09x13 - Mother Load[2]

[bunniefuu]

Scenes From "Mother Load, Part I"

Niles and Daphne at the Montana:

Niles: You could live here.
Daphne: Are you asking me?
Niles: Would you like to?
Daphne: Would you like me to?
Niles: Yeah.
Daphne: Then I will.

CUT TO:
Frasier and Martin at home:

Frasier: I gave the greatest speech of my condo board career, which
led to a vote, which led to a ruling that Cam Winston must
now park that SUV monstrosity of his in the subbasement!
[ ]
Martin: Think that's smart, taking on the guy who lives right above
us?

CUT TO:
Daphne coming out of her room:

Daphne: Well, the move's off.
Niles: What?
Daphne: Just temporarily. My parents are coming for a visit.
[ ]
Niles: Just to clarify: you're going to stay here, but your parents
are going to stay with me?
Daphne: [hugs him] Oh, I'm so glad you understand.

CUT TO:
Niles and Daphne in his kitchen:

Niles: If she thinks you're a virgin, how are you going to explain
our plan to live together?
Daphne: I wonder how important it is that she ever finds out.

CUT TO:
The last scene:

Simon: Dad scarpered.
Daphne: He left?
Simon: Yeah.
Mrs. Moon: It's true. Thank goodness I have my children to lean upon.
Simon: Oh, don't cry, Mum. I really thought this junket to America
would cheer you up.
Niles: It still can! [ ] Get out there and see the country.
Frasier: Yes, immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur
that are these United States, this... America.

As if on cue, a huge American flag falls from the above balcony,
completely covering Frasier's windows with the stars and stripes.

Niles: How did you do that?
[ ]
Frasier: Cam Winston!

FADE TO:

ACT ONE

Scene One - The Montana
Daphne is seated on the couch. Niles brings a tray of food.

Daphne: It was a good idea taking Mum out today, helped take her mind
off Dad.
Niles: Yeah, although I'm not sure the zoo was the best idea.
The sight of those amorous wolverines seemed to set
her back a bit.
Daphne: Amorous? I thought they were trying to k*ll each other.
Niles: Well, either way, it seemed to remind her of something.

Mrs. Moon comes out.

Niles: Hello, Mrs. Moon. Would you care for a bite to eat?
Mrs. Moon: Oh, that would be lovely - if I thought I could keep anything
down. [sinks into a chair] How could your father do this to
me? You sleep down the hall from someone for forty years,
you think you know them!
Daphne: I know you're upset, Mum, but it's not like you and Dad had
a perfect marriage.
Mrs. Moon: That's because there's no such thing! You young modern
people think marriage is some sort of promenade through
paradise, when it's more like a march through Hell with
a man strapped to your back and a litter of nasty babies
swinging from your teats!
Daphne: Obviously, this is a very upsetting time for all of us.
But, remember, tomorrow is another day!
Mrs. Moon: You're right, dear. And the sooner you get home to bed,
the sooner it'll be here.
Daphne: But it's only 9:30!
Mrs. Moon: And with every tick of the clock, your womanly resistance
weakens, and before you know it he'll be on top of you like
one of those bloody badgers at the zoo.
Niles: Actually, those were wolverines, and there's a chance they
may have been fighting.
Daphne: It has been a long day. Maybe it's best if I leave.
Niles: All right.
Daphne: I'll see you tomorrow, Mum. [kisses her Mum and goes to
the door] Goodnight, Niles.
Niles: Goodnight.

They start to kiss, but Mrs. Moon turns to look at them, so they just
shake hands. Daphne leaves.

FADE OUT

Scene Two - Apartment
Frasier is standing by the fireplace, staring at the flag covering
his windows.

Martin comes out in his robe.

Martin: Oh, hey. You still up?
Frasier: I can't sleep. Every time I look outside, I feel like I'm
living inside a giant clown's pocket. I tell you, Cam Winston
has not heard the last of this. I am calling an emergency
meeting of the condo board tomorrow morning!
Martin: You can't fight this, Frasier. It'll just look like you're
attacking the flag.
Frasier: I'm not attacking the flag, Cam is using the flag to att*ck me!
Martin: You're right, but you're still going to lose.
Frasier: Yes, but-but the building has bylaws about this sort of thing.
If this was anything but the American flag, people would demand
that it be taken down!
Martin: Face it, Fras, Cam's got you on this one. Boy, I have to say,
that guy is smart.
Frasier: Oh, really? Well, if he's so smart and you're so smart,
why don't you two live together?
Martin: At least he's got a view.

