03x06 - The Rosses Get Real

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

[Snarling]

Okay, Ravi, your turn!

Here I go. Here I go!

Anyone else want to go?

Come on, Ravi, it's fun. Trust me.

What are you afraid of?

Rope, jumping, and any scenario where Luke tells me to trust him.

[Shrieks]

[Ravi groans]

Did I win?

Excuse me, I've been watching you guys for a while, and...

Stranger danger! Stranger danger!

Initiate scenario two!

Stop, drop, and roll!

That... that's scenario five, in case of a fire!

Oh, my bad.

Guys, relax! I'm Corinne Baxter, award-winning TV producer.

Ooh, you should meet our Butler.

He's an award-winning TV watcher.

Ooh.

I'm producing a new reality show about families with nannies...

Oh, I... I'm a nanny, and this is my family!

Smile everyone!

Jessie: Aren't they adorable?

So, I assume you're interested in being on...

Yes! [Gasps]

I cannot believe I'm going to have my own TV series!

I've got to go call everyone I know!

Hey, Darla!

Did your nanny just leave without you guys?

You did not say it was a show about good nannies.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪
♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

[Music]

Guys! I think the first episode of the reality show should be the party you're throwing me for my two year nanniversary!

What's that?

The anniversary of my becoming your nanny.

Since when is that a thing?

We didn't celebrate it last year.

Exactly. And here is your chance to erase that pain.

I think the first show should star me and my dance moves.

I'll be more popular with the ladies than Ryan Gosling holding a puppy.

All: Aw.

See?

Sorry, what?

I was just picturing Ryan Gosling holding a puppy.

It is adorable.

And I'm going to come up with a catchphrase, then print it on everything from mugs to diapers.

I'll get them drinking and stinking!

As tasteful as a soiled diaper with "mmm-hmm" emblazoned upon it would be.

Doing this show would be a huge mistake.

I give you two words.

Heisenberg Principle.

Can you give us two words we can understand?

I am sure Jessie comprehends what I am saying.

Of course I do.

But, why don't you break it down? Just for the kids.

The Heisenberg Principle states that once the camera is introduced, people cannot help, but change their behavior.

Witness every dope who has ever been on a reality show.

Who cares? Those dopes are famous!

And momma wants a big slice of that.

Bertram, it's 4:00. You're going to sleep already?

No, I just woke up.

You know, Mom and Dad will be watching this reality show.

Don't you want them to see how hard you work?

[All laughing]

Ah, seriously, though, I better clean this place up.

I'm gonna go look for the vroom-vroomy thing.

Ugh, this bug bite kept me up all night.

What a pity.

Are you ready for a lovely breakfast, and your close-up?

Good morning!

[Screams]

[Stammering] I'm in the middle of a beauty treatment!

It ain't working.

[Forcing laughter]

You're two hours early.

Corinne: Are we?

Oopsie.

Don't you worry your messy little head about us.

We're just here to capture who you really are.

Oh, well!

Who I really am is an actress.

[Dramatically] No, no, no!

This yogurt has...

Expired!

Alas, poor yogurt!

I knew it well.

[Dramatic sobbing]

I don't know what's more ridiculous.

Your acting, or the fact that you have a salad fork stuck in your hair.

And now, for the most gratifying part of my day.

When my beloved charges come home from school.

Which reminds me of when I played Maria in The Sound of Music.

Corinne: Please, don't start singing...

Again.

The Fort Tavey Gazette said I was, and I quote...

"Entirely adequate!"

Uh, and now we are getting off the elevator after a long, hard day of learning.

And now we are walking...

Walking, walking...

And you're driving us crazy, crazy, crazy!

You don't have to narrate everything we do!

Especially, when I popped that pimple!

Did you really have to make that "pssh" noise?

[Snorts laughter]

That epidermal expl*si*n needed no audio enhancement from me.

This is my playhouse, and you're just living in it!

Excuse me?

It's my catchphrase.

Make sure to get it in the first episode, and I'll cut you in for 10% of the merch.

Mmm, money!

Found it! [Chuckles]

Did you know there's a whole closet full of cleaning supplies?

People, please!

I need you to act naturally.

Of course!

Check this out!

[Grunting]

[Groans]

Now I know why they call it "hard wood."

Careful! You're in my sh*t.

Now, I will make everyone yummy snacks.

Much as my idol, Meryl Streep, to whom I have been compared many times...

Did when she played Julia Child.

Who compared you to Meryl Streep?

Everyone!

Come, lovable scamps.

This is a disaster!

If I can't spice this up, this show will be canceled before it even airs.

And I cannot go back to producing monkey makeovers.

I don't care how much eyeliner you put on them, they're just not pretty!

Uh, hey, Corinne, you're missing some great stuff in here.

I'm making lunch, while acting out Hamlet...

With an actual ham!

I told you, just do the things you normally do.

Oh. This is.

Last week I did MacBeth-aroni and cheese.

[Music]

I'm Zuri, and I have sass to spare!

Please, no more catchphrases!

