How much? Six million.
But that's ridiculous. It's worth 30.
It'll have to be split up. We'll lose at least 40% of it.
Enough!
What?
I am Clouseau, and justice will be done in the name of the "lew."
One year ago today, Inspector Jacques Clouseau, the Police Academy's most illustrious graduate, disappeared.
We felt it appropriate to broadcast this commemorative program from the Academy, where a new generation of police officers are about to receive their shields.
The question on every Frenchman's mind is, "What has happened to France's greatest detective?
"Why haven't the authorities been able to solve the mystery?"
Tell the police commissioner I want to see him.
Oui, Monsieur Président.
The president himself gave the order!
And at 3:00 this morning, the commissioner woke me up to say he was putting me in charge. Me!
And I've got one month to make Operation Paragon a success.
Otherwise, I'll be back on the vice squad staking out pissoirs for what is left of my career.
Operation Paragon?
Yes. The President's idea.
If France's greatest detective is missing, then get the world's greatest detective to find him.
And how do you find the world's greatest detective?
By computer. The Commissioner's idea.
Interpol has computer files on every law enforcement agency in the world, and I am supposed to program the computer to select Clouseau's clone.
But Clouseau...
You know he was an idiot, and I know he was an idiot, but the rest of the world sees him as a fearless deductive genius, another Sherlock Holmes, and that's the type of man we are now looking for.
Then you have a problem.
Yes, because a man like this might find Clouseau...
A horrible thought.
What's the alternative?
I don't know.
I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't.
A series 600 Huxley computer.
You can program it by voice command, you know.
Ouais. Observe this. Activate.
Aldous. Ready, Dave.
Aldous can even recognize people's voices.
Amazing. Elementary.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus, Sûreté, vital statistics, please.
Coming up, Dave.
What's the delay? Lots of material.
Well, just give me an abbreviated version then.
All right. Charles Larousse Dreyfus.
Born Marseilles, April 1, 19...
Skip that. Skip that.
What is the subject's present occupation?
Subject's present occupation...
Chief Inspector, Criminal Division, Sûreté.
How's his health?
Last complete physical examination...
January 7th, this year.
Chronic hypertension.
May, 1978, suffered nervous breakdown and was committed to the state mental...
Skip! Sorry.
Do you want to ask him anything?
Yes.
What are the odds that the greatest detective in the world will find Clouseau?
Even money. Take your pick.
Well, aren't you being slightly optimistic?
Not at all.
Why? Are you afraid he'll drive you crazy again?
Cool it, Aldous.
Just responding with an obvious observation.
I hope I didn't offend you, Inspector Dreyfus.
Not at all.
By the way, it's Chief Inspector Dreyfus.
Shame on you, Aldous.
Nobody's perfect. Have a happy day.
Yes?
Prisoner Steiger has arrived.
Show him in.
Come in.
Wait outside.
Sit down.
Maurice Steiger... 15 years for bank robbery.
How much was it?
About 150 million, give or take a few francs.
And it's never been recovered.
It must be hell, sitting in prison, dreaming about what you could do with all that money.
It's not so bad.
I'm a model prisoner. I come up for parole in six months.
Yes, but there's always the chance that the Parole Board will turn you down.
I see.
I tell you where the money is, you put in a good word with the Parole Board.
No.
Listen...
It took a computer genius to embezzle
150 million francs from the Bank of France, and I have a problem that requires a computer genius.
You help me solve that problem, and in 6 months' time, you'll be a free man, living out 150 million dreams, give or take a few dreams.
What's your problem?
Can you rig a computer so that no matter what I program into it, it will select the exact opposite?
Black is white? Day is night?
Exactly.
What sort of computer?
A Huxley 600.
There is only one of those in this country.
How are you going to get me into Interpol?
I can't.
Then how do you expect me to rig it?
I don't. I expect you to tell me how to rig it.
The President has just arrived, and is being greeted by Sergeant Duval of the Sûreté and Secretary General Dulong of Interpol.
And now we switch to Michelle Chauvin, who is about to interview the star of these proceedings.
Good morning, Michelle.
This is Chief Inspector Dreyfus of the Sûreté.
You are the one who is going to program Aldous to select Clouseau's successor?
Yes.
No.
He is not going to be Clouseau's successor.
Why not a she?
What?
Well, couldn't it just as easily be a woman, or are you purposely programming it to be a man?
No, no. We are just trying to find the best, the most qualified...
The most like Clouseau?
Yes.
To paraphrase an old saying, set a great detective to find a great detective.
Exactly. But he or she will not be Clouseau's successor.
I mean, they won't be going to work for the Sûreté...
I hope.
Excuse me.
The President has just arrived.
In a few moments, Aldous the computer will select from the files of all the law enforcement agencies in the world the one man or woman most qualified to solve the disappearance of France's greatest detective.
And screw up my entire life.
