10x08 - Rooms With a View

[bunniefuu]

ACT ONE

Scene One - Niles' Hospital Room
Fade in.
Niles is in the bed, Daphne is puttering around. Niles holds up a
card.

Niles: Oh, this one's from your mom. A kitten in a basket of yarn.
[He opens it to read.] "Dear Niles, I know we haven't always
gotten along..."

He checks the back of the card for more, but that's it.

Niles: Wasn't that sweet of her?

Frasier comes in with Roz. She's holding some flowers.

Frasier: Hey, Niles, look what I found in the parking lot.
Roz: Hi, Niles. It's good to see you. [crossing to Daphne] How's
he doing?
Daphne: The doctor says he's doing just great.
Roz: Well, he looks just great. [whispering to Daphne] Why is he so
pale?
Niles: [who's heard her, whispering] He's always this pale.
Daphne: I'll take those.

She sets the flowers down amongst all the others.

Frasier: Well, Niles, you've got quite an impressive array of flowers
here. Oh, dear lord, who sent mums?
Niles: Those are from Jaime, [pronounced hi-may] our squash valet.
Frasier: Really? You know, when I had the flu, Jaime didn't send me
so much as a card.
Niles: You didn't have the flu, you barely had the sniffles.
Frasier: I almost threw up. Who knows, mums might have been just the
thing to cheer me up. I guess we'll never know now, will we?
Roz: I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, Niles.
Niles: Oh, I'm pretty used to him by now.

Everyone chuckles.

Roz: No, I meant...
Niles: Oh, right, the... umm... [pointing at his chest] Yes, well,
thank you. Who knew all those years of fois gras and brie
would finally catch up with me.
Daphne: You know, Frasier, you might want to get yourself checked
out. You eat a lot of that stuff too.
Frasier: Yes, but I also drink a lot of red wine. Now, Niles, you'll
be happy to know that your prognosis is excellent. I have
done some research. I have detailed the procedures and made
copies for each of you. Here we are.

He passes out some blue folders.

Frasier: I also took the liberty of checking out your surgeon. A fine
choice. True, he did have a few brushes with the law. As
an undergrad. And I think you all know how I feel about
Tulane's medical school.

Everyone murmurs agreement.

Frasier: But, on the bright side, he has been extensively published
and his reputation is stellar. Now, if you'll all please
turn to page seventeen in your handouts... you know, where is
Dad?
Daphne: He stepped outside for some coffee.

She goes to sit next to Roz.

Frasier: I specifically used layman's terms for his benefit. Oh, all
right.
Roz: How's he handling all this?
Niles: He's positively chirpy. In other words, he's terrified.
Frasier: Yes, when we were kids, whenever one of us was sick or hurt,
Dad would try to keep us from worrying by pretending the
problem didn't even exist.
Niles: Nonchalance was his coping mechanism.
Frasier: [sitting on the edge of the bed] Things always turned out
all right, though. It will this time, too.
Roz: [to Daphne] How are you holding up?
Daphne: Well, you know...
Roz: You know what? I think you should think of something really
cool to do when all this is over. Like a big trip. That way
you can have something good to focus on.
Daphne: I can't think about that right now.

Martin comes in.

Martin: What the hey! Still in bed? It's nine in the morning.
Up and at 'em, lazy bones.

A woman walks in.

Ling: Hello, I'm your anesthesiologist, Doctor Ling. How are you
feeling today?
Niles: Hello.
Martin: Ah, don't let this faker fool you, he's just tryin' to get
out of work.
Ling: If you're feeling at all anxious, I can give you a mild
sedative.
Niles: No, thanks.
Frasier: Are you sure, Niles? Dr. Ling went to Duke.

A phone by the bed rings. Daphne answers it.

Daphne: Hello? Can I ask who's calling? Just a minute, please.

She covers the mouthpiece and turns to Niles.

Daphne: It's Maris. Do you want me to make up an excuse?
Niles: No, that's okay, I'll talk to her.

She puts the phone on the bed and gives him the handset.

