02x20 - Royal Wedding

[bunniefuu]

(Crow caws)

Frankie: Ah, morning--

Every 24 hours, the illusion of a brand-new start.

And this one started off normal enough.

Good morning, mom.

Morning.

You sleep okay?

Actually, I did.

Glad to hear it. I'm having cereal.

Can I get you anything?

Hang on.

A 5-line volley from Brick without reading, random change of subject, or whispering?

(Gasps) Just what I thought.

You're burning up.

See, fever kind of mellows out Brick's quirks.

The more normal he acts, the sicker he is.

And that's what kicked off the Heck plague of 2011.

Axl, keep your tongue dow--

(Coughs)

(Sighs)

Uh-oh.I'm gonna throw up.

No, no, no! I just vacuumed.

(Groans) Here, in my hands.

(Gags) Ew.

But this year was different than the plague of 2010.

'Cause no matter how much snot I had to wipe, or barf I had to catch, there was a bright, shining light at the end of this mucousy tunnel...

The royal wedding.

(Sighs) I can't believe it's this Friday already.

I still have so much to do--

Watch the 2-hour special on Kate Middleton's hairdresser, the ** royal retrospective, really? You're still on that thing?

"Thing"? Uh, is the super bowl just a thing?

A thing people care about.

This is the super bowl times a million, plus crowns, so nobody relapse, not this week.

Frankie, I got some bad news for you. We're not British.

Yeah, we won the civil w*r, so we don't have to care.

Look, I barely cared about our wedding.

Tell me why this is such a big deal.

What did this girl even do?

(Scoffs) Hello? She landed a prince!

That means she's the fairest in the land.

She's arriving in a car as a commoner, but she leaves in a carriage as a princess!

Princess of what?

Seriously, is she even allowed to behead people?

With Sue's friend carly also a casualty of the Heck plague, Sue found herself a new lunchtime companion.

And remember, Mrs. Wojo is still looking for volunteers for the Orson cleanup.

Already on the list. Still waiting for a call.

Hey, fellow shuckers. Enjoying today's announcement?

Yep. I am.

Want to be part of the shucker news team?

I do.

Well, come to anchor tryouts this Thursday in the av room.

I will.

(Door opens and closes)

(Makes beeping noise)

We interrupt your snack for a breaking bulletin.

Sue Heck is gonna try out for the shucker news team.

What do you think about that? Don't get your hopes up.

Mike! I think Sue Heck will make a great addition to the shucker news team.

And there you have it. Back to me.

Can you believe it? I could be an anchor for the school news!

Here, let me do a real headle.

"Man found frozen in parking lot"!

Oh, wait. I should read that sad.

"Man found frozen--" I can't! I'm too excited!

I'm gonna go think of sad things and then practice in the mirror. Aah!

♪ ♪

(Truck engine rumbling and beeping) Jimbo.

(Loudly) What?

Oh. Pretzel barrel's empty. Toss me a new one, will ya?

Oh, we're not getting them anymore.

What?

But I came up from the hole for a nice, crunchy pretzel.

Sorry. We're making cutbacks. Pretzels had to go.

Uh, hey, winnie the pooh, there's nothing left in there.

So you see the pacers game last night?

Whatever, Mike.

(Thud)

(Door closes)

Brick. I need your help.

But I got to go to the bathroom.

Please?

Okay, fine.

I'm trying out for the school news, and I need your opinion.

I don't think you should try out.

I mean on my delivery. Just watch.

Ahem. (Stilted voice) "In sports, the girls volleyball team is hosting a cakewalk to raise money for uniforms-- In other news-- The cafeteria reports-- Pizza Thursdays will be replaced by taco Thursdays."

Well?

I think you shouldn't try out. I'm already trying out, so stop saying that!

Well, in that case, there's some things you could work on.

Wait. What things?

Well, you're really stiff, so try to act more natural.

Got it.

And every time you said the letter "n" or "m," they sounded the same, so really enunciate.

Nuh. Muh.

Okay, next. I mean, next.

Couldn't hurt to smile more, either.

Smile more, act natural... And what was the other thing?

Enunciate.

What was the first thing?

Sue! Okay. Here's a mnemonic device to remember.

"N" for "natural,"

"e" for "enunciate," "ws" for "winning smile."

That spells "news."

Nice!

This just in, you may now go the bathroom.

