07x18 - Schmoopie's Big Adventure

[bunniefuu]

Back in the 80's, my mom was obsessed with my birthday.

She always went over the top.

And over that top.

So as I approached adulthood, I was hoping for the biggest present of them all.

Get excited, Schmoopaloo.

Your gift is right behind that garage door.

Ooh!

I need to know...

Does it have wheels?

- Maybe.

- And can it take me all over town?

- Maybe.

- And when I pull up to school, will the ladies lower their sunglasses and say, with surprise, "Adam Goldberg?" Definitely!

Ta-da!

A freakin' bike?

Where's my GMC Sierra Grande, as featured in The Fall Guy?

This is way better than a car.

Fat chance.

But then I laid eyes on my mom's most over-the-top gift ever...

An exact replica of the bike from Pee-wee's Big Adventure!

- You didn't.

- I did.

I'm officially the greatest mama in the world!

She really was.

Growing up, I was obsessed with Pee-wee Herman and his wacky movie misadventures tracking down his beloved beach cruiser.

Exhibit A!

A photograph of the victims.

My bike and me.

Yep, I could finally be zany like Pee-wee!

And I owed it all to my mom!

And there's more.

Oh!

Pee-wee's finely tailored suit!

Oh!

Wagh!

Agh!

Neat bike, Adam!

Thanks, Mrs.

K!

Neat lawn!

Whoa!

Is that Pee-wee's bike?

Sure is, Dave Kim!

Are you rolling your harp home?

I am!

Your thing is way better!

Sweet ride, Goldnerd.

Can I have it?

Not a chance!

Respect.

You know what?

Sometimes you're pretty cool.

Yay!

Oh!

How was she?

I know I say this a lot, but honestly, this is the first time I mean it...

- I love you.

- I'll take it.

Now scoot your booty up and take your mama for a spin!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was March 25th, 1980 something, and Erica had been taking college seriously all year.

With the exception of the campus parking regulations.

- Are these all parking tickets?

- Yeah, they are.

That's why they're in the parking ticket drawer.

You've gotten a ticket in every illegal zone there is...

Red, yellow, blue.

What's green?

That's for parking on grass.

But what was I supposed to do?

There was no red curb.

You can't park in either!

My betrothed is a scofflaw!

Calm down, Jane Austen.

Campus parking tickets don't count.

Turns out, they did.

Oh, no!

Your car has a boot on it!

I can see that, Geoff!

$300 to get a boot off?

- That can't be right.

- It is.

Your flagrant disregard for vehicular statutes has rightly caught up to you.

Whose side are you on?

Is it wrong to say justice?

What the hell am I looking at?

Why is there a metal thingy on our car?

It's a bummer for you, dude.

You got a bunch of parking tickets and have to pay a steep fine to get the boot off.

It's quite a lesson.

But keep me posted.

Damn it!

The details are foggy, but it tracks with my careless nature.

Do not pawn this off on Barry.

Erica fought the campus law, and the campus law won.

Almost like the song!

Ugh!

The boot people know what they're doing.

Just relax.

I know how to fix this.

Daddy, I need a new car.

I don't know you.

I'll swear to it in a court of law.

Fine.

But then I need $500 to fix the old one.

$500?

What do you think, I'm Wink Martindale?

Is Wink Martindale famously rich?

That smiling bastard has crazy Tic-Tac-Dough money.

Then I guess if we had to cut corners and our safety wasn't important to you...

- It's not...

- then we could fix it for $300.

Damn it, fine!

What's wrong with it, anyway?

Oh, pfft, you know, just the usual "I got too many parking tickets and I got a boot put on, it's no big deal." - A boot?

- You heard that?

You typically don't listen to a word I say.

When it comes to money, I hear everything.

I am not saving you from that boot.

You're gonna work it off here in the store.

Here?

Blech!

Nobody really works here, right?

You do.

Starting now!

So Erica had no choice but to take the job.

And turns out, she was kind of a natural.

The customers liked her and liked buying from her even more.

She sold recliners, sofa beds, really anywhere you could put your butt.

Yep, she racked up the sales.

She even sold stuff no one knew the name of.

What in the world is a davenport?

Oh, that's just a fancy name for a couch.

But now we can charge double.

My little peanut is a selling machine.

What's your secret?

Oh, I'm using a tried and true sales technique...

Being helpful.

Hoo hoo!

