05x03 - The Potato

[bunniefuu]

[ Crow caws ]

Frankie: Church-- sometimes you go for fellowship, sometimes you go for spiritual nourishment, and sometimes you go 'cause they loaned you the church van, which you kept way too long 'cause your daughter got her driver's license, and it was nice to have an extra car.

Verse 8 says, "charity never faileth."

Everyone here today has been touched by the church's generosity-- some more than others.

What precedes charity is faith and hope.

You have faith in the object of your charity, and you hope that someday, it will be returned to you.

Crap. They want the van back.

Thank you. Hey. Nice to see you.

Have a great week.

Hey! [ Chuckles ]

Reverend Hayver.

Oh, great sermon today.

It was entertaining, but it also made you think.

We want the van back, Frankie.

Yeah, I know we've had it for a long time, but you know how those insurance companies are.

I mean, they're happy to take your money, but once you need something fixed, good luck.

Am I right? [ Chuckles nervously ]

We know you got your car back.

We drove by your house last night.

Wow. [ Sighs ] Spying on people's houses.

Doesn't seem very Jesus-ey.

The van is supposed to be used to help people in need.

Oh, we help people in need. Right, guys?

Totally!

Sure.

Not that I recall.

Just last week, I drove the Senior Ladies' prayer group to the beauty parlor.

Yes, and then you made them sit in the van while you went shoe shopping.

Who told you that? Berta?

You know she cheats at bingo.

I need the keys, Frankie.

We hope we can do this peacefully.

[ Sighs ]

Fine.

[ Scoffs ]

Can we at least get our stuff?

I think we might have left a few things in there.

Did our church just break up with us?

At least they had the decency to do it during football season.

Ugh. Can you believe that guy?

"Feel free to explore other religions."

I wouldn't mind checking out the Christian Scientists.

I hear they have a very nice reading room.

I don't know why you guys are complaining.

I'm the one who doesn't have a car anymore.

I can't go back to riding the bus.

Do you realize how big of a dork I'll be if I get back on that bus?

I miss Axl.

There you are-- finally!

Axl, what's going on? Why aren't you at college?

I have the world's worst roommate.

I'm not kidding.

The guy is a total pig. He leaves his crap everywhere.

Really?

And he farts constantly, even though he's like two feet from my head!

Really?

It's impossible rooming with the guy!

He acts like I don't even exist.

Really?

Does he eat all your food?

[ Muffled ] Yes.

Hmm. What is like living with someone like that?

Mm.

[ Smacks lips ] I could tell you some stories.

[ Smacks lips ]

Anyway, I'm gonna need you guys to kick in an extra 50 bucks a month so I can move into a single dorm--

$60 gets me a pond view... just saying.

Great.

I'll just call the bank and have them release some money from your discretionary fund.

Awesome. [ Chuckles ]

Now, if you can just scoot three feet to your right, this will have been the perfect conversation.

Axl, we're not giving you any money.

It's only 50 extra bucks a month!

Axl, your dad's wearing a belt he found on a park bench.

We're not giving you any more money.

Oh, come on!

We have all worked so hard to get me to where I am.

Now is not the time to give up!

Actually, we're very comfortable giving up.

So that's it? You're just gonna cry poverty?

It's not like you guys are doing everything you could do.

Mom, you can't possibly say you're working to capacity.

I mean, you're home now, aren't you?

And, dad, you could pick up a few extra night shifts.

I mean, what are you rushing home to, anyway?

Mike: Sorry, pal. You're a big boy now.

[ Sighs ] You got to start figuring out things on your own.

Frankie: Axl, look.

Why don't you just talk to your roommate, be diplomatic?

You can be very persuasive and charming when you want to.

I know. I'm amazing. What's your point?

Why are we still talking about this?

We have bigger problems here.

We don't have the church van anymore.

Do you realize how big of a dork I will be if I get back on that bus?

Sue, you don't need a bus to be a dork.

Your face, clothes, and personality will do the job for you.

There it is.

Sue: Okay.

I think I figured out a system for the three of us to share two cars.

Sue.

Just hear me out.

I promise you guys won't be inconvenienced at all.

You're already wrong, but go ahead.

All righty.

Dad, you're the blue line, mom, you're the red line, and I'm the green car keys.

On Monday, I'll drive mom to work, and dad will pick her up on his way home from the quarry.

Then, after wrestlerette practice, I'll grab Brick from the library, and dad will drop mom at the frugal hoosier on his way to his softball game.

Now, Tuesday might get a little complicated.

[ Grunts ]

It involves four different drop-offs, and Brick would have to drive, but only for one block.

Sue... it's not gonna happen.

You're just gonna have to suck it up and take the bus.

But that's not fair!

Axl got his own car in high school!

