02x13 - Phil's Phaves

[bunniefuu]

The baby's coming out!

It's... it's a big one!

Eddie, stop pretending to be pregnant.

I'm an Uncle!

[Gasps] It's a boy!

Oh, my God. Louis did it.

He's raising his own veal.

[Computer beeps] Nope.

I accidentally went in a store that looked like it sold ice cream and got us our first family Internet computer!

Is it better than my brother-in-law's?

It is better than your brother-in-law's.

Do a search for biggie lyrics.

No, look up where rainbows end.

Hold on.

Before we touch the computer, we need to take this course first.

It's called "Mavis Beacon's introduction..."

[keyboard clacking, monitor beeps]

I just did a search for Cattleman's Ranch.

How did you do that?

[Mouse clicks]

Just type in a word, or lycos it, and if it's anywhere on the Internet, it'll come up.

Oh, look, we're mentioned on a restaurant-review site called Phil's Phaves!

[ Happy music plays]

It's a beautiful design.

[Mouse clicks]

Uh-oh.

They give out letter grades to all the restaurants.

Dad's got a...

B-minus?!

Both: That's a Chinese "f."

S02E13
Phil's Phaves

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

I don't understand.

How could Cattleman's get a B-minus?

Well, dad, maybe if you applied yourself, your grades would be higher.

Jessica: Boys, this is serious.

Why don't the dancing babies like our restaurant?

[Mouse clicks]

According to the review, this Phil guy thought the food was okay, but the ambiance was a bit dull.

Dull? Dull?

As in boring? Repetitive? Dull?

That's impossible.

I make sure Cattleman's is the funnest restaurant in town!

At least it's only on the Internet.

It's not somewhere important like a newspaper or shopping bag.

I mean, how many people could've seen it?

[Mouse clicks]

According to the counter, 149.

[Gasps] What?!

Our reputation is at stake.

Evan, write the Internet.

Tell them to take that grade down!

It's not that easy, but there is a button to contact the webmaster.

Yes. Do that.

Okay.

Ask Phil to give us another chance.

Like the real Cattlemen of the old west, we need to defend our restaurant against enemy att*ck.

[Monitor beeps]

According to this, most Cattlemen were k*lled by poor sanitation.

No more computer for today!

[Bell rings, indistinct conversations]

"Liquid swords" might be the best solo Wu-Tang album ever.

You think it's better than ODB's solo album?

Well, better than the clean for sure, not the dirty.

That's 'cause they don't call him ol' clean bastard.

Woman: Alison, get your butt in gear!

The longer you wait, the faster I have to drive, and you know that we don't have seatbelts!

I wish I could keep rapping with you, girl.

Why don't you give me a call?

On the phone?

[Chuckling] Of course, silly.

My number's easy to remember.

It's 407-555-corn.

I figured it out one day.

Hi, Eddie. [Sighs]

Hi, Reba.

I told a joke during morning announcements that I thought you would like.

Did you hear it?

Good morning, students.

Quick question... what kind of bees give milk?

Boo-bees. [Boobies]

Man: Reba!

Just announce that P.E. is indoors today!

Sorry. I missed it.

I like that you went there, though.

Um, is that my face on your trapper keeper?

Yep.

You know I have a girlfriend, right?

Alison.

I know.

I call next.

Ri-i-ight.

See you, Reba.

I hate to see him go, but I love to watch his butt.

Are you still on the computer?

I want to work on my keyboarding.

We need to monitor how many people are seeing this stain on our reputation.

Luckily, it's holding steady at 149.

You wouldn't be able to tell unless you hit the refresh button.

Refresh button?

[Mouse clicks]

[Both scream]

It went up to 154!

Oh, what if one of my enemies saw it?

Or Pete Sampras?

Have you checked your e-mail to see if they wrote back?

Mail? At this time of night?

[Mouse clicks]

You've got mail.

Well, of course it's a white guy.

Phil wrote back.

[Mouse clicks]

He says he'll give us another chance.

He's coming back to the restaurant on Wednesday.

Okay, this is our sh*t at redemption.

We need to make sure Cattleman's Ranch is funner than it's ever been...

Even if it means replacing every "c" with a backward "k."

