04x04 - Yokel Hero

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

(sighs)

Oh!

Why do they schedule the charity softball game on the hottest day of the year?

I know it.

I'm all hot and sweaty, I'm short of breath and I'm physically exhausted.

You'd think I had a good time.

You didn't have fun?

Only thing I really enjoyed was stealing second base.

When have you not enjoyed sliding under a man in uniform?

It's hotter in here than it is outside.

Oh, no.

Of all days for the air conditioner to break down.

We'd better call the repairman.

His number's in the kitchen.

So is the ice cream.

We can have some while we're waiting.

Ma, what are you doing?

I'm giving the leftover meat loaf a thrill.

What do you think?

It's hot as hell.

Close it before the food spoils.

OK.

I meant the refrigerator.

I'm gonna call the repairman.

I already did.

He said he'd be over in 15 minutes.

That was three hours ago.

Well, let's break out the ice cream.

What's this?

I froze my underwear to stay cool.

I'd lend you a pair, but on you I'm afraid they'd melt too fast.

I don't believe it.

This is incredible news.

I've been nominated for St.

Olaf woman of the year.

That's nice.

Did the new TV Guide come yet?

Blanche, you don't understand.

In St.

Olaf this is the highest honor there is.

I never dreamed that someone as unqualified as I am would ever be nominated for anything so important.

I guess Dan Quayle really opened the floodgates.

Last year Gretchen Lillehammer won for running into the burning library and saving all the books.

That is amazing.

How'd she do that?

She took two books in one hand and one in the other and ran like the dickens.

Your library only has three books?

What happens when a person's read them all?

I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

(knock at door)

I'm gonna go to my room and write down my achievements.

You know, it doesn't matter whether I win.

I mean, just being nominated is enough.

That's a good attitude, Rose.

It's also a crock of bull.

I want that sucker bad.

This is Fred.

He'll fix the air conditioning.

Thank God.

This heat's driving me crazy.

You're not the only one.

The old lady next door is running through a sprinkler in her underwear.

There's no old lady living...

Ma!

This is unbearable.

It must be 110 in here.

I'll tell you a very simple way to b*at the heat.

Imagine yourself in a cool place.

Like a snowy, windy mountaintop in Colorado.

With a ski instructor named Fritz.

And a bearskin rug and a bottle of brandy and a crackling fire.

My God, Dorothy, it must be 120 in here.

Morning, Rose.

Dorothy, sometimes you can be so cruel.

Honey, what's the matter?

Everything.

I just found out I'm the most boring person alive.

Did something happen to Regis Philbin?

No.

I was listing my accomplishments for the St.

Olaf woman of the year.

It wasn't till I saw them in black and white that I realized my top accomplishments aren't worth a damn.

Oh, come on, now, Rose.

You're forgetting how much you give to people.

How about your work at the counseling center?

That's right.

You must help hundreds of people every year.

All I do is talk to them.

Big deal.

Well, it is a big deal.

Do you know how much a kind and loving word means to a person in despair?

That is your gift, Rose, and I wouldn't take it lightly.

You're just saying that.

I haven't added anything to the world.

Look, Rose.

God doesn't make mistakes.

We were all put on this planet for a purpose.

Blanche, you're here to work in a museum so that art can be appreciated by humanity.

Dorothy, you're here as a substitute teacher to educate our youth.

Rose, you're here because the rhythm method was very popular in the '20s.

OK?

I'm going to the movies.

Good-bye.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, come on.

Rose, you just got up.

With my life, it's not like I'll miss anything.

Poor Rose.

I hate seeing her so upset.

She's not very good at judging herself.

She can't see her accomplishments as we can.

You know something, maybe all this résumé needs is just a little punching up.

Exaggerate the truth?

Create wild stories just to impress people?

Dorothy, you can't do that.

I know.

That's my specialty.

Let's see here.

"Found a baby robin that fell out of its tree and returned it to its nest." Make that a baby eagle.

"Baby ea-gle." And it happened during a big rainstorm.

"Rainstorm." Which caused a mighty flood that covered all the land.

Oh, come on.

Blanche, nobody in his right mind is gonna believe this story.

This is going to St.

Olaf.

"Which caused a mighty flood..." Honey, are you feeling better?

A little.

I tried this technique I read about to cheer myself up.

You stand in front of a mirror and you tell yourself, "I love you," and then you give yourself a great big hug.

Yeah, my son Phil used to do that all the time.

He couldn't pass a mirror without saying, "I love you." I can't tell you how many times he got punched out in the men's room.

(doorbell)

We are the St.

Olaf woman-of-the year panel.

Does Rose Nylund live here?

I'm Rose Nylund.

Aren't you a little overdressed?

I told you we didn't have to wear a tie.

Allow us to introduce ourselves.

I'm Len, this is Sven, and this is Ben.

We are the Toppelkoffer triplets.

How odd.

You don't look anything alike.

Oh, really?

Well, back in St.

Olaf, nobody could tell us apart.

You can imagine all the fun we had playing tricks on our teachers in school.

Which of you brothers has custody of the brain?

So, what brings you guys to Miami?