Yeah, and he held two jobs to pay for the gas and insurance.

Oh, my God!

[ Posters thud ] I'm 16! I can get a job!

I can work! I'm so lucky!

Yeah, your dad and I pinch ourselves every day.

Mom, can you drop me off at the mall this week after school to job hunt?

Dad could pick me up.

Oh! We'll use Friday's schedule!

Hold on. Let me show you.

Uh, it's okay, Sue.

We'll figure something out.

[ Sighs ]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

I'm so excited, I'm gonna go call Carly.

What day can you pick her up from the mall?

Oh, I said we'll figure something out-- I meant you.

What is it with kids always wanting stuff?

Brick's the only one who's not bugging us lately.

I know, right?

I mean, his transition to middle school has been oddly hassle-free.

I thought for sure we'd have gotten "the call" by now.

[ Telephone ringing ]

Don't answer it.

[ Sighs ]

Hello?

[ Woman speaking indistinctly on telephone ]

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

It's "the call."

[ Sighs ]

[ g*nf*re, explosions from video game ]

So, Axl, in a desperate moment, did something he'd never done before-- he took his parents' advice.

[ Explosions ]

Whoa! Nice sh*t!

[ Keyboard clacking ] You've got some mad skills.

[ Chuckles ] Hey.

So, before you destroy another civilization, I was thinking maybe we could, uh, you know, chat a little. [ Chuckles ]

I mean, what's the use of getting randomly assigned to a guy if you can't get to know him, am I right?

[ Clacking continues ]

Okay.

[ Sighs ] Oh!

Here's an idea-- what do you say we, uh, clean this place up a little, hmm?

I'll get it started.

Okay.

Huh. Well, I believe these bad boys are yours.

[ Chuckles ]

So, why don't I just start a pile for you?

There we go.

Uh, hey!

You done with this old dental floss, or...

Yuck. Yeah.

[ Shudders ]

Ew.

On second thought...

[Inhales deeply] It's getting pretty late.

[ Sighs ]

I think I'm gonna catch some Z's.

[ Grunts ] Whoo!

Hey.

You seen my pillow anywhere, or...

Oh.

You're sitting on it. [ Chuckles ]

Uh... if I could just...

That's cool. [ Clears throat ]

I'll just ball up some of these old, dirty clothes instead.

[ Chuckles ]

[ g*nf*re ]

Thank you for inviting us in today.

I didn't invite you.

This isn't some cocktail party at your neighbor's fancy rec room.

You're here because we have an issue.

Yeah, about that.

We were actually surprised to get your call.

Things have been going so well.

Yeah, Brick's been really happy this year.

Oh, has Brick been happy?

Oh, that's great.

Why don't you take a guess why, hmm?

[ Imitates buzzer ] Time's up!

It's because he hasn't been attending any of his classes.

That's crazy.

What?

All of his teachers have reported that he's not showing up.

But we've been dropping him off at school every morning.

Where is he going?!

I don't know.

I have 425 kids to worry about.

And you have how many?

Hmm. Let me check.

Oh, that's right-- one.

So, why don't we go ahead and make that your job, hmm?

Actually, we have three kids, but Mike's really in charge of the boys.

[ Sighs ] Oh, sure-- nobody wants the sixth graders.

They're not cute and adorable little elementary-school kids.

They're ugly, hormonal, one-baby-tooth, one-grown-up-tooth middle-school messes.

And you parents just want to dump them and run.

We do not dump our kids.

Trust us-- we've tried. They keep coming back.

Mm. I'm sorry.

Did you think we're still talking?

We're not.

[ Dialing ]

Brick! [ Sighs ]

Kids are never around when you want them and always around when you don't.

I am so glad you guys are here.

Brad and I canvassed the mall looking for job applications, and I really need help narrowing down my choices.

Okay, Tacos Olé has super-cool uniforms, but the Yamamoto Beef Bowl smells amazing!

This is so hard!

It's just like Sophie's choice. [ Chuckles ]

My friend Sophie is getting a puppy for her birthday, and she can't decide between a Corgi and a Beagle.

You know, Sue, there's also a movie called "Sophie's Choice."

Oh, really?! Was it about dogs?

Was it sad?

Oh, wait-- don't spoil it for me.

[ Papers rustle ]

I'm gonna go start filling out these job applications.

And, you know, a lot of these don't have space for a personal essay.

I guess I'll just attach my own. [ Door opens and closes ]

Well, look what the cat dragged in.

Hey, Brick. How was school?

Great.

I bet.

I'd like school, too, if I never had to go to class.

We got a call from your Principal.

You haven't been going to any classes?

Come on, Brick.

Lick all the windshields you want, but go to class.

What are you talking about?