Who would've thunk?

Hey, this is for you.

You've earned it.

Nine dollars?

Three dollars an hour for three hours.

Nine dollars.

But it'll take me forever to get that boot off.

- Also take these.

- Keys?

Please say they're to a safe with more money in it.

No, they're for the store.

You did good work today.

I'm proud of you.

Huh.

Keys.

I've never gotten keys.

When your family's on vacation, we just stay closed.

Way to go, Erica!

While my dad was teaching Erica the value of a dollar, I was starting to realize the real value of my bike.

Look at this!

Someone loves his new bike, and he loves the person that gave it to him even more.

That's your takeaway from the boy rubbing the thing up with a shammy?

Oh, this is no shammy.

This is a microfiber cleaning cloth.

It restores a bike's natural luster without causing what we in the paint game call "impact crackle." - What are you talking about?

- I think he's cleaning it.

Well, now that it's all sparkly, why don't take it back out, jump some puddles?

Puddles?

No, no, no, no, no.

It was a huge mistake to ride it.

Never again.

Never again?

But I saw your face, you've never looked happier.

But I wasn't considering the harmful elements.

We're talking fire, water, earth.

Not to mention the deadliest of all...

Air.

You're worried about air?

Dust, smoke, dirt, soot, unknown particulates, pollen...

That one's had a target on my back for a while.

But it's fun.

Careful!

The glands in your fingers secrete harmful oils!

Adam, it's a bike.

I think you're being a tad overprotective.

The hell's that?

It looks like a see-through box.

Good eye.

It's a protective Lucite case.

Ideally, I'd have it in what the CDC calls a "clean room." But this'll have to do until those paper pushers call me back.

But you have to ride it.

And plus, it clogs up the whole room.

It doesn't leave a lot of space for dancing, but at least I know she's safe.

Safe from what?

I bought it for you to play with, like all your other toys.

But I am treating it like all my other toys.

Behold!

Look at that.

All his Starboys and GI Jims are in little prisons.

You know it!

I'm off.

No one touch the thermostat.

The best protection against temperature is vigilance.

When did he start boxing up his toys like it's the world's saddest museum?

I guess he likes looking at 'em now more than playing with them.

But he's my schmoo.

He loves to play.

Bevy, no one stays a kid forever.

That's it!

I'll make him stay a kid forever!

I'm not gonna stop you.

I've learned to conserve my energy.

I'm not just gonna give him Pee-wee's bike.

I'm gonna give him the whole damn adventure!

The rantings of a lunatic.

But have a ball.

Again, I'm tired.

And so, in an effort to keep my childlike wonder alive, my mom pulled a move straight out of the Pee-wee playbook.

Somebody stole my bike!

Oh, no!

Who would commit such a heinous act?

Best guess, a crazy person.

We can't just sit here!

We gotta get it back!

Yes, we do.

Well, sounds like we're in for an adventure.

A big adventure.

A Pee-wee's big adventure.

That's a weird way to put it, but sure!

I'll go draw up a list of suspects.

Know what's suspect?

Your parenting style.

What mother steals her son's bike?

A mother who wants her boy to relive the magic of the movie.

Once he experiences that joy, he'll be certain to jump on that bike again.

I-I'm just gonna sit here.

While my mom was tricking me into being a kid again, living without a car was proving to be tricky for Barry.

I can't ride the bus anymore.

Do you know what kinda people are on there?

A delightful cross section of our great city?

It's a rolling caravan of monsters!

Oh, that's not entirely fair, man.

What's not fair is having someone cough soup on you.

So you're making friends.

Good for you.

Don't!

Okay?

You got our car booted, and now I have to sit next to a lady with an animal in her lap I don't even recognize.

It has the qualities of a squirrel but the face of baby.

- That can't be real.

- You want to know what's real?

A man with a unibrow didn't break eye contact with me for over an hour.

"Why are you smiling, sir?

"And where are you going with all that fish?" We get it, you're not a bus guy.

But there's nothing I can do about it at three dollars an hour.

I would k*ll for three dollars an hour!

You know I bust my ass making latte foam art?

And then the coffee shop owner Ryan comes in rocking a new pair of British Knights every week.

British Knights?

The sporty footwear of medieval royals?

We should rob this Ryan guy.

Or we could open our own coffee shop.

Yes.

We'll destroy Ryan that way.

Great.

