03x22 - The Clover

[bunniefuu]

(Crow caws)

Frankie: The first warm day of spring--

After being cooped up all winter, kids all over America are bouncing off the walls to get outside...

Except one.

(Drapes open)

Ahh!

Come on, Brick. It's a nice day. Go outside.

Why are you punishing me?

You're not being punished.

You should want to go outside and play.

No, thanks.

Okay, then you're being punished. Go outside.

Ah, no book.

(Whines)

What do kids even do outside?

I don't know-- Run, frolic, poke something with a stick...

What about Tina Rafferty? Does she have a date?

Going with Brian Dalton.

That girl with the extra finger who sits in the back of American History?

Skater guy with the faux-hawk asked her.

Would you guys shut up about stupid prom?

Says the guy who already has a date.

Whoa, Weird Ashley is not a date. Okay?

She's a witch, and she tricked me into going, with her freaky mind powers.

(Sighs, groans) Prom is gonna suck.

Why do I even have to ask anybody?

There's too much pressure.

I don't want to deal with all the prom-a drama.

I just want to dance.

You're not gonna dance now, are you?

No. Gonna take a whiz.

You know, if I was gonna ask somebody to the prom, it would be Emily Anderson.

Ooh. Emily.

Oh, yeah.

I laid some major groundwork at my folks' Christmas party, but then I got busy-- Didn't close the deal.

I mean, she's super hot. Someone's gonna ask her...

Someone like... you.

What?

Wait, this is perfect. Just stay with me here. Okay?

You take her to prom and just hold her for me.

It's like pushing the pause button until I'm able to finish what I started. Huh?

Come on, dude.

I would totally date a hot chick you liked, for you.

(Sighs) Fine, but we're going halfsies on the corsage.

Cool.

(Chuckles) Now we just gotta find a date for Darrin.

Not a problem. I got a date.

Yeah, right. What'd you do?

Ask someone you met on the way to the bathroom? (Laughs)

Sue: Darrin.

Do you like this color?

I was thinking magenta for a dress if you want to coordinate. Aah!

I'm just a frosh and I'm going to prom! (Laughs)

Okay, Aunt Edie. I finally got her to go.

She went number three, so...

I'm just gonna change her diaper, bleach my hands, and then hit the road.

(Gasps) What the-- Aunt Edie!

(Sizzling)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(TV playing indistinctly)

Aunt Edie...

Oh, no, thank you, dear. I couldn't eat a thing.

(Sighs) Aunt Edie, I don't know if you're okay here by yourself anymore. I'm worried about you.

I'm worried about you.

You'll never get a man if you can't cook.

(Sighs)

(Clatter)

(Loudly) You know, if you ever get confused, you can always call.

Remember we bought you this new phone?

There's pictures of me and Janet and mom on it.

So if you ever need help, or you just want to talk to me, all you have to do is push my face.

Hello?

Don't know why you even want it, dad. Doesn't work.

You never know when you need a backup.

You already got six busted dishwashers sitting in your yard.

Now I got seven.

I'll just hoist it up on the truck there, and I'll be out of your hair.

Hang on. Let me do it.

Oh, no, I don't want to be a bother.

Not a bother, dad.

If you have a heart att*ck trying to move it, that's gonna be a bother.

Well, don't scratch it.

Hi, dad. Hi, Grandpa Big Mike.

Hey there, Brick.

I found a four-leaf clover. It's good luck, you know.

See, Brick? You put down the books for a second--

Can I be done being outside now?

Fine.

Hang on.

What's that on your neck?

Looks like you picked up a tick.

What?!

It's all right.

We'll get it out of there with some tweezers, and put some cream or something on there.

If it's too deep, we'll call the doctor.

Doctor? What are you gonna call a doctor for?

I'll just burn it off of him right here.

Uh, yeah.

I don't know how I feel about burning things off my neck...

Or any place, really.

Relax, dad. We got it.

Well, all right, but if that head buries, you know what's gonna happen.

I don't! What's gonna happen?!

I used to cut ticks out of you all the time, and you're still here, aren't you?

I'm not burning or cutting anything off of or out of my son, okay?

Wow. When did you get so soft?

Guess I always wanted a daughter.

Dad. Enough.

I'm just saying, that's... That's not how I raised you.

Don't talk about how you raised me.

You weren't around that much. Okay?

