07x16 - Eggs for Days

[bunniefuu]

(Theme)

(tires screeching)

(Bob whistling)

Wow, Bobby, nice whistling.

You're in a good mood.

Yeah.

Because tomorrow's Easter, which means all next week, everybody who gave up red meat for Lent will be coming in for a burger.

We call it the Beef Boom.

Beef Boom.

And the kids are home for spring break so they get to help.

- Making that Lent rent!

- It's the dream.

This year, I gave up my cholesterol medication for Lent.

Teddy, y-you shouldn't do that.

It's okay, Doctor.

Just a few more days, I think I can make it.

How many eggs am I allowed to eat?

Nine?

- None - teen?

Gene, you're only robbing yourself of the fun of finding it later.

But what if I accidentally just peeled this one and it's on course to intersect with this hot sauce and then somehow careen into my mouth?

(eating noises)

Oh, no!

- Gene!

- Eat one from the other bowl so there's an even number for the egg hunt.

You got it, toots.

Oh, right.

You and Bob have your big egg hiding competition.

Yep.

Last egg found wins.

This year we're doing 72 eggs.

I mean 70, 'cause you're eating another egg, right?

GENE: Don't make me do math!

It's a lot of work, but it's worth it because we do it for the kids.

They love it!

Plus, I always win.

Ha, except for the last three years.

You got lucky.

This year, you're going down, mister!

(whispering): Hey, uh, what if we just took all these eggs right now and put them in the Dumpster so we don't have to do the stupid egg hunt?

Come on, Louise, you know how much they love it.

It's their time to shine.

Last year we didn't find the last egg until 8:30 at night.

And they don't give us our candy baskets from the Easter Bunny till it's over.

It's the perfect crime.

I'm just saying, why don't we just tell them we hate it?

It would break their hearts.

I don't think we should do that.

Ugh, okay, fine, but feelings aren't Easter eggs, - and I can't hide them forever.

- Good one.

Oh!

I just thought of a new hiding place.

Mm-hmm.

Is it inside the paper towel roll?

No.

I hate you.

LINDA: Go to sleep, guys, or the Easter Bunny won't come.

And don't come out of your rooms, even if you have to pee.

Just pee in your beds.

GENE: Way ahead of you.

Look what I found on sale at Food World!

Jellybean schnapps.

Isn't it fun?

Theme drink.

Oh, God.

Oh, good.

This is amazing.

It's like all the flavors at once.

Right?

It doesn't even taste like it has alcohol in it.

How much does it have?

100 proof?

- Is that even legal?

- I think.

I-I mean the label's got a lot of misspelled words.

And it looks like it's just taped on.

(chuckles)

Did you buy it at a store?

Or did you just get it from a guy?

I got it in the parking lot.

I don't think Food World sells in the parking lot.

Everything is in the store, 'cause that's where you have to check out.

You know, I thought that.

Mm-hmm.

It'll be fine, it'll be fine.

Smell it!

It smells good.

Well, actually, it smells bad.

But it tastes good.

Exactly.

Happy Easter.

Okay, same rules as always, and mark your eggs down on the map so we can make sure they all get found.

And whoever's egg is found last is the winner.

- Let's have a clean fight.

- All right.

One more drink for motivation.

Okay, one more and then it's time to get serious.

Then we'll schnapps drinking.

You get it?

Stop?

Schnapps.

Stop.

- Drink.

Okay.

- No.

Bob, you're babbling.

Huh.

Yeah.

Am I drunk alrea (Bob groaning)

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Ow.

Ow.

I can feel my blinks.

They hurt so much.

Oh, I'm gonna barf.

I'm gonna barf.

I'm gonna barf.

Wait.

No, not yet.

Oh, I'm too tired.

Lin, what happened last night?

Did we hide the eggs?

Oh, I don't know.

I think so.

Oh, no, there's one in my hand.

Um, I'll just hide it here.

Under my pillow.

Did you see?

Yeah, no.

I can't oh Hopefully I did a better job with the rest of them.

Okay, I'm gonna go barf now.

Here I go.

Getting up.

No, oh, no, I'm sitting down.

I'm sitting down.

I got to sit down.

Oh, hi, kids!

Hey, are we doing this or what?

I need to get some jellybeans in my face before midnight.

(groans)

Please don't say "jellybeans."

- Jellybeans.

- (gags)

Gene.

What's wrong with you guys?

We were just up late.

You smell like candy and B. O.

mixed together, like a homeless M&M.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you both look like Nicholas Cage right now.

Why don't you guys go wait in the living room?

I'm just gonna sit and, um, groan for a second.

Hear ye, hear ye.

