05x16 - Stormy Moon

[bunniefuu]

[ Crow caws ]

Frankie: Out here in the Middle, we all have our heroes, but for Sue Heck, there was one hero more super than all the rest.

♪ be careful on the internet ♪
♪ that skater boy that you just met ♪
♪ might be a lonely convict in a penitentiary ♪
♪ be careful on the world wide web ♪
♪ be certain of your Facebook friends ♪
♪ that dream boat you're in love with might not exist ♪
♪ you've been catfished ♪

Hello, my friends.

Isn't he amazing?

Nobody gets us like he does.

As you know, I've spent the last few months roving the Great Plains with my new seminar "Teens 'n Screens, What Would Jesus Tweet?"

[ Chuckles ]

Well, my travels took me to the upper Peninsula of Michigan, where I crossed paths with somebody I think is pretty great, and I'm guessing you will, too.

So, everybody give it up for my dear friend, Reverend Tammy!

[ Applause ]

Tammy: ♪ Jesus said in the Bible ♪
♪ "I am who am" ♪
♪ so if you IM Jesus, you'll know it's really him ♪
♪ look up from your cellphones, turn your computers off ♪
♪ cut the cord ♪
♪ you don't need a modem to e-mail the Lord ♪

Both: ♪ be careful on the internet ♪
♪ you have no idea who you just met ♪
♪ be careful on the internet ♪
♪ it's probably a weirdo, you can bet ♪

[ Applause ]

Boom, sucka!

[ Laughs ] Three-point bed.

Dude.

This is the fifth time you checked your phone.

Sorry. Thought I might hear from Cassidy.

Think she came back into town yesterday.

Ahh.

Get a little spring break reunion?

Is Axsidy back in business?

First of all, it was "Caxl," and, no, I haven't seen her.

I mean, we've been talking and texting and stuff, and I told her I'd be home and she told me she'd be home, but we didn't set anything up.

Only one way to set something up.

You got to make the move.

[ Sighs ] I don't want to look needy.

But you are really needy.

This is true. [ Groans ]

[ Cellphone rings ]

Yep.

Cassidy: Hi, Axl.

Hey! Cassidy, what's up?

Oh, not much. What are you doing?

Nothing.

Me and Sean are just playing around on my bed.

That didn't sound right. Never mind.

Uh, hey, so if you're around, you want to maybe, uh, get together or something?

That could work.

How about later I swing by your house?

Yeah, I'll see you soon.

Sean and I just got to hop in the shower.

Uh, separately. Very separately.

I'll... just, uh, I'll see you later.

Uh...

Hey!

Hey.

[ Both chuckle ]

So, uh, wow. [ Chuckles ]

Great to see you.

How's, uh, it going?

You enjoying your art history and stuff?

Yeah, I really am.

How about you? You enjoying your football and stuff?

It's good. Yeah.

Really good.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Really good.

Whose brilliant idea was it to cook in here?

There's burnt cheese all over the quilt.

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Brick, could you...

[ Sighs ]

Forget it.

Frances Heck?

Uh-huh.

Mrs. Heck, we have a warrant for your arrest.

My arrest? What?!

Are you kidding?

Everybody always thinks we're kidding.

We're not kidding.

If you could please place your hands behind your back--

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's happening here?

This is obviously a huge mistake.

What am I being arrested for?

Ma'am, they'll explain the charges down at the station.

You have the right to remain silent.

Wait, wait, this is for real?

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

This is serious?

Ow! Ah!

I have rotator-cuff issues.

They say it's from sleeping with my hands over my head.

You know, I tried, but I can't fall asleep any other way, and-- aah!

Brick! Tell your dad what happened!

Okay.

Oh, and if you're going out, get cereal.

I mean [Sighs] this is ridiculous.

How is there an outstanding warrant for my arrest?

But for what? I didn't get a summons.

There's got to be some mistake.

No.

Looks like the exact charge is failure to return library materials.

[ Sighs ] Brick.

Are you kidding?

You're seriously arresting me for an overdue library book?

Mm-hmm.

That's what happens when you ignore three letters and two summons.

We aren't good at going through the mail.

I tell everybody we need a system, but then nobody obeys the system.

Look, we must not have realized it was an official summons.

I probably thought it was one of those appliance-store coupons "summoning" me to low, low prices.

Ma'am, when you make bail, you'll have a chance to tell your whole story to the judge.

But I'd streamline it a little.

I need bail now? Are you kidding me?

Once again, ma'am, I can assure you we are never kidding.

