09x20 - The Gene Mile

[bunniefuu]

TINA: I wonder why we're all assembled here today?

I hope we're about to enter the Hunger Games, 'cause I'm starving.

Maybe they're gonna tell us this is all a joke.

(clears throat) Who's ready to have a little fun?

When I say "announce," you say "ments."

Announcements. Aah, I messed that up.

Anyway, here's your P.E. instructor, Coach Blevins.

This Friday, every single student at Wagstaff will be participating in our annual fourth through eighth grade mandatory mile run.

-(students gasp)
- What-What's happening?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Every student is required to run unless you have a real doctor's note, not a very convincing fake one that any intelligent person would fall for.

We'll be running the same route as last year on the sidewalk outside of school property.

Teachers will be placed around the route here, here, here and here to make sure you don't get lost or taken or something worse I'm not thinking of.

This dot on the map is me.

But I'll be scooting about on my adult scooter to inspire while you perspire.

Okay.

Now let's move on to the booger wall.

Mr. Branca is scraping and painting today, so if you want a picture of yourself with it or if you want to take any of your boogers home, you have two hours.

We have to run? A mile?

And it's mandatory?!

What a bunch of crap!

Well, listen, I can't run the mile!

- Okay?
- If I run a mile, I will die!

A mile is like five miles

-if I run a mile with these little legs!
-(inhales)

Tell me about it. (exhales)

- Okay, you want a hit?
- Nah, I'm good.

I want to stay angry.

Hey, Jimmy Jr. I was thinking it could be cool if we ran the mile together this year.

(laughs): W-Wait, you?

- Run with me?
- Uh, yeah.

- Doesn't that sound kind of fun?
-(laughs) Sorry, Tina.

But have you seen how fast I run?

I-I guess? Um, I just thought it-it could be a nice way

-to spend time...
- Well, I mean,

I'm gonna try and break nine minutes, so...

I could just try to run with you?

Maybe we could hang out after the mile when you finish and I've already been doing something else for, like, two or three minutes.

Okay, you know what, Jimmy Jr.? I'm not gonna run with you.

- Yeah, I know, Tina.
- I'm gonna b*at you.

(laughs) That's crazy.

You better start training, Jimmy Jr., 'cause Mama's comin' for you.

I'm Mama in this scenario.

So, how are we getting out of it this time?

I don't know. I think Coach Blevins finally realized

Dr. Good-doctor isn't a real doctor.

"Gene and Alex both need constant contact "with their behinds on a surface to realign their butt-cheeks. Love, Dr. Good-doctor."

I can't run a whole mile in a row.

What do they think I am, a car?

(gasps) It's on again.

ANNOUNCER: This weekend at the Wharf Arts Center,Cake is back.

It's so beautiful.

And this time, they're gonna patty-cake your breath away.

(gasps) It did.

It just caked my breath away.

- Tickets on sale now.
- So, are you going?

- I wish.
- Tickets are so expensive.

How much could they be?

I was just checking this morning on the Wharf Arts Center website.

Here, look.

Ooh. That is not cheap.

Wait, look. It says this Friday, they're gonna release discounted tickets at : a.m.

You can get them over the phone.

Oh, my God. I-If we call right at : , maybe we'll get lucky.

We're great at calling places at certain times.

Like how I call Ginger every day at : , and she says, "Call me later," and then I forget.

TINA: Stupid Jimmy Jr.

Thinks I can't keep up with him.

(singsongy): Well, at least after we run the mile, we can all go get a free scoop of ice cream.

What are you talking about?

Friday is free scoop day at Moo's Clues.

I've been saving up my money for it for weeks.

Just kidding. It's free, so I won't need any money. (laughs)

I've always wanted to go to free scoop day.

Don't even bother. Let me paint a picture.

Last year. Free scoop day.

-(school bell ringing)
- It was a beautiful afternoon,

the perfect kind of afternoon for eating...