You didn't do that great a job.

Well, I guess...

I'm done here. I'll just get on down the road.

Thanks for the dishwasher.

Uh, hello?

I'm still very interested to know what happens if the head buries. (Whispers) Head buries.

Why? Why would you ask my sister to the prom?

I don't know. She's nice. She has a sunny disposition.

Dude, that's my sister you're talking about.

Then you know what I mean.

No, Darrin. I don't know.

I don't know why you would ever in a billion trillion years think it was okay to ask my sister out on a date.

It's not a date.

I just want someone to dance with, who's nice to talk to, and so does she. You should get to know her sometime.

She's actually pretty cool.

Ohh. (Groans) Make it stop.

(Telephone rings)

(Beep)

Hello?

(Aunt Edie) Who's calling?

You are, Aunt Edie.

You're calling me again. Do you need something?

Okay. I'm gonna let you go now.

How do I hang up?

The red button.

Just push the red button.

Got it.

(Beeping)

Hello?

The red button. (Beeping continues)

Red button, red button, red button.

(Beep, beeping stops, clatter) (Sighs)

She find the red button?

I don't know. I found mine first.

I mean, we can't float this any longer.

We gotta find somebody to take care of Aunt Edie.

If not, she may have to move in here.

Look harder.

I'm worried, Mike.

She almost set her house on fire.

Oh, well, then, definitely, move her in here.

(Sighs)

(Door closes)

Well, I have terrible news.

You've come to the right place.

The library's closing due to budget cuts.

Oh, no. That's where I dump you all summer for free babysitting.

What's happening to me?

First the tick, then the library closing...

Then the paper cut I just got. (Sucks)

As soon as I got this clover, my life started falling apart.

If you think about it, there's really only one plausible explanation.

(Door opens)

This clover is evil.

(Whispers) Evil.

(Door closes)

What about the lady who took care of your dad when he broke his hip? Would he remember her name?

I'm not talking to my dad anymore.

Oh, gee.

What are you gonna do with the extra four words a year?

(Door opens)

Sue: Hey, Brick.

You'll never guess what I found outside.

How lucky are you that I saw it?

(TV playing indistinctly) Hey, we're interviewing a bunch of people to take care of Aunt Edie, and I can't find any of the coffee mugs.

Have you seen any?

(Sighs) Thanks for your help.

How is it not helpful? I went to get a mug.

There weren't any in the cupboard, so I thought, "what's the last thing mom will ever use?"

Measuring cup. Eh? You're welcome.

(Clink)

Axl, do people at school say they're "Going to prom" or "Going to the prom"? I've heard it both ways.

What does Darrin say? We should probably match.

Oh, my God.

You should say you're not going to the prom with Darrin.

It's a crime against nature.

What is your problem?

It's not like we're gonna make out or anything.

Ugh, yeah, thanks for that image.

Besides, if I was gonna crush on any of your friends, it would totally be Sean.

Are you trying to make me puke?

(Turns TV off)

(Remote control clatters)

Although...

I suppose, if Darrin and I really hit it off, we could end up getting married, and then I would be Mrs. Sue...

Darrin's last name. You and I would be related.

We are related.

Then we'd be double related.

(Doorbell rings) Oh, no.

Yeah. You'd have to come to our house at Christmas.

Oh, no! No. No, no, no. I'm not talking to you anymore.

Stop. Get off the couch. Leave me alone.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Our Aunt Edie interviews are starting, so unless you want the job, clear out.

You know, you should really be nice to me, or I'll never let little Darrin or Amanda see their Uncle Axl!

So what made you want to apply to be Aunt Edie's caregiver?

I saw in the ad, she's into smoking and drinking, and I'm like, "this old lady likes to party."

Well, the ad said I'd have my own room.

I just love old ladies.

Should probably get this out right off the top.

I don't cook, so...

What kind of experience do you have?

With partying? Tons.

Uh, not really any.

So she'd never come in my room, right? Like, ever?

The older, the better, I say.

Another FYI-- I don't really clean, either.

Do you have any questions for us?

What kind of meds is she on? Anything good?

What kind of security system does she have?

I mean, I... I love old ladies...

A lot.

Wow. So many good applicants.

I don't know how we're gonna choose.

(Gasps)

Sorry, Axl. I can't go to prom with you anymore.

Are you serious?

Fred Fredman asked me.