Shh.

Too loud, too loud.

(quietly): Ye olde annual Belcher egg hunt What?

I can't hear you!

Shh!

I can't hear you now!

Okay, okay, Louise.

Ye olde annual Belcher egg hunt is about to begin.

Remember to call out whose egg it is when you find one, because one of those eggs will be the last.

And it will probably be mine.

And a-go.

(kids panting)

Get ready to lose, big talker.

You're the one that's gonna lose, Bob.

I hid my eggs great.

Actually, I don't know if I did.

Hey, do you remember where any of your eggs are?

Not really.

Where's the map?

Uh, oh, right, right, right, map, the map.

Ooh, map is a no-go.

Did I write "Linda is a fart" on it?

Yeah.

You did.

- (laughs)

That's hilarious.

- Eh.

It's okay.

Uh, don't worry, I'm sure they'll find the eggs.

I-I'm just gonna go take some more aspirin.

How many can I take?

Like, 20?

Yeah, that sounds right.

Oh, you know what?

I'll take ten.

It's Mom's.

In the plunger.

Sorry, Mom.

No, it's fun, it's fun.

Easter's fun.

- Come here, Gene.

- Yeah?

Don't find another egg unless it's got a "D" on it.

Ha, ha.

Found one.

It's Dad's.

Um, Tina, what if you just put it back?

Dad, that's cheating.

- I'll give you $500.

- I heard that!

- It's Mom's.

- Huh.

I feel like that was a hiding place of mine last year.

That's weird.

It's almost like you remembered it and then copied it because it was so good.

Don't you need to go start the ham?

Ugh.

You look like a giant pink jellybean.

(high-pitched): Just glaze me and get it over with.

- Sorry, Mom.

- Damn it!

We have 62 eggs.

And it's only 6:45 p.

m.

Yeah.

In the early evening.

Yeah.

And we started at 7:00 a.

m.

I remember that.

It was so long ago.

I was young.

- My feet hurt.

- Um, may I suggest that we could have some hints?

No!

Hints make it less fun.

Trust us, they don't.

Aw, they're loving it.

I am getting hungry, though.

Is the ham ready?

Oh, let me check.

I never turned the oven on.

I-I think I might have still been drunk earlier.

And now.

Should we order pizza?

Did you guys find the last egg yet?

No!

(Louise clamoring)

(spits)

Louise, you're getting flour everywhere.

(laughs)

This is it!

I did it!

Number 70.

- Whose is it?

- Is it mine?

It is a "D.

" - No!

- Yes!

I am the king!

The king of eggs!

All right, here are your candy baskets.

Yeah!

(laughs)

Great hunt, everybody.

After you have a little candy, make sure you get a good night's sleep for a Beef Boom.

Time to strap on the old feed basket.

I'm not even tasting it, mm.

Remind me again, is it okay to eat the Easter basket grass?

Ugh, what's that smell?

(sniffing)

Smells like a Gene special.

I'm flattered, but it wasn't me.

Let's round up the usual suspects: Tina's breath, Tina's pits, Tina's shoes.

All good ideas.

(sniffs)

No, I, I know that smell.

Me, too.

(sniffs)

Oh, my God!

It's an egg!

A rotten egg!

(gasping)

Aah!

Oh, no.

Did we not find one of the eggs?

Last one to find the rotten egg is a rotten egg.

That smell can't be an egg.

You kids dyed 72 in the restaurant, and then Gene ate two.

We hid 70, we found 70.

Wrong, father, I ate one.

What?

I told you to eat another one so that we'd have an even number.

You said, "You got it, toots.

" Uh, yeah, I meant it like, "You've got it, toots," like you've got that certain something.

So there's still one egg we haven't found.

And it could be mine.

The competition isn't over!

I could still win!

Isn't that fun, everybody?

It's not not fun.

Also, chances are, it's mine.

- But it's probably mine.

- Mine.

Ugh!

This smell is worse than when Gene kept a turkey sandwich as a secret pet for a year.

Steve Turkel.

He was my best friend.

(sighs)

Is it getting worse?

It is, right?

Uh, w-we need to find it, like right now.

We can't.

We got to open for Beef Boom.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

We'll just have to look for it at the end of the day.

Great, because we love looking for eggs.

Right, guys?

We love, love, love it.

Hmm.

Uh TEDDY: Missing egg, huh?

You know, same thing happened to a family on my street growing up.

- They had to move out.

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

City had to burn the building down.

Uh, that can't be true.

Thanks for the masks, Teddy.

These will make it easier to search.

No problem.

Now we'll just be breathing in this skanky perfume while we look.

"Sensational Gardens" is not skanky.

