05x23 - The Mangiacavallo Curse Makes A Lousy Wedding Present

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Morning, Dorothy.

I didn't want to hear it from Bryant Gumbel, and I don't want to hear it from you.

Problem?

I still don't have a date for Jenny's wedding.

My own goddaughter, and I'm gonna show up alone.

How humiliating!

Ma, don't rub it in.

I meant for me.

I called every guy I know, and they all came up with the same lame excuse.

What?

"I don't want to go." Good morning!

Dorothy, do you have a date yet?

I don't want to go.

Dorothy.

I'll get you a date.

You can borrow one of my extras.

What kind of guy would you like?

She's not picky.

Yes, I am.

Right.

You could circle the globe without finding another Stan.

Look, why do you care if I have a date?

Family honor.

Especially at this wedding.

What's so special about this wedding?

Dorothy's goddaughter is marrying the grandson of Giuseppe Mangiacavallo.

(spits)

So?

Let her tell the story.

When I was 14 in Sicily, my father arranged a marriage with a neighbor's son.

My dowry was two chickens, a ladle and a goat to be named later.

We came from a wealthy family.

But the day of my wedding, as I stood at the altar, the boy I was to marry was on a cattle boat headed for America.

That night, on a tear-stained pillow, I put a curse on him.

A curse?

Nothing fancy.

I remember I said, "Giuseppe Mangiacavallo, from this day forward, "may you and all your future generations "never know true love.

"May you be sterile, and may all your offspring be sterile.

"May your hair never lie flat, and may your socks always slip down inside your shoes." And this is the same Giuseppe Mangiacavallo who is the grandfather of the groom?

Now you see why I want us to look good at this wedding.

Look, Ma, I don't know how to break this to you...

Gently.

I'm old.

Giuseppe Mangiacavallo has had a fabulous life.

He's in his 80s, he's a multimillionaire, and enjoys perfect health.

Well, it's a very slow-acting curse.

So it would appear.

That's the beauty of it.

He's been lulled into a false sense of security for the past 70 years, so I don't want you showing up like a wallflower and blowing my big moment.

Sophia's right.

Oh, Dorothy, come on.

Borrow one of my men.

One of my many, many, many, many, many, many men!

All right.

All right.

For Ma's sake.

Let's see.

You're going with Howard...

Dr. Howard.

How about Doug?

Oh, Dorothy, not Doug!

I couldn't possibly.

He's on my A-list.

I mean, come on, Dorothy.

He's a judge.

He's fun to be with, and I haven't paid a speeding ticket in six months.

You know, this is why I hate doing this.

You always do this, Blanche.

You always keep all the good guys for yourself and you give us the leftovers.

You know what your trouble is?

Of course not.

You're only generous when it doesn't mean anything.

But you won't give if it's going to hurt.

Hey, Dorothy, you could always call Claude Hughes.

Oh, come on, Ma.

Claude Hughes is the dullest, ugliest man I know.

So what's the problem?

He didn't want to go.

Uh, Ma, now that you've finished, could I see that?

Next time I'll ask you to hand me the candlestick.

Look, Ma, it's not so terrible if I go to the wedding alone.

Hi, Rose.

It's not fair.

I don't deserve these kinds of problems.

Oh, honey.

Maybe I can help.

I live to help.

I'm a great friend.

Contrary to popular belief.

Miles can't take me to the wedding.

He's going to be out of town at a teaching seminar.

Now I can't go.

That shouldn't keep you from going.

Oh, I have my reasons.

It's a long story.

Gotta run.

Now, what's this all about?

Well, it started 40 years ago...

Oh, my God.

At my wedding in St.

Olaf's Great Shepherd Church.

Oh, it was beautiful.

Especially when all those balloons dropped from the ceiling.

You had balloons in the church?

Well, it's not as if we filled them with air.

We learned our lesson.

You put air in them, and the St. Olaf Boys' Choir would use them to make those disgusting noises.

Go on with your story, darling.

I care deeply.

Well, after the wedding, Charlie and I had the most exciting, passionate night of our lives.

After that, whenever we'd go to a wedding, we'd end up going home and putting on the cast album of Song of Norway, and going crazy on each other!

What are you saying, Rose?

Weddings get you hot?

Yes.

I mean, it was fine while Charlie was alive, but oh, I'll never forget that first wedding after he d*ed.

So now you see why I can't go if Miles is gonna be out of town.

I might end up almost going to bed with the caterer again.

Rose, I want to help, but first you have to tell me what the problem is.

Oh, Rose, honey, you have nothing to worry about.

We wouldn't let you do something you'd regret.

That's what I was gonna say, I swear.

You're such good friends.

You hear that, Dorothy?

You're trying too hard, Blanche.

Well, you hurt me with what you said.

Oh, Dorothy, let me get you somebody hot off my A-list.

Somebody tall, good-looking, goes with everything.

Doug?

How about an ex-racecar driver?

Speaks five languages, has three car dealerships.

