08x16 - DocuDrama

[bunniefuu]

ACT ONE
Scene One - KACL
Frasier is wrapping up the show.

Frasier: And sadly, no one was able to answer today's psychological
mind-teaser, so once again the prize goes unclaimed. By the
way, today's answer was "anhedonia." Anhedonia. [chuckles]
This is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying good day Seattle, and good
mental health.

He goes off the air. Kenny comes in.

Kenny: [low whistle] That was a real brain-bender, Doc. You know,
the idea is to let people win once in a while.
Frasier: Oh please, Kenny, I will not pander. When some lucky
individual looks at his prize, I want him to be able
to say, "I earned this."
Kenny: It's an antenna ball!
Frasier: Well...
Kenny: [as Roz comes in] Oh Roz, I got some good news!
Your documentary is a go!
Roz: Oh, that's great! Thank you, Kenny! [hugs him]
Kenny: Congratulations!
Frasier: Roz, you're doing a documentary?
Roz: Yeah well, I've been wanting to do something on my own,
so I thought I'd do a special on space - what with it
being 2001 and all. We're gonna do the Cassini mission
to Saturn, and telerobotics, that kind of stuff.
Kenny: [re: Frasier] You got a show, [re: Roz] you got a show –
I don't know who to kiss up to anymore!
Roz: You don't have to kiss up to anyone.
Kenny: Ho-ho-ho! I wish I didn't.

Kenny leaves the booth.

Frasier: So Roz, you're a space nerd!
Roz: I wouldn't go that far. There is just something about
rockets, though.
Frasier: Ah, indeed. [Orson Welles voice] Roz, sounds like your show
could be a portal from which we can glimpse the promise of the
future - a promise linked by a billion stars. God speed, Roz
Doyle.
Roz: You wouldn't by any chance be hoping to narrate this,
would you?
Frasier: [innocent] Me?
Roz: Well, actually I was gonna ask you, but I was afraid it might
be kind of awkward, you working for me. I mean, you've been
my boss for eight years. I just wasn't sure if you could
handle it.
Frasier: Oh Roz, pooh! I welcome a little role reversal, I think it'll
do our relationship a lot of good.
Roz: As long as you promise it won't be a problem.
Frasier: No, of course not. Gosh, you know, actually I'm kind of
excited. You may not know this, but as a tyke I had my heart
set on space flight. [sighs] Tragic, isn't it? How a child's
dreams can be squashed by a single ride on a diabolically
speedy Tilt-A-Whirl?

He leaves.

FADE OUT

Scene Two - Apartment
Martin is seated at the coffee table with a heaping bowl of chili.
With slow, reverent movements, he breaks soup crackers into the bowl,
tucks a large napkin into his collar, then takes the first spoonful
and raises it to his lips-

The doorbell rings.

Martin: Ah, jeez!

He gets up and opens the door to Niles.

Niles: Hey.
Martin: Hey Niles, just in time for chili! It's my best batch all
week.
Niles: Do you ever miss vegetables?
Martin: [sitting back down] For your information, College, the bean is
a vegetable. So what's new with Daphne? How are things at
the Fat Farm?
Niles: It's a spa.
Martin: Oh, sorry. How are things at the Fat Spa? [eats a spoonful]
Niles: Fine, fine. She's doing very well. She's losing weight and
gaining friends. Uh Dad, I had an idea about something you
and I could do together, you know? Did you happen to read the
Arts & Leisure section today?
Martin: The jumble? Did it, "A good man is hard to find."
Niles: Actually, I was thinking of something a little loftier.

Martin squirts a huge dollop of ketchup into his chili.

Niles: [after a pause] Dad, do you remember when Frasier was in
college, a little tradition you and I had every spring?
Martin: Oh, the kite festival?
Niles: Mmm-hmm.
Martin: I thought they didn't do that anymore.
Niles: They're bringing it back this year! I want us to enter,
just like old times!
Martin: Oh, we made some good kites, didn't we?
Niles: Great kites! The "Blue Baron."
Martin: The "Screaming Meamie."
Niles: The "Shield of Perseus."
Martin: You came up with that one, didn't you?
Niles: Thank you. So, what do you say? You want to do it?
Martin: Oh-ho, I'd love to, Niles. But I can't fly kites anymore,
not with my hip.
Niles: Let me be your hip. We'll build it together, and then I'll
fly it. I'm old enough now!
Martin: What the hell? You know, I'm gonna go make some sketches.
You know, I always wanted to try a dragon.
Niles: That's a great idea! We'll name it Fafnir, after Siegfried's
fiery nemesis!
Martin: Maybe we'll just make a fish.