Uh... look, here's the deal-- you can be quirky or irresponsible, but you got to pick one.

But I have been going to class.

Are you lying?

No.

Are you just in so deep you feel like you can't get out of the lie?

Mike: He's not doing his tell.

Say, "I've been going to class."

I've been going to class.

Say, "I like sports."

I like sports.

I'm lying.

I swear I've been going to classes.

Look, here's all the homework I've been doing.

And here's my Spanish test.

You got an A-minus on this.

It's one of my favorite classes.

Now, can I please go do my homework?

Or as Señor Frederick says, "¿puedo ir, por favor, terminar mi tarea ahora?"

I can't believe this.

I cannot believe that Principal had the nerve to call us in and treat us like that!

I told you not to answer the phone.

Enough is enough!

That place is a big, bungling bureaucracy, and somebody needs to call them on it!

We're going back in there.

Aw, come on!

We're not "go back in" people.

We're "barely show up in the first place" people.

I'm serious, Mike. I am sick of that school.

They're falsely accusing Brick, they had no idea who Sue was, and God knows what they did to Axl.

They made us feel like bad parents, and we are not bad parents.

Sue: Should I describe myself as loyal--

Not now, Sue!

[ Sighs ]

You are not gonna believe this!

I got an interview!

Hey!

Hey!

The Assistant Manager at Spudsy Malone's wants to meet me in the mall on the bench by the sunglasses kiosk next to the plant.

He said he wants to meet me at 3:00 to 3:15, so I think it's pretty serious.

No one cares about your stupid interview at the stupid potato place, Sue.

Mom, Axl stole my cereal!

Axl, give your sister the cereal.

Whatevs.

Mom!

Mike.

Axl.

Don't take this the wrong way, but... what the hell are you doing here?

I couldn't spend another minute with my nightmare of a roommate, so I drove home last night and slept in my bed.

I thought I saw a strange man standing in my room.

Axl, you can't just come home anytime you want.

And, Brick, in the future, if you see a strange man in your room, you should probably scream or run.

Or both.

[ Sighs ]

So, I tried to use your stupid advice, which, of course, didn't work, so I had no other options.

I mean, eventually, I'll meet a hot chick with a sweet room I can shack up with, but this guy is really starting to affect my studies.

I mean, don't you want me to do good at school?

Yeah, we want you to do good at school.

You're not sleeping and showering here.

Your hot water is up there, your electricity's up there, your food's up there.

Basically, everything's up there except you.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe this!

[ Slams table ] Unh!

I thought you guys would miss me!

I'm your firstborn son!

I thought when I came home, there'd be a big parade, you'd throw your arms around me, be thrilled that I'm back, but no!

I come here for a little love and support, and I get nothing!

You guys are so selfish!

Well, guess what--

I'm out of here.

So, take a good look, 'cause the a*-Man is leaving!

Can somebody get the door?

Now slam it!

When most people have a problem, they work diligently to solve it... and then there's Axl.

It's so sad.

My roommate's financial aid fell through, so she had to move back home.

[ Sighs ] Anyway, now I've got this huge dorm room all to myself.

Hi, there.

Axl Heck.

Okay, I think I finally have the e-mail I'm gonna send to the Principal.

I thought you finally had it last night at 11:00... and 1:00 and 2:30.

How's this sound?

"Dear Principal Barker, my husband and I would like the opportunity to meet with you at your earliest convenience."

Agh. Why do we have to go back in there?

Can't you just call her?

Think about it, Mike.

How many times do we get the chance to go to a school meeting where we're actually right?

Trust me.

This is something we're gonna want to do in person.

"I think you'll be very interested in what we have to say."

Notice I'm not telling her what we're mad about.

I don't want to give her a chance to load up her argument.

"We know you have 425 students to deal with, but we hope you have time to deal with our one."

See? I threw her own words back in her face.

Ba-bam!

Why are you so angry?

So many reasons.

[ Door opens and closes ]

Dad, guess what!

Good, honey.

Say hello to the new Potato Girl at Spudsy Malone's!

Oh, congratulations!

So the interview went well.

It was amazing!

The manager offered me the job so quickly.

He was super decisive.

You don't normally see that kind of maturity in a 14-year-old.

He was really impressed.

At one point, I was reading from my essay, and he even said, "I don't need to hear any more."

Wow.

And check out this awesome pin.

"Try our new tuna and cheese potato.

I love it!" [ Chuckles ]

And they even gave me a free one to take home.

I'm so excited. [ Chuckles lightly ]

Oh.

Must've been a bad bite.

Ugh.

That was even worse than the first one.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is not happening!

Honey, what's the problem?

The problem is, I am gonna be wearing a pin that says, "Try our new tuna and cheese potato.

