08x01 - And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon [1]

[bunniefuu]

PROLOGUE

Scenes from “Something Borrowed, Someone Blue”:

Niles announcing his elopement in Frasier's apartment.
"PREVIOUSLY ON FRASIER" at the bottom of the screen.

Niles: It occurred to me I think perhaps we should try to keep this
quiet from Daphne.
Daphne: Keep what quiet?
***
Mel: We got married!

Daphne talking to Frasier.

Frasier: Daphne, are you saying you have feelings for Niles?
Daphne: I think I do.

Frasier and Martin at the bar at the Wayside Inn.

Martin: You can't tell Niles all this, he says he's happy with Mel.
Frasier: She says she's happy with Donny. But I'm not sure I believe
either one of them.
***
Martin: Just remember, Fras: there are two marriages on the line
here.

Niles and Daphne on the balcony.

Niles: I will get a divorce and you can call off the wedding.
Daphne: I can't! Donny is a dear and wonderful man, and I made a
promise to him.
***
Daphne: I'm sorry, my mind's made up.

Daphne entering the Winnebago.

Daphne: Hello.
***
Daphne: I was wondering...if you might be free for a date?
Niles: [rushing to embrace her] Oh, my God, yes!
Daphne: [separating them] There's plenty of time for that later,
let's get this bloody boat moving!

Act 1

Scene 1 - The Winnebago

Fade in. Niles is driving the Winnebago, Daphne in the passenger
seat beside him. They are both giddy.

Niles: I can't believe this!
Daphne: Neither can I!
Niles: What made you change your mind?
Daphne: My little niece, Audrey, the flower girl. She looked up at me
and said "You're the saddest bride I've ever seen." I figured
who was I kidding if I couldn't fool a four-year-old with an
eye patch?
Niles: Remind me to give her a car for her preschool graduation.
Daphne: [laughing] The next thing I knew, I was climbing out the
window of the loo!
Niles: You mean...you didn't tell Donny?
Daphne: I didn't tell anyone. Can't you get this thing moving any
faster?
Niles: Well, I would, but we have to watch out for speed...

There is a thump and the front of the Winnebago jumps.

Niles: ...bumps.

Another thump and the back of the Winnebago jolts.

Daphne: I've never done anything this crazy! Are you nervous?
Niles: Only that I'm gonna wake up.

Daphne gazes at him lovingly. Niles’s cell phone rings and he reaches
for it.


Daphne: Don't answer it! It's probably your brother wondering if
you've seen me.
Niles: Maybe it's Mel wondering why it's taking me half an hour to
put on insect repellant.

The phone rings a few more times then stops.

Niles: Good.

Niles sets the phone down and brakes the Winnebago to a stop.

Niles: Here we are: the end of the driveway. Which way shall we
go?
Daphne: Well, to the right is Seattle, and to the left I guess, is
Canada.
Niles: Any thoughts?
Daphne: Well, what's left for us in Seattle? Ex-wives, an ex-fiancé...
a tangled mess of bitterness and hurt feelings.
Niles: Yes, but an excellent symphony and world-class dining.
Daphne: Then there's Canada: a fresh start, a chance for adventure.
Niles: [looking that way] Grizzly bears.

The cell phone starts ringing again.

Daphne: I don't care! Just pick one, let's go!
Niles: [reaching for the phone] Maybe we should just...
Daphne: No! We can't think about that. I just ran out on my wedding,
I can't go back. I need you to be strong.
Niles: For you, I have the strength of Hercules.

He leans over to kiss her, but is caught short by the seat belt.
He struggles against it for a moment as she looks confused, then
blows her a kiss.

Niles: I love you.
Daphne: And I love you.

The cell phone rings again.

Daphne: They're not going away, are they?
Niles: If you want to keep going, I'll go.
Daphne: No. We better go back and face the music. We should make
things right.
Niles: OK.

He answers the cell phone.

Niles: All right, all right, we're on our way back! Excuse me?
...No, there is no Wendel Fong here.

He disconnects and puts it down.

