[Telephone rings]
Coach: Cheers.
Carla, it's your little girl.
What?
The baby?
Well, bring her to the phone.
The baby is crying, and they can't make her stop.
I'll try a lullaby.
God couldn't be everywhere.
That's why he created mothers.
And, uh, postal carriers.
Carla: You got her?
Ok. Now, put her ear to the phone.
Sweetie. Sweet... sweetie.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Ok. Oh, good girl.
Good girl.
Ok. Now, listen to mama.
♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ♪
♪ too-ra-loo-ra- ♪
♪ li ♪
♪ too-ra-loo- ♪
♪ ra-loo-ral ♪
♪ hush now, don't you cry ♪ all: ♪ too-ra-loo-ra- ♪
♪ loo-ral ♪
♪ too-ra-loo-ra- ♪
♪ li ♪
♪ too-ra-loo-ra- ♪
♪ loo-ral ♪
♪ that's an Irish ♪
♪ lullaby ♪
[whispering] She's asleep.
Yeah! Yay! Yay!
Thanks, everybody. Thanks a lot.
♪ Making the way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where everybody knows your name ♪
Hey, everybody...
Drinks are on me.
I got my raise!
Hey! Hey!
Congratulations. Good going.
Thank you. Hiya, normie.
Congratulations, cliff.
Thank you.
Ahh, norm.
Normie, normie, normie, normie.
You know...
I know you're a proud guy, norm.
You've been out of work a long time, and I feel I've got to at least try to share my good fortune with you, so, uh...
I know what your answer's gonna be to this...
But would you please allow me to loan you, uh...$500?
Sure!
Uh... Beg your pardon?
Sure. I'd love it. How soon can I get it?
Yeah. You know, norm, my greatest fear was that you'd say no because you'd be afraid it'd, uh, hurt our relationship.
No. Can I get it in cash?
Sure. Yeah. Sure.
I guess our, uh, friendship's pretty solid, huh?
Yeah. I mean, we're the kind of guys who knows what the other guy's gonna say before he even says it, huh?
Yeah, I was wrong this time.
Hey, Sam.
Hey, mort. How you doing? What'll you have?
Let me have a draft.
Sam, you got to help me.
I got big trouble.
Really? What's the problem?
The coach of my kid's youth league baseball team just quit, and I figure you're a natural for the job.
Uh... boy, I'd love to, mort, but I don't have any time around here.
I spend half my life trying to keep this bar on its feet, and the other half trying to keep Diane off hers.
Well, I got to find somebody.
I mean, this is a real good team, Sam.
We got a real chance of winning the pennant here.
Wait a second. Uh, does anyone, uh...
Want to manage the team here?
Sam, want to hear a crazy idea?
What about me?
Well, coach, that's not a crazy idea.
That's a great idea.
Well, I knew it was either one or the other.
Just give me a second here.
Coach, this is perfect for you.
I mean, you've got some extra time on your hands.
You know the game. It'd be good for you.
Come on, Sam. You know I never managed.
The highest I ever got was third base coach.
Mort. Yeah!
Hey, don't worry about it.
You're gonna be great.
Sam, can I talk to you about...
No, no. Not right now. Not right now.
Sam, y-you... you think I can handle it?
Yeah. Of course you can.
Come on, you're not kidding.
I'm not kidding.
Mort, you got yourself a manager.
Hey, great, coach! I'll introduce you to the kids.
They're over at the park right now.
God, things are going so fast.
Sam, I'll be back before you know I'm gone.
I'll probably be back before I know I'm gone.
Sam.
I just got a real strong feeling.
Carla, watch the bar.
No.
What?
I mean, about this idea that coach will manage the team.
I sense disaster.
Oh, come on. What are you talking about?
I mean, the guy's home life is a can of spaghettios and reruns of baretta.
This'll be good for him.
I mean, every guy needs a hobby. Right?
I wish I had time for one.
Norm...
You've got time to make your own coal.
Sam? This is serious.
Everybody knows that there can be a lot of pressure in children's baseball.
The parents take it very seriously.
Well, I'm afraid that they'll take somebody as gentle and guileless as the coach and eat him alive.
You're kidding me.
He's been in the big leagues.
This is not gonna be pressure for him.
No, now, wait a minute.
He was working for somebody else.
He was never the boss.
I'm telling you, I can't get rid of this feeling.
Something's wrong.
Hey, hey. Diane. You can have your feelings, but this is, uh, this is guy stuff.
