07x23 - Something Borrowed, Someone Blue [1]

[bunniefuu]

ACT ONE

Scene One – Hallway Outside Frasier's Apartment
FADE IN:
Roz is standing at the door to Frasier's apartment when the elevator
opens and Frasier, Daphne, Niles and Mel get off. All four are dressed
in black.

Frasier: Oh, hi, Roz.
Roz: Oh, there you are. I brought something for Daphne and I was
just gonna leave it with the doorman. [Daphne begins to cry]
Frasier: Oh, lord.

Reset to: Living Room
They go in. Daphne heads into the powder room.

Roz: Did I say something?
Frasier: Well, actually our doorman, Morrie, passed away this week.
We just got back from the funeral.
Roz: Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. Is she going to be all right?
Frasier: Well, you know, she's been a little high-strung all week, even
before he d*ed. I guess it's just wedding stuff, you know.
Roz: Yeah.

Daphne comes back.

Daphne: Ooh, sorry 'bout that. So, you brought me something, Roz?
Roz: Well, yeah. I figured you couldn't get married without
wearing something borrowed. [Hands her a small box]
Daphne: Oh! What a beautiful garter! Look at all the lovely detail.
Niles: I especially like the little odometer.

Roz backhands him in the stomach as he grins.

Daphne: Thank you so much, Roz.
Mel: Does anybody besides me feel like a cup of coffee?
Frasier: Oh, I'll brew a pot.
Mel: Oh, don't be silly. I've been here enough times to know how
to get the coffee made. Daphne, make us some coffee. [Then]
Kidding!

Niles laughs. She heads for the kitchen.

Roz: [picking up a folder] The Wayside Inn. This is where you're
having your wedding? Oh gosh, it's just so beautiful.
Daphne: I hope it is, the planning's been a nightmare. I spent an
hour today on the seating charts. Everyone has some demand.
"Don't sit me near the band", "Do you mind if I bring a
friend?"...
Roz: Oh my God, you can't seat me next to him.
Daphne: Exactly! Every selfish, whiny little thing...
Roz: No, you cannot seat me next to Tim Walsh. I dated him all
last summer and he dumped me.
Daphne: He's going with my bridesmaid Annie. I have to seat the
bridesmaids together.
Roz: This always happens to me. Is there no place I can go without
running into some guy I've dated?
Niles: I was reading about a Trappist monastery in the Amazon that
they somehow built into the treetop.
Roz: Shut up, ya big doily! This is gonna be awful! Here I am
at a wedding, sitting next to a guy who dumped me!
Frasier: Oh, come on Roz, you won't be alone. You'll be on the arm
of a well-known Seattle boulevardier and radio star.
Roz: Frasier, I can't go with you. I mean, going to a wedding
with your boss is like going to the prom with your brother.
Frasier: Niles and I did not go to the prom together! Our dates were
sick and we went stag!
Niles: In retrospect, yes, we should have canceled the horse-drawn
carriage, but hindsight is 20/20.

FADE OUT

MEMENTO MORRIE


Scene Two - Frasier's Living Room
FADE IN:
Martin enters carrying a gift bag.

Martin: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Hi, Martin. I'm really sorry to hear about your friend Morrie.
Martin: Oh, thanks. Yeah, his wife just did the nicest thing.
I guess she knew Eddie and I'd stop by and sh**t the
breeze with him, so she gave us something to remember
him by.
Frasier: Oh, well. [Reading the tag] "For Martin and Eddie."
Gee, isn't that nice?
Martin: Yeah, I think it's some kinda wine.
Frasier: Well, yes I'd say so, but...

He pulls out the bottle, reads the label, and gasps.

Frasier: My God, Dad! This is a 1945 Chateau Petrus!
Martin: Oh, yeah? She said he got it from his uncle who was in France
after the w*r.
Frasier: Well, it's one of the rarest bottles in the world!
Martin: Well, if you're good, maybe Eddie'll give you a glass out
of his half.

Martin exits to the kitchen as Niles comes over to examine the bottle.

Niles: I've never even seen a '45 Petrus!
Roz: Oh, poor Morrie. He probably waited his whole life for an
occasion special enough to open that bottle.
Frasier: Yes. Perhaps this should be a lesson for us all. Morrie
might be standing guard at the door to heaven right now,
but he's buzzing us with one last message: Live life now.
I'm reminded of a parable...