Has a slight limp, so he can only dance in a circle, but that works at a wedding.

Doug.

I got an anesthesiologist, but you won't feel anything.

Doug.

All right, Doug.

But listen.

Don't you forget, you be careful.

This man is on loan from the Blanche Devereaux collection.

(Dorothy)

Oh, what a beautiful wedding.

And, Ma, nothing went wrong.

A curse doesn't work in a church.

Too many statues.

Give it time.

Is it just me, or did anybody else notice the buns on that priest?

Rose, honey, take it easy.

Breathe deeply.

It'll be all right.

Don't worry, honey.

Nothing to worry about.

We're here to look out for you.

Oh, I just hope the band doesn't play the St. Olaf Wedding March.

I think the chances of their playing that are pretty slim.

I don't know.

It got awfully popular after Laurel and Hardy started using it as their theme song.

(♪ soft music)

We're gonna have to keep an eye on her.

Mm.

Dorothy, I'm gonna find Mangiacavallo.

I want him to see the tasty little morsel he let slip through his fingers.

Where's Doug?

Oh, he's checking our coats.

Blanche, I want to thank you.

You know, he's really a very nice guy.

Well, that's fine for you, but I don't know why I even came.

This is the last time I ever date a doctor.

Imagine dumping me for an emergency appendectomy!

I just hate it when doctors use the Hippocratic oath as an excuse for everything.

Blanche, it was his appendix.

Sorry that took so long, Dorothy.

Shall we sit down?

Yes, let's.

(laughing)

Sophia!

After all this time.

I was hoping you'd come.

I wouldn't have missed it.

You still got those beautiful eyes that light up a room.

I had cataracts.

Very becoming.

OK, OK, enough chit-chat.

I fixed it so all this will come crashing down on your head.

What are you talking about?

I'm finally gonna get my revenge.

I put a curse on you.

There are no curses, Sophia!

That's a thousand miles and a hundred years ago.

Sophia put a curse on me!

(chuckles)

(♪ jazz music)

Dorothy looks very happy, doesn't she, Sophia?

You really came through, Blanche.

I feel all warm inside.

This must be what they call the joy of giving.

Feels a lot like cramps.

Cocktail wiener?

Aren't you nice?

Do you like jazz?

No, ma'am.

I've always felt there was something about a man with a tray...

Is it warm in here?

Would you just look at them?

They look good together, don't they?

Well, I don't think so.

I think Dorothy's falling for him.

Little Miss Hard-To-Get has been letting him lead.

I'm gonna go find the men's room.

Oh, it's right down the hall on your right.

Blanche, I want to thank you.

I am really having a good time.

You know, Dorothy, there is a thin line between having a good time and becoming an obvious wanton slut.

I know.

My toe's been on that line.

Sophia, I was hoping we could dance.

Don't try to kissy up.

It's too late.

The blight is coming.

A plague on both your houses.

Actually, I have four houses and a summer home.

Come on, Ma, calm down.

There's no curse.

Nothing's gonna happen.

How could you do that to me?

Why are you making such a thing?

Leave me alone!

I hate you!

Uh, just a little lover's quarrel.

Please go on with the party.

I better see what's wrong.

Care to dance?

Love to.

Can you believe that?

Was that worth waiting 70 years for, or what?

I love it!

The Mangiacavallo curse is finally kicking in.

Vengeance is mine!

Do you think they'll let us take home the centerpieces?

(♪ easy listening music)

Can you believe it?

She's been dancing with him for the last half hour!

Don't let it get to you, pussycat.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

All your whining is lousing up the happiest day of my life!

Excuse me.

Yes?

I couldn't help noticing.

How do you make your eyes twirl around like that?

It's not hard.

I just try to think of two things at once.

Well, it's very attractive.

Have you always been able to do it?

No.

Only at weddings.

Excuse me.

Look at the way Blanche is nuzzling up to him!

Look, I'm not gonna take this lying down.

I don't think you're gonna be invited.

If you'll excuse me, I just want to fix my face.

Oh, I don't know whether you've noticed, but women usually do this in pairs.

Sophia.

Am I the only one who feels like ripping her clothes off and doing the hokey-pokey?

No, Rose.

I think they're just waiting for someone to get them started.

All right, Blanche.

What are you doing?

Just trying to make myself even more attractive.

Pointless, isn't it?

I mean, what are you doing with Doug?

He is here with me.

Well, I know that.

I'm the one who set it up in the first place, Dorothy.

By the way, he said some very nice things about you.

I said you were gonna do this.

I knew you were gonna do this, and now you have done it.

Dorothy, you are starting to upset me.

Do you want to ruin my whole evening?

After all, it's your fault.

How is it my fault?

Well, if you'd let me get you somebody on my B-list, I never would have been so attracted to him.

No tissues.

Listen, Blanche, we have to talk.

Not now, Dorothy.

Suit yourself.

Dorothy, will you let me out of here?