(Door slams)

So the royal wedding was barreling down, and while they were polishing silver at Buckingham Palace, I was doing a few little preparations of my own.

God. Axl, did you get this crap on the TV?

It looks like mashed potatoes.

(Scoffs) Like when'd you ever make mashed potatoes?

Knowing you, it's probably frosting. Heh.

Oh.

What'd you get from windsorware.com?

Hey!

Hey. That's for me.

Come on. I don't go ripping open your stuff.

Oh, my God! A princess chick teacup? (Laughs)

Okay. None of your beeswax.

Mom ordered some douchey teacup for the royal wedding.

What? Are you kidding me? What are we gonna do with that?

Suppose it could hold guacamole.

This is not for eating. It's about historical significance that's too complicated to explain, so just give me back my plate.

Hey--wh--whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you really gonna put that there?

I mean, I obviously don't care too much about how this house looks, but I got to draw the line somewhere.

For your information, this is a commemorative collectible item of historical significance, that could one day pay for Axl's college.

(Imitates British accent) Oh, well, pardon me, mum.

I'll put another shrimp on the Barbie. (Chortles) Yes...

All right, Sue's college.

Now here's something with historical significance, in case we want to go back and pinpoint the exact moment that you lost your mind.

Okay, it's--it's a little bigger than I expected, but come on.

It's not ostentatious. Hmm?

Yo, yo! Flavor flav in the hizzouse!

Mm.

(Laughs)

(Door opens and closes)

Mike.

We need to talk.

Yeah, we do. Will somebody tell lrv to quit flicking his butts into the blasting caps?

No, this is serious, Mike. Jim told us about the pretzels.

(Scoffs) What? You're here about pretzels?

Let me tell you a little story, boss man, about a dude named Chuck.

He dropped out of high school to live free, but when his mom said he couldn't live free in her garage anymore, Chuck went to find a job.

Chuck chose a quarry, a quarry with pretzels, but now there's no pretzels, just Chuck.

He's Chuck.

Yeah, I got that. Look, they're coming down on me to make cuts.

Could have fired somebody, but no, I axed pretzels.

Why? 'Cause I'm a nice guy.

Who exactly would you fire?

Not me, right? I just adopted a labradoodle.

Ooh, let's fire lrv. He's gonna get us k*lled.

That's great.

I'll go to the hospital right now and fire him.

Rocking idea, boss man. Now we can get our pretzel on.

How about you get your hard hat on, and you get your back to work on, and I'll see you guys at lunch?

Ooh, the whistle blows, and suddenly we're pals.

Unh-unh, suit. We're going someplace else for lunch.

Someplace with pretzels.

And freedom.

(Door closes)

I thought you were just taking us sneaker shopping.

You lied. You're a big liar!

Yeah, well, I thought you would be so grateful for your new sneakers, that you'd understand if I need to make one little stop for myself.

You don't know me at all!

(Sighs) Excuse me? Hi.

I'm looking for something to clean the sticky gunk off my TV.

Uh, sure. Screen cleaners are right over here.

Oh. And, um, also, there's this yellow glowing blob in the inside of the screen, but not on channels 2 and 5 and sometimes there's these lines that go across, but sometimes they go up and down, but those go away when I'm running the microwave, but the microwave doesn't work unless I'm sh**ting the hair dryer at it. You have something for that?

Yes, we do. It's called a new TV. (Laughs)

Hey. I'm "on-air." How do I look?

Wow.

It's true. The camera does add 10 pounds of dork. Heh-heh.

Look, I'm in sales, too, so if you think you're gonna sucker me into buying something I don't need, guess again.

I just need something for the yellow blob and the sideways lines sometimes up and down, and I'll be on my way.

Excuse me.

Yeah, I got this a week ago, and...

I don't know. I just don't like it.

Um, returns are right over there, sir, and you know our motto, "if you ain't happy, we ain't happy, no questions asked."

So he can just return it like that?

Yeah. We have a 14-day "any reason" return policy.

Wow, that is so nice of you.

Okay, wait. So let's say I buy a TV and I ain't happy for, you know, whatever reason, after...

Friday--just picking a random day--I can return it?

Yep. Just a $25 restocking fee.

Hold the phone! HDMI 1.4?

You know, you guys should put that bigger on your tag.

I'll take it!

