05x06 - Halloween

[bunniefuu]

Halloween is so fun.

I just love seeing all the little superheroes before they can pronounce their (Lisping) S's.

(Lisping) I'm Thuperman, and... and my Thithter's name ith Thpider-man.

(Laughs)

Good morning, lovely ladies.

Yo. Hey.

Don't you mean, (Spookily) Ghoul morning?

Why didn't I walk straight to the car?

Honey, listen. I'm gonna need you to come home a little early.

I can't decorate all by myself, and the girls have plans.

I had plans 25 years ago.

Guess who messed that up.

Oh, I'm going to the range to sh**t at stuff, and they're gonna dress up the targets to look like werewolves.

Before they transform or after they transform?

'Cause before they transform, you're actually sh**ting people.

And now that I'm finally legal, I can go to costume parties at bars and not have my costume be the person whose picture is on my fake I.D.

Don't worry, mom, I'll be responsible.

Oh, please.

By midnight, you'll be puking through the eyeholes of your Hello Kitty mask.

Ah, joke's on you.

I'm going as "sexy pope," so I'll be puking into my hat.

Wow. Everybody in hell will think that's hysterical.

Sometimes I hate Halloween. Why don't we just skip it?

No, we are doing Halloween, Mike, and do you know why?

Girls, you're gonna see a rare event here... I'm gonna lose an argument 'cause your mom is holding the Halloween Tr*mp card...

Boyd.

That's right, and we love our grandson...

Mm-hmm.

...so as long as Boyd is coming to this house, we are gonna scare the hell out of him.

You got me, there.

As long as he's coming to this house.

Why did you repeat what I just said?

I talked to Ryan.

He's not letting Boyd come to this house.

What? Why not?

I don't know.

But something about the slaughter of innocent pumpkins.

I don't know.

I don't listen to him, but that way we don't have to do Halloween.

No, no, no. No, no.

Even if Boyd isn't coming, it is still Halloween...

Honey, honey, honey.

...And we can give out candy to kids in their cute little costumes and... and see the excitement on their little faces.

Mom, it's over.

Yeah.

Have some dignity.

Honey, we got no skin in this game.

Tonight's a perfect night to watch a different game... the Michigan Wolverines play the Minnesota Golden Gophers.

But I already bought all the candy.

Well, just give it to dad.

He steals the good stuff and hides it anyway.

You can't steal stuff that you pay for.

What happened to you?

You... you used to love dressing up and... and scaring the trick-or-treaters and now this.

What?

I'm sorry, I'm just not ready for my husband to turn into some grumpy old man.

I don't think it makes me a grumpy old man because I don't like a bunch of damn kids trampling over through my yard.

(Doorbell rings)

I got it.

Hey, Chuck. Hey, trick-or-treat.

Honey, it's our first trick-or-treater.

It's... it's all the Pips.

Hi, Chuck.

Hey, how you doing?

Good.

I'm gonna leave this candy with you.

It's laced with marijuana.

Oh, I get it. I get it.

Funny black guy giving me dr*gs.

Get a funky sweater... Bill Cosby?

It's from your dad's pot shop.

I gave him a ride to the airport.

On the way, he remembered he can't take that on the plane.

I'll put it in my g*n safe.

Look at that... dr*gs and g*ns.

I'm definitely a libertarian.

See you're getting ready for the big night.

Carol's pretty excited, too.

I know, I know. We're both gonna be witches.

Oh, so no costumes this year?

Carol wants me to be Denzel.

I guess a decorated marine can't compete with a fake alcoholic pilot.

Oh, come on, Chuck. Don't you want to dress up?

I'm a grown man!

I just want to put on my Gopher head and watch Minnesota b*at the hell out of Michigan.

You are a Minnesota fan. That's right.

We should watch the game together.

No, no, no, no. I'd love to see a Gopher cry.

Come on, really.

Well, you're not watching it here.

Why not?

This house is doing Halloween.

Great. My place then.

I got cable just like you, except I don't watch redneck fishing, redneck hoarding, or redneck storage spaces.

Why do you have cable?

Thank you.

Ed: Hey.

Happy Halloween, Ed.

Yeah, it's a great holiday, but, you know, it's really best when the kids are little.

The smiles on their faces... well, it's... it's just magical.

It's magical.

Mr. Alzate, is it all right if I knock off a little early today?

I have kids.

Again with the kids?

And you also have a job.

Please, finish unloading the truck.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, there's nothing like seeing the excitement on a kid's face on Halloween.

Cherish these days with Boyd, now.

Kris, please tell me these guys in costume aren't waiters at the restaurant.

I don't want people serving wild game around here with a hatchet in their head.

I told everyone "no costumes."