Just over a year ago, while investigating yet another theft of the famous diamond, the Pink Panther, Inspector Clouseau seemed to vanish from the face of the earth, leaving behind one of France's greatest unsolved mysteries.
Not to mention the 4,000 francs he owes me.
And now, working on the theory that the best person to find Clouseau is someone almost exactly like Clouseau, Chief Inspector Dreyfus will program Aldous the computer with a character profile of Inspector Clouseau.
That's going to put a hell of a strain on poor old Aldous.
Obviously, Mr. President, so as not to limit our choice, I will omit sex, height, weight, race, and nationality.
Ready, Aldous? Ready, Charles.
Age... 61.
Senior officer.
I.Q...
Genius.
Specialities...
Judo, kung fu, Okinawan weaponry, karate expert...
Black belt.
Expert ma... Ma...
Marksman.
Fearless.
Courageous.
A born leader.
Sir.
Is that it, Chief?
Select.
Coming right up.
What is he humming?
It sounds like Moon River...
Backwards!
Chief Inspector Dreyfus is obviously nervous.
The President and the Commissioner are waiting tensely as the moment draws near.
Ladies and gentlemen, after thoroughly searching the records of 13,623,055 candidates, I have come up with your man.
It's a man.
From the 11th Precinct of the New York City Police Department, I give you... A little drum roll, please...
Got a light, big boy?
Cliff, broads don't call guys "big boy" anymore.
Right, Charlie.
I thought you didn't smoke.
I think it kinda goes with the look.
Thanks.
I don't believe it! He's gonna blow their cover!
That's a nasty cough you got there, lady.
You shouldn't oughtta be smoking.
I lost a contact lens.
What?
I lost a lens.
I'll look for it later. Can we just do with one?
I can't see without it, and it cost me 85 bucks!
I'll lend you the money, for God's sake.
Oh, my... I found it.
Get it. Come on, let's go.
Well...
See you later.
He's gonna blow it.
He's gonna blow it.
Stay with him.
Don't forget the guys we're after put a little old lady in the hospital.
I can't believe the lieutenant would let a screw-up like Sleigh work this kind of stakeout.
The lieutenant's been under a lot of pressure lately.
Yeah? What kind of pressure?
Sleigh.
He's been driving the lieutenant bananas.
Maybe he hopes Sleigh will end up like the little old lady.
Come on.
To tell you the truth, that thought has passed through my mind.
Stop! Stop! Back up, back up, back up!
Stop! Stop! Go forward. Go forward.
Now, stop!
Hi there, beautiful.
Pardon me, I...
I feel that I know you.
Are you by any chance...
Sheila Swanhill from Petoskey, Michigan?
Well, if not...
Are you her sister, or in any way related to the Swanhill family?
Obviously not. If you were, you would have recognized me by now.
Allow me to introduce myself. Harley Hamilcar Ill.
I'm in cement.
Did you know that Petoskey is the cement capital of the world?
Some drunk's trying to pick him up.
She had a cousin named...
Lindtrude.
My name's Derina.
Derina!
You have a lovely voice.
You do Something to me Something that Simply mystifies me Tell me Why should it be You have the power to hypnotize me?
It's getting out of hand.
...live 'neath your spell Do do that voodoo that you do so well What are you doing to me?
A real h**ker's just joined the party.
What's all this dancing around?
I'm going in.
Not only did you screw up the stakeout, but another little old lady was mugged.
To make matters worse, we're the laughing stock of the whole 28th Precinct, and by the time those crumbs get through spreading it around town, we'll be the laughing stock of the whole g*dd*mn New York City police force!
With all due respect... What respect?
What do you know about respect? You sure as hell don't respect me!
Oh, yes, I do.
I got an ulcer, I'm losing my hair, and you're driving me straight to the funny farm!
You call that respect?
What happened tonight was not entirely my fault.
Three years on the police force, you don't know how to handle a common drunk?
You had to be there.
Sleigh...
If it wasn't for the fact...
That you're a third-generation police officer, and that your father was not only my captain but my daughter's godfather and a close personal friend of nearly 20 years, I'd have you back doing guard duty at the public library!
I request no special attention because of my family.
Don't tell me what you request!
I owe your old man!
Your grandfather talked me into being a cop!
He used to walk the toughest b*at in Boston.
All he carried was a rolled-up newspaper!
He still carries it.
Until this came, I was a desperate man faced with two choices...
Retirement or murdering you.
Gee, I don't know what to say.
Fortunately, you don't have to say anything.
The Police Commissioner said it for both of us.
Congratulations, Sleigh.
You're assigned to special duty with Sûreté.
Sûreté? Me?
Paris, France?
There must be some mistake.
Oh, undoubtedly.
I trust you'll bring this error to the Commissioner's attention.
I considered it.
But then I remembered the immortal words of Theodore Doppler, the Goose Bay Strangler, whose death sentence was commuted two minutes before they pulled the switch.
"Never look a gift horse in the mouth."
