06x06 - A New Place for One of Our People

[bunniefuu]

(Both laugh)

Okay, Kris, I got everything in here you need to fix that drain.

All right, got a pipe wrench, I got a basin wrench, some Teflon tape.

Now, Ryan's fixing it, right?

Yep.

And I got the plumber's number in there, too.

Thank you, Dad.

I had no idea owning a home meant you spend all of your time fixing it.

Yeah, but once it's all fixed...

Well, we'll let you know.

You know, we have been here 20 years, and your father still hasn't gotten the squirrels out of the attic.

Yeah, I'd love to get the squirrels out of your attic.

(Laughs)

Honey, you can stay for dinner. We're just waiting on Eve.

Oh, uh, where'd you have her working today?

Yesterday, she was on the loading dock, Mom.

Yeah. What? Mike, isn't that dangerous?

For Eve? Are you kidding? She's like an ant.

She can lift 50 times her weight.

Eve's worked in just about every department by now, huh?

Yeah. She got Accounting, Fish and Tackle.

She even took over the crossbow safety course.

Oh, yeah, that's right. How is Earl?

Earl... just a flesh wound.

I don't think he'll be drinking beer at lunch again.

Better watch out, Dad.

One day, Eve might take your job.

Well, she's already got Earl out of the way.

You know, I am so glad that Eve is making good use of her gap year.

I mean, between playing music at the coffee house and working with you, she'll head off to college next year with some good life experience.

Yeah.

She'll have a year working 10 different jobs before she gets brainwashed by people who've never had one.

Hey, honey. I'm home.

Hey, how was work?

Ugh, can I get a martini and read the paper before the yackity-yack?

Sorry, I watched a black-and-white movie last night.

Where were you working today? Online sales. How was that?

Yeah. It was great.

Everyone was super-friendly and totally supportive when I told them I was gonna quit.

(Chuckles)

Oh, by the way, I'm quitting.

Sorry. I didn't hear you with all the squirrels running around in the attic.

You want to quit working at Outdoor Man?

No. I am quitting.

You made it "want to quit" so we can have this discussion.

This is crazy.

You're making good money. It's a great experience.

You want to cop a feo copfew fishin, I'll look the other way.

You know, one of the best parts about being the oldest kid is that you know the exact moment your parents are about to explode.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Uh, honey, w-why are you quitting?

No, no, no. She wants to quit.

She's considering it. It's not... not a done deal.

I found something else I want to do.

You have another offer? I'll... I'll match it.

I'm gonna volunteer at Take Shelter Denver.

They build houses for the homeless.

You volunteer, you're making nothing. I'll double that.

I think it's wonderful that Eve wants to volunteer.

I mean, I used to read to the blind... but they didn't like it (Low voice) when I used to do the voices.

The only volunteer I know that was fired.

What are you gonna use for money?

They don't pay you at the coffee shop for singing, so you're already working for nothing there.

I still have already working graduation money.

Oh, perfect. That's one week.

What do you do for money next week?

I'll figure it out, Dad.

It's not like I have a lot of expenses.

I mean, isn't that the whole point of this gap year... to figure out how I fit into the world?

Fit into the real world, which is about making money, buying food, football.

Dad, I-it's... it's my life, and it's my year, or maybe even longer, I don't know, but I-I will figure that out, Dad.

She wants to do charity. How is that so bad?

Did you hear that? Yeah.

"Maybe even longer."

She's not going to college. She quit her job.

You know where this ends up? Cardboard box under a bridge.

Is that where you want to say hello to your grandkids?

Okay. You know, look, I understand.

You're upset because you won't be taking your little buddy to work anymore. Oh, stop.

That has nothing to do with it.

I'm upset because Eve doesn't know how the world works, but thank God she's got an amazing father who cares enough about her to give her a lovely, loving kick in the ass.

♪

(Sighs) Hey, thanks for spending lunch with me, babe.

Yeah. Sorry I didn't talk more.

It's just, you know, you get me a crown and a kids' menu, I'm all business.

All right, now, you scoot, young lady, so I can get to work on your wedding gift.

No. We already have enough presents, as is.

We don't need to spend any money on each other.

And that's me talking.

Well, I'm not spending any money on your gift.

Those are the best kind.

Aww, but I already have two jars of rain, Kyle.

And two jars of sunshine, yeah.

But this is gonna be even better.

Just... Just wait and see.

