05x10 - The Puck Stops Here

[bunniefuu]

Okay, everything is all set for my ski trip with Kyle.

Yeah, honey, listen, it's gonna be a pretty warm weekend.

You're gonna be skiing in slush.

I think it'll be fine.

Don't worry about it.

I hate to see you stuck in a room all weekend.

Um, you know what?

I'm pretty sure Kyle is bringing a deck of cards.

You know, I'll call Arapahoe.

They probably have snow at altitude...

Mom, it's not that kind of a ski trip.

Oh. You know, if you really loved me, you'd lie to me.

I just tried.

Bye! Love you.

Hey, Eve! (Groans)

How was school?

Awful.

Why can't my chemistry teacher go cook meth and die in a hail of b*ll*ts?

Eve, you know I'm only up to season four!

Sorry. I just... I just hate chemistry.

It has nothing to do with life.

Uh, except that it is the basis of all life.

Uh, but as you kids say, whatevs.

Okay, I know I'm gonna regret saying this, but is there any possible way you could...

Tutor you in chemistry?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Okay. That regret came quick.

Everybody always goes to your father for help, but not this time, and you want to know why?

Because science is my domain.

Yeah...

That, and when I went to go ask dad, he said, "talk to mom."

He knows that science is my domain.

(Laughs) Hey, guys.

Hey! Hey, how was hockey practice, my little goon?

Really, really, really bad.

Oh, yeah, I've had practices like that, where I'm struggling, and I get to see how hard sports are for everyone else.

It passes.

Hey, honey, why is... Why is Boyd so upset?

Probably the looming debt crisis.

Or the fact that his coach was arrested in front of all the players today. (Gasps)

Coach Boggs?

Mm-hmm.

He was arrested.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I could see that.

Apparently, he refused to pay his taxes.

Mm. Well, we all talk about doing that, but that son of a g*n actually did it.

Well, that's probably why he had the money to sponsor the team.

How dare that maniac use his money to enrich the lives of little Denver kids when he could be sending his money to be wasted in Washington.

Problem is, we have no coach now.

Why don't you get one of the other parents to coach?

What other parent's gonna coach?

Well, what about Ryan? He could coach.

Oh, there's a good idea.

Yeah.

And we could get the Dalai Lama to lead Seal Team Six.

Wait a minute. Wait, wasn't he... wasn't he, like, an all-star hockey player in high school?

Yeah, but he's like soft serve.

He just oozes out of the nozzle.

Hey, look.

You want Boyd to play on a team?

Unless you can think of somebody better, I think Ryan's your best bet.

(Groans) I have to ask Ryan to coach a team.

I'm afraid I'll end up in his feelings journal.

Ah, my favorite Canadian.

Hey. And here come the jokes.

Oh, no jokes here. I love Canada.

We'll never build a wall up there.

Sorry to hear about Boyd's coach getting busted for tax evasion?

Yeah, we're actually gonna hold a car wash to try and raise $635,000.

Otherwise, no coach.

Which is the reason why I asked you down here.

I want you to look around, and pick out somebody in this room that you think could coach Boyd's hockey team.

And it can't be Chuck, me, or any of my employees.

Oh, no. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, while it is true I am pretty great on the blades, I would rather use these smooth moves... to teach Boyd something a little less competitive, like figure skating.

Yeah, something gentle, like Tonya Harding did.

Kneecapping.

Not cool.

Look, as much as I'd like my grandson to star in the ice capades, he likes ice hockey.

My dad coached me, okay?

Fathers coaching sons...

(Deep voice) Not cool.

Is that your imitation of Chuck?

Not good.

What's the real problem here?

It just gets weird, okay?

The kids think that the father's favoring the son and that's why I never felt like one of the guys.

So now's your chance to become one.

Coach the team. Why me?

I mean, you can get anyone to coach little kids, okay?

It doesn't take a genius to run a power play or call a line change or devise a neutral zone trap that David Blaine couldn't escape.

See, it doesn't take a genius.

Right up your alley.

You know what, Mike? I'll do it.

Great. One condition...

I want you to be tough on those kids.

You keep that tofu in the dairy case.

Hockey's a red meat sport.

(Laughs) Oh, Michael.

You would never put tofu in the dairy case.

Leave all your huggy, organic crap outside the rink, okay?

You know what? I'll coach the way I coach.

Just spitballing here, but we want just the opposite of that.

