06x08 - Ground Rules

[bunniefuu]

And finally, your name tag.

Now, the Cloud manual says that this is made out of polyvinyl chloride, but I say it's made out of honesty, hard work, those elderly shoppers' smiles...

Glen, can we hurry this up?

Not to be rude, but this means nothing to me.

Wow, my son... a Cloud employee.

We're a dynasty like Billy Ray and Miley.

And he was my foster child.

It's like God's been engraving this name tag for you since the day you were born.

Dude, you just touched my nipple.

Oh, I'm sorry. I...

thought I had more clearance, but it is cold in here.

Oh, my God, showtime. Okay, go, go, go, go.

Excuse me, do you sell cat carriers?

- Um... - Mateo, get this.

It's Tony's first customer.

Ooh, maybe we can get one where the customer's making a complaint and Tony's like, "Oh, brother." Sorry, it's just that my cat's in a duffel bag in the car.

Okay, I think we have enough photos.

Mateo, this is important. It's Tony's first day.

I mean, what if he makes a scrapbook for this job?

What's he gonna put on page one?

Seriously, I just need...

Sir, you are ruining this moment.

Thinking about getting into camping, but possums kinda freak me out.

Dina and I almost kissed yesterday.

What?

I mean, nothing happened.

There was no lip collision.

But there was definitely a swerve to miss situation.

Is she still with Brian?

Did something happen?

Are they having issues?

Wait, is she into you?

Oh, two questions per breath.

And I already told you, nothing happened.

Well, then why did you bring it up?

That's how conversation works.

Hey, Jonah. You ready to start training Tony?

Sure am. Sup, Tony?

- You excited to work at Cloud ?

- Yeah, it's cool.

Uh, yeah, it's about to get real cool like, uh, "Brr, grab some extra socks." We're restocking refrigerated items.

- Oh, do I need extra socks?

- No, it's not that bad.

Here, I made him a roast beef sandwich.

Mom, come on.

If he doesn't eat every minutes, he turns into a real grumpasaurus.

Oh, and you have my number if you need it, right?

Yeah, or I could just wave over to you since we work in the same store.

Sorry, just a little nervous.

Okay, I'm gonna go. Bye, Tony.

- Sure you're gonna be okay?

- Mom!

I'm gonna play both of my reversies and send it back to Sayid.

- Oh!

- Oh, yuck.

Dang, that's cold.

Sayid, you're on bathroom duty unless you want to use your Skip Stone, but just remember, you won't get another one until next month.

Hey, Chey. Glen wants me to decorate Tony's locker.

What are straight teenage boys into?

Paintball and body spray?

Just a second. I'm in the middle of shift assignments.

- Sayid?

- I'm using my stone, baby.

Yes!

Okay.

Mateo, the locker is gonna have to wait.

I forgot my lunch, so could you get me a tuna salad pita but roll it up so that it looks like an ice cream cone?

Uh, yep.

You see what I'm going for?

The tuna scoop is the ice cream.

- I understand and I am on it. - Okay.

Because this is my job.

"Men, Women, & Children." Boom!

- Wait, wait, um... - Sorry, Justine.

Isaac was able to name more Timothée Chalamet movies, so he's on Softlines.

Suck it, Justine. Call me by your name.

All right. Great game, everybody.

Now go make that paper!

Hey, when you were floor supervisor, did Elias always ask to work in greeting cards?

Yeah. Don't let him.

He reads all the cards out loud and adds the words "in bed." It literally never works.

Ugh. Okay, thanks.

Any other pro tips, let me know.

Oh, really?

Well, happy to help.

I actually miss being floor supervisor.

Thanks to ICE, now the only job I can get is making sure Glenn's healthy meals look like ice cream.

Oh, that sucks.

You know you can do that with sushi?

A ball of crab on a hand roll.

Come on, give me some credit.

Oh, hey. Dina, what's up?

Uh, you see the moon last night?

I'm not sure what phase it was.

Probably like the middle or something like...

It was waning gibbous, but can we talk about yesterday?

Yeah, totally. Um...

hey, I'm really sorry about that.

