South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)
SINGING: There's a bunch of birds in the sky And some deers just went running by Oh, the snow's pure and white On the earth rich and brown Just another Sunday morning In my quiet mountain town The sun is shining And the grass is green Under the three feet of snow I mean This is the day When it's hard to wear a frown All the happy people stop To say hello - Out of my way!
- Even though the temperature's low It's a perfect Sunday morning In my quiet mountain town Well, good morning, Stan.
- Mom, can I have $8 to see a movie?
- A movie?
It'll be the best movie ever.
A foreign film from Canada.
- All right.
But be back for supper.
- Thanks, Mom.
SINGING: Oh, what a picture-perfect child Just like Jesus he's tender and mild He'd wear a smile While he wore a thorny crown What an angel with a heart So sweet and sure And a mind so open and pure Thank God we live In this quiet redneck mountain town STAN: Dude!
Dude, wake up!
STAN: Kenny, come on!
The Terrance and Phillip movie is out.
You wanna come?
Where do you think you're going?
(KENNY MUMBLES)
You have to go to church!
Well, fine.
Go ahead and miss church.
When you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!
KENNY: Okay.
STAN SINGS: You can see your breath Hanging in the air You see homeless people But you just don 't care It's a sea of smiles In which we'd be glad to drown (KENNY MUMBLES)
That's right!
It's Sunday morning In our quiet little White-bread redneck mountain town - Ready, Ike?
Kick the baby!
- Don't kick the baby.
Kick the baby.
Ike, you broke another window!
That's a bad baby.
Bad baby!
We're going to the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Oh, my God!
Kyle, where are you going?
- We're going ice-skating.
- Take your brother.
He's not even my real brother.
He's adopted.
Do as I say!
Okay, I'm sorry.
SINGING: Look at those frail and fragile boys It really gets me down The world is such a rotten place And city life's a complete disgrace That's why I moved to This redneck meshuggenah Quiet mountain town Ike!
Bad baby!
ANNOUNCER ON TV: Brought to you by Snacky Smores...
...the fun of s 'mores in a cookie.
Mom, somebody's at the door!
- Coming, hon.
- I can't see the TV!
It's been six weeks since S*ddam Hussein was k*lled by wild boars...
...and the world is glad to be rid of him.
Eric, it's your little friends.
What are you doing here?
Sweet, dude.
Yes!
SINGING: Off to the movies we shall go Where we learn everything That we know 'Cause the movies teach us What our parents don 't have time to say And this movie's gonna Make our lives complete - 'Cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet - Super sweet.
Thank God we live in the quiet little Redneck Podunk white trash U.
S.A.
Can I have five tickets to Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire?
No.
What do you mean?
Asses of Fire is rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America.
You must be accompanied by a parent or guardian.
- Why?
- This movie has naughty language!
Next, please.
- This can't be happening.
- We have to see it.
Screw it.
It probably isn't good anyway.
Cartman, what do you mean?
You love Terrance and Phillip.
But the animation's all crappy.
Wait.
I've got an idea.
Hi.
I want six tickets to Asses of Fire.
This movie may not be appropriate for the little ones.
He says this movie isn't appropriate for you.
Mr. Homeless Guy, if you don't want $ 10...
...to buy a bottle of vodka, then be my guest.
Six tickets, please.
- Let me have some candy.
- Let's see.
I don't have any Jewish candy.
Like you need all that chocolate, fat boy!
The movie's starting.
Hooray!
Terrance, what did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynecologist?
I don 't know, Phillip.
What?
(FARTS)
Where do they find this stuff?
You're such a pig-fucker, Phillip.
What did he say?
Why'd you call me a pig-fucker?
Well, let's see.
First of all, you f*ck pigs.
Oh, yeah.
TERRANCE: Well, f*ck my ass and call me a bitch.
You sh*t-faced cockmaster.
Wow!
"sh*t-faced cockmaster." You donkey-raping sh*t-eater.
"Donkey-raping sh*t-eater." "Donkey-raping sh*t-eater." - You'd f*ck your uncle!
- You'd f*ck your uncle!
SINGING: Shut your f*cking face Uncle Fucker You're a cocksucking Ass-licking Uncle Fucker Yes, it's true Nobody fucks uncles quite like you Shut your f*cking face Uncle Fucker You're the one that f*cked your uncle Uncle Fucker You don 't eat or mow the lawn You f*ck your uncle all day long (FARTING TO MUSIC)
What's going on here?
(FARTING TO MUSIC)
- What garbage.
- What do you expect?
They're Canadian.
PEOPLE SING: Uncle Fucker Uncle Fucker, Uncle Fucker Uncle Fucker Shut your f*cking face Uncle Fucker You're a boner-biting bastard Uncle Fucker - You're an uncle-fucker I must say - You f*cked your uncle yesterday Uncle Fucker That's U-N-C-L-E f*ck you Uncle Fucker Suck my balls.
- That movie was f*cking sweet!
- You bet your f*cking ass it was!
f*ck, I wanna be just like them.
Wait, where's your guardian?
I knew it!
You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didn't you?
f*ck off, you donkey-raping sh*t-eater.
KYLE SINGS: Shut your f*cking face Uncle Fucker BO YS SING: You're an ass-licking Ball-sucking uncle-fucker Where have you been all day?
Nowhere.
We just went to go see the Terrance and Phillip movie.
CLYDE: How'd you get in?
Stop crowding us, sh*t-faced cockmasters!
Wow!
You're all ass-ramming uncle-f*ckers.
Ooo!
We've got to see this movie.
Terrance and Phillip are Canadian, just like my brother.
STAN SINGS: There's the girl that I like Tell about when Terrance called Phillip a testicle-sh1tting rectal wart.
Now more than ever She gives me butterflies It makes my stomach queasy Every time she walks by assh*le, I'm talking to you.
I know I can be cool If I try Hi, Stan.
Gross!
Wendy, let us try to jump the hilly brush.
Who are you?
Gregory.
I transferred from Yardale, where I had a 4.0 grade point average.
WEND Y: Want to skate with us?
We've been skating all morning, laughing and talking of memories past.
We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Try and catch me, Wendy.
Bye, Stan.
I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Who wants to touch me?
I said, who wants to f*cking touch me?
Ooo!
We gotta see the Terrance and Phillip movie too.
I hate you, Kenny.
SINGING: Shut your f*cking face Uncle Fucker You're a boner-biting bastard Uncle Fucker MR.
GARRISON: Okay, children, let's take our seats.
We have a lot to learn today.
We sure do, Mr. Hat.
Let's start the day with a few new math problems.
What is five times two?
Don't be shy.
Just give it your best sh*t.
- Yes, Clyde.
- 12?
Now let's get an answer from someone who's not a complete ret*rd.
Anyone?
Come on, don't be shy.
I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison.
- Shut up, fat boy!