Bon voyage, Sleigh.
My bag.
Hey, business is booming since Clouseau disappeared, huh?
Yeah. My books show an increase of 18% since February.
Gambling accounted for half a billion.
Nearly double last year.
You think that's good?
Wait'll you hear the rundown on dr*gs and prostitution.
Hold it a second. It don't take a genius to know that when Clouseau isn't around, business flourishes.
Still hard to believe. You ever meet the guy?
Yeah, I met him once. He acted like a real idiot.
Facts are facts.
If this American detective is as good as they say he is, we're gonna have Clouseau right back in our laps.
Maybe Clouseau isn't just missing.
Yeah. Maybe he's dead.
Can't take that chance.
So what do we do?
We get rid of the American.
I'll call Galucci in Chicago, have him put out a contract.
Trans World Airlines StarStream, Flight 24...
For Chicago and Dayton...
Will depart from Gate 39.
Passengers may proceed to the gate area for check-in.
Trans World Airlines StarStream, Flight 24...
For Chicago and Dayton...
Will depart from Gate 39.
Passengers may proceed to the gate area for check-in.
Excuse me, please, but where I check in?
Check in? Check in.
Right over there.
How did it happen?
We don't know. He fell from a balcony.
Never got a sh*t at him.
When does this Sergeant Sleigh land?
11:20 tomorrow morning. TWA.
You want us to hit him at the airport? Right.
Ray, this time no slip-ups.
It's very nice to see you.
We've been waiting for you.
Yes, Commissioner?
Yes, quite remarkable.
It seems the computer certainly picked the right man for the job.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Yes?
Detective Sleigh has arrived.
Show him in.
Detective Sergeant Clifton Sleigh.
How is he, Doctor?
He'll be here for a few weeks, but he's very lucky.
We just got him in time.
He could have choked to death on that goldfish.
Can I see him?
Yes, but don't stay too long. He's very tired.
Hello.
I won't stay long.
I wish I could say the same.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Are you in much pain?
My leg hurts, but my throat is k*lling me.
You nearly choked to death on a goldfish.
Where is he?
I don't know. I don't think they kept it.
Not the fish! Detective Sleigh!
He waited around until he heard you were all right, then he went over to Clouseau's apartment.
But he said he'd be back to see you this evening.
Wonderful.
He said he wanted to make it up to you by solving the case as quickly as possible.
You know, François, I have a horrible feeling we are seeing history repeat itself.
What do you mean?
When they were pulling out the goldfish, I remember thinking, "Did Clouseau have any relatives in the States?"
You mean... Oh, but that's impossible.
You programmed the computer yourself.
Compared to me, I'm afraid, Baron Frankenstein was a quack.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Inspector Clouseau Museum.
This is Balls. Is this Cato?
No. This is Sumo the night janitor.
Mr. Cato is in South America.
Merde! I am not giving you any merde.
Where's the money?
I don't know anything about any money he owes you.
If you want to get in touch with him, he can be reached at the Rio Hilton.
More merde!
And the same to you, Professor.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Cato.
I thought you said your name was Sumo and that Cato was in South America.
Only where Professor Balls is concerned.
Inspector Clouseau disappeared owing the Professor 4,000 francs.
And he keeps threatening to close down the museum and take back all his disguises.
I'd give him something on account, but I only make enough to pay the utilities and keep myself in Ying Gow San.
I don't believe I know the dish.
It's my girlfriend.
I'm sorry I att*cked you.
You thought I was from the collection agency.
No. I know who you are.
I was hoping I could b*at you up so badly you might give up trying to find Inspector Clouseau.
Why don't you want me to find him?
Because he used to b*at me up so badly I kept wishing he would disappear.
There's an old Chinese saying...
You speak Chinese?
No.
Well, the nearest English equivalent would be, "Never look a gift horse in the mouth."
Would you like some tea?
No. I've got to cr*ck this case, and I'm on a tight schedule.
Tell me about this Professor Balls.
He used to make all of the Inspector's disguises.
As a matter of fact, he was the last one to see the Inspector alive.
You don't say.
That's him.
Can I help you?
Yes. I'd like to see Professor Balls.
There is someone here to see the Professor.
Professor Balls?
Do we know each other?
I'm...
I'm a police officer.
I was in Zagreb visiting my half-brother at the monastery.
I only want to ask you a few questions.
Nevertheless, I have a perfect alibi.
For what?
For practically anything.
I am a law-abiding citizen. Right, Cunny?
My little friend here will back me up.
Right, Cunny? All right, Cunny, that's enough.
All right, all right! Down!
He's been with me for 20 years.
Sometimes he thinks I'm his girlfriend.
He is also the best fitter in Paris, monsieur.
In all of France, for that matter.
He can whip you up a very nice suit with two pair of pants while you wait.
What do you say? No, you see, I'm investigating...
Of course you are investigating.
You are a policeman!
I knew that the moment you walked into my emporium...
