06x12 - Hecks on a Train

[bunniefuu]

[ Crows caw ]

[ Breathing deeply ]

I think she misses her.

We all do, Sue.

I can't believe I'm the last one who saw Aunt Edie alive.

I was just here reading her the crime report from the "Orson Herald," and she seemed fine.

She lit a cigarette with another cigarette and then said, "Thanks for stopping by, Axl."

Aw.

Aw.

I remember when I was little and she'd have her holiday parties, and I would go around to all the adults with my little toy drink cartons, and I would say, "Do you want chocolate milk or orange juice?", and they'd all say, "Oh, how nice", and I'd get to Aunt Edie and she'd say, "Shut up and make me a real drink."

Aw.

Okay, enough reminiscing.

Today's not about getting emotional.

It's about finding paperwork and cleaning up.

Okay, so we're looking for a birth certificate, a will, a napkin, any--

I think I found it.

[ Sighs ] No, it's another portable bar.

What's this?

Oh, it's a picture of the Leilani Motor Lodge in South Dakota.

It's where Aunt Edie honeymooned.

What, was North Dakota closed?

No, after she married her first husband Carl, they lived in South Dakota, and Aunt Edie always said she wanted to get back to the Leilani, but now she never will.

Aw.

[ Big band playing slow-tempo jazz ]

This was Aunt Edie's favorite song.

Aw.

Aw.

All right, everyone, stop remembering things.

We're looking for important papers.

Like this?

Ooh!

Okay, well, we got a birth certificate.

Social Security card.

Coupon from Elaine Powers.

Oh, this is some kind of official statement saying she made a payment on a burial plot.

Aw, she wants to be buried next to Carl.

Where's Carl?

South Dakota.

[ Record needle scratches ]

Sorry.

Can you hand me that briefcase?

Oh, it's a portable bar.

I know.

[ Train horn blows, wheels chugging ]

I still don't know why we didn't just drive.

Because you do for family.

This is our final show of respect.

We're not just gonna ship her off like luggage.

So where is she now?

She's resting comfortably in cargo.

Do we have any details about the cause of Aunt Edie's death?

Just one. She was 96.

Interesting. Has anyone questioned Helen Riley?

She was the perennial runner-up to Aunt Edie in the church pie contest.

No one hated Aunt Edie, Brick.

She was a great lady, and we were lucky to have her for as long as we did.

Sue: Well, I loved Aunt Edie.

But this could not have happened at a worse time.

I carved out the whole weekend to finish my common app for college.

Axl: Would you stop thinking about yourself, Sue?

Aunt Edie's gone forever, and family's the most important thing right now.

Wow. He seems really broken up.

Almost too broken up.

[ Train horn blows, wheels chugging ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Are you okay?

No, Brick, I'm not. I k*lled Aunt Edie.

I knew it! No one just drops dead at 96.

No... [ Sighs ] I didn't really k*ll her.

Okay. Ugh. Look. Here's the thing.

[ Sniffles ] Ever since high school, whenever I had a test I wasn't ready for, or a paper due I didn't finish, I kinda used Aunt Edie to get out of it.

Anyway, we just found out last night, so I think I'm gonna need a little more time on my philosophy paper.

Of course. And just remember, Axl, it was your aunt's shell she left on Earth.

It was her shell. So, like, three extra weeks?

Can't you see how guilty I feel about this?!

If my hair wasn't such a perfect length, I could barely look at myself in the mirror.

I used my aunt's life as a cheap excuse to get out of schoolwork, and by saying it so many times, I'm the reason she d*ed.

I k*lled her, Brick. I k*lled my aunt!

Ugh. I am so hungry. I can't concentrate.

Are we ever gonna eat?

I'm not paying 8 bucks for a Coke and an Oh Henry!

Sue, how's your essay coming?

Okay. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but I think so far, really great.

You wanna hear some of it?

Of course.

That's okay.

Okay. [ Clears throat ]

"My dad told me to wait to see what happens in life and then label it.

But I say, no, I named this 'The Year Of Sue,' and since then, great things have happened."

I think colleges are really gonna respond to this, because more than anything, they want the sh**ting for the stars type.

[ Gasps ] New title--

"sh**ting For The Stars."

So did we check the coffin to make sure Aunt Edie's in there?

Brick, listen to me.

She just got old and d*ed, but it's okay.

She had a great ride. She met a lot of wonderful people.

She saw a lot of wonderful places.

She really did everything she wanted to in life.

Actually, she did it with about 20 years to spare.

You're right.

Well, what have I done in my life?

I haven't done anything.

I've just laid around reading books about other people doing things.