It just doesn't make sense. I mean, I'm crazy about Brian.

And I was up all night last night thinking about it.

"Why did this happen?

Am I a bad person?

Did Garrett use some kind of seduction pheromones?" And is that the one you landed on?

No, no. I finally realized I think this is because Brian has been away a lot.

He's been helping out at some understaffed animal sanctuaries, so I think I've just been really lonely.

I get that.

I mean, I'm in a weird head space these days, too.

I mean, Zoom dating is basically interviewing somebody while judging their wall art.

Mm. I guess you gotta keep your hands in frame, right?

Otherwise the other person's gonna think - you're touching yourself. - What?

No, I usually... I keep 'em... are people thinking that?

Oh, absolutely.

Anyway, what happened yesterday didn't mean anything.

It was just two old horndogs lifting their leg at a familiar tree.

Not how I would've said it, but yes.

I guess that's what it was. Case closed.

Okay.

So I'm just gonna call Brian and tell him everything.

What?

Wait, no, you said case closed.

The... the case is closed. You can't reopen the case.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Okay, all right, love the energy, great job, but you actually have to unwrap the plastic and separate the boxes before you shelf them.

Oh. Then why'd you say great job?

I... don't know.

Also there's an F on the pallet here.

Do you know what that stands for?

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, not that.

Um, mostly because why would it?

Uh, the F stands for frozen, so that means you gotta put those in the freezer, not the refrigerator.

Whoa, Tony.

Looks like you got the cool teacher.

Yeah, that's me.

Hey, kids.

Put your books down, we're having class outside today.

No, no, no, no, we actually have to stock those.

All right, I'm gonna go before you bust out the guitar.

- Yeah. - I'll see you at lunch.

All right, I'll see ya.

Dude, she wants your nuts.

- Sorry?

- She's totally into you.

Oh, no. She's just being friendly.

I mean, we talk politics at lunch, but that's just mostly because she's the only person here who doesn't get her news from all-caps Facebook posts.

I'm telling you, she was thirsty for it.

- You gotta quench. - Huh.

Well, I guess she could've been flirting with me and I didn't pick up on it.

Been a while since I've been single and these are new jeans.

Oops.

Oh, well. Five second rule, right?

Uh, n-no.

Everybody wants a cart, but not me.

I'm a basket guy.

Because you come up to a narrow space with a cart, you're stuck.

But me?

I'm just Neo from "The Matrix" and I'm just like, "Whoa," b*llet time my way all the way through, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, but what if you can't fit everything you need in a basket?

Oh, yeah. I thought about that.

Two baskets, oh.

Oh, Brian.

Oh, hey, Ken, uh...

Could you tell me more about that two basket thing?

Dude, now everybody knows. Can't tell you nothing.

Good day.

Brian, wow, cool.

Uh, have you talked to Dina yet?

I did talk to Dina, yes.

Brian, great. I'm so glad you're here.

- Garrett, we have big news. - Oh.

Dina and I have talked and we've decided...

We're gonna have an open relationship!

What?

You're gonna be our side piece.

- Yeah. - Well, you know, technically, I think he'd just be your side piece.

Well, what's my side piece is your side piece.

Shut up.

So I'll be going to a wildlife sanctuary in Wisconsin for three months and that's a long time to go without physical intimacy and I'm not a big fan of the Zoom sex.

He can never get the camera angle right.

It's always all forehead or foreskin.

Okay, I get it.

This is really the best solution for you?

Hey, it's new territory for me, too, but I've tried a lot of new stuff because of Dina.

You know, before I met her, I had never canned anything.

And you just make sense since we have history.

You've really thought this out.

Yeah, sure have.

And there's a lot of things for us to go over with you, but I want to make sure it's clear.

I save the girlfriend stuff for this guy, okay?

That means no sleepovers, no non-sexual kissing, and no stargazing unless it's for navigational purposes.

Well, that's a lot of rules.

Feels like I'm buying a gremlin.

- I don't know what that means. - I don't either.

The car?

Uh, it sounds like a spam account, so maybe wait until your lunch to DM Prince Harry back.

You're right. I shouldn't seem so desperate.

