02x04 - Touché Maestro, Touché

[bunniefuu]

♪

[orchestra plays Lalo's "Cello Concerto"]

[dramatic accent notes]

[cello solo continues]

♪

[dramatic notes]

[end chords]

Bravo! Bravo!

[loud cheers and applause]

Bellissimo! Bellissimo!

I see you've been working on your molto sul ponticello.

And I see you've been working on some cupcakes.

[cheers and applause continues]

[loud cheers and applause]

Warren, may I say that your playing is even more supple than when I last saw you?

Wow, thank you.

I have been focusing a lot on my bow technique.

It shows.

And Dee Dee?

Hmm?

You're playing like a bearded tsunami.

I do have a lot of unchecked rage.

Bob, how is it you stay so fit?

You look great this season.

100 crunches a day.

That's how you do it.

Adagio, Andrew, adagio.

I don't want everybody feeling too good about themselves.

Ha ha. My apologies, Maestro. Gentlemen, I take back everything I just said, but may I tell you, sir, your performance tonight was magnificent.

Oh, thank you, Andrew. Thank you.

I'm so pleased that you're putting a nice, fresh coat of paint on this old vessel.

Oh, you know how it is.

I do.

I mean, when I said no to Helsinki...

Very painful...

Great show, everybody.

Maestro...

Michele, what...

Your favorite?

What? No.

I don't know what you're doing, Michele, I... I don't like cookies.

They look delicious.

May I?

Please.

I... I hope they didn't cool off too much.

Mmm. Very good. You don't know what you're missing.

Maybe, yeah, but it's okay.

I'll go do some after-show "pilatos", you know?

Just to ease the tension.

Bye-bye, Andrew. Thank you very much.

Ciao. Bye-bye.

[whispers] What are pilatos?

I don't know!

Hi.

Hey, there.

You're Hailey Rutledge, right?

Uh, yeah.

I'm Andrew Walsh.

I know.

I actually have a bootleg of you playing the "Bach Cello Suites" in Dresden.

Oh, yes. I remember that concert and the East Germans with their urtext fetish.

Yeah. [Giggles]

You think I could, uh... hear that recording sometime?

Um, yeah.

I could probably find a way to get it to you, so...

Hey.

Hi.

I bet you could.

Cyn.

Andrew.

How great to see you. You look smashing.

Oh, my God. Look at you.

Oh. [Sniffs] Mmm.

How long's it been? Too long. Three years?

Actually, I think I saw you last November.

Either way...

[giggles]

It's really great to, um... to play with you again. Finally.

I was just introducing myself to Hailey here.

Turns out her picture's on the poster outside.

Seems she's the new face of the New York Symphony.

Oh, no.

They just did that so they wouldn't have to pay for stock photography.

Great move on their part, a pretty girl who... who loves Bach. These guys know what they're doing.

That PR department sexes up the, uh... entire operation.

I'm not sure that's how they would put it.

Now, this might be a little bit forward, but do either of you care to join me to see Lang Lang play tonight?

Cyn, for old time's sake?

I can't.

Oh, okay.

Hailey, for new time's sake?

That sounds incredible, um... but...

Look, I have this meet-and-greet with these desperate donors down the hallway here.

Shostakovich. [laughs] It's a... funny word.

But I only have 15 minutes, so if you want to join me, and you should...

[singsong] it'll be fun.

[humming]

She looks good.

We're born, we decide to be musicians, we grab an instrument.

Then we grow up, and then we end up...

She looks really beautiful.

She does.

Really beautiful, yeah.

Really beautiful.

I got some toilet paper for the house.

Oh, that's great.

Are you off to the donors' event?

No, I've had four of those already this week.

I'm gonna go take in a late movie.

Good.

Clear my head.

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

What about you?

No. Me, I'm...

I don't know. One of those days, you know?

I'll see you at the house.

Okay, good.

Um, for the future, there's extra toilet paper under the sink.

Okay.

Now, there's a man who could use a ride.

