02x23 - The Bridge

[bunniefuu]

When you have kids, getting anywhere in the car can be a challenge. A million things can slow you down. Somebody might forget their shoes. Somebody might have to go to the bathroom... You do know Brick is the car, right? Or somebody might have an irrational fear of going over the shady lake bridge.

Damn it. The half-price all-you-can-eat tater bar is only open for another 15 minutes. Go, go!

We can make it. We can make it.

60 bucks for speeding.

That is officially the most expensive bargain meal I ever had. But did you see how many pumps of cheese I put on my potato?

I think we broke even. This is nuts. Everybody else just drives over the bridge to the mall. We gotta go ten minutes out of our way.

I mean, I know our time isn't worth anything, but still.

He's afraid. What are you gonna do? I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna stop letting our 9-year-old hold us hostage.

Next time we're out there, we drive over the bridge.

End of story. He'll be fine. Or he'll be scarred for life.

50/50 sh*t. I like those odds. Guess what? The pool is opening a week early-

This Saturday- And Carly and I are gonna go!

Oh, Saturday? We're celebrating aunt Edie's birthday Saturday.

What?! No!

Since she had turned 14, certain changes in brain chemistry had caused Sue to occasionally place extreme importance on-

Let's face it - The stupidest things. You just don't get it!

Yeah... we only got 60 days to mail this thing.

I'd better walk it down to the post office myself.

I have to be there on opening day.

This is the most important thing in the world to me-

More important than saving the whales, more important than cross-country!

If I could go back in time and unsee the Justin Bieber movie to get this, I would!

That's how important it is to me!

If I don't get to go, I'll die!

Well, we don't want you to die, so I'll just have to reschedule aunt Edie's birthday...

Not that she'll know the difference. Whew. Thank God.

That's for me! It's Carly! Aah!

Hey, where are you going? Jack Webber ran over his foot with a lawn mower!

There's a lifeguard position open at the pool!

Since when do you want to be a lifeguard?

Hot chicks, bikinis, high angle. Do the math.

All right, guys.

Only the cream of the crop becomes a lifeguard at my pool.

It's a job for winners. Hey, Axl. Hear about Jack Webber?

No more flip-flops for him, huh?

Yeah. Bob, don't you already have, like, three jobs?

Well, raising carrier pigeons is an expensive hobby.

So how's it lookin'? Think we got a sh*t?

Uh...

Safe to say Axl was feeling pretty good about his competition, until...

Oh, hey. Check out the a* man, wantin' to guard the lifes.

Sean. What are you doing here?

Same as you, bro.

And then Axl heard the worst thing a Donahue could say to a heck. May the best man win.

Mike was right.

Brick was holding us hostage, and who knows?

Maybe if we didn't make a big deal out of it, our car could just sail over that bridge with no problem at all.

Ah, that wasn't our car.

Aah! Bridge!

Wow. That cop came out of nowhere. Illegal u-turn. You know, if we gave you an allowance...

This would be coming out of it.

You're gonna have to go over that bridge sometime, Brick.

This is gettin' silly. It's not silly, and I'm not going over the bridge.

Well, maybe you won't be having dinner tonight.

How silly is that? Mike.

You're right. Too silly. Go to your room instead. Fine. I like my room. I feel safe there.

Yeah? Well, maybe I'll build a bridge in front of it, and you'll never feel safe again! Mike!

Sorry. I'm-I'm fed up with this crap.

I spent 120 bucks this week on the way to the mall. Mike, he's afraid.

You can't get him to get over his fear by yelling at him.

We have to be nurturing and patient and caring.

Okay. Okay. You got till next week, or I'm taking over.

Hey! Can you guys keep it down? I'm trying to study for my lifeguard test. I got first aid, c.P.R.

I'm practically gonna be a doctor after this. Oh. A lot of guys going out for it?

No. Some... and Sean.

You didn't quit your job at the theater, did you?

Oh, what, you don't think I can b*at Sean? Nope. I really don't.

No, it's not that we don't think you can do it.

It's just that Sean... Is a Donahue.

Which is why I've been at this for 30 whole minutes.

Mom, may I please see you in my room, please?

It's a matter of life or death.

Look at this.

Okay.

I need a new bathing suit. Ugh! Mom, you just don't get it.

Well, no, I don't get it. It looks like you have a bunch of perfectly good suits right here.

Mom, this is not for running through the sprinkler in the backyard. This is for the public pool!

Do these look like public pool suits to you?

Honey, don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?

What?! I am not overreacting!

This is huge! So huge!

Sue, calm down. What is the real isSue here?

Everybody's gonna have a two-piece. Okay, so we'll get you a two-piece.

Ugh! Mom, you just don't get it! Sue, I said yes.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Well, could you give me some privacy then?

So maybe I didn't get Sue, but I did get Brick.

I pushed him out of my body.

I could push him over that bridge. All right.

Let's not even think about crossing the bridge right now.

Let's just get to know the bridge, and don't worry.

We'll go at your pace. You take all the time you need.

It's been two hours!

You are going to cross this bridge right now!

Right now!

All the cool kids are doing it.

Come on, Brick.

Don't you wanna be cool?