If Aunt Edie's taught me anything, it's that life is waiting. Mom, take my book.

From now on, Brick Heck's gonna step outside his comfort zone and start living.

And what better place than on a train?

Frankie: So Mike and I crunched the numbers and figured we could spring for a plate of chicken fingers.

Excuse me. I don't think you gave us enough chicken fingers.

You asked for one order.

Yeah, but shouldn't there be at least five?

I mean, there's five fingers. You know, if you count the thumb as a finger, which most people do.

And if you're talking actual chicken fingers, I think they have at least seven.

[ Under breath ] Lot of attitude for a train bartender.

Oh.

Oh, my God. Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you sure?

You fell pretty hard there.

I know. I fall.

I-I fall all the time. It's stupid. I know.

Here. Why don't you sit down for a second?

Oh, thanks. That's a good idea.

Oh, you're being so helpful. I really appreciate it.

Oh, no, it's nothing.

[ Whispers ] Take care.

[ Mouths words ]

What are you doing?

I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm living life.

[ Groans ]

Look at all the dead trees and brown grass.

I can't believe I've been missing all of this. Mm.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This can't be happening.

What?

My phone! It was working just a minute ago, and now it's completely out of juice.

[ Groans ] Trapped on a 20-hour train ride to South Dakota with no phone and just my family to talk to.

[ Gasps ] It's Aunt Edie. She's getting her revenge.

I've k*lled her so many times.

Now she's k*lled my phone.

You don't need a screen to look at, Axl.

You're looking at the best screen ever--

Iowa in the winter.

[ Groans ]

Soak it in, my friend. Soak it in.

It's just embarrassing, Mike.

It's embarrassing that I fell, and my husband wasn't the one to pick me up.

Look, I was on my way to help you.

The guy just b*at me to it.

[ Scoffs ] Okay.

What does that mean?

It means, apparently, it's more important for you to get ketchup than to come and help your wife.

Yeah, I saw.

I was in the middle of pumping.

There's a rhythm to those dispensers.

It goes pump, pump, pump. [ Imitates squirt ]

And then a reset. You gotta pump all the way through to the reset, or you wreck your rhythm.

Whatever, Mike.

The important thing is you got your ketchup.

I'm just happy there was one gentleman on the train.

Look, you fell, and I didn't help you. I'm sorry.

What else can I do?

I'm sorry to bother you. I saw you fall earlier, and it looked like you might have twisted your ankle, so I brought you an ice pack.

Thank you so much.

Yeah. Thanks!

[ Plastic rustles ]

[ Train horn blows, wheels chugging ]

Look, I really am sorry.

[ Scoffs ] You know what? It's fine.

You're just not a nurturer.

But that's okay. I've made my peace with it.

What are you talking about? I... nurture.

[ Sighs ] You realize that when I found out Aunt Edie had d*ed, you didn't even hug me?

Sure, I did.

No, you didn't.

You patted me. It was a pat. Pat, pat, pat.

You're remembering it wrong.

No, I'm not.

They told me Aunt Edie had d*ed.

I hung up the phone. You said...

[ Imitates Mike ] "Well, we knew that call was coming."

[ Normal voice ] Then you patted me like a golden retriever and you went and watched TV.

You've never been a hugger, Mike.

When the kids were younger, they hugged me all the time, so I didn't really notice, but now it's very clear.

I'm trapped in a hugless marriage.

You wanna try a wordless marriage?

[ Scoffs ]

Fine. Prove me wrong. Nurture me.

Ugh.

Look me in the eyes for more than two seconds and tell me that you love me.

Right now in front of people?

Hug me, then. No, not even a hug.

Just-- just put your arm around me and comfort me.

[ Scoffs ] Is there a problem?

No. It's that the angle's weird.

You weren't worried about weird angles the other night.

Here I am, Mike.

Just nurture me as you see fit.

That's a pat.

Hey.

Hey.

Yeah.

I'm going to visit my uncle. He's a rancher.

Rancher. Cool.

He's got these awesome dirt bikes that I pop wheelies on.

Dirt bikes. Cool.

[ Mouth full ] Beef jerky?

Beef jerky. Cool.

Stop patting me. It's over.

I made a friend.

What? Where?

Here. He's this really cool guy named Travis, and he likes me.

[ Gasps ] Mike, wake up. Somebody likes Brick.

What? Who?

It turns out I'm cool on trains.

That's great, Brick.

So what do you and Travis talk about?

Nothing.

I figured out all I have to do is repeat what the other person says and then add the word "cool."

All these years I've been repeating myself when I should've been repeating other people.