I mean, there's a...
What, it's a male bond that happens between men that, uh...
Women just don't understand.
Hey, sweetheart, sweetheart, look, this is part of me that is, uh, private, and you're just gonna have to stay away from.
So it's, uh, hands off, no trespassing, keep out, end of discussion.
Really. You know?
Very well.
And from now on, there's a part of me that's "hands off" to you.
Norm: Ooh!
Ooh!
Just my luck, it'll be one of the parts I care about.
Sam, can I ask you a question?
sh**t.
Where do you stand on breast-feeding?
As I recall, I... I liked it.
Uh, no, I mean me, with my baby, in here.
Uh... carla... I guess it's cheaper than a piano player.
Look, Sammy, i... You know, I'm just tired of having to run home to feed her all the time during my shift.
I should've done like I did with all my other kids.
You mean you didn't breast-feed the other 4?
Nah. They went right to raw meat.
Hey, everybody.
Hey! Hey...
Hey.
Say, uh, remember that, remember that money you were gonna lend me?
Oh, of course.
Now, look, you're a friend of mine, you're in need, and I'm here to help you.
I've got your money, yeah.
Look, is a handshake good enough for you?
Sure.
Not for me.
A loan application?
Hey, it's a loan we're talking about here, not a handout.
I don't want to go through this kind of humiliation, all right?
I mean, I wouldn't be asking for this unless I really needed it.
All right, now I got you.
Just kidding around here.
Thank you. This is gonna go a long way to pay a lot of bills.
You know, I really should think of something nice for Vera, too.
Hey, now, how about a candle lit dinner for 2?
Great. Come on. We'll talk about Vera later.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Introducing the titans!
Ohh!
Move it.
Let's go.
Sam: Oh.
That's a well-drilled team, coach.
Thank you, Sam.
Yeah, and look at you, coach!
Thank you, Diane.
Coach, how about doing the honors here?
Oh, yeah. Sure, Sam.
Uh, fellas... This is Sam "mayday" Malone, probably the greatest relief pitcher the game of baseball ever knew.
Then he hit the bottle, and he was through in less than a year.
Remember that.
Hi.
And this is Diane. She's smart.
Uh, let me, uh, introduce my boys to you, Sam.
Uh, this is peewee, moose, juice, goose, the t*nk, the chancellor, the bull, the cannonball express, specs, and dynamic duo.
So, what've you guys been working on so far, coach?
Nicknames.
Well, party's over now, Sam, and we start busting some butts.
I'll have these guys in shape within the week.
Well, there you go.
Now, isn't that always the way with children?
Delightful melding of their innocence with your wisdom.
Yes, we teach them, but they leave their impression on us... aaooh!
Deviate.
Forget it, Diane. I can handle this.
I got a way of communicating with kids.
All right, everybody, file out, except you, specs.
Let's go. Move it! Move it!
Sam: See? Huh?
Ok, ok. Maybe this thing will be a good experience for him, huh?
Yeah, he's standing a little taller.
There's a light in his eyes.
He's like a whole new person.
Specs, you get only one chance to make a mistake on this team.
Go home and tell your mother you're a flop.
A whole new person I dislike intensely.
Hey. C-Coach. Hey.
You're gonna kick him off the team just for that one little incident?
No, Sam, that's not the only reason.
He's leading the league in errors.
The only thing he's had his hands on all week is Diane's keister.
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.
Hi. Dchoo dchoo dchoo dchoo dchoo.
Yee-eee-eee.
Oh, woodju, woodju, woodjie, woodju.
Kee kee.
Nanny, nanny, nanny, nan.
A-goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo.
Kootchie, kootchie, kootchie, kootchie. Kootchie.
Uh... ahem. Who the hell are you guys talking to?
Been talking stupid to a duck.
Oh, we... We kept it quiet.
[Baby cries loudly]
Aw, she's hungry.
[Chuckles]
Ok.
[Baby cries]
Well... Here's dinner.
Hey, whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa. Uh, Carla, come on.
It makes us a little uncomfortable.
Ok, ok! I'll go in Sam's office.
Thank you.
Whatever happened to modesty?
Really. Who would want to look at something like that?
Hey, you guys seen miss June?
Hey, what do we got here, huh?
Hey, hoo, whoo!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Oh, dear. Norm's in season again.
Coach is a little late this evening, isn't he?
Yeah. The game must've gone into extra innings.
How are those titans doing?
They have not lost a game since coach took over.