It's a distinctive fragrance by Kelly Ripa.

Who is very classy and from New Jersey.

BOB: We checked everywhere, and it's late.

So maybe we should just go to bed.

Oh, I don't think I could sleep with this smell.

Should we get a hotel room?

Yes.

I'll make a call.

TINA: Something with a view.

And robes.

LINDA: Ooh, robes.

BOB: I think I know a much better place, and it's far more affordable.

Family sleepover!

Isn't this fun?

It's even better than a hotel.

We got sleeping bags and some free floor French fries Free floor ketchup.

That's blood.

And what if I told you there's also a man looking at us through the window?

- GENE: Even better.

- Oh, my God, it's Mr.

Fischoeder.

Uh, hi, Mr.

Fischoeder.

- Hi, Bob.

- Uh, if you're here for the rent, we don't have the checkbook down here.

We also don't have the actual money.

- Um, in the bank.

- Bob.

Bob, it's, it's okay.

I was, (chuckles)

not here for that.

I was I was just on my way to a brothel uh brothelizer, uh uh, showcase.

Uh They're showing off this new thing that tests how much broth you've, uh, drunk.

- Well, that's - And anyway, and I saw you here in your pajamas and I thought, well, what the hell is that?

Uh, we lost an egg upstairs.

"Lost an egg upstairs"?

Is that an expression that, uh, blue collar people use?

Or No, we hid the Easter eggs, and we can't find one of them and it really smells up there.

Oh, dear, well, I hope we don't have to burn the whole building down because of the smell.

- (gasps)

- Well, that doesn't really happen.

Oh, yes, it does, Bob.

Once certain smells set into a place, you simply can't get them out.

Maybe a hamster gets lost or Grandma dies on a hot day in August with a plate of potato salad on her lap, say.

Aw And, uh, and rotten eggs?

Well, they're the worst.

Landlords call them "fire starters.

" I-I'll try to remember to give you a heads up before my friend Arson Daly stops by.

Uh, we're gonna find the egg.

Yeah, uh, we're gonna find it.

It's just hidden really well because I hid it.

- I-I probably hid it.

- No.

- I-I did.

- No, me.

So one of you hid it, but neither of you knows where it is?

- We had some schnapps.

- Quite a bit.

Ah.

Why didn't you say so?

I lost the year 1996 to schnapps.

I still don't know what the Macarena is.

D-Don't tell me.

I'll figure it out.

We have to find that egg.

- - Wow, it's really bad.

It's unbelievably bad.

There's so much egg in the air, we could scramble it.

Wait, Lin.

What are you doing?

I read online that if you are trying to remember something, you should try to put yourself back in the environment.

And the environment I was in was schnapps.

(sniffs)

Oh, God.

(gags)

Oh, my God.

Bob, I'm getting something.

Really?

Yeah, I was here in the kitchen.

Uh, yes, we live here.

No, no, I was in the kitchen that night.

Come on, Linda.

Remember.

(sniffs)

These eggs are hidden and Linda is winnin' 'Cause she is the best and Bob is a mess.

(gasps)

Air vent.

I know where it is.

Thanks for coming, Teddy.

We opened the air vent, but we couldn't see it.

Oh, my God, the Sm (gags)

Ugh, Teddy, ugh, hurry.

Must've rolled down the vent.

Hold the ladder, Bob.

- I'm getting in there.

- Okay.

I'm just gonna reach back here and, uh, okay, I can feel something.

Yep, that's definitely an egg.

Oh, thank God.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I just got to get a better grip.

(groans, shouting)

What?

What?

What?

- (screams)

What?!

- (creature snarling)

- There's a monster in the wall!

- Oh, my God.

Aah!

Something's in there, and it's got the egg.

Oh.

Are you guys gonna be open for lunch today, or, uh, what's the story?

Mmm, I'm telling you, that thing had ahold of me good.

What do you think it was?

A bear maybe?

Tiny dinosaur?

I-I would doubt that.

Maybe it was Aunt Gayle.

Yeah, we haven't seen her in a while.

She seems like she could be a wall person.

A Wahlberg so to speak?

Are you guys serving lunch yet?

I know it's a little early, but, uh (laughs)

I gave up beef for Lent and I'm really excited to eat a (sniffs)

Is there a horrible smell in here?

- No.

- Oh, God.

There is up in our house.

Want to come smell it?

- Five bucks.

- Uh, no, thank you.

Oh, crap, crap, crap.

(sniffs)

It's in the restaurant.

We're not even smelling it anymore.

I-It's inside of us.

(groans)

We are the smell now.

We have to close the restaurant.

Close the restaurant?