Four... [Beep]

[Groans]

Hello. [Groans]

'Sup? [Groans]

[Dialing] 555-c-o-r-n.

[Ringing]

[Sighs]

Hello?

Hello. Who's this?

Dad?

Sweetie?

[Dialing]

Hello? Is someone on the phone?

Hello. Who's this?

This is Louis Huang. Who's this?

This is Gary Olsen.

Gary Olsen?

[Grunts]

That was a disaster.

I know. I was listening.

I hate talking on the phone.

She can't see me, and I'm like 80% body language.

She doesn't know if I'm like, "what's happening?"

Or if I'm like, "what's happening?"

So, what are you gonna do?

Man: [Echoing] Yeah.

I'm gonna make her a dope-ass mixtape!

It'll do the talking for me!

That's a great idea, Eddie.

[The Dove Shack's "Summertime in the LBC" plays]

Yo, girl.

This is your boy, E-Money... Notorious E.I.G...

E to the M.C.-Squared.

What's up, physics?

For the next 90 minutes, I'm gonna make you an audio love nest, 'cause, girl, if you're feeling this...

♪ Let me hear you say oooooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ahhhhhhh-ahh ♪
♪ Summertime in the LBC ♪

Louis: [Chuckles] Look at these fun hens just sitting here, sunglasses on, ready for the beach.

Festive hens, new staff uniforms, googly eyes on the toothpick dispenser...

No way Phil can call us dull.

[Chuckles]

Uh, Mitch? Yeah?

Your new comically small hat isn't askew enough.

It's supposed to be sitting on your head at a jaunty angle.

That angle is not jaunty.

Jauntier.

Jauntier.

Jaunty.

Hey, hey.

Boy: Hello?

Down here.

Phillip Goldstein, what are you doing here?

I have a reservation.

It's under Phil... As in "Phil's Phaves."

And I would like to sit as far away from the bear as possible.

Phillip Goldstein, the Chinese-Jewish boy who abandoned our son at the Beastie Boys concert.

I sleep well at night, if that's your next question.

Of course you sleep well. You're a child!

I thought Phil was an adult.

Probably because my writing style is straightforward and concise, like a man's.

Well, whatever our differences, it is a relief to find out it's you, just like you're finding out that this is our restaurant.

So you can gahead and change your review.

Why would I do that?

Well, you know...

I actually don't understand Chinese, but I do understand good service.

Do I have to seat myself?

More iced tea?

No, thank you.

Okay.

Um, that crayon looks stubby. Here.

Let me get you some fresh points.

No, those are fine!

Are you enjoying your "khikken" nuggets?

We changed all the c's to k's.

It's just a little fun thing we do.

Oh, I thought that was a typo.

[Sighs] This is ridiculous.

He's just gonna give us a bad review anyway.

I would never let our personal history color my review.

Oh. Mm.

That said, I'm bumping you down to a c-plus.

A c-plus?!

Did you see the sunglasses on the hens?

I didn't, because your staff was surrounding me at every moment... refilling my mug, taking my crayons.

It was a nightmare!

Nuggets were good, though.

And that's why I say that Marky Mark is the nucleus of the funky bunch.

Huh?

I made you something.

You did? What is it?

After class.

All right, now to turn our attention from the subatomic world to the state-mandated, although not state-funded, unit on dissection.

Namely...

Rocks?

No. Oysters. [Kids murmur]

Unfortunately, it wasn't until I got to the supermarket that I realized how expensive these suckers are, so we're gonna have to pair off two to an oyster.

Man: [ Echoing] Yeah.

Like Marky Mark, let's do the unexpected.

Alison, you can partner with Ned.

Eddie, you're with Reba.

[ Echoing] No.

You're in my station.

Hi, Eddie. This is gonna be fun.

For who?

I understand.

You're too gentle to dissect a living creature.

But lucky for us, I don't give an "elf."

I'll fill out your dissection journal for you.

All right. Let's see what's under the hood.

Cattleman's Ranch is our livelihood.

So you can understand our concern when we found your son's website.

Oh, I do understand.

I am so sorry about Phillip's review.

[Sighs] Great. So you'll take it down?

Oh, no, I can't do that.