- COURTNEY: Ice cream.
- GENE: Thank you, Courtney.

- COURTNEY: Mm-hmm.
- GENE: But by the time

school got out and we arrived at Moo's Clues,

the line was down the block.

When we finally got to the counter,

the only flavor left was

Rum Raisin Sorbet.

ALEX: Dear Lord.

No! Why?!

The only way I'd go to free scoop day would be to somehow go during school, which is impossible.

Wait, Gene. That's a great idea.

We could go during the mile. We'd have no lines and all the flavors to choose from.

How would we go during the mile?

I mean, Coach Blevins showed us the map.

This is school. We start running the race with everyone else here.

Not liking the plan so far.

Shush, shush, shush. The morning of the race, we could hide bikes under the bushes where no teachers are stationed here.

Then, while all the other kids are running this way, we'd just have to ride two blocks off route to Moo's Clues, eat our free ice cream, get back, stash our bikes, blend in with the other runners, and finish the mile.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna pass out. That's a great plan!

Mm, I don't know if there's enough time to do all of that.

Yeah, last year, some eighth grader ran it

in, like, seven minutes.

We can't do all that in seven minutes.

- That's cuckoo.
- No.

We're gonna blend in with the back of the pack.

Who runs the slowest mile?

I think Large Tommy ran it in, like, minutes.

Oh, right, 'cause he had to repeat the fourth grade.

I get it. Pick a grade you like and stick with it.

Okay, so, we'll have about minutes.

It's tight, but we could pull it off.

Like my Spanx.

All we have to do is finish before he does.

But what if Tommy runs it faster this year?

Well, we could... track him.

Okay. (scoffs) We'll use the trackers we got

-when we were in the CIA.
- No, no, no.

My dad bought our cat a GPS collar so he could keep track of her.

That little happy cat is Susan.

Aw.

If we could somehow put the collar on Large Tommy, then we'd know exactly when we'd need to finish the race by.

Wow. Courtney, I'm impressed.

Guys, this plan sounds a little risky.

Well, there's no way I could run a whole mile.

So I say we take the risk and we do the ice cream plan.

All right, we're doing this.

Tina, are you in? You want ice cream?

No ice cream for me.

I'm just gonna have a double scoop of b*ating Jimmy Jr.'s ass into the asphalt.

Suit yourself, sis.

'Kay, Friday morning, we all leave for school early, we hide our bikes, and then we eat any flavor of free ice cream we choose.

And if we have time, we take all of the Rum Raisin Sorbet out of that store and burn it.

- Uh, I like Rum Raisin Sorbet, actually.
- Rudy!

Get some rest, phone. You have a big day tomorrow.

You're gonna get us tickets to see Cake Two: Cake My Breath Away.

(high-pitched): Don't worry, I got this, Bob.

(normal voice): I know you do, B.P.

(high-pitched): What's B.P.?

(normal voice): "Bob's phone." Your nickname.

Do you love it? No.

What do you want to be named? Phil.

Stop talking to your phone, Bob. Go to sleep.

One second. You're so old, but I believe in you.

- Bob, go to sleep!
- Okay. I love you.

Are you talking to me or to your phone?

Uh, y-you... ?

You're lookin' good on that big-girl bike, Louise.

Thank you.

I mean, I'm being nice. But good effort.

All right, we're here.

Ah, dang. I tried to skid out, but it didn't work.

Man, that would have been cool.

-(bell ringing)
- Ah, ring, ring. I'm here.

Hey, Courtney. You don't have to say "ring, ring" and ring your bell.

I also don't have to say "tinkle" when I'm tinkling, but I do.

Oh, my God. All right, let's stash our bikes.

How's everybody feeling?

- Pumped.
- So good.

- Scared.
- Alex, you have to bury that fear.

One slip-up, and you could endanger the mission.

We live by the cone or we die by the cone!

I think they also have cups.

- So, are we cool?
- Yeah.

- Now, give me a hug.
- On it.