No way, Blanche.

Oh!

Well, you can't do this.

It's a violation of my civil rights.

You have the time, you have the paper.

Why don't you sit down and write a long letter to your senator?

I have a steady boyfriend, and he's out of town, so unfortunately I'm not available.

Unless, of course, you like jazz.

Well, I've got Dizzy Gillespie back at my place.

Does he like jazz?

Why don't we find out?

Okey-dokey, daddio.

Sophia.

You still alive?

Sophia, please.

Joey's alone in the bridal suite, the bride is who knows where, and the band doesn't even know "Volare." You've got to do something about the curse, Sophia.

Oh, so now you believe?

I guess you can't get away from your roots.

Why should I do this for you?

First you left me at the altar, you shamed me, you shamed my father.

You left me with a sullied reputation.

But we didn't do anything.

Well, how do you think that made me look?

I was a kid.

I was scared that if I got married and had a family, I never would get out of that village.

Leaving you was the toughest thing that I ever did.

Yeah.

I was quite a dish back then.

Longest legs of any girl in the village.

Dorothy, let me out of here right now!

There's only one way out, Blanche, and I don't think you can hold your breath long enough.

You're just making a mountain out of a molehill.

Five years of molehills.

They add up.

I didn't know Doug meant this much to you.

I'm not talking about Doug, this is about you.

She asked me for another chance, I gave it to her.

I trusted her.

Biggest mistake I ever made.

You're right, Aunt Dorothy, you can't trust people.

Joey just told me about some of the things that went on at his bachelor party.

(Blanche)

Bachelor parties can be fun.

Aunt Blanche?

Darling, you look lovely.

(whispers)

Get help!

What you said about not trusting people made all the sense in the world.

I should go tell Joey the same thing.

Honey, it may not be the same thing.

Joey didn't lie to you.

He told you the truth.

I guess.

Sounds to me like you two just had a little misunderstanding.

Not five years of deliberate betrayal of trust!

Dorothy, you do that one more time, I'm gonna write on this wall, "For a good time, call Dorothy Zbornak." Blanche, this is the ladies' room.

Right!

Jen, honey, I think you should go and talk to Joey.

The best thing to do in any relationship is talk.

That's right...

I have nothing to say to you.

Sophia, I can't believe that saying this will right 70 years of being wrong.

Just say it.

It'll make me feel better.

Sophia, I can't.

Do it.

(clears throat)

Uh, everyone?

May I have your attention, please?

This is Sophia Petrillo, the girl who stood me up at the altar 70 years ago.

And?

And I just asked her to be my wife again, and again she said no.

Go on.

And so, from now on...

I'm gay.

OK.

We're even.

Now let's go take care of the kids.

Ma, have you seen Rose?

She left with Doug.

Boy, were her eyes twirling!

How could she do this to me?

Uh, you.

Who did she do this to?

What's happening?

Oh, Blanche, don't you see?

We were supposed to look after her.

We knew that she gets hot at weddings.

She was counting on us.

You don't look after me when I get hot.

That's because I also have a day job.

Here's the bridal suite.

I'll bless you in my prayers for this, Sophia.

I might as well give them the chance we never got.

Uh, this could take a while.

And it won't be pretty.

Did you ever see The Exorcist?

No.

Good movie.

Well, here goes.

Oh, sorry, kids.

Don't stop on my account.

Curse is over.

(♪ ballroom music)

Dorothy, I wish you'd talk to me.

I really do, 'cause what I need is a good talking-to.

I don't care what you say, just so long as you care enough to say it.

You stink.

God bless you, Dorothy.

I don't want to talk about it.

I'm too worried about Rose.

I guess we weren't very good friends to her, were we?

No, we weren't.

Oh, I hope she can forgive us.

She will.

That's what she does best.

You know, Blanche, I owe you an apology.

How can I be high and mighty about my friendship with you when I can't do Rose the simple favor of keeping her out of trouble?

What I have to do is remember you for the person you are, and accept you for that.

I'm sorry, Dorothy, what did you say?

I thought I had established eye contact with one of the guys in the rhythm section.

Well, hello again.

Where's Rose?

You know, I don't know what happened.

We got in the car, we were going to my place...

Well, she wanted to go to my place, and then she didn't want to go to my place, and next thing I know we were headed for the airport.

Oh, that is low!

Not only do you take advantage of her, but you take her to the one area in town that has the cheapest motel rates.

Blanche, I took her to the airport so she could catch a plane to be with this guy Miles.

He must really be something.

So is Rose.

So, either of you ladies care to dance?

Doug!

You left here with another woman.

You were going to take her to your place.

Now you come back here and ask us if we still want to dance?

How can you do that?

It's still early.

Remember that restaurant in Sicily we used to go to on Sundays?

I'd save up all week for one plate of pasta that we'd share.

The checkered tablecloths, the candle in the Chianti bottle, bad paintings of the Colosseum.

You remember!

No, but the odds were in my favor.