Would you, uh, please step over to that X on the floor?

[ Sighs ]

Might want to take an extra one of those, because as soon as I get home, I'm gonna k*ll my son!

It was supposed to be a jubilation celebration, but with this Reverend Tammy person, I'm just saying, her voice-- extremely grating.

And her smile-- I wish you could've seen it.

It was so fake.

Hey.

You were out with Cassidy pretty late last night.

What time did you end up getting home?

I don't know. Why do you care so much?

When I'm at school, you don't know what time I'm out.

I don't care. Just if you were dead in a ditch, I'd have ordered a medium pizza.

Hey, Frankie, we got Shorty's pizza!

It's getting cold!

She was definitely trying too hard.

Felt like she was saying the words but not really meaning it.

She was like a spiritual shrug.

And, like, people were clapping, but I think it was just to be polite.

[ Door slams ]

Oh, right.

I was supposed to tell you-- mom got arrested.

What?!

What are you talking about?

Yeah, that's right. I got arrested.

And you know why I got arrested?

Because apparently, someone's been using my library card without me knowing and checking out books and not returning them.

Based on the way you're looking at me, I'm assuming you think I know, but honestly, I have no idea who it could be.

It's you, Brick. I do know. It's you.

Wait, they're arresting people for overdue library books now?

That's ridiculous.

You know what I find ridiculous?

You all sitting here eating dinner while I rot in jail!

So, mom went to the slammer. [ Inhales sharply ]

You all thought it'd be me first, but it was mom.

It's hilarious.

Yes. It is hilarious.

I don't know which part was the most hilarious.

Maybe when they fingerprinted me, or maybe when they took my mug sh*t, or maybe it was all those hours spent sitting on a very cold bench waiting for my family to come and pick me up, 'cause there's no way they could possibly be sitting around the kitchen table, scarfing pizza, forgetting they even have a mother!

My phone's on vibrate.

I'm so sorry!

Battery's dead.

Hey, whatever happened to my phone?

Oh, mom, I am so, so sorry.

I'd have been down there in a second if I knew.

Oh, and guess what else--

Reverend Timtom has this new singing partner, Reverend Tammy, who is so not good.

And, I mean, everybody noticed.

I think I'm gonna have to say something to him so he knows how the teens are reacting to this.

Sue.

Long day.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go wash the jail off of me.

Enjoy your pizza.

Oh, hey, there, Sue Heck.

Hey, Reverend Timtom.

Hey, listen, do you think I could have a word with you?

Well, sure thing.

You know I always have time for you.

Just not a ton of time.

I'm running to a praise n' putt mini-golf fundraiser, but sh**t.

Okay, ever since the jubilation celebration, I've been kind of worried, 'cause it just seems like why would you change something that's already working, 'cause I think teens count on a certain kind of consistency 'cause we have stuff getting thrown at us every day.

Like last night, my mom got--

You know, if this is about moms and teens, you are in luck, because Reverend Tammy happens to be an expert.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. That's okay.

Reverend Tammy?

No, no, no.

Really, honestly, Reverend Timtom, we can just do it another time.

Tammy, would you mind rapping with my pal, Sue Heck, here?

Happy to lend an ear. Hi, Sue Heck.

Timothy's told me all about you.

Now, I'm gonna let you two pow-wow.

You're in good hands, Sue Heck.

Aww.

And you, I'll pick you up later.

Bye, babe.

Okay, the librarian said it's just one book that's overdue, and it's called "Stormy Moon."

Brick: "Stormy Moon"?

"Stormy Moon."

Does not ring a bell.

Come on, it's about a moon.

Sounds kind of science-fictiony, right?

Maybe it's in there with all your "Planet Nowhere" books.

Oh, yeah! That's a good idea.

You should go look in my room.

I am not hauling my butt to court to pay some 180-buck fine for a stupid book that you're too lazy to look for.

Now, stop screwing around and find it.

[ Scoffs ] You do not want to mess with me.

I already have a record, people. I got nothing to lose.

Wow.

Your mom got arrested.

I can see how you might be feeling upset.

No, that's not really it.

Well, maybe you're just concerned about how your mom's feeling right now.

No, no, not really.

No, that's not...

Okay, fine. Whatever.

Look, Sue, at my sleepover jams, after we have savior s'mores, I get to rap with a lot of girls that are in the exact same position as you.

And it's a really hard age, because there's so much changing in your bodies and at school.

Wrong. Wrong again.

I think maybe you should just lay it out there and-- and try talking to your mom about how you feel.