Hey, Maestro.

Come on, come on.

Well, you know...

I promise I won't talk about my symphony.

Scout's honor.

Where do we put the bike?

[thud]

Two maestros in the backseat of a limo.

Sounds like the beginning of an epic joke.

[laughter]

Thank you so much, Mrs. Blowenstruth.

It is patrons like you who give my music a home.

It's your dedication...

Pardon my interruption, but this man has to get to a photo sh**t right away.

Oh, Ms. Rutledge.

I thought I told you never to interrupt me should I ever be with two or more beautiful women.

Yes, I understand, but it's an emergency photo sh**t, so...

Oh.

Yes.

Emergency.

Mm.

I'm so sorry, Mrs. Blowenstruth.

Shall we?

Of course.

Take care.

What's Lang Lang playing?

Oh, I think you'll be surprised by what he's playing.

[overlapping chatter]

Whoo!

Whoo!

Hey, what's up? My friend.

Hey, what's up, Andrew? My man.

Hey. It's been a long, long time, Lang Lang.

How you doing?

Doing good, good. How'd tonight go?

Everything good?

Oh, excellent.

How's my bud Rodrigo doing over there?

Oh, he's crushing it.

Yeah?

He's crushing it. He's retooling the whole place.

Hey, it's my pleasure to introduce the linchpin of the whole thing really, Hailey Rutledge, the brilliant oboist.

Pleasure meeting you.

Likewise, yeah.

It must be wild in the woodwind with Betty Cragdale being hurt, right?

Yes, it is...

Hey, Manny.

This level's too low.

Andrew, how are you doing? Good to see you.

You look good.

Hey, pleasure.

Holy moly. Is that Emanuel a*?

You bet it is.

I have a last point to finish.

Yeah, go finish him off.

So good, right?

Yeah.

I feel I just d*ed and went to heaven.

[laughs]

Oh, prosciutto and yogurt?

Man cannot live by cured meats and fermented milk alone.

I'm f*cking famished, and having received this...

Here, take a look, Maestro.

I thought you didn't want...

No, no, no.

You misunderstand. This is not my symphony, no.

If this were a fugue, it would be a fugue of despair composed by my wife and orchestrated by her lawyer.

These are my divorce papers presented to me just this evening.

sh*t.

A bittersweet symphony.

The Verve.

Touché, Maestro. Touché.

You know what?

Let's seize the f*cking night.

A new Tommy Pembridge for a new era.

I mean, you know, I am of course on the wagon, as you know.

I think that we could just dangle our feet over the edge and drag them right through the gravel.

Give it to me.

What do you say?

No, no, no.

No, no, no. Give me the bottle.

Would you look into my eyes?

You don't need this, Maestro.

This is poison, okay?

This is poison for you.

[whimpers]

We don't need it.

Okay?

Hmm. Mm.

No. We don't need this.

No, no.

Jesus, man.

Good save, Maestro.

Good save.

You are truly my hermano.

Well, that's what hermanos are for.

Of course.

But if you want to dangle your feet, you want to seize the moment, we might as well learn to step on each other's hands.

Forget our names.

Look into the precipice.

Look into the abyss.

Come, come, come. I've got something.

I got this from a friend from Fort Lee, New Jersey.

Oh! Jeez, smells like sh*t.

I know.

I know.

What is it?

He told me it's resin with mushroom and some kind of frog venom.

Can you smoke it?

I think you have to do it in a ritual, you know?

Like, treat it with respect and...

Mmm.

Or we could just eat it and see what happens.

Let's eat it. Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

[pop music plays]

Whoa!

f*ck.

[cheers and applause]

You're definitely on an upward trajectory.

Bravo. Bravo.

Thank you. Thank you.

All right, where were we?

Oh. So from a woman's point of view, should I call her or not?

Do you believe that that's what she wants, or does it sound like she was just saying...

I don't know. That's why... [mutters].

It's so complicated. I mean, I would just go with your instinct.

I mean, you're a great guy.

