08x02 - Smitten Kitten and a Tiny Boo-boo Error

[bunniefuu]

How you doing over there?

I'm good.

Really good.

You have a lot to be proud of.

Damn right.

Georgetown Law School on a full scholarship.

Phew.

Every mom dreams of the day when they drop their -year-old daughter off at the airport to go to school.

Why are you being such a grouchy, grumpy, grocery-store-cake-buying sourpuss?

My doctor told me that I have something wrong with my heart.

You got plans for Saturday?

I'm gonna get my tires rotated.

Yeah, you are.

You can make anything dirty.

Yeah, I can.

I'm also gonna devote part of my day to mocking you for forgetting our wedding anniversary.

Oh, my God, it's Saturday?

We made it to a year.

Damn it!

I owe Wendy a hundred bucks.

You bet against us?

Yeah, 'cause I figured if we got divorced, at least I'd have a hundred bucks to jump-start my new life.

Are we gonna do gifts?

- We...

- Let me tell you why we're not.

This one sets the bar, then every year it's got to be a little better, and eventually it just spins out of control.

Did you know that on the th anniversary, people give each other actual gold?

I don't need to be shopping for gold at .

But let's at least do a card.

Really?

A card?

Yeah, well, i-if we don't do that, we're just roommates.

No, we're not.

We're gonna have sex.

That's true.

Sex is our card.

And you can lick the envelope.

- Where are you going?

- Nowhere, I just felt like you should be watching my ass as I said that.

Where's your wallet?

I need a hundred bucks.

- Marjorie, alcoholic.

- ALL: Hi, Marjorie.

As you know, I just had a stent put into my heart and I'm feeling pretty great, but it got me thinking that I need to put more carpe into my Diem.

So...

invited my friend Gary to come visit.

We bumped into each other at a sober convention in Chicago a few months ago and we've been texting ever since.

What happened to Wayne?

He's still in the picture.

It's like an episode of Riverdale.

Normally I take things very slow, but why?

I like him, he likes me, I have new moles every week, let's light this candle.

Thanks.

Are moles really that dangerous?

Oh, yeah, they should just call them cancer dots.

- Bonnie, alcoholic.

- ALL: Hi, Bonnie.

If you're wondering if this program works, I just want to say I have been married for a whole year.

Oh, my God, I won a hundred bucks.

Oh, my God, I'm covered in cancer dots.

-- I hate it when we sit at the tables.

The chairs are all wibbly-wobbly.

(wood creaking)

We need the extra room.

Marjorie's bringing Gary.

She's so excited, I had to give my opinion on three nightgowns.

There's three kinds of flannel?

Only one was flannel.

- One was, I think, burlap.

- (Jill laughs)

And there was a racy one with a neckline down to here.

(laughter)

- Hi, ladies.

- ALL: Hey.

This is Gary.

- Hi, Gary.

- Hi, Gary.

MARJORIE: Wendy, Bonnie, Tammy and Jill.

Hi.

Great to put some faces with the names.

How was your flight?

Pilot was flying a little low for my taste, but I'm here.

(laughs)

Oh, Gary.

That was, that was funny?

Maybe he's doing something to her under the table.

So, Tammy, you're the handyman, right?

How's that going?

Going great.

I'm actually about to buy my first truck.

Really?

In this economy?

If it were me, I'd give it six months.

Hmm.

Thanks, Gary.

I mean, you know, you get in too deep, and before you know it, you're living in that truck.

I said, "Thanks, Gary." Ooh, you're the one with the phone permanently attached.

Oh, I don't mean to be rude, I'm just making a quick donation to a charity for underprivileged girls.

They had an ad on Instagram that got me right in the feels.

If it were me, I wouldn't go online.

Yeah, it's too risky.

Just write a check.

If there's one thing I'm good at, it's spending money online.

No, I'm not a robot.

Traffic light, traffic light, traffic light.

Why are you wearing a sweater?

- News flash, you live in California.

- (laughs)

I'm chilly.