The door opens, and Simon stumbles in with a bottle in one hand and
the other arm wrapped around a blowzy brunette. They are both drunk.

Simon: Hello!
Frasier: What on earth do you think you're doing?!
Simon: Oh, sorry, I-I didn't know you was here. Uh, Frasier, this is
Loretta. [she waves] Loretta... well, you know who you are.
[they laugh]
Loretta: [sees the flag and gasps] I love your curtains!
Frasier: I'm sorry, miss, but we are not entertaining guests this
evening. You'll have to leave.
Loretta: [to Simon] Wait, you told me this was your place! You're
probably not even the Duke of England! [exits]
Simon: Oh, yeah? Then why do I talk this way?

Frasier shuts the door.

Simon: Well, you're just a big contraceptive, aren't you? [takes a
swig]
Frasier: I've just about had it with you, Simon. [goes to the hall
and picks up Simon's duffel bag] You have blown my speakers,
clogged my Jacuzzi, and you have ingested half of my bath
products! [throws the duffel out the door] You are no longer
welcome in my home.
Simon: What exactly are you implying?
Frasier: GET OUT!

He throws Simon out.

Martin: Fras, you can't throw him out, where's he gonna go?
Frasier: Oh, he'll land on his feet. Probably end up shacking up
with some two-bit floozy!

SMASH CUT TO:

Scene Three - Roz's Apartment
Close-up of Simon tapping on someone's window.

It's Roz's apartment. She's been reading on her couch, when the noise
makes her jump.

Roz: Simon! [gets up and opens the door] What are you doing here?
Simon: [stepping in] Hello, love. It appears that the front door to
the building is locked.
Roz: Yeah, that's how we keep drunks from wandering in. [pushes him
out]
Simon: Well, I seem to be without appropriate accommodation at the
moment, I just thought I'd take you up on your kind and
generous offer-
Roz: I never said you could stay here!
Simon: But Frasier's thrown me out!
Roz: Sleep in Martin's Winnebago.
Simon: Well, wouldn't I love to do that. But when I got down there,
there was this gigantic Humvee blocking the door.
Roz: Simon, this isn't my problem. You have got to go.

Simon puts down his duffel and adopts a new tone, one we've never
heard before - gentle and earnest.

Simon: Look, Roz, I'll level with you. I know that we've had a
checkered history, and I'm probably not the sort of person
that you want in your house. But I'm asking for your help.
As a friend, as Daphne's brother, please just let me stay
one night. You won't even notice me. Just the tiniest spot
on the floor would be a gift. Look, I'll be gone in the
morning, I'll never darken your doorstep again. Please, Roz,
I've got nowhere else to go.
Roz: ...All right. I'll make up the couch for you.
Simon: Oh, thank you, Roz. You have got a good heart.
Roz: Yeah.

He goes back onto the balcony and yells down:

Simon: [boorish again] Climb on up, Susie! We're golden! [laughs]
She can swing on a pole for two hours, but she can't climb
up a drainpipe to save her life!

Roz picks up his duffel and heaves it over the balcony.

Simon: Oi, what-? [yells down] Heads up, Susie!

Then she shuts the window, locking him outside.

FADE TO:

Scene Four - The Montana
Mrs. Moon is smoking and playing poker with Niles.

Niles: Two, please. [she deals him two] Thank you... ha-ha!
Mrs. Moon: Well, show us what you got.
Niles: I've got a king, a jack, a 10, and two 6's.
Mrs. Moon: Two sixes, then.
Niles: And-and a king.
Mrs. Moon: I'm sorry, love. I've got aces over deuces.
Niles: Well, that's, uh, that's the last of my mad money. I guess
I'll have to win it back some other night.
Mrs. Moon: You'd better make it soon, I won't be around much longer.
Niles: Not if you keep biting those filters off, you won't.
Mrs. Moon: No, I mean I'll be going back to England soon. Well, it's
nice enough here, but you and Daphne aren't the most
exciting people, are you? [Niles shakes his head] No,
as soon as I've sorted myself out, Simon and I are back
on the plane.
Niles: Really, you are? Uh, can I do anything to help sort?
Mrs. Moon: Thank you, no. Oh, the shock's worn off, really. I've
come to realize I've spent most of my life taking care
of a layabout husband. Well, now it's my turn to be taken
care of. Thank God I've got Simon.

