02x02 - I Looked Like a Man in a Dress

[bunniefuu]

Jazz: Previously on "I Am Jazz"...

Around the beginning of high school, I had this emotional downfall where I was completely depressed.

I went through a really hard time, and I'm still getting out of it.

Sometimes hormones can interact with medication.

In Jazz's case, she spiraled into this really deep depression.

My body is crap, and I feel it.

You're out of whack today, huh?

Jazz: I don't even know what goes through my head when I feel that way.

I tore my ACL in the championship football game.

My dad was actually the only person in the family that attended the game.

My mom was in New York with Jazz.

You know that your testosterone blocker implant has pretty much run its course.

We need your testosterone to stay suppressed.

An increasing testosterone level definitely puts her at risk to have a downward spiral into another dark place.

The best move would be to do a surgery to replace the implant.

You had a boy born to you.

Jazz has gender-identity issues.

But doesn't that make her into a freak?

Does she look like a freak to you?

Jazz: And tonight on "I Am Jazz"...

In a sense, I almost feel like I had it easier compared to someone else like you who did have to go through puberty.

I look like a man in a dress.

[Beep]

Greg: They know our phone number.

They probably know our address.

Dr. Marilyn: When you were in that really challenging time, did you ever think, "I'm going to k*ll myself"?

Jazz: 15 years ago, I was assigned male at birth, but inside, I always knew I was a girl.

I have a girl brain and a boy body.

Being transgender hasn't been easy.

You already have some breast shape.

We just have to make it better.

I get shy talking to gorgeous girls.

Wait, what?

But it's made me who I am.

I am Jazz.

Sander: [As announcer] Attention, Jennings! It is time for the family weigh-in!

Catch!

Ow! Owww!

Greg: Mom clearly doesn't know what to do when a ball's thrown at her.

Between the T-blocker surgery, the town hall, and the crazy phone message, there's a lot of heavy stuff going on around here.

Jeanette: So, it's nice to do something fun as a family to keep things light.

Griffen: I think ladies should go first.

Why don't you guys both hop on that?

This lady goes last and alone.

Not too long ago, everyone in the family made a decision that we need to lose weight and get healthy.

I don't share my weight, so when I weigh in, it's private.

I think it's important that we reach our weight-loss goals because I want to be that strong, fit family that is happy and that can accomplish anything.

[As announcer] Calling to the scale, Jeanette Jennings!

[Laughter]

[Normal voice] We'll do it from over here.

Go ahead.

The last thing I want to do is stand on a scale in front of the whole family and let them see.

Get out of the bushes! Get!

No, no, no, no, no. It's... No.

What do you think I weigh?

192.

181.

176?

Hey, I thought this was a weigh-in, not a g*n show.

Come on.

All: Whoa!

[As announcer] 192 pounds!

My first guess was right.

All right, let's see you go.

153.

153.

Yeah!

153.8?

So, I'm 40 pounds heavier than you.

Depending on what Griffen weighs determines if I'll go on.

Griffen weighing in at...

140.6!

Oh, my God!

Small as a feather.

He weighs nothing.

Calling Jazz to the scale.

I don't know if I should go on.

My brothers don't realize that it's harder for me to lose weight because I'm on estrogen, which causes an increase in my appetite, and they don't have to deal with that, so it's really a struggle.

Oh, my.

I think I'm gonna cry if I weigh more than you.

Jazz weighing in at one-thir...

You're all right.

Ok.

I'm one pound more than you. You're safe for now.

[Laughter] Okay.

So, you guys ready for before and after pictures.

Front view and side view.

One, two, three, vanity.

If we all work together and compete against each other, push each other. Belly bop!

I think we can all reach our goal.

Jazz: [Chuckling] Mom barely lifted.

Giving up is not in our dictionary.

In our dictionary.

Jazz, you want to get a Reese's pieces sundae with me?

Yes.

Let's go.

♪♪

I get to meet a lot of parents of transgender youth, and I've been fortunate to actually meet one that's local.

[Doorbell rings]

Jeanette: Hello.

Hi. Come on in.

Good to see you.

Jeanette: I met Cheryl through the Internet.