You know, why are we even having this conversation? We don't have a sponsor?

Oh, yeah, we do. Huh?

I had these made up already.

Look at that.

"Outdoor Man Predators."

All right, it's a little rough for a vegan.

Just pretend that they're hunting truffles.

♪

All right, let's try it again.

You know what they say... Seventh time's the charm.

(Sighs)

If the PH balance is correct, the strip will turn blue.

Ah, pink. Damn it, it's another girl!

That's what your dad said when he saw Mandy's ultrasound.

This kept happening to Scott and I when we were doing the experiment in class.

Oh, who's Scott? My lab partner.

He's a great lacrosse player, but when it comes to chemistry...

He's a great lacrosse player.

Well, you can't blame it on him.

He's not here.

He's not the one who titrated that thiosulfate.

Mother, I will burn you with this acid.

(Laughs)

Good luck. That's a base, but I think it's adorable you thought it was an acid.

That's it. I quit.

That was what your dad said when he saw your ultrasound.

Look...

It's the scientific method. It's trial and error.

You test something, it doesn't work, you try something else.

Save it, Bill Nye.

Ah! Ah!

An ambassador of science who rocks a bow tie.

I will take that as a compliment!

Hey, hey. Hi.

How'd the game go?

Crushed 'em like some cheap tin cans, man.

8-0... that other team was crying like a bunch of little kids.

Turns out Ryan is a really good coach, you know?

Huh.

What are we having for dinner?

So he wasn't all "soft serve"?

No, no, no.

Who would have thought that a vegan who knits could be such a tough coach, you know?

Are we having meth? What are we eating here?

So asking him was a smart suggestion, huh?

Is there a "you were right, honey" in my future?

Depends on who else calls you honey.

Mm.

Ryan: I told you before, okay?

You are not Wayne Gretzky yet.

You still have to back-check. Easy.

No, I'm not gonna go easy.

If he's gonna play the game, he's gonna play the game right.

See what I mean? This is good.

You know what? Grab your stick, set up the net.

We're gonna do have a half-hour of wrist sh*ts.

Let's go. Come on! (Claps) Let's go.

Yeah! You, uh, are you happy with that, Mike?

Yeah, if he had a better wrist sh*t, it might have been 9-0.

Nice going, dad.

He was riding him like that the whole drive here.

I mean, you turned my sweet husband into a loud-mouthed jerk.

Thanks a lot.

What are you thanking me for? It was her idea.

You were right, honey.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

You know what gets a bad rap?

Yelling!

That probably startled you because you don't hear much of it anymore, unless you're sitting in front of an old couple at the movie theatre.

"I'm going to the lobby for some Mr. Pibb!

It tastes just like Dr. Pepper!"

Nowadays, no one's allowed to raise their voice.

Even when your kid screws up, you're not supposed to yell.

When I was growing up, any adult at any time could yell at you.

Hell, they could even hit you with your parents' blessing.

But now, even youth coaches are being discouraged from yelling at their players, and who is paying the price?

All of us.

Because uncoachable kids become unemployable adults.

So please, youth coaches of America, yell at your players!

Then maybe some day, the rest of us won't have to.

(Laughs) Hey.

Hallelujah, Mikey!

Someone has to have the guts to tell grown men to yell at little children.

Coaching is so important for kids.

We used to have this wonderful coach.

He made run the stairs till we threw up, then made us mop it up, then run the stairs with the buckets.

Father O'Connell is a terrific guy.

Sounds like Ryan has the Predators doing what Predators do...

k*lling. That's right.

With Outdoor Man emblazoned on the chest of the victors as they stand over their vanquished third-grade foes.

I've always wanted Ryan to show some toughness, or anything an anthropologist would identify as male behavior.

Man, I loved playing hockey.

A black man from Minnesota plays hockey.

You're a walking stereotype.

Hey, guys. Hey, Ryan.

I heard the team is doing great, man.

Congratulations. Thanks.

Yeah, they sure are.

I got a great idea.

I say we print up some t-shirts with one of those hard-ass hockey catchphrases you bark at the kids.

Hit me with one.

I quit.

Hit me with another one.

No, I'm... I'm serious, Mike. I'm quitting.

Look, Kristin and I talked about it, and I-I just really don't like who I've become.

A winner?

You'll get used to that.

No, my father.

That's the real reason I didn't want to get into this.

As a coach, all he did was yell.

That's what coaches do, is yell until their voices give out.