Niles, despite his wish to see her gone, is alarmed at this.

Niles: Simon's going to be taking care of you?
Mrs. Moon: Oh, well of course he will! I know he plays the fool
sometimes, but he'd never let me down.
Niles: Well, you've made a lot of progress in a short amount of
time, so I can't tell you how happy I am.
Mrs. Moon: Oh... you good for a few more hands?
Niles: Why not? Oh! I'm out of money.
Mrs. Moon: Oh, not to worry. We can play for rubs. [props up her feet]
Niles: Oh! I'll get my coin collection.

He leaves the room.

FADE TO:

Scene Five - Frasier's Apartment
Frasier is sitting on the couch, staring at the flag and blowing a
soft note on the lips of Simon's bottle.

Daphne comes out in her pajamas.

Daphne: Still awake, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Yes. It's almost dawn's early light, and our flag is still
there. [gets an idea] Daphne! As a subject of the British
realm, does it make you feel uncomfortable to have your
residence draped in the American flag? And if so, would you
be willing to say that at a condo board meeting?
Daphne: Personally, I find it a cozy reminder of the land I dreamed
of living in as a child.
Frasier: [defeated] Off I go.

He trudges off to bed. Daphne goes to the kitchen.
Simon slips in the front door and follows her.

Daphne: Simon! I thought Dr. Crane kicked you out.
Simon: He did, you don't see me.
Daphne: What are you doing here?
Simon: Well, I'm just getting some provisions for my trip.

He removes a six-pack, a large salami and assorted other items from
the fridge.

Daphne: What trip?
Simon: Well, I just thought I'd go meet some mates in California.
Daphne: You can't run out on Mum, she's counting on you!
Simon: She's got the other boys back home.
Daphne: They've all sided with Dad, you know that. You're all she's
got.
Simon: I'm not cut out to take care of Mum, she's too demanding.
She turned Dad into a shiftless drinker. I can't have her
doing that to me! [goes to the door]
Daphne: So you're just going to leave in the middle of the night and
not even tell her?
Simon: Look, Stilts, if you want to take care of Mum, that's your
choice, but I've got to live my life.
Daphne: You are so selfish! For once in your life you have a chance
to be responsible, be a man and do right by your family!
Why don't you think about that before you go flitting off
to California?
Simon: Well, I'm sorry, Daphne. Maybe it makes me a bad person,
but I don't have it in me. It's not who I am. I'll see you.

He exits, leaving her alone. She closes the door and thinks.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Scene Six - The Montana
That same night, someone is knocking softly but urgently on the door.
Niles checks the spyhole and opens it to Daphne, still in her pajamas.

Niles: [whispering] Wait, wait, quiet, quiet, quiet. Don't wake
your mother, I just got her down. [she comes in] What are
you doing here?
Daphne: Something terrible has happened. Simon's left.
Niles: What do you mean, left?
Daphne: He's gone. He's left me to take care of Mum. I don't know
what I'm going to do, but I may have to go back to Manchester
with her for a while.
Niles: No, no, no, you can't do that. You have a life here.
Daphne: Well, what am I supposed to do? I can't have her stay at
Dr. Crane's, there's no room.
Niles: Well, you can both live here.
Daphne: Oh, Niles, you know she'll never go for that arrangement.

Mrs. Moon comes out.

Mrs. Moon: A bit late at night for a single lady to be in a man's home,
isn't it?
Daphne: I'm here because Simon's left, off to California to do God
knows what.
Mrs. Moon: Oh... well, but that's courageous! Good to see him
finally taking charge of his life.
Daphne: He's not taking charge, he left because he doesn't want to
take care of you.
Mrs. Moon: That is not so! Simon is a special boy, he wasn't meant to
be kept at home. He has dreams. You wouldn't understand
that!

Daphne explodes.

Daphne: Now you listen to me, Mum! In case you haven't noticed,
I've got dreams too! I even moved halfway across the
world to make a life for myself! Do you admire that?
No, you don't even acknowledge it! Oh, and by the way,
I'm no virgin! Haven't been for years! You remember
that boy with the lazy eye you hated so much? Yeah, he
was my first! Did it right in the parlor where you take
your tea! Then there was the German who fixed Dad's car!
Oh yeah, and that Irish chap I fancied, who was twice my
age and had his own van and a band! Then I came to America,
shall I go on?!

