01x17 - Other People's Marriages

[bunniefuu]

♪

I just did the impossible.

You actually changed
the toilet-paper roll?

No. I taught Anna-Kat
to put herself to bed.

But I like her bedtime ritual.

We tuck her in, untuck her,

tuck her in again, untuck, tuck, untuck.

You know what? I've come around
on this. Great job, Greg.

Think about it... If Anna-Kat
puts herself to bed every night,

that frees up extra hours a week.

I could re-read Proust, but in French.

[Sighs] Why am I
so attracted to bad boys?

[Chuckles]

Ow!

I hit the pointy part!
[Exhaling sharply]

I told the kids a hundred times
to close the cabinet doors.

Forget the Lamaze breathing.
Just swear, Greg.

Any swear word plus the word
"face" works really well.

You know I don't like to swear.

And that's why the kids
don't listen to you.

Until they bring back hitting,
swearing at them

is the only way we get them
to do what we want.

[Door opens]

- Hey, Ottos!
- Hey, Viv!

Just barge right in.

Remind me... what are the
specifics on Stand Your Ground?

Did you bring us gifts?

No, these are my clothes.
But don't worry.

It's all high-end stuff, so it
wouldn't be your style anyway.

Could've stopped at
"These are my clothes."

Can I leave these here
for a bit? [Chuckles]

Alan gets annoyed when I buy things,

so I hide the clothes until he leaves.

Hmm. Do you always hide
purchases from your husband?

Of course. Doesn't everyone?

No, Viv. Everyone does not.

And why does Alan care
what you buy, anyway?

Aren't you guys rich?

No. Alan and I are wealthy.

Rich people are just
regular people with boats.

I had a dinghy.

Ohh, Greg, don't make this conversation

any stupider than it already is.

But it's not about the money.

Alan just gets cranky when I do
things without his permission.

Permission?

Well, not permission exactly.

It's just, if I want to do something

and he doesn't like it,
he doesn't let me do it.

That's permission!

Viv, that is not how a marriage works.

A marriage is supposed to be / .

I'd k*ll for / .

/ sounds nice.

I hear you,

but things would be easier
if Alan didn't see these,

so can you hide them for me?

[Groans]

Okay. Fine.

Thank you!

But I get to keep
what's ever in this bag.

[Laughs]

[Snorts]

I'm just picturing you
putting on my leather pants.

[Laughs]

Bye!

[Laughs]

[Door opens, closes]

Please don't.

Don't what?

Get involved.

Just stay out of Viv's marriage.

But Viv's husband is awful.

We've never even met the guy!

Remember when you both were
pulling out of the driveway?

You waved at him,
and he didn't wave back.

He never waves at me,
but I'm not a waver.

You're a waver, Greg.

Look, Alan may not be great,
but getting involved

in other people's marriages
is never a good idea.

Wrong. It's always a good idea.

See how I disregarded what you said?

Viv should do that.

I don't just give advice.
I practice what I preach.

Screw her.

I'm gonna get these pants on.

Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh!

Aren't you two forgetting something?

Happy birthday?

I don't know. I took a sh*t.

Here's a little thing I call
"closing the kitchen cabinets."

Sorry, Dad.

We'll do it next time.

Did you see that?

Ring, ring! Hello?

Parenting magazine?

Why, yes, I'd love to write
an advice column.

You closed the cabinets for them.

If you want them to listen,
you got to swear at them.

And if you want to slap them
around a little bit,

I think that's a... wink...
bad... wink, wink... idea.

Hola, Ottos!

Thanks so much for
stashing those clothes for me.

Viv, I was thinking about it,

- I'll get your bags.
- and...

Why don't you just go outside?

Katie, you stay here,

and we'll all stay involved
in our own lives.

Viv, come sit down.

You shouldn't have to hide
your new clothes

from your husband
at your neighbor's house.

Why not? This way, everyone's happy.

You're not happy.

- I'm not?
- No.

