11x12 - Frasier-Lite

[bunniefuu]

Skyline: Plane with KACL banner.

ACT I

Scene 1 - KACL
Frasier is taking a call.

Frasier: Well, Morrie, if you’re not cheating on your wife, and she
still suspects you, then we’re obviously dealing with a trust
issue.
Morrie: [v.o.] More like a crazy issue. And I know where she gets it,
from her mother – who, by the way, came for Thanksgiving and
still hasn’t left. Happy New Year!
Frasier: Perhaps we should tackle these issues one at a time...

Over the line Frasier hears loud knocking.

Morrie: I’m in the bathroom, Celeste! A little privacy?! [into phone]
See how she gets?
Frasier: Well, perhaps what is needed here is...

There is a click as Celeste picks up on another phone.

Celeste: [v.o.] You think I don’t know who you’re talking to in there,
huh, Morrie? It’s your little whore, isn’t it? Hello, whore.
Frasier: Celeste, if I could interrupt for just a moment...
Celeste: A man?! It's worse than I thought.

Another click.

Mother: [v.o.] Celeste?
Celeste: Hang up, Ma!
Mother: You're all on the radio. I'm listening down in the kitchen.
Morrie: How about washing a dish or two while you're down there?

Yet another click.

Britney: [v.o.] I cannot stand this yelling! I'm running away from home.
Morrie: Oh, hang up the phone, Britney, you're going nowhere.
Frasier: And neither is this conversation. [He cuts off the line.]
Well, that's our show for today, with a brief program
note. My KACL colleagues and I are competing against
a team at KPXY to see who can shed the most pounds for
charity. We're off to our first weigh-in right now.
You can keep track of our progress on Channel 6's
Coffee with Kelly. Wish us luck.

Bulldog, Kenny, Gil, and Noel rapidly enter the studio carrying cake
boxes, bags, etc.

Bulldog: Okay, everybody, let's power this crap down.
Frasier: Why?
Kenny: The more you eat before the contest, the more you artificially
boost your starting weight.

They all begin to eat voraciously, except Frasier.

Bulldog: Yeah, we got cheeseburgers, donuts, french fries, tacos...
Gil: And a duck confit that's as rich as Donald Tr*mp and twice as
greasy.
Frasier: Well, it hardly seems in the spirit of the competition. The
entire purpose here is to raise awareness about the obesity
epidemic in this country...

He is interrupted by Bulldog shoving a cheeseburger in his face.

Roz: Come on, Frasier, the winning team gets a free trip to Vegas!

All except Frasier cheer.

Gil: Four glorious days in Sin City, with all its gaudy brilliance,
the feathered headdresses, the fishnet stockings...[He eats a
morsel.]
Kenny: I'm just wearing an aloha shirt, myself.
Bulldog: Come on, Shempsky, pick up the pace.
Noel: I have a digestive disorder where if I eat too much or too
little I get incapacitating stomach cramps.
Roz: It's OK, Noel, you do what's right for you. [suggestively,
moving closer to him] But wouldn't a trip to Vegas be really
fun? And remember, what happens in Vegas... [enticingly
brings a donut to his face] stays in Vegas.

He quickly begins to devour the donut from her hand.

Bulldog: Eat up, Doc!
Frasier: I will do no such thing! It is not fair, and it is
unsportsmanlike.
Bulldog: Ah, who's it gonna hurt?

Noel doubles over in pain and groans.

Bulldog: Shake it off, kid, nobody likes a whiner.

Bulldog slaps Noel's head.

FADE OUT

PIGEON DROPPING


Scene 2 - Frasier's apartment
Martin opens the door to Niles and Daphne

Martin: Hey, Niles, Daph.
Daphne: [rushing to the powder room] Oh, no time for chitchat,
pregnant lady coming through.
Martin: [noticing that Niles has a bandage on his hand] What happened
to your wrist?
Niles: Oh, uh, she rolled over in her sleep and pinned me again.
I even saw it coming this time, like the big rock in that
Indiana Jones movie. [He hangs his coat.]
Martin: Does she know she did it?
Niles: No, no, no, I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I just—
I just, uh, made up an excuse... [looking out to the balcony]
What is Eddie doing?

