

(Bell rings)