[ Whispers ] Repeating other people.

Travis reminded me to have breakfast with him when the dining car opens. Can I go?

If he's buying, order extra and bring some back.

Bring some back. Cool. Magic, am I right?

[ Groans softly ]

[ Train horn blows, wheels chugging ]

Axl!

What? Ow! Oh. Come on, Aunt Edie.

Hmm! I'm finally done.

Here. Listen to the last line of my essay.

It's really, really good.

"And in conclusion, that is why I'll spend the rest of my life sh**ting at the cars and..."

"sh**ting at the cars"? Oh, pfft. Oh, God. I am tired.

It's a good thing I'm proofreading this.

[ Typing ]

[ Brakes squeal, clank ]

[ Computer chimes ]

[ Beep ]

Wait a minute. What just happened?

Where did it go?

"Congratulations. Your application has been sent."

[ Gasps ] No, no, no, no, I accidentally hit "Send"!

Axl: Classic. [ Laughs ]

[ Sue gasps ]

No, no, no, no, no! My life is over!

Hey, what's wrong?

What'd you do, Axl?

[ Gasps ] I was working on my essay, and it was all done, and I wanted to write "sh**ting for the stars," but instead I wrote "sh**ting at the cars," so I tried to hit "Delete," and then the train lurched and I hit "Send" instead, and now I'm never gonna go to college!

You got this.

Honey, can't you just tell the school you accidentally sent it?

It's not just one school. It's the common app.

This went to every school I applied to.

Well, just relax. I'm sure there's something we can do.

What can we do? Can we turn off the internet?

Is there a button for when the train lurches and you accidentally hit "Send"?

Is there a computer expert on this train who specializes in college applications?!

I'm more thirsty than hungry.

More thirsty. Cool.

[ Microwave beeps ]

Here's what we're gonna do.

[ Microwave door opens ]

You're gonna distract the bartender, then I'm gonna steal some beer.

Got it?

Steal a beer.

[ Microwave door closes ]

Cool. [ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Bell clanging in distance ]

Axl, Axl. [ Sighs ]

Ow. Ow.

You know more about computer stuff than I do.

Can you please just see if there's any way you can get my essay back?

Well... [ Scoffs and trills lips ]

I don't know, Sue. I think it's done.

I mean, look, it sent you a receipt of the schools you applied to.

[ Whimpers ]

Uh... Indiana, Purdue, Ball State.

East lndiana St-- [ Gasps ]

No. No, Sue.

No!

[ Voice echoes ]

It's true, Axl. I did apply to your school, but I'm sorry. I just love East lndiana so much.

[ Groans ]

I love the campus. I love the rotunda.

They have a really good psychology department.

Ow! It's like acid in my ears!

See? I knew we should have told him right when I told you guys.

Oh, my God. You knew about this?

You two supposed adults let this happen?

All right, listen, when Sue told us, dad and I called a family meeting.

We decided there was no sense in telling you the news unless she got accepted.

You had a family meeting without me?!

[ Sighs ] All right.

I know this is coming out of the blue, but if you really think about it, is this honestly that big a deal?

It's a huge deal! College is supposed to be the best four years of my life, and now two of those years are gonna be with Sue.

I'll be at a party being awesome, and in walks Sue with her big tubey water head.

This is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to a person!

I think your Aunt Edie might disagree with that.

Okay, stop freaking out, Axl.

I'm probably not even gonna get in.

They think I wanna sh**t at cars.

Oh, no. They're gonna want another Heck.

I'm like royalty up there.

Well, guess what? She may be going there, but I'm not. I'm getting off this train and starting my new life in...

Bear's Neck, South Dakota!

That's where I'll be living out my life.

I am outta here! Thanks for 20 crappy years!

Excuse me? My name is Brick.

Uh... Steen... Johnson.

I'm in the market for some chips today.

Knock yourself out.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Actually, I've decided not to do this.

I'm not a risk-taking person, you know, chip-wise, and Mesquite-- you never really know how that's gonna go down.

[ Crash ]

Axl!

Come on, Axl. You're not gonna live in Bear's Neck.

This place is an armpit!

[ Chuckles ] I'm sure it's lovely for you folks.

Man: All aboard!

[ Bell clanging ]

Axl!

Axl!

[ Horn blows ]

[ Shouts inaudibly ]

Crap!

Can I sit next to you?

Yeah, sure. Why?

No reason. I just wanna stay close to you during this difficult time with Aunt Edie.

Also, if this friend of mine shows up and wants to drag me away, can you protect me?

He's a little bigger than you.

Oh, and he might be drunk.