Mm-hmm.

Another floor supervisor tip: We direct.

Don't use words like "maybe" or "I think" with these peons.

- Okay. - Before you speak, think, "How would an evil queen decree this?" Ooh, yeah.

And just a couple other things I thought of.

Oh.

No more campfire games with employees and no sparkly makeup.

Oh, and don't put unicorn stickers on your clipboard.

They're unprofessional.

Uh, okay.

But otherwise, you are k*lling it, girl.

Thanks.

Oh, you should probably change your shoes.

I mean, they're fun but, it looks like you skinned a Care Bear.

Nia's just really cool, you know?

It's the first time I've actually been kind of excited about somebody since Amy.

But you do know that there are women outside of the store, right?

We have the same break today.

I wonder if I should ask her out to that the Szechuan place.

You know, maybe order something adventurous like level ten mapo tofu.

Have a new experience?

Look, man, I'd love to plan your imaginary date, but Dina asked me to be part of her open relationship.

What?

Wow. An open relationship?

That's pretty cool, actually, you know?

It's very modern.

Trying to imagine if Nia and I would ever be the kind of couple that...

Maybe see if she's up for dinner first.

Hey, Garrett.

Can we just keep rolling through these guidelines?

Brian's got a pug eyeball reinsertion at : .

Dina, I... I... sorry, I just gotta say the open relationship... I'm impressed.

You know, it's very progressive, very European.

Oh, Jonah. This is awkward, but we're at capacity so it's not gonna happen.

I'm so sorry.

But that's not...

all right.

Oh, hey, Jonah.

I want to get your thoughts on that "Planet Money" on the economy of sewage.

You heard it!

Ah, that's great.

Yeah, totally. We're wrapping up here, so we will jump right into that sewage soon.

Can't wait.

Uh...

hey, buddy, can we pick up the pace just a little bit?

You know, shift into high gear before this all melts?

- Totally. - Great, thank you.

Hey, guys.

How are my chilly willies?

I was actually just telling Tony that we need to speed up a little bit.

Oh, he's probably hungry again.

Here, go get a snack from the vending machine.

Can I get Rolos?

Okay, but that's your sweet for the day.

Yeah, okay.

Uh, Sandra, we're actually very behind and Tony's having a lot of trouble with pacing.

Do you think maybe you might be coddling him just a little bit?

Oh, I see what this is.

Jonah, I still care about you, too.

There is no need to be jealous.

Just because Tony's new and you don't have the best hair in the store anymore...

Glenn, I'm not jealous, okay?

I just... I want him to learn his job so that his coworkers don't have to micromanage him.

- Understood, you got it. - Great.

My special guy.

- Looks so good. - Hey.

I was walking by Women's Wear and I happened to see a couple of pieces that would be perfect for you.

Wow, they're really... cute?

Uh, anyways, nice job on this display, Don.

You get a butterfly.

Boop!

Oh, hey.

No biggie, but when I mentioned no stickers on your clipboard, I meant, like, no stickers period.

Look, I'm really sorry that you had to stop being floor supervisor, but I just need to do this my own way, okay?

Okay.

I just figured you'd want to do the job well instead of, you know, having Carol do the worm to get out of go-backs.

Well, I actually think I'm doing a really good job.

Yeah, the games and stuff are dorky, but they help people forget that their job sucks for a second.

I'm just saying you might want to listen to the gold standard floor supervisor.

You weren't even given the job.

You just started saying that you had it.

At least I was, like, chosen to do this.

Yeah, because I wasn't eligible, okay?

If they could've had a professional like me, they wouldn't have put up with your rainbow sparkle Hello Kitty crap.

Oh, okay. We're being honest now?

Well, this morning when you asked me about your nose pores, I lied.

They are visible.

You could dunk a basketball in them.

Sorry about the long bathroom break.

I opened the "Harper's" app and you know how that story ends.

Oh, hey, Tony, bud, how come the fudge pops are not in the freezer?

I told you they're melting.

I know, but there was no more room in the freezer.

How could there not be enough room in the...

To...

Why is there beer in the freezer?

There's not an F on the box.

Uh, ice cold beer?