Phillip's father and I have been teaching him about journalistic integrity from our years working at Mother Jones.

Miteh, haust du gizane mana...

Oy.

Oh, uh, Phillip, don't be rude.

No yiddish in front of the goyim.

Only one Chinese boy can tarnish the Huang family name, and that's Eddie.

Please take down your website!

I can't do that. It's called integrity, madam.

But I just want you...

W-we understand.

Thanks for hearing us out. We'll be on our way.

May I just use your restroom first?

I didn't really go to the bathroom.

Is that their computer mouse?

Yes.

I've crippled his access to the Internet.

I've shut him down.

You're a genius.

[Phone rings]

Emery: Eddie, it's for you!

[Singsong voice] It's a girl!

Alison?

Don't worry. It's not her.

Reba?

I got your mixtape, and I love you, too!

[Dial tone]

Evan: Oh, da-a-mn.

Evan?!

No.

[Line clicks]

Reba? Egg-salad Reba?

Why don't you just tell her the mixtape wasn't for her?

I tried.

Reba, I made that mixtape for Alison, not for you.

I understand.

You're unhappy in your relationship, and you don't know how to get out.

I'll talk to Alison for you.

No! I mean, I'll do it.

Like what sisters with voices said on your mixtape, ♪ 'cause my heart starts beatin' triple time ♪
♪ With thoughts of lovin' you on my mind ♪

You put sisters with voices on there?

It's a good-ass song.

[Microphone feedback]

Reba: Good morning, students!

To the mix master supreme who taught me the way to a woman's heart is through her ear holes.

Hi, Eddie!

A big shoutout to my new boyfriend...

[fire alarm blaring]

Tell the firemen I know how busy they are and I'm sorry!

I don't understand. How did Phillip update it?

Evan: Taking his mouse doesn't make his website disappear.

But he has no way to control the little hand.

There's only one thing to do.

Evan, I'm extending your bedtime.

But why?!

I need you to make me a website.

[Mouse clicks]

I can't believe www.Phillipgoldsteinhas badopinions.com wasn't taken.

Our luck is finally turning around.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.

Why not? Phillip rates our restaurant.

We rate Phillip.

Personality... "f."

Wardrobe... "f."

Table manners... "c."

He used his salad fork properly.

Grudging respect.

Mm.

This is like teasing someone but on the computer.

It's like we're...

E-vigilantes, because we're dishing out justice and clearing our name.

If Trent hadn't pulled that fire alarm, Alison would think I had a honey on the side.

This Reba girl's out of control.

Eddie, you can clear this whole thing up if you just call Alison.

No. Not gonna happen.

I need to look my woman in the eye like a snake charmer.

So what are you gonna do?

[Exhales slowly]

If a good mixtape can make Reba think I love her, then a bad mixtape can scare her away!

I'm a genius!

Emery, get out.

You're in my room.

Oh.

Hey.

I got all the lamest CDs from my dad's collection...

Alvin and the Chipmunks, Alvin's solo album, the soundtrack from the movie "Arthur."

Oh, thanks. These are perfect, Nicole.

Weird choices for a mixtape.

Well, it's kind of an anti-mixtape.

Oh, a nixtape. Been there.

You trying to get rid of Alison?

No. Alison is dope. It's this other girl.

You know, it's a long story.

So, how's what's-his-name?

Hot Chris? He's hot.

He did this Forrest Gump impression the other day.

It was hilarious.

[As Forrest Gump] Lieutenant Dan, I got you ice cream.

Well, I better get going.

For the record, you never made me a mixtape.

[Frank Stallone's "Walk Away" plays]

♪ Walk away ♪
♪ Or should I stay with that moody girl ♪
♪ She's down on love ♪

[Groaning]

♪ Moody giiiirl tonight ♪

No sign of him yet?

He'll show.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Huang.

Well, how did you get in here?

Through the kitchen.

In keeping with your barn theme, the door was open.

It's a ranch!

I want you to take down phillipgoldsteinhasbadopinions.com.

What's that?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Maybe one of Cattleman's loyal customers made it after you slandered us on the Internet.

But who knows?

Maybe if you take down your bad review, that site will magically disappear.