- Don't call me fat, you f*cking Jew!
- Eric!
Did you just say the F-word?
- "Jew"?
You can't say "f*ck" in school, you f*cking fat ass.
- Kyle!
- Why the f*ck not?
- Eric!
- You said "f*ck" again.
- Stanley!
- f*ck!
What's the big deal?
It doesn't hurt anybody.
f*ck, fuckitty, f*ck.
How would you like to go see the counselor?
How would you like to suck my balls?
What did you say?!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Actually, what I said was...
..."How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?" Holy sh*t, dude.
I'm disappointed in you boys.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
I've called in your mothers...
- You called my mom?
MR.
MACKEY: That's right.
Oh, no, dude!
- Mr.
Mackey, can I ask a question?
- M'kay, what?
What's the big f*cking deal?
I want to know where you heard these horrific obscenities, m'kay?
- Nowhere.
- We heard them from Mr.
Garrison before.
I seriously doubt that Mr.
Garrison ever said...
..."Eat penguin sh*t, you ass-spelunker." Sweet.
Uh-oh!
Thank you for coming on short notice.
This isn't like you, Stanley.
What did my son say, Mr.
Mackey?
Did he say the S-word?
No, it was worse than that.
The F-word?
Here's a short list of the things they've been saying.
- Oh, dear God.
- What the heck is a rim job?
When you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass.
Tell Mr.
Mackey this instant where you heard all these horrible phrases!
We all swore ourselves to secrecy.
- The Terrance and Phillip movie.
- Dude!
I wanna get out of here.
Terrance and Phillip?
Those Canadians?
Excuse me.
What is Terrance and Phillip?
Terrance and Phillip are two very untalented actors from Canada.
Nothing but foul language and toilet humor!
I'll send a warning to parents before more children see Terrance and Phillip.
- Everybody's f*cking seen it.
- Eric!
I can't help myself.
That movie has warped my fragile little mind.
STAN SINGS: There's the girl that I like Over there laughing with that smart...
You're holding up the g*dd*mn lunch line!
Hello, there, children.
- Hey, Chef.
- How's it going?
- Bad.
- Why bad?
We got busted for swearing.
We can't ever see that movie again.
That's too bad.
You should've seen Kyle when his mom showed up.
He was scared.
- Shut up, Cartman!
- I'd be scared.
Your mom's a bitch.
Don't call her a bitch, you fat f*ck!
Don't call me fat, you f*cking son of a bitch!
Where did you learn to talk like that?
CARTMAN: Pretty f*cking sweet, huh?
How do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?
That's easy.
You just gotta find the clitoris.
- Huh?
- Oops!
What does "find the clitoris" mean?
Forget I said anything.
Move along.
You're holding up the line.
Do you know where I can find the clitoris?
- The what?
- Is that like finding Jesus?
MR. MACKEY OVER P. A: Attention, students.
We are now enforcing a new dress code at South Park Elementary.
Terrance and Phillip shirts are not allowed in school.
Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is to be sent home immediately.
KIDS: Hooray!
The Canadian film, Asses of Fire, is number one at the box office.
Is the film destroying American youth?
Here with a special report is a midget in a bikini.
The effects of the Canadian comedy are far-reaching indeed.
All over America, children seem to be influenced, like at this spelling bee.
This is for the silver medal.
Spell "forensics." Why should I f*cking have to spell "forensics"?
Here you go.
S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S.
Forensics.
The devastating impact of the duo can also be seen with their hit song...
..."Shut Your f*cking Face, Uncle Fucker." RAPPING: Shut your f*cking face Uncle Fucker You're a boner-biting bastard Uncle Fucker I told you that we won 't stop I told you that we won 't stop Back to you, Tom.
Thanks.
Shocking report.
The controversy began in the town of South Park...
...where the PTA is trying to ban the movie.
With us tonight is the head of the PTA, Sheila Broflovski.
- And the Canadian minister of movies.
- Thanks for having me.
Parents are concerned about your country's entertainment.
The film isn 't intended for children...
But of course children will see it.
Can I finish?
We're surprised by your outrage.
- You just don 't care!
- Can I finish?
Hello?
The U. S.
Has graphic v*olence on TV all the time.
We can 't believe a movie with foul language pisses you off.
- Because it's evil!
- Can I finish?!
Please can I finish?!
Okay, I'm finished.
This film isn 't the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada.
Let's not forget Bryan Adams.
Our government's apologized for Bryan Adams on several occasions.
You Canadians are all the same, with your beady eyes and flapping heads.
I resent that!
I find that r*cist...
Our children are now addicted to your puke!
You are a r*cist!
It'll take us weeks to erase the damage this film has done to our children.
Kids, I want to welcome you to rehabilitation, m'kay?
Your mothers insisted you be taken from your schoolwork...
...and placed into rehab to learn not to swear.
I don't belong with these rogues.
I attended Yardale and had a 4.0 grade point average.
- You're a f*cking f*gg*t.
- M'kay, you see?
This is what I'm talking about.
We have to get you off of foul language.
- How are we gonna do that?
- Listen here.
RECITING: There are times when you get Suckered in By dr*gs and alcohol And sex with women, m 'kay?
But it's when you Do these things too much That you've become an addict And must get back in touch SINGING: You can do it It's all up to you, m 'kay With a little plan You can change your life today Don 't spend your life Addicted to smack Homeless Giving handjobs for cr*ck Follow my plan And very soon you will say It's easy, m 'kay Instead of "ass" say "buns" Like "kiss my buns" Or "You're a buns-hole" Instead of "sh*t" say "poo" As in "bull poo" And "This poo is cold" With "bitch" drop the "T" 'Cause "bich" is Latin For generosity Don 't say "f*ck" anymore 'Cause "f*ck" is the worst word That you can say So just use the word "m 'kay" We can do it It's all up to us, m 'kay With a little plan We can change our lives today You can change it today Don 't spend your life sh**ting up in the trash Homeless Giving handjobs for cash Follow this plan And very soon you will say It's easy, m 'kay Step one - Say "buns" - Like "Kiss my buns" Or "You're a buns-hole" - Step two - Instead of "sh*t" say "poo" - As in "bull poo" - And "This poo is cold" - Step three - With "bitch" drop the "T" 'Cause "bich" is Latin for generosity - Step four - Don 't say "f*ck" anymore It's the worst word You can say "f*ck" is the worst word You can say We shouldn 't say "f*ck" f*ck no!
You're cured You can go Don 't spend your life sh**ting up in the trash Homeless Giving handjobs for cash Follow this plan And very soon you will say It's easy, m 'kay Now you're cured.
Take the rest of the afternoon off for personal reflection.
Find your own constructive way to better yourself, m'kay?
I hope you've learned something through this experience.
I did.
I learned that you are a boner-biting, d*ck-fart f*ck-face.
Want to see the northern lights?