It's, like, a thing.

This is a huge problem, Tony.

- I mean, it's just stuff. - Our whole job is stuff.

Can't you just...

Listen and follow directions?

I swear, I just want to be done and go to lunch, you know?

I'm sick of it.

- Oh!

- Oh, oh.

- Oh, dude, you hit me. - Oh, no.

You're okay, you're okay.

You're more surprised than hurt, right?

- Not really. - Tony?

What's wrong?

Is there something in your eye?

- You want me to blow on it?

- No...

- Jonah hit me. - No, no.

What?

How dare you hit my son?

Sandra, I swear...

Does it make you feel like a big man, hitting a kid?

That's...

all right, Sandra, joke's over.

Most of these people don't get it, but I do 'cause you're hilarious.

Do I look like I'm laughing?

All right, Tony.

I'll catch you on the flip. Feel better, buddy.

You touch him again, I will destroy you.

She's not...

it... we're... we're friends.

I threw her an engagement party.

Don't let Jonah throw you a party, everyone.

Your kids will pay the price.

I know it's a lot, but once we get it all sorted out, I promise it will be fun.

- Will it?

- Yes!

All hangin' and bangin' and none of that annoying relationship stuff?

Think about it. If I get into a fight with my stupid sister, I'm not gonna bug you with that.

I'm gonna bring that to QB here.

That's right. And I'm gonna be all like, "Dina, your sister's attachment issues are not your problem." Boom.

Okay.

Yeah, I guess.

Here, we got you something.

Wow.

Not sure what I'm supposed to do with this since I'm a grown man.

Well, it's actually more of a demonstration, you know?

We checked out a lot of websites and they said it's really important to establish sexual boundaries, so we will stick a thumbs-up sticker everywhere you're allowed to touch Dina.

Now, the thumbs-up represents a general green light, but in some cases, it's a little more literal.

We'll walk you through those when we get there.

Yeah, no, no. Nope, not doing it.

I'm out. Nope, nope, nope.

Wait!

I was just gonna put stickers on the bear's boobs.

You love those.

Yeah, I don't think we sell anything specifically called fruit soup, but you could check produce.

Oh, here's a perfect place to update shift assignments.

Hmm.

Isaac, you shall henceforth be working on register four to maximize efficiency and expedite expenditure.

What's happening?

Why do you sound like Nurse Ratched on the Netflix series "Ratched"?

Oh, I'm running this meeting like Mateo in a very professional manner.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay, ha, ha, very funny.

But you know what?

Even this is way better than your usual singles cruise director attitude.

Oh, I doth agree because one should never have a fun, cool attitude when one can have a stick up their ass!

Oh, my God, that's so good.

You're tearing him apart. Do his walk.

Oh, yeah. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

That's not how I...

Uh, uh, oh, God, I right dropped me cane!

What cane?

I don't have a cane!

Oh.

Did you see that?

Dude, you...

This is all my fault.

Paying all that attention to shiny, new Tony while dusty, old Jonah sat on the shelf.

No, that's not it. And we're not toys, Glen.

Sandra, it was just an accident, I swear.

If it was such an accident, then why were you yelling at him when it happened?

I wasn't yelling!

Oh, God. He's doing it again.

I wasn't yelling at Tony. It was more like lecturing.

He just... he wasn't listening.

Exactly. You had to make him listen.

That's not what I meant.

I think it's good that the kid had some consequences.

Kids have it too easy these days.

Everybody gets a trophy.

You say that about everything.

Do you want us to give you a trophy?

If everyone's getting one.

Well, when I was a kid, we'd get hit, but we never cried about it 'cause then we'd get hit.

Okay, guys. Come on.

You know I'm not violent.

I don't even do the "Super Bowl" pool because I think football is barbaric.

I thought you didn't bet because you have a gambling addiction.

Addiction is a loaded word.

I don't know, Jonah.

You did hit Mateo for being undocumented.

- He did what?

- You also tried to wrestle me.

- You challenged me. - True.

And to be fair, you did stop as soon as you got aroused.

No... that's... no...

That was the pants. I took them out of rotation.

Hey, everyone.