Daphne: This is gonna be friggin' awful!
Niles: Well, maybe. Maybe not.

He puts the Winnebago in reverse and starts backing up.

Niles: Sometimes you build these things up in your mind, and they
turn out not half as bad as you thought.

SMASH CUT TO: a close-up of Daphne, Donny's point of view

Daphne: That being said, I guess there's no easy way to tell you this:
I'm in love with Niles, and I can't marry you.

The view shifts and moves as Donny reels.

Daphne: Donny, are you all right?

The view fades out as he faints. There is the noise of something
hitting the ground and a grunt.

Daphne: Donny!

SMASH CUT TO: c.u. of Niles, Mel's p.o.v.

Niles: Mel, did you hear what I just said? Say something. Anything.

There is a bloodcurdling scream. Niles looks around frantically and
makes shushing motions.

SMASH CUT TO: Frasier's BMW.
Frasier is driving down the road, Martin in the passenger seat,
both looking grim. Niles and Daphne are in the back seat, looking
shell-shocked.

Niles: [stunned] Wow.

FADE OUT.

Scene 2 - Frasier's BMW
Everything as before.

Daphne: [stunned] Wow.

There is an awkward silence.

Martin: Anyone try those little crab cakes? [off Frasier's look]
What? They were good.
Frasier: All right, Dad! We just had front row seats for what is
arguably the most disastrous wedding in history. Can't just
ignore it with a lot of inane chit chat.

Another silence.

Niles: Did you try that mustard dip that went with them? It was good.
Frasier: Niles?
Niles: Frankly, I prefer a little inane chit chat to talking about
what actually happened back there.
Daphne: Poor Donny. I've never seen him so upset. I just wish I'd
broken the news to him in a carpeted room instead of the rock
garden. I just can't help feeling that our happiness has
come at the expense of Mel and Donny.
Martin: There was no easy way out of this. But you guys did the
right thing coming back. I'm proud of you both.
Niles: Thanks Dad. And... thank you, Frasier. As painful as it was
back there, we owe you a debt of gratitude. Daphne and I are
here now because of you.
Frasier: Please, Niles, I really didn't do all that much. Just a
minor pluck of Cupid's bow.
Daphne: Nonsense. You set this whole thing in motion.
Frasier: Stop it. I'm blushing! Just seeing you two kids together
is thanks enough for me. Although I, I wouldn't turn down
a bottle of '82 Latour.

Niles and Daphne laugh at this.

Niles: [sotto voce to Daphne] He's not kidding.
Daphne: I know.
Martin: Oh, look. Isn't that my Winnebago pulling out from the gas
station?
Frasier: Oh, I'd say so. You know, Dad, I'm amazed you let Simon
drive that thing.
Martin: Oh, it'll be fine. I gave him a lecture about drinking and
driving.
Frasier: He did understand you were discouraging it?
Martin: [laughing] Of course. [He looks thoughtful for a moment.]
Uh-oh.
Daphne: Just hope he gets my family to the airport on time.
I wouldn't want them to miss their plane, if you
get my drift.
Martin: Yeah, it's them all right. Look, it's all your brothers
waving from the back.

They all wave.

Daphne: Hello.
Martin: Hey, how ya doin'?
Niles: Hello.
Martin: See ya!

Suddenly they all look shocked. Niles grimaces, Daphne hides her gaze.

Daphne: Oh, well that's very nice. Ugh...
Frasier: Living up to the "Moon" family name, I see.

They all look disgusted. FADE OUT.

IF THEY'D GIVEN CASH
HE'D BE IN CABO BY NOW


Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Daphne and Roz are wrapping boxes, Martin is eating breakfast.