Niles, who looks as unsettled as Mrs. Moon, shakes his head.

Daphne: Well, I am a grown woman who's made her own life and her own
decisions! [takes Niles' hand] Now, I plan to shack up with
Niles here, and damned if we aren't going to do it every
night of the week!

Now Niles' expression is a masterwork by David Hyde Pierce:
a tight grin that shows mortified embarrassment fighting against
unrestrained glee.

[N.B. A much similar expression can be found in [7.09] The Apparent Trap]

Daphne: That's the way it's gonna be, Mum, and if you don't like it,
that's just tough!
Mrs. Moon: Is that so? Well, if that's how you repay me for all my
sacrifices-
Daphne: Oh, don't even start!
Mrs. Moon: Fine! Just for that, I'm not spending another night under
this roof. I intend to fetch my things, find a hotel, and
be on the first flight home tomorrow! Excuse me!

She storms out of the room. Niles and Daphne sit on the couch.

Daphne: Oh God, look at me, I'm shaking! It just came gushing out,
once I started I couldn't stop!
Niles: I know, it's all right, it's all right. You were great, you
were great, I have never been prouder of you.
Daphne: I can't believe I talked to my mother that way. [laughs]
Niles: You must have been pretty outraged to have invented all those
former lovers. [chuckles nervously]
Daphne: What?
Niles: [helping her along] All those former lovers...
Daphne: Oh, yes, right, of course! I'm actually surprised she's
leaving so easily. I thought she'd milk it a bit more.

Mrs. Moon comes back in behind Niles and Daphne.

Mrs. Moon: Just so you know - I won't be needing a lift to the hotel.
I shall call a taxi.
Daphne: [not turning around] Whatever you want.
Mrs. Moon: You'll see. I don't need any of you rotten ingrates, I can
take perfectly good care of myself!
Daphne: Glad to hear it.

Mrs. Moon pauses, then quite obviously squats on the floor.

Mrs. Moon: Ow!

As they turn around and run over, she moans and clutches her knee.

Daphne: Oh God, what happened?
Niles: Are you hurt?
Mrs. Moon: Well, of course I'm hurt! [they help her to a chair]
Oh, get me ice-
Niles: All right, all right.
Mrs. Moon: And whiskey!
Niles: O.K.
Mrs. Moon: Not cheap stuff! Oh, I don't know how I'm gonna fly now,
the pain is unbearable! Though I know I'm not welcome here.
Oh, I can't say I blame you. No sense burdening yourself
with an old woman... who can't take care of herself...
and has nowhere else to go...
Niles: [forcing out the words] Oh, don't be silly. You can stay
here as long as you like.
Mrs. Moon: Well, move along, the whiskey's not pouring itself.

Niles goes to the kitchen.

FADE TO:

NOT ONE OF THEM
KNOWS THE SECOND VERSE


Scene Seven - Building Common Room
Frasier is addressing the condo board (Mr. Williams, Mrs. Richman,
and another woman) and the assembled tenants.

Frasier: Are we fiercely patriotic? Yes. But how do we best
demonstrate that? Not by infringing on the rights and
balconies of others, but as most good Americans do,
in our hearts, with generous spirit and quiet reverence.
I respectfully submit that when we display the flag as
Mr. Winston has, it flies in the face of the very freedoms
for which it stands. Thank you. [sits down]
Williams: Cam, rebuttal?

Cam rises from his seat in the rear.

[
"Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of
any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined
as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to
an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit
that it is the first.
- Ambrose Bierce]

Cam: The last thing I wanted was to create conflict. I was
merely trying to boost the morale of the community.
Richman: And so you have. [the tenants murmur agreement]
Williams: I move that the flag stays. [agreement again]
Frasier: All right, all right, ver-ver-very well, then. B-but
perhaps... perhaps we could display it on the north
side of the building, for the benefit of our Canadian
neighbors.
Cam: That was my first instinct, but it can't be illuminated
at night from that side.
Richman: Lighting is a must.
Williams: Absolutely.
Richman: Then it's settled. [pounds gavel]
Frasier: All right, just-just hold on a second! I feel I'm being
hoodwinked. The only reason Cam hung that flag was to get
the better of me. He knows I bought the apartment for its
view!
Cam: No, you bought that apartment because you're free!
[agreement again]
Albert: Maybe you could have a view from your balcony in Iraq!
Richman: Yes, move to Iraq!

The tenants take up the chant, "Move to Iraq!"

