04x03 - Keep Calm and Party On

[bunniefuu]

VERONICA: Previously on Veronica Mars

KEITH: It's getting worse.

I'm repeating things.

- See if that helps.

- Razadyne?

- KEITH: A rat caused that?

- HU: I've called exterminators.

No nests, no rat droppings their traps catch no rats.

MEDICAL EXAMINER: Did you get to see your fiancée's family?

Maybe you can tell me why her engagement ring wasn't in with her personal effects.

TAYLER: Where's the ring, Maloof?

[ALL GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

I just accepted a job as Congressman Maloof's security detail.

PENN: I'm saying Congressman Maloof did m*rder his brother's fiancée.

MATTY: I need to talk to the guy who stocked the snack machine at the Sea Sprite.

- You!

Mole man!

- What did you call me?

LIAM: Grab that little bitch!

- Come on!

- [TIRES SCREECH]

Come on!

VERONICA: Back away from the car, would ya?

[PANTING]

VERONICA: After Logan joined the Navy, he rarely slept past 5:00 a. m. , so when he was home, neither did I.

Even before the Sea Sprite blew up, Neptune was experiencing a crime wave of sorts.

Spring break was always sketchy, but this was worse.

- [GASPS]

- Give me your wallet and phone, bitch.

You don't have to say "bitch".

You can be a scary PCHer and respect women.

How did you know that I Ow!

- [THUD]

- That's better.

How did you know that I was a PCHer?

Your voice told me "teenager".

Your stranglin' hand is encased in a motorcycle glove.

PCHers are a young motorcycle g*ng.

It's pretty easy math.

Give me your wallet and phone.

Okay.

Some guys like small talk.

Full disclosure: it's mostly laundry quarters.

[LAUGHS]

Don't judge.

Also I'm sorry.

- [TASER CRACKLES]

- [MUGGER CRIES OUT]

[MUGGER GROANING]

- For the 'Gram.

- [CAMERA CLICKS]

Stay down there.

Lotta wallets here.

Think I'm missing one, though.

- Give me your wallet, kid.

- Eat a d*ck!

Okay.

But I like 'em well done.

- [TASER CRACKLING]

- Uh Go on.

Get!

This is my alone time.

VERONICA: Young Juan Diego de la Cruz had four wallets and five phones in his loot bag.

Drunk spring breakers make for easy targets.

But it was the six crisp hundred dollar bills I found in Juan's personal wallet that inspired a conspiracy theory that was going to change my life.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGER: A long time ago We used to be friends But I haven't thought of you lately at all Bring it on, bring it on, yeah Just remember me when We used to be friends A long time ago We used to be friends A long time ago We used to be friends Hey INFOMERCIAL NARRATOR: Like a hot Kn*fe through butter, watch the WonderBlade's microserrated ceramic edge cut this tomato wafer-thin!

Amazing!

Use it on fruit I should get that for my mom.

- Does she cook?

- I cook.

- [JOINTS CRACKING]

- But her knives are sh*t.

Our machetes are sh*t.

I tweaked my back on that Pagursky kid.

I betcha the hospital knows where that congressman's stayin'.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

- [ALONZO GRUNTS]

[INFOMERCIAL CONTINUES]

It's your new girlfriend, not the ghost of King Pagursky.

You need to stop with this Bible sh*t.

Hola, bomboncita.

CLAUDIA: You know, I make these special just for you.

- You do, huh?

- CLAUDIA: Mm-hmm.

I got my own little cauldron at home.

[LAUGHS]

I test it on my own hair first.

Make sure it's right.

ALONZO: Let's see what I got in store.

INFOMERCIAL NARRATOR: but this deal won't last!

Call in the next five minutes PENN: Ohh.

Gum?

Mole man?

You're barkin' up the wrong tree.

It was the Maloofs, I guarantee it.

They tried to pay Tawny off, and when it didn't work, they they blew her up.

[ENTRY BELL JINGLES]

If the Maloofs did it, why'd they hire private detectives?

So that people like you would ask questions like that.

He's a politician.

He's trying to form his narrative.

Then why did Mars Investigations take the job?

Money.

But But they're not looking at it with fresh eyes.

I mean, how can they after Lilly Kane?

I have what the Buddhists call a "beginner's mind".

- What's Lilly Kane?

- You've nev never heard of the Lilly Kane m*rder?

[LAUGHING]

Matty Ross, get the 'net!

Just get there, please.

Fifteen years ago, Veronica Mars's best friend, Lilly Kane, was brutally m*rder*d.

Keith was the sheriff at the time.

He bungled the whole thing.

The good people of Neptune ran him out of town on a rail.

Penn.

You have, um, fans here to see you.

Make them buy something or it counts as your break.

You don't work here.

Allez.