You b*rned yourself to death by lighting your fart.
I sure did, Phillip.
Uncle Fucker!
Good night.
Oh, man.
This movie rules.
Man, that movie gets better every time I see it.
That part about lighting farts is bullshit.
- You can't do that.
KENNY: Yes, you can.
No way.
(KENNY MUMBLES)
Okay, Kenny.
I'll bet you $ 100 you can't light a fart on fire.
- Holy sh*t, dude!
- Look out!
sh*t!
sh*t!
Help!
Somebody do something!
This stick is on fire!
Oh, my God!
You k*lled Kenny!
You bastard!
I guess you can light a fart on fire.
DOCTOR: Load that IV with 70cc's of sodium Pentothal.
NURSE: We called the parents.
Our moms will find out we went to the movie again.
DOCTOR: Vacuum!
Try to untangle his trachea and esophagus.
DOCTOR: No, that doesn't go there!
- Gross, Stan!
- That's sick!
NURSE: Watch his liver!
ASSISTANT: I'll get it.
DOCTOR: We have little time left.
We'll lose him soon.
His heart stopped.
Get it out of there.
Zap this, quick!
Who's making a potato?
My bad.
I missed lunch.
Damn it, I'm not gonna lose this kid!
DOCTOR: Close him up.
We've done all we can.
The rest is up to God.
DOCTOR: Kenny, can you hear me?
KENNY: sh*t, dude.
How are you feeling?
Great.
Son, I have some bad news.
We replaced your heart with a potato.
You have three seconds to live.
- f*cking weak, dude!
- Oh, my God.
They k*lled Kenny!
You bastards!
Damn it!
It never gets any easier!
I bet him he couldn't do it.
I bet him $ 100.
- It's not your fault.
- No, I'm stoked I don't have to pay.
That's real nice!
He was your friend, you fat f*ck!
So, boys, you saw that movie again?
- Yes.
- Well, Kyle, I have had it!
You are grounded for the next two weeks!
Grounded?
And you, Stan.
Come on.
And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.
Why am I grounded more?
That's bullshit.
What, what, what?!
What was that word, young man?
MALE SINGER: Little boy at peace What is this place Beyond the stars Open up your eyes What are these things You're moving toward Head so full of wonder Worries in the past Could it be That you are free at last No!
Little boy, you're going to hell You said bad words, threw rocks at birds Now this is your hotel This ain 't Disneyland, it's hell Little boy, it's time for you to pay For not going to church And staring at boobs every day Thought you were in bed Instead you're in hell No, hell isn 't good Hell isn 't good, hell No, hell isn 't good Hell isn 't good, yeah f*ck-face, have you seen Gracie?
There is orderliness in the universe.
Parents, our children are out of control!
This is what happens when toilet humor is allowed to run rampant!
That's right.
Kenny set himself on fire...
...because he saw Terrance and Phillip do it in that dirty movie.
We must stop dirty language from getting to our children's ears.
We must go fight the source of it!
But what is the source?
That's easy.
SINGING: Times have changed Our kids are getting worse They won 't obey their parents They just want to fart and curse Should we blame the government Or blame society Or should we blame the images on TV No, blame Canada!
Blame Canada With all their beady little eyes And flappin ' heads so full of lies Blame Canada Blame Canada - We need to form a full as*ault - It's Canada 's fault Don 't blame me for my son Stan He saw the darn cartoon And now he's off to join the Klan And my boy Eric once Had my picture on his shelf But now when I see him He tells me to f*ck myself Well, blame Canada Blame Canada It seems that everything's gone wrong Since Canada came along They're not even a real country anyway My son could've been a doctor Or a lawyer rich and true Instead he b*rned up like a piggy On a barbecue Should we blame the matches Should we blame the fire Or the doctors who allowed him to expire Heck, no!
Blame Canada Blame Canada - With all their hockey hullabaloo - And that bitch Anne Murray too The smut and trash we must bash The laughs and fun must be undone We must lament and cause a fuss Before somebody thinks of blaming us SHELLEY: All right, you turds, listen up!
Your moms are at a meeting and they put me in charge of you.
But you're still grounded, so you're not allowed to have any fun!
Any questions?
Shelley, where's the clitoris?
You all sit there and keep your mouths shut...
...while I go listen to my Britney Spears records.
Okay, it's clear!
Our next guests have the number one movie in the world.
Please welcome Terrance and Phillip!
- Hello, Conan.
- Hello, Brooke Shields.
Some people claim that your Canadian humor is just immature fart jokes.
That's not true.
Take this classic Canadian joke.
- Excuse me, Terrance.
- Yes, Phillip?
Gosh darn it!
- Good one.
Cheers.
- Cheers, f*ck-face.
You can't say that on TV.
Now Terrance smells like my ass.
I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon.
Does it make you nervous to be in America?
Our organizations want you arrested for destroying children.
- They'd have to find us first.
- You're right.
Now!
Mothers Against Canada is placing you under citizen's arrest!
- Mom?
- What's going on?
We have a court order for your arrest!
Phillip, we've been ambushed!
Here you go, Conan.
This little scrotum-sucker deceived us!
You are a bad man!
Don't listen to them.
You loved our movie, Conan.
We watched it together.
Remember?
You laughed.
What have I done?
(CAR ALARM)
(TURNS ALARM OFF)
Did you see that?
They arrested Terrance and Phillip!
As Canadian ambassador...
...I condemn America's actions in apprehending Terrance and Phillip.
The entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip.
Without them, we'd have a recession.
What say you, Mr.
American Ambassador?
f*ck Canada!
f*ck you, buddy!
Terrance and Phillip will not be released.
They'll be put on trial for corrupting America's youth.
What's all the fuss about?
The fuss is aboot taking our citizens!
It's aboot not censoring our art!
It's aboot...
What's so g*dd*mn funny?
Nothing.
Could you tell us again what your argument is all about?
This is not aboot diplomacy.
This is aboot dignity.
It's aboot respect.
Aboot realizing that humor...
Release them, or we'll give you something to cry aboot!
Pilot to bombardier.
We're nearing the target.
b*mb's ready, buddy.
(PHONE RINGS)
No, this is Billy Baldwin.
If you want Daniel Baldwin, call his extension, stupid!
Alec, do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?
- No.
What?
- Nothing!
BILLY: You missed me!
Your mothers are making me throw away my lesson plan and teach theirs.
How come our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip?
Yeah.
Your moms are just upset.
They're probably all on their periods.
Not cool.
Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.
Sorry, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Anyway, children, let's start off with some vocabulary.
MR.
MACKEY OVER P.
A: Attention, students.
What now?
Come to the gymnasium immediately for a special announcement.
- What's going on, Chef?
- Something big, children.
I can't find the clitoris.
You have to help.
Stan, the clitoris is...
Take your seats.
They're about to announce it.