Martin sits in his chair. While he is speaking, Niles, notices
something on the window, wipes it away with his handkerchief.

Martin: Oh, he's waiting for a pigeon friend of his. We call him
Barney. Flies on the balcony every day and they stare at
each other. Those crazy animals. Yesterday they did it
for three hours.

Niles scoffs in disbelief as he sits on the couch.

Martin: No, I'm not making it up, I watched them the whole time.

As Niles sits, he bumps his sore wrist. Daphne exits the powder room
and sees him wince.

Daphne: Oh, is your wrist still bothering you, dear?
Niles: Oh, just a little flare-up.
Daphne: Poor thing slept on it funny. Woke up screaming like a dying
rabbit.

She sits. Frasier enters. They greet him.

Martin: Hey, Fras, how was the weigh-in?
Frasier: Oh, it was appalling, thank you. My teammates ridiculed me
for not pigging out beforehand. You know what is it about
teams and, and competitions that just brings out the worst in
people?

He hangs his coat.

Martin: Here we go again.
Daphne: What?
Niles: Well, Frasier and team sports are not a happy mix. Freshman
year, in a bid to please Dad...
Frasier: There is no need to tell that story.
Niles: Frasier inadvertently joined the girls' field hockey team.
Frasier: [off their chuckles] The sign-up sheet said "F. Hockey."
I assumed it meant “freshman” hockey.
Martin: The little plaid skirt didn't tip you off?
Frasier: [seething] I thought it was a kilt!

He exits.

Daphne: Well, I'm starving. Where should we go for dinner?

A loud thud is heard against the balcony window.

Daphne: What was that?
Martin: [gasping] Barney! Oh, Daph, would you take Eddie to my room?
I don't want him to see this.
Daphne: Come on, boy, come on now.

She and Eddie exit. Martin and Niles go to the window.

Martin: Oh, how did this happen?
Niles: Oh, now, Dad, birds do fly into windows.
Martin: I know, that's why I keep a safety smudge right there... huh,
where'd it go?

Niles realizes. Martin rounds on him.

Martin: Niles!
Niles: I'm, I'm, I'm sorry. It's, it's a reflex. I-I, I don't even
know I'm doing it.

They exit to the balcony and stare down.

Martin: Are you happy? You k*lled Eddie's little friend. Poor little
guy. [then] Well, what should we do, just kick him over the
edge?
Niles: Dad, wait, he's still breathing!
Martin: Oh! Pick him up!
Niles: But birds are notorious carriers of disease.
Martin: Oh, here, use my hanky.
Niles: [rejecting the hanky] I'll take my chances.

He picks up the bird.

Martin: Oh, don't you quit on us, Barney! You're gonna be good as
new.

They head back inside. But Niles is watching Barney so intently that
he bumps his own head on the glass.

Martin: [as they re-enter] See, that's why we need a safety smudge.

FADE TO:

Scene 3 - Channel 6 studio
Host Kelly is wrapping up with a chef.

[N.B. Bess Armstrong reprises her role as morning-show host Kelly
Kirkland from [8.08] Mary Christmas.]

Kelly: We'll be right back, to see how our teams are doing in the
first week of our Fat to Fit Weight Loss Challenge, so stay
right here.

Kelly samples something from a spoon the chef offers. The KACL team
is to the side, wearing shorts and corporate T-shirts.

Bulldog: Hey, look, it's them.

The KPXY team are all wearing golden training robes.

Roz: Oh, those robes! It makes them look like they're in some kind
of cult.
Noel: Like the high priests of Asmodeus the Destroyer. [off their
looks] Asmodeus - demon of lusts, eater of worlds. Does nobody
read my e-mails?
Kelly: Welcome back. So let's see how our teams fared this week.
Come on in, guys! Come on in!

Frasier notices a large, balding man on the KPXY team.