Your courage, your alertness, the way your eyes take in everything.
I immediately said to myself, "Balls, this is a policeman's policeman."
Thirty-two. Thirty-two.
Twenty-two. Twenty-two.
Six... Four... Twelve.
Yes, well, I have been servicing the police all of my life, monsieur.
Some of my best customers have been the police.
Chief Inspector Clouseau himself used to come into my shop here three or four nights a week just browsing, finding an odd nose, a unique goiter, a carbuncle, perhaps something in a nice hump.
Yes, I personally designed und ex*cuted all of his famous disguises.
Take, for example, his last and greatest disguise.
He was due to pick it up on the day he disappeared.
It probably would have saved his life.
Behold, the Instant Companion Kit.
How many times have you been on a case and discovered you were being followed?
How many times have you wished that you had just one diversion that would confuse your pursuer, allowing you time to escape?
Well, here we have the perfect diversion.
Life-size, und instantly inflatable.
One switch of the valve, and you are checking into a hotel as man and wife.
Two twists, ménage à trois, ja?
As Chief Inspector Clouseau, the king of disguises, said to me when we tested the prototype, "Balls, as disguises go, the Instant Companion Kit
"is without peers."
I can let you have it for... 6,000 francs.
6,000?
Four. Get the doggy.
And to round out the ensemble, I throw in the Instant Companion Pet for All Seasons.
Observe.
Behold, here are little wheels concealed in his paws.
Every 30 feet, he barks and goes ca-ca.
4,000?
All right, 3,000, including the leash and two extra cans of ca-ca.
How about 1,500 for the entire ensemble and all the ca-ca?
I've got to get this stuff off my hands.
That makes three attempts on my life in two days.
I am lucky. I have only had one.
I can't tell you how sorry I am.
That makes us even.
I can't tell you how sorry I am.
I guess I was just too gung-ho.
Gung who?
It's an American expression.
It means... "All fired up," full of spirit and determination.
Do you know what this opportunity means to me?
I'm a third-generation police officer.
My grandfather and my father were captains.
Your family must be very proud of you.
They still can't believe it.
Neither can I.
Me, out of all those millions.
My grandfather tells everyone it's a practical joke.
I'm sorry. Oh, don't be.
This is my chance.
If I succeed, then I've proved once and for all that I'm a credit to the force, that I'm a Sleigh.
Well, credit to the force, where do you go from here?
Well, since Inspector Clouseau disappeared while investigating the theft of the Pink Panther, I thought I'd visit the scene of the crime.
Then you're off to Lugash? I leave on the next plane.
You leave? Good. I mean, good luck.
Thank you.
You know, I just want to tell you how grateful I am...
What time does he arrive?
The 1:30 plane from Paris.
You realize what happens if he finds that cursed diamond?
You'll have to return the money to the insurance company.
And I've already spent it.
What's the alternative?
Make sure he doesn't find the diamond.
Well, obviously the first thing to do is to figure out how the thief got in.
I don't think we've got a thing to worry about.
That's what they thought about Clouseau.
He suspects Sir Charles Litton, the notorious Phantom.
He's booked the evening flight for the south of France.
The south of France should be beautiful this time of year.
Unless you happen to fall off the Grande Corniche.
I just had word that he's arrived in the south of France.
When he left Nice airport, he was followed by two members of the Lugash secret police.
It appears that President Haleesh would rather have the insurance money than the diamond.
When you take into account that the mob has already tried to k*ll him three times to stop him from finding Inspector Clouseau...
Chief Inspector.
I don't think that we've got anything to worry about.
Still, all things considered, I'm glad you had the surgery.
Even though you're temporarily incapacitated, in the long run, I'm sure it will be more than worth the time.
Sure, pal.
Tell him he's here.
He's here.
Sergeant Sleigh. Yes, sir.
Let me introduce you to my nephew George.
George. How do you do?
Hugo, chair. Mr. Chair.
And my wife.
Hello. How do you do?
Hello.
So... You're investigating the Clouseau case.
Yes.
Allow me, sir. Thank you.
You wouldn't by any chance be related?
To Inspector Clouseau? No, but...
But it's funny you should ask me that.
The president of Lugash asked me the same thing.
Really?
What about a drink, Sergeant?
Oh, no, thank you.
Darling, the Sergeant's on duty.
It's not that.
Then what about a nice cup of tea?
Actually, it's a lot better for you than coffee.
It's got about half the amount of caffeine in it.
I'm sure that's true, but I'd simply die without my morning cup of coffee.
Anyway, what were you saying, Sergeant?
I...
You were saying about the investigation of Inspector Clouseau.
Yes.
Allow me, sir.
You wanted to know if Clouseau questioned me about the theft of the Pink Panther.
Yes. Yes.
He questioned me.
He did?
Oh, yes. He questioned me three days after the robbery, on the third of August, to be precise, at 1:15.
He stayed for lunch.
And fell in the pool.