CORY: Oww oww!

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

- Hoo-hoo-hoo!

- [PENN LAUGHING]

CORY: Pizza guy!

Yes!

Sorry to interrupt your flow, man, we just wanted to shake your hand.

I can't believe you took down Maloof.

So cool.

Pure LSC.

Pur "LSC"?

Long-swingin' cock!

CORY: You are radiating that sh*t, man.

Well, that's very kind.

[CHUCKLES]

Will you sign my pizza box?

Oh Hey.

When in Cho's CORY: You gotta be stoked that that Cairo co*n will never run for Senate.

I couldn't deal with another Hussein in D. C.

- [ENTRY BELL JINGLES]

- DAVIDS: Hi.

Mr. Eppner.

Tim Davids, KPVK, San Diego.

Got a minute?

Yes!

Okay, so what's the angle here?

'Cause I like facts, pure and simple, with just a little a pinch of the small-town hero.

- So if that works for you - [DAVIDS TALKS INAUDIBLY]

Okay, yeah, I'll just, uh, I'll just feel it out as we go along.

Enhh!

I wanted Daniel Maloof to run for Senate, I was a fan!

But Is there any channel this guy's not on?

I know that he tried to pay off his brother's fiancée to walk away from the engagement.

And when she didn't take that bait, I mean, that's what sealed her doom, right there [QUIETLY]

One box of Samoas, please.

- [ALEX SHOUTING]

- DANIEL: Alex.

- Sounds bad.

- DANIEL: Hey.

Um, everybody out but them.

[DANIEL BREATHING HEAVILY]

- Please.

- [DOOR OPENS]

- Y-You're not leaving, are you?

- I was gonna stand in the hallway.

Oh.

Okay, yeah.

That's fine.

- You-You smoke?

- Nope.

I quit two years ago, my dad d*ed of lung cancer.

But, Jesus Christ, do I need one.

So I shoulda told you we tried to pay off Tawny.

I know.

Would have been helpful.

We know now.

It doesn't affect how we'll proceed.

This, uh email might.

It came this morning.

It's why I asked you to come down here.

"Re-enter the Senate race.

The next time we won't miss.

" Someone's claiming credit for the bombing?

KEITH: And ordering you to run for higher office?

That's new.

The same emailer's been blackmailing me for the past year.

Whoever it is has a compromising video of me.

Holy sh*t.

Your a*t*matic weapons vote.

And your minimum wage vote.

You're voting how they tell you.

I can't do it anymore.

It's why I'm quitting politics.

But I'm afraid this b*mb is their way to try to keep me in the game.

It's why I hired you.

Because if the b*mb was because of me, I wanted to be the first to know, before the police, so I can have some control over the What's on the video?

Is it illegal?

No, it's just, uh, humiliating.

We've been doin' this for a while.

It's pretty hard to surprise us.

Did you saddleback some coeds?

Imax and climax at the multiplex?

KEITH [WHISPERS] : Oh, my God.

Um I, uh masturbated, okay?

They hacked into my computer, and now they have a video.

You changed your minimum wage vote over that?

Veronica.

It's with a cam girl.

A cam girl.

So what?

It's not even in p*ssy-grabbing range.

You know, who even cares anymore?

I thought that's what we're all learning: nothing matters.

I have a wife.

Children.

When the blackmailer posts that video online, everyone will see it.

My teenager daughter.

Someday my son.

I'm supposed to be the the Middle Eastern Barack Obama.

Symbol for my people.

You sure it's not a scam?

Did you see the video?

Yeah.

They sent a sample.

It's why I decided to serve out my term and leave politics.

I think I might have someone who can track down your blackmailer.

Uh [CRUMPLES PAPER]

No one has a cigarette?

NEWSCASTER: reporting from Cho's Pizza in Neptune, Tim Davids.

Now over to Rebecca Porter at the Neptune Grand.

PORTER: As you can see, the Neptune Grand is teeming with reporters, all hoping to catch a glimpse of Congressman Maloof.

But he has yet to emerge from his suite since Mr. Eppner's allegations surfaced.

- [ALONZO, CLAUDIO CHATTERING]

- DAVIDS: Thank you, Rebecca.

Hey, Romeo.

What?

Either God or fate has delivered.

Put your shoes on.

Let's go k*ll a congressman.

So, this trusted friend of yours that can trace the email back to its origins is that who I think it is?

Likely to highly likely.

But, you know, the blackmailer's probably not the bomber.

- KEITH: I agree.

- I mean, how would the blackmailer know that Alex was at the motel?

How would they get the b*mb there?

KEITH: And Jillian was called down to the office at the last minute.

- Hmm.

- KEITH: Does seem unlikely, but let's let's dot our i's.

- Hmm.