Daphne: So did Simon get you home all right after dropping my family
at the airport?
Roz: Oh, yeah. He entertained the whole neighborhood trying to
parallel park the Winnebago. The highlight was when he
flattened a whole row of newspaper racks.
Martin: How many did he get? My record's five.
Daphne: I suppose he followed that up with some sort of clumsy
advance.
Roz: Oh, he tried, but I told him to get lost. Then he hit on my
babysitter! She showed him why she's the star of her JV
soccer team.
Daphne: You know, Mum claims he was dropped as a child. I think he
was thrown. [they laugh] I can't thank you enough for helping
me return these wedding gifts. I've been dreading it. Just
reminds me of how many people I've disappointed.
Martin: Daph, you really outdid yourself on these corn muffins today.
They're light... moist... corny...
Daphne: [to Roz] He's just being so sweet to me because of all of this.
Martin: No, I mean it! They're delicious!
Daphne: He hates 'em. Watch this. [to him] You know, if you finish
those up, I'll make another batch. In fact, I'll fill the
freezer and we'll have them with every meal.
Martin: All right, all right, I give! Try to do something nice around
here.

He tosses the rest of the muffin to Eddie. Simon comes in the front
carrying a couple of gifts.

Simon: Right, that's the last of it. Look sharp, Daphne!

He tosses a gift, which bounces off the arm of the couch and falls to
the floor with a shattering sound.

Daphne: Simon, you idiot!
Simon: Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist, I already dropped it
in the elevator.
Daphne: I think you've helped enough for one day.

Roz takes the other gift from him and he goes to sit by Martin.

Martin: Simon, how about a little breakfast?
Simon: Oh, no thanks, Marty. I've already had a lovely crispy golden
waffle and a foamy cappuccino down in the Winnebago.
Martin: The Winnebago? That doesn't have a waffle iron or a
cappuccino maker.
Daphne: Wait a minute, these gifts look like they've been unwrapped
and then wrapped again. Simon!
Simon: You know what that is, Daphne? That's a bread maker,
which you did not register for. Some people are so
bloody thoughtless.
Daphne: That's stealing! These gifts are going back!

The doorbell rings.

Simon: Never! Returning used merchandise is unethical. And I for
one will never be party to it.

Daphne opens the door, it is Niles. They move to kiss each other,
but, noticing the others staring, don't quite connect.

Niles: So... returning wedding presents, I take it. That's one
problem Mel and I avoided by eloping. No presents to return
when, uh... when, uh...
Simon: When you shag someone else's wife?
Daphne: Simon!

She slaps him on the head on her way to the kitchen.

Daphne: Would you like some coffee?
Niles: Oh, I'd love some. Here, let me help.

He starts to follow her into the kitchen, but stops at the table.

Niles: Ooh, Dad, those look good. What are they?

He reaches for a corn muffin as Martin checks to see that Daphne is
out of earshot.

Martin: Doorstops.
Niles: [pulling his hand back] Thank you.

He hurries on into the kitchen.

Reset to: the kitchen as he enters.
Daphne turns and they embrace and kiss tenderly.

Niles: How'd you sleep last night?
Daphne: I didn't. How 'bout you?
Niles: Not a wink. Um, you know, as pleasant as it was riding up and
down that driveway yesterday, I, I think it hardly qualifies
as a date, so I have a surprise for you. I made reservations
for tonight at Au Pied du Cochon, and after, we're going
dancing at the Starlight Room. It'll be our first official
date. You free?
Daphne: Wow, this is awfully short notice. Can I get back to you?
Niles: Yeah, of course.
Daphne: [laughing] Of course I'm free, ya silly sausage. It sounds
wonderful!
Niles: Um, uh, Daphne, uh... About us. I, uh, think we shouldn't
rush into anything, like living together, or, or even...
physical relations until I have the situation resolved with
Mel. You have any thoughts about that?
Daphne: Oh, I'm so relieved. I feel exactly the same way. We need
to get to know each other in this whole new light first.
Niles: We're completely simpatico.
Daphne: Yes.

Daphne turns back to the counter. Niles grimaces, clenches his fists
and waves his arms in a tantrum, finally sighing and letting his
shoulders slump in resignation.

Daphne: Although, you know, in some respects, we're much further
ahead than most couples. I already know how you take your
coffee. Cream.
Niles: Mm-hmm.
Daphne: One sugar.
Niles: Mm-hmm. And two lips.