I already sent the Flash home to change, which was over an hour ago, so I guess he broke character.

I do not like to see our employees in costume.

(As Ed) Couldn't agree more, Mikey.

You know, but if, uh, one of our employees, like say, I don't know, Kyle, were to come in costume, we could let it slide, right?

Well, I suppose we're going to have to.

By the way, Mikey, love the Vlog.

Another home run.

We haven't posted it yet, Kyle.

Oh, I guess I only thought you had 'cause I'm old.

Isn't that what you're always saying about me?

(Chuckles) Because you are old.

Yep, I'm old.

So I just smile like the proud Basque I am... never showing my true feelings, never letting anyone in, which is kind of sad when you think about it, so I don't.

And the cycle continues.

Uh, when Ed sees this, we may have an employee with a hatchet in his head.

(Normal voice) What are you talking about?

I don't think Ed's gonna think this is all that funny.

Oh, I don't know.

I-I think he'll see past the silly beard and the silly no hair and see it for what it is... okay.

...a loving tribute to a great man.

I don't know.

If it were me, I'd punch you in the face.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

What do we have here?

D-d-d-don't tell me. Don't tell me.

A zombie, huh?

You're one of those things that was dead, but then it comes back to life and still looks like it's dead.

Nope. I'm not a zombie.

I'm actually...

Don't tell him. Don't tell him. Don't tell him.

Don't tell him. Don't tell him.

I'm you.

Ugh. You told him.

Me?

That's supposed to be me?

That's...

I love it. I love it. I love it!

I l... (Laughs) Look at that.

(Spookily) This is your reward for making it through the gauntlet of horror.

We were going to make it a lot scarier, but we didn't want to frighten the really little kids...

And we opened the wine. (Laughs)

Sorry... magic potion.

Ah, did you see the excitement on all their little faces?

Yeah. I mean, what could possibly be better than this?

College football game, according to our husbands.

You know, two grown men sitting alone in a dark room...

Yeah. It just seems so sad.

Touchdown!

Penalty!

Bringing it back!

(Laughs)

So sad.

Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming.

I mean, Chuck never wants to do anything new.

I tried to sign us up for cooking class, swing dance.

Huh, I'm surprised Chuck would need dance lessons.

Really? Why?

Well, he just must have great rhythm.

You know, b-because he was... he was a marine and... and...

I mean, they... they march, so...

You can stop.

Oh, thank you.

(Laughs)

Oh, gosh.

You know, Mike has become pretty set in his ways, too.

For example, in the bedroom...

Oh, my God. Stop.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I meant, uh, the decorating.

He freaked out when he saw it was different.

Mm.

Yeah, but just so you know, the other bedroom stuff... got no complaints.

Oh.

(Chuckles)

If we gonna talk about that bedroom stuff, I'm going to need some more magic potion.

Oh.

I don't know, Carol. What are we gonna do?

This can't be the way things are for the rest of our lives.

Yeah, this is how it should be for the rest of our lives...

Cold beer, good football game, a neighbor... who I'm neutral about Yeah, I think it's great we've reached an age where we can simplify.

My wife doesn't get that. For instance, in the bedroom...

Time out, brother.

No, no, no.

I mean, when I got back from the road this time, she changed everything in the bedroom.

Oh. Like, everything.

Carol signed us up for cooking classes.

(Scoffs) I'd have gone, too, except then I'd know how to cook...

And there goes a perfectly good excuse.

(Doorbell rings)

Did you order more pizza?

No, but you know what? I was thinking about it.

Maybe these smartphones are getting too smart.

We've got a line of trick-or-treaters out there.

Someone covered my porch with Jack-o'-lanterns.

It was the wives.

You just start enjoying something... they ruin it.

Just like in the bedroom.

(Doorbell ringing)

Don't open that door.

You... you'll unleash a hell storm of little Disney characters and Batmans.

You will not be able to control it.

Don't open the... oh!

Together: Trick or treat.

The ladies across the street said you were giving out the good stuff.

Oh. They did, did they?

You know what?

They're right.

"World's greatest mom." Here you go.

And, uh, oh!

Yeah, enjoy that women today magazine, tiny nerd.

I see what we're doing.

Is this the wife's?

Oh, not anymore.

Well, look at that.

Now you got a master's degree from Howard University.

OMG, I did such a good job on your makeup!

I could get a job working in Hollywood, you know, if they ever make a movie about Ed.

(As Ed) Makeup?

I don't know what you're talking about, little lady.

Ugh! No, no, no.

I don't want you to kiss me when you look like that.

I would feel like I was cheating on you with future you.

And I don't want future you to be into young chicks.

(Normal voice) Yeah, but y-you know it's just me.

Yeah, my ears do, but my eyes don't and I hate it when they get confused.

