Diane: Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hiya, Sam.
Hey, Carla.
Did you just get pregnant in the last five minutes?
I could, but this is just stuffing.
Why?
Well, because I'm a little short, and my rent is due.
And I found out they give better tips to pregnant women.
That's absolutely dishonest, Sam.
I mean, you should tell her to get rid of it.
I can't do that, coach. She's catholic.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, would you watch it? I'm in a family way here.
Kid's going to be a swimmer.
♪ Making the way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where everybody knows your name ♪
Ah, would you look at that.
Some idiot carved his initials on my bar.
It's his initials and his girlfriend's.
It's sweet.
No, it's not sweet. It's destructive.
I mean, who did...
Who did that?
"S.m. Plus D.C."
Diane...
I think it's romantic.
No, it's not romantic.
It's stupid.
If you want romantic, we could have our buns tattooed.
Worth a sh*t.
I'm just going to run a tab for you.
Boo.
Uh-huh? Aah!
Excuse me.
Oh, Sam?
May I speak with you for a moment, please?
Mm-hmm.
Hmm? Hmm.
Don't you recognize that man?
The ex-convict you paid to date me, who m*rder*d a waitress and fantasizes his hands are claws.
Oh, yeah.
How'd you happen to remember him?
Of course I recognize him.
His name is, uh, Andy something. So what?
So, what is he doing here?
I don't know.
Probably came in for a drink.
People do that, you know.
As soon as you hang a sign out that says "bar," you start getting that.
Sam, you have to get rid of that k*ller.
He's dangerous.
Aw, come on. Look at him, Diane.
Does he look dangerous to you?
Not at the moment, but...
He's a customer, that's all. He's just a customer.
He has every right to be here just like everybody else.
Don't worry, if he starts anything, I know how to handle it.
Hey. Andy, isn't it?
That's right. And you're, uh... Sam.
Correct. What will you have, Andy?
Everything in the cash register, Sam.
Freeze!
Uh... everybody just take it easy here.
I'll, uh, get...
No, no.
Let the other guy get it.
Ernie pantuso. Call me coach.
We got to help Sammy.
What can we do?
I don't know. Maybe we can jump the guy.
He's not that big.
The g*n is big.
The g*n's definitely big.
Maybe Diane could run around in circles flapping her arms and draw his fire.
Uh, Carla, you stay out of this.
Me and norm will handle this.
Me? What do you want me to do?
We've got to do something. Trust me.
Statistics show that 33% of the time, a guy carrying a g*n will not use that g*n if challenged.
So?
Well, so if he's already sh*t 2 people today, you're in luck, now get him.
Hey, folks, folks. I certainly hope no one's going to try anything silly here.
Just take it easy.
No one's going to try to overpower you or anything.
It's not worth it.
Not even if I was a little careless and sort of let the g*n drop onto the bar like that?
Maybe let my attention wander around the room a little bit?
Now!
It's ok. It's ok.
Yeah. Carla's got him.
Lucky for him.
Ok, ok, Sam, you got me.
Hey, watch where you're pointing that. I'm sorry.
It's ok. It isn't loaded.
It isn't?
Oh, my god. It isn't.
Cliffie, do you suppose this little trickle here is noticeable?
Would you guys come down here for a second and watch him?
I'm gonna go see if the police are answering their phone today.
Good. I want to go back to prison.
I can't make it on the outside.
Have you really tried to make it on the outside?
I've been b*ating my brains out.
No one's gonna give an ex-con a break.
No one will hire me, no one trusts me.
What is it you want to do? What are your skills?
I have no skills.
I'm worthless.
Don't you have any ambitions, any dreams?
You'd laugh if I told you.
No, we won't.
I'd love to be an actor.
[Laughing]
God bless you, cliff.
I did a little acting in high school.
I think I was pretty good.
At least it was an escape from so many things.
So go out and be an actor.
What are you bellyaching to us for?
Fat chance. Nobody will give me a look.
I'm going back where I belong, out of everybody's way. Prison is my home.
I called the cops. They're on their way.
Call back. Tell them not to come.
Got it.
Why? Why am I doing that?
Sam...
When Andy shoved that g*n in your face, he was asking for help.
Oh, silly me, I thought he was asking for money.
He stands here as an embodiment of a failure of our penal system.
Yes. This man doesn't belong in prison.
Sam, we... mostly I... can save this man's life.
Well, how are we... mostly you... going to do that?