We got together, and she told me the story of her daughter, Noelle, who was transitioning at the age of 14.

Come on in.

I would like Jazz to socialize more with trans kids.

There's such a commonality there because they get it.

They're going through the hormones.

They have the same issues.

Well, thank you guys for having us here today.

Cheryl: Oh, we're so happy to have you.

It's been a while.

Yes, a lot of changes since the last time we saw you.

And you won South Florida...

Miss Teen Pride.

Right. You were right.

Jazz was asked to crown or sash the winner of the local Teen Pride, and it turns out Noelle was the winner.

[Cheers and applause]

Your mom was there. My parents were there.

Everybody was there except for Jazz and my husband.

I was really upset that I couldn't be there, as well, but I wasn't feeling well at that time.

And it wasn't even just, like, physical sickness.

It was, like, emotional.

I was going through a really hard time for a while.

When I was in my depressive state, I just felt like nothing around me mattered.

But with medication, things are finally starting to feel a little bit better.

Did you get like a sash or something or a crown?

I got a sash, but...

Jeanette: It was felt, that's all.

Just, like, you have to hot glue everything together, and they gave that to me, and now everything's falling apart.

Sounds like a craft project. [Chuckles]

You should come and see it.

I want to see it.

[Laughs]

I was a little upset that Jazz didn't get to attend Miss Teen Pride in Fort Lauderdale, but now hearing that it was only because she had depression, I can actually sympathize with that because I also go through depression, and help is much more important than just meeting someone's expectations.

So, you can see it's like your mom said, felt.

Crafty.

But it's bedazzled. That's good. [Chuckles]

I'm not really sparkly.

[Laughs]

The first time I met you, you were definitely a little bit down, and...

The first time I met you, I was really in a strong bout of depression.

I presented my school in a dress that I had.

Kids were making jokes. People were following me.

And when I sat down at lunch, this whole swarm of kids just started taking pictures.

That sounds awful.

In a sense, I almost feel like I had it easier compared to someone else like you who did have to go through puberty and did have to worry about fitting in.

Jazz: Looking at Noelle, I can really see the struggles of going through male puberty.

And I know that if I hadn't been so lucky to transition so early, I would have gone through male puberty, as well, and I can't imagine going through that.

It's worse when you don't know how to pass.

I look like a man in a dress.

That's sad.

Noelle: I'm actually extremely jealous of Jazz and how she got to transition very early in her life.

Me only transitioning when I was 14 years old, I had to go through male puberty, which did irreversible damage to my body.

And that's just something that I'll never get back.

That's 14 years that I'll never get to be a girl.

So, Noelle, does she have to go on a blocker, or is she past that point where... we started with a T-blocker.

In her arm?

Uh-huh.

Oh, okay. This new insurance that we have won't cover trans patients, and I'm worried because the blocker is starting to wear off, and the last thing we need is testosterone leaking.

So, it's just nerve-racking.

Jazz's testosterone level is going up a little bit, so the doctor told us that we need to get the T-blocker out now. It's time.

Also, I wanted to tell you, with the Teen Pride, you know, Jazz wasn't there that night.

She went into this terrible depression.

She wouldn't budge.

You know how it is when somebody's depressed.

Yes, I do.

She's going to a therapist this week, and she's not thrilled about it.

She doesn't think therapy's important.

During Jazz's dark depression, she was in therapy all the time, and I'm absolutely petrified that we'll see that Jazz again.

I, almost every day, think about it when I see her off a teeny bit.

When Noelle first came out to us, she had a positive attitude.

She thought she could handle the world, and then she let her walls down, and everything came crashing down.

She didn't know where she was supposed to be, how she was supposed to look.

She did not want to look like she was looking.

She wanted to look like a girl.

It was downright scary for me.

I mean, I've spent so many nights crying, worried that I was gonna go upstairs and find the most horrible thing.

Mm-hmm.

We had to do everything in our power so that she wouldn't hurt herself.

So, we got her some therapy, she's been on medication to help her moods, and since she has officially started transitioning with the hormones, things are getting better for her.