This is a state of emergency.
Now to the White House for an announcement from the President.
My fellow Americans...
...at 5 a.m. Today, a day which will live in infamy...
...the Canadians have bombed the Baldwins.
In response to this, the U. S.
Has declared w*r on Canada.
- Oh, no.
- w*r?
- No, Gregory, no!
- This is bad.
Hold on to me.
All the Baldwins are dead?
It's time for us to send a message to Canadians.
In two days, the w*r criminals, Terrance and Phillip...
...will be ex*cuted.
They're gonna k*ll them?
And now I'd like to bring up my newly appointed Secretary of Offense...
...Ms. Sheila Broflovski.
Holy sh*t, dude!
My fellow Americans...
...our neighbor to the north has abused us for the last time!
- I have a plan...
- Canadians want to fight us...
...because we won 't tolerate their potty-mouths.
If it is w*r they want...
...then w*r they shall have!
Dude, this is f*cking weak.
How could things be any worse?
Fallen one, I am Satan.
I am your god now.
(KENNY SCREAMS)
There is no escape.
Now feel the delightful pain.
S*ddam: Hey, Satan.
Did you hear the news?
A w*r just broke out up on Earth.
Meet S*ddam Hussein, my new partner in evil.
You're hogging all the fun.
Man, this is getting me so hot!
Would you let me do my job?
Rub my nipples while I t*rture this little piggy.
Could I talk to you over here?
I don't see why you have to belittle me in front of people like that.
Relax, guy.
Sometimes, I think you don't have any respect for me.
Come here, guy.
Who's my cream puff?
- I am.
- That's my baby.
I don't wanna be at w*r.
You think they'll k*ll Terrance and Phillip?
Kyle, stop being a chicken sh*t and stand up to your mother.
Smack her and say, "That's enough of your sh*t, you bitch!" Don't call my mom a bitch!
Stop it!
This isn't helping.
We've gotta think.
Let's see.
- What would Brian Boitano do?
- Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?
What's going on?
America thinks it has the right to police the world.
Your government will k*ll two Canadians, an action condemned by the U.N.
Home of the free, indeed.
Let's play tetherball.
This is about freedom of speech!
About censorship!
Be more political...
STAN SINGS: There's the girl that I like Now it appears That she likes another guy It must be because He's political and stuff I bet I could be political too What do you think, Stan?
Damn it!
- This is all Kyle's mom's fault.
- Shut up, Cartman!
Kyle's mom started that damn club.
- All because she's a fat, stupid bitch.
- Don't say it, Cartman!
Well...
Don't do it, Cartman.
Well...
I'm warning you!
I'm sick of him calling my mom a...
SINGING: Kyle's mom 's a witch The biggest bitch in the world She's a stupid bitch She's a bitch to all the boys and girls Shut your f*cking mouth, Cartman!
Monday and Tuesday she's a bitch Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch On Sunday just to be different She's a super King Kamehameha bitch Come on, you all know the words.
Have you met Kyle's mom She's the biggest bitch In the world She's a mean old bitch And she has stupid hair She's a bitch bitch bitch She's a stupid bitch Kyle's mom 's a bitch And she's just a dirty bitch Talk to kids around the world It might go something like this (NONSENSICAL LYRICS)
Have you met Kyle's mom She's the biggest bitch In the world She's a mean old bitch And she has stupid hair She's a bitch bitch bitch She's a stupid bitch Kyle's mom 's a bitch And she's just a dirty bitch I really mean it Kyle's mom She's a big fat f*cking bitch Big old fat f*cking bitch Kyle's mom What?
CARTMAN: Oh, f*ck.
SHEILA: Everyone, settle down.
As we continue to send troops into Canada...
...M.A.C.
Is also fighting the w*r against potty-mouths here at home.
Here to present the V-chip is Dr.
Vosknocker.
The machinery of the V-chip is very simple.
It is placed under the child's skin...
...emitting a small shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered.
Wait a minute.
This chip somehow knows if the child is swearing?
It's like a lie detector.
Certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie.
The chip picks up on this and gives the subject a little prick.
Patient B-5, would you step out here, please?
Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-chip.
My head hurts.
Don't worry about that.
Now, I want you to say "doggy." Doggy.
Notice that nothing happens.
- Now say "Montana." - Montana.
Good.
Now, "pillow." Pillow.
All right.
Now I want you to say "horse-fucker." Go ahead, Eric.
It's all right.
Horse-f*ck...
That hurt, g*dd*mn...
f*ck!
Now I'd like you to say "big, floppy donkey d*ck." Success!
The child doesn't want to swear!
This isn't fair, you sons of b*tches!
We will start putting V-chips in all our children next week!
ANNOUNCER: Snacky Smores presents: The March of w*r.
Let's hear it for our boys.
Clinton has called them to fight the evil Canadians.
A full-scale att*ck was launched on Toronto...
...after the Canadians ' last bombing, which devastated the Arquettes.
For security measures, our great government is rounding up...
...all citizens with Canadian blood and putting them into camps.
Canadian-Americans are to report to one of these death camps right away.
Did I say "death camps"?
I meant happy camps, where you will eat the finest meals...
...have access to fabulous doctors and exercise regularly.
Meanwhile, w*r criminals Terrance and Phillip are prepped for execution.
Their execution will take place...
...during a fabulous USO show, with guest celebrities, including...
...Big Gay Al and Winona Ryder.
Of course, the only way to see the USO show is to sign up for the Army!
So join the Army and k*ll some Canadian scum as we continue...
...the march of w*r.
Eat Snacky Smores.
We must rid ourselves of anything Canadian.
Don't you like Terrance and Phillip anymore?
Course not!
Mommy says I hate Canadians because they made me have a dirty mouth.
Burn it all!
- Hey, dudes.
- What's the matter, Cartman?
It's this V-chip.
I hate it.
I can't say any dirty words.
- So you can't say "f*ck"?
- No.
- And you can't say "sh*t"?
- No.
You can't say, "I'm Cartman, the fattest piece of sh*t in the world"?
- f*ck you!
- Dude.
Sweet!
This has gone far enough.
It's time we talked to our moms.
We're supposed to be grounded.
Come on, it's time for us to get political.
Canada will no longer corrupt our children!
Mom, can I talk to you?
Kyle, what are you doing here?
You are grounded.
Get back to the house and stay there!
You too, Stanley.
You're going too far.
You can't k*ll Terrance and Phillip.
We must fight for our children's futures!
- You started a w*r.
You have to stop it.
- To make them safe again!
Our children are precious.
We must make a stand now!
Stop at nothing!
I told you she wouldn't listen.
We'll have to save Terrance and Phillip ourselves.
- What?
- Think about it.
What would Brian Boitano do?
He'd rescue Terrance and Phillip before they're ex*cuted.
We can't do anything.
Our moms' organization is too strong.