- [PHONE CHIMES]

Hey-oh!

"Rat spotted at Hu'$".

You wanna hang out, watch some discount grocery store surveillance cam footage with me?

- Hmm?

- Ooh.

Tempting, but, um, no, you know, I don't wanna step on your toes.

You're the lead on the rat case.

Far be it from me to jump in at the last moment and grab the glory.

KEITH: You don't know what you're missin'!

Pretty sure I do.

Chief Langdon.

Two h*jacked liquor trucks last night.

- What's the story?

- Collin and Jamie are on it.

How many muggings now?

It's spring break, Mark.

PCHers on their motorcycles rippin' through crowds on the boardwalk.

Sexual assaults.

There's still that missing Pagursky kid.

We have been a little busy trying to catch a bomber!

Yeah, bring in the FBI, then.

Pardon me.

Chief?

Congressman's here.

He's waiting in interrogation.

I'll take it under advisement, Mayor.

Okay.

[MARCIA CLEARS THROAT]

DANIEL: One cigarette.

They sell them across the street.

Einstein said you cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for death.

No, wait.

That was w*r.

Short answer: I'm not getting you cigarettes.

Uh, I'm sorry.

Who are you?

How much time do you have?

'Cause I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

DANIEL: This is Logan Echolls.

He's part of my security detail.

Well, he can guard you from outside, in the hallway.

You don't get a plus-one in here.

[PHONES RINGING, OFFICE CHATTER]

[CAMERA CLICKS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[KEYS JINGLE]

[MUFFLED PARTY CHATTER]

I have a favor to ask you.

I know.

- How's that?

- Egg whites.

Skinless chicken breast cutlets.

You're cookin' for me.

Well, maybe I need help from someone with top secret government clearance in finding the person who is blackmailing Daniel Maloof through anonymous, encrypted emails.

And I really don't have the resources, with Mac in Istanbul.

Not Constantinople?

- [CHUCKLES]

- [FOOD SIZZLING]

Might take some time, but I'll look into it.

[MUFFLED PARTY SOUNDS]

The Air-BNBers have been cranking this up every night.

- [STOMPS ON FLOOR]

- No more sh*t music!

You know, the Maloofs don't know I speak Arabic, so I'm privy to their conversations that they think I don't understand.

What are they saying?

Well, it sounds like the idea to pay off Tawny came from the mom, Amalia.

Daniel was unaware it was happening.

Amalia has no idea why Daniel is leaving politics, nor do I.

Sounds like you might.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- [PONY WHIMPERS]

- Oh.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

- VERONICA: Sorry.

- That's okay.

Dogs love me.

They can intuit my strong moral center.

And, plus, I usually smell like pepperoni.

[CHUCKLES]

I'd ask you to elaborate on those feelings, but they'll be on The View later, right?

Oh, okay.

Look, did you tell me everything you knew about the case?

Twelve-inch cheese.

I shoulda known this was a setup.

Why do you think it's Maloof?

Well, follow the money, Mars.

And speaking of money, this is $11. 34.

Is the Tawny bribe all you have?

Because if so, that is some thin crust, my friend.

- Okay, if you must know - LOGAN: Oh, she must.

If you must know, I'm waiting on forensic results from a piece of shrapnel that I think may prove to be the proverbial nail in Maloof's coffin.

And I'm guessing this proverbial nail is just a literal nail?

I'm unveiling the results at the next Murderheads hive-mind meeting.

Come if you're curious.

Deets are on the web.

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

This is for you.

LOGAN: My mission, should I choose to accept it, from the official king of spring break.

"9-1-1.

Can you bring me pants?

P. S.

This is d*ck.

" Why does d*ck needs pants?

LOGAN: Why does he need to tell me this is d*ck?

I assume any text that starts with "bring me pants" is from d*ck.

Quacks is only nine blocks away.

You feel like bein' a hero?

The owner did tell me she would gather the security footage from the night before the Sea Sprite bombing.

- [PARTY SOUNDS INTENSIFY]

- [MOCK SOBS]

- [WHIMPERS]

- It'll stop soon.

I'll get the pants.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

- That's fake d*ck.

- That's the worst kind.

[MICROPHONE FEEDS BACK]

- [SPEAKS RUSSIAN]

- That's real d*ck.

- d*ck: Czar Casablancas - I take that back.

d*ck: quackin' atcha tonight!

Yeah!

Quack!

- CROWD: Yeah!

- Quack-quack-quack-quack!

Now, due to some new city ordinances, tonight's dance competition will proceed without any sexualized content whatsoever.

- [CROWD BOOING]

- Just hear us out, okay?

What we're lookin' for is something tasteful.

Something classy.

Something, I don't know, like this.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

SINGER: Jet set sex sessions Dance party, sexy bodies

[CROWD CHEERING]

Don't they know the sh*t they started?

