03x01 - Back to School

[bunniefuu]

Mike: Hey, babe.

Hey.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing. I'm just...

I'm just right on that late-afternoon fence.

Do I have another cup of coffee or just say, "screw it," and pour my first glass of wine?

Tough one.

Well, which way do you love me more...

A little jittery and chatty or passed out and drooling by 8:30?

I love you both ways.

[Chuckles]

How was work?

Busting our hump.

Seasonal changeover. Boogie boards to snowboards.

Hmm.

Thank God for the year-round appeal of r*fles and amm*nit*on.

So, what do we got going on over here?

Oh, I'm just heating up some spaghettios.

My grandson's here?

[Chuckles] What am I doing talking to you?

Definitely the right call.

Where's my grandson? Hey, Blanca.

Come on. I know you're around here someplace!

Grandpa!

I hear him!

Get over here! Come here, you.

Oh, boy. I haven't seen you in so long.

Mwah, mwah. You've changed so much.

Are you still single?

[Laughs]

We got so much to catch up on.

¡Hhola, abuelito! ¿Cómo estás usted?

Wow. You... you have changed.

You've turned into a handsome little Mexican boy.

Thanks for teaching him some Spanish.

I've been working on it, too.

Mr. Mike, I only speak English with Boyd.

And believe me, his English... not so good.

Boyd is learning Spanish at his new school.

And I will say, with that, they are doing a very good job.

Why are they teaching them Spanish in the 1st grade?

Well, honey, it's a bilingual school.

The teacher says everything in English and then says it again in Spanish.

So you work twice as hard to learn half as much?

Or they are learning twice as much because they're learning another language.

How do they even understand "twice as much"?

There's no time for math.

That's just how they have to do it at Wilson Elementary.

"Woodrow Wilson."

Oh, Woodrow Wilson. He won the first World w*r.

He was a great president.

My citizenship test is coming up.

Mike: Woodrow Wilson was not a great president.

Ronald Reagan was a great president.

In Woodrow Wilson's last term, he was practically brain-dead.

His wife ran the country.

Ohh. Just like Ronald Reagan.

Oh, hey! Hey! Hey!

He took down communism!

He deserved a nap at the end.

Hey.

Hey.

¡Hola, mamá y papá!

Hey, sweetie.

¿Cómo está, mijo?

Muy bien. Gracias.

Well, big surprise.

Look who likes bilingual education... Cliché Guevara.

I love that Boyd is learning Spanish, but I'm a little concerned about the class sizes at Wilson.

No, it's not the quantity of the kids.

It's the quality of the teachers.

Spoken like a poster in a terrible school.

It's not a terrible school, okay?

Yes, our neighborhood has its challenges, but the school has fences and metal detectors.

And there's a tree now.

Alcatraz had a beach. Didn't make it a nice resort.

Did you guys ever consider sending him to a charter school?

No.- If white middle-class families pull their kids out of urban schools, those schools are just gonna get worse.

How cute. You think you're middle-class.

We are very happy with Wilson.

Really?

Maybe I should teach Boyd how to fashion a shiv out of a lunch tray.

Dad. What are... do not put those thoughts in his head.

Come on, buddy. Let's grab your stuff.

[Claps]

I do not want you giving Boyd the idea that he is unsafe around other cultures, okay?

We want to raise him with an open heart.

If he takes that shiv training seriously, the open heart will be the other kid's problem.

Unbelievable.

Ryan! Boyd! We got to go!

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Vanessa: Oh, hey, honey. How was your day?

It was great, Mrs. B.

See you tomorrow, Mandy.

You guys! I'm loving college!

It's like I'm seeing the world for the first time, like a newborn.

Have you noticed? She still has that soft spot on her head.

Oh. You know what? You were such a cute baby.

Mike: Yeah.

And now you're my big college girl.

Oh, don't worry.

There will be plenty of naked photos from both eras.

[Exhales slowly]

Hey, you guys. Check this out.

"Cogito, ergo sum"... I think, therefore I am.

René Descartes.

She was awesome!

We learned about her in philosophy today.

She was French, so I don't really know why she was speaking ltalian.

[Laughs]

Uh...

Oh, boy. Money well spent.

I think René Descartes was a monsieur.

Oh, wow.

A philosopher that gives massages.

Cool. That's a real Renaissance woman.

He was a man!

25 grand so she can figure out whether she exists or not.

Oh. Come on. Philosophy is fun.

You studied it in college.

That's exactly why I'm an expert on how useless it is.

Look, I am just so happy that Mandy is showing any interest at all in school.

So, please, do not discourage her.

