03x08 - Waiting Forever For You

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Wynonna Earp"...

- This is...

- Bulshar's ring.

Gift.

May it protect you in your upcoming battle.

- I just wanna read the signals.

- I wanna try something.

I need you so bad it hurts.

Now we're linked together forever.

No strings.

You are abandoning your family.

Like I'm gonna let a vampire lecture me on love.

John Henry Holliday, you're not welcome in my home anymore.

What you wanna do is aim right of the placenta stain which should drive the seven ball straight into the corner pocket-slash-stirrup.

This is why no one will play with us.

Can we at least pretend you didn't give birth on this table?

That's not even the grossest thing that's happened on this felt.

As in, you might want to lift your chin a bit.

OK, yeah.

If only someone had the pull to talk Doc into buying a new table.

Hard pass.

Kate's the only one pulling that ass-chap these days.

Ah, sorry, that sucks.

Doc's a hard thing to lose.

This is not a "lose" situation.

This is a "you're welcome to the moustache thigh burns if you want him" offer.

Well, actually, I am, uh, taken.

And my guy only has a fraction of Doc's PTSD.

How is lil Christopher Robin?

Still patrolling the Hundred assh*le Wood?

Look he's fine, and I wanna keep him that way.

That means I've moved things to an exclusively text-based relationship for the moment.

Mm.

OK.

My advice is to squeeze all the juice out of that lemon while it's still ripe, before he does something stupid like...

you know, become a va...

- Vandalizer of your heart.

- OK.

Wow.

You're...

You're giving me dating advice?

Really?

Just stuff it, Chetri.

Just call Smokeshow the Bear and ask him on a date.

You know, before the world ends or he starts fang-banging his old wife.

Yeah, I don't think that's going to be an issue for us but thank you.

Think I lost an umbilical cord around here somewhere.

- Don't you mean your dignity?

- Hey, buddy.

Can I get a whisky?

Yeah.

No, not that one.

Yeah.

Is this about your friend with the big hose?

He sent me three texts and I ghosted him.

What happened to squeezing his lemons?

I don't know.

Hey, Charlie?

Hey, uh...

There is something hot under this table - and you might wanna...

- Shut up!

Hose that down with your big old hose!

No more hose jokes.

- OK.

See ya.

- Wait.

Take this thing and lock it in a thing inside of another thing so I can just forget about it and the damned vandalizer.

Good luck hosing the deal.

- So...

- So...

I got your message...

- ges.

- Yeah, I know.

I...

I got yours, loud and clear.

You said no strings.

And you're really busy sh**ting supernatural sh*t.

Well, not so busy I don't have to eat.

And sometimes when I eat, I like to look at things...

Nice things...

Nice faces.

Dinner?

Yeah, I'd love to do dinner.

I mean, if you're sure?

Did Shorty once cover this entire thing in pulled pork?

- I don't know.

- Yes.

Do not fail me this time.

Fetch!

Countessa?

Kate?

Bon appétit, darling.

What is this?

A succulent filet of jackass.

You kidnapped him.

It's a gift.

I know how hard it is at the start so...

here.

You may have made me what I am, but that does not make you my mistress.

I hunt for myself.

I always have.

Find yourself another occupation.

I am not yours.

You used to be.

He knows I'm here.

Who knows who's here?

Hey bitch, I like it kinky but I gotta take a whiz.

What should I wear?

Should...

Should I bring crackers, you know, nuts, cash?

None of the above.

It's just a super-cazh BGD.

BGD?

- Big gay dinner.

- Oh.

Yeah, Waverly's a great hostess.

Yeah.

You know, I'm just excited, you know?

The last time I ate with a group some zombie beekeepers were tossing raw chicken skins into cages.

Yeah, I wanted to ask, This whole Earp curse thing?

It's...

a rumour, right?

A family joke?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Totally.

Totally.

Like um...

Um, how those kids on Party of Five pretended to be orphans for sympathy.

Well, they were orphans, Jeremy.

What?

Spoiler alert!

Hey, so we need to be there for seven for pre-drinks and then we're gonna have mid-drinks and then we're gonna have post-drinks.

It's gonna be, uh...

Well, easy-breezy.

Robin.

Are you still there?

Robin!