Gary, have you ever thought of being a life coach?

Nah, I don't like sticking my nose in other people's business.

- You ready to order?

- Yes, I'll have a grilled cheese.

With your bum ticker?

If it was me, I'd get the Greek salad.

(laughs): Oh, Gary.

Greek salad.

It's sweet the way you look out for me.

(phone chimes)

- Oh, my God.

- What?

$ , ?

I only meant to donate $ .

Wouldn't have happened with a check.

Patty melt?

Hey, Bobbi, Jill Kendall is here to say hello.

Oh, my goodness.

It is such a pleasure to meet you.

You're my hero.

- Oh!

(laughs)

- Please, sit down.

Uh, sorry I didn't make an appointment.

Oh, are you kidding?

You gave $ , .

You can come at : in the morning if you want.

About that...

You have no idea how much your money is gonna help these girls.

This is the largest donation the Inspired Girl Project has ever received.

About that, um, I made a little, tiny boo-boo error.

Um, I meant to donate $ , but I forgot the decimal point.

Silly me.

Um, so, if you could just sh**t me back $ , , I would be so appreciative.

You're asking for your money back?

No, not the money I intended to give, just the money I did not intend to give.

Um, the $ is all yours.

Don't spend it all in one place.

(laughs)

Or do.

This place.

Okay.

$ is very generous and we can do a lot with it.

Sorry to interrupt, but the girls would like to perform a song to thank Miss Kendall for her donation.

- No song.

- Yeah, no song.

(TV playing indistinctly)

What do you think they're gonna do, Bonnie?

Think they're gonna love it or think they're gonna list it?

If it was me, I'd list it.

Oh, my God.

"If it was me." I'm turning into Gary.

- Stop pretending to be asleep.

- Well, then, go home.

No.

Home is where the Gary is.

Oh, he's not that bad.

You've had one lunch with him.

I've had three days.

Did you know I open my mail wrong?

"You're supposed to do it on the end so you don't accidentally rip a check." - That's not bad advice.

- Yeah, but I didn't say to him, "Hey, Gary, any thoughts on how I open my mail?" I'm telling you, you wouldn't last five minutes with the guy.

Challenge accepted.

Adam and I are having dinner with them - on Saturday.

- Oh, God, why?

Because she's my friend, and she's a million years old and she found herself a million-year-old fella who's into her.

I think that's worthy of my support.

Well, speaking of support, Gary's gonna have a few thoughts on that bra of yours.

Nothing creepy, just advice about materials.

So are Bonnie and I just gonna share you like divorced parents - until Gary leaves?

- (laughs softly)

Honestly, the more I try to be nice to him, the more I want to a little bit m*rder him.

Mm-hmm.

Aw, that girl's adorable.

Is this the charity you took $ , from?

I prefer to see the glass as $ full.

I'm just teasing.

bucks is a lot.

(gasps)

It gets them two new computers for their science lab.

And look, a thousand dollar donation gets girls after-school tutoring.

It feels so good to share with the less fortunate instead of always thinking about me, me, me.

(chuckles)

Hey, I didn't get a mug.

$ is mug level.

Where's my mug?

Oh.

"The Inspired Girl Project provides programs, "resources and mentors to at-risk girls so they can grow into empowered women." Fine, I'll let the mug go.

You know, a lot of these girls are in the foster system.

Man, this would've been a game changer for me.

Music camp?

(scoffs)

I'd be a professional flutist by now.

Flautist.

Well, whatever, I'd be rolling in flautist money.

Then I could make a donation to this charity and I'd actually let them keep it.

(mouths)

Mmm.

My fish is delicious.

How's your dinner?

I don't know, I can barely find it, it's so dark in here.

Oh, there it is.

So, what do you do, Gary?

I was a middle school vice principal years.

When he retired, they named a snack bar after him.

What is going on with your steak?

You ordered medium rare.

It looks like a shingle.

It's fine.

- Waiter, waiter.

- Gary, he says it's okay.