Frasier: No, wait, wait, wait! I am just as much an American as
every one of you! Perhaps Cam would just tell us how
long he intends to display our beautiful flag?
Cam: Hmm, how about until there's world peace?
Albert: Oh, that's a good idea! [agreement again]
Frasier: Oh, come on! There's never going to be world peace!
[boos and hisses]
Williams: Maybe there would be world peace if there were more people
like Cam and fewer people like you.
Frasier: Oh now, just a second-
Cam: [singing] Oh beautiful, for spacious skies...

Everyone but Frasier joins in, rising out of their seats.

All but Frasier: For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountains' majesty,
Above the fruited plain...
America, America...

Frasier, knowing when he's beaten, takes Cam aside as the others
continue singing.

Frasier: All right, what do you want?
Cam: Your parking spot.
Frasier: You'll make all this stop?
Cam: Well, there is the matter of the flag. I can't just take it
down now.
Frasier: All right, suggest the roof! I'll even spring for the
flagpole.

They shake hands. As they finish the chorus, Cam walks to the front.

Cam: Everyone, everyone, everyone! [they fall silent and sit]
The America we love is one of good neighbors. In order
to foster that, I have decided to move my flag to the roof.

The tenants murmur, "I don't know," "it's nice as it is," etc.

Cam: This will not only serve to mend fences, but it will provide
all of Seattle with a view of our precious Stars and Stripes.
Williams: You've done it again, Cam.
Richman: He certainly has.
Frasier: And, in the spirit of reciprocity, I will provide the
flagpole. [no response] And any necessary lighting.
Albert: Credit grabber!
Frasier: Oh, come on, we're all in agreement here! [singing]
"Oh beautiful, for spacious skies..." [no one joins in]
Come on, everybody! "For amber waves of grain..."

The board members shuffle their papers impatiently as Cam gives
a triumphant smile.

Frasier: [gives up] Oh, all right, I'll see you next week.

Frasier leaves.

[N.B. In addition to adding his voice (along with the rest of the
Frasier cast) to the general encouragement of America's troops and
citizens, Kelsey Grammer was a leading host of the huge joint-network
television special honoring firefighters and other rescue workers
fallen in New York.]

FADE TO:

Scene Eight - The Montana
Niles opens the door to Daphne and Mrs. Moon.

Niles: How did things go at the doctor?
Daphne: Couldn't find anything wrong with the knee - big surprise.
Mrs. Moon: [holds up pill bottle] Then why did he give me sedatives,
smarty?
Daphne: Because I begged him.
Mrs. Moon: Oh, fetch me my water.
Niles: Oh, I'll get it.
Daphne: [follows him] I know how she likes it.
Niles: Oh, but I know where the glasses are.

They both trot into the kitchen.

Daphne: I am so sorry about this.
Niles: It's all right, we'll manage. I can live with anything -
as long as I can live with you.
Mrs. Moon: [o.s.] I'm still waiting out here!

Daphne sticks her head out.

Daphne: It's coming! Pipe down!
Mrs. Moon: Why? Am I interrupting your dirty sex?

Daphne grits her teeth and comes back inside.

Daphne: It's going to be interesting, the three of us living
together.
Niles: Daphne, this is stupid. We should just wait until she's
gone.
Daphne: No, I said I was moving in, and I'm going to.
Niles: It took you your whole life to assert your independence
from this woman. I can't ask you to live under the same
roof with her.
Daphne: Well, I can't ask you to live with her either.
Niles: [pouring the water] Oh well, it's just temporary. And you
know what? She bothers you a lot more than she bothers me.
Mrs. Moon: [o.s.] Don't empty the sink, I'm soaking my smalls!

They both look away from the sink.

Niles: Well, [clears throat] we've waited this long...
Daphne: I love you, Niles.
Niles: I love you too. [they kiss and hug]
Daphne: And I promise, as soon as she's on a plane for England,
I'm here!

They go out.

Niles: Mrs. Moon, did the doctor mention anything about when
you'd be able to fly?
Mrs. Moon: No, didn't say a word about flying. That's probably a
bad sign, eh?
Niles: Yeah...

He slumps into a chair and lets his body go limp, resigned to a long
wait.

END OF ACT TWO

Credits:

Niles rolls up his sleeves, puts on heavy rubber gloves, and takes
a deep breath before using a pair of tongs to remove Mrs. Moon's
underclothes from his sink and into a plastic bowl.