We'll round up all the grounded kids and start our own organization.
An organization to help save Terrance and Phillip.
Yeah, our own secret club.
- I guess that could work.
- We have to try.
SINGING: What would Brian Boitano do If he was here right now He'd make a plan and follow through That's what Brian Boitano 'd do When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics Skating for the gold He did two salchows and a triple lutz While wearing a blindfold When Brian Boitano was in the Alps Fighting grizzly bears He used his magical fire breath And saved the maidens fair So what would Brian Boitano do If he were here today I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two That's what Brian Boitano 'd do I want this V-chip out of me It has stunted my vocabulary And I just want my mom To stop fighting everyone For Wendy, I'll be an activist That's what Brian Boitano 'd do That's what Brian Boitano 'd do He'd call the kids in town And tell them to unite for truth That's what Brian Boitano 'd do Someone say my name?
- Who are you?
- I'm Brian Dennehy.
What?
No, not f*cking Brian Dennehy!
Get the f*ck out of here.
When Brian Boitano traveled through time To the year 3010 He fought the evil robot king To save the human race again When he built the pyramids He b*at up Kublai Khan Because Brian Boitano Doesn 't take sh*t from anybody So let's all stick together And unite to stop our moms We'll save Terrance and Phillip too That's what Brian Boitano 'd do We'll save Terrance and Phillip too That's what Brian Boitano 'd do That's what Brian Boitano 'd do S*ddam: Hey, relax, guy.
SATAN: There's nothing on.
You get cranky when you're tired.
I'm not cranky.
What started as a spat between the U. S.
And Canada is turning into WWIII.
World w*r III?!
Terrance and Phillip will be put to death for crimes...
It has come to be.
The Four Horsemen are drawing nigh.
The time of prophecy is upon us.
I love when you get biblical.
You know exactly how to turn my crank.
No, I'm being serious.
It is the seventh sign.
What?
SATAN: Behold...
...the first signs of my reign have all come true: The fall of an empire, the coming of a comet...
...and now, when the blood of these Canadians touches American soil...
...it will be our time to rise.
Yeah, man, I'm getting so hot!
Let's f*ck!
Do you always think about sex?
I'm talking about important stuff here.
I'm just excited about taking over the world!
Come on!
Is sex the only thing that matters to you?
I love you.
I want to believe that.
What do you say we shut off that light and get close?
SATAN: Ow.
S*ddam: You like that, don't you, bitch?
We can use my dad's computer to call the kids together.
Before we put a message out, do a search on "clitoris." Okay.
"Found: Eight million pages with the word 'clitoris.'" I'll just try the first one.
"You must be 18 to enter this website." "Welcome to German Sick Fetish Video.
If you are under 18, do not..." Well, okay.
(MALE VOICE IN GERMAN ON COMPUTER)
It's a lady getting pooed on!
- Is it Cartman's mom?
- Very funny.
It is Cartman's mom!
Son of a bit...!
Ike, you're too young for this stuff.
Bullshitah.
What's she doing now?
Okey-dokey.
(FARTING NOISE)
Click it off, dude!
What's wrong with German people?
Let's do what we came here to do and put a message out.
I've gotta put out an all-access e-mail.
- g*dd*mn, your mom sucks!
- Get to the message board!
Can't find a Canadian server.
I'll break into the mainframe.
They've got an access code!
I'll try to re-route the encryptions.
Here we go.
"Want to help Terrance and Phillip?
Sneak out after you get tucked into bed tonight and meet at Carl's warehouse." - Tell them we'll have punch and pie.
- We're not.
More people will come if they think we have punch and pie!
"Punch and pie.
This is top-secret.
The password is..." "La Rsistance." NEWSCASTER ON RADIO: So the draft will begin tomorrow...
...as more troops are needed to inv*de the Canadian border.
The Canadian government pleads for a peaceful resolution...
...but we're not listening.
Good night, hon.
Mom, when will the w*r be over?
I don't know, hon.
Soon, we hope.
You want it to end quickly, huh?
- Mom?
- Yes, hon?
If you were in a German scheie video, you'd tell me, right?
Sure, hon.
Good night.
There's a ghost!
(MUMBLES)
Kenny, is that you?
(MUMBLES)
Satan?
Satan is coming here?
S*ddam Hussein?
That doesn't make sense!
Eric, what is it?
I saw him!
I saw Kenny!
You poor dear.
You've been through so much.
I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire, and now he's pissed off.
I can't say "pissed off"?
The execution of Terrance and Phillip is imminent.
Soon, S*ddam and I will rule the world.
I got some new luggage for our trip up to Earth.
Let's f*ck to celebrate!
What's it like up on Earth?
Tell me about it again.
Let's not talk.
Let's get busy.
Remember when you first got here?
We used to talk all night, until the sun came up.
We would just lie in bed and talk.
Because I was waiting to get you in bed.
How come you always want to make love to me from behind?
Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?
Satan, your ass is gigantic and red.
Who am I gonna pretend you are?
Liza Minnelli?
Don't get all pissy!
SINGING: Sometimes I think When I look up real high That there's such a big world up there I'd like to give it a try But then I sink 'Cause it's here I'm supposed to stay But I get so lonely down here Tell me, why's it have to be that way?
Up there, there is so much room Where babies burp and flowers bloom Everyone dreams, I can dream too Up there Up where the skies are ocean blue I could be safe and live without a care Up there They say I don 't belong I must stay below alone Because of my beliefs I'm supposed to stay where evil is sown But what is evil anyway Is there reason to the rhyme Without evil there could be no good So it must be good to be evil sometimes Up there, there is so much room Where babies burp and flowers bloom Everyone dreams, I can dream too Up there Up where the skies are ocean blue I could be safe and live without a care Live without a care If only I could live up there I want to live, I want to live up I want to live up there - You're late!
- I had to ride my bike here.
- My behind is k*lling me.
- Your "behind"?
I have to say "behind" because I get shocked if I say "ass." Did you bring the punch and pie?
No.
You guys, something happened.
I don't think Kenny's dead.
I saw him in my room.
I know, Cartman.
I see Kenny every day.
- You do?
- Sure, dude.
On the face of every child, on the smile of every baby.
This was Kenny!
He said that if Terrance and Phillip die...
...S*ddam Hussein and Satan will come up and rule the world!
S*ddam Hussein?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
KYLE: Who is it?
GREGORY: I'm here for La Rsistance.
KYLE: What's the password?
GREGORY: I don't know.
KYLE: Guess.
GREGORY: Bacon.
KYLE: Okay.
Viva La Rsistance!
Oh, no!
It's that kid!
This is the place.
Stan?
You started La Rsistance?
You're more political than we thought.
GREGORY: Let us get this meeting underway.
Many others are coming.
A lot of people showed up.
Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be k*lled, and we think that sucks ass!
We were to understand there'd be pie and punch.