Do not panic.

He is still alive.

Hey, you know, Doc, when we met before.

Perfect.

He smells like sex tobacco.

What the hell is going on?

Wait.

Oh my God, what is wrong with you?

Holy sh*t.

You had Kate turn you.

You could have k*lled him.

He tastes of rancid earth.

Foul.

I wonder if he is ill.

No, no.

You bit him!

You don't get to decide who's ill, even if your name is Doc!

I brought him here to make it as right as I could under the circumstances.

If this is you making things right?

No wonder Wynonna's moving on.

Now so am I.

Adiós.

Good.

Yeah.

Go feed on someone your own size!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

Hey, did I miss Big Gay Dinner?

Did that albino squirrel go all aggro again?

Uh, we'll have the chicken balls, the eggs benedict and the Great Wall spaghetti and meatballs.

Namaste.

So, this is Purgatory's finest restaurant?

They have breadsticks and knives that look like tiny swords.

- Five stars!

- Yeah.

So what was it like growing up in Purgatory?

Well, I could tell you how sh**ting my dad put a damper on things but that would probably put a damper on this fancy feast we're having too.

Ha.

Basically I don't know how I thought a dinner date was a good idea.

Well, you kinda surprised me with that one too.

I mean, I was...

I was promised a genuine hot mess.

So far all I see is a smart, beautiful sass mouth with some...

Some butter on her chin.

Bad sh*t follows me around everywhere.

I run into burning buildings.

Willingly.

OK, but I'm kind of like the Batman.

OK, but I'm Lego Batman except for being all smooth down there.

So when it comes to Fake Hot Mess Wynonna all I can say is, buckle up, Buttercup.

That...

didn't sound right.

Can you excuse me por uno momento.

Sure.

Yeah.

What the hell, Jeremy?

You do not interrupt a girl's bread course!

OK.

Doc is not a vandal, he's a vampire!

And do you want to know how I figured that out?

I'm betting you're gonna tell me.

Because he bit my maybe kinda boyfriend.

I haven't even bitten my maybe kinda boyfriend yet!

Is Robin OK?

Yeah, he's fine.

He's gonna be fine.

He's not gonna turn.

Plus, he was glamoured so he thinks he was bitten by a Caucasian tree rodent.

But you know, you remember the part about me wanting to keep him safe and PTSD free?

This calls for a whole lotta wood.

Wait, no...

What are you gonna do?

Fix it.

Yes!

Remember the time you said "buckle up, buttercup"?

For the record, I'm...

I'm the buttercup.

Well, date night has officially become stake night as in vampire, not filet.

You in?

I filled up on bread anyhow.

Good.

I got your text.

Wynonna, I am sorry.

In the haze of the forest I did not recognize him and I brought him to Jeremy...

Argh!

You can try but that rope's soaked in holy water.

Who did this?

- Wynonna?

- Yeah.

She wanted to discuss a few things with Kate without you interrupting.

I'm getting good at that.

Oi!

Lady bloodsucker, show yourself.

Oh sh*t.

I was wondering when you'd pop in.

Why do you get a better entrance?

Been working on them for a century.

- Hello!

- Hey!

Come on in!

- Welcome!

Hi!

- How are you?

- Ooh, it's cold outside!

- I know!

- How are you?

- Yeah.

I got bit.

- Um...

- You got bit?

- Yeah.

- Oh, uh...

He got a bit cold...

He got a bit cold on his rounds.

Mm-hm.

Poor Robin, come with me.

Yeah.

Uh, listen, I'm so behind schedule with the food.

Oh, is that for me?

Wine, yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Listen, how do you feel about potatoes?

Oh, I find them very a-peeling.

OK, uh, take care of him!

- Hey, lemme grab your coat.

- Uh, oh, yes.

Sure.

Oh.

OK.

What up?

What app?

Uh, any apps?

You making any appetizers?

Uh, wow.

You're really nervous.

Jeremy it's just dinner.

It's mostly drinks.

Yeah, but you...

You only get crowned sheriff once.

Am I right?

Do you get a crown?

Is...

Is there a crown?

That would be great.

Hey, have you heard from Wynonna at all?

Your husband bit someone an innocent person, a friend.

He was hungry.

