04x12 - Rossed at Sea Part 2

[bunniefuu]

Buongiorno, miei amici.

(In Italian accent) The captain said we will be docking at the Italian island of Capaldi in two hours!

He also said I need to work on my Italian accent.

Oh, I cannot wait to explore the ancient Roman ruins there!

A beautiful island and a history lesson.

Is this a vacation or heaven?

Nice necklace, Jessie.

Yeah, where did you get it?

And does it have anything to do with why we had to leave Spain so quickly?

No, that was because Luke caused an international incident.

Okay. If you can't block a simple uppercut, you have no business calling yourself the Minister of Defense.

Anyway, my dad actually got this necklace while he was stationed in Italy years ago.

He told me it was lucky, but that could just mean it was on sale.

Hey, why did you two pile your dirty clothes in my room?

Uh, so you can wash them.

Why else do you think we wanted you to join us on this yacht?

Your bubbly personality?

Uh, Bertram, thank you again for leaving Mrs. Kipling at the Reptile Reduction Retreat.

I did not tell her it was a fat camp, but what her cankles do not know cannot hurt her.

Hey, Bertram, before you do our laundry, how about a refill?

No!

Did it ever occur to you guys that I'm on vacation, too?

(Both laughing)

Oh, good one.

Let's all share a laugh while you get me some more juice.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

What an astonishing example of Roman architecture.

I cannot wait to post this on Facepage.

(Gasps) Maybe I will get my first like!

Not unless all your friends are history professors.

Which they probably are.

The Director of Tourism is meeting us to give us a private tour of the island.

This'll be fun. Ciao!

(In Italian accent) I'm Marco, I'll be your tour guide.

And I thought that volcano we saw was smokin'.

Please, this way, come.

Man, guys with accents always get the girls.

Well, most guys with accents.

You're all so lucky to be in Capaldi at the very best time of year!

Shopping season?

Every season is shopping season.

We are what you call, "a tourist trap."

No, this is a weeklong celebration of our history and culture.

The Festa di Fuoco, the Festival of Fire!

Uh, hey, Marco.

Ah, scusi.

So, what do the ladies on this island like in a man?

FYI, I can burp the entire alphabet.

All 15 letters.

Impressive. (Chuckles)

But what our women find most attractive is bravery.

At the festival tonight, you have a chance to prove your bravery by attempting to walk on hot coals.

(Luke gasps) That seems incredibly irresponsible.

Are you not worried about lawsuits?

No. The legal system in Capaldi is, uh...

How you say...

Imaginary, huh.

Marco: Let's start the tour.

Uh, but first, signorina, your necklace!

No way, I was told this tour was already paid for.

Oh. (Chuckles awkwardly) No, no.

The necklace is from right here in Capaldi.

It's a treasured antique, and part of the most romantic story ever told.

The most romantic thing that's ever happened to me was just now, when you reached for my necklace.

Once, there was a very beautiful woman.

Almost as beautiful as yourself, Jessie.

(Giggles) Oh, stop it.

I'm sure there are a lot of women on this island who are almost as beautiful as me.

Actually, no.

Most of the women here are not known for their beauty.

Super Mario was based on my grandmother, Maria. (Chuckles)

The woman loved her mushrooms.

Gather round. Come on, kids.

You see, according to legend, the beautiful woman loved the Emperor's son, but the Emperor did not approve.

He was all powerful, but difficult to please.

Ditzia! Sarcastica!

You dare keep your emperor waiting?

You are late with my afternoon cheese!

You only requested it V minutes ago.

Sorry, Emperor Harrius Backus.

It's Berteus Maximus.

Tell that to the drain in the bathhouse.

Sorry, your Royal Emperorness, but they only invented cheese-making three weeks ago.

The sheep are still getting used to it.

Enough excuses!

How did you two even get this job?

Because you tossed your last servants into the jackal pit.

What's got your toga in a twist?

My son returns from battle today and I know he's going to see his obnoxious girlfriend.

I'd have her enslaved, but, ugh, it's too much paperwork.

Now fan me!

(Sighs)

Oscillate!