Niles: Hello? Well, yes, how'd you hear? Ah, Jaime is a bit of a
gossip. Luckily they discovered the blockage before I had
a major event. Well thank you. That wasn't the nurse, that
was my wife. Yes, Daphne. Uh, we were married a couple
months ago. No, well, ah it's not really my fault you didn't
know. Sounds to me like your argument is with Jaime. Well,
if it makes you feel any better, we didn't invite anyone.

He puts the handset against his chest.

Niles: Dr. Ling?

When she looks up from the chart, he mimes injecting his arm.

Niles: [whispers] Give me the dr*gs.

She turns to the IV setup and prepares the sedative. Niles puts the
phone back to his ear.

Niles: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well yes, of course we invited him, he's
my brother. Uh, yes, William Sonoma and Tiffany's. [to Dr.
Ling] Keep it coming.

As she injects his IV line, Niles goes back to the phone.

FADE OUT

Scene Two - Niles' Hospital Room
Fade in.
Daphne and Dr. Ling are at the bedside, the others are sitting down.

Ling: Now in just a few moments, we'll be ready to wheel you down
to the OR.
Frasier: He'll receive general anesthesia once he's on the operating
table. Now, if you'd like to follow along in your handouts,
I could take you through the first steps of the procedure.
Daphne: The doctor explained everything to us yesterday.
Frasier: Yes, but did he have a mnemonic verse that goes along to the
tune of "Camp Town Races"?

Another doctor comes in.

Schafer: Hello.
Frasier: [getting up] Ah, Doctor Schafer. I was just explaining
my brother's procedure to my family. I'll hand the floor
over to you.
Schafer: Thank you...
Frasier: Frasier. Dr. Crane.
Schafer: Oh, great. [to Niles] Once you're under, we'll begin by
inserting some tubes to monitor your blood pressure.
Then, while one team harvests the saphenous vein from
your right leg, I'll be opening up your chest.
Frasier: Excuse me. If I may, wouldn't a mid-cab be less invasive?
I have done some research in the matter and I believe that
is the prevailing methodology.
Schafer: Well, you may have read about that in Reader's Digest, but a
mid-cab is only appropriate for a limited blockage.
Frasier: My source is not Reader's Digest. It is a Harvard colleague.
Harvard being my alma mater. HARVARD. And if I'm not
mistaken, the blockage is in the left anterior descending
artery.
Schafer: And the right coronary. Look, in my expert opinion, I'm doing
what's best for this patient.
Frasier: And my expert opinion says otherwise.
Schafer: Well, if you're such an expert, maybe you should perform the
surgery.
Frasier: Maybe I should!
Niles: Dad...
Martin: Frasier, you're not operating on your brother.
Frasier: Suit yourself.
Ling: Maybe it would be best if everyone stepped out while
Dr. Schafer talks to the patient.
Schafer: Mrs. Crane, you're welcome to stay.
Frasier: Niles, I'll, I'll see you before they wheel you in.

He, Martin and Roz step outside.

Reset to: the hallway as they come out.

Frasier: Well, I'll tell you one thing about that Dr. Schafer's people
skills: I am not a fan.
Martin: Oh, will you leave it alone? You're being a big pain.
Frasier: Yes, well I happen to know a thing or...

He stops as some people pass, then resumes.

Frasier: A thing or two about bypass surgery, he was totally
condescending to me.
Martin: He was just trying to let you know who's in charge. I'm sure
at the first sign of trouble, he'll run right out here to
consult with you.

Frasier nods, satisfied, while Martin trades a look with Roz.

Roz: This is so weird. I mean, twenty-four hours ago, we didn't
even know anything was wrong with Niles. It just goes to
show, you can't take a second for granted.
Martin: You sure can't. You can't take people for granted, either.
You just never know.
Frasier: That's true. That's why you should always tell the people you
love just how much they mean to you.
Roz: Well, I hope you guys know how much I care about you.
Martin: Oh, geez, sure we do. And we care about you, too.
Frasier: Of course, Roz, you're like family. And Dad, I hope you know
I love you. Even at your most difficult.
Martin: Well I love you too, Son, even when you treat me like a child.
Roz: Frasier bosses everyone around. It's just his way.
Frasier: Well, perhaps if people behaved more competently, I wouldn't
be so bossy.
Martin: Maybe you wouldn't be so bossy if you didn't always focus on
how everybody else behaves.
Roz: That'd be the day.
Frasier: Yes, well, maybe that's because human behavior is my
profession.
Martin: Well, you can take a day off once in a while.
Roz: No kidding.
Frasier: Who asked you, Roz?