You need to tell your husband
to stop being so controlling.

I'm just not great
at that sort of a thing.

Well, then, let's practice.
Let's do a little role-play.

- Oh.
- Okay, you be Alan, and I'll be you.

Okay.

[High-pitched]
This is gonna be so much fun!

You ready?

That is so how I talk!
How are you so good at impressions?

Well, it's very easy, because
you only have two voices...

higher and higher!

You're just as fun and cheerful as I am!

Hey, Viv, what do you think
of my new outfit?

I love it!

Hey, Viv, what do you like most
about yourself...

your hair or your smile?

I've really put you
in an impossible position.

[Normal voice] Okay, stop it.
You're supposed to be Alan.

This is clearly not working.

Ugh. You're you again.

How about this time,
you be you and I'll be Alan?

Okay.

- [Deep voice] Vivian.
- Ooh!

The flannel shirt and that deep voice...

You're like a lumberjack.

Why did you purchase
a sweater with no sleeves?

Because my arms look amazing.

- And it cost...?
- $ , .

[Normal voice] $ , ?!

Do you know how many people I could
take to Buca di Beppo with $ , ?

Wait. Are you saying that
as Alan or as you?

'Cause he's never been to Buca di Beppo.

Both. But that's not the point.

The point is,
you do not need to be nervous

around your own husband.

$ , !

[Groans] I'm getting off track.

Don't hide things from Alan
because you think he'll get mad.

Get mad at him
for making you hide things!

You're absolutely right.
Alan is not the boss of me.

- Mnh-mnh.
- And I'm gonna tell him that

the second he gets back from the city!

- Aw, man.
- [Door opens, closes]

FYI... I did not fit into those pants.

I thought they might be
stretchy, but they were not.

♪

Here you go.

Ugh!

[Exhaling sharply]

What's Daddy doing?

Passive-aggressively reminding me

that he went to childbirth classes

while I stayed home

and watched the finale
of "Joe Millionaire."

That's it. Taylor, Oliver,
I am taking away your allowance.

Eh, it's only bucks a week.

Plus, you always forget
to give it to us anyway,

so, yeah... eh.

[Groaning]

Way to discipline, Greg.

What are you gonna take away
next... the chores, homework?

- [Door opens]
- Viv: Knock, knock, Ottos!

Saying "Knock, knock" when you're
in the house defeats the purpose.

It's like saying "Heads up"
after you've thrown something.

Oh!

Heads up!

So fun!

Hey, Katie, I wanted
to tell you something.

I confronted Alan.

I followed your advice
and told him everything!

Good for you.

After I'm done with this mom thing,

I'm gonna be a marriage counselor.

He didn't like it, so I left him.

- You what?
- Right?

So I'm gonna need
to stay here for a while.

Greg, bring in my bags.

You love me.

♪

[Grunting]

Ooh! Greg, you're sweating
all over my stuff.

Sorry... I'll try to curb my body's
natural response to lifting things.

Love it.

[Whispering]
You just had to get involved.

[Whispering] Don't get mad at me!
It's not my fault!

Katie, thank you so much

for telling me to leave my husband.

I never said "leave."

You never said "don't leave."

Okay. Guys, no kombucha.

Is this where you keep the food
for your workmen?

- I can't see you glaring at me.
- [Refrigerator door closes]

Just out of curiosity,

is there anyone else
you could stay with?

Let's see... I'm an only child.

My mother is dead, my father is dead.

My best friend was in
a parasailing accident.

I pulled the plug.

Now I'm in a legal battle
with her family.

So, what I'm hearing is that
there's an empty bed somewhere.

How about a hotel?

After I left,
Alan froze my credit cards.

Now the only money I have

are these gift cards
I swiped from my stepsons.

And none of them are for Hilton
or La Quinta Inn?

Nope.

You guys are my only option.

But don't worry...
I know what you're thinking.

Living here is not beneath me.

Okay, it is, but I'm a trouper.