Frasier: Kenny, who's that last guy on their team?
Kenny: Oh, uh, Wayne Shafter. He's their new general manager.
Frasier: [deep and ominous] So...we meet again, Wayne Shafter.
Kenny: You know him?
Frasier: We went to high school together. He was the captain of the
football team - Mr. Popularity - and my chief rival for the
affections of our Swedish exchange student Giselle Johannson-
Janson.
Kenny: Yeah, so, uh, how'd that work out?
Frasier: Great. We got married and had six kids. What do you think?

Kenny walks away. Frasier decides to make the first contact.

Frasier: Wayne Shafter?
Wayne: Yeah?
Frasier: Frasier Crane.
Wayne: Hey, F. Hockey! [He laughs and shakes Frasier's hand.] What
have you been up to?
Frasier: Oh, you know, not much. Harvard, Oxford, M.D., Ph. D., and
then just recently, I...
Wayne: Hey, remember that time I took your chess set and made you
cry?
Frasier: You did not make me cry. I chose to cry as a tactic to elicit
sympathy and thereby regain my chess set.
Wayne: [scoffing] I threw it in the dumpster behind the cafeteria,
didn't I?
Frasier: I don't know. It was never found.
Wayne: No, I did.
Kelly: [who has been talking in the background] And last up for KACL,
my old friend, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Frasier: Hi, Kelly! [He gives her a friendly embrace.]
Kelly: Hey, Fras, good to see you, get up.

He steps onto the scale.

Kelly: Ouch! One pound heavier, Fras.

KPXY cheers quietly.

Frasier: Well, that can't be, I've added a salad to every meal.

Bulldog and the rest of the team glare at him.

Kelly: So, at the end of one week, it's KPXY down 17 pounds, KACL
down 9. That's all the time we have. Join me tomorrow when
my guests will be the Senior Citizens' Handbell Chorus. Have
a neat day!

Kelly gives a sunny wave, and the teams join her.

Frasier: [pleading his case to his team] Listen. Muscle weighs more
than fat, you know, and the way I've been working out
lately...
Bulldog: Yeah, save it, lard-ass.

The team begins to exit. Wayne calls after Frasier.

Wayne: Hey, you know, Crane, when they say "Take one for the team,"
they don't mean another cruller. [He laughs.]
Frasier: Oh, shut up, Shafter, you're a cruller.
Wayne: Oh, give it up. I'll drop you a postcard from Vegas.
Frasier: I'll tell you what, we are going to win this competition,
Mister. And when we do, you will replace that chess set.
Wayne: Okay, deal. But if we win, you're showing up at our station
in your little field hockey uniform.
Frasier: You're on, you fat scoundrel.
Wayne: All right, shake on it.

Wayne offers his hand. Frasier goes to take it, and he pulls it
away.

Wayne: Psych! Oh, sorry. Sorry, that wasn't cool. Here you go.

Frasier falls for it again, and Wayne again pulls back his hand.

Wayne: Psych!

Frasier begins to exit.

Wayne: Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute, it's not a deal unless we shake
on it. Come on.

Frasier's look says "I'm not falling for it again."

Wayne: Come on. I wouldn't do it for a third time. [He smiles.]
Frasier: All right.

The hand is again pulled back when Frasier reaches for it.

Wayne: Psych! God, I missed you!

He laughs heartily. FADE OUT.

END OF ACT I

ACT II

Scene 4 - Frasier's apartment
Niles and Daphne enter. Niles has a whiplash brace on his neck.

Daphne: Hello, Martin!
Niles: Hey, Dad!

Martin rises from his chair and takes in Niles's brace.

Niles: How's Barney doing?
Martin: Oh, he's doing a lot better today.
Niles: Great. I brought him a treat. Millet and sunflower kernels
with added calcium for beak conditioning. [Daphne goes toward
the kitchen.]
Martin: Mmm. What happened to your neck?
Niles: Oh... [He gives a sidelong glance at Daphne.] Fell out of bed.
Daphne: He's been so accident-prone lately. Every morning it's
something else.