That's why they gave them whistles.

I had a coach throw a shoe at me.

Kid was still in it.

I promised myself I would never be like that, okay?

My dad's the reason I stopped playing, and I don't want to ruin hockey for Boyd.

You won 8-0. You're not ruining it for Boyd.

You're ruining it for the kids on the other team.

I'm sorry.

I just can't do it, okay? I quit.

You can say that as many times as you want, I'm not putting that on a t-shirt.

(Sighs)

Sounds like you're a sponsor without a coach.

Yeah, I mean...

(Stammering)

You know, Chuck...

This is gonna sound like I don't have another alternative...

(Laughs) Why not?

The world just might be ready for a black hockey coach.

♪

Hi.

Hey. How was skiing?

If you remember, it really wasn't about skiing.

In my mind, it was...

And in your father's, which is why I hid those skis you left behind.

Aww, thank you.

That's so nice.

Ehh, are we having fondue? Because I say fon-don't.

It's not fondue. It's an experiment.

Eve and her lab partner are having trouble with chemistry.

You know, I don't know if he's lazy or just dumb.

Or hot.

(Scoffs) You know, Mandy, you always think it's about a boy.

It's always about a boy, mom.

That's why you had to hide my skis.

You know, that is an interesting hypothesis.

Yeah, use all the nerd words you want.

The subject is love.

Chuck: (Laughs)

Hey! How'd you guys do?

We tied.

Yeah!

Vanessa: Wow!

The perfect ending!

Nobody's feelings got hurt!

What kind of a marine are you?

This isn't w*r.

This is kid's hockey.

You should have seen those little guys...

Racing one way, then racing the other way.

Vanessa: Aww.

(Laughs)

So it sounds like everybody had a good time.

Yeah, why focus on winning?

Just gets in the way of racing one way and racing the other way.

Come on.

Hey, Vanessa's right, man!

It should be about fun, and nobody had more fun than this little guy, am I right, boy?

Yeah.

Yeah! (Laughs)

Undefeated, unstoppable! Unhurt feelings!

Say hi to your wife. All right.

Okay, this is great.

I think everyone is happier now that Chuck is coaching the team.

I want to quit.

Oh, looky there.

He's picked up his dad's catchphrases.

Mike: (Laughs)

Nothing says, "I quit something" like continuing to do it.

That would have made a great slogan for one of those old cigarette commercials, huh?

Why did you want to quit?

'Cause we didn't win.

Well, you can have just as much fun when you tie.

Yeah, I didn't believe it when I said it, either.

Is coach Larabee a good coach?

He's really nice.

That would be a "no."

Why can't my dad coach us?

Because a lot of people think it upsets you when he yells.

I don't care.

He just wanted to win, like I do.

If I could get your dad to coach, would you play again?

Do you think you can?

Of course I can.

I like to win, too.

I'm your grandpa.

Where do you think you get it from?

Oh, way to look over there.

Stop!

Huh?

♪

Where's all the lab stuff?

Have you finally given up on me?

No.

Today, we are going to talk about the practical applications of the scientific method.

Hmm, well, this should be quick.

Sit.

Why would Eve, who is very smart, be struggling in a class?

I pose this hypothesis. Mm-hmm.

If Eve's ability to focus has been compromised, then perhaps, she is attracted to her lab partner, Scott.

Hmm...

I've got a good one.

If Eve's mother is annoying, then Eve will leave the room.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I did my research on the Facebook... and confirmed that Scott is indeed a very handsome lacrosse player.

I have another hypothesis.

A grandma going on the Facebook to check out high school seniors is creepy!

I also noticed that you liked Scott's post supporting g*n control, unusual for a girl who can assemble an M16 with her eyes closed.

I only liked that he has an opinion on such an important issue.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Continuing my research, I contacted Cammy to see if she thinks Scott is cute.

Okay, now I have to move.

Why would you do that?

Control group.

But I still felt I needed one more piece of evidence to prove my hypothesis.

Like what?

(Singsong) Eve likes Scott.

Eve likes Scott.

(Normal voice) Ha! You blushed!

(Chuckles)

Hypothesis proven.

You have just been Bill Nye-ilated.

Just when I thought science couldn't get any dorkier.

Sorry, Eve. You like him.

It has been scientifically proven.

All right, fine. You got me.

So what am I supposed to do about Scott?