I'm not gonna discourage her.

Okay.

She can major in philosophy if she wants.

And... her stripper name could be Socra-Tease.

♪

Okay. 31st president?

Uh, Herbert Hoover.

Wow. That's impressive, Blanca.

Sure. She remembers the one named after a vacuum cleaner.

Mike, come on. That's offensive.

And number 32?

The greatest president of all Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

He led the allies in World w*r II and ended the great depression.

All while chasing the ladies.

He stepped out on Eleanor... well, technically... rolled out.

Wow.

She should have worked harder to keep her man happy.

You know, that I a woman's job, Eve. ¡Vamos!

That's one of the many things I love about the Latino culture.

Well, let's hope Boyd doesn't pick that up at his new school.

You know, we pay taxes for a great elementary school right in our neighborhood.

Why doesn't he go there?

You really think Wilson's that bad, Mike?

Go online. Check it out.

The only thing Wilson tests high in... lead.

He could use our address a... and go to Clark.

Of course he could use our address.

Yeah.

I mean, he does still have a bedroom here.

He could stay here a couple nights a week.

That would... that would be great.

I mean, I... you would like that.

You know what? As long as we're doing this because it's in Boyd's best interests...

Yeah, of course.

And we are not just clingy grandparents trying to hang on.

You think I'm a clingy grandparent?

Well, honey, you know, y... you're still hanging on to this cracked sippy cup.

I mean, Boyd hasn't used it in ages.

I... I don't... I'm not hanging on to it.

Throw it out if you want.

All right. Fine.

Not hanging on to old sippy cups.

It's cracked anyway, right?

Not hanging on to that stupid thing.

Hate to be a clingy grandpa.

Don't want to waste stuff, though.

I could... I could fix that.

Hello, friends. Hola, amigos.

Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Miguel Baxter aquí para El hombre de las montañas.

It's already annoying, isn't it?!

Imagine seven straight hours of that, and you'll get an idea of what it's like in some public schools right here in the good old U.S.A.

Please no cards and letters.

Don't get me wrong. I am all for immigration.

It's what made this country great.

Immigration and... assimilation.

But the melting pot won't work if the government makes it easy not to melt.

Let me stir the pot a little.

Ahh, right there.

That's a little German sausage.

Jawohl!

Got ltalian cheeses.

"Grazie!" "Prego!" [Chuckles]

Swedish meatballs... and okra from West Africa.

Yum, yum. They've all blended nicely.

But you know what this tasty gumbo could use, is [Sniffs] cilantro.

Hmm.

Unfortunately, with the help of bilingualism, the cilantro is all clumping together right over there.

That's no bueno for the gumbo, no bueno for the cilantro, and no bueno for our country.

So let's stop making it harder for new cultures to mix into our American stew.

Mmm! [Slurps]

It tastes like freedom.

God, it's hot.

What do you think?

Take a break, guys.

I'm with you, Mike.

I think the government should keep its nose out of our soups.

You're missing the point, man. This is...

You're the perfect example.

Yep.

You immigrated here from Spain, made a big business.

Mm-hmm.

You are what makes this country great.

Oh, come on, Mike.

You know assimilation takes time... a generation or two.

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

I mean, germane fresh off the boat still spoke German in the home.

Yeah, but I think the germane somewhere in their minds thought one day we'd, uh, all be "speaking German."

I think it's better for the melting pot when immigrants preserve elements of their culture.

I got it. W... when your folks got here from Spain, what elements of their culture did they preserve?

Their hatred of the Portuguese.

Come on, people. Look sharp here.

Who left the backpack here? We do b...

Ha! Gotcha, Mike! Whoa.

Hey, hey!

Hey, man!

Hi, Mike. You doing all right, man?

I'm doing good, yeah. What, the homeless shelter shut down?

Now, look, if you was a 10-point buck, we'd be field dressing you right now.

Uh, actually, I've hunted with you guys before.

You'd have to get a lot closer than this to a deer to k*ll it.

Ha! Maybe.

'Cause deer are smart and they move fast.

You? I'd have you on the hood of my truck, son.

So, uh, deer season.

I guess you guys are ready for that?

Let's go. We want to get geared up.

All right. Kyle!

You remember these boys.

Yeah!

How could I forget our two best customers?

And who could forget...

Kyle?

You know, I just said his name three seconds ago.

I haven't seen you guys since you took me hunting for jackass-alope.

I can't believe we didn't even see one.

Oh, we saw one.

Anyways, I want you to outfit these guys, get 'em all ready for that man-vs.-nature battle.

Now, look here. We don't want nature to have a chance.

Right. Right.