She goes into the kitchen.

Martin: Shamu jump the t*nk again?
Niles: Fortunately, I moisturized right before bed, so I squirted out
like a watermelon seed.

Frasier enters in a track suit, very winded.

Martin: You all right, son?
Frasier: Walked upstairs.
Niles: Why did you walk upstairs?
Frasier: Burning calories.

He begins to do calisthenics against the table behind the couch.

Daphne: Oh, yes, I saw you on TV. You know, that Kelly Kirkland is
quite an actress. I once saw her in a production of Love
Letters with Bill Nye, the Science Guy. [indicating] Tears.

A b*at as they take that in.

Frasier: I've decided to rededicate myself to this diet. The opposing
team is captained by my old high school nemesis, Wayne
Shafter.
Niles: [gasps, then] Which one was he?
Frasier: Thick neck, dead eyes... snapped your PBS umbrella.

Niles grimaces.

Frasier: For the next two weeks, I shall be a speed-walking, calorie-
burning, pound-shedding machine. Daphne, didn't you purchase
some sort of stomach-tightening apparatus for Dad?
Daphne: The Ab Blaster or the Flab Buster?
Frasier: Right. I'll tell you what. Bring me both of them. I'll put
them together, see if I can get a real good workout going.

He notices Niles and Martin caring for Barney.

Frasier: So... is that bird nesting in my cashmere scarf?
Martin: Yeah, we tried a whole bunch of them. That's the one he likes
best.
Frasier: All right, that's it. I want that sky rat out of here.
Martin: Oh, no! Eddie will be crushed. The bird's like his pet.
Frasier: Eddie is a pet. He doesn't get to have a pet.

Frasier exits toward his bedroom.

Niles: [petting the bird] Well, I guess Barney has pretty well
recovered.
Martin: [wistfully] Yeah, I guess. Well, time to go, Barney. Oh,
Eddie, don't worry. He'll come back and visit you.
Niles: It's kind of hard letting him go.

They exit to the balcony.

Niles: Now I know how you must have felt all those times when you
dropped me off at musical theater camp. Sad and frightened...

He goes out the door, Martin lingers.

Martin: [with a meaningful pause] Lots of emotions, son.

He follows Niles onto the balcony.

Niles: Barney, remember us fondly as you spread your wings and soar
free.

Niles shuts his eyes and throws the bird upward. Martin's eyes and
head follow the bird as he drops like a rock.

Martin: Oh, my God! Barney!
Niles: [searching the skies] Where did he go? Is he soaring free?
Martin: He bounced off the railing, and landed on the Cunninghams'
balcony.
Niles: Dad, look! His wing just moved! He's alive!
Martin: I'll go get him.
Niles: Hurry, hurry!

Martin goes back inside.

Niles: [yelling down] Don't you die! I love you, you tough old bird!
[then] Not you, Mrs. Cunningham.

FADE TO:

Scene 5 - KACL
Kenny is in the booth. Bulldog enters. Both of them are edgy.

Bulldog: Hey, what did I tell you about smoking in the booth?

Roz enters from the studio holding a cigarette.

Roz: Oh, bite me. I need something to k*ll my appetite -besides
your STUPID, UGLY FACE!!

Bulldog backs off.

Kenny: Gotcha, Bulldog.

Bulldog pinches Kenny’s nipple, hard.

Kenny: Ow! What did I tell you about that?

[N.B. In fact, David Hyde Pierce is the only member of the regular
cast who does not smoke. He also insists that Jane Leeves not have
a cigarette before any scene that requires him to kiss her.]

Gil enters.

Gil: Thieves! Brigands! I had three-and-a-half ounces of sashimi-
grade ahi in the fridge and one of you has stolen it.
Bulldog: Not me.
Roz: Well, it wasn't me! And it wasn't Noel. He thinks I'm going
to do him in Vegas, so he's barely eaten in two weeks. [She
laughs.] That's why he keeps fainting.