You can stay in Anna-Kat's room.

Hey, Greg, careful when you carry it up.

I can't have your walls
damaging my luggage.

Where's Anna-Kat supposed to sleep?

With us.

It took six years to get
Anna-Kat to sleep on her own.

I'm sorry, but we cannot
send Viv back to Alan.

He's a monster.

All she did was stand up for herself.

It's a marriage, and that means
that they're equal partners.

What is this "equal partners"
you keep mentioning?

And when does that kick in?

Was there a form that I missed?
A box I was supposed to check?

I promise you, he is gonna
miss her, march over here,

knock on our door,
and beg for her to come back.

But this time,
it's gonna be on her terms.

But if you want to kick her out,
then... fine.

I don't want to kick her out.
She k*lled her best friend.

♪

Anna-Kat, how was your day?

Something really bad happened to me.

I was on the playground...

Ugh. I can b*at that.

You know what's really bad?

Since my marriage unraveled,
I don't have any possessions...

which is almost as bad
as having these possessions.

Greg, can you go fetch me
my magazine over there?

Sure.

I think I'm gonna let you guys
talk amongst yourselves

for the rest of dinner.

- [Thud]
- Aah!

[Exhaling sharply]

Make it a girl, Daddy!

I want a little sister.

Guys, you have seriously got to
start closing these doors.

Dad, that's true, but at the same time,

you could also watch
where you're walking.

That's just good advice.

Taylor, Oliver, I hate to do
this, but no dessert tonight.

Eh, I'm off sugar anyway.

And since dessert's rice pudding,

seems like I just
dodged a b*llet, so... eh.

Um, Greg, I think
I have something to offer

that could really help the situation.

Who wants an Xbox?!

- I do!
- Me!

- Viv's the best!
- Viv, you can't do that.

You're a man!

And because of your wife,
I don't listen to men anymore!

I think what Greg is trying to say is,

you can't spoil the kids

at the exact moment
that he's trying to punish them.

Please! Let me be fun Aunt Viv!

Don't take the kids away from me.

They're all I have left.

You know what? It's all right.

Let them keep it.

Greg, can you try to be mean?

Act like you're at the Dockers store
and they're out of braided belts.

Her part's not straight.
Is that a choice?

♪

[Yawns]

Good morning.

I beg to differ.

Anna-Kat has the wingspan of a condor.

I haven't slept for five days.

And Viv's Starbucks order
is out of control...

venti iced skinny hazelnut
macchiato, sugar-free syrup,

extra sh*t, light ice, no whip.

I know that.

Just hang in there.

"Hang in there"
is what you say to people

when you know
there's an end to something.

Alan isn't coming to take her back.

I know.

There's no begging, no marching...

no nothing.

Only Viv.

Is it possible that this is just it...

that this is the end of Viv's marriage?

I wonder where I would go
if you drove me away.

I have no idea.

I'd hit the Red Roof Inn first.
I know they give a AAA discount.

Then I'd stay in university housing

and see the kids at night.

We'd trade custody
on the weekends, of course.

I'd wait six-ish months before
I went on eHarmony or Bumble,

but I wouldn't introduce her to the kids

until I knew things were serious.

That is not an
off-the-top-of-your-head answer.

Viv: Greg!

Did you find that distilled water?

You know that my humidifier's empty!

Why doesn't she ever call you?

Just so you know...
if you ever leave me,

you're the one who's taking the kids

and I'm the one who's
seeing them on the weekends.

♪

I cannot believe Viv is
still living at your house.

Her credit cards are frozen.
She's got nowhere else to go.

Ohh. That's got to be awful.

- Or do you... [As Viv] love it?!
- [Laughter]

I don't love it, but Greg is
taking the brunt of it.

He's a saint.

[Normal voice] Oh, he's the best.

Hey, is the hair on his chest patchy?

When I picture it, it's patchy.

Could you please stop
picturing Greg topless?

Fine. I'll put a shirt on him,
but his pants are coming off.