Wait, a quick one or, like, uh, what are we doing?

Hug me like you got lost at an amusement park, and you just found your mommy.

- I'll do a hug.
- Get in here, girl!

- Aw...
- I want a hug.

Bring it in, Rudy.

You're really missin' out, Louise.

Oh, no, I'm-I'm not.

Good morning, Wagstaffians.

- In a minute, you will begin...
- Oh, crap, I forgot my hard hat.

Why do you need a hard hat?

'Cause I'm gonna demolish you.

- All right, Courtney, give me the tracker.
- Here you go.

Geez, I hope Susan doesn't pick today to run away.

That'd be terrible timing on her part.

You don't think she'll run away, do you?

Susan? No.

Guys, look. Tommy has a hydration pack.

We can hide the cat collar in there.

I say we stick with the original plan and tell him it's a cool anklet.

Gene, no. I'm moving in.

- What's up?
- Uh, nothing.

Your backpack is unzipped. There ya go.

What do you, uh, have to drink back there?

Water. Actually, it's milk.

Done. Courtney, do we have a signal?

- Check.
- All right.

Now we just have to get to the finish line before that happy little cat face does.

-(door bells jingle)
- Hi, Teddy!

We're about to call and try to get tickets for Cake.

Hey, I could help. I got a phone.

Uh, yeah. Thanks, Teddy.

That's what best friends are for.

Uh, let's-let's see if you get through.

Okay, we have one minute till the lines open.

This is the number for the Wharf Arts Center.

- How-How's your battery?
- Great.

I got a mighty %.

Huh, that's not... Crap, it's time. Dial. Dial!

Wait, I can't read your writing. Is that an eight or a boob?

That's an eight, Lin. Why would it be a boob?

Ju-Just dial.

- On your mark. Get set...
-(whistle blows)

Go! Go! Go!

Go! Run. Come on.

(panting): See ya later, Tina-gator!

Hmm. I might've started a little too hot. (straining)

It's hard to talk and run. Stop making me talk, Tina!

TINA: Oh, my God. Jimmy Jr. is a terrible runner.

GENE: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

All right, we just have to make it to the bushes.

This already feels like a lot of running.

Just use your thing already, Rudy.

You mean my booster rocket?

(inhales sharply) Blastoff.

Hello? Hi. Is anyone there?

No. Just the hold recording started over.

I know, I keep thinking a real person is picking up.

(door bells jingle)

Hi. Welcome to Bob's Burgers. What-what can I get you?

Yeah, I'll take a burger of the day.

Oh, wait, hold on. Hello? Oh, still on hold.

- Uh, what can I get you?
- A burger of the day.

Whoa, whoa, wait, hold on. Hello? Oh. Still on hold.

Uh, sorry. Wha-What can I...

I'm sorry, is there someone else who could take my order, maybe?

Hi. I can help you. What would you like?

- Yeah, I'll have a burger of...
- Wait, hold on.

- Oh, my God.
- Hello? Still on hold.

- What can I get ya?
- You know what? I-I'll come back.

What's the matter? You're not hungry?

What's that guy's problem?

(panting): Just give up now, Tina!

TINA: Wow. I actually feel kind of bad for him.

Maybe I should let him win.

Ah, screw it. I'm gonna take him.

Ha! You're only in front of me 'cause I let you be.

Okay, I really got to stop talking.

Guys, we're here.

Once he gets a little further out of sight, we'll grab our bikes and ride.

And then we'll grab our ice cream and licky, licky,

-licky, licky, licky.
- All right,

let's move!

I can already taste the ice cream, and also my sweat.

I really hope my cat doesn't run away today.

- What is going on with you?
-(chain rattling)

No. No! Guys, wait! Wait!

I can still catch them.

I just have to put my bike chain back on. Aah!

No, they're getting away! Stay calm. Stay calm.

Crap, I have to hide my bike.

Uh, maybe he won't notice me.

