03x05 - Haunted House

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys.

Mandy: Hi.

Hi, honey.

What's that smell?

Takeout from emperor's garden.

We're getting our won ton on.

Sorry, honey. I didn't have time to cook.

Hey.

All right.

Another American job outsourced to the Chinese.

So, what's all this mess?

Uh, the PTA Halloween fundraiser.

I thought we were done with that PTA stuff.

Isn't that the upside of being grandparents?

You don't have to deal with all the school crap?

You mean improving the educational environment for my child?

Yeah. School crap.

No, honey, Kristin and I got suckered into running the Haunted House because nobody else volunteered.

Suckered into it?

Your hand sh*t up as soon as it was m...

Well...no... you might have even yelled "dibs."

Okay.

Let me explain something.

If your mom wasn't the type to volunteer for unpleasant jobs, none of you would exist.

Kristin, listen, this move is gonna be great for your PTA career.

Can't I just sit back and mock people who say things like "your PTA career"?

No... I...

You nail the fall fundraiser, you're a hero.

You can just coast until the easter-egg hunt.

[ Groans ] Easter eggs are disgusting.

I would never eat anything that came out of a rabbit.

Oh, look at these, uh... look at these pumpkin lights, mom?

Those are cute. Yeah?

Oh, yay, yeah.

Those would be great if our theme was "lame."

How come the Haunted House has to be scary?

Because otherwise it's just a house and we'd be realtors.

Come on. The goal is to scare the heck out of kids.

I thought the goal was to raise money.

Yeah, by scaring the heck out of kids.

You know, when I was PTA president, my Haunted Houses always made money.

Last year, Helen Potts and her geniuses barely broke even.

You know what their theme was?

Happy, happy mermaids.

I'm just concerned 'cause little kids Boyd's age are so sensitive, you know?

Boo!

Ohh!

Classic!

Getting people to stain their skivvies... that's what Halloween is all about.

That is the reason for the season.

Yeah, see, Kristin? Getting scared is fun. I love it.

Boo!

You got to work on the timing.

[ Doorbell rings ]

All right, now go see if you can scare your aunt Mandy.

And remember everything I said, okay?

Awesome! Aunt Mandy, I'm not coming upstairs!

It's a... it's a timing thing.

Hey, fellas.

Hey, Mike. Hey, Mr. b.

Come on in.

I got my coffin in the back of Kyle's Van.

So, I was right about that weird-looking mole.

Vanessa wanted to look in my coffin for her Haunted House.

Vanessa, your coffin is here.

Vanessa: Great. Yeah. Just a minute.

Why do you have a coffin?

Oh. Mr. Alzate got it at costco.

They have everything.

Well, you see, Kyle and I were shopping for our camping trip, and I-I bought the jumbo-sized bacon, and it got me thinking about mortality.

Why would you cut back on bacon when coffins are so cheap?

Oh, and it's... it's a beauty, too...

20-gauge steel construction, gold swing-bar handles, and a white, crepe interior.

The sausalito.

All right. Let me get a look at this pine box. Yeah.

Hey, Ed, thanks.

Oh, hi.

Ooh. Hey, honey.

Hey, dad.

Mr. Alzate, it's good to see you.

Hey, kiddo.

Sweet coffin outside. Who d*ed?

[ Chuckles ]

Ed if he doesn't have that mole looked at.

"S.P." What's that? Shore patrol?

School safety police.

Yeah, I get to bust heads and take names.

I also get called names.

Now you're a narc, huh?

Well, I'd love to get a narco bust.

But so far, my collars have been tardies, talking in a library, and a lot of dsos.

Disrespecting safety officers.

Ooh.

Those kids will need a home loan one day and that dso... come back to haunt them.

Keep on joking, dad, but when your math book goes missing, ask a hippie to find it.

Now, ed, that coffin is great, but, uh, you know what?

Did you notice there's a scratch on it?

Yeah, I know. I know. It's a return.

You should have seen the scratch marks on the inside.

Mike, I, uh... [ Clears throat ]

I really admire Eve's moxie with this junior ROTC Thing.

Right.

But there's nothing teenagers hate worse than a snitch.

Don't want their dads giving them a kiss at drop-off either.

I was... I was an MP In Vietnam, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, and the troops despised us, more than the VC, more than hanoi Jane, more than that idiot disc jockey.

There were no good mornings in Vietnam.

But other than that, the w*r was fun, right?

You know, Kristin, you're...you're so busy with work and Boyd, why don't you let me deal with all the boring details.

So, I let you do everything your way and just keep my mouth shut.

That would be so helpful.

Boo!

[ Gasps ]

[ Laughs ]

Yep, yep. You're right, mom.

Getting scared is fun.

Mandy: Hey.

Hey.