That's the price we pay for having Doc forever and ever.

I don't remember ordering that.

You're blaming his choices on me?

And here I thought you were the progressive type.

Sexy lady vampire isn't exactly hashtag modern feminism either.

You tricked him.

Like you did before.

You seduced him with your designer vampire pheromones.

That's what you think.

For real?

Laugh while you still can.

I'm gonna sh**t you through your undead heart and give Doc back his soul.

Come on.

The whiskey's warm.

You monster.

You should at least get to know a lady before you try to k*ll her.

It's a good story.

Well, I'm sort of over stories.

Doc is the one responsible for turning me.

You said you'd always been a vampire.

I lied.

Fine.

But if you start doing voices, I'm sh**ting us both.

My family is from Europe.

And we weren't vampires, we were nobility.

And girl, don't look shocked.

We all know who wrote history and how they have a habit of leaving people who look like me out of official records.

We came looking for liberty.

We found a cesspool.

Both my parents d*ed soon after we arrived.

I was supposed to return to Hungary and my creepy Uncle Otto.

But I knew what he was.

I knew a lot of things.

It was a useful talent.

Now, this card represents the past.

This one, the present.

And this...

You'll be engaged within a year.

Oh, thank you.

Welcome.

Then one evening, I met a man I refused to read.

It wasn't that I couldn't read his future.

It's that I wouldn't.

- Do it!

- I won't.

The lady said no.

This is no business of yours.

I have this aimed at your business.

Take your money and go.

Sir, wait.

May I buy you a drink?

Now, what heartless bastard could deny you a thing?

Barkeep.

Doc to the rescue, huh?

You paint quite a pretty picture.

Well, it gets a lot less pretty.

Say what you want about John Henry Holliday.

He's never boring.

How did you end up taking a bite out of this kid anyhow?

Oh, let me loose, and I'll give a demonstration.

I can handle myself against you in any way at all.

You are but a passing whim, and you'll never last.

Oh, I have no problem lasting, old timer.

No problem at all.

We're closed!

Oh!

What is that?

Charlie, welcome to Purgatory.

What do I do?

What do I do?

What do I do?

Let me loose, Charlie!

Now!

We just got att*cked by a woman with a barbecued skull.

Then I punched her through the heart.

As you do, if you are me.

What do we do with her?

Salt.

That like a vampire thing?

It is a witch thing.

Call Wynonna.

She didn't...

Didn't want to be disturbed.

Call her.

You're a lot like Wyatt, you know.

Same eyes, full of mischief and foreboding.

You're not going to talk me out of sh**ting you with fortune teller-y adjectives...

Ad...

verbs...

Nouns.

You gonna get that?

They'll leave a message.

I just didn't think you wanted to hear any more about me and Doc.

Maybe it makes you uncomfortable.

No, there's no me-and-Doc so you're welcome to as much you-and-Doc as you can handle cos I can...

too...

Handle it.

And yet you dropped everything, even your fine-ass date, to come over here.

Um, yeah.

To do my job.

To turn Doc back into a regular assh*le instead of a vampire assh*le.

You don't make Doc Holliday do anything, Wynonna.

He makes you.

I love you.

Smells like rain is coming.

Henry...

I bought a ticket for the coach next week...

to New York.

What is in New York?

A ship.

You're going home?

Back to Hungary?

Yes.

What do you think?

I came here to build a life, make my own way, and it's not working.

Purgatory, Las Vegas, Kansas City...

They're just places.

We pass on through them and forget them.

Well, we were pretty drunk.

Well, I'm sure you won't be remembering me much longer.

Are you playing games with me, girl?

No.

Smart.

Because Doc Holliday never loses at games.

Doc?

This is some beautiful revisionist love story bullshit.

Just get to the part where you abandon him.

He had Wyatt.

You left him alone, and he was sick and scared and dying.

Now what could a fortune teller do?

Cry over him?

You palmed it.

He also taught me that.

Dammit.

That is a bigger tiny sword.

So...

Jeremy, huh?

Quite the catch.

You know, judging from your roster of high school boyfriends I'm not sure I can accept that compliment.

Uh, says the guy who dated Chrissy Nedley for two semesters!

I did.

You know, that poor girl I made her watch Friday Night Lights like six times.