Well, I am not letting him eat that.

- Is there a problem?

- Well, you tell me.

My friend's steak here is so overdone I could play hockey with it.

Gary was a goalie.

I'm sorry, sir.

We'll make another.

It'll only be minutes.

minutes for medium rare?

You know, if it was me, I'd try .

So Adam's just gonna sit here while we eat?

I'm fine.

I'll take another Scotch.

There's so few times I wish I could join you.

This is one of them.

(laughs)

Happy anniversary.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What'd you just say?

- Anniversary?

- Yeah.

I did not realize it was today.

Congratulations.

- How long you been married?

- One year.

And you're spending it with us?

You know, my first anniversary, I took my wife to Hawaii.

Breakfast buffet every day.

We didn't want to make it a thing.

Well, I am making it a thing.

Everybody.

A toast.

Happy anniversary to Bonnie, and...

what was it?

Adam.

It's hard to remember 'cause it was the first name ever.

We had a great time!

Let's do it again!

They can still see us, so if you're gonna say something negative, just do it with a smile.

He's my least favorite person on the planet.

Just had a chance to run him over.

- Didn't take it.

- If it was me, I would have done it.

The nerve of that guy, telling me white chocolate isn't real chocolate.

Get off my jock, Willy Wonka.

Bonnie, he told me how to operate my wheelchair.

(scoffs)

Okay, okay.

Gary is her new boyfriend.

We've got to stop bad-mouthing him.

- You're right.

You're right.

- No more.

We're done.

(laughing): Oh, oh, oh.

We didn't talk about what he said to the valet.

"You should organize your keys alphabetically by car name." As if he doesn't know how to organize keys.

The guy's entire life is keys.

(both laughing)

Ah, I wish Gary was here so he could tell us how to do that better.

Why'd you bring him up?

I could have gone again.

I'm gonna say something to Marjorie.

She deserves more than that guy.

- Please don't do that.

- Why not?

She might pick him over you.

I'm not asking her to pick.

She might feel like she has to.

You don't know what you're talking about.

(laughs): Yeah, I do.

It's why I'm not friends with Mitch anymore.

- What?

- (sighs)

He is not a big Bonnie Plunkett fan.

He went off about you one day, so...

I ended our friendship.

That lying sack of dirt doesn't like me?

The point is I choose you.

And you tell me this on our anniversary?

- The point is I choose you.

- What, exactly, did he say about me?

The point is I choose you.

What did he say?

He said you're loud, opinionated and stubborn.

That's fair.

Hey, Jilly-Jill.

Hey, Shawn, what you got for me today?

So many good things.

Start at the feet and work our way up?

That's how my boyfriend does it.

I know these don't look comfortable, and they're not, but how gorgeous are they?

Meghan Markle just wore them to a Mommy and Me, and now you can't find them anywhere.

Love.

How much?

Enough to pay for computer coding classes for at-risk girls.

- I'm sorry, what'd you just say?

- $ , .

Right.

Of course.

Imagine them with these pants.

They're handmade Italian leather, and they could send girls to science camp, which would basically change the world.

(quietly): What is happening?

- Excuse me?

- Uh, nothing.

What about this little slice of heaven?

Hmm!

It's actually on sale for hot school lunches, like the one your friend Tammy never had.

Oh, my God, I'm in hell.

You're right.

I hate it, too.

What if I told you your bag came in?

Wait, the bag?

- The bag.

- (gasps)

Oh, my God, yes!

Okay.

Go ahead, ring me up.

Walk away.

Oh, Bonnie.

Glad you're here.

Oh, hey.

Now that you've spent some time with Gary, what do you think?

I've got to be honest.

He is amazing.

Good.

That means a lot to me, 'cause I'm one smitten kitten.

Aw, I bet you're gonna miss him when he goes back to Chicago.

I know I will.

- Can you keep a secret?

- Not really, no.

A few more visits like this one and I might let Gary pack me up in his suitcase and take me to the Windy City.

Whoa, that's a little fast.