Welcome to tonight's pre-Halloween dress rehearsal.

I hear mom's makeup looks great.

What do you mean you hear it's great?

Aren't you in charge of this thing?

No, the only thing she let me be in charge of was hanging up the posters.

And even then, I used the wrong tape.

Well, I just need to get back in time to stop those jerks who always TP our house on mischief night.

What's mischief night?

Tonight. The... the night before Halloween.

Kids go around vandalizing stuff.

[ Laughing ] Oh. You mean cabbage night.

What? That's what we call it up in winnipeg?

What do you call the night when everyone eats cabbage?

Ah, Canada.

They are building that wall on the wrong border.

Yeah, we feel the same way.

We're just too polite to say it.

Come on, Boyd. Let's ditch these hosers, eh?

Hey, ma! Come on!

Let's get this show on the road. I got a party to get to.

Oh, yeah? What's your costume this year?

Yeah. Slutty nurse, slutty cop, slutty narwhal?

Yeah. Actually, I'm... I'm not wearing a costume.

Oh, so slutty... college student?

Uh, babe, one of your posters fell down again.

Fine, okay? I admit it. She was right about the tape.

Hey, Eve, you know, um, it's not really cool making women feel bad about their modes of sexual expression.

We were talking about it in sociology class.

It's called slut-shaming.

And you were there as a visual aid?

Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, my God, you're so funny.

Okay, well, you might as well know you don't really have anything to worry about guarding the house tonight.

I'm not worried.

It's those jerks with the toilet paper who need to watch their backs.

Yeah. You don't get it.

See, the only reason why we got TP'D was because I was still in high school.

But I thought you were so popular.

I was.

See, at woodbridge, getting TP'D is a sign that the cool kids really like you, so...

Oh, I'd like to see what they do if they don't like you.

Oh, you will. You'll just get ignored.

Mike: This one here?

Kristin: Yeah, right there.

Grandpa, are you excited?

Oh, I am thrilled, Boyd.

If it weren't for coming here, I'd be at home, watching the world series, drinking a beer.

This is gonna be real scary, huh?

It doesn't look scary!

It looks awesome!

Well, don't get your hopes up.

Last year, the place was swimming with mermaids.

[ Air hisses ]

[ Laughs evilly ]

Welcome to the Clark elementary Haunted House!

Enter if you dare!

Look at that... an old hag.

Honey, I'm a witch. I'm just a witch.

Don't lag behind!

We've already lost a few children to angry spirits!

Uh, I think I'm just gonna go home.

Are you scared, Eve?

Yeah. That's it. I'm scared.

Come along. Come along.

Or I'll use your bones to make a stew!

[ Laughs evilly ]

What's going on?

Oh, she said something about wanting to guard the house from cabbage night.

Your mom's making cabbage tonight?

Talk about a house of horrors later.

You guys are gonna hate me.

[ Air whooshes ]

Cool!

Yeah, count Dracula!

[ Creaking ]

[ Screams ]

Vampires are so three years ago.

Beware the dinner of the damned!

[ Growling ]

Beware the grabbing ghoul!

Honey, are you all right?

Beware the giant spider!

[ Screaming ]

Kristen: Boyd, Boyd? Boyd, Boyd.

Boyd? Boyd, Boyd, Boyd.

[ Indistinct shouting, screaming ]

Oh, man!

Boyd? Boyd, Boyd, Boyd?

Hey!

[ Sighs ]

I said "beware."

[ Laughs ] If you could get Ryan to do that every time, this place would make a fortune.

Honey! No, no, no.

All right, I put Boyd to bed, but I'm already late for work.

C-can't you just stay with him?

I can't. I got the strike meeting.

Look, don't worry. Boyd is gonna be fine.

If he's anything like me, he's gonna stop crying in an hour and just be scared of spiders for the rest of his life.

I got to go.

Love you.

Love you, too.

All right. There.

His, uh, pants are clean and dry.

God. Has he ever wet himself like that before?

Every time he's seen a spider twice his size.

So, no, never.

I know. I am so sorry.

You know, I-I think you should run the Haunted House.

Where did Ryan just go?

Strike meeting.

Boy, on cabbage night? Is nothing sacred?

You know, clearly, today was all my fault.

Honey, I-I just made that Haunted House too scary for little kids.

The Haunted House wasn't too scary, and this is not your fault.

Whose fault is it then? What... Me?!

All I did was put up posters with the wrong tape, okay?

How is this my fault?

You don't deal with that kid being afraid of anything.

He can't sleep at night, so you leave the light on.

He won't go to bed, so you let him sleep with you guys.

You take him to a petting zoo, and you shoo away the goats.

You know about the goat trauma.

Oh, yeah.

Tries to milk a male goat? I'm with the male goat on this.

