08x12 - The Hurt Soccer

[bunniefuu]

Hey, what would happen if we put ketchup in the mustard bottles?

Oh, man.

I don't even want to think about it.

Ah!

Dad!

They're showing a commercial for the marathon!

ANNOUNCER: Starting at 11:00 a. m. , it's an all-out, body-slammin', thank you ma'am-in' ten straight hours of Supreme Extreme Champions!

- Ten hours is almost not enough.

- All of your favorite obstacles and the ultimate challenge, - the Stampede!

- LOUISE AND BOB: The Stampede!

BOB AND LOUISE: Do the steamroller!

Do the steamroller!

Yes!

I mean, if you're gonna get through the Stampede, - you got to steamroll.

- Obviously.

That spandex doesn't leave much to the imagination, huh?

- (phone rings)

- No, there's still a little bit to imagine.

Bob's Burgers.

This isn't Bob.

Hi, this is Walter Rubens from the Gold Dragons.

The Gold Dragons?

What is that, a g*ng?

No, it's-it's your daughter Louise's soccer team.

Louise has a soccer team?

Oh, God, we signed Louise up for soccer.

You what?!

Hey, look, an e-mail from Harley's dad.

He's asking if Louise would want to join Harley's soccer team.

Think she would?

I've met Louise, so probably not.

Louise, do you want to sign up for soccer?!

LOUISE (sarcastically): Yes!

Please sign me up for soccer!

- Oh!

- She's being sarcastic.

Are you being sarcastic?!

- (sarcastically): No!

- Aw, yeah, you're right.

Well, wait, now I'm not so sure.

Louise, do you want to sign up for soccer?!

(sarcastically): Uh-huh!

I guess she wants to do it.

Should we double-triple-check?

No, I-I don't want to yell anymore.

I was being sarcastic.

I'm sorry!

It was I We got a-an e-mail, and I Oh!

Oh, I didn't realize you got an e-mail!

I completely forgot it happened at all!

It was during wine time!

Guys, guys, shush, shush, shush.

We really need Louise to play this morning.

Suzy's on vacation and Michaela's sick - and Jamie's gerbil d*ed.

- Aw!

It was his time.

Anyway, if Louise doesn't come, we won't have enough players and we'll have to forfeit.

- Oh!

- And since it's the last game of the season and Louise hasn't come to a single one, this is literally the least you can do.

Last game?

She missed the whole season?

- Yes.

- Okay.

You know what, Walter, she'll be there.

(gasps)

Louise, come on.

Let's get changed.

- Uh-uh, uh-uh.

- Oh, God.

Okay, she went limp.

Come on, we got a rag doll.

- Let's go.

Come on, come on.

- No Come on!

o!

That was not easy.

I know this seems horrible, Louise, but you did sign up.

Sort of.

No, you signed me up, and now you're bowing to grown-up peer pressure!

What's next, taking fish oil?

Paying taxes?

Plus, you might not hate every single second of it?

Yeah, but what about the Supreme Extreme Champions marathon?

Without that, what's the point of anything?

We could DVR it.

If we had one.

Should we just push a bunch of buttons on the remote?

That's how I saw 9 1/2 Weeks.

You'll still get to see some of the marathon when you're back, Louise.

A-And, besides, lots of parents make their kids play sports.

And for a reason.

- I think.

Right, Lin?

- P-Probably!

Who can say?

Very convincing.

Come on, Louise, you're going.

All right, I'll go.

Who's driving me to this sucker game?

- Your mother will take you.

- Your dad is gonna take you.

I don't want to go.

- I don't want to go either, Bob.

- Thumb w*r?

BOTH: One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb w*r.

- Damn it.

- Yes!

So glad I married a man with dainty thumbs.

They're beautiful, but they're useless.

Well, Louise, I guess let's go to your soccer game.

How about I come along?

"Great idea, Tina.

Looks like Tina's coming.

