03x16 - Stud Muffin

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe you left that guy my number.

You weren't going to.

Because he drives a minivan with a dent in it.

You were the one who dented it.

Wait. W-w-wait. Hold it.

Mandy, you dented a car?

A parked car.

In her defense, she was swerving to avoid a tree.

And you weren't gonna leave a note?

Oh, what was I supposed to say?

"Uh, sorry that I hit your car. Uh, here's my number."

Yes.

Yes.

Okay, if I had to stop and leave notes on everything that I've banged into, I would never get anywhere.

Come on, Mandy. You know better than that.

W-what's your dad always going on and on about?

Mm, Obama, Benghazi, "When are the Yekekians going to take down their Christmas lights?"

Personal responsibility.

Oh, right.

I think that part kind of gets lost in all the crazy.

Hey, hey. Hi.

What the heck happened to your car?

[chuckles] You should see the other guy. [door closes]

That's not a boast you should make to the guy paying for your insurance.

She bumped a parked car. But don't worry.

I did the right thing, and I left a note.

I left a note.

Why are you leaving the note?

Hey, what's the deal with the Yekekians and their Christmas lights, though?

[chuckling] Am I right?

Yeah, I was telling her, honey, owning up to your mistakes is its own reward.

It's called integrity.

It's something Obama doesn't have with that Benghazi thing. Okay.

But still... You know... you know what?

When are the Yekekians gonna take those stupid Christmas lights down?

I don't know.

Why is Eve writing notes for her?

Uh, Mandy wouldn't do it. I'm so disappointed in her.

Well, at least the good one knows right from wrong.

Oh. All our girls are equally good.

Oh, yeah. Keep b*ating that drum.

[doorbell rings]

[sighs]

Baxter.

Hey.

Hey, what are you bringing this mangy critter over here for?

Lady's a purebred German shepherd.

I was talking to Lady.

Vanessa: Oh. Come on.

Seriously, Mike. Come on in, Chuck.

[sighs] Okay.

Well, we can't stay long because...

[sighs] ...I don't want to.

Listen, I went to the breeders today, and a funny thing... it turns out Lady is already pregnant.

Now, how do you think that happened, Baxter?

Well, when, uh... When two dogs really love each other... And they have enough tequila...

[sighs] I never leave her around male dogs.

Then, I remember when Eve volunteered to watch Lady for the weekend.

Yeah.

There is one dog she might have had contact with.

Oh. [chuckling] Oh.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Muffin is less a dog than a throw pillow.

Oh.

[chuckling] And, number two, Muffin is a girl.

Uh, honey, you're... you're kidding, right?

Muffin's a male.

S-s-since when?

Well... you never checked your dog's undercarriage, Baxter?

We don't have that kind of relationship.

Come here. Come here. Come here just for a second.

Let me see you. [sighs]

It's mostly fluff down there.

Kind of like an early Penthouse Magazine.

Yeah, well, look close.

They're a lot tinier on the white ones.

I'll be damned.

Oh. Well, kind of makes me a little uncomfortable with all the naps we've taken together.

I feel weird that you feel weird about that.

How is that dog not fixed, Baxter?

Has Sarah McLachlan taught you people nothing?

Wait... the... hold... let's get this straight.

You brought a dog in heat into a home with a well-known player.

Give me five.

I only allow Lady to breed with other purebred German shepherds.

Well, maybe you should teach Lady how to say, "Nein!"

I get like $500 or $600 apiece for Lady's pups.

Sweet. What's our cut of that?

Nobody is gonna want whatever weird monster babies come out of her now!

Half German shepherd, half... dust bunny!

W-what are you planning on doing about this, Baxter?

Are you absolutely sure she hasn't been with any other dogs?

What are you suggesting?

That Lady... is a tramp.

Walk around the neighborhood in a fur coat with no pants...

What did you expect was gonna happen?

What do you want, Baxter, a paternity test?

That's a good idea.

Maybe later on, Muffin and I stop by your house and drop a DNA sample on your front lawn.