They all stare at Kenny. Roz drags her cigarette.

Kenny: All right, I took it and I liked it! What are you going to do
about it? [Bulldog pinches his nipple again.] Ow! It wasn't
even your fish! [Bulldog pinches his other nipple.] OW!

Unseen before, Noel now rises from the floor, bumping his head on the
desk.

Noel: How long was I out that time?
Roz: [suggestively] Ten minutes, big boy.
Noel: I've got a bump the size of an egg.
Kenny: Don't say "egg."
Noel: Don't tell me what to say.
Gil: I'm still waiting for my ahi.
Roz: Put a sock in it, Princess.
Gil: How dare you?
Roz: How dare you!
Bulldog: Should I cr*ck the egg, Noel, huh?

They all begin to scream at each other at once. Frasier enters.

Frasier: People! People, STOP IT!

They are silent.

Frasier: Now, listen, I understand that we're all a bit cranky...
Gil: Cranky? We're starving. I'm not sure I can hold on much
longer.
Frasier: We've only got one day more to go. We can't cr*ck now when
we're this close to victory! All right, everyone - take a deep
breath.

They all inhale. Roz begins to hack in an obvious smokers' cough.

Frasier: Yes, Roz, cough it all up. We don't want any extra phlegm
weight.

A crowd outside the studio begins to sing "Happy Birthday."

Noel: Whose birthday is it?
Kenny: Gina in accounting.
Roz: Who's Gina again?
Bulldog: New chick. So-so face, a little big in the can.
Gil: Perhaps I'll go wish dear Gina well.
Bulldog: Hey, good idea.

They all agree.

Frasier: Now, that's the team spirit! We may be dieting, but we can
still nourish ourselves on some good office fellowship.
Please give Gina my regards
as well.
Bulldog: Okay, Doc, see ya.

They all say good-bye to Frasier and exit the booth.

Frasier: [to himself] Oh, it's a good team... Good people...

Behind him, they all race past the window.

Frasier: [realizing] Good God! [calling and running after them] Wait!
It's not worth it! It's sheetcake!

FADE TO:

BYE BYE BIRDIE


Scene 6 - Frasier's apartment
The team are all there. Bulldog is wearing a loud silver jumpsuit and
doing rapid step exercises, up and down the little step. Gil is seated
on the couch, Kenny is in Martin’s chair, Roz is smoking near the
balcony window.

Gil: Will you stop that infernal bouncing?
Bulldog: No, sir. No, sir. Gotta keep moving. Constant movement
equals constant calorie burn. You sure you guys don't want
some appetite suppressants?

Bulldog stops briefly and gulps down several pills from a bottle.

Roz: What the hell are those things anyway?
Bulldog: [over-stimulated] They're fine, they're fine, they're natural,
they have ginseng.

He takes another sh*t of them, and begins to do stair exercises again.
Frasier is standing in front of the door and is bumped when Niles and
Martin try to enter.

Frasier: Oh, come on in, Dad.

Martin and Niles enter, Niles carrying a bag.

Martin: What's going on?
Frasier: Well, we had a bit of a discipline breakdown. We've all
agreed to spend the last twelve hours before the final weigh-
in policing each other. It's a good thing you had dinner out.
I've purged the apartment of all foodstuffs.
Niles: Who's that gentleman on the floor?
All: Noel.
Frasier: He passes out from time to time, but not to worry, I'm sure
the next searing stomach cramp will bring him around.

Noel rises from in front of the fireplace with a loud groan.

Frasier: [patting Noel on the back] There you are. You can set your
watch by him. All right, everybody. I believe my bathroom
has probably finished its transformation into a steam room by
now. If you'll all join me, we can relax and sweat off a few
extra ounces.
Bulldog: [excitedly] Okay, you heard the doc, let's go, let's go, let's
go.

Frasier leads them all back, Bulldog shepherding them from the rear.
He slaps Noel’s head as they go. Niles and Martin approach the box on
the bookcase containing the bird.

Niles: [opening the box] Hey, Barney. How's my favorite patient?