Yay!" And I'll stay here, 'cause it sounds like where you're going is outside.

BOB: Wow, crowded.

Yeah, like "maybe we won't be able to find a parking spot" crowded?

Oh, right.

If we can't find a spot, we'd have to go home.

That's not our fault.

- No.

Not at all.

- Oh, there's one.

- Ah, wonderful.

- Thanks, Tina.

TEDDY: So, where's Bob today, Lin?

Doctor's appointment?

Grocery store?

(gasps)

Did you kick him to the curb?

Anything you need, Linda.

I'm here, I'm not leaving.

You say the word, I move my stuff in here.

Teddy, no.

Teddy, Teddy, Teddy!

Bob took Louise to her soccer game, and Tina went, too, that's all.

Oh, good.

What a great dad.

While they're gone, I'm flying solo with my Gene-o.

Taking a jamma with my mamma.

(gasps)

"Jamma with my mamma"?

Oh, my God.

Gene, is today the day we do the - What?

- The piano bar.

(gasps)

The piano bar!

We said we would do it if your dad ever left us alone again.

- What are you guys talking about?

- Gene and Linda's Piano Bar Show Tunes and Mouth Foods.

It's been our dream forever.

BOTH: Give my regards To old Broadway And say that I'll be there e'er long.

I'll go get my keyboard.

Oh, and get all my dresses and wigs.

But what'll you wear?

Um, hi.

Is this the Gold Dragons?

My daughter is, uh, one of them.

Yes.

You must be Bob.

I'm Walter.

Here's your jersey.

It's been in my car for nine weeks.

It's listened to a lot of NPR.

LOUISE: N-P-U.

Do you have cleats and shin guards?

Uh, we don't have any of those things.

Of course not.

(sighs)

I guess, uh, books are sort of shin-guardy.

If you want, you can borrow my Grishams.

Oh, good.

I don't feel like an orphan who stumbled onto the field at all.

- Why is that guy looking at me so much?

- Brag.

- So, you coaching today?

- Oh, I forgot to tell you, - you're coaching today.

- Me?

Oh-oh, no.

No, definitely not.

Suzy's dad is normally the coach, but Suzy's on vacation, so he's on vacation, too.

Classic Suzy's dad.

And you kind of owe it to us for being M. I. A.

- the whole season.

- W-W-Wait, sorry.

I can't coach.

Can anyone else do it?

Maybe someone who's been here or knows anything about soccer?

- Like you?

- No.

I set up the goals.

Plus Ow.

Ow, ow!

My hand.

Uh, Bob, hold the clipboard.

- Bob's coaching.

- What?!

Oh, I see you got the clipboard.

- Congrats, Coach.

- Oh, come on.

I don't know how to coach.

Dad (echoing Bob)

you might not hate every single second of it.

Evil child.

All right.

- How bad can it be?

- Coach, will you fix my ponytail?

Uh, I don't know how to Coach, something went wrong with my cleats.

- Can you fix them?

- Coach, I can't be goalie.

I can't touch the ball with my hands.

- Oh, my God.

- Coach, should I live - with my mom or my dad?

- Help!

Yeah, a little help over here look at him.

You're doing great, Dad.

Why is this happening?

There isn't even anything written on this clipboard.

Hey, Coach, um, aren't you gonna get us to stretch and do drills and stuff?

Right, uh, why don't you guys, um, kick the ball back and forth.

Wow, you sure you haven't done this before?

Dad, I'd like to apply for the position of assistant coach.

You probably have a lot of offers, but Great, you're hired.

Here's a clipboard - with nothing on it.

- Yes.

- Doesn't matter.

Leave it.

- Roger that.

BOB: Oof.

They look good.

This is gonna be bad.

Whoa.

I kinda want their autographs.

Hey, there, I'm Christy, coach of the Blue Dragons.

- Ow, my hand hurts.

- I know.

Uh, wait, the-the Blue Dragons?

We're the Gold Dragons.