Knock on the door.

Daphne/Niles/Roz: Come in!

The door opens and Simon (Daphne's obnoxious brother) enters with a
duffel bag.

Daphne: Simon!
Simon: Hello, sis.
Daphne: I thought you were in California.
Simon: Yeah, well, those friends I went to surprise were out of town.
So I decided to housesit for 'em, which was lovely. 'Til they
came home last night. I don't know what all the screaming was
about, I was the one in the tub! Where should I put this bag?
Frasier: By the door so you don't forget it when you leave.
Simon: Right. I think I know everyone here. [spots Roz] Or do I?
And what would your name be then, Miss?
Roz: Simon, you low-life idiot! You made a date with me last week
and you stood me up!

She crosses toward the door.

Simon: Sorry, love, I need a bit more to go on.
Roz: Maybe this'll refresh your memory.

She slams the door in his face.

Simon: Roz! Of course!
Martin: [entering from kitchen] Well, look who's back!
Simon: Well, who's this then? I'd say it was Marty Crane, but
he's a bit too young and trim, eh?
Martin: Oh, go on! Can I offer you a beer?
Simon: Oh, I hate to drink alone, could I have a sandwich with that?

Martin and Simon exit to the kitchen.

Frasier: If that beer-swilling boomerang thinks he's staying here,
he's got another thing coming.
Niles: Better get a move on, he's already got your address on his
duffel bag.

The phone rings, Daphne gets it and goes to her room. Mel enters from
the kitchen with a cup of coffee.

Mel: We'd better get going if we're going to reach the cabin by
dark.
Frasier: Cabin?
Niles: Yes, Mel and I are celebrating our six-month anniversary by
taking a little mid-week getaway to her friend's country place.
Mel: Yes, no phones, no stress, just two days of rest and
relaxation. I do have to pick up a little anniversary
gift, though, so give me nine minutes and pick me up at
the northwest corner of Pike and Elm at 4:42.

Mel and Niles refer to their watches.

Mel: Coming up on 4:33...
Niles: Synchronizing...
Mel: Now! [Then] Good, I'm relaxing already.

She kisses Niles and leaves. Martin and Simon enter from the kitchen.

Simon: Thank you Marty, it's most hospitable of you.
Martin: Well, you gotta have a place to stay...
Frasier: Stop right there! He cannot stay here! The man is loud,
ill-mannered, and the last time he stayed here he k*lled
a ficus tree on the downstairs neighbor's balcony by means
which are best left to the imagination!
Martin: Frasier, I invited Simon to stay in my Winnebago! Come on
Simon, I'll show you your new digs.
Frasier: Oh, lord. Simon, you know I...
Simon: Oh, no, forget about it. It's no worse than what I was
just sayin' about you in the kitchen.
Frasier: [chuckles] Good one.
Simon: [sotto to Martin] He thinks I'm joking.

Simon and Martin leave.

Niles: Join me in a sherry, Frasier?
Frasier: Oh, I think I will, Niles.
Niles: You know, I have to admit, I'm a little bit nervous about
this trip. I have a feeling Mel may make another push for
us to live together.
Frasier: Oh, my.
Niles: She's been bringing it up quite a bit lately. She says
it's a good way for us to test our relationship.
Frasier: You're afraid you'll discover things about each other that
you won't like?
Niles: Oh, no. No, no. We're past that stage. She knows my
likes and dislikes. I've come attuned to her various
quirks... eccentricities... bugaboos.... bκte noirs...
night terrors. It's the fun of being in love. I don't
know what's bothering me.
Frasier: Is it possible that your foot-dragging might have anything
to do with some lingering feelings for Daphne?
Niles: Frasier, uh, you must realize I put that behind me months
ago.
Frasier: Just asking.
Niles: I'm very happy with Mel.
Frasier: Well then, what's your problem?
Niles: Uh, well, let's see. I just got through with a rough
divorce. I do have a tendency to be overly cautious...
Frasier: This could be a chance to change all that.
Niles: So you're in favor of it?
Frasier: Well, I've never really been the president of the Mel fan
club, but she does seem to make you happy. And as we were
reminded this morning, life is not to be taken in baby steps.
Ask not for whom the doorman buzzes...
Niles: Thank you. All right. That was much-needed therapy.