Whoooo!

- I still don't get why he needs -

[CROWD CHEERING]

Spoke too soon.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES, MUFFLED]

Ah, look who's here.

Bet you want the security footage, don't you?

- I do.

- NICOLE: Mm-hmm.

You don't have a drink.

That will not do.

[BOTTLES CLINKING]

Going to the opera later?

Yeah, those make a guest appearance in the video.

Wow.

Weighted and ridged for his displeasure.

[LAUGHS]

All right.

Here you go.

- Thank you.

- Cheers.

- [DOOR OPENS]

- d*ck: Hey, hey!

Ahoy, ladies!

Wait, aren't you supposed to be judging a dance contest right now?

Oh, no, you gotta give it at least 45 minutes.

That way the kids can buy a sh*t-ton of drinks.

Oh.

Sometimes I really like you.

I would marry you right now.

I can get a ring.

Hey, Logan.

Ring.

Got one?

- Ow!

[LAUGHS]

- Well, pace yourself.

Let's see how well you represent the Quacks - at the volleyball tournament this weekend.

- That is fair.

Ah, that reminds me.

You are playing volleyball with me this weekend, so, uh, try to get in shape, huh?

Pyoo pyoo!

Ohh-ho-ho!

God!

NICOLE: Okay.

Who's up for some E?

Me?

Yeah.

I mean, I've been rollin' for 72 hours.

Yes.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[WHOOSHING]

Ha ha ha!

Yo!

Ohhhh!

Hey, play No Scrubs!

[RECORD SCRATCHES]

[ALL SINGING ALONG]

I don't want no scrub A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride Tryin' to holla at me Care to join me in my study?

- VERONICA: [RETCHING, COUGHING]

- That tracks.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

Ohh.

- Ooh.

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING]

- VERONICA: [SIGHS]

Hmm.

- [KNOCKING]

[GAGS]

Ohh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Puffy face, liquor seeping from the pores, hints of B. O. , and am I am I detecting rancid vomit?

- Ohh.

- Why are you here?

I found our rat guy.

Uniform is from Dobie's Sweet Release, that bakery on the edge of town that hires only ex-cons.

I was gonna see if you wanted to come with, maybe buy you a croissant.

Ohh.

Was thinking I'd Postmate a sh*t-ton of pain du francais and watch the Comrade Quacks security footage.

I picked it up last night.

[GRUNTS]

SPRING BREAKER: What's up, V-card?

VERONICA: Hey, Jackson!

[CHUCKLES]

That's Jackson.

We danced last night.

He's cool.

Yeah.

Jackson's the best.

Anything good on there?

Helpful?

No.

Entertaining?

Yeah.

Check this out.

ONLOOKERS: Whoa!

- Ooh.

- VERONICA: Right?

Pow!

Right in the kisser.

Wow!

What a right hook!

What does What does she have on her hand?

A sap glove.

And remember that.

Sap.

Glove.

Because that's what I want for Christmas.

The knuckles are filled with BBs.

It's too late.

I picked out a really cute puke bucket for ya, spared no expense.

It's got our family crest on it, a calligrapher is adding the family motto.

Ohh.

"We used to be disgusted, now we try to be amused"?

Ohh!

I'm gonna be the envy of everyone at the vomitorium.

So nothing useful on the Comrade Quacks surveillance video, huh?

No.

But I did find Jimmy Hatfield on a registered sex offender list.

So I'll look into that.

Um, did you slay the rat king?

I did.

I located him, he confessed.

Said he was releasing the rats because Hu'$ Reduced sold him a bad steak.

That seems like a bit of an overreaction, don't you think?

- I do.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hello?

MATTY: Hi.

- Oh - Uh, Dad, this is Matty.

I recognize her from the Sea Sprite.

I'm Keith Mars.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Truly.

Thanks.

So I, uh I read up on you guys.

My physics teacher vouches for you, and Penn thinks you're legit.

- The pizza guy?

- Phew.

- We'll sleep easy tonight.

- MATTY: Well, he, uh, he dabbles in solving cold cases.

Yeah, he told us.

Once or twice.

He's flaky, though.

He's convinced JonBenét Ramsey was k*lled by an owl, so here I am.

You told me Alpha-Jolly was a criminal hangout, right?

It sure is.

I think a guy there may have planted the b*mb at the Sea Sprite.

Matty, please.

Sit.

Alpha-Jolly handles our vending machines, but the week of the bombing, some guy we didn't know came.

There was just something really off about him.

Matty, do you mind my asking you, did your dad have any enemies that you knew about?

Well, I'm guessing whoever was sh1tting in our ice machines - every few days wasn't a fan.

- Probably a solid assumption.

