09x21 - P.T.A It Ain't So

[bunniefuu]

All bow to Gene-eesi, Toilet King of the House Belcher.

First of his name, Pincher of Loafs.

- Gene, please get off.
- Oh, boo.

Wow, this is a lot of toilet paper.

- Did we maybe get too much?
- No matter how much we order,

- we always seem to run out.
- Yeah, it's almost like people are just flushing this stuff down the toilet.

Teddy, how's it going with the dishwasher?

- Not great, Bob!
- He's fine.

Well, you guys are gonna have to finish unpacking this without me, 'cause I got to get to my PTA meeting.

Got some great ideas. I think Joanne is gonna love 'em!

- Who's Joanne?
- The PTA president.

And the person I want to be when I grow up.

I thought you wanted to be Janet Jackson when you grow up.

We both do.

Last month, one of the other parents came up with an after-school tutoring program.

She called it "Real Punks Don't Flunk."

Joanne took her out to breakfast to talk it over, and the next thing you know, all the punks are getting A's.

Ugh. If I could just go to one breakfast with Joanne.

Can you imagine?

Let me try. Oh, yeah, that's nice.

Eh, too bad it's all about to go down the tubes

'cause of Colleen Caviello.

She's running for treasurer because Ray Mendoza bought a houseboat, and he's gonna boat-school his kids.

Aw! I really don't want Colleen on the board.

She's gonna take all the fun out of fun-raising.

You know it's "fund-raising," right, Lin? Not "fun-raising."

(forced chuckling): Yeah... everybody knows that.

Anyway, I'll see you later, crocodiles.

(Teddy grunting angrily)

Don't use the dishwasher yet, Bob.

Still fixing it.

Counterpoint. You fixed it.

I'm gonna run to the hardware store.

Ugh. How long is it gonna take?

We really need that dishwasher to be working.

We wash dishes here? I've just been putting them outside.

- What?
- It's right down the street.

Kim & Son's Hardware? Family business?

They give me the "contractor's discount."

Huh. I usually just go to Fix-It Depot.

Fix-It Depot? That's fine...

If you want to crush the little guy.

I am not crushing anyone, Teddy.

They just have everything there.

Like vices you can use to crush the heart of a family business?

Teddy, you know we're a family business.

Are you? Then why don't you act like a family business

- for once in your life!
- Yeah!

Hey, why don't you come with me?

We'll be back in, like, ten minutes.

Kids, you want to take a little break and go to the hardware store with Teddy?

He seems like he's... doing well.

Sure. Kids love hardware stores.

Can we go to the laundromat, too?

Yay. Errands.

♪ ♪

All in favor?

All opposed?

Looks like cookies b*at out brownies as the snack at our next meeting!

Congrats, Beth. We know how passionate you are about those cookies.

Look at Joanne go.

I know. She's amazing.

Okay. As you all read in my e-mail, we have a fund-raiser coming up for seventh grade science kits!

Spirit fingers!

Aw. I love spirit fingers.

It's like typing a quiet message that says, "Yay!"

Now, we don't have a theme yet, so I hope you all came with some fun ideas.

Oh! Ooh! Ooh!

Linda. Yeah, let's hear it, girl.

Um, my idea for the theme is "Surfin' PTA."

- Ooh!
- Get a surf deejay.

Someone could dress up like a shark

- and serve Shark-donnay.
- Stop it.

And we could even cover the floor with sand.

You know, 'cause sand's at the beach.

- JOANNE: Yeah!
- Can I say something?

(with clenched teeth): I wasn't finished, Colleen.

Uh, anyway, spirit fingers. Okay, I'm done.

For those of you who don't know me, hi, I'm Colleen Caviello.

I'm running for PTA treasurer.
And I just want to say, I don't think that Linda has thought through how expensive

- her idea would be.
- Huh!

All that stuff she wants would put us at... $ a head,

- people... that's...
- A hundred fifty...

- $ , .
- $ , .

So maybe let's keep brainstorming, I don't know.

Hey, you know what, I got a spirit finger for you, Colleen.

Okay, that's not how we use spirit fingers.

Let's circle back to the fund-raiser in our next meeting.

Moving along on the agenda, let's talk about... replacing the dead shrubbery in front of the school.

Or maybe just painting it green.

Ooh. There's Danny.

He's the owner's son. (chuckles)

- Hi, Danny!
- Hey, Todd.

That's Danny. He calls me Todd sometimes.

Dad, can we go explore, away from this slightly sad conversation?

- Fine.
- It's hammer time!

Hey, Mr. Kim! This is my friend Bob.