She turns and they kiss again. Frasier comes into the kitchen.

Frasier: Morning.
Niles: [breaking the kiss] Good morning. No, I don't see anything
in your eye.

Niles turns away and Daphne rubs at her eye.

Frasier: For God's sake, I got news for you: the cat is out of the bag!
Daphne: Well, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not used to kissing the
boss's brother in the kitchen. [nervous] Not that I'm used
to kissing him any other place. [laughing] I mean any other
room...
Frasier: Yes, yes, Daphne, I know what you mean! So, how are you two
doing?

They both giggle smugly.

Niles: Well, well we're deliriously happy, of course. Although, I,
I keep thinking about Mel and how she must be feeling today.

Niles’s cell phone rings, he pulls it out and goes to the back of the
kitchen.

Niles: Excuse me.
Daphne: Poor Donny. He must be devastated. I'll never forgive
myself for that. Maybe I should go and see him.
Frasier: I wouldn't, Daph. You know, Donny and Mel have suffered a
terrible blow. They'll need space and time to lick their
wounds. Believe me, in the emotional state they're in, the
last thing they'll want is to speak with either of you.
Niles: [into phone] Hold on. Frasier, could you hold it down?
It's Mel.
Frasier: That woman never misses an opportunity to show me up!

He exits, Roz comes into the kitchen.

Roz: Daphne, Simon is opening your gifts.
Daphne: Bloody hell!

She rushes to the living room.

Reset to: the living room as she hurries over to Simon and grabs the
present.

Daphne: Simon, give me that!
Simon: Roz, you little snitch! You know, I'm starting to have
serious doubts about whether you're gonna be the future
mother of my children.
Roz: Somewhere out there, the future mother of your children just
lifted her head from a puddle of drool.

The doorbell rings.

Simon: Yeah, but I'll bet she's got a ripper body.

Daphne opens the door to reveal a messenger.

Messenger: Daphne Moon?
Daphne: Yes.
Messenger: [handing her flowers] These are for you.
Daphne: Oh, goodness!
Messenger: [handing her some papers] And so is this. Consider yourself
served.
Daphne: What?!

The messenger leaves as Daphne looks at the papers. Niles comes in
from the kitchen with the coffee.

Niles: Well, you won't believe this: Mel insists on seeing me.
[noticing Daphne] Wow. Wonderful flowers, who are they
from?
Frasier: Well, I can't read the card from here, but I'd say they're
from Donny.
Niles: Is he trying to get you back?
Daphne: Oh, he's getting me back, all right. He's suing me!
Niles: [crossing to Daphne] What?
Simon: Call me crazy, but you know what I think we all need right
now? A nice pot of fondue. I'm sure I seen one in here
somewhere.

He begins rummaging through the gifts as Roz tries to stop him.
FADE OUT.

End of Act 1

Act 2

GUESS WHO'S SHORT,
WEARS A TUXEDO AND HAS
FROSTING ALL OVER HIS FEET?


Scene 1 - Donny's Office
Fade in. Frasier knocks, then enters Donny's office, which is dark.

Frasier: Donny? Are you in here?
Donny: Hi, Fras.

Donny’s voice comes from his chair, which is turned with its back to
Frasier. He speaks in the careful sing-song of a heavily-medicated
man.

Frasier: It's kind of dark in here. You think maybe we could turn on
the light?
Donny: OK.
Frasier: Oh, OK. [He turns the lights on.] There we go, that's better.
Ah... Donny? You're gonna have to turn around. I can't see
you.
Donny: Well, we can't see you either.
Frasier: We?
Donny: Oh, that's right, you haven't met my little friend.

He swivels around. He’s dressed in the shirt from his wedding clothes,
and unshaven. He holds up a little plastic groom.