Last year, was actually a pretty dark time for me, but I started hormones 2 1/2 months ago, and it does get better.

What about, like, development?

[Laughs]

I look, like, every day for it.

Yes, I know that feeling.

Two weeks after I started estrogen, I'm, like, "Mom, I feel something on my chest."

It was like this little seed.

It felt like a seed, like a mosquito bite almost.

I'm, like, "Mom, I feel the seed.

It's starting to bloom."

So, have you felt the seed?

No, but just wording it, like, "I felt the seed," that'd be, like, really worrisome if we were not trans.

Oh, my God. I know what you mean.

Noelle: I have a lot of trans friends, but none of them are really trans girls.

So to hang out with another trans girl my age, it's honestly just a comforting experience.

I have all my clothes, and I was really planning on burning them.

This I am so burning. [Laughs]

These are my old football pants, practice Jersey.

You gotta get some more feminine clothes.

I want to help you burn your clothes, and then I want to help you get new clothes, as well.

Jazz: It's really cool to have a friend like Noelle because, you know, we really relate to each other on a different level, and we could share our experiences, like, you know, breast development and things like that and taking hormones and blockers.

It's cool to have someone like that.

Just throw a match at my closet and be, like, "okay, we good?"

[Laughs]

♪♪

Jeanette: Aah!

Oh, he's after Dora.

Greg: Oh, this could be interesting.

Get him!

What am I supposed to do?

You're allergic, I forgot. You can't touch him.

I'm just short. Nemo, I'm short.

Oh, I love you, but you can't be up there right now.

You okay, Dora?

Leave Dora alone.

Oh, nobody did the dishes again.

Whose job is that?

The boys.

Man: One new message.

It's the same guy.

It's harassment.

That's the second call from him, right?

Hearing the second message, I have a more heightened concern because when they start using specific facts and details about our family, it's really crystal-clear that this person's not gonna be stopped unless we do something.

Crossed the line.

I feel like he knows where our kids go to school.

How would he get that information, though?

I don't know.

That means he probably lives very close to us.

Greg: They know our phone number.

They probably know our address.

I feel like he knows where our kids go to school.

He probably lives very close to us.

I just picture this evil, evil person that wants to harm my child.

Jeanette: The first time it happened, you think there's some crazy person out there.

They were saying some terrible things, but you know, done.

But then the second time they call, and they know where my kids go to school, and they obviously know where I live 'cause they have my phone number.

Okay, we have a problem now.

Have you asked the kids if they've heard any messages or anybody's heard anything?

No, I don't want to scare them.

I think it's time that we bring them in the loop, don't you think?

Do you think it'll freak Jazz out, or will she be okay?

She's got the surgery looming over her head.

She's got all the stuff with her friends, whatever's going on with her, and now this.

Like, this is the last thing she needs on her plate with everything else.

I don't want to take this lightly.

I'm going to take action so this person doesn't bother our family anymore.

Can you walk any slower?

That's it.

If I step on the grass, it might be uneven, and then... you're walking way too slow for me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Splash.

My bae is very dirty and needs a little cleaning.

He said, "my bae." It's our bae.

Right now, we kind of both drive the car, so we're cleaning our bae.

This is the most active I've been since I've gotten hurt.

I haven't worked out in, like, two months.

That kid just hadn't jumped on my leg.

He said, "yee!"

Yeah, you weren't even there.

And neither was Mom or Jazz.

You know I'm sorry.

Mom's never really said sorry, though.

She didn't say sorry for not going to the game?

No, like, she's always felt bad about it, but she's never straight up just said, "Sander, I'm sorry for not coming to your game."

It was the championship football game, and my mom was in New York with Jazz getting a photo sh**t.

This football game meant more to me than any other sports game I played in.

Mom has missed other things for the same reason.

Ari: When I was going through these, I could only find pictures of, like, you and Mom mostly 'cause you're always with her.

Like, once or twice a month, you guys are going somewhere, you and Mom together.

On a smaller level, I kind of know how you feel to an extent because she's missed some of my games for Jazz's games during my senior year.

All in all, my mom will choose Jazz's events over our games.

More often than not.