The guy from Alpha-Jolly think you'd still recognize him?

Most definitely.

He had this mole.

Do you get bored easily?

No.

Perfect.

[SIGHS]

When your friend was m*rder*d were you angry?

I'm still angry.

Good.

My dad was all I had.

Here.

You'll recognize Mole Man.

You, uh, just focus here, and, um, just press this button.

So how how do I take a selfie?

[LAUGHS]

It's too easy.

My God!

That That's him!

[CLICKING]

[SOFT CHUCKLE]

- You got him?

- Yep.

Nice.

Okay, here's how we get extra credit.

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

[CAMERA CLICKING]

[GRUNTS]

I'm gonna send these to my dad.

Make him do the legwork.

So, you got some fun plans tonight?

Whatever the opposite of fun plans is that's what I have.

- SALLY: Yeah?

- Hi, Ms.

Mais?

There's been an accident involving your Nissan, license plate 4-V-A, G-zero-zero, with a male driver who has no ID.

We were hoping you could help identify him.

SALLY: That's funny, because my car is parked right outside.

I tell you what, try to pull some scam on me again, and I'll hunt you down and sh**t you dead.

I work at the g*n club, mister, and I don't miss.

[DISCONNECTS]

WOMAN: Neptune g*n Club.

Hi, can I please speak with Sally Mais?

WOMAN: No, sorry, she's not here right now.

No?

Well, maybe you can help me.

I work at AMFTPG Financial Services, and I'm trying to verify some charges made at Mo Chub's Gentlemen's Club.

- WOMAN: Ugh.

- KEITH: Now, these don't fit Ms.

Mais' previous spending patterns.

WOMAN: No, I would guess not.

Yeah, um, between you and me, it usually turns out to be a freeloading boyfriend or a son that gets a wild hare WOMAN: That does sound like Perry.

Right, Perry.

I see a charge right here.

Uh, some dental work for Perry Anderson.

WOMAN: No, I'm talking about Perry Walsh.

Her boyfriend?

Yeah, of course.

Perry Anderson is the name of the dentist.

Great.

Thanks so much.

- Bye.

- WOMAN: Bye.

[TAPPING KEYS]

Sweet Jesus.

Keith.

What do you want?

I The guy who was temporarily tending to the vending machines at the Sea Sprite last week?

Perry Walsh.

What about him?

He did a stint in Chino two years ago for sending a package b*mb to his ex-girlfriend.

I personally interviewed everyone on Alpha-Jolly's payroll.

There was no Perry Walsh on it.

Here's a picture of him walking out of Alpha-Jolly five hours ago.

Okay.

Thanks, Keith.

We'll look into it.

Is he gone?

- He's gone.

- Get a SWAT team mobilized now.

You should have everything you need, but if you don't, call me.

Do not answer the door.

- [SPORTS GAME PLAYING ON TV]

- Have fun, Logan.

I'll be fine.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Hmm.

- Veronica Mars and Logan Echolls.

- Wow.

People are gonna lose their minds.

- Do I know you?

- Uh, you should.

I'm in the zeitgeist.

So Uh, could you take your shoes off first?

Thank you.

[SHOES CLATTER]

[DOOR CLOSES]

PENN: All right.

Fellow Murderheads.

As promised, I would like to introduce, um DON [VIA VIDEOCHAT] : Veronica Mars.

And a fun bonus, Logan Echolls, one-time boyfriend of the Notorious D.

L. K. D. L. K. ?

Dead Lilly Kane.

CAROL: Oh, God.

Don!

Don't forget.

Son of the m*rder*r.

Well, so say some.

Welcome.

I'm Don.

I wish I could be there in person, - but Congress is in session - Let me handle the introductions, Don.

Are you guys together?

Or DON [LAUGHING] : Of course they are, Carol.

After what they've been through, they're both too damaged to be with anyone else.

PENN: So, introductions.

Uh, the man right here elbow deep in the cornichons is Herc, he is a forensics expert and also a night watchman at the Rosly Mall.

Why don't you guys grab some seats, okay?

We are here to talk about the bombing at the Sea Sprite.

Also, I was promised forensic evidence.

Okay, well, uh, first off, I think it is pretty damning that the Maloofs have not released a statement.

He hasn't been formally accused.

What about Gabriel Flores?

Why is nobody discussing the fact that his uncle runs one of the most violent drug cartels in Mexico?

He does?

Oscar Diaz-Del Olmo, AKA "El Despiadado".

It means "The Ruthless".

I looked it up.

Anyway, his Instagram is intense, like, lots of lions and g*ns.

This is Carol.

She is a social media expert, and makes a k*ller paella.

- Keep it in your pants, Penny.

- PENNY: Okay, Don!

Uh, she's also a reference librarian at Hearst.