Donny: You remember him? From the top of the wedding cake? I call
him "Mr. Chump." Say hello to Mr. Chump.
Frasier: Oh, well, Donny...
Donny: I said say hello!
Frasier: Hello, Mr. Chump. Donny, are you all right?
Donny: Oh, yeah. I wasn't feeling very well yesterday, but the
doctor gave me a few pills and I'm feeling much better now.
So, what can I do for you?
Frasier: Well, before I get to that, Donny, I'd like you to know that
my visit here was completely my own idea. Daphne has nothing
to do with it. What happened to you yesterday was
unforgivable... and devastating. I know whereof I speak. You
see, I too was once... abandoned at the altar. You're feeling
abandoned and hurt, and completely alone.
Donny: Aren't you forgetting someone?

He holds up the plastic figure.

Frasier: Just so we're clear: All my remarks refer to human
relationships.
Donny: Well...
Frasier: Daphne realizes you went to great expense for this wedding,
and she is prepared to repay you over time, but Donny, this
hundred thousand dollars in punitive damages for emotional
distress; that's not you. That's not the Donny Douglas I
know.
Donny: It's not?
Frasier: No. You don't want to sue Daphne.
Donny: I'm a lawyer, it's my natural impulse. Oh, you know, maybe
I am being too hard on Daphne. In all fairness, she's not
totally to blame.
Frasier: Gosh, there's plenty of blame to go around. I mean, even I
played a minor part in these events.
Donny: [sitting up] You? I was talking about me.
Frasier: Well, you, me, everyone. Let he who is without sin, right?
Anyway, I'm glad we had this talk. God bless.
Donny: No, wait, wait, wait, wait...just a minute. What "minor part"
did you play?
Frasier: I may have mentioned in passing to Niles and Daphne how they
felt about each other. Which may have, conceivably, set this
...whole thing in motion. Perhaps!
Donny: You did this on my wedding day?
Frasier: Oh, no. No, Donny, no. It was the night before, but... what
I'm trying to say is if you feel the urge to yell at someone,
well then yell at me. If you want to take a swing at someone,
then here's my chin. [Donny jumps up.] Are you going to hit me?
Donny: Oh, yeah. I'm gonna hit you. I'm gonna hit you with tortious
interference and intentional and negligent infliction of
emotional distress. In layman's terms: I'm gonna sue your ass
off!
Frasier: Me?! But Daphne's the one who left you at the altar!
Donny: That's right. That's why I'm suing her for breach of contract!
Frasier: Donny, Donny listen, you're being emotional right now. Give
this a few days and I'm sure you'll feel much better.

Donny puts on his jacket.

Donny: Actually, I'm feeling a lot better, thank you Frasier. Suing
you is just the tonic I needed. You know what else? I'm
starving. I haven't eaten in twenty-four hours. I'd ask you
to join me, but, uh, you should be saving your money. Turn
out the lights when you leave. Oh, by the way, Fras. Who's
Mr. Chump now?

He puts the plastic figure in Frasier's pocket, then turns and leaves.
FADE OUT.

Scene 2 - Cafe Nervosa
Fade in. Martin and Niles are sitting at the table by the window.

Niles: Where is Mel? That woman is punctual to a fault. This is a
bad sign.
Martin: She's only five minutes late.
Niles: Five?! I thought it was two! She's doing this intentionally,
she's playing mind games. [gasp] She's hoping to undermine
my confidence, [gasp] so she'll have the advantage. [gasp]
Martin: Yeah, but you're showin' her.

Frasier comes in.

Frasier: I'm sorry I'm late. What's wrong with Niles?
Martin: Oh, he's in a tizzy 'cause Mel's late.
Frasier: Dear God! She's never late!

Niles begins hyperventilating. Frasier sits beside him.

Frasier: Steady Niles!

Niles puts his head between his knees.

Martin: Nice job, Frasier. Well, how'd things go with Donny?
Frasier: Well, I used every psychological trick in my bag to get
myself added to the lawsuit.
Niles: That's unforgivable!
Frasier: Tell me about it.
Niles: No, that prune danish that Dad dropped down here last
Thursday is still here!

Frasier and Martin look, then Martin points out the window.

