04x17 - Kyle's Friend

[bunniefuu]

Honey, don't you want any bacon?

Daddy says when we eat bacon, we contribute to the genocide of a very intelligent animal.

When a pig can spell the word "genocide," I'll stop eating them.

(Chuckles)

A pig could write an op-ed in the New York Times, and you would still eat him.

And I would have something to wrap up my leftovers in.

Morning, fam. You all remember Jenna?

Vanessa: Hey.

Hi, Jenna.

Hi, Jenna.

How was brunch?

Great. Hopefully my last without a bottomless mimosa.

Yeah?

Oh, that's right!

The big 21 is right around the corner.

Yeah, I can finally get in a club without a fake I.D... Ea of what nightclubs are really like.

I am gonna miss all these pathetic, little lies.

Mike: The lying will continue.

It will just be funnier because she'll be loaded.

I am so looking forward to your birthday!

Oh. I have been spending way too much time in mommy land, so, please, have a real big blowout, like...

(gasps) Like that fancy ball in "Frozen."

Oh, my God, it might be too late for me.

Come on, kid. Let's go.

Can we watch "Frozen" again?

I will give you $1,000 if we don't.

Bye.

Bye.

Speaking of money, so...

We got to start talking about my party.

Want to give you guys plenty of time in case you need to liquify some assets, okay?

Honey, how long would it take to liquify a $20 bill?

So funny... for Jenna's birthday, her dad is flying her and her 12 friends out to the Coachella music festival.

Ooh, and they want to adopt you? Where do we sign?

My dad's just doing it to show up my mom and her new boyfriend.

Yeah, who are now buying Jenna a brand-new Escalade to show him up.

They say in divorce, it's the kids who suffer, but we do okay.

Yeah.

Tragically, Mandy's parents are happily married, so I don't have to do stuff to impress her.

Mm, and he's doing a hell of a job.

Sorry your folks still love each other.

Enjoy your one house.

Thank you.

Listen, I don't expect you guys to, like, charter a jet for my birthday, but how about we just rent out a nightclub for 300 of my closest friends?

That's a great idea. What's that place we love on colfax? Oh, yeah.

What's the name of that? Um, oh, God. Oh, Chuck E. Cheese.

Chuck E. Cheese. We love that place. We could rent that out.

Yeah. And we can hire that little rat to do stuff, like dance at the table.

Oh, but no.

Unless he's also appearing at Coachella. Sorry.

Could be that.

Coachella... all those hipsters in one place.

One drone strike, and we'll never have to see a porkpie hat again.

Mandy, we have no intention of breaking the bank for this party.

And, Eve, will you please stop talking about blowing people up?

(Scoffs) That's not fair!

Yeah.

All right, sounds like we're pretty far apart on the whole party thing, so... Let's talk presents.

(Inhales deeply) How about a car?

(Laughs)

(Scoffs) A new car?

I don't think so, no.

Guys, Jenna's mom is getting her that Escalade, and I'm a way better person than Jenna.

I only hang out with her 'cause she has nice stuff.

(Laughs sarcastically) I'm not buying you an Escalade.

Dad, they're really practical, and they're very safe.

Well, it didn't protect Tiger Woods from an angry wife with a 9-iron.

This is so stupid. No big party, no car.

Come on! I totally deserve this!

Well, where is this entitled attitude coming from?

Come on. You were acting so mature lately.

Exactly, you owe me.

We... owe you?

We owe you? We fed you. We clothed you. We educated you.

No, no, no, no, it was public education.

I'm not taking the hit for that.

Guys, like, 21 is the last good birthday.

After that, they're all sad.

It's like 30, 40, 50, dead.

Look at that.

I've already passed, and you're well on your way.

Look at that.

Come on.

The Mandy we were hoping to buy a present for is the mature one, the one who thinks about somebody other than herself.

So buy that Mandy an Escalade, and we'll share it.

I love you guys, but, uh, swing and a miss on that one.

(Sighs)

Hey, buddy.

Pal, move along.

You can't stay here, man.

Come... Kyle?

(Sighs)

Sorry, Mr. Larabee.

I'll head inside the store.

Yeah, and you might want to ask for a raise. see, the way I do it, Kyle, is I sleep at home, and then I come to work.

(Chuckles)

I was waiting for my friend Dave...

Oh, thank you.

...and, uh, I must have fallen asleep.

Uh, is Dave a friend the rest of us can see?

Of course.

Okay.

He's not like monty, the ghost that lives in the break room.

Dave lives on the loading dock, and... and I figured if I waited in his spot, he'd show up.

He's homeless.

No, his home is the loading dock.

I'm worried 'cause he's gone missing.

Can a homeless guy really be missing?

It's not like they're expected anywhere.

Well, I-I expect to see Dave every morning.

I take them our stale doughnuts and bagels.