So, I bet your sister Emma drives you crazy!

Huh?

No.

But there's this girl at school, she's a combination of nasty and awful.

She's nasty-ful.

Ooh, a new catchphrase!

I'm gonna go print that on a bunch of diapers.

So, between us...

What do you hate most about your nanny?

I love Jessie! But I'll tell you what I do hate...

What, what? Spill it, sister.

Fashion atrocities. Like sweatpants, which are totes lame, and supes embarrassing.

Also, socks with sandals, jackets with too many zippers...

You mean like mine?

Exactly! You're welcome.

So Ravi, what bothers you most about your brother and sisters?

Nothing! I wish I could shrink them, and carry them around in my pocket.

FYI, I am working on the technology.

Meanwhile, let me tell you about my dear sister, Emma...

Oh! [Chuckling] Excuse me, I didn't know you were filming here.

Hi, Morgan!

Hi, Christina! Just doing what I always do, work, work, work!

[Chuckles]

The Butler, on the other hand, can be very tiresome.

So, Jessie, I hear it's almost two year nanniversary.

You must be getting so sick of this job.

Oh, no, no, I love the kids.

But I'm not just a nanny.

I'm also an actress.

So you say!

Constantly!

Okay, what have I seen you in?

Does this show count?

No.

Then nothing.

Ah, Jessie, I see you're still filming, while I am hard at work.

Okay, if Bertram gets to pretend he's a working Butler, I get to pretend I'm a working actress.

BTW, go see Morgan Ross's brilliant new movie, Slugasaurus!

[TV narrator style] "It leaves a slimy trail of terror!"

So do you.

I cannot wait to watch the first episode of my...

I mean, our TV show!

Aw, look. He fell asleep mid-clean.

I'll wake him.

[Bertram snoring]

[Shouting] Bertram!

[Shrieks]

Well, at least my face is now dust free.

All this work is really getting in the way of my naps.

You would think the 14 hours you get every night would be enough.

I've seen cats sleep less.

[Reality show theme playing]

[Gasps]

It's starting!

I may not know what I'm doing, but I always look good doing it.

Ladies, take a number.

Then give me yours.

Bedtimes are for suckers!

Oh, are we rolling? Should I speak now?

[All laughing]

When you work for Morgan and Christina, it's no sweat!

I'm a nanny pursuing her dream...

"Of becoming an actress!"

They cut that part out!

This TV show is supposed to jump start my acting career, so I can finally do something I love.

Not, not that I don't cherish every day with you guys.

Let me tell you about my dear sister, Emma...

She is a combination of nasty and awful.

She's nasty-ful.

Hey! That was mean!

I didn't say that!

Well, TV Zuri just did!

And how to describe my beloved sister, Zuri...

Totes lame, and supes embarrassing.

What did you just say about me?

She said you were totes lame, and supes embarrassing.

I didn't say it about Zuri! I said it about wearing socks with sandals.

[Gasps]

You told me I made them work!

You will notice I made no disparaging comments about your excessive make-up!

BTW, the circus left town without you.

[Luke scoffing]

How dare you?

Oh, quiet, Bozo! This is my part!

When the ladies see me dancing, they'll be all over me.

Luke: Check this out!

[Groans]

I wouldn't have fallen if Bertram wasn't vacuuming!

Did you know dust can get under furniture?

This job is impossible!

Why did they show the one time I fell?

Okay guys, you're all overreacting. It's just a TV show.

[Laughing]

I just scratched myself in front of the whole country!

Don't forget Canada.

I can't believe I look so bad on television.

I mean, I looked fabulous, but I looked bad.

I can't believe I fell in front of the whole country.

Don't forget Canada.

If only someone would have warned us that we might come off looking like fools.

Oh, wait! Someone did!

Guys, relax. I doubt anyone even saw it.

Hey! You're those weirdos from the TV show!

Always nice to meet a fan.

OMG, you're Luke! You're my favorite!

Why, thank you.

So, uh, you girls don't think I looked bad when I fell?

[All laughing]

Of course! You looked like a total klutz!

Even worse than that hot mess in the socks with sandals.

The hot mess has bunions!

And you're the frumpy nanny! Hey, scratch yourself!

[Shutters clicking]

Will not!

Hey, it's the mean Queen, and the dumb catchphrase girl!

Oh, yeah? Catch this.

Luke, hold my hoops.

[Yelling]

Whoa, Emma was right.

Zuri is embarrassing.

For the last time, I was talking about Ravi's hideous choice of footwear!

[Gasps]

Ooh, look, mean girl's being mean again!

[Screeching] I am not mean!

Ow! You pummeled my piggies!

Two can play at that game!

[Grunting with effort]

Stand back, noodle arms! I've got this.

Guys, stop! This is embarrassing.

And I'm pretty sure I have to pay for all this food now!

Thank goodness Corinne was not here to exploit my manly rage.

Oh, I'm here.

And this is going to make a delicious promo for next week's episode.

We can't wait to watch!

How do you sleep at night?