You got to teach that kid to deal with uncomfortable things.

Otherwise, he'll be sitting on that couch, he'll learn that Hillary's running for president, he's gonna wet the couch.

I don't think that's gonna happen, honey.

Oh, trust me, she's running.

I'm sorry, dad, okay, but I am not taking Boyd to school tomorrow.

I don't want him going through that Haunted House again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He runs into stuff that's unpleasant, you rob him of the chance to overcome it.

All right, I have to, okay?

What if he chickens out in front of his friends o-or, even worse, pees his pants again?

Hey, hey. What if we put him in a costume that's really absorbent?

Wasn't...wasn't he spongebob a few years ago?

Here's an idea... let's put him back in there, he can face that spider, and maybe come out there feeling like a little hero.

Yeah. That... that would be great.

But...but what if it doesn't work?

You remember when you were his age?

You didn't want to take swim lessons.

You were afraid to go off the diving board, and I wouldn't let you stop the swim lessons.

Remember why?

Yeah, 'cause you already paid that guy 40 bucks.

I didn't want you to quit.

Yeah, I remember.

You...you climbed up there, wrapped your arms around me, and we jumped off the board together.

We pretty much invented synchronized diving, you and I.

But if you hadn't done it and faced your fear, you would have never become the good diver you became.

Okay, dad, if you can get Boyd to face his fear, then we'll go to the Haunted House tomorrow, okay?

Good night. Mwah.

Good night.

Let's, uh, try not to traumatize him any more than necessary.

Well, w-which one of us was that directed at?

Exactly.

You.

You.

It's you. You with the big spider.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for outdoor man, where the knives, machetes, and axes are all real.

But don't be afraid 'cause during this Halloween Holiday, they're also 20% off.

You know, fear... interesting thing.

Fdr said, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Of course, that big old socialist might have added "you should also fear the massive government programs I'll saddle this country with forever!"

[ Chuckles ]

Frank Herbert's book "Dune" had a great Sci-Fi hero, Paul Muad'dib.

He said, "fear is the mind k*ller.

Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration."

If you get really terrified, of course, you obliterate your long Johns... also on sale here at outdoor man.

But I think mark twain said it best.

"Real courage is the mastery of fear, not the absence of fear."

Our first responders and firemen aren't brave because they don't feel fear.

Of course they do.

They're brave because they run into burning buildings anyway.

That's the kind of courage we should be striving for for all of us.

And no matter what you're afraid of, I promise you we carry something at outdoor man that will k*ll it.

[Knock on door] Hey, Boyd, I really want you to try to sleep without the light on, all right?

I'm still thinking about that scary spider.

It's kind of silly.

In these walls alone, there's thousands of spiders far more dangerous than that one.

That's probably not very helpful, is it?

None of that stuff was real in there, kid.

You know that, don't you?

I dressed you up like Frankenstein... you're not a monster 'cause real monsters are ticklish.

And you're not ticklish. [ Laughing ]

Listen, everything you saw in that house was fake.

So nobody ever had an a* in his head?

Well, given all the axes in the world and all the heads, odds are someone has an a* in their head.

But I got a catalog that we get at the house, and look what I found... a jumping spider, $79.99.

It's made out of plastic.

$79.99?

Your grandma paid 80 bucks for that thing?

I'm gonna pee in my pants.

It's just filled with all the stuff you saw in there.

"Crawling monster hand... buy one, get one free."

Yeah, crawling monster hand... that's what the girls used to call me in high school.

There's nothing in here for you to be scared of, and there's nothing in there to be scared of.

Would you think about going in that Haunted House again?

I don't know.

What if I went with you?

And I will go with you.

I'll hold your hand, you and I together.

Okay.

Okay.

It takes a brave man to face his fears.

It really does.

And you're a brave man, Boyd Baxter.

All right.

Just you sleep tight. I'm gonna shut the lights off.

And as my grandma says, "sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs bite."

Bedbugs?

Sports!

Hey, who's out there?!

Because you're just in time for batting practice.

Eve, it's me, Mandy.

What's our home phone number?

Star-4.

[ Sighs ] It is you.

Okay, why are you TP'ing your own house?

Did you forget where you live again?

No.

No, these, um...these, like, big football players came by, and I scared them off, so I had to take the stuff away from them.

Nice try, Mandy, but if the football team was here, you would have invited them into the bushes with you.

All right, you know what?

I was actually out here because I felt bad for being mean to you earlier, but I don't anymore, because you deserve it.

Wait.

So, you're saying you've been out in the cold trying to make it look like we got TP'D because you want to protect my feelings?

Yeah, but it was a stupid idea, thinking that you had feelings.

Thank you.

What?

I said, "thank you."

That was a nice thing you couldn't quite do.