FADE TO:

SPACE ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US


Scene Three - Conference Room
Roz is seated at the head of the conference table with two
scriptwriters, Ed and B.K. April, a secretary, stands behind
her.

Roz: And before we get started on the script, I have a couple of
production notes. Ed, can you get me forty more seconds of
the Mir transmissions?
Ed: No problem.

Frasier comes in with his briefcase.

Frasier: Hello everyone, I'm terribly sorry I'm late. Please, continue.
Lead on, maestra.

He sits down, and as Roz resumes, he mouths words at the secretary,
who doesn't understand.

Roz: OK. Kenny's only giving me a couple of hours to record,
so we'll do the big chunks first and the third two's last.
And if we have any time at the end of the session, we'll
tape the promos - Frasier, what are you doing?
Frasier: I'm sorry, Roz, I-I was just looking for a little caffeine
kick-start.
Roz: Can it wait until we have a break?
Frasier: Yes, of course it can. You're the maestra.
Roz: Can you please stop calling me that? [he makes an OK sign]
Does everybody have a script?
Frasier: Right.
Ed: Got it.
B.K.: Got it.
Roz: Now, I think basically we're in good shape, but I felt like it
dragged a little in the middle. Any thoughts?
Ed: I agree. Uh, maybe we should talk about the social aspects –
the panic that spread through the schools because they weren't
emphasizing space-
Roz: Oh, I like that! Good idea.
B.K.: What about the space program as a tool for the politicians?
Roz: Good angle! These are great ideas, guys, keep 'em coming.
Frasier: You know, I thought we might intercut between the Russian and
American programs and build up the tension of the space race.
Roz: I don't think so.

Frasier is put out.

Ed: What about that dog the Russians sent up?
Roz: I love that! People like dogs!
Frasier: How about those chimps?
Roz: I don't know. I mean, this isn't "Zoo in Space." So, uh,
it looks like we're filled out in the middle here, so I think
we're doing OK.

Frasier raises a finger.

Roz: What, Frasier?
Frasier: Well, it's just a teeny thing, Roz. I was thinking that,
seeing as how it is the jumping-off place for the future,
that we might devote two segments to the International Space
Station.
Roz: Thanks, but I've worked this out very specifically.
B.K.: You know, I was thinking we could combine the stuff about the
manned and unmanned missions into one segment and spread out
the space station.
Roz: Oh, I like that! Good idea, B.K.
Frasier: I just said that.
Roz: Well, I didn't hear you.
Frasier: Well, you must have heard me, Roz, because you said no!
Roz: Frasier, let's move on, shall we? OK, let's talk music.
B.K.: What if we lead off the program with the music from "2001: A
Space Odyssey"?
Roz: Home run, B.K.!

Frasier starts uhm-ing and ah-ing, shaking his head and clenching
his fists.

Roz: What is it, Frasier?
Frasier: Well, it - not to belittle your suggestion, B.K., which I love –
it's just that particular piece of music, uh, has been a bit,
ah, I don't know, a bit... overused. And it occurs to me that
perhaps an equally evocative, but less familiar piece of music
might better serve. Thank you.
Ed: You mean something like "The Planets" by Holst?
Frasier: Exactly, it's a little less on the nose.

As they go on, Roz tries to regain control.

B.K.: What about Phillip Glass? You know, go completely minimalist.
Frasier: It's like space! Now we're cooking!
B.K.: Have you listened to Sun Ra? It's from the sixties.
Frasier: This is good!
Ed: For the American program, we can use American music, like
Copeland.
Frasier: Better yet, Charles Ives! And then for the Russians, we can
use-
April: Shostakovich!
Frasier: Let's do it!
Roz: FRASIER! Can I talk to you for a second?
Frasier: Well, yes, of course, Roz. You're the boss. Be back in five,
everybody.