I see you guys already got your sweet hunting camo.

Hunting camo? This is my Sunday best.

Yeah, we just came from church.

Oh.

[Laughs] We're just joking with you.

eYeah.

You still dating Baxter's daughter?

Sure am. Mandy's in college now.

She's been telling me about philosophy.

It's really opened my mind.

Then all the butterflies flew out.

My philosophy is, "hey, if it ain't broke, hey, you got hosed buying the warranty."

All right, look, I'm gonna need some thermals, 'cause we're gonna be in the woods for a week, and I ain't spooning with this cat.

When you're up there, just remember... when you're looking into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

Yep. I'm looking into an abyss right now.

Right between your ears.

You just quoted Nietzsche?

No. Mandy.

Hey, Baxter, can we get somebody besides ladybeard here to help us?

Hey, babe.

Hey.

Did you get Boyd to school on time?

Yep. We were early. He even got a desk.

Oh, nice hustle, honey. Mm.

So, uh, my dad's coming over.

Here?

Yeah.

Well, what do you think he wants?

I imagine that will come up when he gets here.

Well, how do I look?!

Adorable, but [Chuckles] why do you care?

It's the first time him visiting since we moved in.

It's a little weird, him just showing up.

You know, I... I mean, what's his game? What's his angle?

F... friendliness?

Oh, no. You're right. What is his angle?

Okay, well, whatever he throws at us, we need to maintain a united front.

Okay. I'll be right behind you.

[Doorbell rings] Great.

That means he'll k*ll me first.

Hey!

Kristin: Hey.

A little housewarming gift.

[Chuckles] Hey.

Hey. Thanks, dad.

Felt a little weird carrying a bottle of wine in this neighborhood without being sprawled on the sidewalk.

Welcome, Mike. Mi casa es su casa.

Great.

Anyhow, listen.

Speaking of su casa, uh, your mom and I would like to offer you our casa... or at least the address... in case you want to send Boyd to the elementary school in our neighborhood.

[Sighs]

You mean lie to the school district?

[Scoffs] Well, it's not exactly the Lufthansa heist.

People do this all the time.

And besides, I think... your mom might like to have Boyd a couple nights a week.

Oh, it would make mom happy, huh?

She'd love it. She really would.

Yeah, okay, dad, Ryan and I like Boyd going to Wilson because it's multicultural.

[Scoffs] It's only multicultural now because Boyd is going there.

This is not up for debate.

Ryan and I are completely together on this.

I'm not gonna debate. L... listen. Listen. I just...

We want to be a part of the solution at Wilson, not a part of the problem, right, Ryan?

Wait. We could... we could do that?

We could use your address?

Yeah.

But we don't want to because we're happy with our school.

Well, we kind of had to be happy because that was our only option, Kris.

Should we have gone over the definition of "united front"?

Honey, face it.

Wilson is overcrowded, and the faculty is overwhelmed.

I mean, at my first P.T.A. meeting, I was the only "P."

So you were all alone with just "T" and "A"?

Come on. Let's be real.

H... he should be able to go to a school where he can have a desk every day and 6th graders don't steal your lunch money.

Boyd was robbed?

No. Me.

But these girls were really aggressive.

But, Ryan, what ever happened to "it takes a village"?

It does take a village.

I just think that when it comes to our son, I'd prefer to be in your dad's village.

We really have a great village, although you got to look pretty hard to find a good bum fight.

Oh, oh, so people in other villages aren't as good as the people in your village?

They just don't build as good of schools.

See?

This is why I moved Boyd out of your house, so that he wouldn't have to grow up listening to toxic ideas like that one.

Well, it's your call.

I was just looking out for Boyd.

No, no, no.

You were just looking out for yourself, dad.

Okay, this isn't about Clark and Wilson.

This is about you wanting Boyd around your house more.

Tucked that kid in for five years.

Maybe I'm having a tough time letting that go.

[Scoffs] I can't believe you just ganged up on me in front of my dad like that!

Aw, come Kris.

You would jump at the idea of switching schools if it came from anybody but your father.

That is not true!

No, that is true.

We both know that Clark is a better school, and you're just disagreeing with your dad just to disagree with him.

I mean, he says, "up," and you say, "down."

You go against him just to drive him crazy even when he's right.

Wait.

That's not the reason you're with me, is it?

I kicked a hornet's nest by just suggesting that Boyd attend another elementary school.

Well, if there's one thing that mothers have a high tolerance for, it's unwanted tips about their parenting.

She called my involvement toxic.

Well, of course it is.

You've been a terrible father... food, shelter, ballet lessons.