There isn't any.
Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be k*lled...
...so we should prank call a bunch of policemen...
...and have pizzas sent to them that they didn't order.
Viva La Rsistance!
- May I?
- What?
Terrance and Phillip are being held in a camp two kilometers from town.
They are to be ex*cuted tomorrow during a star-studded USO show.
Tomorrow?
Once the show begins, we'll have an hour...
...to get them out of their cell and into this clearing.
There, we will rendezvous and take them back to Canada.
Dude, Wendy's new guy is smart.
Meet me at the rendezvous point at 10 p.m.
Sneaking in and breaking them out will be dangerous...
...so I'll go myself.
No!
We're going!
We started La Rsistance.
We'll get them and meet at the rendezvous point.
This will be very dangerous.
Are you quite sure?
f*ck that!
Do you want that V-chip in you forever?
We'll go.
Let's run through the plan.
Oh, boy!
m*llitary action, Ned!
Let's k*ll us some g*dd*mn Australians!
I think we're fighting Canadians.
Canadians, Australians, what's the difference?
This uniform makes me feel like a tough, brute man, Mr. Hat.
It sure does, Mr. Garrison.
I can't wait for our first shore leave...
...so I can get me some f*cking poon tang.
Pay attention!
Tomorrow night is the USO show for all you troops.
There will be celebrities, followed by the execution of Terrance and Phillip.
(CHEERING)
After the show, we will finally be sending ground troops into Canada.
So let's strategize.
Map!
Our sources have told us that the Canadians...
...are preparing for our invasion, so we must use caution.
Each battalion has a specific code name and mission.
Battalion 5, raise your hands.
You will be the all-important first att*ck wave...
...which we will call "Operation Human Shield." Wait a minute!
Keep in mind Operation Human Shield will suffer heavy losses.
Battalion 14?
Right.
You are Operation Get-Behind-the-Darkies.
You will follow Battalion 5.
Try not to get k*lled, for God's sake.
Are there are any questions?
Yes, soldier.
Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
I don't listen to hip-hop.
After that, we will march into the heart of Canada, and we will...
I'm gonna get you!
What's wrong with this thing?
It's f*cking Windows 98!
Get Bill Gates in here!
You told us Windows 98 would be faster, with better access to the Internet!
It is faster.
Over five million...
All right, men, get lots of rest...
...and prepare to...
After you have Terrance and Phillip, make your way to this ridge.
We will wait for you.
But not for long...
...so if you're not there at 10, we'll have to leave.
You're brave, but you'll need help from someone who's done this before.
- Here's the address of "The Mole." - "The Mole?" He is an expert in covert operations.
Your first task will be obtaining him.
Get lots of sleep.
Tomorrow we will all be risking our lives for freedom.
SINGING: God has smiled upon you this day The fate of a nation in your hands And blessed be the children here Who fight with all our bravery Till only the righteous stand You see the distant flames They bellow in the night You fight in all our names For what we know is right And when you all get sh*t And cannot carry on Though you die, La Rsistance lives on You may get stabbed in the head With a dagger or a sword You may be b*rned to death Or skinned alive or worse But when they t*rture you You will not feel the need to run For though you die, La Rsistance lives on Blame Canada Blame Canada The country's gone awry Tomorrow night these freaks will fry Tomorrow night Our lives will change Tomorrow night We'll be entertained An execution, what a sight Tomorrow night There's so much room Babies burp and flowers bloom Tomorrow night up there is doomed And so I will be going soon Shut your f*cking face Uncle Fucker You're a boner-biting bastard Uncle Fucker - We may be out of luck - Tomorrow night, we're pretty f*cked Why'd our mothers start this w*r What are they fighting for When did this song become a marathon When Canada is dead and gone There'll be no more Celine Dion They may cut your d*ck in half And serve it to a pig And though it hurts, you'll laugh And dance a dickless jig That's the way it goes In w*r you're shat upon Though you die La Rsistance lives on I'm so excited.
Just one more day until we can take over the world.
I don't know if I can sleep, if you know what I mean.
This book talks about how people communicate differently.
I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and you...
That is interesting.
Let's f*ck!
S*ddam, I'm trying to have a nice conversation with you!
Now that is just not appropriate!
Come on, I'm just f*cking with you!
It's not real!
- Well, that's still not appropriate.
- Hey, daddy.
It's not real, either!
Come on, guy!
KENNY: What's wrong?
Soon the world will belong to me.
KENNY: What's the matter, dude?
It's S*ddam.
He doesn't nurture my emotions.
He just wants sex and can't learn to communicate.
- Why don't you leave him?
- You're right.
I should leave him.
I'll tell him...
..."S*ddam, I'm going to Earth to rule alone!" - I'm strong and I don't need him!
- Good for you!
SINGING: Today's the day for the USO show We're so happy we get to go I don 't know but I've been told Canadian p*ssy is mighty cold Stay in the attic, because if they find you...
...they'll put you in a concentration camp.
Don't worry.
We'll put an end to this.
Then I'll make Mom come home, and we'll all be a family again.
(IKE BABBLES)
- Hello?
- Hi.
We need to speak with The Mole.
I'm sorry.
The Mole is grounded.
He can't come out and play.
- What?!
- He's a kid?
He said very naughty things about God.
Can we just talk to him for five seconds?
Well, all right.
Christophe!
We're gonna rescue Terrance and Phillip from the USO show...
Who sent you?
Gregory!
He said you could sneak us in.
Are you telling me you intend to break into the USO show...
...filled with thousands of soldiers and break out Terrance and Phillip?
I thought it was a stupid idea too.
We're La Rsistance.
We wanna save Terrance and Phillip and stop the w*r.
I can't help you.
I'm grounded for the next three days.
So are we.
Our parents think we're home right now.
- Why are you grounded?
- Why?
Because God hates me.
He has made my life miserable.
So I call Him a cocksucking assh*le, and I get grounded.
- So will you help us?
- Very well.
Meet me in the backyard in five minutes.
Viva La Rsistance.
We'll show God that we won't f*cking...
What?
Christophe, get in here!
Coming, mother.
I must be strong.
I must be strong.
S*ddam, I need to talk to you.
Get packing, bitch.
We have to go!
We're running out of time!
S*ddam, sometimes you can love a person very much...
...but still know they aren't right for you.
What are you talking about?
You treat me like sh*t!
I'm leaving you!
I'm going up to Earth to rule alone.
No!
No, you can't do that!
I'm sorry, but I have to be strong.
Give me another chance!
I have to go to Earth!
You don't have respect for me!
Sure I do, guy.
Please just hear me out.
