02x22 - The Prom

[bunniefuu]

(Crow caws)

Mom, dad, Arlo and I have written a show for you.

A show? Uh, we're already kind of watching a show here, buddy.

Mike, our child, who usually sits by himself and reads, would like to do a show for us with his one friend.

Oh, a show! Yeah. Sounds great.

Mm-hmm.

(Click)

Ladies and gentlemen, Brick and Arlo Productions presents...

(Dramatic voice) "Alien Robot."

Frankie: We were prepared for the worst, but actually, it was kind of cute. It had a couple of jokes...

(Robotic voice) Hello. I am an Alien Robot.

I am here to learn about your planet.

I don't see you on my schedule.

(Both chuckle) And even a surprise ending.

I'm actually not a robot at all.

I'm... you.

Hey, nice job. That was actually good. Wow... How did you guys...

Wow, Mike. You see that? We didn't give up on Brick, and now not only does he have a friend, but they're doing plays together.

We are great parents. Oh! I'm gonna celebrate with a beer.

Hey, I'm a great parent, too. Grab me one, will you?

Mrs. Heck. You're looking fashionable this afternoon.

Well, these are my cleanest sweats. What are you guys up to?

Trying to figure out which Ashley I asked to prom. Next.

Axl, you don't know who you asked?

I had a system-- Go down a list of chicks, text 'em one-by-one--

But you got me this cheap phone with tiny buttons, so I texted some random Ashley girl by mistake, who said yes, and I don't even know who she is. Way to go, mom.

Let's see. No Ashley...

No Ash-- Oh, wait.

There's one more.

No. Weird Ashley? No way! I can't take Weird Ashley to prom!

How was she even on your cell?

She tutored me for a couple weeks in math last year.

I got a "C," so not only is she weird, she's dumb, too.

Ugh, I got to get out of this.

Axl, what is wrong with you?

How would you feel if some girl did that to you?

I don't know! How would I feel if dogs ran the planet?

You're not making sense.

Although, that would be pretty cool. Dogs in charge? Huh?

Okay, look. You've already asked her, and she's already said yes.

Taking her is the right thing to do.

Do you not get it?

She's called "Weird Ashley" 'cause she's really weird.

Yeah. I mean, it's in her name and everything.

Well, I think you should give her a chance. You never know.

Today's Weird girl might be tomorrow's Tina Fey.

Mike, have you been listening to this?

Uh, yes. That's why I came in, not just to get a beer.

I don't know. I think he's still in the gray area on this.

I mean, texting a girl to prom is truly moronic...

Thank you! But it's still two weeks away. I think if he explains to this girl that he messed up, no harm, no foul.

Well, I guess. As long as you explain what happened to Weird Ash-- To Ashley, kindly and with respect.

Cool. Next time I hit the can, I'll text her.

No, you won't text her on the can.

You will tell her face-to-face like a gentleman.

Well, I don't have face-to-face.

This stupid cheap phone doesn't even have a camera. (Scoffs)

This is Samantha Lynn for Shucker news.

Boy: And clear.

Your r's are really good. They make the cue cards easy to read.

Oh, yeah? Wow, thanks.

I call 'em "Sue cards." (Giggles)

What?

'Cause of my name-- Sue.

"Sue cards" instead of "cue cards."

Ohh... (Chuckles) Okay, I get it.

(Giggles) Okay, well, see you tomorrow, cue card girl.

I mean, Samantha didn't have to compliment me, but she just did.

She sounds nice.

She is. She's nice. She's so nice.

So... where should we sit?

There's a clear pecking order in middle school, and nowhere is it more obvious than in the cafeteria.

There's the "A" table...

The "B" table...

The "C" table...

And the "D" table.

So every day, Sue and Carly asked themselves the same question, and every day, they came up with the same answer.

Let's just walk around.

I know it's not an actual sport, but being on the news team really does feel like you're on a team.

And Samantha is nice, so nice.

Oh, my God. You know what?

You should totally make a run for the "B" table.

Really? But I've never even sat at the "D" or "C" table.

Yeah, but you said she's nice, right?

So nice.

Well, there's only a few weeks left in junior high.

Can you imagine entering high school as "B" table people?

It would be great to be able to sit down.

(Slurps)

Okay. Let's do it!

(Clatter)

(Conversations stop)

Maybe we'll start tomorrow.

(Sighs)

(Keys clink, door closes)

Take a seat, dad. We have another show for you.