Both: Yes, emperor!

Oh sure, "aqueducts will improve everyone's lives."

Well, not for us human toilet brushes!

It was better when people just pooped in the streets!

If there was a clog, you just waited for it to rain.

Veritas dat, brother.

Look, Nerdicus!

There goes Hottia Messica, the prettiest girl in the empire.

She takes my breath away.

That could be the raw sewage. Ugh!

(Gasps) Hunkio, my love.

Aw, you've returned safely from battle.

And you look so cute in your little uniform!

Hottia, not in front of the guys.

(Clears throat)

A gift, my dear.

Its magnificent beauty struck me from across the b*ttlefield, and I just had to bring it back to you.

Ah, that is so romantic.

The Barbarian standing next to it said the same thing.

Right before I chopped his legs off.

(Chuckles)

And now I'm wondering if this flower was always red.

Is that a piece of tendon?

Hottia, while I was away fighting, all I could think about was my deep love for you.

And not getting k*lled.

But mostly my deep love for you.

Why does Hunkio get the hottest babeus in the land, while we're up to our waists in waste?

He is a descendant of royalty, while you are a filth-encrusted peasant.

You do the math.

Actually do not, it always ends badly.

True.

Hey.

Let's become gladiators.

No one's braver than those guys.

The ladies will love us!

Brilliant, Odorus!

But do you think there are any openings?

(Crashing)

(Man screaming)

(People gasping)

I'm guessing yes.

Ditzia!

Sarcastica!

Are you sleeping on the job?

What kind of lazy, good for nothing servant naps when there's work to be done?

Sorry, Emperor, but we didn't get much sleep last night.

Our mattress is made from the bones of your last servants.

Silence!

It is now time for the imperial grape-feeding.

Ah!

You do it.

No, you do it.

Do you know how hard it is to get a job as a nine-fingered servant in this economy?

(Chomping)

Blech! (Spits)

(Shrieks)

These grapes are not peeled!

What am I, livestock?

You two can make it up to me with a back waxing!

(Retching)

I think I'm gonna need to hit the vomitorium.

Emperor Baldius...

I mean, Berteus...

You have visitors.

Father, I know you do not approve of our union, but I love Hottia Messica and I intend to marry her.

What?

Yeah, maybe I'll just go wait in the chariot.

So go ahead, throw us to the lions, burn us at the stake, hurl us from the highest mountains... Sweetie.

Stop giving him ideas.

Very well.

If you two are truly in love, then I support you.

Say whatticus, now?

In fact, I have a gift for you.

The Enchanted Necklace.

(Gasps)

Hey!

You said that would be my reward for a life of brain-numbing servitude.

Well, don't believe anything I say when I'm hungry for grapes.

Welcome to the family, my dear.

Aw, thanks, Dad.

Ugh... Okay. Okay.

It's baby steps, gotcha.

Meet me at the arena tonight!

We shall celebrate by watching a tiger eat a thief's foot!

I feel like Emperor Berteus is just misunderstood.

He sounds like a great guy!

No, he was obviously a mean, demanding, bossy-pants who mistreats his servants.

I'm tired of standing.

Knee seat! (Sighs)

Signorina Jessie, there is something I want to ask you.

Uh-oh. Here it comes.

He wants to borrow money.

Or ask you to carry his suitcase, "just until you get through customs."

No, no, no.

I wish to ask Jessie to be my date to the Festival of Fire.

Oh, Marco, I would love to.

I'll wear my best flame-retardant dress and go easy on the hair spray!

You make me the happiest man in all of Capaldi!

Except for Giuseppe.

He invented the stuffed crust pizza.

He live like a King!

(Cell phone chiming)

Oh, mi scusi, per momento.

Well, Jessie, it looks like you finally got the romantic adventure you were looking for.

You can say that again.

Slump over!

(Gasps)

Jessie, you ruined the ruins!

That was already broken.

(All gasping)

(Both giggle)

Man, Marco was right.

Girls love firewalking.

Come on.

Uh, hi.

Me and my bro are going to be firewalking later, too.

(Chuckles) Huh?