Are all the teams just different colored dragons?

Yep.

Or thunders.

Different colored thunders.

There's a Brown Thunder, which is unfortunate.

- Yeah.

- Look, I just wanted to wish you good luck.

This is all gonna be over soon enough.

(laughs)

W-Wait, what?

What does that mean?

You know, I am glad you're here, Louise.

I wondered why you never came to practices or games, and I always wanted to ask you at school, but honestly I'm scared of you, and I did not.

But isn't this just the best, though?

(groans)

Yup.

Love soccer.

ALL: Till we meet again.

- (door opens, bells jingle)

- Ms.

Merkin, hello.

What are you doing out in the wild?

Hello, Gene.

I was just going for a walk.

Needed to blow off some steam.

I saw your sign.

I'll go into any joint that says "piano" on it.

Gene, you want to introduce us to your lady friend?

This is Ms.

Merkin, the music teacher from school.

We call her Twerkin' Merkin.

Oh, I didn't recognize you without a piano covering your legs.

- MERKIN: Where's your piano?

- Right here.

Ugh, that little jingleberry?

You making fart sounds, or are you really playing it?

- (plays chord and fart)

- Both.

Not bad.

Shove over.

(plays jazz riff)

(plays fart)

- Wow.

- Yeah!

Whoa, look at you.

Is there a Mr.

Merkin?

(whistle blowing)

BOB: Oh, the game's starting.

Louise, go that way.

Other girl, go that way.

Guys, you're all standing in a clump right next to each other.

It's so different from what the other team is doing.

- (whistle blows)

- MAN: Come on, play the ball!

- Oh, my God, they scored right away.

- Little slow, Kayla.

Little slow?

That was so fast.

Did we start?

That's all right, girls.

Keep hustling!

And have fun out there.

Coach, uh, one thought.

Maybe we should have someone in goal.

I don't know, just sayin'.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Good idea, Tina.

Hey, someone get in goal.

No, just one!

ALL: By the beautiful sea What should I play next?

Ooh, how 'bout that show that's coming to the community theater TSA: The Musical?

- Oh, I love the soundtrack.

- Me, too.

TSA's the best musical about a government agency ever written!

- I-I don't know that one.

- Really?

"Female Pat Down"?

"Whose Bag Is This"?

"If You See Something, Sing Something"?

All right!

"Female Pat Down.

" Let me see if I can remember.

(muttering)

Wow, you're remembering the crap out of that song.

ALL: It takes a lady To touch a lady But it takes a woman to touch my heart KAYLA (panting): 2-0.

- You guys want a Benadryl?

- What?

Why?

'Cause it seems like you're all allergic to the ball.

Oh, okay.

You're, like, a super cool sports girl doing trash talk good job.

I got more where that came from, - Pink Ears Book Legs.

- (whistle blows)

(grunting)

- Oh, no.

Oh, no.

- You can do it, Mara.

No, no, no, no.

Aah!

Oh, good try, Mara with your face.

MARA: Is it still on?

Yeah, I mean, don't, don't look at it for a while.

- But it - MARA: Ow You've probably always had that soccer ball pattern on your forehead.

Parents make their kids do this for a reason Parents make their kids do this for a reason Is it 'cause they hate their children?

Parents make their kids do this for a reason.

ALL: And that's whose bag it is.

Oh, okay, how 'bout we do something from a different musical?

Aw, why not keep playing this one?

Everyone loves it.

- Well, I don't love it, okay?!

- (piano clangs)

I don't love it!

- Whoa.

- Why don't you love it, - Ms. Merkin?

- I don't want to talk about it.

Well, if she doesn't want to talk about it All right, I'll tell you!

I've been playing piano for the community theater's production of TSA.

- (gasps)

What?!

- What?!

But then the damn lead actress said I was missing cues and playing off-tempo.

So I quit, and I'm never going back.

No, Ms.

Merkin, we're never going back.

Well, it's my Jo I don't Who is Who is he?