Wow, another one already, huh?

Mom thought we should wait till you got home.

Aw, wasn't that considerate of her?

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

(Dramatic voice) "Alien Robot II."

Sadly, like so many sequels, "Alien Robot II" didn't quite live up to the original.

Pirates? That doesn't even make sense. We're on an alien planet.

We could be at the mall.

Then, about an hour later, it finally came to a close.

Okay, you're done.

(Click)

And the next day...

Dad? I have a new show for you. I play all the parts.

Uh... how about you ask your mom?

I already did.

She said she suddenly had to go out and get groceries, and I should ask you.

It's weird.

I saw her run into the garage, but I never saw her car leave.

I'm former Secretary of State William Henry Seward.

No, wait, um... I'm-- I'm a polar bear--

Okay, this isn't even a show. You're just making stuff up. No, I'm not.

You made me lose my place. Hang on. Uh...

(Whispers) Uh...

With Brick's shows getting lamer and lamer, I didn't know how many more pretend grocery trips I could get away with, without at least coming back with some groceries. Can someone get that?

(Telephone rings) Anyone?

(Ring)

(Sighs)

(Beep) Hello?

Woman: Hi. Mrs. Heck?

Uh, look, if this is about the bake sale, I'm, um, making cookies even as we speak.

Actually, I'm calling about prom.

This is Carolyn Wyman, Ashley's mom?

Oh. Yeah?

She's so excited to be asked to prom, and I just thought we could coordinate in case Axl wants to match his tux or get her a corsage.

She's already picked a very nice dress.

Uh-- Yeah-- Purple?

Yeah, I'm sure Ashley will look very pretty in that color.

I know, Axl is such a lovely boy.

Uh-huh. Yes. That sounds perfect. Sure.

Yeah. Uh-huh. I have a camera. Yes...

Yeah, can I call you back? Great, bye. Axl, get in here! (Beep)

Why is Ashley's mom calling me to coordinate prom?!

You said you were gonna talk to her. You know, it's your fault she doesn't know!

You said I couldn't text, and doing it in person is hard.

I'm very sensitive. Well, Mr. Sensitive, she already bought a purple dress, so you're taking her!

I can't! Not with the second wave about to crash.

You know, when the hot girls break up with their prom dates and are back on the market, desperate to go with anyone.

And that's where I come in. "Hello, ladies." Heh-heh. Heh-heh.

Well, "good-bye, ladies," 'cause you already got a date. Heh-heh.

Oh, my God! You care more about some girl you don't even know having a good time at prom than your own son!

Are you my own son? Because I didn't know my son was a jerk!

Well, that's where you're wrong! You can't make me take her! Oh, sure I can.

You're either taking Ashley to prom or you're not going.

Fine! I won't go.

Oh, you're going!

So while Axl was trying to get out of something, Sue had spent the week trying to get in. Okay. This time, I do a butterfly.

I land briefly, say something clever, flit away.

Oh, hey. Tater tots.

What's the deal with them, right? (Laughs)

Okay. Now I do the blend-in.

But don't stay more than 20 seconds. It's too risky.

Boy: Right. It's just not fair, because I do the news team, I do tennis...

Definitely. I do all this stuff, and I don't really have time...

No. To do everything. So what's everybody doing this summer?

Ahh...

You stayed too long.

I didn't think anybody was gonna talk to me, so I choked.

Maybe we can save this. What'd you say? I told her I had to poop.

It wasn't a total lie. I kind of do.

But I always kind of do. I think it's middle school.

Oh, he's gonna take her. How? You can't make him take her.

Sure I can. I still got a good foot on him, and some heavy-duty nylon rope in the garage.

Mark my words, he's gonna take her. That's lovely, Mike. Every girl's dream-- To have their prom date dumped on their doorstep like a rodeo calf.

He'll be in a tux.

(Sighs) It's not about him just taking her because we make him take her. It's about him understanding that's the right thing to do! I mean, I don't get it.

I'm a nice person. You're a nice person.

How did we make such a jerky kid?

First pancake never turns out the best.

(Sighs) Oh, God.

This is all our fault, Mike.

We were so worried about grades and other stuff, that we just slacked off on his character.

(Sighs) We are lazy, laz--

(Switch clicking)

(Singsongy) Take your seats! It's showtime!

(Groans)

(Doorbell rings) Hello, Sue Heck.