Well, I'm not getting any younger.

You know, Victor and I, we used to talk about going to Paris.

And I thought it would be too expensive, so we put it off and we put it off, and he d*ed.

Life is short.

I'm sure it'll feel longer with Gary.

Oh, wow, that's a snazzy pocketbook.

Yep, very special.

Only five of 'em in the world, blah, blah, blah.

What's wrong, sweetie?

Yeah.

Normally when you get a new purse, you hold it up like The Lion King.

I know.

A bag like this usually gives me a buzz for three to six business days, but I feel nothing.

I look at it, nothing.

Touch it, nothing.

Nothing.

Maybe you should have bought something with batteries.

- (laughing)

- What?

Gary just sent me the funniest Far Side cartoon, where the cats are smarter than humans.

- Oh, Gary...

- Oh, Gary...

(movie playing indistinctly)

Hey, Jill, what do you got in that candy basket?

Oh, there's Mars Bars, Nestle Crunch, Twix, Red Vines, Kit-Kat, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and M&Ms.

No Good & Plenty?

No, just the seven I mentioned.

I'll pass.

You like Twix.

Not for a movie.

Who brings a man to ladies movie night?

I mean, it's Beaches, for God's sake.

And if he doesn't sob when Barbara Hershey dies, I swear to God...

Shh!

Did I just get shushed in my own damn screening room?

Oh, he's big on the shushing.

He probably shushes Marjorie during sex.

(chuckles)

He does not.

Hey, birds in the back row, if it was me, I'd go to another room.

It's a big house.

Plenty of choices.

Unlike your candy selection.

Between you and me, I do have Good & Plentys in the pantry, but I am not getting on a step stool for that man.

Wow.

You know, this really is gorgeous.

Yeah, who cares?

What?

I hope you know you ruined shopping for me.

I used to love spending money on myself.

Now all I can see is a bunch of little Tammys getting screwed out of opportunities they deserve.

Wow, look at you, caring more about other people than about how you look.

Oh, now, that can't be true.

All right.

Which one makes you happier?

Think faster, the purse is heavy.

Empowered little girls, or a dead cow with a scarf on it.

Damn it!

We had to get out of there.

Gary and Marjorie are sucking face.

Okay, I have to ask.

What does she like about that man?

I can't figure it out, and I find the good in everybody.

I'm an alcoholic.

My name is Gary.

ALL: Hi, Gary.

I see you do the one aisle down the middle.

I mean, if it was me, I'd do two aisles.

You know, more end seats.

Or do folks not have to pee in Napa?

(laughing)

My sobriety date is April , .

My wife was pregnant with our son, and, uh, you know, she'd had it with me.

She threw me out, and I thought, um, great, I get to drink the way I want.

And that is the scariest thought I ever had in my life.

I realized that I was...

picking alcohol over my family.

So I ended up in a meeting, and I've been sober ever since.

And my son is years old now, and, uh...

he's struggling with his own addiction.

It's brought me to my knees.

I mean, the other day I was at a meeting, and, uh, you know, I hadn't heard from him in-in months.

I was spinning.

You know, I-I could just picture him overdosing somewhere, alone.

And, uh, my buddy came up to me, and he, uh...

he pointed to this-this shaky newcomer across the room.

He was a young guy, and he said to me, "You know, that's somebody's son, too.

Why don't you see if he wants a cup of coffee." Now I get to sponsor that kid.

And... he's doing great.

Maybe... someday a guy will get my son a cup of coffee.

You know, I used to drink because I didn't know what was gonna happen.

And now I stay sober... for that same reason.

And are we absolutely sure that the number on this check - is the number you want to give?

- Sure am.

Then brace yourself 'cause I'm coming in.

This place is amazing!

An -year-old just programmed a robot to scratch my back, and now I'm headed to the kitchen garden to learn how to plant bok choy.

Come on!

Ah, looks like you got a new little girl in your program.

- Do you do music here?

- We do.

You should probably hide the flutes.