All right, but, for the record, I'm not getting you anything.

Is she the best or what?

So, what exactly are you giving the girl that doesn't cost anything?

Oh, a car.

You're thinking of a macaroni sculpture.

A car is a big, metal thing with an engine and seats.

No, I-I read this story online about this guy who traded a paper clip for a pen, and then a pen for a flute, and, you know, he kept trading up, until he got a house.

Yeah, I-I read a similar story, but it had a cow and a magic bag of beans.

I'm gonna start by trading this laser pointer I got with my subscription to Atlantic Monthly.

Oh, you read Atlantic Monthly?

Nope, I just wanted this free pointer.

Kyle, that... that paper-clip story isn't real.

See, con artists put that kind of stuff out there all the time to take advantage of people like you.

I disagree. I think people are generous.

You know, when I... when I post that I'm a newlywed, trying to get my bride a wonderful gift... Mm-hmm.

...I think you'll be surprised.

(Chuckles)

I think you'll end up giving your bride a laser pointer.

I think it's a sweet idea, Kyle. And you know what?

To get you started, I'll trade you my old briefcase for the laser pointer.

(Chuckling) Oh! Deal.

I always wanted to say that holding a briefcase.

Stop encouraging him with this nonsense.

A con man will eat that kid for lunch.

Ah, I don't think...

Oh, sh**t. My lunch. Hey, Kyle!

Kyle!

Do you want another pancake?

Yeah. They're great.

All right. There you go.

Dad, are we, uh ...are we cool?

Sure. Why wouldn't we be?

Oh, okay, I just want you to understand that doing charity is really important to me, and Take Shelter Denver is a really good organization.

It's a great organization.

You know, your mom and I give quite a bit of money to them.

Oh, really? That is so cool.

Maybe I'll wind up using a hammer you guys bought or something.

And wouldn't that be great? Yeah.

There you go.

What's this?

That's a bill for what you had... pancakes, bacon, and a venti coffee.

Eight bucks.

You're charging me for breakfast?

(Sighs) And rent.

Congratulations. The hammer just came down.

You're charging me rent in my family home?

That's insane, Dad.

No. I'm charging you way below market value.

That's insane.

But I'm your favorite, the one who goes to the g*n range with you and to the batting cages and to Ronald Reagan's birthplace, where I was so moved, I wept at age 6.

And you're telling me that's all worth nothing?

Nothing?!

I didn't charge you for the juice.

Listen, I just want you to know how the world works, Eve.

I know how it works, Dad. No, you don't!

I think you live in a bubble.

Not a real one, 'cause that would be very fragile and offer no real protection.

So, are you charging me for this lecture, too?

'Cause I don't see it here on the bill.

This paradise you live in is not real, all right?

Unless you get that through your head, Take Shelter Denver's gonna be building you a house someday.

Hmm. Better watch out. That bacon's gonna cost you.

Mm. Nah.

I have the metabolism of a snake.

At least I think they have a good metabolism.

I mean, they're, like, skinny.

Get this... Dad's charging for food and rent.

Yeah, but not you. E-Everything's on the house.

What? H-How come you're not charging her?

Because she's going to college, and she's working.

Oh, my God! Dad, that's so unfair! You never... Wait.

Are you using me as an example?

Like, a good one?

I know it's weird. Just go with it.

Okay, okay, So, right now, at this very moment, I'm your favorite?

Even though I never went to Ronald McReagan's house?

You're making this very difficult.

So, basically, I'm being punished for trying to get the most out of my gap year.

Get a job, hippy! (Laughs)

I love this.

Honey, I think you've lost focus.

And I'm doing whatever I can to help you regain that, that's all. Yeah.

Deadbeat.

All right.

Well, you know what?

Fine. Count it, old man.

No tip!

♪

Hey, hey, hey. Kyle, Kyle.

How's the swapping for a car going?

Oh, fantastic.

I, uh... I traded your briefcase for an espresso machine...

Uh-huh... and then that for a disco ball, and all the way up to a new computer.

Fantastic!

Which I traded for this.

Please tell me that's packed with $100s.

No, something even better... good karma.

Oh, then it's empty.

I-I traded with an underprivileged student who needed a computer for college.

Oh, yeah, well, you really did that kid a solid, man.

No, I know who got the better end of that deal.

Okay, Kyle, this ends right now.

Oh, come on, Ed. Leave the boy alone. No, no. No, no.