Reverend Timtom. You're here! How did you know I needed you? (Door closes)

You always come at just the right moments. Okay, so here's my problem. There's this girl on the news team, who's nice, so I thought I should try to make a run at the "B" table, where all the cool kids sit, but I think I might have blown it, so what should I do?

Okay, Reverend Timtom isn't here for you, Sue.

He's here for all of us.

Welcome, Reverend. So thrilled you could make it.

Well, me, too. I just got back from louisville, where they lost another roller rink.

Left a lot of teens on wheels with time on their hands.

Lucky we were there to put the toe stop to temptation.

Would you like to see a show? He's not here for you, Brick. He's here for all of us.

Smells delicious. Little prayer before supper?

Yes. Mm. Like always.

♪ Loaves and fishes, bread and wine ♪
♪ thank you, God, it's suppertime ♪

(Chuckles)

♪ So let's eat, oh, let's eat ♪
♪ let's raise a glass to the fatted calf, let's eat ♪
♪ let's-- ♪ I'm just kidding, guys. Dig in.

(Laughs)

Now can I do my show? Not now, Brick. We're eating.

So, wow, a lot's happened since we last saw you, Reverend.

Uh, let's see. Well, Brick's in third grade, and Sue's on the news team... That what I was trying to--

And who am I leaving out? Oh, Axl. What's going on with Axl?

Oh. Well, prom's coming up. It's a funny story about prom.

(Mike chuckles)

So he asked a girl by text, but it was the wrong girl, and now he doesn't want to take her.

Well, the funny thing is, I'm not going.

Well, the funny thing is, don't you think a good person would go with the girl, when it's only two days before prom? Well, the funny thing is, I'm old enough to make my own decisions.

(Chuckles) And the funniest part of all is that he's going, no matter what, even if I have to tie him up and drag him onto the dance floor myself. (Laughs)

(Laughs) This is so funny.

So what do you think about all this, Reverend Timtom?

Well, I really don't think it's my place to say.

Oh, please, chime in. After all, you're the only one at the table with unquestionable moral authority.

Well, it's tough being a teen. You know, I mean, have you tried looking at it through Axl's eyes?

No. They haven't. Not at all.

High school is a social minefield.

I mean, we adults may think it's silly, but you have no idea what's Axl's facing until you've walked a semester down those halls in his high-tops.

But-- Ha! And this is coming from God. In your face, mom!

The thing is, there may only be one judgment day in heaven, but in high school, every day is judgment day.

This lasagna sure is tasty. May I have a sec-- You know, there's got to be something in the Bible about doing the right thing even when you don't want to.

I would say that's pretty much the whole point of the Bible, wouldn't you? Well, the Bible can be interpreted in many different ways.

Ouch! Stop, drop, and roll, mom. God just b*rned you again!

Well, you know, Axl, your folks have a point, too--

Now if we could all retire to the living room for my show--

Brick, no show. Reverend Timtom, you were saying.

He was saying how it's a social minefield just like the lunchroom. No. No.

You were saying something about, uh, how the folks are right.

In a few short moments, Brickstone Pictures will proudly present-- Brick. I said enough.

But the Reverend hasn't seen it yet.

He didn't come here to see one of your endless, boring shows.

He came to fix Axl. He's here to what?

Well, "fix" was the word your mother used.

Oh, my God. Sorry I'm so broken, you had to have Sue's guitar dude over to fix me.

Axl! Mike.

Endless and boring? (Door closes)

Well, I guess the reviews are in.

(Sighs)

(Knock on door) Hey. Nice crib.

Look, if you're here to talk me into taking Weird Ashley to prom, don't bother.

Nah. Just getting ready to take off, but I heard you had a strat, and I was hoping I could take a look at it. Uh, it's probably not real.

Picked it up at a garage sale to take for 12 bucks.

Well, it's not what you pay. It's how you play.

You like blues?

(Plays blues riff)

Hair metal's more my thing. Thanks anyway.

Oh, cool. You mean something like...

(Plays rock riff)

Actually, little more like...

(Playing hard rock riff)

(Playing same riff)

Aw...

Brick?

Yeah?

(Sighs)

I know you're expecting me to apologize, but I'm not.

I think you need to hear it straight.

Your plays just haven't been good.

Gee, thanks for following me in here to hit that home.

No, you know what? The first show you did was good, but that's 'cause you worked on it. After that, you gotta admit, you were just making stuff up and holding everybody hostage, and that's when it got boring and endless.