[Laughs]

So, Viv and Alan are really
getting divorced, huh?

Isn't that crazy?

It is weird that she's the one who left.

Viv should be at home,

and Alan should be holed up
at the Four Seasons.

Or the Red Roof Inn.
That's where Greg would go.

That is so sad.

Remind me when Greg leaves you

to give him some of my hotel points.

Yeah, but Greg would
never leave. He's too nice.

- Mm-hmm.
- Eh, I'm not so sure.

Remember Mark and Susan Thompson?

[Groans] Those idiots
who are always talking about

how much they love each other
on Facebook?

Yeah. He left her.

- No!
- No!

Just like that? Out of the blue?

For her, it was out of the blue,
but he had been planning it.

Coldhearted.

But he was so nice.

What went wrong?

Who knows? Maybe he got tired of her.

She's kind of a pain in the ass.

I'm a pain in the ass.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

If I were you, I'd figure out a way
to get Viv out of your house.

Greg isn't Mark Thompson.
He would never pull the trigger.

He can't even stand up to his own kids.

I'm sure you're right...

Susan.

♪

Oh! Look!

Now your horses came to visit.

No.

Anna-Kat, why don't you
tell Mommy what you told me?

I moved them in here

because I'll be sleeping
in your bed forever.

Oh.

Tell her why. Don't leave that part out.

Viv said there's nothing sadder
than sleeping alone.

I'm gonna go get my stuffed lion.

He roars again.

You were wrong.

They didn't stop making AA batteries.

Yay!

Before you say anything,
I'm gonna get Viv out.

Where? Where is she gonna go?

Home?

Send her back to Alan, that monster?

- Well, maybe.
- Yes...?

Maybe we have it all wrong with Alan.

Okay.

Maybe Viv is the monster
and Alan is the victim.

I don't know, Katie.
That's kind of a stretch.

Viv: Greg!
Where's my turn-down service?!

Never mind. Sold. Alan's the best!

♪

♪

Ooh! They sent two masseuses.

This is great!

You take my legs,
you take from the ass up.

- She seems stronger.
- Uh, no.

We're Katie and Greg Otto.
We live across the street.

Sometimes I wave to you,

but you don't wave back
because of your tennis elbow?

I don't play tennis.

I make money
and I travel around the world.

You see this table right here?
Guess where that table's from.

Ethan Allen?

Tibet. It's from Tibet.

It was in a monastery in a shrine room,

untouched for , years.

I had a helicopter take it out of
the country in the dead of night.

- That sounds like... a crime.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, it's a crime. Yeah.

But the great thing about monks
is, they keep their mouths shut.

We've got something that we want
to talk to you about.

Okay. seconds, you can just... sure.

Great.

[Scoffs]

- Alan's the best.
- The best.

What's your deal?
Are you a dragon slayer?

Uh, a what?

Dragon slayer!

Are you the kind of guy,
you see what you want,

you just go out and you get it?

I bought this sweater off a mannequin.

Oh, okay. It's a start.

You see this ancient horn?

It's from an African tribe in Borneo.

They worshipped that horn.
It was their god.

I took it.

Borneo is actually in Southeast Asia.

- I don't think so.
- It is.

- Whatever.
- Okay.

I took their horn.
I took their god. I own it.

You know what I do with it now?
I keep grapes in it.

[Chuckling]
I don't even really like grapes.

This was somebody's god!

Whew!

Slaying the dragon.

- He's the best.
- The best.

So, Alan, we've come
to talk to you about Viv.

She's been living with us
during this... difficult time.

- Oh. Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

That's where she's been this whole time?

Yeah.

- Huh.
- I'm sure a little communication

can fix whatever problems
you two are going through.

I don't really think there's a problem.

See, ancient horn... one of a kind.

Skinny blonde, likes to shop a lot...

not extinct.

Hey, she's a person, not an object.

Ehh...

Oh, you're the friend
that told her to stand up to me.