But it's Beef Boom.

Lin, it's better to lose business for a couple hours than be the place that smells like rotten eggs and lose business forever.

- Is that from the Bible?

- (clattering)

Hey.

Was that a scrabbling?

That was definitely a scrabbling.

It's Aunt Gayle.

She's on the move.

Wait a minute.

That thing's in the crawlspace.

That's why it smells down here.

It's moving the egg around.

Like I did to Mom in the womb.

We got to call animal control.

That'll take forever.

Time is Beef Boom money.

We've got to get that egg out of there.

Listen, I-I-I know the crawlspace.

We know.

You tell us all the time.

I'm gonna go in there, and I'm gonna try and get the egg.

Because you know the crawlspace so well.

- Yes.

- Dad, just one question.

- Do you know the crawlspace?

- Okay, guys, I get it.

Bob, I'm going with you.

I'm worried you don't know the crawlspace as well as you think you do.

Uh, you only have one jumpsuit?

What?

I work for myself.

What, do you think I carry around an extra jumpsuit conveniently in your size?

Is that what you think, Bobby?

- I-I it's fine.

- Huh?

- No.

- Okay, I do.

I was gonna give it to you for your birthday and, uh, surprise you, but it's in the truck.

I'll go get it.

- This is nice.

- Yeah.

What-What does it say on it?

It says, "T.

G.

I.

B.

" Thank God It's Bob.

You get it?

T.

G.

I I switched the "B" for an "F. "

- It's very clever.

- Yeah.

Are you guys in there?

Can you see it?

BOB: Not yet.

We're heading down to the restaurant level now.

Okay, be careful.

We'll meet you down there.

- Dad?

- BOB: Yes, Tina.

If you die in the wall, we'll name the restaurant after you.

BOB: Tina, I'm not gonna die in here.

That's right, Dad.

Stay positive.

Oh, God, it smells really, really bad right here.

We must be getting close.

Let-Let's-Let's climb down.

(creature snarls)

(hisses)

Oh, my God.

What?

What is it, Bob?

- (screams)

- Bob!

(Bob screams, thuds)

Bob, what happened?

BOB: I-I heard something hiss right in front of my face, a-and I got scared, and then I fell.

I-I-I fell-jumped gracefully.

TEDDY: I'm coming to get you, Bobby.

BOB: No, Teddy, stay up there.

- I-It's in between the floors.

- (Teddy thuds)

You jumped down.

TEDDY: Yeah.

I didn't want you to be alone down here, Bobby.

What's going on in there?

BOB: Teddy was right.

There's a horrible thing in here.

So everything's fine?

I'm gonna climb up and try to see what it actually is.

TEDDY: Oh, God.

Oh.

Mm.

BOB: Oh, my God, it's a raccoon.

A raccoon?!

Which one?

Describe it.

Is it Little King Trash Mouth and his husband Gary?

Oh, right, I forgot you guys are crazy raccoon people.

What, just 'cause we watch the raccoons in the alley?

It's fun.

It's like a soap opera.

It's more like an HBO miniseries.

Lots of plot twists, some nudity.

You'd like it.

You just got to catch up.

Is it the king?

BOB: No, it's definitely not a him because it has babies.

Oh, a gay raccoon can't have babies?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess he could adopt or have a surrogate.

Of course he could.

What does it look like?

BOB: It looks like a raccoon.

Bob, coloring, marking, hairdo, anything distinctive.

Okay.

Uh, well, it has three black rings on its tail and its ear kind of has a notch in it.

A gauge?

Has that reached the raccoon community?

(gasps)

It's Big Baby Pudding Snatcher.

I was wondering where she went.

Big Baby Pudding Snatcher.

Of course.

Why do you call her Big Baby Pudding Snatcher?

LINDA: Why do you think, Bob?

Pudding cups, she snatches them.

From who?

LINDA: Me, in the alley.

Why are you eating pudding in the alley?

LINDA: Where else am I gonna eat it, Bob?

The bathroom?

That's gross.

Let me in there.

I'll reason with her, mom to mom.

She's probably just hormonal and not sleeping.

And I'm sure she's worried that her body may never bounce back.

I don't think that's a good idea.

She seems pretty angry.

Uh, not to put us back on topic, but did you happen to see the egg?

BOB: Right.

L-Let me look again.

Uh, hi.

Sorry to bother you.

Uh, congratulations, by the way.

What a beautiful family you have.

I was just looking for an egg, so I see it.

I see the egg.

I'm gonna try and get it.

- (raccoon snarls and hisses)

- (Bob screams)

BOB: Oh, bad idea!

Okay, I think we have a problem.