Come on. It's time that he hears this. No, no.

He's about to get married, all right?

It's time he learned an important fact of life.

Kyle... people are not generous.

They're horrible.

What... What about people like Kyle?

He's the sweetest person I know.

Blushing.

Well, thank goodness there are good people like Kyle, but there's plenty more bad people, like the guy who scammed him out of his computer.

He didn't scam me.

Oh, really? Yet, he went online asking for a computer.

If he didn't have one, how did he get online in the first place?

I never thought of that.

Maybe he used one at work, or a friend's, or the library's.

Libraries don't exist anymore. Read a paper.

And you have to apply to college online, too.

How did he do that?

He didn't. You were conned.

He seemed very smart, like he'd already gone to college.

Okay. Kyle, you're starting to sound like Ed.

Snap out of it, man. Come on. Come on.

Mr. Alzate is my mentor, and I've never gone wrong listening to his advice.

And I'm sorry I wasted your briefcase on some silly dream.

I jus...

Why'd you do that, Ed?

I love that kid like a son.

But his good heart, you know, makes him vulnerable for lots of things, like the flu, because he keeps on giving away his coat.

All I know is Kyle was a lot happier when he was looking at the world through his eyes and not yours.

Trust me. I'm right on this one.

No, no, no, you were right when you said there weren't very many people like Kyle.

Now, thanks to you, there's one less.

Well, maybe that's not a bad thing.

What happened to your heart, Ed?

It used to be...

...right here.

And now...

...it's in there.

♪

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Check out this new sonar fish finder.

You know, if Nemo had one of these suckers, it wouldn't have taken 90 minutes to find Dory.

(Chuckles)

You know, some people... liberals... will say it's not right to give fishermen one of these, 'cause it's not fair to the fish.

You know what else isn't fair?

Fish being able to breathe under water.

Anyhow, oh, where was I?

Talking about bubble wrap, right?

Bubble wrap...

It's a great invention for packing, but a terrible idea when it comes to raising our kids.

Sometimes, hard lessons may be cruel, but trying to insulate your kids from reality pretty much guarantees that the contents will end up broken.

Sorry to burst your bubble.

Oh, hi, Eve. I didn't see you standing there.

What's up?

Oh, I just thought about what you said about the "real world" and paying rent.

And you came to your senses.

I'm moving out.

(Bubble wrap popping)

Hey.

What the hell is going on?

Eve told me she's moving out.

Can I just get a martini and read the paper before all the yackity-yack?

This is your fault.

You started charging her for breakfast?

Which is ridiculous because you always undercook the bacon.

I mean, it's like I got a pig in my mouth.

Want to get a glass of wine and we'll talk about this?

Oh, yeah, so you charge me for that, too?

If I ran a tab for the wine you drink, you'd have to get a second job.

Stop it.

She's not going anywhere, okay?

Yeah, well, she sounded pretty serious to me, Mike.

Yeah, well, she can't afford an apartment.

How is she gonna afford her first and last month's rent?

Sing them a song?

Yeah, yeah. I think that's better than money.

What?

Well, I could see how a landlord wouldn't.

What's she gonna put on the employment application?

First job... volunteer. Whoo-hoo.

Ah, that's true. You know, and she has no credit.

No credit. Right.

All right. Well, this is fantastic, yeah, yeah.

I mean, on paper, our daughter's a total loser.

There you go.

All part of the master plan to get her to see how life really works.

All right. Look, I-I'm sorry if I overreacted.

I just... I just don't want my little girl to move out. Got it, got it.

Apology accepted. Although, you might have to apologize again for that senseless att*ck on bacon.

Oh.

Oh, hey, where do you guys want me to store Eve's stuff?

'Cause the sooner she's clearing out, the sooner I can knock down that wall, turn her room into my dream closet.

Ooh, by the way, I'm turning her room into my dream closet.

Yeah, yeah. That's not gonna happen.

But, Dad, I'm your favorite, and it's my dream... and a closet.

It doesn't look like Eve is moving out quite yet.

Oh. She didn't tell you guys?

She already did.

She's living in Kristin and Ryan's basement.

What?!

Ugh!

It looks like she found a way around your master plan.

This has gone far enough, okay?

Oh, God. This is terrible.

I know.

(Door slams)

Grab a saw. We can talk about it in my new closet.

♪

Hey, hey, Ed! How do you like your crow... broiled or baked?