T.P.'ing is not as easy as it looks.

You're not as easy as you look, Mandy, despite all my k*ller slams on the topic.

Sometimes I say that stuff because...

It just bugs me how popular you are.

Hey, you could be popular, too, if you just changed every single thing that you do in high school.

Well, I'm pretty popular with my crowd.

Mm. The unpopular kids.

[ Smacks lips ] Yep. That's my posse.

Hey, who needs cool kids when you have an awesome big sister willing to TP her own yard for you, hmm?

I love you.

I love you, too.

Vanessa: Hey, Mike?

Hmm?

You need to go to the store.

I don't think we have enough candy for the trick-or-treaters tonight.

Oh, there's plenty.

You just got to use an old trick my dad taught me.

You put one in, right?

Uh-huh.

And while they're not looking, you take two out.

Oh, stop. That's terrible!

Aren't you supposed to be on your broomstick about now?

[ Sighs ] No, no.

Uh, Kristin's gonna run the Haunted House tonight.

No, I meant your real broomstick.

This place is looking like a pigsty.

Oh, cut it out, cut it out!

I'm just trying to cheer you up.

Yeah, and you stink at it. Y-you know what?

I feel bad enough about the Haunted House.

I really... I don't want to go.

Honey, you did all the work.

Yeah, and I screwed it all up.

I got all caught up trying to relive my PTA Glory days.

[ Chuckles ]

A geology career just wasn't as fulfilling as you thought.

You trying to cheer me up again?

I never understood why you did all that PTA work anyway.

Honey, you know what?

It's just... it's such a rush doing something with the kids and... and having it turn out really well.

You should go.

No. You know what? It's... it's not mine anymore.

It's Kristin's PTA, and then it should be her Haunted House.

It's probably full of boring pumpkin lights and mermaids, but...

But you do this to support the people you love. You should go.

Well, want to come and support me?

Boy, I painted myself into that corner.

Did you guys see the yard?

What?

We got hit on mischief night.

What? No.

Yeah. Come here.

Oh, for crap's sake.

Oh! It's a winter wonderland!

I know! It's a mess!

Wouldn't it be cool if the Google car drove by now?

Mandy: Where did all this come from?

It's from my junior ROTC Platoon.

And they left their calling card.

I can't get too mad.

They bought these at outdoor man.

Honey, somebody took those pants off in your daughter's front yard.

All right, I'm mad.

Hey, Mandy, this is way more toilet paper than you got last year.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take it down a notch.

Act like you've been there before.

All right. You know what, Mike?

This is a big job. We'd better get started.

Just let her enjoy it a little bit.

And then we'll make her clean it up all by herself.

[ Laughs ]

Sweetie, you look amazing! Wow!

Oh, please. I am half the hag you are.

Now, come on. Don't fight, girls.

You're both tremendous hags.

Hold on. Boyd, Boyd, Boyd!

So, um, did you change a lot?

You probably got rid of the big spider, right?

No, mom. It's still your Haunted House.

The kids all love it exactly the way it is.

Aww. The Baxter PTA Legacy is secure.

Well, you know, who cares about the Baxter Legacy?

I mean, it... it's really all for the...Kids.

I guess it's time for Boyd to face his fears.

All right, Frank, you ready?

Just like we talked about. Ready?

No, grandpa. I don't want to.

Yes, we're going.

No, stop, stop.

Listen, I told you, it's all phony stuff. It's fake.

We've looked at the catalog, remember?

I know.

That's why... I want to go in alone.

Yeah? Really? Are you sure?

He's going in. You're going in by yourself.

We're right out here.

Kristin: Good luck, sweetie.

Dismembered lumberjack... $64.99!

Drop-down Spooky Ghost $49.99.

$50 for a freaking ghost?!

You've got to be kidding me!

I-I heard you guys got hit pretty bad for cabbage night, huh?

We were slawed.

Why was Eve happy about being TP'D?

You wouldn't understand, dad, okay?

You were never a teenage girl.

You don't know everything about me.

The '70s were a time of experimentation.

[ Laughing ] Okay.

Uh, that...that cowboy went in with Boyd and he's already out.

I-I wonder if Boyd's okay.

You don't think he got stuck again staring at that stupid spider?

No, no. No, he's Frankenstein.

He's probably being chased around by the villagers with torches, you know?

[ Stammers ] Oh, stay there. I'm on it.

Boyd...hey, Boyd.

Boyd!

Come on, Boyd. It's grandpa. It's okay.

Boyd, come on out.

Boo!

[ Whimpers ]

It's fun to be scared. Isn't it, grandpa?

Is it? Is it really fun?

Was my arm numb when we walked in here?

Whoa.

Hey, you see there?

That spider is not that scary.

And not worth 80 bucks.