He gets up to leave.

Frasier: Well, it was my pleasure. You're my brother, you get the
family rate.

Martin comes in as Niles gets to the door.

Martin: Hey, guys. Got all the way down to the Winnebago and realized
I had the wrong keys.
Niles: See you guys in a couple of days.
Martin: All right.

Niles leaves, Daphne enters from her room on the phone.

Daphne: You don't say, mum. Your phlebitis again?

She looks pleadingly at Frasier and holds the phone out.

Frasier: [bellowing] Daphne!
Daphne: Got to go now, mum, Dr. Crane's on the warpath again. Bye.
[Hangs up, then to Frasier] Thank you!
Martin: Daph, I'm glad you're here, because I was thinking about that
wine of Morrie's. You know, that's something really for a
special occasion. So, I'd like you to have for the wedding,
enjoy it on your honeymoon.
Daphne: [starting to cry] Oh, Mr. Crane!

She hugs him and cries on his shoulder.

Martin: Oh, Daphne, come on. Come on now, it's only a bottle of wine.
I don't even know that much about it. Frasier? Help me out
here, will you?
Frasier: Well Dad, Chateau Petrus is a premier crux Bordeaux...
Martin: No, no, no. No, I mean with Daphne.

Frasier comes over and holds Daphne.

Martin: There you go.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne.

Martin leaves.

Daphne: I'm sorry to get so emotional like this.
Frasier: It's all right. The funeral must've really upset you.
Daphne: It's not that. Dr. Crane? I've wanted to talk to you
about this all week, but I haven't known what to say.
You promise you'll keep this just between us?
Frasier: Of course.
Daphne: It's about your brother. You see, I know.
Frasier: Know what?
Daphne: I know about his feelings for me.
Frasier: My God! How did you find out?
Daphne: It's not important.
Frasier: Somebody blabbed, didn't they? Why can't people just mind
their own business? Who was the nattering gossip? Roz?
Dad?
Daphne: You.
Frasier: What?
Daphne: You were taking those pills for your back and you blurted
it out while I was giving you a massage.
Frasier: Oh, well, they were very strong pills, you see...
Daphne: Needless to say, it completely took my breath away. At first,
I tried to forget about it, put it out of my mind.
Frasier: Well, the bottle said just to take one, but I'm a big man...
Daphne: Oh, will you shut up about those pills?!
Frasier: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Daphne: Anyway, after a while, I couldn't put it out of my mind
anymore. I find myself thinking about him all the time.
Frasier: Daphne... are you saying that you have feelings for Niles?
Daphne: I think I do. Oh, I don't know! Even if I did, he may not
feel that way about me anymore, he's with Mel now!
Frasier: I-I don't know what to tell you, Daph. Uh, I, I, think the
best thing is for you to, to try to find a way to talk with
Niles.
Daphne: Ugh. That's not an easy conversation to have.
Frasier: It's easier now than after you're married.
Daphne: You're right, I have to talk to him. And right away. I'm
already making myself sick over this. If I leave it any
longer, I'll be a complete basket case. Uh, did he mention
if he was going home?
Frasier: Well, ah, actually, um, ah, he's going, ah, somewhere else
first. Um...
Daphne: Where?

CUT TO: the hallway.
Martin and Simon are getting off the elevator.

Martin: Get you some towels and you'll be all set down there.
Simon: Right.

They enter the apartment, Daphne is again sobbing on Frasier's
shoulder.

Martin: Oh, geez, Daphne! It's just a bottle of wine!

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FATTER


Scene One - Frasier's Living Room.
The doorbell rings.

Daphne: [v.o.] I'll get it!

FADE IN:
Daphne is in the apartment, eating cookies from a large bag.
She puts the bag down, composes herself... and opens the door
to reveal Frasier holding a lot of packages.

Daphne: Oh. Dr. Crane! I didn't even know you'd gone out.
I thought you might be your brother.
Frasier: Well, I went down to get the mail and got all these wedding
gifts for you. But don't worry, Niles called and said he'd
be coming by this afternoon.
Daphne: [picking up the bag and eating another cookie] I don't even
know how I'm going to begin this conversation.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure those chocolate-chip blackened teeth'll be a
nice icebreaker.
Daphne: I've been so nervous lately, I've done nothing but stuff
myself with junk food.