Wait a minute.

I'll bet this has something to do with the St.

Olaf woman-of-the-year award.

No wonder she's a finalist.

Did I win?

Not yet.

A lot would depend on verifying the facts in this here biography.

(Rose)

Oh, this is so exciting.

Let me get us some refreshments before we start.

(Dorothy)

Make yourselves comfortable.

Sorry it's hot.

And here we are in the middle of a heat wave with no air conditioning.

Not necessarily.

If Rose wins, you'll be flown to St.

Olaf to attend the ceremony.

Well, this year I was planning to watch it on TV.

You know, if all goes well with this here interview, you can start packing right away.

Oh, I don't think I'd bother Rose with an old interview.

You'd just embarrass her.

She's so modest.

I'm sorry, but we must conduct face-to-face interviews with all the candidates.

Here we are.

I made some nice, hot cocoa.

Now, Rose, tell us how you got up the courage to save that eagle.

It was just a bird.

What about saving that there school bus?

I just gave it directions.

There was a bridge washed out on the road ahead.

Really?

Wait a minute.

I can't take credit for those things.

Rose, please.

Gentlemen, you're embarrassing her.

I mean, the woman is a saint.

And she's far too modest to take credit for any of her good deeds.

So what do you say?

Do we have a winner here or not?

Rose Nylund, you are St.

Olaf's woman of the year.

(all)

Oofda!

(PA)

Ladies and gentlemen, the fasten-your-seatbelts sign is now off.

If anyone knows how to fix it, please report to the flight attendant.

I don't get it.

Why did we get off that jetliner in Minneapolis and switch to this rickety old thing?

Because the jets are too big to land at St.

Gustave.

St.

Gustave?

I thought we were flying to St.

Olaf.

St.

Olaf doesn't have an airport.

The only way you can get to St.

Olaf is to fly to St.

Gustave and then take land transportation to St.

Olaf.

Even the birds do it that way when they migrate.

I don't believe this.

Could be worse.

We could be going to Beaver Falls.

Beaver Falls?

That's my stop.

I just can't believe we're on our way to St.

Olaf.

Oh, I'm so excited.

You girls are gonna love it.

But I guess everybody thinks his home town is pretty special.

I do.

I'll never forget when I went back after many years, it was just as I remembered.

Garbage in the street, prostitutes in the doorways, a couple of guys hanging from their heels in the town square...

I can't go on.

Got a handkerchief?

Honey, why are you getting all teary?

Sicily sounds just awful.

That wasn't Sicily.

That was my first apartment in Brooklyn.

Well, I'll tell you, the best part of this whole thing is sharing the most important moment of your life with your best friends.

We're just happy to be with you when you get your little plaque.

Oh, Blanche, it's more than a plaque.

In St.

Olaf it's the highest honor.

We all think of it as a reminder that no matter how bad things may be in the rest of the world, St.

Olaf is still a place that's filled with honest people leading honest lives.

Well, we're just really proud of you, Rose.

I'm sure, Rose, that there is nobody who deserves that award more than you do.

This is the captain speaking.

We are about to begin our descent to St.

Gustave airport.

At least I think it's the airport.

Wow, in 20 minutes we'll be in St.

Gustave.

Then we'll hop on a train for Zumbro Falls and we'll grab the shuttle.

By my estimation we should be in St.

Olaf in a couple of days.

(all)

Days?

I will never forgive that airline as long as I live.

I can't believe they lost our luggage.

I have to go a whole weekend without underwear.

Yeah, and you usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.

God, I hate fog.

Why?

You've spent most of your life in one.

I meant if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.

What's Mount Losenbaden?

It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of presidential elections in the mountainside.

Let's see.

There was Alf Landen, Wendell Wilkie and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.

Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?

Blanche, isn't it obvious?

He lost twice.

Oh, God, it's making sense.

Come on.

From the other side of the train we'll be able to see Lake Losenbaden.

What's that in the shape of?

A lake.

I think we'll just sit here.

I'll go with you, Rose.

I'm a sucker for natural beauty.

And a gin and tonic.

Let's find the bar car.

Blanche, I'm glad we're alone.

There's something I think we should do.

Dorothy, I like you as a friend, but I think I'll pass.

What?

What?

What did you mean?

Well, I think that we have to tell Rose what we did.

I have been thinking the same thing.

If they ever find out about those lies in her biography, she'll be the laughing stock of St.

Olaf.

Shh.

Here they come.

Girls, girls, I just realized we're about to go through the Zumbro Falls tunnel.

Rose, honey, listen.

There's something we want to tell you.

Not now.

We could be in trouble.

People have vanished off the earth when they go through that tunnel.

Honey, that's just ridiculous.

Hold on.

Here we go.

(Blanche)

Rose, listen.

It's about your biography, honey.

There's something in there that...

Well, what is the word I'm looking for?

I don't know exactly how to say this.

Wait a minute.

Where's Ma?

Oh, my God, no.

The curse of the Zumbro Falls tunnel.

Sophia!

Ma!

(Sophia)

What?

Ma, where are you?

Are you all right?