Did I miss a meeting?

Sorry.

I was shotgunning code reds with my party bus of a husband.

I don't care if it's unprofessional.

I just want to have fun and do molly with unicorns.

What?

That was spot-on Cheyanne.

Oh, my God, Mateo. We can see your junk.

What?

Oh, my God. TMI!

No, no, you're making it worse.

You're moving it around.

Well, then stop looking!

God.

Wow, Mateo.

That was not okay.

What, are you gonna hit him, too?

No, Sandra. We've moved on.

Whew!

Well, that got a little silly earlier, huh?

This group likes to spin a tale.

The thing is, a lot of them are pathological...

Oh, I don't think you hit Tony on purpose.

Good, good, yeah, no.

Just 'cause the case against me was surprisingly compelling.

No, you don't seem like a brawler.

More like a library cards in multiple cities kind of guy.

Chicago, Cincinnati, St. Louis.

Hey, so, uh, I was wondering if you wanted to maybe get dinner at this new Szechuan place.

Hold on.

I'm a lesbian.

Oh!

Yeah.

Yeah, right, yeah, duh.

And not... not duh like you're so obviously a lesbian.

Just duh on me for just assuming you were straight.

- Oh, it's okay. - No, no, no, no.

You were just being friendly and I'm, like, this heteronormative bull in a lesbian china shop.

Yeah, kinda.

But it's not really your fault.

Your generation is a little more rigid about gender and sexuality.

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

My... my generation separate from yours.

Well, okay. This... yeah... good, so this...

- Yeah. - This was... this was good.

Those were SuperCloud leggings, huh?

They were.

Oh, yeah. They're crazy thin.

I wore a pair to Harmonica's teacher conference one time but she got an A on her macaroni project after that and it sucked.

Eric's actually gonna be picking me up soon, so if you had anything else you need to say to me?

Like what?

Like, you know, today's been a journey for you and I'm ready to accept your apology.

Are you being serious?

You expect me to apologize to you?

I have nothing to be sorry about.

I was giving you amazing advice and you mocked me and made me show my penis to the world.

The only reason that you were giving me advice was so that you could re-live your glory days like Britney in Vegas.

Do not come for Britney like that!

She is a woman at the top of her game!

Denying that she needs help is only hurting her more!

It's crazy.

She's, what, three, four years younger than me?

Or ten. Something like that.

But, uh, hey, at least you're getting yourself back out there and you got your first rejection out of the way.

So that's good 'cause there's gonna be a lot.

Like, so many.

Dating's fun.

Well, you were in a open relationship for, like, three hours.

Yeah, you know what?

Not for me.

Yeah, yeah, no. I mean, I get it.

When there's history and feelings involved, you don't want to have to, like, share her with some other dude.

What?

No, the...

- there's no feelings. - Oh.

Well, then I'm surprised you're not into it if there's no emotional component.

No, it's just...

- Let's do it. - Oh, great.

I gotta say, you seemed like a pretty hard no.

Oh, yeah, no, I mean, look.

It's casual, it's fun, it's still mid-pando.

Why wouldn't I want to do it?

Yes!

Seriously, Garrett, this is gonna be awesome.

I'm gonna let the doctor know you're back in.

Oh.

By doctor, you mean Brian?

No, no, Dr. Hartshorn.

Yeah, I ordered you a physical and full panel of STI tests.

- You can pay me back later. - Uh...

Hey, Hartshorn. He's back in.

Yeah, you're gonna have to fast on Tuesday.

What...

No, I'm excited, too.

Jonah.

I just want you to know that Tony will never replace you.

Glenn, really. I'm fine, okay?

Tony's a good kid. I like him.

Still, I told Jerusha no need to make the hot dog casserole this Saturday because that's Jonah's special night.

So we can do whatever you want to do.

Glenn, no. That's not necessary.

Oh, come on. What's hot?

Well, there is this Chinese place that I've been wanting try.

Absolutely.

They have plain white rice, though, right?

- They do. - Then absolutely!

Oh, and no big deal, but you can't work with minors for six weeks, okay?

- What?

- Yay, Jonah's special night.