Daphne comes out.

Daphne: Niles is going off to surgery soon. Come and wish him well.
Frasier: You know, we really should tell her how much she means to us,
too.

They head back in.

Reset to: the hospital room.
Daphne is sitting down on the bed. The others pause in the doorway.

Daphne: How you feeling?
Niles: I'm a little woozy. Maybe I should lie down. Oh, now Daphne,
you know all the important papers are in my top left hand
drawer...
Daphne: Let's not talk about that right now. You just relax.
Niles: Okay, Daphne. You know, Daphne, they do these procedures
hundreds of times.
Daphne: I know.
Niles: Okay. It's practically routine, Daphne.
Daphne: Why do you keep saying my name?
Niles: I just want to say it as many times as I can... Daphne.

The others come in.

Martin: What? Still in bed? Will you look at this goldbrick? Well,
if you're gonna be loafin' around all day, you might as well
have somethin' to read. I know how you love your Archies.

He shows Niles a comic book.

Niles: Thanks, Dad. Oh, a Jughead Double Digest.

Martin sets it down on the side table.

Martin: I'll be here waiting for you. I love you, Son.
Niles: I love you, too.

Martin moves aside and Frasier steps up.

Niles: Frasier, I have a confession to make. Remember when we were
kids and I was wearing your opera cape and you pushed me down
the stairs?
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: You didn't push me. I jumped. I was trying to fly like a
Valkyrie.
Frasier: It's not important right now. It's important you get well,
all right?

A nurse and an orderly come in with a gurney.

Orderly: Dr. Crane? Mrs. Crane? It's that time. Okay, we're gonna
need you to slide over.
Niles: Boy, a hospital is an interesting place, isn't it?
Frasier: How so, Niles?

Niles moves over onto the gurney.

Niles: Oh, all roads lead to the hospital. We're born here, we get
sick here, we get well here. All these big dramatic moments
and the hospital just gobbles 'em up. Do you think a hospital
has memories? I bet it does. I bet when I walked in it
thought "Oh, you again. You're the little boy who broke his
leg in 1966. Hello, old friend." Wow, a talking hospital.
That would be cool. When are these dr*gs going to kick in?
I don't even know why I need surgery. This is the best I've
felt in years.

He sits up. The orderly pushes him down, saying "Easy."

Niles: Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne...
Orderly: Okay, you ready to take a little trip?
Frasier: I think he already is.
Daphne: Can I just have a second?
Orderly: Of course.
Daphne: I'll be here when you wake up.
Niles: Promise?
Daphne: I promise.

She kisses him and they wheel the gurney out the door.

Reset to: a sh*t looking down at Niles as he's rolled downed the
hallway. The sh*t then goes to point of view from behind the orderly
as they pass the rooms in the hallway.

He passes a room and we see a young Niles, his foot in a cast and
raised. A young Frasier and a young Martin (with a mustache) stand
by his bed.

Martin: What do you mean, you don't like Archie? It's a riot. You
got your Jughead, your Reggie, your Mr. Weatherby...

The sh*t pulls over to a room on the other side where we see an Adult
Niles sitting at the bedside of a woman whose face is covered by
bandages.

Niles: Please stop crying, Maris. The doctor can always cut off more
next time.

The sh*t pans over to another door. A doctor hands the orderly a
clipboard and he signs. Through the doorway we see Daphne leaning
over Niles.

Daphne: I'll be here when you wake up.
Niles: Promise?
Daphne: Promise.

The orderly pushes the gurney through a set of doors to the operating
areas.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

THE WAITING IS THE HARDEST PART


Scene One - The Waiting Room
Fade in.
Roz and Daphne are sitting down, Martin and Frasier are standing at a
magazine rack.