She would be crazy not to want to be with you.

Oh. Well.

Yeah, I mean... I... whatever.

[crowd whooping]

Strike. Whoo!

Uh-uh. Lang Lang.

Joshua Bell, what are you doing here?

Well, I'll tell you what I'm doing here.

I'm noticing that you foot faulted... see this line?

You're not supposed to put your foot over that line.

Come on. This... it...

Josh. Still Mr. Competitive.

Come on.

Is that Josh Bell?

I think he prefers Joshua.

You put up with this much, if at all, really...

This much makes a big difference.

It happens.

Yeah, I know, yeah, you don't have to do much...

It's just like typing, right?

With a violin, a millimeter means, you know, the difference between an F and an F sharp, and conducting is like... if you're off by a millimeter, what is that gonna do...

Come on.

We're having a good time.

Forget it. I just... just forget it.

I don't want... ah, I'm just kidding.

[dance music plays]

♪

Some people think that in order to play the piano really well, what you need to do is keep your fingers limber, but that's not true at all.

It's the feet.

Horovitz used to say, "If my feet don't walk, my fingers don't run."

And he was a pretty great pianist.

Well, hasn't helped so far.

I don't think it's working.

I don't feel a thing.

Maybe it's 'cause I have a tolerance to it through years of hard, hard living.

Or maybe it's just my good old English blood.

You know... [grunts] my ancestors can be traced back to the Battle of Hastings, 1066.

Take a... take a seat, Maestro.

Take a seat.

Oh, thank you.

There's a game I used to play when I was a kid.

I give you a name, a theme, a something.

An image. An...

Ooh!

John Cage plays this game.

Okay. Can we start?

Okay, yeah.

Yeah.

No baton. Eight seconds.

No baton, because I don't need one.

I can use my finger. Huh?

Good.

You like that?

Yeah.

Okay.

[both humming]

Nightmares.

I get along with them.

Good.

I like them.

Good.

They look into my eyes.

I look into their eyes.

Good.

They don't blink.

Ten seconds. Exercise.

Uh, no interest.

Exercise? Walk.

At what point did you become an adult?

When I was born.

[rhythmic humming]

What about your father, though?

Yeah, he's... he's competitive in the music.

You know?

Yeah.

He used to be a mambo conductor.

You know?

Ah!

Wonderful.

[rhythmic scatting]

I would like you to teach me some really filthy words in Spanish.

Yeah.

Like "go f*ck yourself" or "go f*ck your mother" or something like that.

What about you?

Oh, my mother? She was really nice.

Yes.

Me cago en tus muertos.

What?

Me cago en tus muertos.

Me caroso...

En tus muertos.

En tus muertos.

Me cago... [mutters]

So I could say that to someone, and they...

But they will k*ll you if you say that.

Why?

Because it means "I sh*t on your dead people."

Oh. I didn't ask for that.

I know, but that's like a little f*cking more intense than... than... you wanted it more intense.

That's way more...

Very intense.

That's a shocking one.

Yeah, I know.

[both laughing]

My mother didn't really like me very much.

Was like a dagger in my... gut.

Death.

I think about it all the time, except... except... when I know that something is dying that moment.

Mm.

Like a performance.

Both: Well, you know I have to tell you... you know you are magnificent human being.

You are... and I really have to say in all honesty, I love you as a man to a man.

Hermano.

Mano.

Both: And make you follow me.

Yes.

You're even doing it with an English accent.

[laughs]

Okay, did... did I win this game?

[classical music]

[rhythm picks up]

[classical music continues]

Whoa!

Oh!

[banjo music]

♪

[background chatter]

Can I help you?

Uh... yes.

Yes.

Can I put my name down?

Yeah. What's your name?

Okay.

Um... Gloria Antoinette.

[passionate classical music]

♪

Mmm... it tickles.

Well, my free hand isn't that good, so it helps if you don't wriggle.

It's kind of relaxing.

Voilà.

Masterpiece.