Great. I'll see if we have any in stock.

(Whispers) Okay. Oh, wow.

Mom. What are you doing? That TV costs $3,000!

(Lowered voice) Shh! It's just for the royal wedding.

(Lowered voice) But that's stealing.

No. It's borrowing. I'm paying $25 to borrow it.

So just be cool. You know what? Be over there.

Good news. One left.

Great. Now what credit card are we putting this on today?

Um... actually, we were thinking about opening one of your store cards for our son.

He's employed and extremely responsible.

Hoo-wah! Hoo-yah!

Wah!

He's pre-med. We're very proud.

(Sue gasps)

It's just so big.

Kind of overpowers the room, huh?

I love it! (Laughs)

All right. Give me the remote.

Let's find Cinemax and get this hi-def skank train going.

No, I need to watch the news.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. No one watches anything.

This is only for the royal wedding, then it goes back.

So till then, no one watches it, touches it, or even gets within a 3-foot radius.

Dad? Look what Axl got with his credit card. It's just for the royal wedding, then I'm returning it right after.

They have a policy. "If I ain't happy, they ain't happy."

What if I ain't happy?

Frankie, something that nice can't survive here.

This is where things come to break. Look around, woman.

We can't make toast without a screwdriver.

Oh, please. Nothing's gonna happ--

Whoo.

3-foot radius!

(Pants)

"I'm Sue Heck, and that's what the Heck's going on."

Mm.

Good luck.

Wait. That wasn't a "good luck" good luck.

That was a "there's something wrong" good luck. Tell me.

Okay, you want honest or polite?

Well, I wanted polite, but now that you said that, I guess I'll take honest.

You blinked too much, and about halfway in, you slurred an "s."

And you didn't gesture enough.

Plus, you were kind of mumbly on your nouns, but on verbs, you were even shakier...

And that's how a little mnemonic device like "news" ballooned into...

"Newsbenjiverts."

My brother came up with "news," but I came up with "benjiverts."

Now our third and final candidate, Sue hickey.

That's when Sue introduced the world to "newsbenjiverts."

"B" for "blink less"...

Happy Thursday, fellow shuckers.

"E" for "enunciate"...

The flooded auditorium-uh will be drain-uh-d in time for the spring muh-usical.

"N" for nodding... And kudos to the girls soccer team for defeating the other team from...

And who could forget "v" for "very big gestures"?

I'm Sue Heck, and that's what the Heck's go-- (Feedback whines)

On. Cut to black! Cut to black!

Mr. Heck?

(Sighs)

Phil Bickel, quarry workers 703.

I'm here about the pretzel situation.

I don't think so. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Either we talk or they walk.

A strike?

'Cause I got rid of pretzels and fancy toilet paper?

Ohh, that's what's different.

Okay. I can give back the pretzels... Uh-huh.

And, uh, get rid of their health insurance.

(All murmur)

No dice. They want health insurance and pretzels.

And the TP

Man: Yeah, give it back!

(All) Pretzels! Pretzels! Pretzels! Pretzels!

Sure. Let's bring back pretzels, and, uh, we can lose stuff like, say... paychecks.

Says Mr. giant new TV.

That's right. I drove by your place last night.

What? Have you been misappropriating snack funds for personal gain?

Personal gain? I had to push my car to work this morning!

That's it.

No pretzels. End of story. Everyone get back to work.

Okay--all ri--okay, guys. We lost out on the pretzels, but we stuck it to him on the insurance and the paychecks.

Don't forget me come election time.

Hey, how about a group photo for the newsletter?

Okay. I'll just get a, uh, sh*t of your backs, then.

(Sighs) It's only six hours away.

I wonder what she's doing right now.

Is her heart pounding? I'll bet it's pounding, 'cause mine's about to pound right out of my chest.

Mom, I'm sorry, but there is no way I can watch the news coverage of the wedding, after all that I've been through.

I can barely look at a microphone without crying...

Brick.

Hey, how is it my fault?

You over-directed me.

I did "newsbenjiverts," and people thought I was insane.

I even got called down to the guidance counselor.

Well, I warned you not to try out. Oh, but--

Hey! There is no fighting on royal wedding Eve!

(Sighs)

Hey, where are my scones?

Mike!

What? I didn't know.

I did you a favor, anyway. They're stale and dry.