His D&D character's a ninth-level magic user, so...

Okay. No worries. You two have a good time.

(Indistinct conversations)

(Laughs) Thank you, Fred Fredman. I'm free!

Nice.

Now I just gotta find Emily, tell her she's getting an upgrade. (Chuckles) Sean?

You're the man.

I totally appreciate you keeping her on ice for me, dude.

Uh, yeah. That ice melted a bit.

My mom already called her mom, they scheduled photos...

Plus we already rounded a couple bases.

What? No! That is so not cool.

I've been working on her for a long time.

Oh, you mean when you were asking Weird Ashley to prom?

I did ask her. I was tricked.

I can't believe you would do this to me.

I thought we were bros.

Bro. You can't ask him to give up his date.

Oh, don't you dare "bro" me.

Bros don't ask other bros' sisters to prom!

(Sighs) Everyone's got a date but me.

Hey, you can always third-wheel with us.

I'd have to run it by Sue, of course, but--

(Groans)

Wait a minute.

New idea forming.

What happens every year at prom?

A baby gets born?

That was last year. No. Think about it.

Couples break up.

There's always girls crying in the bathroom.

It's guaranteed.

So in walks me, offering a very handsome shoulder to cry on.

It's a major chick-atunity.

Dude, you're a genius.

Uh, yep. a*-man's going stag.

Look out, all you idiots with dates.

I'm gonna be king of the prom.

There you go. Sugar?

Oh, no, thank you. I'm fine.

So you enjoy taking care of people?

I guess you'd have to. You've seen what we're paying.

Oh, I consider it a privilege.

I don't think folks realize how much we have to learn from our aging relatives.

(Blows raspberry)

Well, of course they can be frustrating, always thinking they know best, but in the end, you forgive 'em 'cause they're your family, and you love 'em.

And they won't be around forever, right?

I remember one time before he d*ed, my dad--

Fine. (Keys jangle)

Well, obviously, Mike doesn't need to hear anything else...

(Door closes)

And I think you seem great, too, so...

Unless you have any questions...

Actually, I do have one.

Your Aunt Edie doesn't smoke, does she?

'Cause I really hate smoking.

She might...

Every once in a while.

Would she be willing to quit?

Would you be willing to start?

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Door creaks)

Hey, dad. Uh, when you were over the other day, I know I...

Might have said something...

Oh? Didn't notice.

I think you did. Um...

I guess what I'm... trying to say is, I'm sorry.

Came all this way to say sorry?

Yeah, dad. I did.

Wow.

You really have gone soft.

That's it.

Hey, mom.

Since this is my first big high school dance, I just wanted to go over some ground rules with you so you wouldn't be worried.

Oh, yes, I was definitely gonna want to go over ground rules.

I went to kickinitteenstyle.com to check curfew recommendations on their "How late? Debate."

Their rule of thumb is 11:00 PM unless you've earned your parents' trust, in which case, it'd be midnight. Have I earned your trust, mom?

You have, but Darrin hasn't, and he's just so dumb. I'll see you at 11:00.

Mom, we gotta return these books to the library before it closes for good.

I wanted to warn you early so we had time.

We have 14 minutes.

Brick.

Don't blame me. Blame the clover.

13 minutes.

(Telephone rings) Let it ring.

Hi, Grandma Dot.

Hello, Brick.

Sad, isn't it? The last drop-off.

Yeah. Me and this box have had a lot of good times together.

I like to pretend I'm feeding him.

Hey, mom? Can we give Grandma Dot a ride home?

Oh, Brick, I have enough old lady problems.

I don't have time to go carting around s--

Hey there. Hop on in.

What are you going to do now that you can't read to the kids at the library, Grandma Dot?

I don't really know.

It was a real surprise when they announced the closing.

Such a shame. All those...

Maybe if I came into work late Tuesdays and Thursdays, I could check on Aunt Edie.

Everything seems to be changing.

I was looking after my sister, but recently she passed away.

I wonder if I could just hide her down in our basement.

There's a TV. She could come up for holidays...

Yep. My sister's gone. The library's closed.

I have a lot of free time at the moment, living all alone.

Why can't this woman stop her yammering so I can just figure this out?

Sweetie, do you mind terribly if I have a smoke?

(Door closes)

I don't want to jinx it, Mike, but I might have solved our Aunt Edie problem.