W-We're-We're not getting that egg.

We're gonna have to burn the building down with Teddy and me inside.

As long as we're together.

GENE: We'll mix your ashes together and make a manly potpourri.

- I miss Dad.

- BOB: I'm right here, Tina.

I know, but it's not the same.

BOB: Listen, I need you to find out how to lure raccoons out of a wall so I can grab the egg.

Somebody, get the laptop.

Look up "raccoon, babies, wall.

" Are you sure we want that in our search history?

There's such a thing as search history?

Uh-oh.

Uh, I'll-I'll get it.

I'll get the computer.

I'll be, uh I might be a minute.

He looks at a lot of exotic candy online.

Okay, I think I've got something.

This site says you can sometimes drive raccoons out by using what they call "mild harassment.

" Keep talking.

Um, they suggest loud music and flashing lights.

Mm, that doesn't work to get me out of the tub.

(singing along with radio): Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus Oh, oh, oh, Amadeus Come and rock me, Amadeus Rock me, Amadeus Are they leaving, Dad?

BOB: No.

Can we try another station?

TEDDY: No, no, no.

It's good.

After this one we can change it.

Are you flashing the light?

I'm flashing it.

I'm-I'm shaking it.

It's not working.

Is there anything else we can try?

It's not the end of the world, Dad.

This site says they will move on their own.

BOB: What?

That's great.

Once the babies are nine weeks old.

How old are they, Dad?

BOB: I-I don't know, Tina.

They're small babies.

Okay, great.

So in one to eight weeks, this'll all be over.

Ugh, so the only option is to go grab the egg, and get my face scratched off by a rabid raccoon?

LOUISE: We'll get you a better face.

TINA: You'll finally make sense with Mom.

She's not rabid, Bob.

She's a mom.

She's looking out for her kids.

It's not her fault.

You're right, Lin.

It's your fault!

What?!

My fault?

Yes!

You put an egg in a vent!

LINDA: You're just mad 'cause that's my egg in there, and I won and you know it.

(laughs)

No, this isn't a win.

You don't get to win when you cheated.

Guys, don't you see?

This is tearing us apart.

Bob, you're ruining the egg hunt.

No, you are!

Stop!

You both ruined it!

The egg hunt isn't fun for us!

It's all about your stupid competition.

We don't like it!

Louise, I never.

And Tina and Gene feel the same way.

Okay, she's right, we do.

- What?

- You don't like the egg hunt?

It's not that we don't like it, it's just that we hate it.

You hate it?

Um, are we supposed to like it?

I mean, are Easter egg hunts for kids?

We thought they were for grown-ups.

Well, then why do you kids do it then if you hate it so much?

Because it seems like it makes you happy, and even though it makes us unhappy, we do it and we hate it.

Aw, that's sweet.

Well, I do it for the candy.

Okay, 75% candy, 25% you guys.

I would never eat candy that was 25% you guys.

BOB: Maybe you definitely have a point.

We might have gotten carried away with our egg competition.

I mean, I'm stuck in a wall with a raccoon, and Mr.

Fischoeder is gonna burn down our apartment.

So, no more Easter egg hunt?

That's a little extreme.

Maybe we could just cut back a little, you know?

Yeah, just hide, like, three eggs.

BOB: Uh, guys, I'm really glad we worked this all out, but I'm still in a wall with an angry raccoon and a very disgusting egg.

TEDDY: And me, your best friend.

Right, right, right, the egg and Big Baby Pudding Snatcher.

(gasps)

That's it.

- What?

- Pudding.

Teddy, I got the boards up like you said!

TEDDY: Great job, Linda!

I knew you'd be good at it.

You've got floorboard hands.

Thank you!

Okay, everybody.

Open your pudding cups.

And drop!

Pudding in the hole!

- (raccoon chittering)

- (gasps)

I hear her, she's coming.

Dad, now!

We did it!

We're free!

We're free!

Oh, God, this egg.

Ugh!

(coughs)

The smell.

Give it to me.

I'll take it to the ocean.

Out of the way.

Rotten egg.

(shouts)

Where's Teddy going?

To throw the egg in the ocean.

It's the circle of life.

I can still smell it.

Dad, you're gonna have to burn that jumpsuit.

Hey, we should burn all of Dad's clothes.

Ooh!

Fun fashion bonfire, yes, baby.

- No.

- Yeah, and in your face, Bob, I won.

("Street Life" plays)

Because there's no place I can go Street life It's the only life I know Street life And there's a thousand cards to play Street life Until you play your life away Street life Ba-da-bop-Ba-da-Ba-da-bop Oh, street life Ba-da-Ba!

Street life Street life.