FROND (over megaphone): Gene Belcher! What are you doing?

I'm just running slowly by myself.

Nothing suspicious!

You're a little off course. Come back this way.

Oh, no. We lost Gene.

He's gonna die out there.

Oh, God. Ugh!

I can't believe I actually have to do this.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee, give me strength!

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

-(Gene grunting, panting)
- You can do it!

You just have three-quarters of a mile left!

Which is a lot, but don't think about that.

We can't just leave him out there, we're not animals.

Guys, Tommy just made the first turn.

Damn it!

We have to keep moving.

If we go back, nobody gets ice cream.

If we go forward, we get ice cream.

I say we go forward. For Gene.

No, how-how is that for Gene?

It's what he would have wanted, Rudy.

I say we keep going. For Gene.

I also want ice cream. For Gene.

- For Gene!
- For Gene.

I feel like we're not doing it for Gene,

-but if...
- We're doing it for Gene!

Okay. Fine.

Just because you're in last place doesn't mean you're slower than everyone else.

And now that I've inspired you, I'm gonna scoot to the finish line athletically.

(panting): No shame in taking a break to walk, Tina.

Why don't you come up here and tell me that, Slow Stuff.

I don't... (panting) want to.

Hey, hey. Mine's ringing.

Hello? Can you hear me?

I-I think we got a bad connection.

Teddy, go by the window. That's the good spot.

- Hello? No, it's worse here.
- Oh, my God, Teddy.

Don't let the call drop.

- Uh, go to higher ground.
- O-Okay.

- Stand on a booth.
- It's a little better.

Wait, no, I-I'm gonna go higher.

Why did you pick a booth with a customer?

I don't know. Uh, sorry, ma'am. Keep eating.

Uh, hi. Hi. Can you hear me? Great. Hi.

What show am I calling about? What show am I call... ?

- Cake, Teddy. It's called Cake!
- Cake.

Sure, I'd be interested in hearing about all your shows in the upcoming Wharf Arts Center season.

- The-the tickets, Teddy.
- Wow.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, huh?

How do they get the cat to do that?

Get the tickets, Teddy.

All right. No, he just wants to see Cake.

Do you still have discounted tickets?

You do? That's great.

Okay, so let me get two of those, please.

Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, no.

- What happened?
- Eh, my phone just ran out of batteries.

What the heck? I was at three percent when I started the call.

Oh, my God, Teddy.

(Louise sighs)

We made it. We actually made it.

- Today I become a man.
- Every flavor.

There's no line and they have every flavor.

Whoa, they have vanilla.

Hello... Vanessa.

Uh, I'll have your largest and free-est scoop of Ripple Fudge Caramel Delight, please.

And could you throw in a scoop of Raspberry Rumble on top?

Also for free.

You get one scoop. Standard size.

Don't come back. I'll recognize you.

I'll recognize all of you, got it?

Yup. Got it. One scoop, sounds great.

-(panting, gasps)
- Ah!

Sorry, I didn't see you.

I-I'm just gonna take a little break real quick.

- No. You can't stop.
- What? Why?

It hurts so bad if you stop moving.

It's like your bones turn into nails and your blood turns into pain.

Oh, God. And my shoe's untied.

- Don't stop.
- Eh, fine.

Let me get a sip of that...

Mmm, milk.

JIMMY JR.: Had enough yet, Tina?

The back of your head looks exhausted.

Hey, Jimmy Jr., maybe less running your mouth and more running your feet, huh?

BOB: Pick up, pick up, pick up.

- Hello. Hi.
- Did you get through?

Yes. I'm calling for the discounted tickets for Cake Two.

Oh. Okay. Crap.

I'm sorry, Bobby. They just sold the last two.

(sighs deeply)

Eh... Oh, well.

There's nothing any of us could have done. (sighs)

- You.
- What, me?

- You.
- All right.

Uh, Teddy, it was good to see you. Time to go, hon.

We had the tickets! We had them!