They're supposed to be stale and dry. They're British.

All right, never mind. Now I'm going to bed, so if you have to yell at the kids, take 'em outside.

I don't want to yell at the kids alone.

That's something we enjoy doing together.

Well, sorry, but coverage starts at 3:00am by the time you're eating your toast or waffles, the world will have a new princess.

Seriously, how can you not be moved by that?

(Frankie, singsongy) Don't bother looking for the remote.

I'm taking it to bed with me.

The wait was finally over.

Time to see what this bad boy could do.

Oh... no, no, no.

Turn on.

Turn on--you got to be kidding me!

Where is the button? (Moans)

Mike! Axl! Brick! Sue!

Everybody up! I need your help!

Why am I awake you know I need a solid 16.

Axl, that is not for you! (Moans)

Brick, read faster!

(Click)

(Cheering) There it goes.

Oh! Thank God! Okay, you can all go back to bed.

Wait! It's not turning channels. Come back!

Come on. Come back!

Ohh...

What's all the screaming? Is Justin Bieber dead?

I am missing the royal wedding. There's something wrong with this stupid TV. Here. Keep hitting "2."

(Beep, hum)

(Whir)

Anything?

No.

Brick, that's not for you!

Here. Change, damn it, change!

Whoa. Sports in hi-def are sweet.

Ooh. Dad, remember this game?

This is right when they start their comeback.

Yeah, this is a good one. Here comes the qb sneak.

Bust it through... No!

No! You are not watching this game! This TV is for me!

It's 3:49! I'm missing it all!

The arrival at westminster abbey...

The pronouncement by the lord rector...

(Chuckles)

What?

Rector. (Chuckles)

Oh, you think this is funny? Is this all some sort of joke?

Come on, Frankie. Lighten up. No!

You lighten up!

All you've done this past week is smirk and laugh and make fun of me, and what have I done for you?

Wipe your snot, carry your vomit, take you sneaker shopping because your old ones weren't awesome enough!

How dare mom ever want anything for herself?

To celebrate that a girl could start the day as a commoner and end it as a princess.

"Oh, ha ha. It's stupid. It doesn't matter."

Well, it matters to me!

Yeah.

And I don't have to explain it or justify it to any of you.

That's right. There's no historical significance.

I just think it's pretty!

Jeez, Frankie, calm down. You're getting all bloodshot. Oh, no.

You just don't get the needs of the common people, do you, Mike?

Pretzels aren't important. Royal weddings aren't important.

Oh, not like football!

Do I talk smack about all this colts stuff that you get?

No. But I buy one little plate, and suddenly, I'm crazy! I'm obsessed-- (Gasps)

(Clatter)

God. Who knew she cared so much about the royal wedding?

She should have said something.

Frankie.

What? We fixed the TV.

Just in time for the parade of beefeaters.

(Whispers) Beefeaters.

Really?

Ohh! Nasty!

(Groans)

Wait. I can't see.

Why can't I see? Frankie, you're a little crusty there.

Looks like you might have gotten pinkeye or something.

What? How could I get pinkeye?

(Gas) Oh! 3-d! Ha ha!

I'm blind! Why is this happening to me?

All I wanted was to have tea and scones, and watch the royal wedding, and now I can't open my eyes, and--ahh, my tears can't even get out.

(Sobs)

Now she's going into the church, and a woman--

Scratch that, a man in a wig-- is holding her... cape.

Oh, her bridal train.

What color's the dress? White or ivory?

Man: The entire royal family has gathered.

Ivory.

Ohh... and what about her sleeves? Are they poufy?

I guess maybe you could call 'em poufy.

And there's some kind of glittery deal going on.

Ooh...

Hey, mom, you really can't see anything?

Not a thing.

Here. I felt bad, so I glued your plate back together.

Ohh.

Can't even feel the cracks.

Ohh.

Yeah, you can be cynical all you want, but truth is, fairy tales happen every day.

Princes really do exist...

So now she's waving to the crowd.

They both look pretty happy.

When something wonderful happens, cheers ring out across the land...

(All) Yeah!

Wishes do come true...

Is this your handwriting? It's really good.

And there really is such a thing as happily ever after.

So now they're coming out on the balcony...

And--oh, they're kissing.

Ohh. Is it a soft kiss or a deep kiss? Describe it to me.

Aw, Frankie...