Have you fully expressed all this like you're expressing to me right now?

Never really had a fullblown conversation, like, "Mom, I don't think you realize, I'm hurt."

Mom's the kind of person you can talk about this stuff with.

I do need to tell her.

You need to address it. You have to.

I haven't really told her how I feel, and I need a chance to tell her how I feel so we could fix things.

If it makes you feel better because I wasn't at your game, throw it at me. Come on.

Go for it, honestly.

[Chuckles]

Wait, this one's for Mom and Jazz not going, too.

Oh, God!

♪♪

So, how are you enjoying the Florida cuisine?

Is it a big difference from New York?

Yeah, the biggest difference is we eat out every night.

You've never used a stove, have you?

I reheat. [Laughs]

I made some salmon burgers the other day, though.

They were awful.

They were awful.

I threw them away. [Laughing] They were awful.

The kids have started tennis.

Jazz isn't playing tennis this year.

Have you talked to your parents about Jazz?

No.

How is she doing?

Um, she's doing okay.

We have the situation where she went to the doctor, and the T-blocker has to come out.

Oh, gosh.

'Cause the one that she has right now is kind of running out of steam.

Jazz is really sensitive to hormones.

We know that what happened to her before, the minute something changed, she went bonkers, and she's already susceptible to moodiness.

And this is a major problem.

So, basically, we can't find any insurance policies that include the hormone treatment.

Jacky: They fought for soccer rights, they're fighting bathroom rights, and the b*at goes on.

Now it's the insurance company.

If they ever get that straightened out, there'll be something else 'cause that's the way it goes.

Also something else is going on with us.

We have some creepy, scary man leaving messages on our answering machine.

Transphobic hate like, "you tr*nny freak."

That kind of message.

"Your son has a [Bleep]"

Are you kidding?

Is there a way to track him down?

We're gonna contact the authorities.

You know, it's scary.

You don't know if this is a dangerous person or not.

Is this somebody that just hides behind a telephone, or are they, like, in our backyard?

I would consider the worst.

These people can do great harm.

What does that mean? We stay in our houses, lock the doors?

I don't take anything lightly. It's a crazy world.

You go to a movie, and you're minding your own business, and somebody comes along with a g*n, and you've had it.

Every day, we hear another happening, and I am frightened. I'm very frightened.

We'd like to think it was some crazy person or persons that did this, but they just may have a thing against transgender. That's enough.

What creates all this hate and the threats?

I don't have answers for them, but I know they have to be wary.

How do you protect anybody 7/24?

Is it time to pull her in?

Pull her in from what?

Pulling her in from public exposure?

Is it an option?

It's always an option.

And if she said she doesn't want to do anything anymore.

Starts with her.

What's her next event?

We're going to a conference next weekend.

It's called "Time to Thrive."

Time to Thrive is a conference where leaders who work with youth come to learn more about LGBTQ issues.

Jazz is a youth ambassador, and she spoke last year, and she's speaking this year.

I've talked to her about this before, and she has said to me if anything happened to her, to make sure we continue to fight.

She said that to you?

Yeah.

Jazz is very sensitive of the fact that there are transgender kids who have committed su1c1de.

She gets letters from these kids saying they wouldn't be alive today if she hadn't been sharing her message.

That's a lot to carry, so it's important that she goes to therapy.

Depression aside, it's really important for her to discuss her feelings.

Really as parents, it's up to us to protect her.

♪♪

Hey, kids. Can you guys come on down?

Sander: Sure.

No parent wants to tell their kids that they're getting threatening calls to the family.

Why don't we sit down and talk to them?

I can sit.

But we think it's important that we share that with them so that they can be vigilant and protect each other, protect themselves, and make sure that they're on guard.

So, listen, we have a serious topic we want to talk about.

We've been getting some phone messages, and they've actually been kind of disturbing.

It's really directed at our family, and, well, specifically at Jazz.

They're anonymous calls.

What concerns us is that they've called more than once.

They've called twice.

Their tone is... it feels threatening.

They feel angry.

So, can we listen to these messages?

You guys all want to?

I want to hear them.

You okay?

I want to hear what they're saying.