I'm just having trouble picturing how this was possible between Muffin and Lady.

Well, Muffin's a resourceful little guy, you know?

Maybe he got up on the picnic table.

Which I will no longer be eating off of.

And maybe they, uh, did it "people style." you know what, honey?

We got to make this right with the Larabees.

Carol is my closest friend in the neighborhood.

This is on Lady for not being careful.

Because, when it comes to birth control, the female bears total responsibility.

Well, if she doesn't want to bear puppies, she does.

Oh, my God. Bear puppies are so cute.

[laughs]

Muffin is gonna make such a great dad. Aren't you?

"Hey! You kids knock it off back there, "or I'm gonna turn this car right around!

Stop!"

Uh, so, what's gonna happen with the puppies?

Uh, what puppies?

Oh, uh, Muffin knocked up the Larabees' German shepherd.

[sighs] And, look, didn't skip town.

Boyd, it's time for dinner, sweetie.

So, Muffin impregnated a dog four times his size?

Tom Cruise knocked up Katie Holmes.

Anything is possible. [chuckles]

I didn't even know Muffin was a male.

See? He fools everybody with that squat-and-pee thing.

Well... First thing's first... we really should get him neutered.

Take his nuts off? Oh, honey.

After what those little nuggets accomplished?

Hey. Nobody answered me. What's gonna happen with the puppies?

Well [sighs] the Larabees will probably try to find them good homes.

Which will be tricky 'cause nobody really wants a Maltese shepherd.

A Germ-tese.

Mal... Mall-turd? [chuckles]

Okay, so, if they can't find homes...

Well, if they can't find homes, then they'll end up at the pound, and they'll probably be just destr...

H-hey. hi. hey.

Uh, did, uh... maybe you should wash your hands, honey.

Yeah.

I already washed them.

Did those fingers end up in your nose since then?

Only these two.

Aah.

Go, go, go. Wash them again. Let's go.

[sighs]

There's very little chance those puppies will end up in the pound.

Oh. That's a relief.

He's just gonna terminate the pregnancy.

Oh, Dad, what?

Oh, Mike. Come on.

Well, that's what happens... they'll get rid of the babies so she can go through another breeding cycle.

That's just what happens, guys.

Well, we can't let him do that.

Dad, we have to save them.

Don't we have any rights? Muffin is the father.

Wait a minute, are you saying someone other than the mother has rights during the pregnancy?

"One of my puppies could grow up to cure cancer!"

I am just saying that you and Chuck should work something out.

No, no. No, no.

This is a choice between Lady and her physician.

Maybe she's not ready to have children.

Maybe this is an inconvenient time.

Maybe she wants to go back to obedience school, you know?

Whatever.

The father has no rights when it comes to pregnancy.

Yeah, but he has plenty to say before the pregnancy.

By using birth control or self-control... two things guys kind of stink at.

Amen.

It sounds like someone's trying to ditch out on their responsibilities, Mike.

I didn't get the dog pregnant.

I didn't even know Muffin had the equipment.

All right. Let's pray. We eat.

[cellphone rings] Sorry.

Please, put the phones down.

[inhale sharply] Oh, no. It's an unknown number.

Oh, I bet it's that car you bumped.

Mandy, answer it. You can't run away from it.

Hi. This is Mandy Baxter.

Hey, hey, hey.

See if he wants a monster puppy as payment.

Stop.

[doorbell rings]

Oh. Hey, Carol. Is Chuck around?

Sorry, Mike. He's not here.

Oh, okay, would you tell him that Vanessa and I figured it probably was Muffin that got his freak on with Lady?

Oh, well, Lady is a big girl, and by that I mean she probably didn't notice.

Um, well, w-whatever the costs, w-we'll share them with you.

Okay.

'Cause it's... you know, it's It's the right thing to do.

Fine.

You're welcome.

I didn't say "Thank you."

I know you didn't, but... you're welcome.

Listen. [chuckles]

I'll tell Chuck. I promise.