But, you know, even slower and, uh, brave-ier.

(Chuckles awkwardly)

(Cracking knuckles)

Luke. Yeah?

I'm afraid your mouth has written a check our feet cannot cash.

I also think I just broke one of my knuckles.

Okay, who wants to hear the rest of the story of the necklace? Huh?

What else is there to hear?

Emperor Berteus is awesome. End of story.

Oh, no, stories on Capaldi are notoriously long.

Minimum two bathroom breaks.

Don't you worry. I have the bladder of an elephant.

Okay, not what men want to hear.

On with the story!

Oh.

Hunkio.

As an early wedding present, I got you this designer sundial watch.

It keeps perfect time.

As long as you use it outside.

During the day. And there's no clouds.

Hottia, I'm sorry, but...

The wedding is off!

Okay, not an accessories guy. Noted.

No, it is...

I cannot explain it.

Somehow...

I am just not in love with you anymore.

What? Is this about your father?

No...

I do not know what it is. It is just over.

Wait!

Hunkio, can't we talk about this?

Oh, but you're just gonna keep the watch?

Okay. All right...

My lady, are you all right?

No.

The love of my life just handed me my walking parchments.

And I have no clue in Hades why!

I am so sorry that happened to you.

The names Odorus Armpiticus.

Here's my Roman numeral.

Call me.

Excuse him.

He's feeling rather confident as we have just signed up to be gladiators!

I hear they have a great retirement plan.

Of course, no one's ever lived to use it, but still.

Okay, I'm done cutting your hair.

All four of them.

Hey, you got it easy!

It's like trying to cut through marble down here!

Gross, nasty marble.

You know what would make that harder?

If I cut off your hand.

Which, I won't do, as I'm in such a good mood.

Because you're happy that your son has found true love with Hottia?

What? No!

Their relationship is doomed!

The enchanted necklace I gave Hottia has a spell on it!

(Gasps) A spell?

I had a witch curse it.

Whoever is in possession of that necklace, will forever be unlucky in love.

(Laughs maniacally)

Now, if you'll excuse me, it is time for my milk bath.

Servants, squeeze me a goat!

This is terrible!

We have to go warn Hottia.

And that goat!

Jessie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop right there!

So...

The necklace that I'm wearing right now, the one I thought was lucky, is actually cursed?

It's not that simple, you see.

Oh, mi scusi, one more time, per favore.

Wait, so...

My love life is the victim of an ancient curse?

That explains so, so much.

Yeah!

That necklace is the reason that Jessie and I are not a couple.

Hmm, it's not even on the first page of reasons.

You know what, my dad gave me this necklace right before my first school dance.

No wonder every boy turned me down, even the guy in the coyote suit.

You mean the mascot?

No.

What about Marco?

Yeah, he's obviously into you.

Maybe you guys are right.

Marco is great, and he does seem to like me.

And her!

What!

That two-timing tour guide has a girlfriend?

Maybe I am cursed.

I'll never find true love.

We didn't have to travel all the way to the Mediterranean to find that out.

Many apologies, my friends, for all the interruptions.

Oh, Jessie, you have a cute vein on your forehead going boom-boom-boom.

Yeah, that means I either want to smack someone, or it's going to rain.

Come on, kids, let's get back to the boat.

Jessie, don't you want to hear the end of the necklace story?

Yeah, maybe there's a way to break the curse.

Right, I mean, you don't want to end up like Ravi.

Hey!

I will have you know I have been chatting with a very cute girl online.

Her screen name is Catfish.

Yeah. I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

All right. Fine.

We'll let Marco finish his story.

While he still has his teeth.

So... Where were we?

Can't I just throw this cursed necklace away?

Or trade it in for store credit at Abercrombie and Witch?

No!

There's only one way to lift the curse.

You must place it in the Cave of Cursicus Reversicus.

The name's a bit on-the-nose, but so is the word fireplace, and no one has a problem with that.

But first, you must get past the vicious lion that guards the entrance.

(Sighs) Why does it always have to be a lion?

We're gonna need some gladiators.