All we need now are two things...

Coffee and a shop.

Well, we've got the Ottoman Empire.

Yeah, right, dummy.

Like Dad would ever let us.

He'll never know.

It'll be an after-hours coffee shop.

Oh, no!

My lighthearted attempt to be part of the conversation is fueling Barry's darkest instincts!

Yeah, it is!

We'll have everything we need...

Couches, a coffee machine in the break room, and the keys.

No way.

Too risky.

But it's the quickest way to get the boot off and me off the bus.

People shave on there.

And not just their faces.

I'm kinda liking this coffee shop idea.

All right, fine.

But we have to be super careful about it and cover everything in plastic and...

Then it's decided!

The Ottoman Empire will become...

The Empire Lounge!

Wow.

Where did all these people come from?

Who cares?

We're making money hand over fist.

- Pla-ding!

- Pla-ding?

Yeah, it's the cash register sound.

I think you mean cha-ching.

It's a good thing you got your looks.

Anyway...

Pla-ding!

- $14?

- This is just fanning money.

Here's the rest.

Holy crap!

Pla-ding!

Think of what we can do with this!

Yeah, like get the boot off the car.

Think bigger.

We can get two boots off the car.

As Erica had solved her car issues, I was about to solve a case of my own.

Exhibit A...

A photograph of the victims.

My bike and me.

Exhibit B...

Another photograph.

What's wrong here?

I'm not at home, making dinner for my family?

Aha!

The first one to speak always did it.

Did what?

I just came over because Bev told me she was returning my standing mixer.

Ginzy, please.

That thing is long gone.

Is there something you'd like to share with the rest of us, Emmy Mirsky?

I was wondering what we're doing here.

My bike was stolen!

And one of you did it!

Yes!

This is going better than I could've ever imagined.

Let's review the facts.

The thief had to have access to my room and know all my movements.

And they had the key to the master lock that only me and my mom possess.

Just going out on a limb here, but Beverly definitely took your bike.

- That makes sense.

- Yeah, I thought that before I even knew what this was about.

Mama!

Did you take my bike?

It was Dave Kim!

No, it wasn't!

I saw it.

He slipped in through the chimney like a turtlenecked Santa.

Enough.

She did it, Adam!

For some reason, she wanted to give you Pee-pee's big excursion.

Fine!

It was me!

But wasn't this fun?

- No.

- Balls!

I should have known!

Take me to my bike now, woman!

Well, it was right here, and now it's not.

Someone actually stole it?

Who would do such a thing?

And yes, I see what I did there!

Open to keep me a kid at hear, my mom had taken my most prized possession, my Pee-wee bike.

But then someone stole it for real.

Schmoopy, I know you're upset, but I actually think this is a fun wrinkle to our adventure.

Fun wrinkle?

This isn't something you can slather your Oil of Olay on!

Our most valuable asset is out in the world!

And that's why we're in the park...

To get it back.

Surely, the filthy BMX community will champion your cause.

Locals only.

Johnny Atkins?

It's me.

Adam Goldberg.

I have pretty severe face blindness.

I have to stitch together noises and shapes and...

Hey, your hot mom.

Hello, Jonathan.

Have you seen this bike?

- Looks familiar.

- It does?

You know something, don't you?

Where is it?

Yeah, I'm inclined to help you find your Pee-wee bike, - but I'm gonna need a favor first.

- Name it.

You gotta do the Tequila dance from the movie.

- What?

No way.

- Way.

And I'm gonna need your foxy mama to do it, too.

Oh, no!

We are not dancing for you!

Come on.

It'll be fun, sweetie.

And hey, look!

I'm already on the picnic table.

Cheggit.

Your mom's on board.

Better get up there, too, or no bikey.

♪ Tequila!

♪ That was so much fun!

Do you have When a Man Loves a Woman?

No more mother-son dancing.

Tell me where my bike is.

Lemme think about it.

I swiped it.

You?

Why?

I really liked it, I didn't have it, and so I took it.

In hindsight, I'm not sure I'm the hero in this story.

Grand...

theft...

bicycle!

I'm calling the cops, man!

No need to involve the cops, especially since I stole the bike first.

What don't we have in common?

But now just point us to where the bike is.

I guess it's in that direction.

But way past those trees and there's, like, a bucolic glen where the light dances on a pond.

We're not Hansel and Gretel!

Say the place!

St.