Oh, warm milk and great ratings.

Thanks!

Come back here, you cold-blooded, disgusting reptile!

[Mrs. Kipling snarling]

You're lucky you're endangered.

[Music]

Good, you're back!

[All groan]

Everyone still mad?

[Sing-song] I've got some key lime pies for you to throw at each other.

And... go!

Okay, that's it.

Your stupid reality show has done enough damage to this family.

We quit!

[Chuckles]

You guys can't quit.

If you break your contract, I'll sue you for everything you've got.

Fine by me! I don't have anything!

So, ha!

Uh, Jessie? A word?

Look, you may not be able to afford more than one topping on your pizza...

But we are loaded like a baked potato!

Glad we're on the same page.

See you tomorrow night for your big nanniversary dinner, Jessie.

And remember, we're always watching.

Zuri, did you just eat one of those pies?

No!

Okay, now that we're in the one place with no cameras...

Wait, where's Zuri?

Zuri: [Muffled] Buried under Bertram.

[Groans]

What did you think that poking was?

[Stomach gurgling]

Indigestion.

Okay, so, since Corinne won't let us quit the show, here's the plan...

[Elevator dings]

Really?

[All groaning]

Okay, we can't give Corinne anything to use against us, so from now on, we just have to be super nice to each other.

I am nice!

And if I hear one more snarky remark about my footwear, someone will get a bunion to the butt!

Please. The last time you tried to step on a cockroach, it pushed you over and took your lunch money.

[Chuckles]

Ravi's weak.

This is exactly what I'm talking about!

Look, if we want to get rid of Corinne, we have to be the nicest, most polite people on the face of the Earth.

Okay!

[Scream]

Get these out of my face, or your head is next!

Okay, that was an example of what not to do.

Jessie, your nanniversary dinner is served.

I do hope that later you will regale us with one of your magnificent dating stories.

They are always so riveting.

Oh, Bertram, you flatter me.

And might I say that you are a fine man, with a sunny disposition, and no weird hobbies at all.

Dear sister, would you care for some more lemonade?

Thank you, Zuri. How kind of you.

Allow me to serenade you all with bird calls...

To help aid digestion. I give you...

The haunting loon.

[Mimicking bird cry]

That is the worst loon call I ever heard.

And I worked on Loon Dynasty.

I see what you're doing.

You're trying to ruin my show by acting all nice.

We're just being ourselves in front of the cameras, in full compliance with our contract.

And what's wrong with being nice?

[Stomach gurgling]

[Gasps]

Wow, you do have indigestion.

Seriously, it sounds like the last days of Pompeii in there.

Face it, Corinne. We're done being your puppets!

Jessie: Yeah.

This family may not be perfect, but we do love each other.

And that's as real as it gets.

Real?

Reality shows are about as real as my expense report!

My idiotic bosses and the knuckle-draggers who watch these shows expect drama!

So, stop eating that food, and start throwing it at each other!

Don't you think your bosses and the viewers might be, offended if they heard what you just said?

What, did you get that from, "Duh Magazine"?

Of course they would.

But, I edit all the footage, so no one will see it, but me.

I wouldn't be so sure about that. Luke, now!

Ha ha!

Grab that memory card!

That's how we do, son! Beast! Yow!

Emma!

Jessie!

No! Give me that!

Ravi, go long!

If that is a sports term, it is totally lost on me.

Just run, catch this, and upload it to the Internet!

Corinne: [Shrieking] No!

[Snarling]

Better run before Mrs. Kipling gets real...

Real hungry!

[Snarls]

[Screaming]

You're all fired!

Good riddance!

I hope we never see you again!

Unless you get a network show.

I'll... I'll send you my head sh*t!

Hey, a girl's got to try.

Well, at least now we can all get back to normal.

[Snoring]

[Chuckles] Bertram already has.

Well, you can't blame him.

He did work three whole hours this week.

Aw, he's so cute.

[Stomach gurgling]

I think he's gonna blow! Run!

Jessie, I know the reality show didn't end up helping your acting career...

But look on the bright side.

What would that be?

I don't know. I was hoping you had something.

Well, it did bring us closer together as a family and, I'm glad we can finally get rid of these stupid surveillance cameras.

Me too. Now we can just go back to being ordinary kids.

You know, most ordinary kids, don't have two private islands.

That is so sad.

Zuri, I said collect the cameras, not destroy them.

I know. But breaking stuff is fun.

On a related note, you need a new lamp for your bedroom.

Jessie, come quick! Corinne is back with her camera crew!

What? I'm going to do the Texas two-step on her...

Hey! A party!

All: Happy nanniversary!

Aw, guys... I don't know what to say, except...

Who's "Jassie?"

I'm sorry, I'm still really tired.

There's a 75% chance I iced the cake with lard.

Guys, thank you so much.

Look, I would not trade the last two years with you all for anything.

Neither would we.

I'd trade all of you guys for a week in Key West.

But let's have some nanniversary cake! [Chuckles]

Aw, guys this is beautiful.

Yep, lard.