But where are we gonna find big, brave gladiators on a moment's notice?

Hey, ladies!

Whatus uppus?

Would scrawny, smelly gladiators do?

Remember, you must go to the back of the cave and place the necklace on the marble altar.

Then wait for a large puff of smoke, which means the curse has been reversed.

We think.

Nobody's ever made it out of there alive.

But, hey, there's always a first time.

Huh. Thank Jupiter!

It appears the lion is not here.

(Lion roaring)

Huh. Um...

Caves don't usually burp, do they?

Okay, I need you guys to go in there and lure out the lion so I can sneak in.

Who, us?

Yes, you.

That's what gladiators do, battle lions.

And tigers. And bears.

Oh my!

Well, I never thought I would miss cleaning up human excrement, yet here we are.

Here kitty, kitty, kitty...

(Lion roaring)

(Both screaming)

Wow, I've never seen two guys in skirts run that fast.

(Sighs) Okay.

I'm going in.

Let me know if the lion finishes his lunch and comes back for dessert.

I really hope this works.

I don't want to live the rest of my life without true love.

I'd just be happy to get some bread without maggots.

(Gasps) I thought those were raisins.

I don't see the lion anymore.

Do you think we lost it?

(Lion growling)

(Both shriek)

No. I do not.

(Both screaming)

Okay.

I just inhaled a bonfire, and stepped in what I think was my second cousin.

But on the bright side, the curse is reversed.

Congratulations!

We knew you could do it!

(Lion roaring)

(All screaming)

Hunkio? Hottia!

Guards! Fetch the foot eating tiger!

I hope he didn't get too full on thief.

No, Father, wait!

Suddenly, I love Hottia again and I've missed her desperately.

You what?

Ha! In your face, Berteus!

Please don't hurt me.

Hottia, I know I said some terrible things to you and, honestly, I still do not know why.

But I did not mean any of it.

I want to marry you, if you will still have me.

Of course I will.

(Gasps)

(All cheering)

A thousand blessings on your house!

Babooshio!

Oh, and we can even honeymoon at Caesar's Palace.

Great! I have a coupon for the buffet. Oh!

Yeah! Stupid curse reversing cave.

I have got to have that thing filled in.

And fire that lion.

Oh, Hottia, I cannot wait to spend the rest of our lives together.

And thanks to modern medicine, that could be as much as three more years.

So, the curse was lifted?

That can't be true. You must have told the story wrong.

Oh, no, signorina.

This is the most famous story in all of Capaldi.

And also the only one not involving a magical zucchini.

Okay, my necklace must be cursed.

How else can you explain my miserable love life?

Maybe it's those earrings you always wear.

You think my earrings are cursed, too?

No. They're just tacky.

I am sure you exaggerate, signorina.

Give me one example of why your love life is so horrible.

(Scoffs) Do not get her started.

You'll wish you were eaten by a lion.

Here's a great example.

You!

I thought you were this amazing, sweet guy, and then I find out you have a girlfriend.

What? No, no, I do not have a girlfriend.

Oh, Marcella, my little sister.

She came home for the Festa.

Oh!

I am so sorry.

I'm just not used to seeing siblings get along.

Last April Fools', Zuri framed Luke for a diamond heist.

Can I get you two anything to eat or drink?

Or perhaps carry you both around in a giant baby bjorn?

You know what, Bertram?

Relax for a while.

This is your vacation too.

Absolutely.

We realized we were being just like that mean emperor, Berteus.

I'm sorry. Me too.

That's very nice of you.

Thank you.

But we draw the line at cutting your toenails.

(Chuckles awkwardly)

Okay, Ravi, the girls are watching us.

We can't be wimps!

I am not a wimp.

I am just a sensitive soul with sensitive soles.

Hey, just remember those gladiators.

When in doubt, run!

(Both screaming)

Guys, that was amazing!

You were so brave! And broiled.

That smell isn't the grilled calamari.

It's us!

Do not make a big deal of this in front of the girls, but we need immediate medical attention.

I'd call for help, but I'm pretty sure the village ambulance is just a donkey with some Christmas lights wrapped around it.