It's like when I see that movie with all the talking toys and I keep thinking I hear my dad's voice.

(As Ed) (Grunts) Hey, there, Frankie.

You know, seeing you bust your hump here every day reminds me of my old man.

I could cry.

But I won't, because real men don't feel things.

Who am I kidding? Bring it in here, buddy.

Hey, Ed.

Still enjoying Kyle's impersonation of you?

No.

He's hugging all the employees.

He's opening up both of us to a lawsuit.

Let me help you with that.

I may be old, but I'm strong.

It's all the jazz dancing.

What the hell is he talking about?

Teenage girls jazz dance. I salsa.

Close your eyes or your wish won't come true.

That's it. Okay. Okay.

So, I'm a damn genie now, huh?

Nice costume, Kyle.

This is a workplace. Party's over.

That was a brilliant idea, Carol...

Sending those trick-or-treaters over to the guys.

(Laughs) Thank you. Yeah.

In my sorority days, I was the big prankster.

Yeah, yeah, one time at a party, I got everyone's attention and I said, "Hey! Hey! We're all out of sloppy Joes!"

And I said, "just kidding. There's plenty back there."

(Laughs) Yeah, you told me that.

That's why I figured I should take the lead on this.

Hmm, you know, it's been pretty quiet.

I wonder where all those trick-or-treaters are.

Well, maybe it's too important to you.

You know, kids can smell desperation.

There's plenty of kids out there, but they're just walking by.

Lady.

Uh, this has Chuck written all over it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This is actually a great thing.

Our husbands fired back.

Hey, maybe they're not dead inside.

Yeah. Well, we've got to keep this going.

The ball is in our court.

No, no, no, no, no. You mean, in my court.

Because this is a job for the Delta Delta Delta prankster prankster prankster.

(Chuckles) Looks like the wives brought lady in.

Ah, it's not over. Vanessa will call at any minute and say, "Uh, we're out of sloppy Joes."

Hey...

Chuck, you might want to watch this.

(Sighs) Man, you're on the 6-yard line, about to score.

Why would I want to see that?

So you can see what it looks like when I'm happy.

Here we go.

Quick shovel pass and they're gonna be in there.

In there! (Static crackles)

Woman: Ronald, I'm pregnant.

Why did you change the channel?

I didn't change the channel.

Well, look at this. Well, I wasn't...

(Laughs)

Oh, that was perfect!

You changed the channel right when the pass was in the air!

Chuck was so condescending when he set up this phone control of the DVR.

"It's technology. How about you leave it to me?"

How about I stick it to you?

Yeah! (Both laugh)

I don't know what happened, but I fixed it.

Get off my back.

All right, all right, all right.

Got another sh*t at it... another sh*t.

A little rollout. Maybe just a little rollout.

Watch this. Goes... go... (Static crackles)

Man: Are you sure the baby's mine, Andrea? I will not help you raise another man's baby.

For the love of God, what's happening?

I don't...

(Both laugh)

Lifetime...

Television for women who want to mess with their husbands!

Please tell me you didn't tell her how to program this from her phone.

No way. It's technology. I told her to leave it to me.

We should have never engaged them...

Or got engaged to them... see how that turned out.

Well (Clears throat) It's half time.

We got 20 minutes to figure out how to get back at them.

What would you rather do, get back at them or enjoy the rest of the game?

(Knock on door)

Hey, Mr. Alzate.

I'm finished for the day. I was thinking I might take off.

Fine.

You know, I-I'm sorry if my impression upset you today.

I-I'm still working on the voice.

That's not what pissed me off.

(As Ed) That's not what pissed me off.

Please, stop working on the voice, all right?

The whole thing was insulting.

(Normal voice) I didn't mean it to be.

It was meant to be a tribute.

A tribute?

Oh, that's why everybody was laughing, huh?

"Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful if Ed was nice?

Ah, Hardy Hardy Hardy. Yeah, yeah."

But you are nice.

No, Kyle, I'm not.

I wanted to be.

(Groans)

Yeah, I'd always promised myself I'd be exactly like Mr. Finch.

He was my first boss.

I loved him. Everybody loved him.

I mean, you had any problems at work or with your girl, you go to Mr. Finch.

Yep.

Yeah, he was a caring man.

You're like that.

Well, maybe I used to be, but, you know...

It's a tough business. You have to make hard decisions.

You know, you fire enough guys with... with families, you have to convince yourself that it doesn't hurt.

Then one day, it doesn't.

There's a positive.

Kyle, go home. Go ahead.

All right, but if I only get to be you for a few more minutes...

Yeah... I've got something I want to say.

I may tell people that being tough doesn't hurt anymore, but it does.

Or else I wouldn't have gotten so mad at that loveable goofball who was dressed like me all day.