What the hell are you talking about?

Tell him, tell him, so I can remember the look on his face for the rest of my life.

I got Mandy's car.

Oh! And that's my new screen saver.

W-What do you mean you got a car? How?

Some guy who owns a car dealership was looking for the exact lunch box I traded the computer for, so he's trading me.

So, Ed, on the... on the crow, you know, sriracha sauce, maybe some grilled onions.

That proves nothing.

Nothing, except maybe that people who collect lunch boxes are lunatics.

What I said still holds.

With respect, sir, I-I think this might be one time when I can be your mentor.

So, you still insist on believing in people, huh?

Oh, after this, more than ever.

Hmm. All right, well, I guess that's just who you are.

Maybe that's why good things happen for you.

Like what?

Oh, right, the car. Right.

Mandy's not gonna believe it.

(Chuckles)

(Laughs)

If you don't have anything to do, I'll find something for you.

Oh, it... it... it's just so rare that you're so wrong, Ed.

Just... Just... Just give me a minute to enjoy it.

Mm-hmm. Well, I'm not wrong.

If anybody's wrong in all this, it's that imbecile who traded a lunch box for a Prius.

Kyle... Kyle never said what kind of car it was.

(Mumbling) Looking for something over here.

Kyle never said it was a Prius.

I've got some vouchers. What the hell is this?

Oh.

Oh!

You sw... You sweet, sweet man!

You have something you need to do or what?

Yes, I do have something I need to do.

Take that great big heart... and put it right back where it belongs.

♪

You know, when you were little, you ran away.

I found you hiding behind some garbage cans.

This place is actually worse.

I don't know. It was good enough for whoever's bones I found behind the furnace.

What's going on?

Dad, I... I really don't want to argue.

Tough. I do.

Starting with you leaving home and coming over here.

Will you... Will you just hold on?

I've been trying to tell you that you were right.

Oh, no. No. Don't start that.

I want to stay mad right now.

Okay. Yes, I did move in here to get back at you.

Now it's starting to sound like an argument. Good.

But then I took one look at this spider hole and thought, "Oh, I am not that mad at him. I'm definitely moving back home."

Why are you still here?

Okay, so, I had my orientation at Take Shelter today, and they have a list of families who would be happy to have a basement to stay in.

And I got it. You were right. I-I do live in a bubble.

Okay, you got it.

Come home to the bubble, have your meatloaf.

I can't.

When I told you the whole point of my gap year was to figure out how I fit into the world, you said the real world.

Well, it don't get any realer than this.

Living in your sister's basement, rent-free, is not the real world.

You just ask my cousin Stewart, and I do not want you talking to him.

It's not free. I'm gonna pay rent.

I'm gonna work part-time at the coffee shop, as well as perform there.

All right. I-I think you're taking this too far.

I'm really happy that you're working, but I don't want you moving out of the house.

It's really hard to grow up when you live with your parents, Dad.

And I know you and Mom will just do stuff for me.

It's not your fault. I'm just... I'm really adorable.

I thought that had peaked when we went to Reagan's birthplace, and you... you said it was "tickle-down economics."

It's time for me to be on my own, Dad.

That's what you've been preparing me for my whole life.

And you did a great job.

You know, I-I knew that one day being perfect at everything I do was gonna bite me in the ass.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

Hey, hi. You ready?

Oh, hi. You bet.

Hey, hey, hey. How's the new car?

Amazing. It's... It's the greatest gift anyone's ever given me.

Yeah, well, whoever did that probably feels like they got the better part of that deal, huh?

I want to donate it to charity.

What? W-W-W-Wait.

What do you mean? Y-You're gonna give it away?

What? Why?

Well, I was finally Dad's favorite, but then Eve one-upped me with that whole self-sacrifice-y thing.

Well, two can play at that game.

N-N-N-No. D-Don't play. No, no.

Y-Your greed is unique.

I don't know, Ed. Giving is a beautiful thing.

It's good for the heart.

So is shutting up.

No. I need a grand gesture, but one that doesn't cost me anything.

And I haven't even put gas in the car yet.

Yeah, but it probably cost somebody something.

You know, it's a lot of money, huh?

Especially with that moonroof... if it has one.

It does. You know what?

Maybe we should give it away. Yeah?

Yeah, because I've learned something very interesting from this whole experience. Mm-hmm.

I mean, getting a car... is really easy.