You know, your dad may not think you can handle this, but I do.

You're a big boy. You're practically an adult.

What are you, a baby?

A wittle, wittle baby?

I'm sorry. I'm a horrible mother!

I don't get it, Brick. What are you so afraid of?

What do you think is gonna happen?

We drive onto the bridge, and suddenly there's a terrible cracking sound.

The bridge collapses, and the car is thrown into the lake.

It fills with water and sinks like a big metal coffin.

We struggle to get out, but underwater no one can hear our screams.

We all shake with convulsions as the life leaves our bodies.

Our bloated corpses go undiscovered for months, but when they're finally dragged out of the lake, they're unrecognizable, because fish have eaten out our eyeballs.

Eyeballs.

I'm tellin' ya, he paints a vivid picture.

I'm not even sure I want to go over that bridge anymore. Hmm.

What? What was that? No, it's okay. I'm not surprised you couldn't get the job done.

It's what I expected. What?

You're not a closer. You don't have the stuff.

Admit it. You shy away from conflict.

What are you talking about? I live in conflict.

I'm the mayor of conflict!

No, you're not.

Face it. You back down when things get tough.

I do not back- Well, okay, maybe I do.

Guys, seriously, I'm trying to study.

This is, like, my entire career. It starts with lifeguard.

Then I graduate to beach lifeguard, then Hawaiian tropic judge, then rapper, so if you want a shout-out at the Grammys, keep it down!

So you really think you could do a better job with Brick than I did? Well, you set the bar pretty high with total failure, but now it's time for some results.

Thank you so much for this!

This is, like, the best day of my life.

Well, I hope not. All right. Now go and try those on. Okay.

I hate all of these suits you picked out, mom!

Why did you even come?! You think this is fun for me?! This is not fun for me!

Just pick out a damn suit!

Ugh!

How's it going in there, honey?

Here, let me see.

Don't come in!

Everything makes me look horrible!

How long have I looked this way? Oh, my God.

This one's even worse! Did you pick this out?!

20 suits and an hour and a half later, she was even more out of her mind.

Ugh! These all make my knees look knobby!

These are your knees, mom!

Did you have to give me such stupid knees?!

I knew not to take it personally. All I could do was support her and tell her she's beautiful, but since by that point, I was also out of my mind, I said...

Do you think this is fun for me?

This is not fun for me!

Just pick out a damn suit!

Oh. Don't judge.

I'm you in ten minutes.

Ugh! This one is ugly, too!

Why didn't you ever tell me I look awful in pink?!

Sue, you look beautiful in pink! Just let me see.

No! Stay out!

How am I supposed to help you if you won't even let me see?

What are you talking about?! That suit's adorable on you!

You're just saying that because you're my mom! Ohh.

You just don't get it!

Okay, stop right there. I don't get it?

Um, I may not get a lot of things, but I get this.

Women all over the world get this.

Sorry to break it to you, but trying on swimsuits is a depressing, soul-k*lling rite of passage for all women.

There are even entire comic strips devoted to it.

What do you think Cathy has been packing about all these years?

I don't even put on a swimsuit without at least two margaritas in me, so you just be happy that you're a cute 14-year-old looking for her first bikini, instead of a woman who's had three kids throwing away a mortgage payment on some miracle suit made with NASA teflon material that shaves off 10 pounds, when all it really does is push it all out your back, so I get it, Sue. I get it. You hate your body.

Well, congratulations. Today you are a woman.

Knock, knock. How's it going in there?

Oh.

Ohh. That's adorable on you!

You look good in pink.

Really?

Sorry. I cramped up there.

Plus, the chlorine was stinging my pigeon bites.

Can I go again?

Okay, Donahue and heck.

Jump in fully clothed.

Remove your jeans and use them as a flotation device.

The first one to do this successfully performs a water rescue on the other.

First! Done!

Dude, I'm saving you.

No, dude, I'm saving you. Come on.

Okay. Here we go. It's like ripping off a band-aid.

You're gonna thank me later.

If you do this, I'll never be able to trust you again.

And just like that, Mike found himself in the spot I was in not so long ago.

Look, I'm not gonna play games like your mom did.

This is one of your favorites, right?

You want it?

Go get it.

All right. I'm not gonna force you to go across the bridge before you're ready, okay?

Get in the car! We're going over that bridge right now!

I don't care if you're ready or not!

I'm sorry, buddy.

I was wrong to try to force ya. We'll wait until you're ready.

You take as long as you want. I'm not going anywhere.

I'm leaving! I'm leaving right now!

You'd better get over here!

10 bucks. Easiest money you'll ever make.

Nope. How about ice cream?

No more ice cream for the rest of your life! How about that?!

Man, that kid is stubborn.

So what flavor did you get?

I don't remember. Tastes like failure. Looks like the mayor and the clos are running sucktown together.

I don't get it. Why Bridges?

Where does that fear even come from? Oh.

I'm pressing the button, but it's not bringing up the parental controls. Okay. Well, maybe you're pressing the wrong button.

I'm not pressing the wrong button.

Where are you on the page here? Let's see. Look at-you have-he- I have this...