- Oh!

I used to work there.

- I know.

NEWSCASTER: quick look around at the five-day forecast shows that temperatures should be hovering right around the low-to mid-80s during the day, dipping into the mid-60s overnight, with dense fog expected to hang around the early morning hours, but I wouldn't worry about that to much [SIGHS]

I'm gonna go, uh, uh grab some snacks.

I'll be right back.

ALEX: Like I give a sh*t!

NEWSCASTER: and north San Diego County NEWSCASTER 2: Lt.

Davidson held a press conference to talk about her opponents Can we listen to something besides the news?

Come on.

It expands our vocabulary.

Pendejo.

I don't appreciate your ad hominem riposte.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Look.

Let's see where he goes.

[VAN DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Where'd he go?

ALONZO: Must have got in that van.

Follow them.

Where's the ring, raghead?!

- I don't know!

- Liar!

Abu Ghraib!

- [DANIEL GROANS]

- [TYLER LAUGHS]

Ho ho!

In the d*ck!

Right in the d*ck!

Please.

No more.

No more, please.

[DANIEL GROANING]

So, what was so wrong with our sister?

I never met her.

Trick question, assh*le.

The girl was a bitch.

We're glad you blew her to smithereens.

- I didn't.

I didn't.

- TAYLER: Shut up!

We don't care.

Good riddance.

Hey, how's your d*ck?

DANIEL: Uhhh!

How's it now, Congressman?

- [GROANING]

- Do you smell that?

I think he sh*t hisself.

Damn.

I think you're right.

Hey.

What do you think about that ring, about five carats?

Easily a hundred grand.

It's been in my family for generations.

- He shouldn't have - But he did.

So tell me, how's your d*ck?

- [CAR HORN HONKS]

- TYLER: What the - [HONKING]

- TAYLER: Someone's got our van!

SINGER: Sweet sour Sour by the minute but you're sweeter by the hour [SWITCHBLADE CLICKS]

Uhh.

No.

No.

Thank you.

ALONZO: Come on, let's go.

Get you in the back.

[DOORS CLOSE]

HERC: Duncan Kane was covered in blood!

DON [ON VIDEO] : The blow to Lilly Kane's head came at an equal level, which means that it was done by someone the same size, or smaller.

I don't know my eyeline.

Can the Mars girl tell that I'm looking at her?

PENN: Okay.

Everyone.

No more Lilly Kane stuff.

All right?

I'm just gonna fast-forward to tonight's featured agenda point.

The forensic findings on the b*mb shrapnel.

Courtesy of Herc.

Now, according to carbon metal testing, this nail, which was pulled from my back, was manufactured at a plant in Tucson whose employees are mostly - wait for it - [CAMERA CLICKS]

members of the Yakosh Indian tribe.

So?

So, Daniel Maloof was head of the Indian Affairs Council.

You You think that's coincidence?

Because I am not that naive.

[MULTIPLES PHONES CHIME, BUZZ]

CAROL: The Sea Sprite Bomber is dead.

Wait.

What do you mean?

CAROL: Uh, says here, Perry Walsh, a vending machine attendant, planted a b*mb in the snack machine and then blew himself up when the police tried to capture him.

Uh, there was a manifesto in his freezer.

Garden variety misogyny "Sluts must die", that sort of thing.

This This guy's obviously a patsy.

What do you guys think?

I think I'm gonna head out.

Yeah, us too.

[QUIETLY]

I'll bet you it was Alpha-Jolly guy.

Indian Affairs.

Brilliant job, Penn.

- You're such a twat.

- [DOOR CLOSES]

Thank you so much.

[PANTING]

You saved my life.

That was incredibly brave of you.

I didn't have much of a choice.

Oh, there's my partner.

I was just telling your partner thank you.

It was [TALK RADIO PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]

Are we heading out of town?

- [VAN RATTLES]

- [CLANK]

Are you gonna k*ll me?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Afraid so, amigo.

[HYPERVENTILATING]

Just sit tight.

We'll make it quick.

Why?

You may not have meant to, but you k*lled our boss's nephew with that b*mb.

I didn't have anything to do with that b*mb!

[PHONE CHIMES]

Eyes on the road!

Hey.

Claudia invited me to a family barbecue!

It's this woman I met where we're staying.

- NEWSCASTER: California bombing.

- Alonzo, hush.

Turn up the radio.

NEWSCASTER: The alleged Sea Sprite Bomber has been identified as Perry Walsh.

Reports suggest that he was k*lled by one of his own bombs detonated as police surrounded his house.

See?

It wasn't me!

See, it wasn't me!

Please, just English.

Yeah.

Seems like we should still k*ll this assh*le.

- You think?

- You just told him you were seeing a motel housekeeper named Claudia.