(toilet flushes)

(Sophia)

I am now.

I can't believe this is the shuttle to St.

Olaf.

How you doing up there, Ma?

Fine.

Sophia, why don't you want to sit back here with us?

Because after three days on the road with you guys, this jackass smells better.

Thank you.

Look at that beautiful sky.

That's one of the most wonderful things about being here.

It is beautiful.

It looks like you could reach those stars.

I can't tell you how many people in St.

Olaf have fallen off their roofs trying.

Rose, are we anywhere near St.

Olaf?

We're getting close.

Look, there's the old tree house.

Gee, when I was a kid my best friend Ingrid and I used to go up there all the time.

Oh, gosh, I miss her.

I haven't talked to her in ages.

Why don't you give her a call?

Maybe I will.

Sure.

Hey, Ingrid!

(woman in distance)

Is that you, Rose?

Well, how are you?

Fine, Ingrid!

How are you?

Oh, fine.

Well, nice talking to you.

Bye, Rose.

Bye, Ingrid!

Oh, thank you, Blanche.

That was a great idea.

It's great bringing two idiots closer together.

I think that's the motto of the St.

Olaf telephone company.

I'm getting nervous.

Just think, tomorrow I'll stand in front of the entire town and be crowned St.

Olaf woman of the year.

Are you Rose Nylund?

Yes.

Oh, it's an honor to drive the woman that b*at out Emma Immerhoffer for St.

Olaf woman of the year.

I b*at Emma?

Yeah.

We thought she'd be a sure win.

Running the orphanage, taking in the homeless, running them soup kitchens.

Emma did all that?

Oh, she's a saint.

How did I ever b*at her?

Rose, there's something we have to tell you.

You see, what Blanche and I did was...

well...

What Dorothy's trying to say is that we love you so much, and we wanted you to win so bad that we fudged some of the things on your biography.

Fudged?

Fudge makes it sound cute.

You lied.

We embellished, Rose.

Rose, you do good things.

I mean, you are the kindest, most decent human being we know.

You deserve to win.

But you lied.

I'm not going through with this.

I can't go back home and do something that's against everything I stand for.

I'm gonna call St.

Olaf and tell them we're not coming.

Driver, stop at the first phone.

Good morning!

Isn't it great to be home?

Absolutely.

You know, I have an irresistible urge to kiss every piece of furniture in the house.

You wouldn't if you had dates like other people.

Oh, hi, Rose.

Oh, Rose, come on.

You're not still mad because we changed your application?

Honey, we're so sorry.

I just hate it when you're mad at us and get like this.

OK, you're forgiven.

Oh, that was easy.

Well, I thought it all over and you were just trying to help me.

And I can't stay mad at my best friends.

After all, we've eaten over 500 cheesecakes together.

Besides, you weren't raised in St.

Olaf.

It's not your fault you're chronic two-faced liars.

(Harry)

Hello!

Oh, Dr.

Harry Weston, and I'm not dressed, thank God.

Hi, neighbors.

Welcome home.

Hi, Dreyfuss.

Hi, Harry.

What brings you here today?

You called and told me you were here.

Remember you asked me to save your mail for you?

Oh, yes.

So I did.

Thank you, Harry.

You're just about the sweetest thing in my whole zip code.

I don't know why I haven't had you...

over to dinner.

Well, that would be real nice, yeah.

I've also been meaning to talk to you about an examination.

Blanche, I'm a pediatrician.

Harry, I'm not sick.

Well, now I really have to go and so does Dreyfuss.

That's why we're taking a walk - because we both really need to go.

That's not what I mean.

I mean I'll be walking, Dreyfuss will be going.

See you all.

Come on, Dreyfuss.

(all)

Bye, Harry.

Boy, I know the prescription for me.

One of him every four hours.

Is this for me?

It's from St.

Olaf.

Blanche.

What was all that stuff with Harry?

You know, the man has not dated since his wife d*ed.

You can't spend your whole life in mourning, especially when you're the most eligible bachelor in town.

In Sicily we have a simple rule.

If your husband dies, you wait 20 years or until you grow a mustache.

Blanche, we all had an agreement.

No one dates Harry until an appropriate amount of time has passed.

I know.

18 months.

I have it marked on my calendar with a big, red circle.

As of today, that man is in play.

I'm just amazed I was able to wait so long.

He is so sophisticated and charming and rich and handsome.

He fairly screams Blanche.

At least he will before I'm through with him.

Girls, look.

It's the St.

Olaf woman-of-the-year trophy.

It says here I won woman of the year after all because I embody the values of truth and honesty for which the award stands.

What happened to Emma Immerhoffer?

She was disqualified.

They found a skeleton in her closet.

What was it?

Mr. Immerhoffer.

This thing isn't solid gold, is it?

Oh, no.

You just peel off the gold foil and it's pure milk chocolate.

Oh, that's the loveliest trophy I've ever seen.

I'm gonna get a Kn*fe.

Rose, there is no way that we can tell you how proud of you we are.

There is.

Congratulations, Rose Nylund.

You are St.

Olaf's woman of the year.

(all)

Oofda!