02x22 - The Jessie-nator: Grudgement Day

[bunniefuu]

Jessie asked me to make you lunch.

Aw, why? Is she punishing us?

Bertram, this slide is kind of sticky, can we grease it up with your head sweat?

[Both laughing]

You know, one day you kids will be sorry for how you treat me!

Snap-a-doodle-doo!

What? Snap-a-doodle-doo is my new catchphrase.

It is going to be a big thing because you can use it for a multitude of scenarios.

No. You really can't.

Aw, snap-a-doodle-doo.

[Gasps] See?

Luke: Zuri...

I can't find my joy-buzzer.

I know you took it.

You always take my stuff.

No, I don't.

Is that my watch?

Okay.

I take your stuff sometimes.

But I didn't take your joy-buzzer!

Did so!

Did not!

Both: Jessie!

My nanny senses are tingling.

[Elevator bell dings]

You're wearing my watch right now!

Zuri: I don't care! So what!

Zuri took my toy!

No, I didn't! And Luke smells!

Which is a little off topic, but still true!

Enough! I am at the end of my rope with you two arguing all the time.

[Elevator bell dings]

It's official. Tony will let anyone up.

I am a Bertram-bot from the future, here to terminate Jessie Prescott.

[Scoffs] Wait, terminate? Really? What are you gonna do? Take off your shoes?

[Both laughing]

Jessie Prescott, target identified.

Prepare yourself for termination.

In that outfit? Prepare yourself for a lot of lonely nights.

Well, lonelier.

I happen to have a very active social life.

And now I will end your life. [Powering up]

Oh! So you're gonna k*ll me with frosting?

[Zapping]

Oh! That explains the heartburn we get after we eat your food.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪
♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

Whoa! You always said sugar rots your teeth.

But you never told us it could dissolve upholstery!

[Zapping]

I don't think that's Bertram.

And I know that's not frosting. Run!

[Elevator bell dings]

What happened to the lobby?

Luke, what did you do?

Okay, this one, not my fault.

Uh-oh! Here comes Chef Boy are we dead!

[All screaming] Whoa! What...

What's going on?

This is shaping up to be a really horrible Saturday.

It is no longer Saturday.

It is now Friday, August 5, 2072.

Say what now?

We must've gone through a time portal into the future.

That's so awesome!

We are going to hold you for termination.

But just Jessie, right?

Did I say that out loud?

So, uh...

Hi, is this termination thing absolutely necessary?

Yes.

The future version of Jessie Prescott leads the human resistance against our Bertram-bot army as we strive to rule the world.

If we terminate you now, you will no longer be able to lead the resistance in the future.

Or, you could just give me a stern talking to.

Uh, I just have one question.

Based on what you just heard, you only have one question?

It's really important.

How are the Jets doing this year?

They stink.

There's a shock!

Whoa! How many times have we asked Luke not to fart on the furniture?

I will say what we are both thinking. Snap-a-doodle-doo!

Quit trying to make snap-a-doodle-doo happen. [Elevator bell dings]

Is Jessie home?

Jessie?

What is up with the old person make-up, and pirate theme?

I'm Jessie from 60 years in the future, where an army of Bertram-bots have taken over and enslaved the human race.

I can't believe it!

After sixty years, you still don't know how to accessorize.

Oh, no. The Bertram-bots have already been here.

We need to locate younger me! [Whirring]

Very humorous ruse, Jessie.

But we are not buying what you are selling.

I am not your Jessie!

Well, I am, but 60 years older.

So we should call you old Jessie?

Uh, no. That's rude.

My point is, does 19 year old Jessie have this where her eye should be?

[Both screaming]

Have you not considered putting some ointment on that?

Wimps.

Okay. So you are Future Jessie. [Gadget whirring]

What are you doing here?

Well, in the future Ravi invents a Bertram-bot to help an aging Bertram with his chores.

That would be very nice of me.

But due to your faulty programming, the Bertram-bot turned evil, replicated itself into an army, and took over the world.

Well, nobody is perfect.

[Beeping] I'm getting a reading.

This shows that younger me, Luke, Zuri, and one Bertram-bot have all recently traveled back to the future.

Oh, no! We must save them!

Luke owes me $10!

And we love him.

If you're going back to the future to save them, we're coming with you.

No. This mission is much too dangerous.

You are not permitted to...

Both: Whee!

And this is why I never had kids.

Help! Stranger robot danger!

Awesome!

That was surprisingly easy.

Oh, no! It's starting back up.

If only we could reprogram it.

[Gasps] I wonder if its CPU has a password.

It does. But no one knows it.

Well, this is a fine snap-a-doodle-doo!

[Beeping]

Password accepted.

Entering reprogramming mode.

Ravi, snap-a doodle-doo must be the password.

Told you it would catch on.

The resistance thanks you.

Of course, had you not invented the Bertram-bots, there would be no need to resist.

Hmm, I see backhanded compliments have not gone out of style.

I see keeping up the park is a priority for you.

You will be terminated in The Thunderdome.