Not now, Brick.

I'm researching jobs that don't require a college degree since I won't be getting one.

You know, Sue, your typo really isn't that big of a deal.

Did you know in the play "Julius Caesar,"

Shakespeare wrote a line about a clock striking three, even though clocks didn't even exist in Ancient Rome?

Really?

Yeah, and he's the greatest writer of all time.

You know, as long as the spirit of what you wanna say comes through, I don't think colleges will care about one little mistake.

[ Door opens ]

Trust me, Sue. If I've learned anything from Aunt Edie, it's that you can't live your life in fear.

[ Door closes ]

[ Gasps ]

Man over PA: Next stop-- Yankton.

Yankton is the next stop.

[ Sighs ]

I suppose you're here to tell me all the reasons it's not gonna be so bad having Sue go to my college.

Nope. Actually, that's got nothing to do with you.

Uh, my dorky sister at my college?

I think it has everything to do with me.

Sue doesn't have to live her life based on what you want.

So what are you saying?

I'm just supposed to roll over and be happy about this?

I'm saying if Sue gets into East lndiana and she wants to go there, she's going there.

How you feel about it is up to you.

If it makes you feel any better... [ Sighs ] by the time she gets there, you'll be old enough to drink.

Okay, so the funeral home came and got Aunt Edie, so we should get to the hotel and settle in.

It's gonna be a rough day tomorrow.

Hold it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.

We gotta wait for your mom to get off the train.

Can't she walk?

We gotta get outta here.

I'm freezing.

Trust me, this wouldn't be a good day for me not to wait for your mom.

[ Sighs ]

[ Brakes squeal ]

There they are. That's them.

[ Dog panting ]

What the hell?

Thanks so much!

Oh! Oh! I'm here. I'm okay. I'm okay.

So sorry if I worried you guys, but when the train left without me, I couldn't get a signal, and there was nobody at the train station, and the office with the phone in it was locked.

So I just started walking.

I mean, I cried a little bit first, but all I could think was, I am gonna freeze to death out here, and my husband and my kids are trying to call me, and they can't reach me, and they're just gonna hold out hope until some soybean farmer finds my partially thawed corpse in the spring.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Train horn blowing in distance ]

Oh... my... God.

You didn't even notice I was gone, did you?!

What?

We were so worried.

I didn't...

Of course we did.

Aw!

Get your patty hands off me!

[ Door squeaks ]

Whew. [ Exhales deeply ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

This is the Leilani?

[ Vacuum whirring ]

I thought Aunt Edie said it was a slice of paradise.

It's a slice of something.

Maybe it's a good thing Aunt Edie never saw it like this.

Frankie: But the funny thing was the darker it got, the more magical the Leilani became.

[ Slow-tempo Polynesian music playing ]

[ Sighs ] Here.

It's the fruitest, girliest drink I could find.

Oh, thanks.

You owe me $2.50, and by the way, if you do decide you want to go to my school...

[ Inhales deeply ] I'd be okay with it.

[ Gasps ] Really? Oh, that is so nice, Axl.

Yeah, not doing it for you.

It's my final karmic payment.

The way I see it, I gotta be even with Aunt Edie now 'cause... you going to my school is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me.

Come on. I bet if I end up there, we'll definitely have some good times.

Nope, not even one.

Not one?

No.

Not even one?

Not even one--

What's with the book?

Thought you were living life.

Yeah, it's not for me.

I decided there's two types of people in the world-- people who are meant to live their life to the fullest and people who are meant to read about those people.

I'm the latter.

So... you just drive straight up Route 30, and you'll see our sign that says "Bushman Funeral Home."

It's right across from the turkey farm.

Trust me, you'll... smell it.

[ Sighs ] Now should I get there a couple hours early to fill out the paperwork?

Uh, actually, your husband already took care of that.

I spoke to him a few days ago.

[ Papers rustling ]

Oh. Great. Uh, but there's still a bunch of permits and forms I need to fill out 'cause we brought the body across state lines.

Nope. All taken care of.

Your husband filled out everything and faxed it to me from his office in lndiana.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I guess I'll just write you a check, then.

You're all paid in full.

Your husband split it between five credit cards.

You don't have to worry about anything.

All you have to do is show up.

[ Briefcase latches click ]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

♪

[ Exhales ] What's that for?

Everything.

Frankie: You know, Mike may not be a nurturer in the typical sense, but he picks me up in ways I don't even know about.

And that night he picked me up three more times on the way to the room. I picked him up once.

Yeah. We partied hard Aunt Edie-style.

Hey, she lived 'till 96, can't be that bad for you.