Let me take a photo. Turn to me.

[passionate music continues]

♪

[female chorus sings]

[snoring]

[loud cheers and applause]

[applause dies down]

[dramatic opening chords]

[continues snoring]

[string instrument]

[dramatic chords]

[murmuring]

[end chords]

[cello playing scales]

[rushes through scales]

[begins jazzy tune]

♪

Hi.

Hey.

[giggles]

Did I wake you up?

Yeah, but it was nice.

Good.

Aw.

Hey, show me what you got.

Come here.

Yeah, you take the bow. Sit down.

Okay.

Right here.

That goes between your legs.

Okay.

You play, I'll finger.

Should be easy, right?

[off-notes]

So easy.

[giggles]

Nice, long bow. That's it.

Brilliant. Should've been recording that.

I know, right?

Mm-hmm.

What's it like to be you?

So young and talented, beautiful.

Aww. [Laughs]

Feels like you could do anything.

Yeah.

But it must be weird that you've already accomplished everything you set out to do at the young age of, um...

26.

26.

It's... staggering.

Yeah, I'm planning my midlife crisis for next summer, so I'm just trying to stay ahead of the game.

Good, good. Maybe grandkids at 30?

Mm-hmm, and blood thinners and hair thickeners.

Don't worry, I've got those in the bathroom.

Oh, good. Flat champagne.

How hot is that?

Yeah. [Laughs]

But honestly, I don't know how you do it.

Part of a big orchestra with all those rules and the bureaucracy, and all the same people every day.

Well, I kind of love the people that I work with.

I get that, but it's... where's the... where's the fire?

It's always about serving somebody else's creative vision.

That's not necessarily true.

Well, where's yours? When does Hailey come first?

Yeah. I've got fire.

I've got a lot of fire.

That I know. I know, and I get it.

To be honest with you, maybe if I had done that, things would be better.

There's a... another... different Andrew Walsh out there whose life was composed in a completely different way, and I sometimes... think about him.

[light pop music]

Hey, Pavel. How are you?

I have a Czech-style absinthe on the rocks for you.

Oh. Thanks, Sophie. You look great, by the way.

Thank you, you too.

Up next, Gloria Antoinette.

Ms. Windsor?

[low background chatter]

I'm sorry. Could I have a D please?

♪

Okay. Sorry, I... I need my note.

[clears throat]

♪ Come on to my house, my house ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you candy ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you ♪
♪ Apple and plum and an apricot too ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house, come on ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house, come on ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you ♪
♪ Figs and dates and grapes and cakes ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house, come on ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house, come on ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you candy ♪

Ow!

♪ Come on to my house, my house ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you ♪
♪ Christmas tree ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ Come on to my house ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you ♪
♪ A pomegranate ♪

[jazzy music]

♪ Come on to my house, my house, come on ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house, come on ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you ♪
♪ Peach and pear ♪
♪ And I love your hair ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house, come on ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house, come on ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you candy ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you ♪
♪ Everything ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house, come on ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house, come on ♪
♪ Come on to my house, my house ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you candy ♪

That voice is... so beautiful.

Oh, Pavel.

This is the last place I'd expect to run into someone who knows me.

I live close. This is my local bar, and I love open mic nights. You know?

I spend all day surrounded by professionals.

It relaxes me to be around amateurs.

They're still searching.

You know, Ms. Antoinette, tell me.

What are you doing here, hmm?

Searching, I suppose.

♪
♪ Come on to my house ♪
♪ Come on, come to my house ♪
♪ You know my house ♪
♪ Second from the corner ♪
♪ Little white picket fence ♪

[jazzy music continues]

[Gloria scatting]

[end notes]

[applause]

Thank you.

[applause]

[humming]

Final call for the bus to JFK.

Final call for JFK.

[continues humming]

♪

Respectfully, Maestro, we can't go to South America without you.

Wait. I... wait.

[Playing Liszt's Hungarian Rhapsody No.2]

[giggles]

[off-notes]