We've always been open and honest with Jazz.

We don't want to scare her, but she needs to know that she has to protect herself, and that there are people out there that don't like her.

[Beep]

They know our phone number.

They probably know our address, and so we're concerned for your safety.

We alerted the police.

I don't know how quickly the authorities are gonna be able to stop him from placing the call.

You need to know that this is going on so that you're hyper alert, and you're aware of your surroundings and anything looks suspicious.

We're taking all the precautionary measures that we can.

Jazz, do you have any questions? You're kind of quiet.

I don't understand why he has to be so ignorant like that.

How do you feel about going to the conference, Time to Thrive, knowing there's creepy people like that out there?

I think what we're doing is still important, and we have to keep moving forward.

I feel bad for my parents.

I know that their job is to ensure that their children are safe and protected.

But most parents don't have to deal with this sort of thing.

I just want to make sure that you're at least aware that there are people that could be problematic.

I'm aware. I am aware. I know.

I don't want to live a life where I'm just constantly concerned about who's around the corner.

That's not me.

I wanted to be there.

At the same time, you didn't do anything about it.

[Voice breaking] Jazz is more important, and it sucks.

I know.

And I've worked so hard.

Jeanette: So you're ready for Noelle's.

What's the plan for today?

We're gonna burn her clothes today.

You're kidding?

[Laughs]

You're just like, "what?"

That just sounds so not real.

Last time I went to her house, she was telling me how she has all her leftover boy/male clothes.

She doesn't know what to do with them, and she likes burning things.

Oh, you have a lot in common.

It would signify the end of that life, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

She's taking a huge step towards the next part of her life, where she could finally live her life authentically as a female.

I'm just happy that she's allowing me to share this with her.

How do you burn clothes?

It'll be fun.

You set the clothes on fire.

I understand, but isn't that dangerous, and where are you gonna do this?

In her backyard.

Does she have a place in her backyard where you can burn things?

Probably.

And it's gonna be fun, burning clothes.

She picked the right friend to do it with, that's for sure.

[Chuckles]

Have a nice time. Be safe.

All right.

Bye!

Bye.

Hello.

Hello.

How are you?

I'm good.

Noelle: With Jazz, I feel like I can be myself, and it doesn't make me feel so isolated from the rest of the world.

Now I know that there are people like me and people who go through the same struggles as me.

So, what's been going on?

Well, there was something that happened that was actually really disturbing.

We got these hateful messages.

It was really bad.

Like, what did they say?

It was things like, "he's a man, he's a man, you guys are awful."

Just so many things that I've kind of, like, repressed them from my memory almost because I didn't want to remember what he said.

I've never had anyone, like, track me down or anything.

The worst I've had was, like, indirect threats.

Like, "if I were your friend or if I were your father, I'd b*at you until you were normal."

Nothing as extreme as direct threats and tracking all your information.

That's just... that's insane.

My parents are kind of freaking out more than I have been.

I would be just like your family 'cause that's terrifying.

Like, I'm scared for you.

I'm sadly not surprised that Jazz is getting threatening messages.

The general population just doesn't really know how to accept us.

And when someone you don't know is threatening you, that could be a very scary thing, and I only hope for her safety.

I'm going to this conference called Time to Thrive.

I don't know if you've heard about it.

No.

All these, like, social workers, educators, they all come and learn what they can do to, like, help LGBTQ youth.

Does that guy you're talking about know that you're going?

I have no idea.

Did anyone advertise that you're going?

I have posted it on my social media.

If this were happening to me, I don't think I could actually even go to Time to Thrive.

I think I'd just be too scared.

Really?

Yeah.

See, I just... I can't.

I feel like I don't want to let these haters bring me down.

I'm not surprised that Noelle said she wouldn't go to a public event because of the phone calls.

But I've been in the public eye for so long that I try not to worry about these things, so I'm not gonna let this phone call make me back down.

On a brighter note, we get to burn stuff today.

Yes! I'm so excited for that. We get to burn your clothes.

I'm actually really excited about burning all my clothes.

It will relieve me of a burden that's been weighing over me for a long time that's gonna take away some of the bad memories.