7-0.

Close game.

What's your next move, big man?

(whistle blows)

End of the first quarter.

Okay, so talk to me about these quarters.

How many more we got?

One, zero - Three.

- No - Yeah.

- Not what I was hoping for.

I know.

Only three more goals before your team gets shutouted.

Sorry, I don't speak "mean jock girl.

" What are you saying?

If the score gets to 10-0, the game is automatically over, which is automatically embarrassing for you.

Wait, like the game would be over over?

Like I could go home?

Yeah, back to the bookstore that your legs live in.

That's amazing.

I mean, oh, no.

Definitely don't want that to happen.

Mm-Kay.

That would be very disappointing.

Thank you.

(quietly): Hey, you hear about this shutout rule thing?

Yeah.

Three more goals, and we're on our way back to Supreme Extreme Champions town.

- That's my favorite town.

- I know.

So I guess we just keep doing what we're doing?

You got it, Coach.

Let's just be a little discreet about this?

Me be discreet You be discreet.

- BOB: Yes!

- LOUISE: Yes!

I-I mean, that's all right.

That's all right.

Yeah, we-we'll get 'em.

We-We'll get 'em.

Oh no!

She stole the ball from me!

Why?!

It's hard to explain, Louise.

Why does anyone steal the ball from anyone?

Yeah, I just don't want to lose, you know?

- And go home so soon.

- Hey, Coach.

Really sorry this game might be over so quickly.

It's just hard to get my girls to ease up.

(chuckles)

It's like telling a shark not to eat the saddest school of fish.

- That's your team.

- Right.

'Cause if you look at them, they look really sad.

- Right, right, right, yeah.

- And we're so strong.

Yeah, I know.

I got the analogy.

Is there a problem here?

Hey, lady coach, why don't you go dribble something, huh?

I'm walking away because I want to.

Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart.

I can't believe you quit TSA: The Musical.

What are you gonna do now, just teach music to kids?

Yuck.

Well, they won't have Matilda Merkin to kick around anymore.

And their dumb CD player won't complain if they treat it like crap.

I hope it skips.

(gasps)

They're doing the show to a recording?

That's Off-Broadway blasphemy.

Yep.

And they're gonna burn in hell for it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to improvise a sad song.

(humming)

Um, piano bar manager meeting, Gene?

Did I just get promoted to manager?

I'm not ready.

We got to get Ms.

Merkin back in that show.

Guys, I don't want to crash your manager meeting, but I was wondering if I could just shadow Gene, maybe?

Sit in?

- Sure, sure.

- But, Mom, if we don't get her back in the show, she can live here with us forever.

Piano bar every day and all night, I'm assuming.

Great managing, Gene.

For the good of musicals everywhere, we got to make this right.

(groans)

Fine.

Uh, excuse me for a second.

Just gonna take the phone into the kitchen, here, now.

Hey, while you're back there, any chance I could get a burger?

Oh, yeah, we make food.

Okay, got that out of my system.

Now, who likes Oklahoma!?

- (cheering)

- Ooh, ooh, me!

(grunts, panting)

- Out of my way.

- You got it, K-dog.

Good hustle!

Just have fun out there!

Oh, God, not again.

(shouts)

Yes.

I mean (groaning): Oh, darn!

That's 9-0.

Stage is set for a comeback.

- MAN: Good hustle!

- Just have fun out there!

I feel like they just keep saying the same thing over and over again.

TINA: Hey, sideline, switch it up.

Yeah, you, mom jeans.

Shutouted coach says what?

- What?

- (laughing)

: Yeah.

Hey, Coach Christy, out of curiosity, which one's your car?

I'll be right back.

Dad, can I borrow your keys?

- Tina, no.

- (grunting)

Tina, let go.

What are you doing here?

Some lady called the theater while we were rehearsing and said you wanted to come back, so we came because we want you back.

- It was me, I'm the lady.

- Yeah, you are.

What?