Niles reaches a hand in.

Martin: Hey, making progress. He doesn't even flinch anymore at the
sound of your voice.
Niles: He's letting me stroke his wing. You know what? I'm going to
put this birdseed in a bowl.

Niles goes back to the kitchen.

Martin: [to the bird] Oh, you know, there's a sad little fellow who's
been dying to say hello to you all day.

He places the box on the floor next to Eddie.

Martin: That's better. Eddie, come on, say hello.

Eddie rapaciously sticks his head in the box and grabs the bird.

Martin: Oh, my God, Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie runs into the hallway carrying Barney in his jaws.

Niles: [o.s.] Hey, Dad?
Martin: Oh, no.

He grabs the box and places it back on the bookshelf, closing the lid.

Niles: [coming out of the kitchen with a bowl] I've been thinking.
You know...
Martin: [shushing him] Shh. Keep it quiet. That wing rub you gave
him put him right to sleep.
Niles: Well, that's kind of sweet. Well, uh, I'll just go home.

He sets down the bowl of birdseed.

Niles: You know, Dad, I think he may like me even more than he likes
Eddie.
Martin: [with simultaneous irony and truth] No contest.

Niles exits. Martin heads back.

FADE TO:

Scene 7 - Frasier's bathroom
The room is filled with steam. The "team" are all there, only visible
as an odd arm and leg here and there. Bulldog is still wearing his
jumpsuit, Roz is wearing a robe, and the other men are wearing towels.

Bulldog: How much longer, Doc?
Frasier: Another half an hour.
Roz: I can't keep my cigarette lit.

Noel’s voice comes from the floor, indicating he is lying down.

Noel: [weakly] Roz, take my hand.
Roz: Fine, Noel, I'll take your stupid hand.

She gets up and fumbles around.

Roz: Where are you...?
Gil: Roz!
Roz: Oh, my God! Put on a towel, you perv.
Gil: If I had known this sort of thing went on in steam rooms, I'd
never have let you lure me in.
Frasier: All right, just relax, team. Feel the steam literally melting
the pounds away.

A moment of silence.

Kenny: Oh, I'm about to faint. I'm going to grab some water.

He exits.

Bulldog: You sure you want to leave him alone out there? He could be
on his way to Pizza Hut.
Frasier: Good point. I'll just go check on him.

He exits. By now everyone is practically invisible.

Roz: It's weird, my skin tastes kind of salty.

b*at.

Bulldog: Oh, I'd say mostly sweet, but a little salty. Heh, heh, heh.
Roz: That wasn't me, Bulldog.
Gil: That was me you licked. And if it happens again, I shall
consider it strike one.

CUT TO: Kenny walking toward the kitchen wearing a robe. On the way he
sees the birdseed and samples it.

Kenny: Mmm.

He walks back to the kitchen. Frasier follows, belting his robe.
On the way, he observes the bird's feathers on the floor. He picks
one up and releases it, horrified.

He opens the bird's box, sees the bird is gone, and jumps back.

Kenny enters from the kitchen, licking his finger and picking his
teeth. Frasier eyes him with suspicion and shock. Kenny looks
guilty.

Frasier: Kenny... what did you just eat?
Kenny: [sucking his teeth] Nothing.
Frasier: You have a toothpick!
Kenny: Oh, all right, I couldn't take it anymore. I only had a
mouthful.
Frasier: [screaming] Dear God!

The rest of the team rushes in. Noel and Gil are now wearing robes,
and Gil – this kills me – has a pink towel wrapped turban-style around
his head.

Bulldog: What happened?
Frasier: This ravenous madman's just eaten a live pigeon!
Kenny: No, I didn't! I only had some seeds.
Gil: If Kenny gets seeds, we all get seeds.
Roz: Where are they?
Bulldog: No, get away! I saw them first!

They all rush toward the birdseed and struggle for it.

Roz: No, give me those!

The bowl goes flying and scatters birdseed all over the floor.
They clamber over Martin's chair, diving for the birdseed.