Martin: [thumbing through a magazine] How come these places never
have any magazines for men? It's all hairdos and recipes
and butt exercises.
Frasier: I was just thinking about what Niles said about the hospital
and the things that happen here.
Martin: Oh, geez, would you look at this: "Ten Saucy Secrets to
Please Him in Bed." You know damn well there are only
four. The rest are just do-si-dos.
Frasier: It's like the whole tapestry of life keeps replaying itself
in these four walls.
Martin: [still reading] I used to bust people for that one.
Frasier: You didn't hear a word I said, did you?
Martin: Yeah, I did. Hospital, tapestry of life... [covering]
Whoa! Nice kitchen.

He walks off.

Frasier: You're a sentimental fool, Dad.

He follows. As he passes the door, we see Martin holding a toddler
Frasier up to a hospital basinet. In front of them, Hester, face
hidden by the doorjamb, is sitting up in bed.

Martin: Well, here he is. Frasier, say hello to your new brother.
Frasier: I don't like him.

CUT TO: everyone sitting down. Martin laughs.

Martin: Remember when you were little and you convinced Niles that
we were all figments of his imagination and the whole world
was just in is mind?
Frasier: I told him we disappeared whenever he left the room.
Martin: Yeah, for months afterwards he was always darting into rooms
to make sure we were still there. Scared the crap out of me,
I was ready to k*ll you.
Frasier: What made you think of that?
Martin: I don't know, I'm just thinking about Niles.
Frasier: Well he must be all right, we're all still here.

They laugh nervously.

Daphne: I don't think I've ever been this frightened in my whole life.
Frasier: [grabbing his folder] Well, Daph, according to my timetable,
Niles is probably off the bypass pump by now, all the
blockages have been bypassed, and the myocardium is now
receiving normal blood.
Martin: How can you know all this but you're stumped by an electric
barbecue fork?
Frasier: Because the human heart was not designed by some idiot in
Japan.
Roz: You know, Frasier, maybe now is not the perfect time to go
into detail.
Daphne: It's all right, Roz.
Frasier: You see, she knows. Knowledge is our ally against anxiety.
Which happens to be the theme of today's "Best of Crane"
which is being broadcast over the airwaves right this moment.
Roz: Oh yeah, they're piping it into the operating room instead
of using anesthesia.
Frasier: Very funny, Roz.
Roz: Oh, I hope the doctors have their earplugs in so they don't
fall asleep too.
Frasier: All right, we get it.
Roz: Seriously, if I was ever gonna rob a bank and wanted to knock
out the guards...
Frasier: All right, Roz.

They all laugh for a moment, then quiet to their thoughts again.
Martin looks over at the vending machine.

Martin: Hey, is that a Chunky in there?
Frasier: Looks like one.
Martin: Been a long time since I've seen one of those. What are they
asking for it?
Frasier: Looks like it's eighty-five cents.
Martin: Oh. Does it only take the exact change?
Frasier: Looks like there's a dollar slot.

Martin checks his wallet.

Martin: Oh, all I have is a ten. Will it take a ten?
Frasier: Why don't you get off your ass and look?
Roz: They usually just take singles.
Martin: Oh. Anybody have a single?

They all check.

Frasier: How can you think about eating now?
Martin: What would you rather have me think about?

Roz gets up.

Roz: I'll get you some change.
Martin: Oh, thanks, Roz.

He hands her the ten.

Roz: Sittin' way too long, anyway.

Roz walks over to the nurse's station.

Roz: Excuse me... [reading her name tag] Colleen? Do you have any
ones?
Colleen: I think so, let me check.

She gets her purse.

Roz: Thanks.

A flashback of Roz and Colleen comes up behind them, Roz rushing in
with Alice in her arms.

Roz: Excuse me.
Colleen: Can I help you?
Roz: Yes. There's something wrong with my baby. She has a little
rash on her cheek. I looked in the book, and I don't think
it's chicken pox. But it does look a little like scarlet
fever.
Colleen: Is this your first child?
Roz: Yes, why?
Colleen: I think this is lipstick.