SINGING: Some people say that I'm a bad guy They may be right They may be right But it's not as if I don 't try I just f*ck up, try as I might But I can change, I can change I can learn to keep my promises I swear it I'll open up my heart And I will share it Any minute now, I will be born again Yes I can change, I can change I know I've been A dirty little bastard I like to k*ll, I like to maim I'm insane, but it's okay 'Cause I can change It's not my fault that I'm so evil It's society, society You see my parents Were sometimes abusive And it made a prick of me But I can change, I can change What if you remain A sandy little butthole Don 't be such a twit Mother Teresa won 't have sh*t on me Just watch me change Here I go, I'm changing!
You see, I've really matured.
All right.
Come on, we have to hurry.
S*ddam: I love you.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen of the American Army...
...welcome to the USO show.
Get ready for loads of entertainment and fabulous celebrities...
...followed immediately by the execution of Terrance and Phillip.
This is where those m*llitary b*tches intend to k*ll Terrance and Phillip.
Oh, my God!
God?
He is the biggest bitch of them all.
Hurry.
We rendezvous with the other kids at 10.
You realize we could be grounded for two, even three weeks.
- We're willing to take that risk.
- Let's go.
ANNOUNCER: And now, here are your hosts for the evening...
...Sheila Broflovski and Big Gay Al.
(CHEERING)
Al, tonight is a very special night.
Do you know why?
They're having a sale at Merv's?
No.
Because we're going to abolish Canadian smut.
That's right, Sheila.
Bring out the condemned.
SHEILA: Today is a great day for democracy!
This is worse than when you put your d*ck in my mouth and took a picture.
I know, Terrance.
I know.
While you're getting set up over there, let's bring out our first act: Yippie, the back-flipping dog!
Be careful not to touch this wire.
Motherfuck...
f*ck.
The show has started.
We're running out of time.
Do you see Terrance and Phillip?
Yes, but they are heavily guarded.
Dig from here, so as not to be seen.
Come on, b*tches.
Mole, do you know where the clitoris is?
- The what?
- The clitoris.
I have to find it, so I can get Wendy to like me.
Stop thinking with your d*ck!
Be on your toes, because I won't be grounded again!
Not for you!
Not for anybody!
Men, when you're out there in the b*ttlefield...
...and you're looking into the beady eyes of a Canadian...
...as he charges you with his hockey stick or whatever he has...
...and people are dying all around you, just remember what the MPAA says: "Deplorable v*olence is okay as long as people don't say any naughty words." That is what this w*r is all about.
(CHEERING)
What?
sh*t!
Move, move.
We will split up here.
Let's synchronize watches.
- We don't have watches.
- You don't?
- You didn't say anything about watches.
- What do you think this is?
TV kiddie hour where we sit around and lick Barney the Dinosaur's p*ssy?
This is real life, with consequences you take to the grave.
- We don't have watches.
- sh*t!
- Did you bring the mirror?
- Got it.
- And the rope?
- Check.
- And the buttfor?
- What's a "buttfor"?
For pooping, silly.
I'll dig under the stage, and with that bedrock, I'll need more time.
Stan and Kyle, stall the show anyway you can.
Keep that show going until I get the prisoners.
MOLE: Cartman, over there is the electrical box.
Shut it off before I return with Terrance and Phillip...
...or the alarm will sound and I'll be att*cked by dogs.
- Got it?
- Okay.
You must shut off the alarms.
I f*cking hate guard dogs!
I heard you, you British piece of sh*t.
If anything goes wrong, make a sound like a dying giraffe.
What's a dying giraffe sound like?
(MAKES ANIMAL NOISES)
Okay.
- Let's go.
- Be careful, dude.
Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart...
...with a clothes hanger, while I was still in the womb?
Damn, that kid is f*cked up.
AL: How are those chairs coming?
Al, we're minutes away.
Super.
Here is pint-sized pixie and darling of the indie movie scene...
...Winona Ryder!
Hi, guys.
I'm super-psyched to be here today.
What you're doing for our country is so cool.
I mean w*r, man.
Wow, w*r.
You know?
Wow.
Okay, and now for your enjoyment, here's my famous Ping-Pong ball trick.
Oh, my!
"Shut off the power, Cartman.
This is very important, Cartman." SOLDIER: Did you hear what Winona Ryder's doing?
There.
I didn't miss one.
That's my Ping-Pong ball trick!
That's all the acts we have for tonight...
...so let's just get on with the execution!
- No, we have to stall him.
- More!
More!
Yeah!
More!
You big sillies.
You want to see more of me?
Yeah!
Big Gay Al!
Big Gay Al!
Well, I do have a little song I wrote about the w*r.
But we haven't rehearsed.
Sing it!
I can't.
KYLE: Sing the f*cking song!
All right.
If you insist, I'll sing my song.
I believe it goes a little bit like this.
SINGING: Bombs are flying People are dying Children are crying Politicians are lying too Cancer is k*lling Texaco 's spilling The whole world's gone to hell But how are you?
I'm super Thanks for asking I couldn 't be better I must say I'm feeling super No, nothing bugs me Everything is super when you're...
Don 't you think I look cute In this hat I'm so sorry Mr.
cr*pple But I just can 't feel too bad For you right now Because I'm feeling So insanely super That even the fact that you can 't walk Can 't bring me down He's super Thanks for asking All things considered He couldn 't be better he must say I'm super No, nothing bugs me Don 't you think I look cute in this hat These pants This matching tie I got at Merv's CHORUS: In the barracks And the trenches as well - Stick 'em up!
- Big Gay Al says you have to tell Yes, he's super And he's proud to be gay Everything is super When you're gay When you're gay Again!
Again!
Who's there?
(KENNY MUMBLES)
Son of a g*n!
Heck!
They're coming?
But our moms won't listen to us.
AL: Okay, everybody, just want to thank our wonderful sponsors...
He's almost got them.
We're here to rescue you.
Follow me through the tunnel.
You guys!
Seriously.
I saw Kenny again.
Did you shut the alarm off?
- Cartman?
- Whoops.
Oh, sh*t!
(MAKING ANIMAL NOISES)
Hear that?
Sounds like a dying giraffe.
sh*t!
- A spy!
- Get him!
sh*t!
sh*t!
Oh, no!
Come on, Mole!
MOLE: sh*t!
sh*t!
f*cking guard dogs!
sh*t!
The alarms went off.
That was my bad.
Sorry.
Hold me.
It's so very cold.
There is no hope.
Get out.
- We can't leave without you.
- It's okay.
No, we can't.
We don't know where we are!
Where's your God when you need him?
Where is your beautiful, merciful f*gg*t now?
Here I come, God.
Here I come, you f*cking rat.
SINGING: Now the light she fades And darkness settles in But I will find strength - No, Mole, hang on.
- I will find pride within - We'll get you home.
- Because although I die - I can't face my mother.
- Our freedom will be won Not alone.
Though I die La Rsistance lives...
...on sh*t!
AL: Okay, here it is.
The moment we've all been awaiting: The execution!
The day is ours!