I never said that.

Matilda, we can't do the show without you.

We thought putting the wig on the CD player would make it better, but it just made it worse.

I'm not coming back unless Sheila apologizes.

And I don't see her here, so - Oh, I'm here.

- (gasping)

But I'm not apologizing.

Oh, my God, I love the theater.

- (whistle blows)

- Is the game over?

No, it's just halftime.

So, how long is halftime?

If everyone's feeling good, can we just skip it, or You're running for the Porta Potties.

All right, talk to you when you get out.

Well, better start packing it in, huh, ladies?

I hate getting shutouted.

Me, too.

I want to play the rest of the game.

What?

We're getting k*lled.

- You want to keep going?

- Well, yeah, it's still fun.

I mean, I don't like when the ball comes to me, but that's so rare.

Even you, Jodi?

I mean, you look terrified out there.

Mm, I like it.

Some people go on roller coasters, I sign up for soccer every year.

It makes me feel alive.

I just wish we didn't get shutouted every game.

W-Wait, you guys get shutouted every game?

Yeah.

I don't even think they had the rule until this season.

They invented it just for us.

- Halfway through our first game.

- Yeah.

The other name for getting shutouted is getting Gold Dragon-ed.

Which my dad says is also something you used to be able to do in the Philippines when he was in the Navy, but I don't know what that means.

It just would've been nice to score one goal before the season's over.

Yeah, it would've been, Harley.

Uh, Dad, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't want to get shutouted.

Really?

What about Supreme Extreme Champions?

And the fact that we both hate this?

Yeah, well, the other girls want to keep playing, and I guess it makes me kind of sort of want to finish the game, too.

Those brave little idiots.

They are brave.

And extremely bad at soccer.

So how do we not get shutouted?

- I have no idea.

- (whistle blows)

Second half starts in one minute.

No paper in there, by the way.

Anymore.

Thirty seconds coaches.

- All right, Gold, uh, huddle up.

- What do you got, Coach?

Oh, well, I-I feel like, uh, a lot of the time, when a team is behind, the-the coach is supposed to give a big speech about leaving it all on the court.

I mean, the-the grass court.

- What-what is this called?

- "Field," Coach.

Really?

"Field"?

- What are we, farmers?

- I think it's "field," Coach.

Right, right, field.

Yeah, sorry.

Just sounded weird.

- Anyway - (whistle blows)

Oh, wait!

Louise, Mara, uh, come back.

I-I just had a-a coachy thought.

- Little late, huh?

- Shh.

Mara, you're ready to get out of the goal, right?

Yeah.

Great, how about this: Mara's forward, Louise, you be goalie.

And here's the thing, try and stop the ball when it goes come go toward you, in the goal.

Oh, God, Dad, no.

It's just, I've seen you use your hands at the restaurant, and goalies use their hands, and you're good with your hands, so you can do it.

Yeah, you slap stuff and people.

I do slap stuff and people.

Okay, so let's do my plan.

(sighing): Okay, Coach.

Coach, I backed you up on that, but maybe in the future, run stuff by me first, before you say it out loud?

Okay, Louise, now the ball probably won't come to you right away, but it could in this quarter, so (whistle blows)

- Oh, no!

- Oh, no.

Oh, yeah!

(gasps)

The steamroller.

Louise, - I have another coachy thought!

- Just shout it out!

Or you can discuss it with your assistant first.

Louise, the steamroller!

Oh, from the show!

Yes!

It'll cut off her angle!

It's our only hope!

(shouts)

(distorted): What the ?

(grunts)

Ah, ha, ha!

I've got it!

(cheering)

- Yeah!

-Yeah!

Did Kayla not score?

Kayla, don't wipe that dirt off your face!

You keep that on to remind you of what you did!

What what do I do now?

It, uh throw it somewhere?

- Kick it!

Drop-kick that son of a bitch!

-(grunts)

Wow, that hurt my foot.

Where were you?

I play halfback.