But why in the world would he think that you would know anything about the theft of the Pink Panther?
Oh, come on, George.
I mean, I'm sure the sergeant is totally up-to-date on my somewhat checkered career.
Right, Sergeant?
I mean, after all, a man who for almost 30 years has been thought to be the notorious Phantom, the cleverest jewel thief in all of Europe.
But Uncle Charles, it was never proven that you were the Phantom.
No, nor that you took over where I left off.
But, George, you can understand why he was suspicious and why he wanted to question me.
Oh, sure.
And then, when he was satisfied that I was completely innocent and couldn't possibly have had anything to do with it...
Because we were in Barbados with George at the time of the robbery.
...then Inspector Clouseau took off for Valencia.
Valencia?
Well, that leaves me with just one question.
You said Valencia?
It's in Spain.
That Valencia!
Thank you very much.
Good-bye.
Good-bye. Sir Charles.
Lady Litton.
He fell in the pool!
You're kidding.
You're sure you don't want a bathrobe or something?
Oh, no. I've been enough trouble.
It's a warm day. I can dry off on my way to Spain.
Well, good-bye, Sergeant.
Good-bye.
Bye-bye, Sergeant. Bye-bye.
What do you think he'll find in Valencia?
Not very much, unless he gets his glasses fixed.
Take me to the nearest hotel.
I thought you spoke English.
Check.
Don't get too close.
That's him.
Holy merde!
I'm allez-ing as fast as I can, man!
You said you didn't speak any English!
Don't you know that French cab drivers are notoriously unreliable?
You sound like an American to me.
Pick, pick, pick.
Damn! Who the hell's trying to k*ll you?
I don't know!
Maybe they're trying to k*ll me! Who do I know that wants to k*ll me?
No, it couldn't be my wife. She doesn't drive.
Well, whoever it is, you've got to try and lose 'em!
When somebody's sh**ting at you, you gotta do better than try!
Come on, come on, come on...
Yes.
Something to eat?
No.
Beer, please.
Deux beers, s'il vous plaît.
Lovely here, isn't it?
It's a filthy habit.
Another?
No. Let's go.
Let's go, Shirley. Come on.
No, I can't.
Come on. Let's go.
Say good-bye.
Bye-bye.
What? You want to get a room here?
You do?
I speak English. Good. Do you have a room?
For how many persons?
Just me and the little woman.
How long are you planning to stay?
Just... One night.
200 francs. Checkout time is 10:00 a.m.
Told you not to mix your drinks.
The bridal suite.
Do we have a bridal suite? We have now.
Have a pleasant stay...
Mr. Smith.
Thank you.
Shirley! I'm sorry.
Yes, this is Monsieur Smith.
I would like to make a call to Paris. St. Mary's Hospital.
Paris? Yes.
St. Mary's Hospital. Chief Inspector Dreyfus.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus. And it's important!
Oui, Monsieur Smith.
Hurry! Right away.
Excuse me.
I'm interested in Monsieur Smith.
Yes?
Hello, this is Sergeant Sleigh.
Oh, yes. Where the devil are you?
I don't know the name of the hotel...
But somebody's following me.
They tried to sh**t me on the way to Nice.
Oh, my God. Hold on, I'll be right with you.
Hold on a sec. I've got to put the cork in.
What cork?
What do you mean? Hello?
Hello? Are you there?
Hello!
Why don't you answer?
I'm sorry, but things are getting a little out of hand.
Now, where were we?
Yes, the location of the hotel.
Well, it's in the...
South of France...
And it's on a small street...
Look, I don't know what the point of this is, because even if I knew where I was, you're there, and I'm...
I'm dizzy. Dizzy?
I'm really dizzy. Why are you dizzy?
Must be the gas.
Gas? Why don't you open the window?
That's a good idea.
That's better.
Hello?
Are you there?
The expl*si*n severely traumatized your left eardrum, but if you are careful and avoid all loud noises, partial hearing should be restored in a few days.
What about the ringing?
I'm afraid that might take longer.
It's very loud. I keep wanting to answer the telephone.
Just take the medicine I prescribe and plenty of rest.
All right. Thank you, Doctor.
What if I can't distinguish the difference between the ringing in my ear and the phone?
That could be a problem.
What?
It may not last much longer.
I couldn't stand it if it did.
Where is Sleigh?
On his way to Valencia.
Valencia?
A tip, from Sir Charles.
There! It's getting worse!
He just checked in.
Very convenient. Right down the hall. 311.
Not in the hotel.
When he goes out tonight, all those fireworks out there, nobody's gonna notice a little sh**ting.
We can't miss.
Yeah. But just to make sure, I've hired a backup.
Mr. Chong.
Who the hell is Mr. Chong?
He's a ninja, the most powerful human k*lling machine in the world.
Visualize energy as a gathering storm.
It flows to the hand.
The hand consigns it to the primary object.
As the primary object is destroyed, it is consigned to the secondary object, and so on...