- Bob, Mr. Kim.
- Uh, hello. Hi.

Bob's never been to a hardware store before.

- First time.
- I-I actually, I have been...

- I have...
- (Teddy laughs)

He doesn't know what any of this stuff is.

I-I know what it all is, Teddy.

Anyway, we're looking for an inlet valve

- for a dishwasher.
- That's, uh, aisle one.

Great. I'll go get it.

It's a nice place you have here.

All the aisles.

Uh, what happened? Did your, uh, did your bird fly away?

(chuckles awkwardly)

(groans)

- Oh, no.
- Hey.

He looked upset. What'd you say?

Teddy, please don't tell me his bird just flew away.

- His bird just flew away.
- Are you serious?

I just made a joke about his bird flying away.

That's not a good joke, Bob. Mr. Kim loved that parrot.

Oh, my God, I feel horrible.

Dad, can we get this? It makes underwater fart sounds.

- Gene.
- (imitates underwater farting)

See?

- You okay, Dad?
- Uh, I think I just broke an old man's heart.

- Is the old man you?
- No. Another old man, Tina.

Way to go, Bob!

(sighs) Well, let's just go home, I guess.

Wait. What about the pipe?

You can get it, but this counts for everyone's birthday.

- Yes!
- That's fair.

We own this now!

(Linda muttering angrily)

Hi, Lin. Uh, is everything okay?

Oh, everything's fine.

Colleen Caviello was as Colleen as ever.

In fact, they should call her Colleen Cavi-hell-no.

- (phone rings)
- Pretty cool name, to be honest.

Bob's Burgers. We're a restaurant.

- Tina.
- Yeah, she's here.

- Mom, it's for you. It's Joanne.
- Really?

Bob, how do I look? Do I look okay?

-You look, uh, great.
-Shush, shush, shush. I'm on the phone.

Hel... Hello?

Hi, Linda. I hope I'm not catching you at a bad time.

No, I-I was just, uh, organizing... uh, my, uh, stool... samples.

- Hmm.
- Uh, and... I'm done.

Well, I was calling to let you know that

-I loved all your fun ideas today.
-You did?

Why don't you and I have breakfast tomorrow and talk?

(gasps) Breakfast?

Uh, yeah, I'm free. Free as a tree!

Great! Let's say : a.m. at the Muffin Top?

Yeah, I'll see you then.

PTA, get ready for Me-T-A!

Thanks for having breakfast with me, Linda.

Of course! Ah, I've been wanting to get more involved.

-Oh, and I love your PTA pendant!
-Oh, thank you.

You can't spell "pendant" without PTA!

- (laughs)
- Right?

You're so fun, Linda.

- I was telling Bear about you.
- Who's Bear?

Oh, that's my husband, Barry.

I call him Bear, and he calls me Jo-Jo.

Aw. I call my husband Bob-itty Bob-itty Bob-itty.

In my head. Whenever he walks by.

Anyway, I was telling him that we need to find better ways to use you in the PTA.

Have you ever considered joining the board?

I mean, I'd love to, but with Colleen running to be the new treasurer, I'd rather just sit this one out.

(groans) Colleen.

I mean, she is the only person running, and yeah, she has an accounting background, but that's not everything.

I think someone like you would be a better fit.

Me? No...

Yeah! Who needs numbers?

You're the expert in fun-bers.

Well, I feel flattered, plus happy divided by gassy.

Ah, why'd I get the bran muffin?

But me? Treasurer? I dunno.

- Here, let me get this.
- Oh, no, no, Linda.

This is paid for by the official PTA credit card.

Oh, wow.

Thank you, Joanne.

You know, for the rest of the day, I'm going around to local businesses collecting items for the auction.

You're welcome to join me.

I'm in. Ah, let me call my husband and let him know he's gotta flip his own meat today.

Okay, I get it.

You like Joanne more than us.

It's fine. Uh, bye.

- Ready, Gene?
- Of course I'm ready.

This is the most important moment of my life.

Okay. Pouring the ketchup now.

Ah...

Give it about... an hour.

- Hi, Teddy.
- Hi, Bob.

Just got back from the hardware store.

Did you send Mr. Kim flowers?

Yeah, I did.

- Why would you do that?
- Wait, w-what do you mean?

You sent a bouquet of Birds of Paradise to a guy who just lost his bird?

Is that some kind of sick prank?

That's what they sent? I just told them to pick out the most expensive flowers from their cheap section.

Guess what? 'Cause of your bird flowers I lost my contractor's discount.

I just paid full price for this sandpaper.

Thanks a lot, Bob. You owe me $ . .