In the foreground, the present day Colleen looks up from her purse.

Colleen: Will fives do?
Roz: No, I'm afraid I need ones.

In the background, the past Roz sighs in relief.

Roz: Oh, thank God.

She kisses Alice.

Roz: Oh, look at that. That's probably how it happened. Thank
you... [reading her name tag] Colleen. I won't forget you.

She leaves. In the present Colleen looks up again.

Colleen: I'm sorry. All I've got are fives.
Roz: Oh, thanks anyway.
Colleen: Do I know you?
Roz: I don't think so.
Colleen: Are you sure?
Roz: Trust me. I'm really good with faces.

She walks off. In the waiting area, a surgical nurse comes up in
scrubs.

Nurse: Mrs. Crane?
Daphne: Yes.
Nurse: Your husband's doing well. He's off the pump and his heart
is b*ating on its own.
Frasier: [rising] How's his blood pressure?
Nurse: One hundred over sixty.
Frasier: Could be better. Did you thoroughly suction the cardioplegic
solution? See, I'm a doctor.
Nurse: Oh, yes, Dr. Schafer told me about you. He said if you
started asking me questions, I should do this.

She turns and leaves.

Frasier: Oh, I get it! Very nice!
Roz: Well, that's good news, right?

Everyone murmurs agreement. Roz hands Martin his ten back.

Roz: They didn't have any change.
Martin: Oh, sh**t.

They all sit down and wait quietly and uncomfortably for a few moments.

Martin: What ya reading, Daph?
Daphne: I have no idea. I must have read the same paragraph ten
times. I don't know how you're getting through this.
Martin: Well, it's not like the old days when heart surgery was a big
thing. Nowadays they do it so much it's like goin' in for a
hair cut. Read the paper and wait 'til he's done.
Daphne: But aren't you scared?

Martin looks nervous.

Martin: I wonder if that guy has a dollar. [rising] I bet he does.
Excuse me.

He goes off. After a moment Daphne puts her magazine down and grabs
at her purse.

Daphne: Oh, no!
Frasier: What, Daph?
Daphne: [rising] I don't believe this. Excuse me.
Frasier: What?

She hurries over to the pay phone.

Daphne: I was supposed to bring Niles' cell phone, in case any of his
patients call so I can refer them to Doctor Wells. Now I'm
going to be calling his stupid cell phone every two minutes
to check his mailbox.
Frasier: Well, here, let's use my cell phone, all right? We can take
turns calling.

He leads her back to the couch.

Daphne: He asked me to do this one simple thing and I forgot.
I'm such an idiot.
Frasier: Now don't go b*ating yourself up. You didn't do anything
wrong. Come on, I'll dial first.

He starts to call. Behind them, through the door of a room, we see
a young Niles with a broken leg, Frasier talking to him.

Frasier: Now look, Niles, as far as Dad knows, I had nothing to do
with your leg breaking, right?
Niles: You pushed me.
Frasier: Yes, and in exchange for your silence, you'll get ten of my
records. Any ones you want.
Niles: Even the Shostakovich?
Frasier: Not that one!
Niles: Then forget it.
Frasier: Okay, fine.

He hands over a pen and paper.

Frasier: Sign here and initial here.

Martin comes in.

Martin: You still in bed, Mr. Lazybones? Well, if you're going to lie
around all day, I've got you something to read.
Niles: The Charterhouse of Parma?
Martin: Better: Archie!

He hands the comic over to an unimpressed Niles. Outside, we see
the current Frasier getting a drink from the water fountain as Martin
comes by.

Martin: Well, hello Chunky!

Frasier is unsure if this is directed at him.

Frasier: I beg your pardon?
Martin: I got some change.
Frasier: Congratulations.

Martin puts the coins into the vending machine. He's about to press
the buttons when he notices something.