But I'm not quite sure when I'm gonna see him again.

Ah, don't worry. I'm sure he'll come back.

Don't let the statistics scare you.

[chuckles]

That's... that's a kind of joke Chuck enjoys.

Mm. He really doesn't.

But he's not here. He moved out.

Out?

Out... almost a week ago.

I'm sorry to hear that. I really am.

So, um, if you don't mind me asking, where... where did he move to?

He's staying temporarily over at the Pinewood, those furnished apartments you can rent by the week.

Ri... [laughs]

It's funny 'cause a lot of guys rent those by the by the hour 'cause the...

I don't... I'm s... I don't ...I don't... I don't...

I don't think Chuck did it that way, though.

Hey.

Hi.

So... how pissed was the guy about his car.

Did he yell? Did he slap you?

You know what?

He was actually really impressed that I left a note.

But I left the note.

Yeah, it turns out that he owns that electronics store where we parked, and he said that my honesty restored his faith in humanity.

And then he gathered all of his employees around.

And... they slapped you?

They applauded me.

And then...

He gave me an iPad!

What? Yeah!

Yeah, he said I should be rewarded for my integrity.

Mm-hmm. But it's my integrity, so it's my iPad.

Ooh, Eve, Eve, Eve. No.

Just try being a better person.

Good things will happen to you, too.

[sighs]

Hey, honey? Yeah?

Good night, girls. Good night.

Both: Good night.

You ready for bed? As a matter of fact, I am.

But you know what? I'm gonna get some cereal. I'll be up.

Okay. Oh, hey. You know what?

You never told me how things went with Chuck.

Are you two, uh, all back to normal?

In that we still dislike each other?

That's never gonna change.

He actually wasn't there.

But, uh, Carol gave me his new address.

New address? What new address?

Are the Larabees moving?

Just Chuck.

What?

Hey, are you telling me that Chuck left Carol?

I don't know. We... we didn't get into it.

[gasps] I... [sighs] I'm shocked.

You know, I'm not really shocked.

I think she woke up one day and went, "Damn, I'm married to Chuck?"

Either way, honey, this is none of our business, okay?

No. No. I just... I can't believe she didn't tell me.

I-I just saw her yesterday, and she never let on.

I guess it's true... Black don't cr*ck.

That's not what that means.

I asked her if she was okay, and she had the nerve to say "Fine."

But she is fine. No, she lied right to my face.

No, she is fine. No.

She said "Fine" to me, too.

You know that feeling that washes over you every time Chuck leaves the room?

Where are you going?

I'm going to see my dear friend Carol Larabee.

You know what time it is?

No, I just want to make sure she's okay and that she knows that I am always there for her.

Don't go over there now! There's no reason to...

See if she's got milk.

And, hey, watch your step.

I made good on that DNA promise, too.

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

Vanessa?

Oh, Carol, honey, Mike told me about Chuck.

You... you must be devastated.

You know, I'm actually a very private person when it comes to things like this.

Right. Mm-hmm.

I'm hoping you'll understand that.

But we're friends.

I didn't think you would.

Come on in.

I know, sweetie. I-I-I hate to intrude.

But how... how are you holding up?

This is probably the worst of it right here.

Yeah.

Yeah, listen, Carol, you don't have to pretend to be strong for me.

If there's one thing I've learned as a m*llitary wife, it's how to get along without my husband.

Mm. Yeah. And, with all that moving around, not to get too close to the neighbors.

So...

Well, wait, listen.

Carol, I mean, w-when did Chuck leave home?

A week ago. What?

A-a week ago? But... but I just saw you yesterday.

We went to a movie. Why... why didn't you tell me then?

I don't talk in movie theaters.

I...

Most of us don't.

I know, but...

Tell your friends.

[sighs]

Although, I did agree with that woman who yelled, "Watch out, gravity!

Don't let go of that spaceship!"

I'm sorry.

I thought we were... were closer than that.

Well, if you had asked me about Chuck, I would have told you.

Well... "Asked you?"