We have to tell them about S*ddam Hussein and Satan.
- No.
My mom can't see me here.
- You have to stand up to your mother.
Gentlemen, do you have any last words?
Last words?
How's aboot, "Get me the f*ck out of this chair!" How's that?
All right, anonymous, ready the switch.
STAN: Wait!
- Stanley!
- Eric!
Kyle!
Go on, dude, tell her.
- I can't.
- You can't k*ll Terrance and Phillip.
If they die, Satan and S*ddam Hussein will take over the world.
(LAUGHING)
Throw the switch, Mr.
Garrison.
I'm supposed to be anonymous.
Goodbye, bastards!
No!
The Canadians are attacking!
Run for your lives!
We have to shut off the power!
f*ck!
Some little fat kid saved us!
Wait!
We have to get you to the rendezvous point.
Ned, behind you!
CLITORIS: Be not afraid.
Oh, my God!
Behold my glory.
What are you?
I am the clitoris.
The clitoris?
I found the clitoris!
Stan, you must not let Terrance and Phillip's blood spill on the ground.
Tell me how to get Wendy to like me.
There are more important matters right now.
I looked all over for you.
Tell me how to get Wendy to like me.
Dude, just have confidence in yourself.
Believe in yourself and others will believe in you.
Chicks love confidence.
Now go.
Hurry!
The clitoris has spoken.
WEND Y: Stan, are you okay?
I see you failed.
I should not have sent a boy to do a man's job.
Come on!
We've got precious little time!
Die, Canadian, m'kay?
Did you hear that?
I farted.
You did?
Just now?
KYLE: Terrance and Phillip!
CARTMAN: Get to the rendezvous point!
CARTMAN: It's Mr.
Garrison.
Children, take Mr.
Hat.
Please get him out of here.
Holy sh*t!
This V-chip is getting all screwy.
Take cover in the trench!
Human Shield up front, then Operation Get-Behind-the-Darkies.
Remember, Human Shield, protect our tanks and planes too.
Holy mother of Jehoshaphat!
Fire on my command.
All right, squad, just like I told you.
One...
two...
Do some people gonna die?
- Fire!
...three!
What in the...
Great plan, Chef.
Operation Human Shield, my ass!
My God, this is terrible.
This is what we wanted!
We wanted our children to be brought up in a smut-free environment!
STAN'S MOM: But we didn't want this.
Where are you going?
We're going to find our boys.
For God's sake, Sheila, we're going to get them k*lled!
All those times I said you were a big dumb Jew?
I didn't mean it.
You're not a Jew.
Yes, I am!
I am a Jew, Cartman!
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Why am I still holding this?
MR.
GARRISON: Mr.
Hat!
No!
KYLE: f*ck this.
I'm getting out before I get in trouble.
I heard that.
I found the clitoris.
Now I can get Wendy to like me again.
Swell, Stan.
I guess all's well that ends well.
We can go home now.
Dipshit.
What's wrong?
We can't let Terrance and Phillip die, or the whole world will end.
Terrance, look!
There they are!
Phillip, we're done for!
All right, men!
Fire!
Goodbye, Terrance.
What is this?
Don't sh**t!
I'll take care of this.
Kids, get out of the way now!
Kyle!
I'm not going to let you k*ll them, Mom!
What, what, what?
I'm not moving!
Stand down.
You can still see fart jokes on Nickelodeon.
No!
This is about more than fart jokes!
This is about freedom of speech, about censorship...
...and stuff.
What about Ike?
Did you forget your adopted son is Canadian?
I'm doing very important things.
But you never took the time to talk to me.
Whenever I get in trouble, you blame everybody else.
But I'm the one to blame.
Deal with me.
You keep fighting all these causes.
But I don't want a fighter.
I want my mom.
Poor little fella!
No!
Holy sh*t, dude!
Young man, you watch your mouth!
My time has come!
You are really f*cked now!
It's S*ddam Hussein!
sh**t him!
What a dumb ass!
You have spilled the blood of the innocent.
Now begins two million years of darkness.
Good job, Ms.
Broflovski.
Thanks a lot.
I was trying to make the world a better place for children.
And you brought enough intolerance to allow my coming.
Now, everyone bow down to me!
S*ddam: Bend over!
What have we done?
S*ddam, I'm the dark ruler, not you.
Relax.
Better seen, not heard.
(KENNY MUMBLES)
I can't.
Let's start by building a big statue of me!
There, where that fat kid is standing.
Don't call me fat, buttfucker!
Yeah, Cartman, do it.
Damn!
sh*t!
Respect my f*cking authority!
You need to watch your mouth, brat!
Dogshit taco!
Quick, do something.
Try this on for size.
Blood-drenched, frozen tampon popsicle!
Buddy, I know I was mean before.
But don't worry, I can change.
Okay.
Not!
f*ck, sh*t, cock, ass, titties, boner...
...bitch, muff, p*ssy, c**t, butthole, Barbra Streisand!
What are you waiting for, bitch?
Destroy him!
You weak, stupid cum bucket.
Save me!
That's it!
I have had enough of you!
He spent so much time convincing me I was weak and stupid...
...that I believed it myself.
I have you to thank, little one.
You showed me that I had to get away from him.
Just make any wish you want and I shall grant it.
(KENNY MUMBLES)
- Are you sure?
- What did he say?
His wish is for everything to go back to the way it was before this w*r.
Kenny, you realize that means you'd go back too.
KENNY: I know.
(KENNY MUMBLES)
Very well, then.
I will pull my minions back.
I guess I'm destined to live in hell alone.
Hello.
What's this?
Hi, there, little guy.
Would you like to go to hell with me?
Sure.
I bet we can be best friends, Mr.
Satan.
Feel free to come back and visit anytime.
I just might do that.
Thanks, Kenny.
Thanks for going back to hell for us.
You're a pal.
Goodbye, you guys.
I'm alive.
Where's Mr.
Hat?
Wow.
We were all dying and now we're fine.
That's super!
What the f*ck's going on?
See, Mom?
It was Cartman's filthy f*cking mouth that saved us all.
I'm sorry I didn't pay attention to you, Kyle.
But what about Gregory?
- I never cared for Gregory.
- You didn't?
No, dude.
f*ck Gregory!
f*ck him right in the ear!
Thank you, clitoris.
SINGING: Everything worked out What a happy end Americans and Canadians Are friends again So let's all join hands And knock oppression down Don 't you know our little lives Are now complete?
'Cause Terrance and Phillip Are sweet Super sweet Thank God we live in this Quiet little pissant Redneck Podunk jerkwater Greenhorn one-horse mudhole Peckerwood right-wing whistle-stop Hobnail truck-driving Old-fashioned hayseed inbred Unkempt out-of-date White trash Kick-ass!
Mountain...
...town!
Look!
GELULA & CO., INC.
South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut
Moderator: Maskath3
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