Great, that's two less old people to worry about, 'cause I'm done with my dad.

(Sighs) And where the hell are all the spoons?

Did you check the dishwasher?

(Gasps) The dishwasher. Oh, that's it.

That's gotta be where all our stuff is.

We left it in the old dishwasher.

You know, just run by your dad's and get it.

Nope. I'm not going back there.

Fine, then I guess we'll just go the rest of our lives without spoons.

Fine by me.

(Outasight) ♪ we set it off ♪
♪ tonight is the night, is the night ♪
♪ that we're losing control ♪
♪ tonight is the night, is the night ♪
♪ we set it off ♪

(Song ends) (Sue and Darrin pant)

Whoo! Wow. You are, like, a really good dancer.

Thanks. I might have practiced.

Oh. The gym looks so magical.

(Ballad playing)

Everyone looks so magical.

It's a magical night!

♪♪♪

(Sighs)

(Imitates giggle)

Hey. I heard you got dumped by Weird Ashley.

I did not get dumped by Weird Ashley!

The universe corrected a situation that never should have happened in the first place, so...

(Sighs)

Hey. Heather. Getting your own pop, huh?

(Fizz)

Ouch.

I thought Glenn was cooler than that.

I'm sorry he can't cherish you in the way a hottie such as yourself deserves to be cherished.

I hope you two can get past this, but if you can't and you need someone to talk to, or just a shoulder to cry on...

Man: ♪ look at the sky and get back there ♪

(Snap)

(Groans)

What?

All right, Brick. Go get 'em.

(Shifts gears)

You're not gonna help me?

I'm gonna stay here. You go.

Clover.

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Engine turns off)

Hi, Grandpa Big Mike. Dad says I'm supposed to get our dishes out of the old dishwasher.

Okay.

Looks like your dad's finally got you doing something for yourself.

(Mike groans)

You know, dad...

(Car door closes)

If you got a problem with the way I'm raising my kids, why don't you just say it?

Aw, it's not for me to say. They're your kids.

Yeah. They are, dad-- my kids, and you got a-- (Loud clatter)

Brick: Stupid clover!

Hey, Brick, Brick! What are you doing?

Be careful with that.

What?

Nothing.

No, you're right. You're right. That is soft.

Brick? Forget the hammer.

How'd you like to use a chain saw?

Here, let me fire it up for you.

Um, I'm not even allowed to use an electric toothbrush.

Aw, what are you worried about?

Your dad was using a chain saw when he was half your age.

No, you know what? Chain saws are for softies.

I bet we can do better, huh, dad?

How about, uh, how about the blowtorch?

Nothing wrong with a boy learning how to use a blowtorch.

Go ahead, Brick.

Your grandpa's gonna make you a man.

Thanks, but I think I'll stay a boy for now.

Come on. It's just 3,000 degrees of searing heat--

Nothing to be afraid of. And grandpa says it's okay.

Teach him how to use it properly, I don't think it's such a big deal.

Okay. What's it gonna be, Brick?

Chain saw or blowtorch? Fire or steel?

You know, I'm thinking the clover might not be the source of the curse after all.

I think it might be genetics.

At least now I get to keep the four-leaf clover.

They're actually kind of rare.

Uh-oh.

Where'd it go?

(Nadia Fay) ♪ you and me ♪
♪ we are sharing possibilities ♪ (Girl sobbing)

Oh, my God.

Can you believe he dumped her like that on the phone?

Yeah, that is so not cool. I feel so bad for her.

♪ Surprising even me ♪
♪ with its endless ♪
♪ possibilities ♪
♪ I don't believe in fate ♪
♪ 'cause we're not written in the stars ♪
♪ you won't see our story ♪

What is luck? Is there such a thing?

♪ In a crystal ball ♪

Maybe luck is having someone there when you need 'em...

(Sue laughs)

Or more than one person, if you're really lucky.

(Cricket chirping)

Aw, you're not gonna spend all night looking for his silly clover, are you?

Wouldn't have caught me doing that for you when you was a kid.

I know.

Hang on, son. I think maybe I have another flashlight around here somewhere.

In Aunt Edie's case, she found someone who had it together from the neck up, while she had it together from the neck down.

What was I getting again?

The remote, an ashtray, and you were gonna turn off the stove.

Ha ha! Yes. That's right.

And if that's not luck, I don't know what is.