I love it!"

And I clearly do not love it.

Well, Sue, it's just a job.

You don't have to like what you do.

It's-- it's like cleaning people's teeth or parenting.

All I know is I am finally working at a fast-food stand in the mall, which is awesome, but now my dream is turning into a nightmare!

I won't be selling delicious Idaho potatoes with your choice of 34 different toppings.

[ Voice breaking ] I'll be selling lies!

Sue, come on.

[ Door slams ]

[ Sighs ]

Mike: Don't look at me.

I'm in charge of the boys.

[ Sighs ]

[ Explosions ]

[ Knocking on door ]

So, Axl found the perfect girl...

Hey, buddy.

This is Beth.

...for Kenny.

She's a girl with a big, empty dorm room. [ Chuckles lightly ]

[ Clears throat ]

She's also on level five of "World Of Warcraft."

So, Axl was on the way to solving his problem, but Sue-- well, she was part of the workforce now, so she just had to suck it up and do the job they were payin' her for.

Have you tried our new tuna and cheese potato?

Because I have, and I really, really, really...

[ Voice breaking ] Have you tried our new tuna and cheese potato?

I'm sorry.

I...

[ Sobs ]

I really, really, really...

[ Hoarsely ] Love it!

[ Crying ] I don't love it.

I love it!

[ Crying ] It's horrible!

I got to go.

Please. Have a seat.

Thank you.

[ Clears throat ]

My husband and I would just like to say, the next time you accuse a student of something, you might want to get your facts straight first.

Is there a problem?

Yes, there is a problem.

You made us doubt our son.

Because of your accusations, we broke that sacred bond of trust that we hold so dear.

The fact is, Brick has been going to class.

We've seen his homework.

He even got an "A"-minus on his Spanish test.

Go ahead, Brick. Hit her with some Spanish.

Me llamo Brick.

What does that mean?

My name is Brick.

Boom. His name is Brick.

The bottom line is, you called us in here and made us feel crappy about ourselves, and that's wrong.

We are good parents, and we know what's going on with our son.

So, rather than judging us, you might want to spend a little time looking at yourself because, apparently, you don't even know what's going on with your own teachers in your own school.

I'm very sorry, but all of Brick's teachers said he hasn't been attending classes--

Ms. Henderson, Mrs. Kimball, Mr. Purdy...

Oh. Who are they?

Your teachers.

I don't think so.

I don't know any of those people.

What?

Oh, wait a minute.

Those must have been the names of the teachers I got on the first day.

Yeah, I didn't go to any of those classes.

Sue said I didn't have to.

Trust me, Brick.

Middle school is so much better than elementary school, 'cause, like, in elementary school, you have to stay with the same teacher all day.

But in middle school, if you get bored with one class, it's not so bad because you get to switch classes.

Hmm.

I really didn't mesh with the Pre-Algebra teacher, so I switched to Geometry.

I'm not a big fan of US History, so I tried European History, which wasn't great, but I got a seat by the window, which I loved.

I swapped Spanish 1 for Spanish 3, and my Biology teacher was a bit dry, so I decided I'd give Shop Class a whirl, which I'm very happy I did because I'm halfway through building what I'm told is a bird house.

Mike: Brick, that's not what Sue meant.

She meant that if you don't like a teacher, at least you get to go to another one later, not in place of.

Oh, that's very different...

[ Scoffs lightly ]

...but I'm assuming I still get to keep my three lunch periods?

Well, you have 425 other students to take care of, so we'll just get this one out of your hair.

Uh, before you go, Brick has six weeks of homework to make up for in five different classes.

Me llamo Principal Barker. Boom.

Get out of my office.

You're right. I'm glad we did that in person.

Oh, no.

What?

I left my purse in the Principal's office.

The car keys were in it.

[ Sighs ]

There's no way we're going back in there now.

So, for the second time in a week, we were slinking home in shame.

Yep, we'd slinked about as low as we could slunk.

[ Horn honks ]

Passengers: ♪ oh, the Lord is good to me ♪
♪ and so I thank the Lord ♪
♪ for giving me the things I need ♪
♪ the sun and the rain and the apple seeds... ♪

[ g*nf*re ]

Can you guys please take a break from that game?!

[ Beep ]

But the bottom line is, I can't sell something I don't believe in, even if it means taking the bus again.

Therefore, I am respectfully tendering my resignation.

The tuna and cheese potato was just the special of the week.

In three days, our featured spud will be the Thai shrimp delight.

Really?!

Well, that sounds delicious.

[ Laughs ]

Everybody goes through rough patches.

We're not the only ones.

But no matter how bad things get, you just got to hunker down and ride it out, 'cause as a wise 14-year-old manager once said, "In a few days, a new potato will come along."