- sh*t, I didn't say all - Yeah, he's smart.

He woulda figured it out.

I won't come looking for you, I promise.

Please.

[PANTING]

I've got money.

Uh, uh I paid twenty grand for this watch.

We were gonna take it anyway.

I'll pay you a hundred grand if you let me live.

There's just There's just one thing you have to do for me.

Don't really have a whole lot of leverage, Congressman.

k*ll those two guys back there.

I never want to see them again.

Can you do that for me?

- Where you goin'?

- LOGAN: Work.

Bomber's dead.

News travels slow around here.

Yeah, well, right now I think the congressman's more worried about the Deliverance Twins looking for their dead sister's engagement ring.

Mm.

[BOTH MOAN]

- Hmm - Mmm No sex before tomorrow's volleyball game.

- [AS BURGESS MEREDITH]

Women weaken legs!

- LOGAN: Mmm [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Already got somebody else coming over?

You snooze, you lose.

You work, you jerk.

Come in!

This guy?

Seems weird.

Logan.

You're not gonna stay and watch Neptune PD take their victory lap on the backs of our hard work?

Ohh, I can't.

But that reminds me.

Ya know, you were so proud of being a cable-cutter, and now you're just over here all the time for the live news and the baseball games.

That was my plan all along.

I saw this a couple days ago at the police department.

Why aren't you showing me?

Rude.

It's scatological.

I'll do quality scatological.

Wait.

Is Is that the Sea Sprite?

Veronica, look at this.

VERONICA: Oh, my God.

I told you.

You don't like scatological.

[SIGHS]

No.

This guy mugged me a couple days ago.

- BOTH: What?!

- VERONICA: It's fine.

It's not a big deal.

I stunned him.

Took his wallet and his loot.

I have it around here somewhere.

- Veronica.

- What?

We have a lot going on.

- [GASPS]

We're missing it!

- LOGAN: I gotta run.

We'll discuss later.

Scootch.

and to Mayor Dobbins, for having the utmost faith in me and my department.

We hope this can bring some much-needed closure, and that Neptune can begin to heal.

NEWSMAN: What put you on his trail?

Diligent police work.

At the end of the day, it's all about diligence.

NEWSWOMAN: Any news about King Pagursky's whereabouts?

Were you expecting a "And a special thanks to the fine folks at Mars Investigations for doing our job for us"?

It would be polite.

NEWSMAN: Is it true Perry Walsh served time for something similar?

He was convicted for sending an expl*sive device to a former girlfriend.

He served seven years in Chino for that crime.

NEWSWOMAN: Now that there is no longer a thr*at, do you think Cuss me running.

What?

Chino.

Big d*ck and his hatchet man Clyde, Perry Walsh from Alpha-Jolly, the rat guy you caught up with at Dobie's Sweet Release bakery they're all Chino grads, right?

If my mugger hasn't done time there yet, what do you wanna bet he's working for someone who has?

He had six of the crispest hundred dollar bills I've ever felt - in his wallet.

- That's weird.

What if Big d*ck and Clyde are using their Chino connections to k*ll spring break?

What about Perry Walsh's manifesto?

Planted?

Okay.

I'll look into it.

KEITH: We'll find your ex, Clyde.

Well, I appreciate you reconsidering taking my case.

Well, our bombing case wrapped up quicker than anyone expected.

Yeah, that was crazy, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, you didn't happen to overlap with that Perry Walsh guy when you were in Chino, did ya?

If we did, I never met him.

But I'm not gonna lie, Keith, the quality of human beings doin' time in Chino: subpar.

Allbirds.

Golf buddy of mine swears by those.

Oh, you golf?

Where do you play?

Wherever I can.

Big d*ck recently took me to Vista Ensenada.

- [WHISTLES]

- CLYDE: Yeah.

A little rich for my blood, but it's beautiful.

- KEITH: Yeah.

- You play?

Uh, rarely.

And badly.

I'll call ya when I hear somethin'.

Thanks.

Keith, if you don't mind my askin', what what happened?

Car accident a few years ago.

Years?

And you're still usin' a cane?

I got two words for you, my friend: concierge medicine.

It'll change your life.

I didn't know what I was missin' until I got on the Casablancas plan.

Little out of my price range.

B. D.

's got LeBron's guy on retainer.

The best orthopedic surgeon in SoCal.

I can get ya in there tomorrow.

On the house.

Very kind, but I-I couldn't.

Come on, it'd be a welcome distraction from the laundry list of sh*t I gotta do for B. D.

Every day I show up at the office, this is sittin' on my desk.

BIG d*ck [recording] : Visit Phil Gurney in Spin City.

Offer him two million for his studio and see if he'll sell one of his heated massage tables.

I want to give one to d*ck for his birthday.