Frasier takes the bag and the doorbell rings.

Daphne: Oh, it's him!
Frasier: All right, all right, fine. You're gonna be just fine.
Okay? Remember to speak from the heart.

She goes to the door, composes herself... and opens the door to Martin.

Daphne: Mr. Crane!
Martin: Thanks! Eddie started doing his "I don't know how much
longer I can hold this" dance and I just ran out without
my keys. Have you ever seen him do that dance?
Frasier: Just the droll impression of it you do at parties, Dad.
Daphne: [again eating cookies] You know, Mr. Crane, Eddie seems
awfully fidgety. I don't think he got enough exercise
on that walk.
Martin: Anybody needs any exercise, it's you, the way you're eating
now. You know, when they put "Party Size" on that cookie
bag, they don't mean party of one.

The doorbell rings again. Frasier takes the bag and Daphne composes
herself again – then opens the door to Simon.

Daphne: Simon! What do you want?
Simon: Well, I've just come to borrow a pen so I can fill out this
job application.
Frasier: What? Oh, you're applying for work? Well here, allow me.
[Gives him a pen] Gosh, we'll miss you around here, but
onward and upward! [laughs] So, what's the job?
Simon: Doorman.

Frasier gasps and staggers, as Daphne supports him.

Frasier: Dear God.
Simon: Well, it's ideal for me, really. Nice cozy chair, plenty
of time to think the long, long thoughts of youth. Not to
mention what the uniforms do for the ladies, ah? [laughs]
If memory serves, a certain bellhop back in Manchester found
that out with a young lady who will remain nameless.
Daphne: Simon! [to Frasier] I tell you, I'm this close to just poppin'
him one!
Frasier: Now, now Daphne. Daphne, you just have to calm down. Here,
have a cookie. [Gives her the bag, she eats one]
Simon: What is up with your appetite lately? What, are you knocked
up or somethin'?
Daphne: Of course not!

She storms toward him, Frasier grabs her.

Simon: Now, now, you wouldn't be the first person in our family to be
walking down the aisle carrying more than just a bouquet.

Daphne lunges at him, with Frasier holding her back.
The doorbell rings again.

Frasier: Uh, Simon, why don't you finish filling that out in the
kitchen and help yourself to a beer?
Simon: Well, great!

He goes to the kitchen. Frasier takes the bag as Daphne composes
herself again... and opens the door to-

Daphne: Roz!
Roz: Hi, guys! Hey, Frasier? I felt kinda bad about the other day,
dumping you as my wedding date...
Frasier: You want me back, don't you?
Roz: And I'm sick about it. But I can't find anybody else.
Frasier: Sorry Roz, I already invited somebody else, she's driving up
on Saturday to join me.
Roz: Well, get rid of her! I need a date! I'm desperate!

Simon enters from the kitchen with a beer.

Simon: Well, well, somebody here is singin' my favorite song.
Roz: Simon? There's a guy who lives in the park across the street
from me. He wears a cat suit and meows at people. If he's
busy, maybe I'll call you.
Simon: I'm prettying myself up, just in case. Speaking of which,
Daphne, I borrowed your blow dryer for my job interview.
Daphne: I spent an hour looking for that! I thought I was losing
my mind!
Simon: Well, that does happen to women in your condition. You know,
in the family way.
Martin: [entering] You're pregnant?
Daphne: I AM NOT PREGNANT!
Simon: What, just another scare, then? Like that time back in school
with that Pakistani chap?
Daphne: [lunges at him] Right, that's it, you pig!

Roz ducks out of the way. Frasier gets in front of her, scoops her
over his shoulder and heads for the door.

Daphne: Oh, put me down!
Frasier: Daphne and I are going out for a breath of fresh air,
perhaps retrieve her blow dryer. Oh, if Niles should
happen to stop by, keep him here. There's something
important I need to discuss with him.

He is going out into the hall as he says this.

Reset to: Hallway
He shuts the door.

Daphne: Oh, for God's sake, put me down!
Frasier: Not until you promise not to k*ll your brother.