What are you gonna do now, Dad?

Uh... nothing. I'm gonna do nothing.

So, what? That's it?
We're just never going back to Kim and Son's Hardware ever again?

There are aisles and aisles of pipes that we will never play with because of you.

You can fix this, Dad.

Do you wanna spend the rest of your life knowing that sweet old Mr. Kim thinks you're a monster?

- Not really.
- I didn't think you were a monster until I saw you eating yogurt that one time.

It's time for "Operation: Make Mr. Kim Not Hate Bob."

-Who's in?
- I am. - Me, too.

(sighs) All right, fine.

-Yay!
-Yes. -Nice.

But let's please, just not do anything to make him more upset.

Dad, do we look like people who make bad decisions?

The ketchup is arriving! (gulping)

WINE SHOP MANAGER: Hey, Joanne.

I have the basket for your fundraiser ready to go.

Oh. Four bottles?

Is that what we agreed on?

Well, at first we said two, but then you talked me up to four, remember?

(sighs) Here's the thing, I wouldn't ask for these bottles if this was about me.

But this is about the children.

This is about science.

This is about those three special letters that make the world a better place.

- S-E-X?
- No, Linda. PTA.

- Oh, right.
- So...

Give what you can.

Dammit, Joanne and other lady.

I'll-I'll give you eight bottles.

- Oh, great.
- And I'll throw in this magnet that says "Wine Time." For the kids.

♪ Can we get some wine, have a hella fine time ♪

♪ Can we get some more stuff? ♪

♪ I can never get enough ♪

♪ I'm with the PTA ♪

♪ Let me show you the way ♪

♪ You know you wanna ♪

♪ You know you should ♪

♪ You want to donate ♪

♪ It feels so good ♪

- ♪ I'm with the PTA ♪
- ♪ Give it up, give it up ♪

♪ So who's gonna pay? ♪
♪ Give it up, give it up ♪

♪ I'm with the PTA ♪
♪
Give it up, give it up ♪

♪ Everybody donate ♪

♪ I'm with the PTA ♪

♪ Give it up, give it up ♪

♪ So who's gonna pay? ♪

♪ Give it up, give it up ♪

♪ I'm with the PTA. ♪

Okay, Dad, we finished the flyer to find Mr. Kim's bird.

I-I-It's good. My only question is, why did you draw the bird with a top hat?

Because he's a bird.

And talk to me about the roller skates, and the fart cloud?

It propels him forward.

Okay, you've never made a flyer, have you, Dad?

Huh. Let's take another cr*ck at this.

We need something less... like this.

Bigger fart cloud. Got it.

JOANNE: So... big night tonight.

First, I'm happy to report that Linda and I scored a ton of auction items.

- Spirit fingers.
- All right.

Now that we have all this fun stuff, let's decide what the darn theme is.

We have three top contenders...

- Surfin' PTA,
- Mm.

Under The Big Top, and Garfield versus Snoopy.

I, for one, will be voting for Linda's amazing Surfin' PTA idea.

All in favor of Surfin' PTA, raise your hands.

Well, I guess there's no reason to hold a votefor the other two. We have a winner!

(gasps) Let's go surfin', baby!

Hold on. As future treasurer, I have to put my foot down.

We can't afford this.

Actually, that brings us to our next vote, PTA treasurer.

Okay, let's get this over with.

We have two candidates on the ballot.

Two? I'm "unopposed."

All of a sudden I'm "opposed"?

- Who's the opposer?
- Linda Belcher.

- Linda? What?
- Wait. What? I am?

Linda told me over breakfast the other day that she'd like to be more involved.

That's... true.

Everyone voting for Linda Belcher, raise your hand.

She's got my vote.

Okay. Now everyone voting for Colleen Caviello, raise your hand.

It looks like Linda Belcher is our new PTA treasurer.

You just voted like really dumb people, and that's all I'm saying.

And you're gonna regret this for the rest of your lives.

That's all I'm saying!

Linda, you're on the board.

- You're in the big show.
- Oh, my God, I'm on the board.

Thank you, Beth. Wait, don't-don't eat those.

Joanne, hey. Hi.

- Hey, there, new treasurer.
- Aw.

I just wanted to say thanks for supporting me.

You're gonna be great.

Hey, are those the bottles of wine that were donated for the auction?

You need me to help you bring those in?

Oh. No. I'm taking those home.

Those are... really... old.

Are those gift cards and candles for the auction, too?

Oh, yeah. They got dirt on them.

And also, that candle smells bad.

Hey, do you want a bottle of wine?

And a bad-smelling candle?