Are you saying this is my fault?!

Yes! Who doesn't charge their phone, Teddy?!

I did! It only charges to %.

Then bring a charger, you idiot!

Okay, calm down, fellas. It's just a show.

Middle of the day and your phone's at %?

- Bob... stop.
- What am I supposed to do?

- Replace my phone every ten years?
- Yes!

Do me a favor and don't tell me how to live my life!

I'm-I'm-I'm leaving.

- Good! Great!
- Yeah, I'm leaving.

- That's great, leave!
- I'm leaving.

I hope your car isn't out of batteries.

Yeah, cars don't have batteries, idiot.

They run on gas. And batteries.

Damn it.

Eat faster, people.

I mean, savor it but speed it up.

Oh! Pushin' through the brain freeze.

Licky, licky, licky, licky, licky.

- Like Gene said. You remember?
- Yeah.

- Licky, licky, licky, licky.
- Man, this just doesn't feel

-that great without him.
- Licky, licky, licky, licky.

- Also, Courtney, stop doing that.
- Ugh.

I feel mostly fine, but, ugh, I see your point. Hang on.

Everybody, stop eating. Stop!

We left Gene behind but that doesn't mean we have to leave his free scoop behind.

She's not gonna give us another scoop, Louise.

That's right. But we can give him our scoops.

What are you talking about?

Quick, come put whatever you haven't eaten into my cone.

We're bringing Gene back a scoop of our leftovers.

Well, I guess Gene needs it more than I do. Fine.

That's the spirit. Now plop it on in here, people.

- Wait, wait, guys.
- What?

Tommy only has a couple blocks left.

Crap. Let's move.

The faster we go, the faster we get there.

I'm in no mood for your elaborate riddles.

I can't believe you've done this before.

I mean, they make us do it,

but it does feel really good to finish.

Tommy, you inspirational bastard.

I'm riding with one hand. I'm riding with one hand!

Someone's fishing for a compliment. Good job, Louise.

- Look, I see them.
- LOUISE: Gene!

Gene, we're back.

Look at me. I'm running!

And I think I have a chance

- of finishing this thing!
- We brought you a scoop.

Just stop so we can stash our bikes and hand it to you.

I can't stop!

Well, I'm gonna fall off my bike.

I'm riding with one freakin' hand, just take it!

Fine! Ugh, I really want to stop and eat this,

(panting): but I'm gonna keep running.

(horn honking)

Susan! Susan, where are you, sweetie?
Susan!

Oh, no. Guys, it's my dad. He has the cat tracker

- on his phone, too.
- What?

Courtney, it's Susan.

I'm desperately seeking Susan.

I followed the tracker here.
W-Wait, why are you on a bike?

Susan's fine, Daddy. Just go home.

I will not go home. Susan is close.

Wait, she's moving further away.

Very slowly?

Is she in that boy's backpack?

Gene and Gene's friend, stop right now.

- He made us stop running.
- Ow!

I can't feel my bones, but it hurts!

Daddy, what did you do to them?

Nothing, but I'm going to open this one's pack.

Susan, Daddy's here.

What is going on?
Why-why are you on bikes?

Gene Belcher, where did you get that ice cream cone?

- Uh...
- Wait, what the heck?

- I need to find Susan.
- Who is Susan?

- My cat!
- Oh, God, no.

Gene, you need to stand up and stop eating that ice cream.

- I wasn't eating it, and I can't get up.
- Why not?

Because I can't feel my legs because I was running.

I was actually running.

Someone needs to explain what's going on here.

Courtney, you need to speak up right now.

Daddy, Susan is fine. She's at home.

I just borrowed her collar for something.

Oh, good. Oh, boy.

So Mr. Wheeler's cat has been located.

Now would anyone like to explain just what's going on with this whole situation?

Tina, I'm sorry, okay?

I should have just run with you.

I-I got too competitive.

Yeah, you were a jerk about it.