The elevator opens, he goes in and puts her down. There is a
neighbor with a basket of laundry next to them.

Daphne: Oh, all right! It's not as if he doesn't deserve it, telling
everyone I'm carrying Donny's baby! Like I don't have enough
to worry about today, waiting for Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Daphne, Daphne, you have to calm down.
Daphne: It's not easy. I don't even know how to begin with him.
"Would you like steak or salmon at my wedding? And by
the way, I think I might be in love with you."
Frasier: You'll find the words when the time comes, all right? [Glares
at the neighbor] And don't pretend you're not listening, Mrs.
Richman! Your laundry is not that interesting.

[N.B. Mrs. Richman is Doris from [5.09], “Perspectives on Christmas.”]

Back in the apartment, Roz is on the phone.

Roz: Oh, come on George, I'm desperate here. I promise you a
good time. I mean a REALLY good time, if you get my drift.
[Pause] You might have mentioned I was on speaker-phone!

She disconnects.

Simon: Listen to what you're doing, Roz. It's not very dignified,
is it?
Martin: Come on Roz, give Simon a chance.
Roz: So he can stand me up again?
Simon: And miss my sister's wedding? Never! If you're worried about
my appearance, I know where I can get my hands on some very
nice Armani suits.
Martin: Or you could just grab one out of Frasier's closet.
Roz: What did you think he was talking about? All right.
But Simon, just remember my ex-boyfriend will be there.
If anybody asks, you're an internet millionaire.
Simon: Right. I'll be the perfect, well-bred, up-market gentleman.
Now, I'll walk you to the garage.
Roz: Ah, you don't have to.
Simon: No, it's no bother. I live there.

They go to the door and open it to find (at last!) Niles.
He is wearing a large grin.

Niles: Roz!
Roz: Niles.
Niles: Simon!
Simon: Well, by the look of that smile on your face, I'd say somebody
got himself a bit last night. [gestures lewdly with arms]
Niles: [looking shocked and appalled] I find that remark rude,
boorish and IMPOSSIBLE TO DENY! [Breaks out laughing]
Simon: Brilliant!

Simon gives Niles a punch in the arm, knocking him back into the
hallway. Roz just looks disgusted as they leave. Niles comes in.

Martin: Niles, how was your trip?
Niles: Oh, fantastic, Dad. Where's Frasier? I have some news.
Martin: He'll be back in a bit. What's up?
Niles: Oh, well, uh, I should wait for Frasier, it was really his
idea. Do you mind?
Martin: I can wait.
Niles: Okay, I can't!
Martin: What is it?
Niles: I'm married!

b*at.

Martin: Married?
Niles: Yes, Mel and I eloped yesterday. [Martin is stunned] Well?
Martin: [gets up to hug him] Well... congratulations, son! That's
great. So, uh, you're happy, right?
Niles: Oh, happy? I'm delirious!
Martin: Yeah, you'd have to be, wouldn't you? So, you say this was
Frasier's idea?
Niles: Well, indirectly, yeah. Oh, oh, before I forget: it occurred
to me, I think we should keep this from Daphne and Donny. I
would hate for them to think we were stealing their thunder.

Frasier comes in.

Frasier: Oh, Niles.
Niles: Frasier, three guesses what I did yesterday...
Frasier: What?

Daphne enters behind him (with her blow dryer).

Niles: Daphne.
Daphne: Dr. Crane.
Niles: [to Martin] Oh, send Daphne away.
Daphne: [to Frasier] Get rid of your father.
Martin: Daphne, could you go to the drugstore? I'm all out of
liniment and my back's gettin' kinda achy.
Frasier: You know, Dad, that's because you've been sitting in that
chair all day. I'll tell you what, you know what you could
use? A good walk to the drugstore. Do you a world of good.
I'll go with you.

Frasier grabs Martin's arm and cane and starts dragging him to
the door.

Martin: Well, okay, all right. Niles, why don't you come too?
Niles: Yeah, we'll all go. [He starts to follow]
Frasier: No, no, there's something very important I need to discuss
with Dad, Niles. I'm sure you understand.
Martin: Fras...!

Frasier slams the door behind them. Niles and Daphne look at each
other a moment and then Niles's cell phone goes off.