Frasier: Stop it! Stop it! Stop this madness! Look at yourselves!

They stop and look up. Roz’s hair is completely messed up.

Frasier: Dear God, we are hours away from victory and look at you,
plucking around the floor like a clutch of crazed capons.
Try to conjure up some image to give us strength. Imagine
yourselves winning. Imagine yourselves in Vegas!
Roz: [whining] I'm still hungry!

Martin enters from the hallway.

Martin: Stay out of the hallway, Eddie just threw up a dead pigeon,
and now he's eating it again.

Martin exits. They all rise saying such things as "Okay, that's it,"
and "That'll do it for me." Kenny spits out the seed residue in his
mouth.

FADE TO:

Scene 8 - Channel 6 Studio
Kelly Kirkland introduces the segment.

Kelly: Next up, the final weigh-in in our Fat to Fit Weight Loss
Challenge, so stay right here.

The team are in their KACL T-shirts.

Frasier: Okay. Everybody take off your watches, jewelry, hairpins,
shoes, anything that'll add just an ounce of weight.

The other team, led by Shafter, enters in their robes.

Wayne: Hey, Crane! Looking forward to seeing you in your field
hockey skirt.
Frasier: Oh, yeah? I'm going to be so busy playing with that new chess
set you're gonna buy me that I won't even have time to put on
my skirt... Not that I still have it!
Kelly: Welcome back! And here they are, come on in folks! KPXY,
you're up first.

The KPXY team is weighed. Instead of a one-person scale, for the
final weigh-in they’ve prepared a trampoline-sized scale for the whole
team, with a big electronic display.

Bulldog: Okay, guys. Huddle up, here's the plan. I'll stand in the
middle. You surround me, and lift me up, so I'm not even
touching the scale.

They stare at him.

Bulldog: What?

The scale dings.

Kelly: Wow, you have lost an impressive 44 pounds, 2 ounces. Great
job, guys!

The KPXY team congratulates each other.

Noel: [delirious] I see giant steaks with legs.
Bulldog: You're hallucinating. [He slaps Noel's head.] Just pull it
together.
Kenny: Uh, no, he's right. It's the Beef Council Dancers. They're
on after us.

Noel slaps Bulldog's head.

Kelly: Okay, Team KACL, up you go.

They mount the scale. It dings.

Kelly: Oh, my goodness! 44 pounds even. You lose by two ounces!

They all begin to groan.

Roz: No! I'm not getting emphysema for this.

She reaches for her purse and grabs a pair of scissors, handing it to
Gil. She then lifts her ponytail.

Roz: Cut me!
Gil: I can't!
Roz: Cut me, damn it!

Gil grimaces as he does so. Roz puts down her ponytail and the
scissors. The scale now changes to 44 lb. 3 oz.

Kelly: Oh, my God! 44 pounds, 3 ounces! They're on their way to
Vegas!

The KACL team cheers (as does the studio audience). The KPXY team
reacts with disgust, and appear to want to cry foul. The KACL team
goes off to the side

Kelly: Don't go away! When we come back, we have a little dance
number that's both "rare" and "well done."

She smiles broadly. The show fades out to music. Shafter approaches
Frasier.

Wayne: Okay, Crane, you won.
Frasier: Yes, I did, Shafter.
Wayne: So, where do I pick up this chess set?
Frasier: The Rook Nook. Ask for Cyril. Tell him you were sent by Dr.
Frasier Crane...

Frasier holds out his hand for Wayne to shake. He takes the bait.

Frasier: PSYCH...

He pulls his hand back as Wayne goes to shake it.

Frasier: ...iatrist.

The KACL team cheers, giving Frasier hugs and high-fives.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT II

Credits:

The team is enjoying a small feast from a side table in the television
studio. They all exit together, except for Noel, who indicates that he
will follow. Roz is the last to leave. Noel rushes back to the scale
area and picks up the lock of Roz's hair. He sniffs it lovingly, and
tucks it inside his shirt, whereupon he rushes back in the direction
the team left.