I have been waiting so long to do this.

Okay. I think that's enough.

Okay. You ready to do this?

Let's do it.

Okay.

The one I'm most excited about.

Your football jersey.

If my team saw me doing this, they'd k*ll me.

Does this almost feel like you're burning, like, a huge portion of your life away?

I want to use, like, a Phoenix metaphor, where it feels like, from what I burn, I'm getting just a new start.

My dad got me those for practice for football.

These clothes aren't just, like, clothes I wore.

They're days I spent with friends.

They're times I spent just throwing a ball around with my dad at the park.

This is just a really sad goodbye.

♪♪

[Sniffles]

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I feel better. This is...

You're crying out of happiness?

This is a huge weight off my chest, and I don't think there are a lot of people, and I don't even think you can understand just faking 14 years of my life.

I feel like this was just my costume.

Seeing Noelle tear up as we burn the clothes, it's really emotional for me, as well, 'cause I know that this is so hard for her.

I could see the struggle in her eyes.

I honestly think that if I kept on going that way, I wouldn't be here.

Really?

I feel like I can finally breathe.

I feel like, after all my struggles, this is the great relief that I've been looking for, and I'm happy that Jazz was there to comfort me, and that's very important to me.

♪♪

Would you like my rice?

Sure.

Jeanette: There has been a lot of tension between Sander and me because he's had this resentment towards me, so I asked him to come to dinner with me.

I felt it was time for us to clear the air and just see what's going on.

So, what's doing?

I mean...

What are your grades?

Do you ever ask me what my grades are?

♪♪

Well, you said that one of your classes last semester, you were close to getting a "B."

Yeah, I had like an 89, but I got an "A."

You guys are doing really well. I'm really proud of you.

You're gonna be a Gator, right, like your sister?

Maybe I'll go to Syracuse so I can be an Orangeman just like you.

Your coach did mention something to you about Syracuse.

Yeah, but not anymore.

I've probably played my last football game, and I'm probably not gonna play football again.

I'm sorry.

Everything happens for a reason, though.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah.

So, is that why you didn't come to the game?

♪♪

I'm probably not gonna play football again.

Everything happens for a reason, though.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah.

So, is that why you didn't come to the game?

No. That's not... no, I'm talking about your injury, not me going to the game.

I wanted to be there.

At the same time, you didn't do anything about it.

Jeanette: There was a photo sh**t with Jazz where she was gonna be on the cover of a magazine.

I thought about rescheduling, but it was about the commitment, which, I always teach my kids, if you have a commitment to something, you don't bag out.

I don't know.

I just feel like sometimes Jazz is more important.

You know, there's four of you, so it's been hard.

Like, Dad and I have done our best to try to be equal.

Like, all the times Ari used to sing, and I wouldn't go to her singing things 'cause I wanted to go to your sporting events.

The problem was never between us and Ari.

It was always between me, Ari, Griffen, and then Jazz, where there's three of us and one of her, and she was getting more attention than we all got.

And it's been happening since we were little.

I understand that you need to be there for Jazz.

I understand that completely, but in this circumstance, this was my last football game that you might ever see me play in.

I was sad all night.

You don't see it.

[Voice breaking] It's like, the one thing you love taken away from you.

It's just gone.

[Sniffles] And it sucks.

I know.

And I've worked so hard to get here.

I'm so sorry.

It hurts my heart.

I always knew that sports are a huge part of my kids' life, and especially Sander, but I didn't know how much.

He was right.

He was more important, and I ended up doing the thing that wasn't as important.

[Sniffles]

I'll feel bad about it till the day I die.

I feel like I let you down.

I need to be there for you more, and I'm gonna do my best.

I'm gonna make it special.

Sander: That was probably the first time me and my mom have teared up and had a moment like that.

And obviously, it doesn't change what happened, but I have to forgive her because she's my mom, and I love her.

And if I don't forgive her, that'll just be selfish for me for living in the past.

Give me a hug.

Let me come to you 'cause you hurt your leg.

I'll come to you. I'm fine.

Ohh.

I'm kidding.

Love you.