What, for the football?

Oh sure.

What do you think a potato feels when it's in the ground?

Uh...

You know, I...

I haven't really thought about it.

I have been thinking about it.

Seeds in the ground, whispering to one another.

Bulshar can talk to them, you know.

Wait, Robin, can you hear them?

The trees?

Do you know what he's telling them to do?

You know, sometimes I want to lay down and let the forest have me.

So, uh, he's out there, he's minding his own business, when...

OK, OK.

Just slow down.

Take it easy, OK?

Yeah, I would but now I'm freaking out at the giant ring sticking out of your biscuit.

Guys...

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

This is happening!

Yes!

- I feel dizzy.

- Me too.

Hey, I better be your bae of honour!

Course.

This is Bulshar's ring.

- Oh.

- Oh.

I threw this away!

Yeah, and I locked it away just today.

You had it?

Yeah.

Well, Wynonna gave it to me.

She got it from Doc.

Stupid Doc!

Guys, something's really, really wrong with Robin!

Well, I mean, he...

He probably just has meet the parents jitters.

No, from the trees.

Bulshar's ring is following me.

Yeah, and Doc's a vampire, and he bit Robin.

What?

Is that why Robin just licked a potato?

Because, you guys, Robin just licked a potato!

- Potato?

- Yeah.

Also?

I think he just left, so...

She's got a good-sized trunk on her.

Right?

Who cares if she failed her emissions test.

Still smells like Bobo Del sh*t down here.

This where you hide all your bodies?

This was my personal hell for over one hundred years...

until the Earp heir came to retrieve Peacemaker.

Wynonna rescued you?

You know, unfortunately she doesn't seem to be available this evening.

You might want to get used to that.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

She put herself back together again!

sh**t the tires!

I'm not gonna sh**t Charlene!

No, but...

Well, goddam.

It seems only fair.

I stole her car.

Now she's stole mine.

That was Constance who put me in the well and damn, if I didn't almost get to return the favour.

I thought a witch threw you in the well?

Constance Clootie is the Stone Witch resurrected by Bulshar, her husband, no doubt.

I'm gonna need a chart.

Oh, we're gonna need better shoes.

- Hey, Robin?

- Robin?

Robin, it's freezing.

You...

You don't have a coat.

- Robin?

- Guys, let's check in the barn.

Sweetie are you in here?

Oh, his stuff.

Robin?

Where is he?

Soon.

It'll all be over soon.

We need to keep fertilizing the soil.

- Tired?

- No.

- You?

- Psht.

Nah.

But how long do you figure this stand-off is gonna last?

Why, you got monster truck tickets?

So we just keep on keeping on?

Unless something more interesting happens.

Hey.

Huh.

What did he do to her?

- That was...

- The Stone Witch.

I hardly recognized her without her resting witch face.

How'd you know?

Power recognizes power.

Even if it is fading.

She's looking for...

Doc?

- Someone.

- Or something.

I could go on ahead, if you want.

I can keep up.

You see me keeping up, right?

I have to pass a physical every three months.

Oh, I'm much faster, if I choose to be.

You can barely stand.

You need blood.

I would refrain from mentioning that substance.

I already lost control once today and the only reason I didn't tear out his throat was for the taste of moulding earth.

Take it easy.

Huh?

Whoa.

Alright, alright.

I got you.

I got you.

Take it easy!

This is me taking it easy.

Ah hell, just do it.

Like a sack of old west potatoes.

"How was your date night, Charlie?" It was a little tense.

He's like a beautiful shirtless roomba.

We need to get him inside.

Or get him talking.

I...

I think he might be tapping the bad guy's phone lines.

What can you hear, Robin?

They entombed him for decades...

but he's close now.

Bulshar?

What's he close to?

Hi.

This is not the bathroom.

Uh, no, you're in the barn.

OK, maybe don't step in this general area?

- What are you doing out here?

- I...

I heard whispers.

I think it's the tree roots?

They don't want to but he's making them do his bidding, Bulshar.

sh*t, I know...

I know this sounds crazy.

Hey, I survived a m*ssacre and I'm being haunted by a demon's ring.

Yeah, I touched tentacle goo and made a lightning rod of spoons.