Like an atomic chain reaction.
I will demonstrate.
We have a problem.
Sergeant Sleigh has arrived in Valencia.
I understand.
One moment.
Sergeant Sleigh wishes to speak with you.
He's here?
No, he's on the other line.
Tell him I'll be right with him.
Listen, he's just called. I've got him holding on the other line.
Not a word! Of course.
Hello.
Chief Vigila here. What can I do for you, Sergeant?
I'm investigating the disappearance of Inspector Clouseau.
What?
Wait a minute. I'm sorry, I can't hear you. I'm gonna close the window.
What?
I'm going to close the window.
What?
What are you talking about?
Okay, I closed it.
Thank you for your cooperation. I'll be right over.
Will you hold him, please?
You should be ashamed of yourself, young man.
Where's the police station?
Over there, by the palazzo.
Thank you!
Don't lose him!
Go around that way!
Come on!
Hi.
Hi. Hey, you're the girl from the elevator.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Is anything the matter?
Look, you're not gonna believe this, but some men are trying to k*ll me.
You're right. I am?
I'm not gonna believe you.
No, seriously. They were just sh**ting at me outside.
Look, are you alone? Yes.
Have you got a table? Yes.
Would you mind being my Instant Companion?
Your instant what?
Look, normally I wouldn't impose, but my other one blew up.
I'll explain everything to you on the way. Where's your table?
Do you see them? No.
Well, if you see them, kiss me.
Kiss you?
Well, they're not looking for a couple.
That's the Instant Companion theory.
Do you know Professor Balls?
Who?
Professor Balls.
Do you see them? One of 'em.
Where? Over by the door.
Don't see him now.
Strange. He's gone.
Are you sure you saw them?
Of course. That's why I kissed you.
Of course.
Wait a minute.
You don't think I pretended to see that guy just so I could kiss you!
The thought did occur to me.
There he is again!
Do you see him? He's gone.
I don't believe it.
I saw him both times.
You don't believe me, do you?
Does it matter?
Well, whether you saw the man or not, I quite enjoyed it.
You did? Didn't you?
Well, now that you mention it, I guess I did.
Well?
Think I see him again.
Good.
See what I mean?
I certainly do.
I'm kissing you, and I don't even know your name.
Don't worry about it, sweetheart. You're kissing a dead duck.
Garbage!
Look, she doesn't have anything to do with this.
That's a shame.
Excuse me.
Listen, I still don't know your name.
Clifton.
Catch me, I'm gonna faint.
I'm coming!
I'm going!
Don't worry about a thing. I've got these guys just where I want 'em.
Look out!
Oh, no!
Now I'm mad!
Now I'm hurt!
Sweetheart, are you all right?
Come on, let's get out of here.
Clifton!
Oh, boy.
Oh, no!
Wait. This way.
Why? I have to see the chief of police.
No! Why not?
I can't explain.
Good-bye, Clifton.
Hello?
He hasn't shown up yet.
He just went into the hotel.
I'll be there. Ten minutes.
Good.
Yes, this is Sergeant Sleigh in Room 311.
Can you tell me the name of the young lady in Room 310?
Juleta Shane. Thank you very much.
I knocked on your door.
I told the bellboy I was your sister.
I don't think he believed me.
Did I wake you?
No, why?
Well, you're wearing my pajamas.
Only the top.
Does it bother you?
No.
I charged the champagne to your room. I hope you don't mind.
I don't mind at all.
Here's to the rest of the night with an option on tomorrow.
I can't stay.
See, I had a very important meeting with the chief of police...
I couldn't let you just run off like that. I had to find you.
But... Now that I have found you, I have to keep that meeting.
I'm a...
I'm a police officer.
Police.
And I'm working on a case, a very important case, and I think I'm getting close to the answer.
I think that's why those men were...
Were trying to k*ll me tonight.
By the way, where did you learn to fight like that?
I was raised in the East End of London, where you had to learn how to fight if you wanted to keep your integrity.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
I won't be here.
Why not?
Because I won't.
I'm touchy about throwing myself at a man and then being rejected.
But I'm not rejecting you.
Then stay. I can't.
But I want you.
Oh, God.
Now.
Couldn't you just hold out for maybe half an hour?
No.
Twenty-five minutes. I'll run.
I can't wait.
But you don't understand. This is my big chance.
Don't blow it.
No, I mean to prove once and for all that I'm a good cop.
And I want you to prove it too.
I mean, to my family...
To Lieutenant Palmyra and the 28th Precinct...
My goofy grandfather and his rolled-up newspaper, and my father's medals, and his citation from the governor for bravery.
You don't understand.
Oh, my God, I sound like Stan Laurel.
I've got to go.
I hope you're here when I get back.
What?
Here's to being here when you get back.
I'll drink to that.
What's wrong? Juleta?
Oh, my God.
Get a doctor! It's an emergency!
Room 311. And send the police!