Never mind that now.
Call off les gendarmes.
Trust me.
Coach: What are you gonna do now, Diane?
Well, I happen to know professor Sebastian DeWitt, one of america's foremost drama coaches.
He can spot an actor a mile away.
Boy, that could come in handy at a drive-in.
Sam: Ok, I called the cops off.
Excellent.
Andrew, listen to me.
Now, you want to be an actor, and I have some experience as a student director in school.
We're going to do a scene...
Diane, what... later, Sam. Later.
Now, if I think you're good enough...
A very big "if," by the way...
But if you are, I'll arrange for professor DeWitt to see you perform.
He has contacts at every theater on the cape.
Wow. Gee, Sam, I never expected anything like this when I came in here to stick up your bar.
Well, you know the old saying.
Use a g*n, go to Cape Cod.
Diane...
Why are you doing all this for me after our last experience together?
Well, I understand what people in the acting world go through.
I did a bit of acting myself in college.
Really? Maybe you could be in my scene with me.
Were you good?
Well, I don't like to brag, but a lot of people loved my work.
Bennington is still talking about my tiny Alice.
Who wants a girl with a big Alice?
I know a bookstore that specializes in theatrical books.
Let's go and pick up a couple of plays. Ok.
Good. Sam, may I have half an hour off?
No.
Oh, you're right. I need an hour.
Diane, can I talk to you here for a second, please?
Excuse me. I'll be right there.
A minute ago, you thought this guy was Jack the ripper.
Now, you're gonna go out browsing with him?
Now I know him.
Sam, look at him.
Does he look like a dangerous person?
The guy has done time.
He made one small mistake.
No, no. He made a big one.
He's a m*rder*r, Diane.
One m*rder does not a m*rder*r make.
Ok, what I mean is, he's not a m*rder*r at heart.
Anyone who loves the theater loves mankind.
I just don't think that somebody should go out with a crazy person.
I can take care of myself.
No, I'm talking about me.
Hie thee, Andrew.
Let us away.
Sam?
I sense that you're uneasy about one of your employees being in danger with me.
Sam, my crime occurred a long time ago.
I was a different person then.
I had one terrible moment of temporary insanity, but I'm much better now.
I'm much healthier.
I can't remember the last time I heard those voices.
Well, I'm glad...
What voices?
Those shrill voices that used to sound like my...
My...
Who?
Mommy.
Oh. Well, I'm glad you got it licked.
Sam, please.
Relax.
I'm better now.
Diane: Come along, Andrew!
Aah!
Oh, you thought...
That... no.
But it wasn't.
There was a hard left followed by 2 quick jabs.
And another left. Oh!
He stepped right into that one.
A left jab buckles him over. The left uppercut misses.
An screaming overhead right glances across his forehead as they go into the corner.
And that's the end of round six.
It's beer time, Sammy.
Hey!
And they're off!
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen.
Good hands. Good hands there.
Keep moving, keep moving. Here we go.
Whoa! Right. There we go.
We got 20 seconds to next commercial.
Let's go! Come on! That's it. Good hands!
Here we go. Go! Good! Good!
There we go. All right.
Come on. Move it along there.
Come on. We got three left.
We got two left. All right.
Sammy, what does a guy have to do to get a beer around here?
I don't know about you, but I think this is the best middleweight contest we've seen in a long time.
I guess no fight fan would want to miss this one.
All right, boys. Off, off, off.
We can't even hear ourselves rehearsing back there.
He's worked very hard.
Professor DeWitt will be here any minute.
Hey!
Come on!
I hope she's showing you one hell of a good time.
Don't be nervous.
You're going to be wonderful.
I'm not nervous.
It's just this week has gone by so quickly.
It's been the best week of my life.
Oh.
Miss chambers.
Professor DeWitt, how good of you to come.
This is Andrew schroeder, a young man who I think is going to surprise you.
I hope so.
I hope so.
You know, when the theater loses its power to surprise, it loses its vitality.
What are you going to show us first?
A scene from othello.
Challenging.
Challenging.
It's certainly nice to see you again, Diane. Thank you.
When you were a student in the department, I could never picture you as a waitress.
Oh, professor, you're forgetting that I played a waitress in your production of bus stop.
Yes, I know.
Have fun.
Break a leg.
Diane...
I can't believe you've done all this for me.
Well, you deserve it.
You're talented and sensitive.
You have a lot of depth.