Okay, Kyle.

And now the Ed I am would hug you and we'd cry.

And the Ed I am would punch you and you'd cry.

How about this?

You're a good man, Ed.

You're a good man, too, Ed.

Oh, come on with that.

Is it weird this feel so right?

Way to k*ll your moment, kid.

(Sighs) Hey, ladies.

Hey, what are you guys doing back so early?

Don't you want to see how the game ends or if Ronald gets back together with Andrea?

Look, we just want to watch the game.

You know, you win. You win. We just want peace.

Oh, everybody wants peace, honey, you know, when you're losing.

Let us finish watching the game.

And next Halloween, we'll be all over it.

I'll be Denzel and... and I won't even ask you to be Halle Berry.

But I won't stop you.

(Laughs)

What do you think, Carol? Should we let them off the hook?

I don't know.

Well, w-what if I sweeten the deal by saying... Chuck will go dancing with you?

Done.

Hey!

How'd you figure out the phone/DVR thing, anyway?

YouTube. You better watch out.

Saw a video on how to sew a grown man into a bedsheet.

(Chuckles) Okay, let's go, Mike.

But be prepared... my Gophers are a second-half team. (Doorbell rings)

Explains why they did so badly first half.

Hey.

Trick or treat!

You guys need to talk to the witches.

Ooh, you look so scary!

Ooh. Eve, honey, we're running low on candy!

Seriously? I just dumped a bag in there like five minutes ago.

You used the candy from that bag?

Yeah, I found it in your g*n safe.

Holy crap.

Why were you in my g*n safe?

Well, I went to the range, remember?

I was putting my p*stol back.

Sorry I gave away your candy stash.

Holy crap!

What's the big deal?

That's the candy I got from Mike's dad.

It was laced with marijuana.

So it really was a stash.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

We gave marijuana to children.

We're dealers!

I-I was never here.

Not too many drug pushers get into West Point.

Where are you going?

We've got to get that stuff back!

So you're literally gonna take candy from babies.

Sweetie, let me get a look inside that bag.

No.

Just a little peek.

Just a little peek!

For God's sake, give me the bag!

Witches are taking my candy! Witches are taking my candy!

What are you doing with my master's diploma?

(Siren wails)

Uh-oh.

(Police radio chatter)

(Gasps) Oh, my God.

Carol, uh, you do the talking.

Cops make me nervous.

They make you nervous?

Hey, fellas, what can we do for you?

We've had some very disturbing reports about tainted candy being handed out in this area.

Is this your house?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yes, it is, uh, uh, officer... Schlumbrecht, is it?

Gosh, that is such a pretty name.

Vanessa, give it a rest.

Just a misunderstanding. Nothing really was going on here.

Step back, sir.

I'm not doing anything.

I'm just explaining what's going on.

You want to talk about this down at the station?

No. No, I don't want to...

Hey, hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. -Aren't you guys overreacting?

You want to go with him, sir?

Maybe I do!

Chuck!

No, you got to have a warrant. We have rights here.

It was us, officer.

We... we... we gave out the pot candy.

She's right. It was us.

Mainly her.

So your husbands had absolutely nothing to do with this?

No, no, no. They were just trying to enjoy the game.

Yes, we were just trying to enjoy the game.

Wait. Why did you just repeat what I said?

Because you didn't do anything wrong, except mess with the wrong guys!

(Laughter)

What?

What?!

That's right! W-we set up the whole thing.

These two officers moonlight for my security company.

Thanks, guys.

No problem.

Call me.

I texted Eve. I told her to take the candy out of the g*n safe.

Well, where is the pot candy now?

The candy never left the safe.

Yeah.

You should have seen the look on your face, mom.

Okay.

(Sighs) You were right. Halloween is great.

Priceless.

(Laughing) "The witches are taking my candy!

The witches are taking my candy!"

Okay. Okay, fine. You two got us.

But at least we got you guys off of the couch.

And remember what you said... next Halloween we go all-out.

Oh, you silly witch. Those were terms for peace!

We won the w*r.

Back to the game.

That's right.

(Whistles) That's it.

Come on. Everybody out.

Go home. Enjoy Halloween with your families.

Come on. Go. Come on.

(As Ed) You heard me.

Wow. You're getting better.

And if any of you are having problems at work or with your girl, you come see me.

Dennis, what are you still doing here?

You've got kids.

Yeah, well, I also have a job.

Not anymore.

What?

I meant tonight. Go home.

You're done. Enjoy the kids.

Go ahead. I'll finish unloading the truck.

I'm still strong enough... From jazz dancing.

(Normal voice) You see that? You are nice.

Mm. When I said, "I'll finish it," I meant you.

Come on.