If that's all he's been eating, maybe he went somewhere looking for fiber.

Hey.

Does Dave wear a blue San Diego Chargers hat?

Yeah, but he's secretly a Broncos fan.

Yeah, he wants people to see his hat and think that Chargers fans are bums who sleep in their own filth.

Oh.

You got to admire his commitment.

Or maybe he found a hat.

I saw him a couple of days ago, and I ran him off the premises.

You what?! Why would you do that?!

Because it's Chuck's job.

That doesn't mean you get to decide where everybody lives.

You know, just because you look like Morgan Freeman doesn't mean you're God.

Seriously? He's like 40 years older than me.

What's all the yelling? What's going on?

Kyle can't tell the difference between me and Morgan Freeman.

What, are you nuts?

Morgan Freeman is what, six, seven years older than you?

(Laughter)

Ed: Kyle has been harboring this... this homeless guy out on the loading dock.

Yeah, I know the one.

Yeah, we can't have vagrants loitering around, looking for handouts.

Dave is very proud. He does not ask for handouts.

How about the bagels and the doughnuts?

Well, he makes me throw them in the dumpster first, and then he has to go in and get them.

Dave likes to work for everything he gets.

Yeah, he could be dangerous, Kyle.

W-what do any of us really know about this guy?

David Hill is his name. Born in Florida.

Actually went to Broward Community College, moved to Albuquerque, became a welder, hurt himself in some industrial accident, got kind of in a problem with painkillers, dropped out, hitchhiked around the country, ended up in Denver, uh, six, eight months ago.

Wait a minute. H-hold on there. (Stammering)

How do you know all this now?

You sound like hobo-pedia.

I walked by him one day, and I said, "what's happening?"

Two hours later, I wished I'd said, "hey."

Dave can be a bit of a chatty Cathy...

(Chuckles)

...especially after his morning dumpster coffee.

Bought him some shoes, but he wouldn't take them unless I put them in the dumpster, and I got to go back and throw some socks in there for him.

You know, if it's all right with you, sirs, I-I'd like to take my lunch break early and go look for Dave.

Just don't bring him here, please.

He can't be living behind the store, all right?

What's gonna happen to all the stuff he ordered from Amazon?

Well, knowing Dave, he's probably got a forwarding dumpster.

Whoa. Smells like lasagna.

Yep. Almost done. I'm making a nice salad.

That's not holding up the lasagna, is it?

No, no, no.

(Smooches) Mandy: Hi.

Honey, where have you been?

We expected you home hours ago?

Oh, um, after school, Kyle and I went down to skid row.

Is Kyle trying to prove that you could do worse?

He's looking for a friend who's named Dave that used to live on our loading dock, but now has fallen on hard times.

Well, I don't like the idea of Kyle taking you down to that part of town.

I think it's a good experience to learn how the less fortunate live.

Well, Mandy's idea of "less fortunate" is anyone still using an iPhone 5.

Did Kyle find his friend?

No, and then it started raining, so everyone headed into the rescue mission.

He's still down there serving food.

Ah, free food.

That will motivate the freeloaders to get a job.

Says the girl who's about to get some free food.

I-I'm sorry.

They... I mean, they only have themselves to blame.

They... they made bad decisions, right, dad?

Well, especially if they voted democrat.

Oh, come on!

Truth is, in Obama's America, everybody's one paycheck away from being homeless.

Oh, yeah, because there were no homeless before Obama.

Oh, no, just a bunch of sad people out for a long walk.

Well, it is sad, but I still don't like the idea of Mandy down there with all those troubled n.

Actually, half of the homeless population is now women, okay?

Not exactly the kind of equality we were hoping for.

Yeah, burning their bras to stay warm.

It's so interesting.

I just kept wondering, like, as a person who deeply cares about others, what I could do to help out.

And then it hit me. I could volunteer.

Well, what? Give the homeless people makeovers?

I mean, I guess that's one way to beautify our parks.

I'm so excited to give back, you know?

I even told one lady that I would date her son.

Oh. But don't worry.

He's just a mop with a hat on it.

Well, dinner's ready.

Okay, got to get my phone.

You don't need your phone to eat dinner.

Then how will it get on Instagram?

Since when is Mandy drawn to lost people with no future?

Well, I think dating Kyle got that ball rolling.

Don't you guys get it?

This new "I care about the world" Mandy is her way of sucking up so you'll spring for a fancy, new car.

I mean, you challenged her to be a good person, remember?

Oh, come on. She's not that cynical.

What does it matter if it gets her to do good in the world?

Huh? I'm with Kris.

It's a good thing she thinks about other people.

It's a good thing she starts thinking period.

She's reeling you in, old man, hook, line, and sinker.

Come on, honey. Okay.

Say a little grace, please. Yeah.

(Thunder crashes)

All right, we're saying grace. Take it easy.