Coach has lost his sweet disposition.
He's turned into a tyrant.
Yeah, but he's winning, Diane, and winning's the most important thing here.
Well, I don't think winning is the most important thing here.
Well, good. Then you won't mind losing this argument.
Over my dead body.
Hey. Don't bring last night into this.
That's exactly whatit was...
Your last night.
Aw, now, come on.
Come on, I was just kidding, I was just kidding.
Come on, don't be mad. Don't be mad.
What are we arguing about?
I mean... I mean, coach is just being dedicated, that's all.
Yeah, you know, I never thought I'd say this about another man, but coach may have the attributes to, uh, be a good postal carrier:
Dedication, intensity, and single-mindedness.
Yeah, the inability to recognize the word "fragile."
Yeah...
I still say this was a mistake for coach to do.
♪ Don't touch me ♪ it's not a mistake.
I mean, he's... he's got a hobby, that's all.
I mean, he's having fun.
I can stand with physical errors, but I can't stand mental errors!
After this one, boy, somebody's gonna have to go!
What happened, coach? You lost?
No! We won! But by only one run!
What's the point in winning if you can't humiliate the other team?!
You got to intimidate them, Carla!
Crush 'em! Crush 'em! Crush 'em, Carla!
Crush 'em!
Hey, now, there's a fun guy.
W-Well, he's not having the kind of fun you're talking about...
Laughing and giggling and running barefoot through fields.
That's... that's woman's fun.
Woman's fun.
Yeah! Yeah. Coach is having men fun.
I mean, he's... he's active. He's working hard.
He's... he's getting the job done.
Do you believe anything you're saying?
No, I'm lying, but that's another men fun thing to do.
I am going to go talk to coach.
No. Now, come on. Just leave him alone. Leave him al...
Sam, he's obsessing.
I know all the signs.
I had a small obsession myself until I got some help.
You did? Yes.
I was obsessive-compulsive about neatness.
I demanded that everything be in its proper place.
But now look at the...
Look at the laissez faire attitude I have about my apron.
Huh? Now, in the old days, I would've insisted that it be pencil, pen, pencil, pen, pad.
Well, now it doesn't matter if it's... Pen, pencil, pen, pencil, pad...
Or pencil, pencil, pen, pen, pad.
Or maybe even pencil, pen, pad, pencil, pen.
There's one thing I cannot have, and that's this...
Pad, pen, pen, pencil, pencil.
Well, that's just irritating.
Sam, we got any more of those antacid tablets?
Coach, you've been, uh, throwing down a lot of those recently.
Yeah, and a hell of a lot of good they've been doing me.
Hey. Oh, hey. Come... hey, uh... It's kind of busy out here.
Are you working tonight?
Not a chance, Sam.
We play our division rivals tomorrow.
Hey, w-wait a second. You got a job here.
I mean, if you're not gonna do your work, I'm gonna have to, uh, replace you or something.
Listen, Sam, do what you have to do, but stay out of my office.
Maybe we both ought to go in.
Just let me do the talking.
You won't even know I'm there.
Much like last night.
No, no. I'll save my left-hander for Saturday.
What am I thinking about?
I don't have a left-hander.
Coach.
Those boys... Are children, and childhood is supposed to be a time when...
When you're free to play a game just for the fun of it.
You know?
Fun.
That's right.
Fun.
That's it exactly!
Fun! That's why they're making all those mistakes!
They're not having any fun!
Well, they're gonna learn how to have fun!
Or they're not gonna play on any of my teams!
Coach, coach, coach.
Sit down. Sit down right here.
Take... take a deep breath in.
Now, don't you think that you're...
Coach, let it out.
Don't you think that you're overdoing this a little bit?
Sam, come on. You know what it takes to win ball games.
Coach. Coach, you're... You're doing this because you think you have to make up for the fact that you never made it in the big leagues.
But you... you don't have to do that.
I mean, you were a damn good coach.
I was?
You bet.
And it wasn't because you were tough.
It wasbecause you cared.
My god, how many times did you walk me up and down the... the locker room before games, pouring coffee down my throat when no one else would have bothered to do that?
You're right, Sam. I was a lovely man.
But it's not enough, Sam. Look. Look.
I'm a contender for the championship, Sam.
Look, when I go out there, all those parents, Sam, they cheer for me.
They cheer me on!
Really? Wow.
Now, after all we've been through, you're asking me to give all that up?
Well, I... coach.
Tell us this.