Probably a powerful tranquilizer.
She'll recover, but she'll be unconscious for hours.
I recognize her.
She's the Countess Chandra's personal secretary.
Her name's Juleta Shane.
Her name is Julie Morgan.
She has been with the Countess for seven years.
Who's this Countess... I ask the questions, señor Sleigh.
Sergeant Sleigh.
Is that "Slay," as in "k*ll"?
No, it's "Sleigh," as in "one-horse open."
Why did you sh**t her?
I didn't. I'm a New York City police officer working with the Sûreté.
Yes, investigating the Clouseau case.
Yes, they said you would say this.
You have my identification. Excellent forgeries.
Look, I can clear this up with one phone call.
After you have answered some questions.
I've told you everything.
Bring him along.
What kind of tranquilizer is it?
I don't know.
Come on.
Get out of the way!
Hey, come on! Move, move!
I'm a police officer! I'm a police officer!
Hey, come on! Move! Move it!
Hey, what are you doing?
After him! After him!
Move!
Fool, you've lost him! This way!
Good evening, Sergeant.
Hello, Mr. Litton.
Can I give you a lift?
As a matter of fact, yes.
Hop in.
Good morning, George.
Look what I found.
Sergeant, you're up early.
I haven't been to bed yet.
Come aboard.
Well. You look like you need some breakfast.
Have a little pineapple or something. Darling, you remember Sergeant Sleigh.
Of course I do.
Hello, do sit down. Thank you.
Would you like a cup of coffee? Oh, yes, please.
I'll get that. Thank you.
Obviously, those are not your handcuffs, so you don't have a key.
Darling, may I borrow your manicure set?
Oh, yes, darling. Thank you so much.
I'll time you on that, Uncle Charles.
All right. This should do it.
Here you are. Thank you.
I feel I owe you an explanation.
You see, there was this young lady who said her name was Juleta Shane.
Juleta. What a pretty name.
Yes, but her real name was Julie Morgan.
I know a Julie Morgan. Didn't she work for Countess Chandra?
Yes.
Twelve seconds, Uncle Charles.
Oh, stop, George. That's not fair. You're rushing him.
Yes. Don't rattle me, George.
Anyway, somebody sh*t her.
No.
With a dart. With a dart?
A tranquilizer. Imagine.
Oh, my God, it's beyond me.
Yes. It was somebody in one of those big heads.
Big heads?
Yes, they had an air g*n, and just as we were about to drink some champagne...
Pop! Right in the back of the neck.
Right. There we are.
28 seconds, Uncle Charles. You're getting a little rusty.
Well, all right, George. You try the other one.
All right. I'll time you.
Terrific. Ready? Go.
I really appreciate this.
And you're not aiding and abetting a criminal.
Thank God for that.
You see, I was falsely accused. Of course.
And now it's imperative I find this Countess Chandra.
Didn't she own an exclusive health spa in Majorca?
Still does. Ten seconds, George.
Don't rattle me.
Majorca. I've got to get to Majorca.
We're going there, on our way.
And we'll be very happy to give you a lift.
Really? Yes.
Gosh, that's terrific! I go there every year.
Charles won't try it. He was in the infantry... You know, all that mud.
Mud?
Well, how'd I do?
Not bad. I just b*at you. Sure you won't have a pineapple?
Okay.
Thank you, Countess. I'm very grateful.
It's been my pleasure.
We have a problem.
Julie's in the hospital.
The man who Chief Vigila says sh*t her with the tranquilizing dart has escaped.
Chief Vigila claims the man was impersonating Sergeant Sleigh.
Doesn't make sense. Julie knew what Sleigh looked like.
Sometimes it is possible to look like one person, but actually be another.
My God!
It's fantastic!
Oh, darling!
Don't kiss him too hard. His lips might fall off.
What?
Just a little surgical humor.
Here, have a look.
Happy?
Is that the Litton yacht?
You can't see the spa from here. It's about a quarter of a mile inland.
Sure would like to case the layout.
That won't be easy.
Have you tried that?
No. It looks like fun.
No, looks like su1c1de.
Oh, no!
Are you all right?
Yes. Yes, I think I am, thank you.
I'm Countess Chandra.
Sergeant Sleigh.
Lucky you landed in the mud. Yes. It's hot mud.
Volcanic. It's good for the skin.
Doesn't do much for the clothes, I'm afraid.
Would you like to rinse off? Yes, I think I would.
This way.
Straight ahead. To your left.
Big step.
I'll get you a towel.
I'm investigating the disappearance of Inspector Clouseau.
You just missed Chief Vigila.
He says you're an imposter.
Oh, he does, does he? Well, I'm not.
And I want some answers.
Julie Morgan, also known as Juleta Shane, knows who I am.
I'm so glad Julie's going to be all right.
How bizarre! A tranquilizing dart!
Who do you think sh*t her?
I thought you might know.
Why me? She works for you.