Well, here. Right where it's supposed to be.

Who knows? Sometimes these things are just random.

It's not like it's our fault. So that's it then? That's who we are now?

We're just weak parents who let our kid win?

Or... maybe we won.

How do you figure?

Well, obviously what this proves is that we're parents who raised a confident and independent young man who thinks for himself and trusts his own instincts.

Well, that is true. You're right.

When you think about it, what we did is raise a leader.

We really did. In fact, I can't believe what a success this whole thing has been.

He's an amazing kid. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed in the other two.

So will you agree we're giving up on the bridge?

Why would we go back? We won.

Well... It's bad news...

For every other guy in town!

Oh, congratulations! Really?

Yeah. Ohh! Wow. You actually b*at Sean?

Yeah, he stayed up studying for our geometry final, and I completely ignored it and just studied the lifeguard stuff, and I thought he was supposed to be smart! Sucker!

Also, I might've bit him.

Wow. Can you believe it?

Axl got the job. Sue conquered bathing suit shopping.

Brick learned to trust his instincts.

We are kickin' some parenting butt!

Mm. We should write a book.

We should. Spread the word.

So the most important day of Sue's life-

The opening of the community pool-

Had finally arrived, and she and Carly were ready. Are you ready? So ready. Let's do it.

I can't believe I'm wearing a two-piece.

Me neither. You look so hot.

No, you look so hot.

An hour later they were even hotter, 'cause they still wouldn't take off their t-shirts. Sue, we spent a whole day shopping for that suit.

Aren't you gonna let anybody see it? Mom, you just don't get it!

My mom doesn't get it, either.

Hey! No running! How many times have I gotta tell you?!

You think I like yelling?!

I don't wanna have to say it again! Ohh.

Hi, honey. How's it gog?

Oh, my God. It's horrible! Kids are running everywhere, and I'm responsible for 'em, so if they fall down, I gotta get 'em a band-aid. If they make a mess, I gotta clean it up.

I'm constantly yelling at 'em, but do they listen? No!

You have no idea what it's like. Oh, I might have some idea.

Frankie!

Hey, Nancy!

Beautiful day, huh? Yeah, it is.

You going in? Oh, I forgot my suit. You?

Forgot my suit, too.

Listen, I just want you to know, there are no hard feelings about Axl getting the lifeguard job over Sean.

Sean's gonna be a page for a state senator, so I don't know how he was thinking he was gonna do it all anyway.

Plus I think he was in it just for the girls. Oh, well, Axl's in it to save lives, but...

Listen, I saw Mike and Brick up at shady lake bridge.

Were you able to get him to go over? No, we decided to give up.

Give up? Well, not give up, because we won.

It's just about trusting his instincts.

Don't want to give too much away, 'cause there might be a book.

You know, we'll try again when he's 12. Oh, 12? So he'll be in junior high.

You know, there is that footbridge at the entrance to the school. Do you think that'll be a problem?

Okay, Brick. You can do this.

Just close your eyes, smell that $20, and before you know it, we'll be across the bridge.

Okay, but you may want to roll down your window.

It'll be a lot easier now than when we're underwater.

Stop!

Frankie, he's gonna have to do it sometime.

I know, but look at him. Look how nervous he is.

There's more relaxed people in electric chairs.

He'll be fine. My dad would've thrown me in the car, floored it, and never looked back. Oh, yeah, right, and you had the best relationship with your dad.

The man nicknamed his belt "the enforcer." He never actually used it.

It was the thr*at of it that kept us in line. Is that the kind of parent that you want to be?

You know, this is just like Sue and the binky.

You ripped it out of her mouth and threw it in the trash! And then you got her another one.

I did not buy another one!

I pulled it out of the trash and gave it back to her! Whatever. The point is, she sucked on it till she was 6, and now she's in braces. Oh, okay, so now it's all my fault.

I'm sorry that I'm a mother that likes to comfort her children!

Uh, I think the word you're looking for is "coddle." Okay, you know what?

Why don't we-wait. Mike, we crossed the bridge!

We did? We did it!

Brick, you made it!

Sorry! Couldn't do it!

Well, what do you think? Should we have kids?

Probably not.

I don't think we'd be very good at it.

So Brick didn't conquer his fear that day, but Sue did.

She conquered the greatest fear known to woman-

Being seen in public in a two-piece.

Oh, that's such a cute suit. Pink looks good on you.

Axl conquered his fear of going up against a Donahue...

Hey, man. Congrats. The best man won.

Thanks, dude.

Yeah. We're gonna bail. Too many little kids here.

We're going to the lake.

Excuse me, lifeguard.

My little brother had an accident in the pool. Is he hurt?

It's not that kind of accident.

And six months later, for no particular reason, Brick decided he was ready to cross the bridge.

All right! Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

You did it! Whoo!

Okay, so you ready to try it in the car?

Oh, no. I'll never cross it in the car.

I'll just get out and walk whenever we get to a bridge.

Not really shaving a lot of time off the commute then, are we? It's progress.

Yep. Sometimes quitting can be the best form of parenting.

If you want to raise a leader-

You know what? I'm not giving this away for free.

It's all gonna be in my book.