I was halfway back.

Girls, don't throw grass like that.

You throw it like this!

Hey!

(scoffs)

- Stop throwing grass.

- You stop it.

You guys, get it together.

Uh, Gold Dragons?

- The ball?

- The ball?

Yeah!

You-you can, uh you know.

(whistles)

(gasps)

Kick it?

Mm-hmm.

(grunts)

(indistinct chatter)

Guys, that's kind of distracting.

(whistle blows)

Goal.

-(cheering)

- You did it!

- Hell yeah!

Hell yeah, Walter!

We didn't get shutouted!

(laughing): Yeah!

Great job, girls!

I'm coaching!

I'm actually coaching!

Harley, I will fix your ponytail!

Mara, let me take a whack at those shoelaces!

Sami, you should live with whichever parent makes you feel safe!

CHRISTY: Not bad, Coach.

That one moment when you were good at it.

It was a couple of really good moments, technically.

Yeah!

Oh, uh, forget about that shoelace.

You're-you're gonna have to cut those off.

You got it, Coach.

(whoops)

(Cuban accent): Fly, Pelican Brief, fly!

- (whistle blows)

- Oh, right.

We have to keep playing.

You're a musical midget.

You're a doddering old diva.

This is the best day of my life.

I know, but I'm worried someone's gonna get k*lled.

These are very sharp criticisms.

Oh, okay, okay, wait, wait, hold on a second.

This is Gene and Linda's Piano Bar: Show Tunes and Mouth Foods.

And we like a little drama, but we can't let two veterans of the stage fight longer than you have already been fighting.

Ms.

Merkin, did Sheila ever have a good show?

Sure.

Thousands.

Literally.

She's older than dirt.

-(grumbles)

- And, Sheila, did Ms.

Merkin ever impress you with her impressive playing?

Mm, eh, Matilda's been good since before she could button her own bloomers.

Wait, how long have you two known each other?

Forever.

We're sisters.

-(gasps)

What?

- What?

- Ooh, hot.

Oh, my God, you have to make up.

You're a showbiz family, like the Smuckers Brothers or the Twisted Sisters.

Oh, Sheila, I'm sorry if I was late on a couple cues.

Maybe I was jealous that you were in the spotlight again.

Oh, Matilda, I'm lost without you backing me up.

I sing like an old barn cat when you're not there.

Hey, how about another number from the show?

"If You See Something, Sing Something"?

- You know my key.

- G-ish?

If your bags were out of your possession at any time It could be bad, it could be fine - Mom?

- Yeah?

Weren't you making Teddy a burger?

Is it possible it's still on the grill, and it's on fire?

- Oh, my God, Teddy's burger!

- Oh, God, oh, God.

BOB: Honestly, leaving you two alone, I thought it would be way worse.

No, it's not a fire fire.

They're just putting out the smoke.

BOB: Uh-huh.

Did you guys have fun?

- Oh, it was the best.

- I'm a manager now.

And I'm a manager in training.

Eh - What?

- Nothing.

How was the game?

Great.

We lost 21 to one.

Oh, that's good, honey.

- Is that good?

- I don't know sports or math.

They gave their gosh darn all out there, and we're gonna do it again next season.

- Oh, yeah, maybe not.

- Oh, no.

But I can still assistant coach again, right?

Every damn day, Tina.

I frickin' love you, man.

Aw, you guys were having so much fun, you don't even care that you're missing the Supreme marathon.

- Oh, my God!

- (gasps)

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

No, the fire department says we're not supposed to go upstairs Oh, they're gone.

If your bags were out of your possession at any time It could be bad, it could be fine Don't leave it up to the canine unit Security is fun and we're all doin' it If you see something, sing something Partner up and swing something Let your voices ring if you see a-something strange I see something suspicious GENE: Uh-oh.

Oh, you know I wish I didn't But it's better if I sing it So everyone will know it's a thing Like a shady guy, a weird suitcase, something