Yeah. I did.

And your fragile ego couldn't take it,

so you punished her
by freezing her credit cards.

I didn't freeze her credit cards.

- You didn't?
- No.

Why... I'm bored.

Look, your seconds are up.

The two of you... get out.

All right, fine. We're gonna go.
But you need to know something...

You don't deserve Viv.

Sure, she's awful,

but you are the biggest
piece of [bleeeeeeeeep]

thing I've ever met in my life!

You sound like those monks.

[Groans]

♪

I told you not to get involved.

Sorry, Greg.

I can't believe Viv lied to us
about the credit cards.

And I can't believe
the cabinets are open.

Hey, you guys having fun over here

with the super-awesome thing you love

that you'd really hate to lose?

Dad!

What's going on?!

Now I'll never know
what that prost*tute was saying!

You should've listened to me
about the cabinets.

That's why you let us keep it...

so we'd finally have something
good that he could take away.

Wow, Dad, you are coldhearted.

Didn't know you had it in you.

Close the cabinets, go upstairs,
and do your homework.

Oh, and now you two

are in charge
of putting Anna-Kat to bed.

[Groans]

So, you had a plan all along?

Don't let the nice fool you.

Mark Thompson.

♪

Please don't leave me.

What?! Why would I leave you?

Because I'm a pain in the ass.

Why wouldn't you leave me?

I would never leave you.
You're my best friend.

That gives me very little comfort.

You have no friends.

See? I stay stuff like that
all the time.

Why are you thinking about this now?

'Cause everybody's
getting divorced, Greg.

Viv's getting divorced.
The Thompsons are getting divorced.

And you had a secret plan
to take away the kids' Xbox

and destroy their spirits.

They never saw it coming.

Promise me you're not gonna
take your AAA card

and move on with your life.

Because you can Bumble away,

but there is nobody else
out there for me.

Just you.

- I will never leave you.
- Good.

- Unless...
- Unless what?

Unless you can't get
that skinny macchiato

out of our daughter's bedroom.

She's gone.

I'm really glad
you're never divorcing me.

I can't be single again.

I really don't want
to have to lose pounds.

♪

Hi.

Namaste, Katie.

Viv, Greg and I talked to Alan.

Oh!

You lied to us about the credit cards

and used it as an excuse

to crash in our daughter's bedroom...

which you completely redecorated.

But it is better.

Is this the chair from our room?

Yes... with new fabric.

So, what's going on, Viv?

[Sighs]

I lied because I didn't want
to stay in a hotel.

They're so lonely and cold.

I wanted to stay in this house

because you and your family
are so warm and...

kind and real.

That is so sweet.

I mean, you do not care what
anyone else thinks about you,

even though there's a lot to critique.

And I guess,
with my own marriage ending,

I just wanted to be near a good one,

even if it was just for a few days.

You got to divorce Alan

and find somebody who's right for you...

somebody who doesn't mind
that you're a pain in the ass.

Like Greg is with me.

[Squeals]

[Laughs]

- Oh, my gosh! You're... You're so soft!
- Okay.

You know what it's like?

It's like hugging
a little beanbag chair.

Oh, poor, sweet Alan.

Oh, it's so good.

♪

♪

Taylor and Oliver put Anna-Kat to bed,

so we are officially off the clock.

What movie do you want to watch?

I don't know. Let's see.

A documentary could be good.

Ugh. I don't want to learn things, Greg.

How about a superhero movie?

You have the cinematic tastes
of an -year-old boy.

- But I think that...
- No, no.

We're / now,
and this is part of my .

Fine.

I am not loving this
almost-equal-partnership thing.

Oh, wait, look.
"Arrival" is on New Releases.

I've heard good things.

Really?

I've heard bad things.

You already watched it, didn't you?

I did, and it was great.

[Sighs] There are no good movies on.

Mnh-mnh.

You want to watch TV instead?

That's a good idea. TV is
just better entertainment.

It really is.