Do you? Do you think that's what I should do?

Maybe if you knew me for longer than a day, you'd know that that is actually the exact opposite of what I should do.

Because, you see, that's sort of a piece of, like, general advice for general teens, but it's not really very Sue specific.

Um, maybe I could better express myself through a song.

Let's see.

♪ Mary had one son born on Christmas day ♪
♪ she was hoping for a daughter ♪

But she didn't have much say.

All right! I'm gonna stop you right there.

I'm sorry, but singing advice doesn't really work for me.

I'm just not the kind of person who responds to singing as a way of solving your problems.

So, yeah.

Okay, everybody up.

Ooh! [ Chuckling ] Oh.

We are looking for a book called "Stormy Moon" by PJ Wilcox, and we are not doing anything else ever again until we find it, because I am not going back in the slammer.

Now?

But I already looked.

But Orson is having a teen crisis.

I just found the sun beam.

You know, on "The Brady Bunch," when they said they were going to do something, they all pitched in and did it.

The level of group determination in that family was just off the charts.

Here it's every man for himself.

Well, we are gonna Brady this situation right now.

[ Sighs ]

So, there's, uh, been a lot of late nights with Cassidy, huh?

[ Yawning ] Yeah, I guess.

How's that going?

Fine. We're just having fun.

All right.

But the only thing is, we've been having so much fun, that we haven't really had any time to, you know, talk.

[ Chuckles ] And the problem here is what?

Well, she's going back to New York tomorrow.

I don't know if she wants to keep in touch and be, like, a thing, or if she's more, "That was fun.

Have a nice life."

I just don't know what she's thinking.

Who knows what anybody's thinking?

Hell, I don't know if your mom still likes me.

Brick: Found it!

Frankie: Yes!

Guys, he's got it.

Brick found the book.

Oh, not the book.

I found these coupons for half off at The Pie House.

Brick, look at my face.

Do you have any sense of how angry I am right now?

Nothing pie wouldn't fix.

I will k*ll you.

Okay, uh, no offense, mom, but Orson is losing its number-one Christian role model, and all you can think about is a dumb book.

You have a dad, too.

Why don't you tell him about any of this stuff?

It wouldn't k*ll him to listen every once in a while, Mike.

Hey, I listen plenty, but there's only so many hours in the day, and I got to spend most of them at work so I can pay off things like overdue library books, Brick.

It's not my fault I can't find the book.

I live with the messiest person ever, Axl.

Hey, if I'm messy, it's 'cause I'm crammed into half a room instead of having my own room in a mansion that we can't afford 'cause they put all our money into Sue's mouth!

Oh! And why do you think I need braces, Axl?

It is because you drank all the milk that I was supposed to get to make my teeth strong and healthy.

I never got one sip!

You just drained mom dry.

That is why I have uncorrectable teeth and Brick is a foot shorter than he should be.

No! No! No! D-d-don't blame that on me.

He's short 'cause he's hunched over a book all the time!

That's why all of his growth spurts are all this way.

He keeps going, he's gonna be an O.

Maybe I read all the time 'cause dad never took an interest in me.

He's too busy coddling the milk hoarder.

You know what? This is very un-Brady.

Blaming each other isn't getting us anywhere, so if we can't find the book, we'll just have to take Brick down there and throw ourselves on the mercy of the court.

That-- that's a thing, right?

Meanwhile, Sue was preparing to make a case of her own.

Yeah, I know how you feel, you know how I feel.

We've talked it to death. Let's just leave it.

No, that's what you always want to do.

You just shut down.

I'm not shutting down.

We've been discussing it for an hour.

Well, I'm sorry that I've wasted all your time with something as trivial as my feelings.

Well, don't worry. I won't bother you anymore.

[ Door closes ]

[ Chair clangs ]

Hello?

Hey, Reverend Timtom.

Hey, Sue Heck.

Something I can help you with?

Oh, no.

Uh, I-I was gonna talk to you about something, but it's all right.

I'm good now.

Come on.

Pull up a chair. I insist.

[ Sighs ]

Sorry.

Uh, rough day.

So, what's on your mind?

Well, I guess you could say I have a big problem with--

Ugh, what am I doing?

No, I came here to say bad things about Reverend Tammy, and that is so mean of me.

Her teen advice was spot on, and I just threw it back in her face.

Oh, Sue.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Feelings are complicated.

But I was praying you two would have a fight and that she would slink back to Grand Rapids, and now you two have had a fight, and you seem really upset.