Vincent's.

I felt guilty I swiped it, so I unloaded it on the nuns there.

They need it more than me.

Yeah, you know who needs it more than them?

Me!

The guy who owns it!

Look at it this way, boopie, the adventure continues.

Does it continue?

Frickin' yay!

Just get in the car!

As I had a promising lead on my wheels, Barry and Erica finally got the boot off of theirs.

Sweet relief.

We got our car back, and now I never have to ride on a bus again.

- What's wrong with the bus?

- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe 'cause I went three stops as a stranger brushed my hair.

I gotta admit, using the store worked out pretty well, and Dad never had a clue.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you think you're going?

The car's mine for the next week to make up for your boot time.

But I gotta go quit and give Dad his keys back.

What?

You can't quit!

We need those keys!

Our lucrative business is just taking off.

Barry, the boot's gone.

We're done.

Oh, we're just getting started, baby.

- Baby?

- Yeah.

That's the way nightlife impresarios talk.

They pepper in "babies," "muffins," "pretty mamas," and my personal favorite...

"Jennifer." What are you talking about?

I'm talking about keeping the coffee shop open.

But instead, it's the Atlantic seaboard's hottest nightclub.

Absolutely not.

This is Dad's livelihood we're talking about.

We made more money than Dad ever has in one day.

I mean, who doesn't like money?

Ugly, stupid people who can't buy stuff.

But if you do this, you'll be dripping in...

- Diamonds?

- Better!

Butter.

When you're eating lobster every night.

Gross.

I don't want buttery lobster meat every night.

Then perhaps you'll like the finest timepieces known to man.

- Swatch.

- I already have two of those.

Ah, how would you like 200?

I wouldn't.

That's too many.

You're absolutely terrible at selling wealth.

- So we're doing it?

- Fine.

But just one more night.

And nothing can happen to Dad's store.

A reluctant "fine." What every business partner wants to hear.

Thanks again.

Come back soon.

There's my Employee of the Week!

Wow, my 14-year streak is over 'cause your daughter sold a table lamp.

All good things must come to an end.

But what do you say you guys shake a leg out of here - and I'll do the rest?

- Lovely.

Nothing like having a light shone on how unessential I am.

Toodle-oo!

You're really doing a number on Vic's noodle.

But I gotta say it's been great having you here.

- Dad, you don't have to say that.

- I do.

Since you've gone off to college, we've barely spent any time together.

But I have to say, it's been a joy seeing what a delightful young woman you've become.

Wow.

That's might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

You sure you don't want to call me a moron or something?

Why would I?

You're finally not one.

Damn it.

That was so warm and touching.

It's almost like you care.

Yeah, I guess I almost do.

As Erica was wondering if she'd lost her way, I was headed down the right path.

To church.

There she is!

Excuse me.

May I help you?

Oh, it's okay, Sister.

That's my son's bike.

Sorry, but once it's donated, it's property of the parish.

It's God's bike now.

Well, does God have a receipt?

God needs no receipts.

You know what?

You are a very mean lady.

I know you are, but what am I?

Just let me explain.

See, my mom got me this bike, then she stole it, and then someone stole it from her, and then we did a wildly embarrassing dance in front of a bunch of BMX bikers.

That brought us here.

You're messing with the wrong sister, mister.

Okay.

In that moment, I did something I'm not proud of.

Well, I'm kind of proud of it.

Yes, my little Pee-wee!

Ride!

Ride like the wind!

This is why we got the bike in the first place!

Don't root for me!

I'm still mad at you!

And just like Pee-wee, I was off to lead dozens of authority figures on the most epic chase ever!

Or...

not.

Adam, are you okay?

Let Mama's magical kisses heal your broken bones.

Get away from me!

You can't fix this!

Look at my bike!

I'm so sorry.

Thanks for the birthday gift.

While my mom's big adventure to keep me young at heart was a big failure, the Empire Lounge was turning into a huge success.

Holy crap!

This place is packed!

I know.

They're using throw pillows to actually throw.

Whoo!

The Empire Lounge is almost at full capacity.

But don't worry.

Naked Rob is only letting in nines and above.

Barry, is that a pencil mustache?

I'm trying out a new persona...

I'm club owner and Jai Alai enthusiast Barry Mexico.

What a fun and lazy character name.

- Was it your first thought?

- You know it!

Barry Mexico gets down to business.