Dear lord, thank you for all the blessings you've given us and for those that we love are healthy, well-fed, and safe from this storm.

All: Amen. And watch over those who aren't.

Hook, line, and sinker.

(Thunder crashes)

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man with a few words on homelessness.

It's a problem that really hits home, ironically.

The government took a sh*t at solving it.

They came up with housing projects, where people take sh*ts at each other.

We can't count on the democrats to be good with housing.

They just lost both houses of congress.

But if you want to keep Uncle Sam out of the mix, we all need to step up and help each other, especially through charitable organizations, like the Denver rescue mission.

You'll see here on the website is a picture of a homeless friend of ours... his name is Dave.

He's with one of our employees.

Our employee is the one that looks homeless.

We haven't seen Dave lately, and we're starting to worry.

So, Dave, if you happen to see this or any of you see Dave, please contact Outdoor Man.

The rest of you, come in, buy a tent.

It can be your home away from home.

In this day and age, with Obama at the helm, it never hurts to have a spare, 'cause good chance is you're gonna need it.

(Knock on door) Yeah.

Mike, Mike, Mike, you know I'm a huge fan of your Vlogs, right?

But this one is way off the mark, Mike.

I'm a big fan of your compliments.

That one needs some work.

Okay.

I'm talking about you turning our store into a homeless refuge.

That's not what that Vlog was... I've had 20 bums named Dave show up, asking me what they've won.

Did any of them have a San Diego Chargers hat on?

And I'm not talking about Ryan leaf.

I've seen him down there at that dumpster.

It's bad enough that the homeless have taken over the city park that I sponsor.

The Ed Alzate park is supposed to be for families, right?

In the evening, certain discreet gentlemen show up, and I don't ask any questions.

If I were you, I'd wipe down those monkey bars.

I'll tell you that.

Hey, guys, guys, great news. I found Dave.

Ah, the prodigal bum has returned.

And he's found Dave.

Dave saw Mr. B's fabulous Vlog at the library and called me.

I need to go pick him up.

See if Dave will let you drive him to the mission.

Best place for him. Right.

Well, I'm... I'm hoping I can get him to settle down.

I mean, Dave really needs to start thinking about his retirement.

Yeah. Retirement from what?

Apparently, he's got a loading dock picked out in Florida.

Yo, Dave!

I'm glad Kyle found you, but you can't stay here, Dave.

You can't...

Sorry, Mr. B. It's just me.

I was looking for a warm place to sleep last night.

Why didn't you just go to Ed Alzate park?

A lot of guys there want to spoon.

What's going on?

Well, Dave refused to go to the mission, so my only choice was taking him back to my place.

Does Dave know the mission is nicer than your place?

Yeah, I tried to tell him, but he seemed pretty happy on my futon.

A-and then I went out to the pharmacy to get his diabetes medicine, 'cause I'm really worried he could lose a foot.

You know what I'm hearing?

I might get one of those shoes back.

When I came back, there was a tie on the doorknob.

And, well, we all know what that means.

So I went out to get him some thai food.

But when I came back, he was having a party, and he kind of needed the place to himself.

Well, why didn't you just stay in your van for a while?

Oh, no, Dave's friend Shorty was in there with a lady.

Good luck selling the van.

(Chuckles)

You know, uh, bum sex comes up on Carfax.

You can't solve Denver's homeless problems by having them all in your apartment.

I'm starting to realize that.

It's just it's hard for me to say no to Dave, and Shorty carries that stick with a nail in it.

Let's you and I go back to your apartment.

We'll have a little conversation with Dave.

We'll speak softly and carry a bigger stick with a bigger nail in it.

Hey, everyone. (Clears throat)

Uh, this is Morgan.

Hey, are you one of Mandy's friends from the fashion program? Oh, no, no.

Morgan's from the women's shelter.

She's homeless. Yeah, she's totally homeless. Oh.

You can tell her how homeless you are.

Very.

I'm so sorry. Um, uh, welcome to our home.

Uh, oh, God, that was so insensitive.

No, it's okay, really.

And you have a very lovely home.

Well, it's... it's not really that nice.

Uh, you're just not missing much.

(Laughs)

She tries too hard.

You should see her around black people.

Uh, Morgan has a job interview tomorrow. (Exhales sharply)

And the people from the shelter asked if I could give her a makeover. Vanessa: Ah.

Apparently, that's the number-one thing homeless people need.

(Clicks tongue) Who feels stupid now?

Still not the person who should.

It was an honor meeting you, Morgan.

Just truly, you are [Voice breaking] an inspiration.

If she was homeless and black, your head might explode.

Wow.

Mandy has really come a long way, trying to help somebody like Morgan.

Yeah, well, she's learned a new way to con you.

Mandy: Okay, so, we need an outfit that says, like, "I'm responsible.

I'm level-headed. I'm modest."