- Dear God.

- Right?

That's item 1, and 1A, I guess, of 22 today.

Everything from finding cheaper contractors to finding out what strippers are on the main stage at Cockeye's Cabaret.

I'm tellin' ya, in my next life, I'm goin' to college.

If only to acquire a discerning taste in main stage dancers.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

- There ya go.

CLYDE: Veronica.

Clyde.

Think about what I said, Keith.

Health is everything.

Don't be proud.

I'll think about it.

Thank you.

What was that about?

Research.

I said I'd dig, I did some digging.

So, turns out Wallace is Matty's physics teacher, he says Realtors have been circling, trying to get her to sell the Sea Sprite.

One of them called during her dad's funeral.

Has she heard from d*ck, or Clyde?

Not yet.

No, Veronica.

Big d*ck's certainly an immoral prick, but does he strike you as a mass m*rder*r?

You know Clyde didn't even carry a g*n when he robbed banks?

Once a woman went into labor during one of his robberies, and he dropped her at the hospital during his getaway.

[LAUGHS]

He tell you that during your slumber party?

You and I have a history of tilting at windmills.

And the Chino connection is thin you know it is.

Let's take a win for a win.

I don't want it to look like we're bilking the Maloofs off a hunch.

You don't feel it?

Barely.

It's a whisper.

All right.

Let's take the win.

Are you all right?

I'm so dumb.

I hit my head on the mirror, then drove my toe into the sink last night.

I know.

"Turn on the lights.

" But on a positive note, he hasn't begged for a cigarette all day.

- [LAUGHS]

- KEITH: Thank you.

So So you really think they got the right guy?

Yes.

No.

SINGER: Fairy tales can come true It can happen to you If you're young at heart DOCTOR: Keith Mars?

Hi.

Dr.

Mitchell.

Why don't you come on back?

- Oh, I haven't filled out any forms.

- It's been handled.

We have all your charts from your previous doctors.

We'll go over 'em together.

SINGER: You can go to extremes I'd like you to keep a record of when your memory fails so that we can track it and get more information.

And call me the next time you have an episode.

My email and cell are on the back.

Just any time, day or night.

Would you like earbuds?

SINGER: Or on a swing Don't you know that it [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGER: My girl, yeah, hey!

WEEVIL: Yo, who's cookin'?

HECTOR: One of the new kids.

No.

Paul needs to be on the grill 'cause this tastes like - some peculiar-ass sh*t.

- [LAUGHTER]

- Weevil!

- WEEVIL: Huh?

Your sister wants you to meet someone.

- Bring him over.

- [PARTY CHATTER]

So you're Alonzo.

Glad you could make it.

Heard a lot about you.

Not a lot.

Just Just a normal amount.

Hey, uh, C, why don't you put Paul on the grill for me, huh?

He likes you.

Please?

Thank you.

- You up from Mexico on business?

- Yeah.

Look, your visit doesn't have anything to do with the bombings, does it?

We didn't set off any bombs, man.

I promise you that.

That wasn't the question.

But okay.

Don't break her heart, and we'll be fine.

CLAUDIA: Hey.

- Oh.

- CLAUDIA: Everything good?

Yeah.

Nice guy.

Hidey-ho, Neptune.

'Tis I, your king of spring break, d*ck Casablancas!

- [ALL CHEERING]

- d*ck: Ha ha ha!

Now, who here has already seen Catalina Heat?

- [ALL CHEERING]

- d*ck: All right.

Well, looks like my buddy here brought his six-pack with him.

- [CROWD CHEERING]

- Whoo!

So I brought mine.

All right.

Who's ready to watch us block out with our cocks out?

- Whoo!

- d*ck: Free ball while we free ball?

Stuff these chicks while we well, you get the idea, huh?

But where is the other team?

La-la-la-la-ladies!

Where you at?

Ha ha!

[CROWD CHEERING]

d*ck: Oh my G Ohhh.

Well, this won't be the first time I've said this, but, uh, I'm here for your daughters.

Let's get it on!

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]

- Is that who they're playing?

How old are they?

Is this an even match?

No, it is not.

Come on, boys!

Be the ball!

- [REFEREE BLOWS WHISTLE]

- SINGER: It's where I wanna be It's where I wanna be

- It's where I wanna be

- d*ck: Ohh!

SINGER: It's where I wanna be You know I'm ready

- [expl*si*n]

- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]

VERONICA: I could have assured Alex Maloof that the person responsible for his fiancée's death was k*lled in a b*mb of his own making, that her death was senseless and random.

[SOMBER SINGING]

And we could have taken a win for a win.

But then that next b*mb went off and all I could think was: "Holy sh*t.

I was right. " Why do I always have to be right?

[LOW MUSIC]