I was in a car crash when I was a kid trapped with my mother's body for three days and now I can sense when my friends are super scared.

You're not crazy.

Also not the first person to pee in this barn.

We have a bathroom.

Yeah, what is it with dudes, seriously?

You have my affection.

Now, how about giving me your potato?

With pleasure.

The rest of you seeing that lady with the flame-broiled noggin over there?

Constance Clootie!

Woman, can't I have one g*dd*mn dinner party without you getting all up in my biscuits?

Oh my God.

Are you...?

- Are you OK?

- I'm OK.

She belongs to Bulshar too.

Woah.

Hey, hey.

I just found a man I like.

I'm not losing him to some woman.

Especially one with grill marks!

Argh!

Hot.

Hot!

Argh.

Hot, hot, hot!

Waverly, don't touch it!

It...

It fits me.

What are you doing!?

No, no, no!

Ooh.

What?

Since when did you get a finishing move?

Was that whole thing normal for you guys?

Honestly, yeah, Kind of.

Yeah.

Let's go get some wine.

- Three for me.

- OK.

Thank you.

Zombie Skullhead Constance was going through Doc's stuff.

His cigar box?

Yeah, as far as we could tell, she only took three cards red border, vintage.

Tarot cards, Kate's, from when they first met.

Henry palmed the cards after the reading.

He always swore he didn't, but I knew he did.

Whose cards were they?

You never said.

Well, at that point, he was just a Sheriff.

I am the Sheriff Clootie and I am looking for something...

in the Ghost River Triangle.

They say that place is cursed.

I'm close...

but one piece eludes me.

Powerful though I am, I cannot find it on my own.

So you will do it.

This card represents the past.

This, the present.

The...

I can't read your future.

Finish it.

No, I mean, I won't.

Do it.

The lady...

said no.

This is no business of yours.

I have this aimed at your business.

Take your money and go!

But leave the cards.

You read Sheriff Clootie...

Bulshar's cards?

Not all of them.

He wants to find his last one his future.

Or is it now his present?

Then we better intercept the bitch kebab and make sure she doesn't give it to him.

Don't underestimate the power of this relic.

It's older than most things on earth.

Oh fudge-nuggets.

It couldn't have been a princess cut?

Past.

Present.

Glorious future.

Constance.

It's OK.

We're too late.

God, she can't even speak.

- What has Bulshar done to you?

- Made her pathetic.

Listen you've been a thorn in my side for way too long, Stone Witch but nobody deserves to be somebody's meat puppet.

Help us find him.

She has nothing left to give, Wynonna.

She's as cursed as you are.

Sucks, right?

So does this.

It's no small thing...

to be able to choose your own end.

- What is this?

- I've got a buddy who's a paramedic.

We didn't know your blood type, so we went a...

nice neutral O negative.

Thank you.

Those canines aren't made for nachos.

Perhaps this way I can avoid run-ins with friends of friends.

I like her, Doc.

I'm thirsty not stupid.

You don't know her like I do.

You will never know her like I do.

I know she hunts what you've become.

Well, she will come to understand.

You can't remember his cards?

You know how many reads I've done since then?

It was a bad one I chose to forget.

- Bullshit's always one step ahead.

- Yeah, well, he's still just a demon.

While you, Wynonna Earp are the best demon hunter I've seen in a long time.

Certainly the prettiest.

You're trying to make me forget about k*lling you.

You know, my death won't return Doc to mortality.

It's a myth.

Well, you should have led with that.

It'd be awesome if Bulshar's cards just said.

"Hey Bulshar, you're a big old bag of deflated dicks".

Yeah, I...

I haven't seen that card.

What?

There's no 'ye big olde sack of airless dingadongies' card?

OK.

You mock, but the Tarot has a lot to say to those with the will to listen.

And my will is a stone-cold, bemulleted iron woman...

on steroids.

Girl, I'm a mystic, and I still can't decode that sentence.

As an Earp, I'm linked...

to Bulshar.

Call it fate or whatever, but we're all linked by this curse so maybe we share a future too.

So I read your cards to know his.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're certain?

They may tell you something you don't wish to know.

Lady, I'm made of things I don't wish to know.

- Why did you put it on?

- I was meant to.

What does that mean?