You know, this might surprise you, but I'm actually more concerned with what you're gonna do about chemistry.

If I just knew if he liked me or not, I could focus and ace it like all my other classes.

Well, you probably shouldn't be asking for advice from someone who hasn't had a crush in 30 years.

That is not true!

Your father and I happen to be very much in...

Oh, mom. No, I got it.

But, uh, you're gonna be happy, 'cause I'm gonna use science.

All right, the Scott formula is this...

One part laughing at his jokes, two parts sitting through boring lacrosse games, and three parts the right wardrobe.

Your clothes should be less G.I. Joe, more, "Gee, I'm a girl."

No, Eve, just be yourself.

The one thing I know Scott would respect is if you work hard and help him get through chemistry.

I appreciate it, mom. I do.

But, uh, this is sort of Mandy's domain.

Okay, we have a lot more to get through, but remember, he's more scared of you than you are of him.

He better be.

No, see, that's the sort of thing we need to work on.

I want you to come back and coach Boyd's hockey team.

We've been through this, okay?

When it comes to hockey, I'm sort of like Jekyll and Hyde.

Jekyll was a doctor.

Let's not get carried away.

I've got this Bruce banner-Hulk thing.

Again, another doctor.

You need a before-and-after that starts with a mild-mannered, stay-at-home mom-dad.

Look, I don't want to be my father, okay?

All he did was yell.

When he was coaching you.

Yes.

And at other times, too.

When you're not coaching Boyd, do you yell at him?

No, never.

Then how do you think you're like your dad?

Don't yell at me!

Your dad yelled at you because he was angry.

You yell because you're passionate about hockey.

Your kid will know the difference.

Look, I appreciate what you're saying, but I really think he's better off with Chuck.

He's not better off with Chuck.

He wants to quit.

What? Why?

Because he doesn't think coach Larabee cares, and I have to agree with him.

I've never seen a guy so happy about a tie.

My Predators tied? How could you let that happen?

Hey, don't yell at me. Yell at your team.

Coach them!

I don't think this is the best thing for Boyd and me.

Boyd will be fine.

He's got Baxter blood in him.

We don't crumple when we're getting yelled at.

Okay, what about Chuck?

Chuck's been sh*t at in Iraq.

He'll be okay being let go as a volunteer youth coach.

Boyd really wants to quit?

Yes, he really wants to quit.

Unless I coach?

Unless you coach.

All right. I'll do it.

All right!

Guess your scarf here's gonna have to wait till after the season.

Uh, "a," that is a cardigan, and, "b," I'll have it done by this weekend.

Who does the knitting around here?

Jekyll or the Hulk?

The mild-mannered, stay-at-home mom-dad. Great.

Wait, so what you're telling me is sometimes people yell at someone because they love them.

That's right.

You yell at me a lot.

(Scoffs)

Sometimes it's just yelling.

♪

Typical.

You can't fire the players, so you fire the coach.

Look. Look. I got to be honest with you.

This decision came from upstairs.

Upstairs? What... we're upstairs!

You are upstairs!

Oh, no, no, no. I mean... "Upstairs."

God told you to do it?

We talk.

But he said you could keep the hat.

There's the skipper. How's my new team?

Yeah, doing pretty well.

Although, some of the kids miss coach Larabee.

Oh, do they, now?

Yeah, apparently, he leaves Pez dispensers in the penalty box. Yeah!

Yeah, I thought it might take the sting out of getting punished.

Which is why the entire team was in the penalty box.

Yeah, with all these kids still learning the game, I really could use an assistant.

Huh? Yes.

I am back in the saddle!

Yeah!

Well, technically, you're the assistant coach.

So you're sitting on the ass of the horse with your arms around him.

Okay, so Scott is gonna make a lot of terrible jokes, and you're gonna have to laugh at them, or he'll find someone else who will.

So let's hear your fake laugh.

(Clears throat)

(Laughs)

Oh, Scott, man, you're funny.

What are you doing? What is this?

Hey, I need something. No.

Think more champagne bubbles and less like a deaf donkey, okay?

Like... (Giggles) Oh, my God.

Scott, you're so hilarious.

(Giggles) No, like a dumb baby, like...

(Both giggling)

What, uh, what are you guys fake laughing at?

I'm trying to teach Eve for when she has to talk to Scott.

Oh, oh, you mean like this?

(Giggling wildly)

Like that?

Yeah.

Where'd you learn to do that?

30 years of practice.