Sure, you walk out there, and... and you hear the cheers, but... what is it costing you, coach?
Well, let's see. Uh...
I had to buy a jock strap.
[Knock knock]
Carla: Hey, how's my baby?
I... I'm fine, honey, but I'm a little busy.
Carla, come on in.
[Door opens]
I'm just gonna check her out.
Ok.
Coach.
You do what you want with your team.
Thank you, Sam.
Where are you going?
Oh, please. Leave me alone.
Sam.
[Baby crying]
Aw... there, there, Lucia.
[Baby burps]
Now, doesn't that feel better?
I wish I could do that.
There, there, coach.
[Loud burp]
Thanks.
My pleasure.
Sam? You're not going to accept that?
Look, what...
What... what is the problem you're trying to solve here?
I mean, the coach is happy.
The... the families are happy.
The kids are hap...
Here. Here.
Here are coach's happy little players right now.
Hey!
Are you on the sauce again?
We're miserable.
Yeah. We came to quit.
We can't stand it anymore.
Yeah. The pressure's getting to us.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
All right, maybe you, uh...
Maybe you guys ought to tell the coach to his face.
Yeah, we'd like to do something else to his face.
Yeah.
What are you guys doing here?
They came by...
To quit.
Well, forget it, Diane. Nobody's quitting!
Well, I am!
I can't take it anymore!
You're too hard on me!
I can't sleep. My pets hate me.
I'm starting to smoke again!
I've had enough, and I'm through!
Yeah! Me, too!
So you're gonna quit, huh?
Yep. Yeah.
That's what I got on my hands...
A bunch of quitters, huh?
Yeah. Well, go ahead and quit!
I can go it alone! Who needs you?
Go on, get out of here! Quit!
Thank you! Quit!
Bye. Get back here!
Line up against that bar!
Coach: Hut!
I got a little story for you!
And I hope it just sticks with you for the rest of your life.
Sam, what's a good story?
I don't know.
What's a good story?
Well, coach, why don't you tell them a story about a real mean guy?
Mean guy? Yeah.
Hey, hey... The one you used to tell me, the, uh... The... The pledge of allegiance...
Ooh, him! Yeah! Ohh!
Yeah.
Listen, when I was a kid in school, just about your age, I had this teacher, a real mean guy.
Guy named Mr. Spires.
He always wanted me to learn the pledge of allegiance, and one day, in assembly hall, he had me say it in front of the whole school.
I'd stayed up the whole night before trying to learn it, but when I got up on that stage, I drew a complete blank.
I was lost.
And this Mr. Spires guy says, "nobody in this auditorium's gonna leave until pantusso remembers."
I stood there, and it... It seemed like forever...
With everybody laughing at me.
It was probably the worst day of my life.
And... and the point, coach, is that you finally did learn the pledge of allegiance.
No, Sam, I never learned it.
Yeah, but, uh...
You respected Mr. Spires for trying to help you.
No. I hated his guts, Sam.
But... but looking back on it now, you respect him for...
No! No! He d*ed, and I was glad he d*ed!
Thank you, coach.
I'm sure the guys enjoyed that inspiring story.
I guess I must've said the wrong story.
I... I... I don't know.
No, coach, you told the right story.
Well, w-why did I say it?
Because you don't want these guys to leave here hating you like you hated Mr. Spires.
Holy mackerel.
So that's what you had on your minds, huh?!
Well, listen to me!
Nobody, but nobody's gonna turn me into a Mr. Spires!
You understand?!
And, coach, there's gonna be some changes around here now.
You bet your boots there's gonna be some changes!
From now on, there'll be no 2-a-day practices! You understand?!
You're lucky if you're gonna get 2 a week!
And... any game we play, everybody plays, even the lousy ones, like you, peewee.
You got it?!
And if we win, we win!
And if we lose... Well, tough nouggies!
Yay! Yay! Yay!
Shut up!
Carla...
Give these guys sodas till they drop!
And I'm buying!
Yay! Yay! Yay!
Shut up! Shut up!
Turn around and have your sodas!
Diane...
If we lose tomorrow, it's your butt.
Oh. I'm so happy.
We finally got our coach back.
Yeah. Yeah.
Things are gonna be even better than they were before.
[Sighs]
There's beauty in art.
There's beauty in nature, and I think that applies to human nature, too.
Things are allowed to take their own course, but we have to be tolerant of each other.
We have to...
Your, uh, pad's upside down.
Aah! Aah!