I love you, too, Mom.

♪♪

Jeanette: Given the fact that we've had these scary phone calls, we've decided to have a personal bodyguard at the Time to Thrive event.

Do we sign in over here?

Yes, check in.

Jeanette: It's kind of surreal.

I've never thought that the new normal would be to have a security guard.

Man: Welcome to Time to Thrive!

But it's peace of mind having him, and I think we'll feel better having that.

We're really excited that you're here.

Of course, let me grab your badges here.

Here's Jazz.

Thank you.

Jeanette. Perfect. Great. Enjoy the conference.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Jazz: It's kind of weird having a bodyguard at an event like this, but, you know, if that's what my parents think is going to keep me safe, then that's what I'll have to do.

And you just inspired me to do so much.

Aw, that's so sweet.

It's so amazing to meet you.

Then it's my honor to meet you. That's amazing.

Keep doing what you're doing.

Thank you.

Despite all the hateful messages, it's important to continue to be an advocate.

Everyone should have the freedom to live their authentic lives, and to see these people who are really impacted is just incredible.

♪♪

[Indistinct chatter]

Please join me in welcoming my LGBTQ hero, HRC youth ambassador, Jazz Jennings.

[Cheers and applause]

It's so great to be here speaking at Time to Thrive again this year.

It was an historic year for the LGBTQ community... marriage equality, Caitlyn Jenner shared her story, and our president said the word transgender in the State of the Union Address for the first time in history.

[Applause]

Overall, 2015 was a great year for the LGBTQ community in our country, but this wasn't the case for everyone.

Close to half of transgender kids like me attempt su1c1de before they reach adulthood.

Let's all work together to pave the way for future generations of transgender youth to live better lives.

You can make a difference and change a life forever.

[Cheers and applause]

I don't know what I'm gonna face in the future.

People might want to hurt me, but I know I have to continue doing what I can.

I'm gonna try my hardest to share my message because I know that I am helping people.

[Applause]

♪♪

Jazz: I just felt like I was very emotional and upset and dark.

When you were in that really challenging time, did you ever think, "I'm going to k*ll myself"?

♪♪

Jazz: I don't want to go to the doctor.

I don't like therapy.

I know you don't like it.

I love Marilyn, but I don't like therapy.

Jazz: I know it's important for me to go to therapy, but I kind of just want to deal with things on my own.

But there's some things you need to talk to her about.

I want her to know how you've been feeling, what's been going on. Talk to her about...

Ugh, I don't want to talk about that, though.

You've had some really horrible times.

I know therapy is not your thing, I get it, but it's an important thing to have.

I just don't care.

You need to start caring about more things.

You're a little desensitized.

Maybe that's something you can talk to Marilyn about.

Jeanette: Jazz needs to go to Marilyn because I'm not a professional.

I'm her mom, and I am emotionally invested.

I can't see things from Marilyn's perspective, and it's a different relationship, and she needs that relationship.

And I know overall it's helping her.

She might not realize, but I know it. It does.

Please try to open up to her as much as possible.

I will guide you.

I will help you along in the process because this is serious stuff.

♪♪

Hi!

Hello. You look so nice.

Oh, my gosh, look at you.

Oh. I'm Dr. Marilyn Volker.

I met Jazz when she was very small, about 3 years old.

Look at you guys. Come.

I am very happy to be meeting with Jazz so we can look at issues that happen with transitioning.

Let's talk about you and whatever you want to share.

I don't know what to start with.

Then will you fill in the blanks...

Sure, if you ask questions.

We have surgery coming up, and I want to see how you feel about this surgery.

So, tell me about it.

I just want to...

I want to get the blocker implant as soon as possible because I don't want the hormones entering my body and being hormonally imbalanced.

I don't want to be depressed again.

What worries me is that if your estrogen/testosterone balance gets off, that that could have dramatic effects on your mood.

You're looking at, "I don't want to go through what I went through."

Went through before.

And then I don't want to end up developing as a male.

Are both of those scary to you?

Yeah, of course they're scary.

Yes.

My whole life, that has been my nightmare.

When I was 3 years old, I was crying out to my mom, "Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to get a beard.