So, yeah, we're gonna have to borrow something from my mom.

(Chuckles)

She seems really nice.

Oh, yeah, she's cool.

I mean, I'll know for sure if I get a car for my birthday next month.

My daughter's birthday's next month... 14th.

Oh, 26th. Hmm.

You have a daughter?

Isabella. She'll be 8.

And the answer to your next question... I was 17.

Oh. Just like my sister, actually.

Yeah, she, um... she had her son when she was 17.

Oh.

I was an aunt before I knew how to do algebra.

Actually, I still am.

(Chuckles)

Well, my mother kicked me out when I got pregnant.

My grandma let us stay with her for a little while.

But after she d*ed, we wound up living in my car.

Was it an Escalade?

Not exactly. (Laughs)

Um, so, Isabella, does she live with you at the shelter?

Uh, no. She is in a foster home.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Yeah, they're really nice, and I get to see her a lot.

But I will get to see her a lot more if I can just get this job.

(Sighs)

Well, let's make sure you get it.

Dave?

Dave?

Hey, Dave?!

Dave's not here, man.

And my TV's gone.

(Sighs) Probably one of those people he had over.

Dave is way too trusting.

Yeah, nice people get taken advantage of now and then, don't they?

You don't think Dave took my TV, do you?

I don't know, but you're gonna have to change your locks, change your sheets ...probably burn them.

You really got to change your approach, Kyle.

Yeah.

What's the point of doing nice things if people are gonna do stuff like this?

You still do nice things, but you can't help people if they won't help themselves.

Looks like Dave helped himself to my TV...

Yep.

...and my "star wars" lego ship.

Kyle, you're a great guy and you got a big heart.

I just hope that you don't ...you don't lose that.

(Chuckles) You're right.

Dave might have stolen my TV, but I can't let him steal my big heart.

Or your kidney, which you might have lost had you slept here last night.

Hey. Hi.

I got your wine.

And if you run out, the store is open till 11:00.

Seriously, Mike, you can't bring yourself to pay for a shopping bag?

No, when I was a kid, the grocery store wouldn't charge you for a grocery bag.

Plus, all the food you ate while you were in the grocery store was free.

No, it wasn't. Not ever.

Yeah, if you do it fast.

Let's eat. Hey, where's the other girl?

I'm here, uh, and Mandy's upstairs, trying outfits on her bag-lady Barbie.

Mandy brought home a lovely, lovely young woman from the homeless shelter.

I just had this conversation with Kyle! You can't do this.

We're not equipped to deal with these people's addiction problems or their mental illness.

Or what if they carry a stick with a nail in it?

Uh, everybody, if your municipal water department needed an administrative specialist, would you hire this person?

Do-do-do! Ta-da!

Wow! Morgan, you clean up great.

Uh, uh, you know, 'cause not... not that you were dirty before.

Thank you, Mrs. Baxter.

And Mandy did an amazing job.

Um, dad, Morgan. Hi.

Hi, Morgan, I'm Mike Baxter. I'm Mandy's father.

Hello.

You know, I don't run the water department.

If I did, I'd hire you, 'cause we... we use water a lot around here.

We even freeze it, make, uh, little squares out of it.

Oh, well, thank you.

I should probably grab my old clothes.

Uh, do you guys have a shopping bag I could borrow?

Sure we do. Oh.

And around here, they're free.

Well, it looks like you're getting your birthday Escalade now.

Yeah, no.

About that, guys, I would, um, rather not have a big deal for my birthday this year, maybe just something small with the family and then, you know, donate what you were gonna spend on the party to the women's shelter.

Crap! What?

Now I have to spend more than $20.

Okay, I just saw myself again in your mirror, and I look amazing.

I'm sorry. That sounded really conceited.

Her mirror has that effect on people.

I get to visit lsabella tonight.

I can't wait for her to see me like this.

Is that your kid?

Yeah, her daughter.

Um, she's in foster care.

Oh, that's rough that you don't get to live with her.

No, it was rough on her when I was drinking.

Oh. But I am six months' sober.

Oh, great, great, great. That's great.

Good for you. Good.

Congratulations.

Uh, trust me, you're... you're not missing much.

No.

It's just... it's... this is all mainly for cooking.

Uh-huh, she cooks like a fish.

Well, if I keep getting my life back together, I can get my daughter back.

Mike: She'll be very proud of you.

Uh, hey, Morgan, I might have a necklace that could go really well with that shirt.

God, that's incredible, Eve. You own a necklace?

(Scoffs)

Thank you. No problem.

Can you stay for dinner? It's just leftover lasagna.

That's very nice of you, but my daughter's expecting me, so...

I'll tell you what, when you get the job, which you will and you get your daughter back come by for dinner and we'll all celebrate.

Wow. That's very generous. Thank you.

Well that's just my way to guarantee I get my bag back.