To entertain your fellow human scum.

[Handcuffs unlocking]

Okay, this is our chance.

Make a run for it on the count of three.

One, two... whoa!

[Grunts]

Three.

Should have counted to two.

[All grunting]

[Door slamming shut]

Zuri, this is all your fault!

If you hadn't taken my joy-buzzer we never would've left the park, and Jessie could be terminated without us.

Hello? Standing right here.

I already told you! I didn't take your stupid joy-buzzer!

Guys, quit arguing!

[ Imitating Luke ] You took my toy!

[ Imitating Zuri ] No, I didn't!

There's a cyborg lizard that's going to slaughter us all!

Which one of us said that?

Me! Look!

[All gasping]

[Zuri screaming]

Cool! It's cyborg Mrs. Kipling!

Do you think she remembers us?

[Spectators cheering]

Clearly, she remembers you.

[Screaming]

Bob and weave, people. Bob and weave.

[Both screaming]

That'll work too.

Almost done.

Now this Bertram-bot will be our most fearless protector.

Ooh, can we call him Arnold?

It was my second choice for Mrs. Kipling.

When I thought she was a dude.

Ugh, I've gone through six decades of gossip columns, in the New York Post Apocalypse.

And there's no mention of me.

How did I not become famous?

Emma, quit obsessing about your future.

What future? I am not famous!

It says here that Luke became a star athlete in a new sport called Dance-ketball.

And Zuri married Jaden Smith.

This is so not fair.

I'm the one who's supposed to be half of a celebrity power couple.

In other news, the world is also overrun by deadly Bertram-bots.

Yeah, yeah. That's bad, too.

[Whirring]

Arnold the Bertram-bot awaiting command.

Arnold, access the mainframe, and locate Young Jessie, Luke, and Zuri.

[Whirring]

They have been located.

They have been taken to...

[deep voice] The Thunderdome.

Oh, no.

Any chance The Thunderdome is the future term for the party?

[Crowd cheering]

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Come with me if you want to live.

Come with me if you want to live, who?

It's a rescue, not a knock-knock joke!

[Jessie squealing]

Jessie?

Run! [Grunts]

I've got your back, Red.

[Grunting]

She sh**t, she scores!

Oh, thanks.

Hey!

You know, you look really familiar.

Yeah, I have one of those faces, which is yours!

I'm you, but sixty years older.

No kidding. [Chuckles]

We look great for eighty, what's our secret?

Well, you stay fit when you eat plenty of vegetables and are constantly running for your life.

Huh, I would've guessed pilates.

That too. Run! [Low growl]

Both: Jessie!

Emma, Ravi!

What are you doing here?

You should never go to the future without adult supervision!

We came back with Ol' Jessie McEyepatch.

Accessing Bot Matrix.

The Bertram-bots have captured Future Jessie and have taken her up to the penthouse.

Okay. Let's rescue me.

After all, I went back to the past to save me, so now I'll stay in the future to save me.

Because I would do the same for me.

Ha ha!

Anything that involves two Jessies in one place, count me in!

[Chuckles]

O-M-G.

If we save Future Jessie that'll totally make me famous.

Someone tip off the robot paparazzi.

I can fly us up to the penthouse using my jet-feet.

Okay, anybody got a better idea than jet-feet?

No. Okay, we're going with jet-feet.

Ahem. Mr. Arnold, will you be providing mid-flight drink service around the eleventh floor?

I am quite parched.

We got drinks and peanuts!

Mine were unsalted. I must've been in coach.

Commencing rescue mission.

I'll be back.

[Screaming]

Do you think he'll activate his jet-feet in time?

[Banging] [Siren blaring]

Nope.

[Sighs]

Hope he was still under warranty.

Okay, we're going in.

No matter what, stay behind me.

Duh.

No problem.

Double duh.

Clearly, we're not going first.

Thanks.

Okay, on two!

One, two!

Halt!

Identifying intruders.

Young Jessie. Our creator, Ravi.

Dance-ketball Hall of Famer, Luke.

Zuri Smith.

And some blonde girl.

My name is Emma!

You're next!

Snap-a-doodle-doo!

Get back here, rust bucket!

[Crashing]

I feel so much better.

Jessie, we came to save you. I mean, me.

You? Us? See, this is why I hate time travel.

Intruder alert!

I'll hold those bots off!

Listen, the mainframe controlling all the robots is in the kitchen.

Your mission is to destroy it, and save the world!

Bertram-bot: Must terminate intruder.

Not if I terminate you first. [Grunting]

What horrors will we have to fight beyond that door?

I'm not sure.

But if no one knows Emma's name, it'll be a cakewalk.

[All gasp]

Hiya, kids.

Bertram, you, you look different, did you...

Get a haircut?

Yes! I also had my body replaced with a giant mainframe computer, so I can live forever.

Plus, I save a fortune on underwear.

Leave it to you to find another way to avoid moving.

Too bad you set up shop in bad guy central.

I am bad guy central!

Everyone blames Ravi's programming, but I turned the bots evil to take over the world.