- Here you go.
- Oh.

- You're on the board, now.
- Oh, uh, uh, no.

- We're gonna make a great team.
- Uh... uh...

Bye!

Oh, boy.

Mmm. What smells like rosemary mint melon?

N-Nothing. Bye! (panting)

Ah, you know, I'm so glad you were able to come by the restaurant today to work on PTA stuff, Joanne.

Me, too. I know you've only been treasurer for one day, but I think you might be the best treasurer in the history of the school, maybe even the country.

Thank you, Joanne.

- Also, did you lose weight?
- In a day? Maybe.

Anyway, I thought maybe you'd like to sign this contract.

Contract? Sure.

Oh, wait, I don't have a pen.

- Oh, just use your blood.
- Huh?

(laughs evilly)

- Oh, your face!
- (laughs)

Oh, my face!

(gasps) Bob, wake up.
I need to talk to you.

(mumbling) Huh? Wha... What? What's going on?

Bob, I don't feel good about Joanne taking that donation wine.

And then giving me the wine, which I didn't drink, by the way.

Was I not supposed to drink that?

I gotta talk to her tomorrow.

I gotta let her know how I feel.

Yeah. I-I know what you mean.

It's like this whole bird thing with Mr. Kim and...

- (snoring)
- Oh.

LINDA: So, Joanne, uh, listen, the reason I wanted to talk to you is that I...

Oh, before I forget, I have a little surprise for you, Linda.

It's your very own PTA pendant.

(gasps) It's gorgeous.

So shiny.

What was it that you wanted to talk to me about, Linda?

Well, I just wanted to say

I'm not so sure PTA members should be taking donated stuff for themselves.

So, uh...

Anyway... muffins.

You are absolutely right.

I am so glad you understand.

It-It's just, you know, I put a lot of time into the PTA.

I mean, it's almost a full-time job, except that it's not, because I don't get paid.

And sometimes, I guess in a moment of weakness, I might, you know, order a muffin on the PTA credit card.

I guess I-I feel like I deserve it.

- (crying)
- Aw.

Oh, don't cry, Joanne.

I'm sorry I said anything.

Hey, one muffin ain't nuffin'.

But it is, Linda. One muffin is suffin'.

Do you think I'm a bad person, Lin-Lin?

No. No, Jo-Jo.

Are you kidding me?

(exhales) Should we split it, or...

I mean, we don't want to use this, right?

You know what? Let's put it on the PTA card.

- We earned it.
- If you say so. (laughs)

By the way, here are the invoices for everything.

I need my new treasurer to approve all the purchases and enter them into the spreadsheets.

- You think you could do that?
- Yeah, sure.

I'll, uh, start spreading the sheets.

Uh, hey. I'm the guy who called about the missing bird on the flyer.

Uh, right. Great. Is it, uh, in that box?

Yeah, well, well, hold on.

Is this a reward situation or what?

- I don't know.
- Name your price.

- Gene.
- $ , .

Gene, stop. Uh, what's your price?

- $ , ?
- No.

- $ , .
- Stop.

- Do I hear ?
- (sighs)

Look, I'll-I'll give you ten bucks.

And we'll throw in this formerly fun but now super nasty pipe.

It comes with one hot dog that's already stuck inside.

Eh, all right. I'll-I'll take it.

Really? Uh, okay.

So, let's see the bird.

This isn't a parrot. This is a pigeon.

No, it's not. It's, uh, it's just scared,

- so it's acting like a pigeon.
- I do that sometimes.

No. You know what, I-I'm not paying for this.

Are you accusing me of catching a pigeon and trying to sell it for ten bucks?

- Yes.
- Well, I'm leaving.

And I'm taking the bird with me. And this pipe.

That's fine.

LINDA: Huh.

These science kits cost $ each?

Let me see how much these things cost on the website.

Science Wow Products.

Oh, Joanne's buying them retail.

That's why they're so expensive.

Why would she do that?

"Science Wow is a division of Jo-Jo Bear Publishing."

Wait a minute. Jo-Jo Bear...

I call him Bear, and he calls me Jo-Jo.

Oh, my goodness! Joanne and her husband own the company that makes the science kits.

(gasps) This is bad.
This is Jo-Jo Beary bad.

So, this is what it looks like when someone listens to one of Mom's ideas.

So many dad sandals.

So many milky white ankles.

There she is. The Big Little Liar herself.

Lin, are you sure you still want to do this?

I don't want to do this, Bob. I have to.

I tried calling her, but she never picked up.

Then I called the National PTA hotline, and the only options were press one for car washes and press two for bake sales.
So now we're down to this.