Well, Carol, I-I-I can't ask you about every little thing.

I mean, I-I can't ask you every time I see you if you have some terrible disease.

[gasps]

Please tell me you don't have a terrible disease!

Please. [laughs]

If I did, would you stop yelling at me?

Oh, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, too. Aw.

I mean, I didn't know Chuck and me having a big fight would cause you this much pain.

No, it's just... No.

Oh. [voice breaking] I just...

Oh, I want to be there for you, Carol.

And I just... I don't know. I want you to want me, too.

Oh, come on, honey.

[sobbing] There, there.

Oh, you gonna get over this, girl.

Ohh.

Oh, there she is, my good Samaritan, Mandy.

Hi.

[both laugh]

Don't tell me... you dented my car again.

[laughs]

But, of course, you would tell me because you're such an honest person.

Aww. Yeah, no. I was really careful this time.

I just parked in the handicapped spot.

Okay.

So, are you enjoying your iPad?

[inhales sharply]

Well... I kind of thought that it'd have, like, more gigs and maybe the retina display, so I was hoping that I could just return it for cash.

Let me get this straight.

Yeah.

You dent my car.

Mm-hmm.

And I reward you for your honesty by giving you a beautiful gift.

Yes, it was beautiful... but also sort of, like, the base model.

And now you want to return it to me and expect me to give you cash?

Mm-hmm. That would be great. Thank you.

How dare you?!

Okay, um... Store credit is totally fine.

Although, like, I'm not really seeing anything that I love, but...

You ungrateful criminal.

What?

Everyone, gather 'round. You remember Mandy.

[applause]

No clapping!

She is no longer our friend.

She is here today throwing my gift in my face and breaking my heart.

Give me that. No.

No gift for you.

Ha. Joke's on you because I didn't even leave that note.

My sister did.

Oh, well, ha.

Joke's back on you because I'm gonna call your insurance company for that dent.

Oh, ha ha!

Joke's back on you because that bill goes straight to my dad.

Well, ha.

The joke's on you because you're being towed right now.

So much for your no-hassle return policy.

Doc, I'll bring him over right now.

Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

[sighs]

Listen, I'm sorry it's come to this, Muffin.

I'll give you a few minutes to kiss them goodbye.

I'm gonna head out.

Mm.

You going to the vet?

I can't get this operation off my mind.

Today, at Starbucks, I ordered a muffin without nuts.

Honey, he'll sleep, and when he wakes up, he won't even know what happened.

He's a guy. He'll know what happened.

If it happened to me, I'd know what happened.

If it happened to you, you'd have to figure out something else to do while you watch TV.

Listen. [sighs]

Can we please talk about the Larabees?

This is none of our business.

I tried to get Carol to open up about it, but...

Because it's none of our business.

Chuck's retirement is the problem.

See, he's around all the time with nothing to do, and he pretends it doesn't affect him, but the guy feels like he's lost his purpose.

You said you couldn't get her to open up.

Well... I don't know this much about Jesus, and I read the whole book.

Well... I had to fill in a lot of the blanks.

Look, I know Carol well enough to know that her pushing me away, it's really... really a plea for help.

Or a plea for you to go away!

Well, you'll talk to him, and you'll get Chuck's side of the story.

I don't want Chuck's side of the story!

Why am I involved in this?

Look, the guy is lost.

He's over there breeding dogs because Carol talked him out of getting chickens.

Listen, you know the won... wonderful thing about other people's problems?

They're other people's problems.

Well, you know what?

Do what you want, but the guy deserves our help.

He's a neighbor, he's a friend, and he's a vet.

Well, he's not the kind of vet that could help me out with Muffin.

I'll tell you that.

Oh, come on.

You're gonna have to figure out something else to do when you watch TV.

Okay, Lady.

Now, I ran out of brown, so I'm gonna have to paint your eyes green!

[knock on door]

Okay, well, you just stay there. I'll get it.

If it's an intruder, I'll bite him.

[sighs]

Come here.

Bax... Baxter?

Hold on a second. Come here!