So I think you just have to learn that you can't do that to people. You understand?

Sure, dad, I understand.

Good.

Just as I'm sure you understand how there are a lot of things you do that I find boring and endless.

Like taking me to the hardware store.

I thought you liked our hardware store trips.

It's a slow death.

Or hearing for the millionth time about your new Gore-tex gloves and how they "wick away the water."

I get it. They keep your hands dry.

It's a new technology.

But I never said anything, 'cause I didn't want to hurt your feelings. You make allowances for family, dad, 'cause it's the right thing to do.

(Groans) How's Brick?

Smart kid. Too smart.

(Door closes) So did you get through to him?

'Cause, you know, the Clay's drying.

We're sort of in a hurry.

Hmm. Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Wait and see? Okay, look, I took a quilt out of the oven and heated you a lasagna.

No offense, but I expected some real results here.

I know you're frustrated, Frankie, and you know why that is?

Because it's hard being a parent. (Playing slow riff)

It's tough being mom and dad.

♪ It's hard being a parent ♪
♪ you wonder why kids do the things they do ♪
♪ well, I said it before, and I'll say it once more ♪
♪ remember, Jesus was a teenager, too ♪
♪ Mary wondered if he'd be okay ♪
♪ but he turned out to be a super nice guy in every way ♪

He did, yeah. It's hard being a parent.

♪ It's the toughest job you'll ever do ♪
♪ and it's the most rewarding, too ♪

Remember how they used to spit up on you?

But don't worry. This'll pass, too.

Yeah...

(Strums chord)

It's hard being a parent.

(Strums chords)

Oh. Reverend Timtom. Are you leaving?

Did you think I'd leave without talking to you, Sue Heck?

Listen. Don't go thinking any table's too good for you and your friend. Remember, the most famous "A" table of all was the last supper, and everyone was welcome.

But Jesus isn't in my lunchroom.

Or is he?

Are you sure you're ready?

Beyond ready.

(Chair scrapes)

Hi, Samantha. Hey guys. Great news today.

Are you kidding? Samantha totally messed up at the end.

You did not!

I totally did. Instead of sang "science report,"

I said "science resort."

(All laugh)

Boy: Well, my parents make me have a 4.0, but...

Hey, guys, look. Now that all those cheerleaders got strep, there's a bunch of empty seats at the "A" table.

This could be our chance. I mean, do we go for it?

Can you imagine entering high school as members of the "A" table? Let's do it.

So... is this still the "B" table?

I'm not sure.

Probably not.

Want to walk around?

(Door closes) Axl. What you got there?

Uh, I'm not gonna take Weird Ashley to prom in my underwear.

Think!

It happened just like that. Axl did the right thing.

Maybe it was something I said, or Reverend Timtom sang, or Mike threatened, but something must have gotten through to him.

It's one night, man. Be cool.

(Door opens and closes)

The point is, he wasn't a jerk. He was going to prom.

Frankie: Okay, both of you smile now.

(Beep) Ohh...

Oh, yeah. That's a keeper.

Ashley, your dress is so interesting.

It's more of a wizard's robe. I'm really into wizards.

Oh, right. Like "Harry Potter."

Who?

And the cape is a nice touch.

Yeah. (Clears throat)

So we should probably get going, so we're not late.

But we won't go in till the big hand is on an odd number, right?

You know what they say.

Okay. Well, uh, drive safe. Okay, you guys have a great time tonight.

Have a lot of fun. Be good. Have a nice time. Stay safe.

Ohh. Ohh. Okay, she is so weird.

Axl is in for one long night. Yeah, but at least he did the right thing.

Oh, he really did the right thing. Yeah.

Yep, the Clay wasn't dry yet.

We could still stuff in a few good lessons. Want to see a show, dad?

And maybe they could stuff in a few good lessons for us, too.

You know, Brick... That sounds great.

Actually, I have to get to the grocery store, 'cause we're running low on-- Sit down.

Brick Pictures presents...

(Dramatic voice) "Alien Robot-- The Prequel."

(Normal voice) This performance brought to you by... Gore-tex gloves.

They wick away moisture with their space-age technology.

(Robotic voice) I am an Alien Robot.

I am here to make your planet...

Reverend Timtom: ♪ it's hard being a parent ♪
♪ it's the toughest job you'll ever do ♪
♪ and it's the most rewarding, too ♪