You know me so well.
Well...
I'm a pretty good judge of people.
You are.
You're wonderful.
I love you, Diane.
Oh, I love you, too.
You guys about ready back here?
The crowd's getting restless.
If they don't hear some elizabethan couplets pretty soon, they're gonna turn ugly.
I'd better get into costume.
Excuse me. Mm-hmm.
All right. Listen up.
You were right about Andy.
I was wrong.
He's been a complete angel all week.
My objections were stupid.
You satisfied?
Of course.
Put it in writing, and we'll be fine.
Not a chance.
I'm sorry that I haven't been around much this week, but it was important to help Andy.
It's been kind of tough.
Yeah.
Well...
Later, when we're alone, we'll go back to my apartment and I'll make it up to you.
What time tonight?
Ah, Andy, hey, ok, let's, uh, let's get the show on the road.
Good luck. Good luck.
Andy, what's the matter?
You kissed him.
I saw you.
Oh! Oh, that's all right.
I guess it's no secret around here.
Sam and I have sort of a thing going.
But... but I love you, and you said you love me.
Oh, dear.
No, well, see...
I was speaking as a friend, Andy.
If I gave you any other impression, I'm sorry.
Really sorry.
I do love you...
As a friend.
Ok?
Sure.
You're not upset?
No. No.
You're not angry with me?
That's ok.
I'll use it in my performance.
Yet, she must die...
Else she betray more men.
Wonderful!
That was perfect.
Put out the light, and then...
Put out the light.
Andy, please, it's time. You ready?
Aah!
Show folk.
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Good evening, everyone, and welcome to talent night at cheers.
This evening, we are going to begin with a scene from William Shakespeare's othello.
I know that I don't have to explain the play to professor DeWitt.
But it might be helpful to some of you if I explain what you're about to see.
I wonder who she's talking about, norm.
I don't know.
In this play, Andrew schroeder, my discovery, will enact the role of othello.
Yo, Andy! Whoo!
This is the story of a man driven by insane jealousy to m*rder the woman he loves because he believes that she is in love with another man.
The scene we're about to do is the scene in which othello actually kills said woman, who will be portrayed by myself.
Did I mention that I'm playing desdemona?
Ok, so...
Without further ado, the strang...
The strangulation scene.
But before we do...
Let's have a little background.
Come on, Diane.
I have a bratwurst sandwich.
No more background. Let's just have the scene.
Uh, Sam...
No, no. You don't have to worry about it.
Really, you're gonna be tremendous.
Let me give you a little kiss...
Don't touch me. I barely know you!
All right. All right. Let's get going.
All right.
On with the play.
In this scene, desdemona is in bed when othello comes in thinking...
Very mistakenly, I can assure you.
He's completely off-base on this one.
He'll be sick about it in the morning.
Thinking that she has been unfaithful to him.
Which, of course, she hasn't.
It is the cause, it is the cause, my soul.
Let me not name it to you, you chaste stars.
It is the cause.
Yet I'll not shed her blood, nor scar that whiter skin of hers than snow.
There. Good.
Well, it's agreed. No blood, no scarring and that's the gist of our scene.
Oh, come on, Diane.
Sam, what's wrong with Diane tonight?
Aw, she just got a little stage fright. That's right.
Hey, Diane, the sooner you start, the sooner you'll be finished.
Who's there?
Othello?
Aye, desdemona.
Will you come to bed, my lord?
Ooh, yeah!
Have you prayed tonight, desdemona?
I would not k*ll thy unprepared spirit.
Talk...
Talk you of k*lling?
Aye, I do.
He's convincing.
There's a real murderous intensity about him.
Then heaven have mercy on me.
Think on thy sins.
Sam, are you sure she's ok?
Yeah, sure. She's just acting, coach.
Well, shouldn't you make sure?
Oh, can you imagine what she'd say if I butted in on her Shakespeare scene?
Take heed of perjury.
Thou art on thy deathbed.
I love it!
A desdemona that fights back!
Help! This psycho's trying to k*ll me!
That's the only line of Shakespeare I ever understood.
I saw you kissing Sam!
I saw you kissing Sam!
Kissing Sam?
Is that in the...
Get someone to help me, will you?
Mommy!
I'll clean up my room, mommy!
What time is the second show?
I...
I hope you fry for this.
Shh. Are you going to be ok?
I'm...
I'm having a little trouble breathing.
No, no. I meant for tonight.