They step out into the hall.

Frasier: Uh, listen Roz, let me give you just one little piece of
advice. I find that when I'm in a leadership position,
the best way to rally my staff-
Roz: What staff?! I'm your staff, and I've been listening to you
for eight years, and I would like for you to listen to me for
a change!
Frasier: And I support that-
Roz: Then SHUT UP!
Frasier: [sulky] Well... I'm not sure that's a very wise tone to take
if you don't want to lose your narrator.
Roz: Is that a thr*at?
Frasier: Well, I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the
best interests of the show.
Roz: Well, maybe "the show" would be better off without you.
Frasier: Well, then maybe I should just leave "the show."
Roz: Well, maybe that's what "the show" wants you to do.
Frasier: Well then, "the show" can BITE ME!

He leaves.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Scene Four
Frasier is back doing his show.

Frasier: I realize I've gone on here a bit, Fred, so let me try to boil
this down for you: if you want to be a good leader, you've got
to be able to admit when you're wrong. [turns a gimlet eye
toward Roz] No one ever stood so tall as when he - or she -
stooped to say, "I'm sorry."
Fred: [v.o.] What's that got to do with my fear of intimacy?
Frasier: Which brings to mind another phrase: "There is none so blind
as he"-or she-"who will not see." We'll be right back after
the news.

He goes off the air.

Roz: [through mike] Subtle, Frasier. But just so you know, I do
not owe you an apology. You were trying to take over my show,
and that's why I fired you.
Frasier: You did not fire me, I quit. But at this late date, Roz,
you should be spared the burden of having to replace me.
So, why don't we agree to put aside our egos and continue
with the program?
Roz: I've already replaced you.
Frasier: Oh, Roz. You've gone with an "also-ran." Who is it?
Roz: John Glenn.
Frasier: The astronaut?
Roz: Yes.
Frasier: The senator?
Roz: Yes. The John Glenn, American hero.
Frasier: [only card left] So I take it there was nobody available with
any previous radio experience.

FADE TO:

SEATTLE, WE HAVE A PROBLEM


Scene Five - Apartment
Martin stands behind the couch, holding up a dragon kite.
Niles is standing across the room with the string and spool.

Martin: Loosen up, son. [Niles does] That's the way. Relaxed,
but firm. It's not a fight, it's a persuasion.
Niles: OK, Dad, I am ready. I want to take her to the park.
Martin: Oh, out of the question!
Niles: I have to practice in real-life conditions, I can't keep
running up and down the halls!
Martin: No, it's too windy!
Niles: All right, well, uh, can I at least hang her off the balcony
so we can see how she looks?
Martin: Niles, what kind of dope are you smoking? The updraft would
pull you off your feet! You know, you've got a lot to learn.
This isn't like driving a car, you know, it takes practice and
concentration.

Frasier comes in and slaps his keys down.

Martin: Hey, Fras. Did you get things all patched up with Roz?
Frasier: On the contrary, every time I offer her an olive branch,
she snaps it in two, sets it on fire, and writes "NO" with
the ashes! She had the temerity to call me overbearing!
This time the wound is deep, my friends, bone deep!
Niles: Well, maybe-
Frasier: [pouring sherry] Oh yes, of course sometimes I am forceful
with my opinions, but that is only because I'm passionate!
And right! And passionate about being right! "Overbearing,"
as if!
Martin: Well, she probably wants to-
Frasier: It's insupportable, Dad! She went out and got John Glenn to
replace me!

Martin and Niles are incredulous, but (to Frasier) for the wrong reason.

Niles: The astronaut?
Frasier: Yes, yes, the American hero!
Martin: John Glenn? He's perfect!
Frasier: Oh, moondust and starshine, Dad! Yes, [contemptuous] he's
"been to space." But does he have the voice, the savvy,
the radio charisma, hmm?!
Martin: Batten down the kite, Niles, it's really starting to blow hard
in here.

Martin leaves the room.

Niles: Frasier, your issues notwithstanding, getting John Glenn is
quite a coup for Roz.
Frasier: John Glenn is just a space-age Band-Aid, Niles, and Roz is
using him to cover up this enormous authority issue she has
with me, which she persists in denying!
Niles: Um-
Frasier: You're right, Niles, it's time for action! I have got to show
her once and for all that I am not some meddler and she is
only being paranoid! Now I'll be in my room, plotting some
way to prove it!