You need to get all these people out of here.

They're all over Dad's furniture.

- It's Cinco de Mayo somewhere.

- It's really not.

Oh, no!

Dad's shoddily made furniture is falling apart.

No, it's not!

It's affordable, modern, and stylish!

Damn it, I have pride in this establishment!

We're out of coffee.

And...

"Not coffee." You're serving alcohol?

Come on, you can't have an illegal after-hours nightclub without some hooch.

We're all going to jail!

Where I will totally snitch to survive!

None of you are safe!

You all did it!

Look what you did!

Geoff's a rat now!

This couldn't get any worse!

What the hell's going on here?

And yet it did!

Aah!

You two are in big trouble!

Especially you!

Me?

This was Barry's idea!

Who's Barry?

I'm Barry Mexico.

You listened to this moron?

No, I gave you the keys.

You were responsible.

- Daddy...

- Don't you "Daddy" me.

I thought you'd grown up, but I was wrong.

You're still the same moron that I always thought you were.

To repair my bike and our relationship, my mom turned to a pro.

Thank you for coming, Jonathan.

I couldn't think of another person who could fix this.

Damn.

I thought it was gonna be a box of kittens, but that's just a messed-up bike.

And you're going to fix it.

Since you stole it from me after I stole it from Adam, who later stole it from some nuns.

What an unlikely journey.

Sounds like Johnny's back is against the wall.

Lucky for you, that's when I shine.

- Get me all your husband's tools.

- He has none.

Get me all your neighbor's husband's tools.

And so Johnny got to work.

My mom hoped that all that welding, whacking, fusing, soldering, wrenching, and different whacking would restore my birthday gift to its true Pee-wee form.

- What the [Bleep] is this?

- It didn't.

This came out way better than I thought it would.

This was a big mistake.

The important thing is, I tried my best and had a good time.

With that, my mom was out of options, except, of course, taking it to an actual repair shop.

Look what I got!

The bike is fixed, and so is our relationship.

Yay!

Everything's back to the way it was.

No.

It isn't.

My Pee-wee bike has been completely rebuilt.

It's worthless.

Well, maybe to some collector.

But now you can actually ride it.

Why do you want me to ride it so bad?

Because it made me sad that you don't play with your toys anymore.

They shouldn't be locked away.

You need to find your joy for them again.

You mean play with them like a child?

- Mom, I'm not anymore.

- I know.

But you're growing up too fast.

- I mean, what is the hurry?

- Gah!

I get it!

You never want me to grow up!

Fine.

I'm struggling with the fact that my youngest baby is becoming a man.

But it's also true that being an adult is overrated.

It's full of responsibility and stress and worry.

And you don't need that yet.

Mom, everyone goes through this.

I'm gonna be fine.

I know you will.

I just hope that no matter how old you get, there will always be a part of you that's still playful.

Actually, before I crashed into that truck, it was pretty great riding this thing.

Well, there's no reason you can't feel that way again.

Thanks, Mama.

You coming?

That's the thing about growing up...

It happens whether you're ready or not.

What's this?

I was here all night cleaning up the mess I made.

Dad, I am so sorry.

I trashed your store, and, even worse, I broke your trust.

That's not even what really bothers me.

I just liked spending time with you.

It was nice.

And I screwed it all up.

Things can be fixed.

Can they?

Because I'd really like to pay for everything I broke.

But, more importantly, I'd like to fix us.

That might take some time.

I know.

But I have some.

Say, after class every day?

You still wanna work here?

If you still want me.

There are worse ways to spend my day.

Sometimes, parents worry we're never gonna grow up or that we're growing up way too fast.

But you can't just pump the brakes on life.

So if you're willing to shift gears and trust the people you love, every day can be a big adventure.

Hi!

Hee ha ahh!

My name is...

Ahh!

Adam Goldberg!

- Oh, my God.

I can't take it anymore!

- Why?

Since Dad took away the car, I have to ride the bus!

An old man showed me the bruise on his back!

It was like looking at the inside of a pomegranate.

- That can't be right.

- Ew!

What's not right is how much cooking is done on there.

I saw a guy heating up a pot of eels.

- Eels?

- Eels!

And there's so much fighting!

An old woman clocked the bus driver with a fraternity paddle!

Who gave that to her?

Barry, maybe you just need to walk.

Are you a crazy person?

My apartment's like a mile from here.