Niles: Oh, excuse me. [Answers phone] Hello? Mel, darling!
Oh, just hanging out with Daphne.

CUT TO: the hallway.
Frasier and Martin are waiting for the elevator.

Frasier: Honestly Dad, when will you learn to take a hint?
Martin: I can't take a hint? Couldn't you see that Niles wanted
to talk to you?

The elevator opens and they get on. Mrs. Richman is there, without
the basket, apparently going back for another load.

Frasier: Well, whatever it is, it can wait.
Martin: Oh, yeah! No big deal, he just got married, that's all!
Frasier: What?
Martin: He eloped with Mel yesterday.
Richman: Poor Daphne...
Frasier: Would you please keep out of this, Mrs. Richman? We have got
to get back up there. [Stabs at the buttons]
Martin: We're going to the basement.
Frasier: I can't wait that long!

The doors open on a lower floor. Frasier runs around the corner
to the stairs.

CUT BACK TO: the living room.

Niles: [on phone] I'll see you later, darling. [Hangs up] Sorry about
that.
Daphne: It's all right.

Niles sits down on the couch.

Niles: So, forty-eight hours 'til the big day, you must be pretty
excited.
Daphne: It's funny you should mention that. [Sits on the couch beside
him] You see, Dr. Crane...
Niles: Yes, Daphne?
Frasier: [bursts through door] NILES!

Niles and Daphne stand up in shock; Frasier freezes in the door,
wondering if his entrance was precipitous.

Daphne: Dr. Crane! You're back awfully soon!
Niles: You're all out of breath, is something wrong?
Frasier: Ah, no, no. It's just there's something I need to discuss
with Niles.
Daphne: What, now? We were just having a chat!
Frasier: Well I'm sure it can wait.
Niles: Actually Daphne, I need to talk to Frasier, too. If you
don't mind.
Daphne: Oh! Of course not! It's not like I have anything
important to talk about!

She storms off to her room, grabbing the bag of cookies on her way.
Martin comes in behind Frasier.

Niles: Daphne all right?
Frasier: Well, uh, it's just wedding stuff, I guess. Speaking of which,
I understand you have some, some news? You're married?
Niles: Yes. I guess Dad couldn't contain himself any more than
I could.
Frasier: Well, I thought you were just gonna move in together.
Niles: Well, so did I! But then the strangest thing happened.
As we talked about it, we got more and more excited about
the idea of being together. And then I remembered your
advice.

Martin gives Frasier a very hooded look right here.

Niles: To stop taking baby steps through life. Before we knew it,
we were asking the waitress for a phone book so we could
find a justice-of-the-peace.

The doorbell rings, Martin gets it.

Frasier: Well, what can I say, but... congratulations.
Niles: Thank you!

They hug. Martin opens the door, it is Mel with a bottle of champagne.

Mel: Martin! Or should I say "Dad"?
Martin: [nervous] Yeah, I heard.
Frasier: Mel.

Daphne comes out of her room behind Niles.

Niles: Darling... oh, darling, it occurred to me that perhaps we
should keep this quiet from Daphne.
Daphne: Keep what quiet?
Mel: Oh, we can't keep something like this a secret! [takes
Niles's hand] We got married!
Daphne: [freezes for a second, then] Did you?

Behind Niles and Mel, Frasier looks heartsick.

Niles: Yes, while we were out of town. But the last thing we want
is to upstage you and Donny, so we are not mentioning this
outside this room.

Mel makes a little lip-locking gesture.

Daphne: [coming to them and taking each of their hands] Well, I am
just so happy for you both.
Niles: We're having champagne. Would you like to join us?
Daphne: Oh, I'd love to. But I have to get a check down to the
caterers, they're closing early today.
Frasier: Let me drive you over, Daphne.
Daphne: Oh, no, I'm fine. Congratulations again. Oh, save a glass
for me.

CUT TO: the hallway.
She goes out into the hallway. We follow as she pushes the button
for the elevator. Her shoulders shake with sobs she is holding back.

As the elevator doors open, her face breaks and she lets out a sob.
Mrs. Richman is standing there with her basket. She puts it down,
opens her arms and takes Daphne into a hug to cry on her shoulder.

END OF ACT TWO