Come here, you little horn dog! That's a cat, damn it.

Oh. Geez.

Did you bring him around here to gloat?

No, no. On my way to get him fixed.

I figured, maybe for old time's sakes, that Lady would toss him one.

[groans] We're not interested.

[door closes] [Lady whines]

I said we're not interested.

Actually, the reason I stopped by...

I don't know what Carol told you, but I'm willing to take responsibility for those puppies.

Oh.

I haven't spoken to Carol, but, uh... but thanks.

And, uh... Oh, when you... when you spoke to Carol, did, uh... did she, uh Did she seem okay?

Yeah, I guess. I didn't talk to her much.

I talked to her boyfriend. Man, he can cook.

I don't know what he was making.

Painting the den there.

Putting his furniture in it. [laughs] Oh, Baxter.

I'd really hoped Carol would get custody of you in the breakup.

You know, I... Enh-enh!

Oh, that... Man, that's something, huh?

[sighs]

Which one of you painted this?

It's... it's a new hobby.

I'm not... not really good at hobbies. [sighs]

Not really good at painting, either.

Chuck... What are you doing here?

I'm trying to enjoy my retirement.

But my wife thinks I need to be doing stuff.

I-I don't want to... I don't want to clean rain gutters or... or build shelves or plant her a little patch of oregano.

I do not like oregano!

If you garden like you paint, you won't have to worry about that.

The woman won't accept that I just like to do nothing.

It's understandable.

I mean, you are in your late 40s.

That's generally the time that men just sit back and wait to die.

Sometimes, death can just spring up on a man, like when he's bothering a Marine.

Listen, I get it.

I get what it's like coming home.

I was on the road for eight years of my marriage sh**ting pictures for Outdoor Man.

Well, unless those pictures were sh**ting back, it's not really the same thing.

I'm talking about when I got him, my wife had all sorts of ideas how I should spend my time.

[sighs]

Didn't like it, but, I mean, I didn't just bail out.

[sighs] What do you want me to say, Baxter?

That all I've ever done is serve my country, and without it I'm lost?

That my whole identity was tied up with being a Marine, and now I don't know who I am?

Or... or... or... Oh, I-I'm afraid.

Oh, yeah, now, that's it. That's it.

I'm afraid to take the next step in my life because what if I try something new and I fail?

Uh... Exhibit "A."

I ran out of brown!

Look, I-I got home, and I had to figure out a way to reinvent myself.

You got to reinvent yourself.

[sighs] I get it, Baxter.

No, but you can't do it alone.

You got to reinvent yourself around the... the new platoon you got to spend time with.

It's your wife and kid.

You got to go home, man.

[sighs]

You're welcome.

I didn't say "Thank you."

It's time to go get snipped.

I'm gonna put them on a key chain.

You could have just said you missed me, Baxter.

Yeah, I could have.

Listen, you might want to give Carol a courtesy call in case someone's there planting her oregano.

[laughs] [door closes]

Hi, there.

Mike "The Moose" Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

[howls]

Announcing our first annual marriage-saver sale.

20% off everything we sell designed to help you spend time away from home...

Which is pretty much everything we sell here at Outdoor Man.

Because nothing is better for a marriage than not being around each other all the time.

Ask a man why he goes to work. He'll say, "to earn a living."

But come on... with the internet, these days, most jobs could be done at home right next to the little lady.

[chuckles]

"What are you working on? Want to get some lunch?

"Since you're here, "can you fix that thing that isn't really broken that I just don't know how to use?"

Listen, we all know the guy who worked for 50 years, retired, came home, and d*ed a few weeks later.

And people say, "He worked himself to death."

I don't know.

He was fine when he was working.

Sounds like the dude came home, and that k*lled him.

Come on.

The only way to be missed is to be gone sometimes.

We've got explorer-model backpacks on sale now from 25% to 35% off.

Be sure to be gone long enough that she starts to actually say, "You know, he doesn't smell that bad."

So, pick up one of these and take a hike before the wife tells you to.