Obviously you don't understand how magic works.

Oh, and you do?

He just carries those around?

I keep underestimating him.

[Bell rings]

[Sighs] I have some bad news.

Apparently a cat got into the storage room last night and ate up all the oyster cadavers.

So, project complete.

Yes!

Hey, Reba, I made you a new mixtape.

So prolific.

You're like the Stephen King of love.

Eddie!

Is there something you want to share with the rest of the class?

"The real me"?

It's a tape. Huh.

I guess there's no way of knowing...

You could put it in the tape deck you used to teach us about the doppler effect.

That's a very good idea, Ned.

Let's do that.

[ Enigma's"Return to Innocence" plays]

Eddie: Yo, Reba...

Reba?!

This is what I listen to when I clean my ears.

[Laughter]

Ew.

Enigma, get the wax out.

Thank you for coming to this emergency parent meeting.

Unfortunately, there's a new thr*at targeting our students in our libraries, on our desktops, in our homes.

It's called... Compu-teasing.

[Crowd murmurs]

Uh-oh.

Compu-teasing... What's that?

It's like a crank call, but on a computer, and anyone can listen in.

And sadly, one of our students has already fallen victim.

He's still into drama.

My name is Phillip Goldstein.

I used to enjoy posting restaurant reviews on my Internet website.

But ever since I found a page compu-teasing me, I've been too scared to use my computer.

[Audience murmurs sympathetically]

You're doing great, Phillip.

I have my suspicions about who's behind the teasing, but without proof, I won't accuse anyone.

They can insult me all they want, but I won't let them take my integrity.

[Applause]

That makes me love him even more.

That makes me want to k*ll whoever's hurting him.

Officer Bryson?

He called the cops?

The Orlando Police Department takes every thr*at seriously.

So we've created the city's first cyber-crime division, headed up by Peter.

[Slurps]

With Peter's help, we will track down Phillip's compu-teasers and bring them to justice.

Rest assured, we will not stop.

They're just trying to scare us.

They got nothing. They got nothing.

According to our research, the website was made on a gateway computer.

He bought it! He bought the computer!

Uh, what? No!

It was her idea to do the website.

Wait. Are you saying you're the compu-teasers?

No. We're e-vigilantes.

[Crowd murmuring]

He said Cattleman's Ranch was dull.

You know me. You all know me.

I am fun. I am fun, damn it!

[Crowd boos]

Great work, Peter.

[Slurps]

Hey, Eddie.

You okay? I heard what happened.

My life is ruined.

I'll be lucky if Alison ever speaks to me again.

Eddie, just talk to her.

Just call her.

[Dialing]

[Sighs]

[Ringing]

[Phone rings]

Hello?

Hi, Reba. It's me, Eddie.

Look, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

You embarrassed yourself.

Trying to discourage me with some cornball mixtape.

I know I come on a little strong, but you know what?

That's who I am.

And if you can't handle that, we're never gonna work.

Find yourself, boy.

[Dial tone]

Reba.

[Dialing]

[Phone rings]

Hello?

Hey, Alison. It's Eddie.

Don't hang up.

I'm... Sorry.

This whole thing happened because I was too afraid to talk to you on the phone.

I mean, Eddie, nothing you say is gonna...

[ 2Pac's "I ain't mad at cha" plays]

Eddie.

And that's why I'm doing this special live apology mix, just for you.

And, girl, I'm hoping you'll say...

♪ I ain't mad at cha ♪

This isn't gonna make...

♪ I ain't mad at cha ♪
♪ I ain't mad at cha ♪
♪ I ain't mad at cha ♪
♪ I ain't mad at cha ♪
♪ I ain't mad at cha ♪
♪ I ain't mad at cha ♪
♪ I ain't mad at you ♪

Kid can make a mixtape.

The hell?

Where's the computer?!

We put it away after being publicly shamed in front of Eddie's entire school.

We won't have time for it anyway, what with the 100 hours of community service we have to do.

You'll sign me in, right?

But you just spent all that money on it.

Well, the good thing about computers is they last forever.

We'll hook it back up in a few years when you boys are older.

Once the heat dies down.

But I just enrolled in the University of Phoenix.

I'm minoring in nursing!