Lots of people work for me.
What Julie does in her own time is her own business.
My God.
Yes... I know that.
You!
Yes, it is me.
I'm just checking the bar for the bar fleas, you know.
Swine step!
You really should do something about your architect, you know, my darling.
Darling? Yes, my darling?
You're smoking the wrong end.
Yes, I know that.
You don't have to tell me I'm smoking the wrong end.
Do you know why I am smoking the wrong end?
No, darling, but I'm sure you've got a very good reason.
Right.
I am smoking the wrong end because I have a very good reason.
Are you all right?
Yes, of course I'm all right. I'm examining the roof.
Can I give you a hand?
Thank you.
Obviously you are not a smoker.
I'm sorry.
Do you realize you are wearing my ice bucket?
I'm sorry. It's stuck.
Yes, well, that is no problem. I am an expert in these matters.
Bend down.
Bend over.
Here, let me help.
Yes, it is a question of leverage.
Yes, that is better.
It goes with the suit, you know.
Oh, by the way, we have not been properly introduced.
You of course know who I am?
Sergeant Sleigh.
No, I am not Sergeant Sleigh.
No, I am Sergeant Sleigh.
Oh, yes. Now we are getting somewhere.
Shall we all have a drink? An excellent idea.
I will have my usual.
A Kahlúa and root beer.
I'll just have the root beer.
You do not know what you are missing.
It is a combination that makes a real thirst-quencher.
I'm a teetotaler.
You total the tea. I thought you were a police sergeant.
I am. Before I left New York, I read you were making another movie.
He had two weeks off.
Yes, I have two weeks off, you know, and when I have the time, I come here to take the waters.
Very cleansing.
I enjoy a good cleanse.
I'm afraid there's no more ice.
That's okay.
Well, here's to your investigation, Sergeant.
To Inspector Clouseau.
Chief Inspector.
That felt good.
Have you ever seen this man before?
No, I have never seen this man before in my life. Never.
It's Inspector Clouseau. Chief Inspector.
That's Inspector Clouseau? Chief Inspector!
Do you know him?
Yes! What?
Well, he came here about a year ago, but he said his name was Gino Rossi.
He wanted the name of a good plastic surgeon, so I recommended Dr. Prosper Stang, of Madrid.
Well...
Guess that just about does it.
It does?
Yes. There is one more thing, though.
Could I have your autograph?
It's for my grandfather.
Hello, oui. Hello, François.
Oh, it's you!
Good afternoon. Where are you?
I am in agony.
I want you to arrange for a hospital plane to carry me back to Paris immediately!
And ask my psychiatrist if he can see me five days a week, twice a day!
Have you heard from Sergeant Sleigh?
He called about five minutes ago from a health spa.
Health spa?
Oui. He asked me to check on a man named Gino Rossi, then he said he was leaving for Madrid, to question a plastic surgeon named Stang.
Yes, well, good-bye, Sergeant, and don't be a stranger, huh?
Thank you. See you at the movies, huh?
Yes.
Cheerio.
Did that swine architect of yours move that door by any chance?
There goes the last of our problems.
Yes. Come on.
Where are we going?
Let's celebrate. I haven't seen it for such a long time.
Well, I have not been too well, you know?
Not that! The Pink Panther!
I was just checking.
Oh, my God!
It's gone!
Swine Phantom!
I interrogated Dr. Stang, who admitted that he had operated on Clouseau's face.
This is what he looked like after the operation.
He stole the Pink Panther, had his face changed, and then called himself Gino Rossi.
And you are sure he's dead?
Well, according to... The Valencia...
Go ahead.
You wanted to say something? No, no. After you.
You're sure? Yes, please.
All I wanted to say is that the Valencia police identified the man in the photograph as a John Doe who had been sh*t, and whose corpse was found washed up on the beach.
Obviously k*lled for the diamond.
Obviously.
Should we have the body exhumed, just to make sure?
No.
I have compared Clouseau's fingerprints with those of the dead man, and they are identical.
Oh, yes. There is no doubt that Clouseau is dead.
A good cop gone bad.
Yes, well...
You've certainly proved that you are a good cop, Sergeant, a credit to the profession.
On behalf of the President and the people of France, I congratulate you. Good-bye.
Thank you, sir.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, Mr. Rossi, alias Chief Inspector Clouseau.
Peace at last!
Well, bon voyage, Sergeant. Well done.
You should come again sometime. Thank you.
Help! Help!
I'm burning! Hurry up!
Get the hose!
The hose!
There!
Hurry up! Pull!
Help!
Help! Hurry up!
Hit the water!
Help!
Check.
Mate!
Beautiful.
Do you recommend Countess Chandra's?
Definitely. In fact, I'd love to go back there and spend more time.
By the way, I seem to be missing a glove.
"Always leave something for something," is my motto.
What's yours?
Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
I'll drink to that.
Pink Panther, Curse of the (1983)
Moderator: Maskath3