Well, if it's not too late, I-I'd like to...

- Kiss?
- What? No.

Run the rest of the mile with you.

That sounds nice. All right, I'm slowing down.

(panting): Uh, yeah.
Like I said, I'm sorry.

- Wait, are you speeding up?
- (grunting)

- No.
- Yeah, you are. Stop it.

- You're speeding up.
- I'm not speeding up.

Are you still trying to b*at me?

No! No, you must be slowing down because you're tired.

(both grunting)

- Yes!
- (shouts)

Ah, dang it!

- You made me do that, Jimmy Jr.
- I'm sorry.

- I don't forgive you.
- I hurt so much.

I got to stretch out my quads and hammies.

Okay, I forgive you. I'll stretch you out.

Glutes, too. Let's start with those.

Since no one will talk, you will all be redoing the mile tomorrow.

After I check with Principal Spoors to confirm I have that authority.

Well, guys, we had a good run.

I mean, we didn't actually run, but you know what I mean.

We almost pulled it off.

(sighs) We'll do the stupid mile.

I know. You don't have a choice.

I'm telling you you're doing it.

But Gene shouldn't have to.

That guy ran his butt off today.

Wait, where is Gene?

Oh, look. He's doing it.

- LOUISE: Gene! Whoa.
- He's actually doing it.

Got to finish, got to finish.

FROND: Gene, get back here!

You'll have to catch me, Mr. Frond!

Gonna finish! Gonna finish! Gonna finish!

I did it! I did it!

I just ran a freakin' mile! Tommy, we did it!

No, Gene, we did it.

- That's what I said.
- Oh.

Okay, fine, Gene doesn't have to run tomorrow.

But everyone else does.

Again, if I have the authority to make you do that.

And now I'm gonna eat this scoop.

It was not free. I earned this.

Licky, licky, licky, licky, licky.

Whoa! What flavor is this?

Cheer up, Bobby. Maybe we can go see something else at the Wharf Arts Center.

I-It's okay.
I-I'll be fine.

- I-I might have gotten a little worked up, huh?

-(door bells jingle)

Uh, I've been sitting in my truck outside.

Yeah. Well, look, I just want to say I-I'm sorry I got upset at you.

- I-I just really wanted to see...
- No, no, no, no, no.

Eh. Go on, what were you saying?

I was about... I was in the middle of apologizing,

-but you cut me off.
- No. W-What? You go ahead.

- I-I didn't mean to...
- No, I know I can go ahead...

- No, go ahead and you apologize.
- So now you're telling me to go ahead, because I was in the...

No, just go ahead. You wanted to say something...

You can't even let someone apologize!

Get out, Teddy! Go back in your truck!

You know what, that's great. That's great.

That's the way this day should end.

Wait, Teddy, stop. I-I'm sorry.

I'm just a little worked up, still.

Yeah, well, it turns out

- I had a phone charger in my truck.
- That's great.

And I had a voice mail from the Wharf Arts Center.

You did?

Yeah. They called back with caller I.D. and they said they set aside two tickets to Cake for you.

- What? That's incredible.
- Yep.

They said I just had to call back in the next five minutes.

- Did-did you call back?
- I wanted to tell you first.

- Teddy, please call back!
- Right. No, yeah.

Right now. Right. I'll call back.

Hello. Yes, this is Teddy, the one that you called.

Right. Yes, that's my... Yep, you called me. Right.

How are you doing? Eh.

Hey, I got to ask, what is that accent?

Is it Jamaican, or Scottish?

- Teddy.
- Ted-Teddy.

Hey, I should probably just get those tickets.

So, if I could go... Hello? Hello?

Hello? Bobby, can I borrow your phone real quick?

♪ Cake ♪
-(rhythmic clapping)

♪ Come on ♪

(rhythmic grunting)

(clapping continues)

♪ ♪

(grunting continues)

♪ Yeah ♪

(grunting, clapping continues)

♪ Cake! ♪