The Bleach Boys, everybody.

- The Bleach Boys.
- (applause)

Oh, I get it. 'Cause they're janitors.

- (laughs)
- We have CD’s I can burn from my computer at home. E-mail me.

Before we get to the auction, some thank yous.

There is one person in particular.

Ladies and gentlemen, our new PTA treasurer, Linda Belcher.

I know her. Linda, hi!

And now on to the auction.

Actually, uh, Joanne, if I may just say a few words?

Oh. Um, okay.

I just wanted to say the reason I got more involved with the PTA was because I was so inspired by Joanne.

Aw. Thank you, Linda.

It's my pleasure, Jo-Jo. Fun fact, everyone...

Joanne's husband calls her Jo-Jo, and she calls him Bear.

This is a really good speech.

(laughs) That's true.

- Uh, okay. I... Can I...
- Okay. Give it back.

- Just... Release.
- I got it. (grunts)

Okay. Well, let's get on with the auction, shall we?

-And they even have a company called Jo-Jo Bear. -Okay.

Spirit fingers. Spirit fingers.

And what's even more interesting is that their company makes the very expensive science kits that we're raising funds for tonight.

Isn't that a coincidence?

Linda, what are you doing?

Yeah, yeah. She bought all the science kits from her own company at a crazy high price.

That's not true. And even if it was, all the invoices were entered and approved by the treasurer,

- which is you.
- Right.

Which I now see is what you wanted because you didn't think I knew what I was doing.

And yes, for a little while, I was entering commas instead of decimals and lowercase Ls instead of 's because they look the same, but then I figured it out.

And then I got someone to check my work.

(gasps) Colleen?

Hello, Joanne.

Wait. Why is she in the shark costume?

Linda thought it would be more dramatic.

She was right.

This is ridiculous.
You have nothing on me.

Oh, we have plenty on you, Joanne.

Linda called me last night.

- And you hung up on me.
- I did.

But then you left that weird message, and I called you back.

It wasn't weird. It was fine.

Well, everyone in my house listened to it, and we all thought it was very weird.

Anyway, came over to my house...

- Her slightly tacky house.
- How dare you?

Oh, give me a break.

And she showed me all the spreadsheets.

I spent all night auditing every PTA expense over the last two years, and it looks like someone's been skimming off the top.

Okay, sure. I might take an occasional bottle of wine or an eyebrow threading gift certificate.

I mean, not that I need it. I just wanted to try it.

But let's be honest, who's gonna plan an event like this?

You, Colleen? You, Linda?

You, Beth?

Do you have any idea how many e-mails I send a week?

No, you don't. Because no one reads them.

No one even clicks on them!

I will not be questioned by people eating crab cakes that I ordered on napkins I folded.

I'm not in the PTA.

I am the PTA!

Did she say that there were crab cakes here?

All right, it's auction time!

Our first item is a basket of smelly soaps.

No takers? No one?

It's over, Joanne.

- No! No!
- Give me the microphone.

- No! I can't do it! Oh!
- Give it! Give it now. Give it!

- (panting)
- All those in favor of replacing Joanne as PTA president, raise your hand.

Fine. I'll leave.

Good luck cleaning up all this sand.

Raise your hand if you're sticking around after

to clean up sand.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

I'm gonna miss her.

One, two, three, four!

(vocalizing)

LOUISE: This is gonna be great.

There's nothing a free bird can't fix.

That is what the song "Free Bird" is about.

- Bob, what are you doing here?
- Hey, Teddy.

We're bringing Mr. Kim a bird as a sorry gift.

I'm also bringing him a bird.

- What?
- I want to get my discount back.

W-Well, I'm gonna give him

- my bird first.
- Not if I b*at you to it.

-No, no, no, no, no. No pushing, Teddy.
-(grunting)

- Oh!
- (bird squawks)

Is that... Did he already get a new bird?

- Looks like it.
- You!

- Leave the birds. Let's go.
- We got you birds!

- Now you have three birds.
- You're welcome.

We love your store.

- ♪ Hoo ♪
- ♪ La, la, la ♪

- ♪ Hah ♪
- ♪ La, la, la ♪

- ♪ Hoo ♪
- ♪ La, la, la ♪

-♪ Hah ♪
-♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, whoo ♪

- ♪ Hoo ♪
- ♪ La, la, la ♪

- ♪ Hah ♪
- ♪ La, la, la ♪

- ♪ Hoo ♪
- ♪ La, la, la ♪

-♪ Hah ♪
-♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Hah. ♪

(Branca vocalizing)