Frasier leaves the room. Niles picks up the kite and admires it.
Smiling at Eddie, he holds up the kite like a mask and advances.
Eddie growls.

He gets an idea - why not? He looks at Eddie and raises a finger to
his lips. Then he opens the balcony, letting in the roar of the wind.

Eddie watches as:

Holding the spool, Niles takes the kite out onto the balcony - and the
wind tears it out of his hands and up into the air. He hangs onto the
spool for dear life as the string unwinds, reaching its end and dragging
him back and forth.

As Niles fights to regain control, the kite suddenly swoops down past
the balcony, yanking him over the rail and pulling his feet off the
ground. Just as he is about to go over, the kite swoops back up,
jerking him upright and hitting something on the roof.

Niles pulls himself back inside and shuts the door on the string,
blocking out the wind. The building's satellite dish crashes onto
the balcony.

CUT TO:

Martin's Room:
Martin is lying on his bed, watching TV and speaking on the phone.

Martin: All I know is that a couple of your clowns wired up the dish
a month ago, and now I can't even see the news. Now I do a
lot of TV-watching, and I don't want to have to take my
business elsewhere, but I will!

The kite slams into his balcony window and comes to a rest.
Eddie runs in and growls at it.

Martin: [faking static noises into the phone] Can't hear you, sorry.
[hangs up]

FADE TO:

Scene Six - Conference Room
John Glenn is seated at the table with a copy of the script.
Frasier knocks and comes in.

Frasier: Senator?
Glenn: Yes.
Frasier: I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Glenn: [shaking hands] Oh, glad to meet you.
Frasier: It's a pleasure to meet you. I was the previous narrator on
the documentary.
Glenn: That's a fascinating story.
Frasier: Well, you've heard her side of the story, maybe someday you'll
hear mine.
Glenn: Well, I was talking about space travel. It was good of you to
step aside, though - you have a scheduling conflict?
Frasier: Yes, unfortunately. The Opera Guild's annual... football
tournament. Well, I'm the quarterback. Anyway, uh, here,
if you wouldn't mind indulging me-
Glenn: Sure.
Frasier: I have a few suggestions that I didn't have a chance to run by
Roz. [takes out some notes] Um, here we are. Now this first
one is about a Seattle man who took his two sons to the roof
to see if they could spot Friendship-7 flying by.
Glenn: Was that you?
Frasier: It's very perceptive of you, sir, yes. That was me,
my father, and my brother. I thought a story from
the glory days of space might help to launch the show.
Glenn: You know, that sounds great. I'll bring that up to Roz.
Frasier: Oh, about that - it's probably best that Roz never know we had
this conversation.
Glenn: Why not?
Frasier: Well, you see, any suggestion that came from me right now,
Roz would be inclined to sh**t down, and uh, she's still a
little ticked off at me for dropping out.
Glenn: Well, you know, I don't like to go behind someone's back-
Frasier: Oh, we're not going behind anybody's back! Even if we were,
it's only temporary! At any rate, it is for the good of the
show.
Glenn: Well, OK. I'll look through these things and I'll probably
bring them up.
Frasier: Oh, that's terrific. Thank you, sir. It was a pleasure to
meet you. Take care. [starts to leave] Oh, Senator? Uh, what
do you drink up there, Tang?
Glenn: [checks his watch] Two minutes and twenty seconds: a new
record.

FADE TO:

Scene Seven - Radio Booth
Glenn is seated in Frasier's booth, with Roz.

Roz: So let me get this cued up, and we'll be ready to go, OK?
Glenn: Sounds great.

She goes into her booth. Frasier comes in behind her.

Roz: Frasier, what are you doing here?
Frasier: Roz, I'm just observing. If you want me to go, I will, but
you have to admit this is sort of a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
Roz: Fine. But no talking.

Frasier stands very humbly in the corner. Roz sits at her console.