I don't want to get a mustache."

So, I still don't want that to happen now, and I don't want to be depressed again, either.

Right, right.

When you were in that really challenging time, how was that for you?

I just felt like I was very emotional and upset and dark.

Yeah.

I set my bed up in my parents' room 'cause they wanted me with them..

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And slept there all day.

Jeanette: I wanted to keep a close eye on Jazz because she was feeling like life wasn't worthwhile.

That mind-set is scary, so I was, like, "I don't want to take any chances here.

I'm keeping her near me."

Did you have any thoughts like, "I don't want to go to school"?

Yeah.

Okay.

"I don't want to talk to my friends."

Yeah.

Okay.

"I don't want to see my family."

Um... Pretty much.

I just wanted to be alone.

Did you ever feel like, "I don't want to be here"?

Like, what do you mean?

Well, did you ever think, "I'm going to k*ll myself"?

♪♪

Marilyn: When you were in that really dark space, did you ever think, "I'm going to k*ll myself"?

Jazz: Yeah, I was thinking like that.

Mm-hmm.

That can happen.

A lot of people don't want to, like...

Admit it.

...come to the plate and admit it, yeah. Yeah.

No, I did.

She'd come to me and said, "Mom, you know, I have a great life.

I have a family that loves me, I've got great friends.

I've got so much going for me.

Why do I feel like it doesn't matter?"

When she was in the worst of her depression, I was just terrified.

She would hurt herself.

She would say, "Mommy, make this go away.

Make this feeling go away."

And I would just hold her.

I'm, like, "I wish I could take it for you."

I'm not surprised that Jazz is struggling with anxiety, depression, su1c1de.

Deep down, Jazz knows, "I am not exactly the same."

What do you think the most challenging thing is right now?

The person that calls the house.

There's a guy that calls the house, and he leaves these very disturbing messages.

Ooh. "You're disgusting, you tr*nny freak."

That bothers me.

Mm-hmm.

And she's more desensitized to it.

Mnh. I don't really care.

Wow. Okay.

This kind of concerns me, also, because she's so, like, "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care."

But I find, you know, something like her safety, as a parent, it's more disturbing to me than, I guess, it is her.

I don't know if you're in denial.

I'm not in denial, but I'm not gonna completely hide myself from the world because I'm afraid.

People think I'm always putting up a guard because I always say, "I don't really care. I don't care what you have to say about me."

But the truth is, I am definitely vulnerable in certain situations.

It's just difficult to open up.

I want to thank you because you came in and talked about some really, really important issues.

It's okay. I've talked about them 50,000 times already.

I know. Do you ever get bored of talking about them?

Yes, I bet. I bet.

I'm glad, even though it may be really like, "oh, we got to talk about this again,"

I'm really glad you're willing to do that.

I know it's important for me to go to therapy.

Honestly, I don't want to see myself being depressed again.

It was awful.

It was hard for my mom to deal with me.

I think it's really good that you and mom talked because one person might really have more concerns as a parent.

You also are thinking about, "what are areas that I can deal with, and then what would be, like, 'I can't'?"

Jeanette: I am scared for Jazz.

I'm the mama bear, and if she's not worried about something that she should be worried about, I'm gonna worry about it for her.

She might be, like, "I'm fine."

And I'll be, like, "you're gonna be fine because I'm gonna make sure you're fine."

Be careful. Be careful.

Yeah.

Jazz: Next time on "I Am Jazz"...

I'm looking forward to hostessing a luncheon.

Mm-hmm.

And as we all sit around and chitchat...

They'll have questions about Jazz.

Yeah.

If my son brought home a transgender, I don't think I would be jumping for joy.

I don't think anybody would.

In a few days, we're going out to California.

Jazz is having surgery, and we want her to have the best of care.

Are you nervous about the surgery?

Well, the first time I did, it kind of hurt.

Yeah, it burns.

It hurts.

Jeanette: I'm definitely nervous about the surgery.

It's every mother's worst fear.

You can never be sure about anything, so...

Yeah.

We can only hope.

Love you.

Bye.

Take good care of her.

Love you all.