Martin: Hey, is that a Marathon Bar? Oh, geez, now I don't know what
to get.
Frasier: You should go with your first instinct, Dad.
Martin: But I haven't had a Marathon Bar in years.
Frasier: All right, then get a Marathon Bar.
Martin: Come to think of it, I think they quit making Marathon Bars
back in the '80s.
Frasier: Then you should get a Chunky.
Martin: Uh, although, I kinda want to get a Marathon Bar just to see
what it looks like on the inside.

Frasier loses his patience and pushes Martin aside.

Frasier: All right, just get the Chunky!
Martin: All right.

Frasier presses the buttons.

Martin: Hey!
Frasier: What?
Martin: It's stuck! Great! You had to have Chunky!
Frasier: Oh, all right, I'll get it.

He pushes his hand into the machine and tries to reach the candy bar.

Roz: What is going on?!
Martin: We have a stuck Chunky.

Daphne gets up.

Roz: Well, why did Chunky stick his arm in there?
Frasier: Not me, the candy! I give up.

He gets to his feet.

Roz: Don't worry Martin. I'll stop by tomorrow and get us some
Godiva.
Martin: But I want my Chunky!

Daphne comes over, holding a fire extinguisher.

Daphne: Excuse me.

Frasier moves aside and Daphne smashes in the glass front of the
vending machine. Colleen at the nurse's station grabs the phone.
Daphne reaches into the machine and pulls out a candy bar.

Daphne: Chunky, was it?

She hands it to a stunned Martin and walks back to the couch, bursting
into tears. Roz rushes to embrace her.

Roz: Oh, Daphne, it's okay, it's okay. Everything's gonna be fine.

An orderly walks up.

Orderly: Do I need to call security here?
Frasier: Uh, no, it's all right. I'm sorry about this, kind of a
tough time.
Orderly: All right, but keep this area clear until I can get it
cleaned up.
Frasier: Right. And we'll pay for this.
Martin: [holding up the Chunky] And I already paid for this.

The orderly walks off. Frasier and Martin go over to the ladies.

Frasier: Daphne, I know you're in hell right now, but in just about
twenty minutes comes the disconnecting of the ventilator and
the extubation. You can see it all in the diagram on page
24-C...
Daphne: He's not a diagram! He's my husband and he's lying on an
operating table with his chest cut open! I'm sorry if I
can't handle this as well as the rest of you, but I'm
terrified!
Roz: Daphne, it's okay. Just calm down. You know when this is
all over we're...
Daphne: There IS no "when this is over"! There's no tomorrow, no
next week, no next year! There's nothing until he comes out
of there and I know he's okay!

She rushes away from them.

Frasier: Daphne...

Martin puts a hand up.

Martin: Why don't you sit down, Son?

Frasier and Roz sit down as Martin goes over to Daphne.

Martin: Nobody meant anything. It's hard as hell for all of us to be
here.
Daphne: I know. It's just... I hate hospitals. I hate them. I hate
all of this.
Martin: I know.

We pan across to a doorway where we see a doctor talking to Martin.

Doctor: I'm afraid your wife's x-rays don't look good.

We pull back to the present as Daphne and Martin sit back down with
the others.

Roz: Waiting is the hardest part.

FADE TO:

Scene Two - The Recovery Room
Fade in.
Niles is in bed, unconscious. A nurse is checking his vitals. Daphne
leans over him.

Daphne: Niles? You did great. The doctor said it went even better
than he expected. I am so proud of you.
Nurse: He'll be out all night. Why don't you get something to eat?
Daphne: I'll be here when you wake up.

She kisses him on the forehead and leaves.

Reset to: the hallway as she comes out.
She closes the door and walks down the hallway. She takes some tissue
from her purse and wipes her eyes. As she passes an open doorway, we
see her in a hospital bed, holding a baby. Niles is standing over her,
holding another child.

Niles: Say hello to your new sister.
Daphne: Look, she's smiling at you.

The sh*t turns to see Daphne walking away.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

Credits:

Niles is in bed, reading the Jughead comic. He's laughing, but becomes
less enthused as he continues. A nurse comes in to see what he wants.
He motions to the equipment and she turns up the dr*gs. Niles soon
finds the comic entertaining again.