So, I take it you overheard our little tiff?

No, no.

Yes.

Sue, let me give you some advice.

No! Don't.

I really, really, really want it, but I don't deserve it.

I have been so selfish.

If you were happy, I should be happy for you.

Now you're unhappy, and it makes me unhappy.

I am doubly unhappy.

Oh, but I feel bad 'cause I don't want to make it about me being unhappy.

Oh, Sue, don't you understand?

Making you feel better makes me feel better.

It's what I do. It's how I roll.

And the fact that you're unhappy, that proves that you're not selfish at all.

[ Chords play ]

♪ oh, how I hate it when we disagree ♪
♪ I don't want to be mad at you ♪
♪ I don't want you to be mad at me ♪
♪ let's make up, let's make up ♪
♪ let's make up, let's make up ♪

You want to talk about feelings?

I'll talk about them all day long.

You know what? We don't have to.

♪ let's just keep singing this song ♪
♪ let's make up, let's make up ♪
♪ let's make up, let's make up ♪

Case 1492B, the city of Orson versus Frances Heck in the matter of unpaid library fees, avoiding a summons, and failure to appear.

Frances Heck, present.

Hi. I've appeared. [ Chuckles ]

Mrs. Heck, this court recommends that you plead no contest and pay the $180 fine, and then we can all get on with this glorious day.

Okay, all that sounds good.

The thing is, we don't have the $180.

This is what happened.

My son here loves to read so much that when he lost his library card, he borrowed mine to check out books, and then he happened to misplace one of them.

Was it irresponsible of him to lose that book? Yes.

But books are his only friends.

Tell him, Brick.

Well, I have made a few new friends.

I mean, they don't invite me to do stuff, but I stand near them and they don't ask me to go away.

[ Sighs ]

The point is, Brick has absolutely learned his lesson.

Brick, did you learn your lesson?

Oh, I-I definitely did.

Also, I learned that if my mom ever goes to jail again, I will tell my dad.

All due respect, Judge, is this really what we're doing now?

I mean, my wife was handcuffed and dragged down to the police station all because of a library book?

Mr. Heck, I judge the cases that are put before me.

I don't get to pick the ones that light my fire.

No, I'm sorry, but my husband is right.

Do you know about all the break-ins at Joe's Subs?

There are real crimes out there.

Real crimes.

Do we even know what happened to this book?

It's not in our house.

It could've been stolen.

My point is the police should be focusing on real crime and not be worrying about some kid's book that none of us can even remember what it's about.

It says here it's "Stormy Moon,"

$14.99 from Letter House Books.

"The tantalizing tale of a handsome drifter who awakens the sensual desires of a lonely housewife.

Stormy never dreamed when Lorenzo rebuilt her gazebo, he would also re-ignite her passion."

Okay, I'll write you a check.

Could you just wait a couple weeks to cash it?

[ Chuckles ]

Next case.

Well, good-byes pretty much suck, so how about we just say "So long"?

I don't know.

I've always been more of a "Happy trails" guy, myself.

[ Clears throat ]

So, uh, we never really did get around to talking.

Yeah, we haven't exactly done that, have we?

No. [ Chuckles ]

We really haven't.

But I have a surprise for you.

I painted you something, 'cause sometimes it's easier than talking.

And it kind of says everything about how I feel.

Really?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Breathes deeply ]

Oh, wow.

I know art's not your thing, but I kind of feel like I captured it.

I mean, this is us.

Yeah.

Obviously, you nailed it.

[ Chuckles ] Totally us.

You get it?

I didn't know if you'd get it.

Of course I do.

It's all there... in this painting right here.

[ Chuckling ] Oh!

Wow.

Okay, then.

Well, happy trails.

So long. [ Chuckles ]

[ Engine turns over ]

Oh, come on.

Did you seriously just check out another library book?

In fact, I did.

I found a copy in the Jasper County branch.

I have to say, when the judge read that plot summary, it really piqued my interest.

Turns out it's a real page turner.

Brick: The time had come for Lorenzo to drift again.

He would forever remain a beautiful mystery.

What does this mean?

Am I the fish or the crown, and what about that green thing?

What even is that green thing?

I got no idea what I'm looking at.

Seems like you guys could've talked about things in the time it took her to paint this.

She knew she would miss his stolen kisses, but would always treasure the happiness he helped her feel inside.

But sadly, what is borrowed must always be returned, and there is always a price to pay in the end.

Oh, snap! She jumped off a cliff.

Did not see that coming.