[All gasp]

Thank the Gods, the apocalypse is not my fault!

The kids made me evil.

All the years of teasing.

Dead people take shorter naps.

Your food tastes like feet!

Why did you say those things?

Have you tried your egg salad?

The final straw was Luke putting an exploding dye pack in my favorite utensil drawer.

It ruined all my best friends.

Tom the Turkey Thermometer, Larry the Ladle, Charlie the Cheese Grater!

[Electricity sizzling]

Your head is turning really red.

Is there some knob I should turn down?

So, when Ravi created the first Bertram-bot...

I saw a chance to make sure no one ever teased me again!

So, Armageddon is Luke's fault.

That makes much more sense.

Look, Bertram, I'm sorry you never got the respect you deserved from the kids, but that's no excuse to take over the world and wipe out humanity.

If we bothered you that much, you should've just cried in the shower like Jessie does.

Exactly. Wait. How do you know that?

Thin walls, loud sobs.

Enough chit-chat!

It's time to try out my new Human Magnet.

[All screaming]

I'm finally having fun in this kitchen.

And now, it's termination time!

[Grunts]

Ooh, you're gonna throw me in the dumbwaiter? So scary.

Oh, the dumbwaiter has teeth.

I think I just tinkled a little.

[Grunts]

Hey, my joy-buzzer! I must've dropped it here.

I'm sorry I blamed you, Zuri.

I forgive you. And I'm sorry I take your stuff sometimes.

Who cares!

You're missing the big picture.

I never got famous!

I should've moved to LA, but no, I had to do theater! Because TV was beneath me!

[Grunting]

Jessie, try the joy-buzzer. The real Bertram always hated it.

[Both grunt]

[Loud belch]

Okay, either I'm getting a raise or I'm quitting.

Emma, could you get me closer to that panel?

No, I can't do it!

Sort of like how you could not become famous?

[Grunts]

[Yells]

Oh! Oh, stop! That tickles!

[Chuckling]

Bertram: My beautiful robot army!

[Sobbing]

You kids ruin everything!

Thank you for everything, Miss Future Jessie.

Thank you. Now that the Bertram-bots are defeated, maybe I can go back to my acting career.

Yeah! I'm sure there's lots of roles for one-eyed old ladies.

[All laughing]

Watch it. I could still throw you in that dumbwaiter.

So, did we have an acting career?

Depends. Do you consider Lord of the Rings On Ice acting?

I'll take it.

Before we go back, I just have one question.

What happened to our eye?

Long story short, never take up needlepoint.

Noted.

Good-bye, future me. Take care.

[Luke gasps]

Jessie just hugged herself!

[Sighs]

Take me now!

What about the Bertram head? Anyone for bowling?

Sorry, he is otherwise engaged.

[Laughing]

I can't believe I'm going to spend eternity vacuuming!

[Bertram sobbing]

You know, I'm happy we saved the world, but I'm still bummed I grow up to be a nobody.

Emma. Look.

You may never be famous, but you'll always be someone to us.

Thanks. But I want to be someone to people that matter.

[Elevator dings]

All: Whee!

Get this, if Emma had read a science journal instead of gossip columns, she would've learned that she actually invented time travel.

Emma? Emma Ross?

Never underestimate a girl determined to break the space-time continuum to get the inside track on next season's fashions.

But why didn't you tell her?

I didn't want to deal with her ego.

She gets a pretty big head because of it.

[Elevator dings]

Thank the Gods, we are back.

Does anybody else have a bad case of time travel tummy?

No. But I'm gonna go friend Jaden Smith on Facepage.

Meanwhile, I need to go toss that needlepoint starter kit.

Luke, please don't set off that dye pack causing the end of humanity.

About that, I already put it in Bertram's utensil drawer this morning.

And it's going off in ten...

Nine...

I'm on it!

Hey, stop rummaging through my friends!

Quiet! Saving the world here. Got it!

Four...

Three...

Two...

One!

[expl*si*n]

Aw, man! Now I look like a grape, with really cute hair.

Does this stuff come out?

Oh, sure. [Chuckling]

[Mouthing]

[Elevator dings]

Hiya, kids. [Sing-song] I'm back!

You should've terminated me when you had the chance.

[Laughing]

[All screaming]

And that, Luke, is what could happen if you continue with this prank!

So, the whole point of that ridiculous story you just told is, if I pull this dye pack prank, it'll turn Bertram into an evil head...

And he'll use robots you haven't invented yet to enslave the human race?

Yes.

Eh. Still worth it.

Bertram: You guys are gonna pay for this.

There. He looks perfect.

Let's put more lipstick on him. [Laughs]

Uh, no. That would make him look cheap.

[Laughs]

No! Get away from me!

[Mockingly] You're a pretty, pretty Princess.

[Sobbing]

Not that pretty!

There is not enough makeup in the world.

[All laughing]

[Sobbing]

You guys are mean.

[Screams] [Panting]

What was...

That?

My body.

And I thought your leftover meatloaf looked bad.