I'm gonna call the cops on you.

Hey, boys. Welcome back. You are my best customers.

Well, this time, we are gonna get a deer.

Okay, if you scatter sh*ts actually bag a buck, I will cook you my world-famous chicken-fried venison.

It's only world-famous 'cause you won't shut up about it.

Hey. What's with ladybeard over here?

What's his problem?

Been in that boat a couple hours.

My daughter broke his brain.

Well, in all fairness, I think it come from the factory a little wonky.

I think we can talk to him.

We're pretty good at coaxing nervous critters out of their dens.

And then we sh**t 'em.

Let's skip that step.

Mike, I can't promise the instinct won't kick in.

Kyle, what are you doing?

Exactly. What are any of us doing?

I just keep thinking about all this philosophy stuff.

Life is meaningless and an empty void of despair.

This kid is a major bummer.

Kyle... Kyle, come on. You're only 22.

Things are gonna get a lot worse.

Kyle, look, before Baxter's daughter shorted all your wires out, what gave your life meaning?

I don't know. I... I guess I always found meaning in what I learned at Sunday school.

That's it.

Like Mark 12:31...

"Love your neighbor as yourself."

Yeah, that's a good one.

That Mark had better neighbors than me.

I'm your neighbor.

Hey, you're making my point.

Stick with the big man upstairs, you'll never have another day of your life at won't have purpose.

Yeah.

Jesus is pretty awesome.

Oh, yeah.

You take a cue from the greatest philosopher that ever walked the earth.

My apologies to... Newt Gingrich.

Thanks, guys.

I'm back, Mr. B.

Good. Because you owe me two hours.

You got it.

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:13.

That's right. You go weird on me again, you're fired!

Mike Baxter, 12:25.

Ooh.

Oh.

Hi, dad. Uh, I still have my key.

Should I have rung the doorbell? Just seems kind of weird.

Kris, this is always gonna be your house, all right?

Even though I've got a foosball table where your bed used to be.

So, dad, uh, Ryan and I talked, and we signed Boyd up for Clark today.

So... you won.

Boyd's the winner here.

And so am I.

Dad, about this morning, I should never have called you toxic.

Because it's not true?

I just shouldn't have said it.

Yes, you have your things you feel strongly about that I think are insane.

You know, funny. This started off sounding like it was gonna be an apology.

And sometimes you say things in front of Boyd that... that make my skin crawl.

Boy, still not the apology words.

But you can also be amazingly great.

That's all part of the package of Mike Baxter, a package I definitely want in Boyd's life.

So...

I'm sorry.

There it is.

And don't worry about calling me toxic.

Your mom calls me toxic all the time.

Of course, we share a bathroom.

Hey, honey.

Oh, hey. Ooh, I almost forgot.

I got something for you guys.

What? What? What?

It is a gift certificate to Toy World.

[Gasps, chuckles]

Uh, wow. I've been meaning to sneak into that place.

I... [Laughs]

Oh! No! Not that Toy World!

Mom!

I... I thought that you guys could go with Boyd to pick something out...

Oh.

Since he's gonna be spending more time here before and after school.

Oh, yay! Oh, good! Good!

Good!

He loves "Go, Diego, go!"

Of course he does.

Now that Diego's here... he's not going anywhere.

Hi, Blanca.

Welcome home, Mr. Mike. I have your favorite... a frosted mug and spiced nuts on the tray.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

You know, when an American woman serves your nuts on a tray, it means something totally different.

Ha! But, Mr. Mike, an American woman did serve nuts to you.

No way!

Mm-hmm!

Oh, congratulations!

Oh, thank you!

Ohh!

Wow! That is such good news!

Well, it's good to be here I mean, to really be here.

Now you're part of the club!

Mm-hmm.

Confidentially...

Hmm?

At the Alamo, we weren't really trying.

Shake a leg there, Baxter. We're hungry.

Yeah, dad. This chicken-fried buck d*ed a hero.

Let's eat him while he's still warm.

Wow. That actually smells really good.

Just pretend it doesn't have a face.

You're on a roll abandoning your principles.

Any comfort to you... he didn't have a face long.

All right. Listen up. Um, before we get started, I just want to say whether you've been in America for hundreds of years like your families or an American for just two days, I feel blessed to be sharing this country with all of you.

Want to do the honors?

Sure.

Let us pray.

Lord, our God is one God.

We pray that we love you with all our hearts, soul, mind, and strength.

We pray that we love our neighbor as ourself, and there's no greater commandment than this.

Amen.

All: Amen.

All right.

Vanessa: Okay. Oh, my. Okay. Dig in.