Roz: [through mike] OK, Senator, we're rolling.
Glenn: OK. Roz, I have an idea if you're interested.
Roz: Sure.
Glenn: I heard the nicest story, about a Seattle man who took his two
sons up on the roof of the house, to try and see my Mercury
spacecraft come over.
Roz: I love that!
Glenn: Yeah, well, I thought you'd like that one. And then, if we
could get some of the old mission broadcasts, maybe we could
use those for background.
Roz: Definitely! You are full of great ideas!
Frasier: [no longer humble] No, I'M full of good ideas!
Roz: Frasier, what are you doing?!
Frasier: Roz, you just agreed to two of my suggestions, which proves
your problem is with me and not with them!
Roz: [through the mike] I'm so sorry! [to Frasier] Frasier,
get out!
Frasier: Roz, it's all right, the Senator and I are old friends!
I took the liberty of running a few irresistible ideas
by him so that I could prove my point and let you come
clean!
Glenn: That's not what you told me. You used me!
Frasier: I'm sorry, Senator, but-but if I used you it was only as the
swift and terrible sword of justice!
Roz: It's terrible, all right! And outrageous! [to Glenn] You said
these were your ideas! Why'd you do it, Senator Glenn?
Glenn: I was misled, and-and I feel awful, and-and you know, it's not
like me to be that underhanded.
Roz: Oh, it's all right. Frasier, get out of my booth! I am so
sorry, Senator Glenn.

Cutting between the two booths:

Glenn: Well, I'm the one that's sorry. It's my nature to be honest,
and...

Frasier: [speaking over him] Now listen up, Roz, I'm gonna tell you
what I did this for.

Glenn: Back in those glory days, I was very uncomfortable when they...
asked us to say things that I didn't want to say, and deny
other things...

Roz: I am so mad at you, Frasier!
Frasier: Oh yeah, well I'm mad too, so just bring it on!

Glenn: Some people ask, you know, "were you alone out there?" And
we never gave the real answer, and yet we've seen things out
there, strange things...

Roz: This is my project, and I asked you not to try to take control,
and now you've gone behind my back and done just that!
Frasier: But Roz, you didn't even give me a fair shake!
Roz: Well, if I didn't, it was because I was trying to protect
myself because you can be so BOSSY sometimes!

Glenn: But we know what we saw out there, and we couldn't really say
anything, and the bosses were scared of this, they were afraid
of "w*r of the Worlds" type-stuff, and about panic in the
streets, and so we had to keep quiet, and now we only see these
things in our - well, in our nightmares, or maybe in-in the
movies, and some of them are pretty close to being the truth...

Frasier: All right, Roz, I'll admit that maybe I was being a little
too assertive, all right? But the least you could do is admit
that perhaps you were a bit defensive?

Glenn draws the path of a U.F.O. with his finger, zipping and stopping
from one point to another with incredible speed, making whishing noises.

Roz: Well, maybe you're right. But it was because I was trying to
prove that I could do this on my own - so I was shutting you
out, I admit it, it was unfair, and I apologize.
Frasier: Accepted. Oh Roz, come on, our friendship is much more
important to me than this documentary.
Roz: Oh, it is to me too, Frasier!

They hug. Glenn sticks his head in.

Glenn: Uh, look, about what I just said out there, could we just keep
that between us?
Roz: Oh, of course, Senator.
Glenn: Good. Well... [notices] oh, wait! You were recording all
that?
Roz: Well yeah, but that's OK, we've got plenty of tape.
Glenn: [stern] I'm gonna need that tape.

He takes it from the machine and goes back into the booth.

Roz: He's a little tightly wound.
Frasier: Looks like maybe somebody should cut back on the old Tang.
Roz: [laughing] That's a good one, Frasier.
Frasier: Thanks, Roz.

Roz puts in a fresh tape and sits down.

Roz: Whenever you're ready, Senator.
Glenn: [reading] "Since the dawn of time, man has gazed skyward and
dreamed of reaching the stars..."

END OF ACT TWO

Credits:

Apartment:
Close-up on the TV. A cable runs from the back across the floor.
The camera follows it up to where it is looped around the handle
of Martin's cane. Next to it, Martin is seated in his Armchair,
looking at the TV and making hand signals.

Next to the window, Niles stands very still with a rabbit-ears antenna,
where the cable ends. He adjusts it very minutely, until Martin signals
him to hold still.