I don't know, but don't you think it's weird that I can't get it off either?

Whoa.

Wait, wait, wait!

Ow!

Ow, ow!

Jeremy, my finger's still attached!

Sorry, sorry, but what's that?

Maybe...

Hebrew or Aramaic?

That wasn't there before.

What?

OK, wait.

Your...

Your finger made this word appear?

Dictionaries.

We need dictionaries people.

I know why Bulshar is in the Ghost River Triangle.

Perfect Nose Kate read my cards.

I'm apparently Tarot twins with Bulshar.

We think these are the cards he wanted.

First, the past.

The devil, because yeah our family's taken a whole metric sh*t-tonne from that demon-bag.

The next card represents the present.

Bulshar wants the tower.

Well, that's obviously a Wang metaphor.

Kate says that represents darkness and destruction.

Yeah, like I said, Bulshar's wang.

But if he gets it, his future is gonna be...

Make out city?

Um, is this about Bulshar's wang?

It's the first two lovers who ever...

The first first lovers, guys.

The first two to grab some birds and rub 'em on their bees.

Season one, episode one of Boneland.

So the couple normally referred to as Adam and Eve.

OK, so, the devil...

the tower...

- Adam and Eve.

- Paradise!

Jeremy!

You dunked on my mic drop, man.

No, it's Arabic, on the ring.

It means Garden of Paradise.

- What?

- That's what he's after.

OK, so I had negligent hippie parents and I smoked cigarettes behind church instead of ever going in but is paradise supposed to be in North America?

In the fudging Ghost River Triangle no less?

Juan Carlo said this was sanctuary, right?

That's why.

- He's looking for the Garden.

- No.

He's not looking for the Garden of Eden.

He already found it.

I'd invite you in but...

But I'm a vampire, and you're not ready?

Ding, ding, ding.

Smart girl.

Charlie said he'll call you later.

We were all just trying to have a nice dinner for once, y'know?

Yeah, well, someone had a good time.

Kinda wish he hadn't signed it "Buttercup".

There's something to be said about the sentimental man.

Or one who tells you that he's feeling something...

- Anything.

- You gave up on Doc.

I hoped he'd chase me, for once.

Instead, I left him thinking he had nothing left.

Nothing to lose.

So he went and made a deal with a witch?

One last attempt to escape the disease.

She threw him down in a well.

- He was alone.

- But I came back.

Don't you see, Wynonna?

I was playing a game.

But this time, I lost.

Where is John Henry Holliday, Mrs.

Clootie?

Where is my husband?

Husband?

Oh, come now, wasn't he still paying you?

Tell me what you've done!

Do you feel pain?

Do you feel loss?

Good.

It's a balm to my own wounds.

I am a mother a mother whose children were slain for no reason.

That is pain.

That is loss.

Doc had nothing to do with that.

No, but his best friend, Wyatt Earp, did.

Doc is innocent.

Even you don't believe that.

I feel it.

I know he's still alive.

And will be always, as per our deal.

But you could search for centuries and never come close to finding him.

- I'm gonna try.

- How?

I'm fresh out of immortality.

I don't need you for that, bitch.

Or you could leave him behind, like he left you.

Consider it my consolation gift.

Your independence.

Turns out, independence didn't take.

That's when you went to see your Uncle Otto.

Claimed my immortal kiss.

So I could search for him forever.

But it was you who found him, freed him.

- It was an accident.

- Yeah, well...

the universe loves a bad joke.

You became a vampire for Doc?

And he became one for you.

Goodbye, Wynonna.

- Where are you going?

- To see if I can find a stagecoach.

- Wynonna.

- Jesus!

You just about gave me a heart att*ck.

Well, I was uninvited from the house, remember?

So now I skulk in the barn like the dog you think I am.

Just because you can hide in the shadows, doesn't mean you should.

I am done hiding from you.

I don't like you like this.

I have became this...

because I am determined to be here as long as you require and if you should fall to fight for Alice and beyond, if necessary.

You think I can't do this?

I think we need to do this together.

Good.

The curse ends now.

With both of us.

It has to.

Bulshar is here for the Garden of Eden.

That's what the Ghost River Triangle is protecting.

Dear God.

God has nothing to do with it.