Martin: Oh, I think I see Mel pullin' in.
Niles: Don't panic! [He lifts his head, banging it on the table.]
Thanks for the moral support. Don't let her see you here.
Frasier: [rising] OK. If you need us, we'll be right up there.
Niles: Thanks.

Martin and Frasier sit at the table around the support column,
covering their faces with newspapers. Mel walks in, wearing
large, dark sunglasses.

Niles: Hello Mel.
Mel: Niles.
Niles: Please.

He holds a chair for her and she sits. He sits across from her.

Mel: Well, here we are: our four-day anniversary.
Niles: Mel, I never meant to...
Mel: What? Hurt me? If that were the case, you never would have
run off with your... maid whore, leaving me holding the
brochures to our honeymoon.
Niles: Technically, she's a physical therapist. [off her look]
You were saying?
Mel: If you think that I...

She breaks down and Niles pulls out his handkerchief.

Niles: Oh, Mel. Here, here...
Mel: No!

She slams her hands down on the table. Niles jumps and sends his
handkerchief flying, managing to catch it. Mel takes off her
sunglasses.

Mel: I promised myself I wouldn't cry, damn it! I want you to
listen to me very carefully. Last night, as I lay in bed,
awake, I thought I'm either going to k*ll you, or I'm going
to k*ll myself.
Niles: Well, here you are, so I guess that leaves, uh...
Mel: Will you shut up and let me finish? I realized that wouldn't
solve anything. So, I've decided to make this as painless as
possible. You will have your divorce, Niles, and it will be
quick and clean.
Niles: That's very generous...
Mel: Hold your applause, there are some conditions. As you know,
I have a certain standing in my social circle that's important
to me, and having my husband of three days run off with some
Cockney tart is a humiliation I'd prefer to avoid.
Niles: Yes, I understand completely.
Mel: So this is how this is going to play out. For the next few
weeks, as far as rest of the world is concerned, we are still
happily married.
Niles: Check.
Mel: We will appear together in public, at various social occasions.
Niles: Check.
Mel: In private, I don't want to lay eyes on you.
Niles: Check, check.
Mel: And when a suitable amount of time has passed, I will file for
divorce.
Niles: It seems like you've thought of everything.
Mel: I have. [She hands him a box.] Here's the watch I was going
to give you as a wedding gift. Please wear it when we're
together.
Niles: [looking at it] It's, uh... [He peers closer.]
Mel: Yes, it said "Forever Yours". I scratched it out with a
screwdriver.
Niles: There's something else crudely carved here, but... ah. Well,
at least you were able to use that "f" from "forever".

Angle on Frasier and Martin, who have been watching this.

Martin: Maybe it's not gonna be so bad after all, she just gave him
a watch.
Frasier: Isn't this all too typical? [He pulls out the plastic groom.]
Niles leaves his wife for another woman, he gets a gift. I
try to do the right thing and I get Mr. Chump and a lawsuit!
[He puts the figure away.]
Martin: Frasier, I know you thought it was for the best, but I told
you not to go see Donny, didn't I?
Frasier: Yes, you did.
Martin: But you went down there anyway, didn't you?
Frasier: Yes, I did!
Martin: I told you not to screw around with lawyers, didn't I?
Frasier: All right, Dad!
Martin: [quietly] I told him not to go down there.
Frasier: Will you shut up?!

Mel gets up and leaves.

Frasier: All right, there she goes.

Martin and Frasier rush over to sit with Niles.

Martin: So?
Frasier: Niles?
Niles: Ah, well, um, all things considered, not so bad. In exchange
for a neat and tidy divorce, all I have to do is play the
doting husband at some social functions for a few weeks.
Martin: Oh, that doesn't sound so bad.
Frasier: What kind of social functions?
Niles: Well, uh, for instance, ah, tonight...is our wedding reception.
Frasier: Dear God!
Niles: Well, since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to
throw a last minute get-together to toast our nuptials.
Martin: Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you won't be the
only one gettin' your nuptials toasted.

Frasier glares at him. FADE OUT.