03x15 - My Tongue Is Meat

[bunniefuu]

Hey, you know what I've been thinking about?

What?

The death penalty.

Really?

That's a very complex issue.

So what are your thoughts?

Well, if you're going to the chair, they got to give you whatever you want for your last meal, right?

I guess.

I'm gonna order cereal.

Why?

'Cause if you keep adding milk, you can make it last forever.

And they just got to wait.

Okay.

Let's go back a bit.

Why would you be going to the chair in the first place?

I don't know.

My DNA shows up at a m*rder scene.

Because it's planted by a crooked cop or maybe one of my teachers.

So you'd be wrongly accused.

Story of my life, Dad.

Remember that water p*stol incident at school?

But that was your water p*stol.

Yes, but it wasn't my pee.

Morning.

Oh, hey, how was your run?

Great. We made it all the way to the pier and back.

Didn't we, honey?

[PANTING]

Yeah.

Pier... back.

Hey, Jake, you ever seen anybody cough up blood?

No.

Then pay attention.

Ass.

Ass?

Kiss... my... sweaty...

I think I'll jump in the shower.

Do you want to join me?

Can't.

Later... maybe.

All right.

Well, you drink your health shake, all right?

You'll feel better.

Doubt it.

What's in that?

I don't know.

Vitamins, minerals, protein...

Whatever it is, it's flushing out stuff I ate in high school.

Hey, do you think they let you have a last poop after your last meal?

What?

'Cause as long as you're sitting on the can, technically, you're still pooping.

And they got to wait.

Go get dressed.

If they made you hold one in, that'd be cruel and unusual punishment.

You know, I am impressed with what you're doing here...

Exercising, eating right, laying off the cigars and the booze...

I mean, Mia has really done wonders with you.

Yeah, she's an incredible woman.

She is.

And I'm a lucky guy. You are.

So why is there this little voice in my head that keeps whispering, "k*ll yourself! Do it now!"?

Don't worry about that.

It's very common.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Every man who gets into a long-term, committed relationship hears that voice.

Mine sounded a little like Alec Baldwin.

I don't know why. Maybe it's 'cause I enjoyed him so much in that submarine movie.

What was that called?

Would you get to the point?

Well, you have to remember that over time that voice will fade, when you realize that what you're giving up is nothing compared to what you're gaining.

What exactly am I gaining?

Are you kidding?

You're gaining a soul mate, someone to walk down life's path with you, someone who'll always be there sharing your hopes, your joys and your sorrows.

You got nothing.

It's what the minister said at my wedding.

Hunt for Red October!

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men ♪

♪ Ah ♪ Men CHARLIE: Back in a while, honey.

I'm going for a power walk.

MIA: Pace yourself.

CHARLIE: Don't worry.

[SIGHS]

This is a good pace.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey.

Whatcha doing?

Nothing.

Close the damn door.

You told Mia you weren't gonna smoke or drink anymore.

Yeah, well, you told your father you weren't gonna watch dirty movies on cable anymore.

Don't change the subject.

Mia's gonna be really pissed at you.

Only if she finds out.

And she doesn't have to find out.

Well, I guess that depends.

What, are you blackmailing me?

No. I'm just saying if you don't give me 20 bucks, I'm gonna tell on you.

That's blackmail.

Oh.

Well, then, yeah.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Mom, how are you?

Deeply hurt.

Is this about me or Charlie?

Charlie. Great. Come on in.

Can you explain to me how your brother can be in a serious relationship, and not only have I not met the woman, he hasn't even bothered to tell me her name?

Do you really need an explanation for that?

Do you want it to be about you?

Her name's Mia. She's in the kitchen.

Thank you.

Thank God I didn't know Anne Frank.

EVELYN: Hello.

Hello.

[SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS]

I'm Evelyn, Charlie's mother.

I'm Mia, Charlie's girlfriend.

So we finally meet.

So we do.

One question.

I'm listening.

Can you fix him?

I'm trying.

...15, 16, 17...

18... Jake.

How about a hug for your grandmommy?

No, thank you.

[FRUSTRATED SIGH]

One, two...

[HORN HONKS]

What the hell are you doing?!

Hey, keep it down, keep it down.

Mia thinks I'm taking a power walk.

This is a sad, sad day.

I always figured you'd be the last guy in the world to end up whipped.

I'm not whipped.

I'm... considerate.

Considerate?

Yeah. See, I love Mia and I want her to be happy.

And I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars and drink and gamble and stay out all night and eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and... nap and swear and wear shorts and bowling shirts...

Oh, Charlie, you're not just whipped, you're roped, saddled and gelded.

They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.

I am not whipped.

Yeah.

Here, you might as well take one of these sacks since yours is empty.

Hang on a second.

That ain't gonna do it, Alice.

What?

You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Hang on, let's see if I got anything in here that might mask your stench.

Oven cleaner? No.

Tidy Bowl? No.

How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of bleu cheese?

I'm so proud of him... he hasn't had a drop of alcohol in weeks.

Well, that's one way to go.

But I've found that men who drink tend to talk less and sleep more.

Which, frankly, becomes increasingly desirable as the years go by.

Oh, this can't be good.

Hello, darling.

Wonderful to see you.

Hi, Mom.

Have you been dusting?

No, why?

You reek of Lemon Pledge.

You're welcome.

♪ Men...

I'll be downstairs.

MIA: No snacking, Charlie.

We're going to the best vegetarian restaurant in town.

Oh, boy!

[IMITATES BIRD WHISTLING]

[BIRD-LIKE COOING]

Oh, thank God, meat!

I love you, Rose.

I love you, too, Charlie.

And may I say, I would never try to change you the way she has.

Her name's Mia.

I know what her name is.

I also know where she lives, her employment history, and if you want, I can get you photographs of a wet T-shirt contest she entered during spring break, 1995, at a college bar called Señor Frogs.

I forgot who I'm dealing with.

I also know you have to hide from her just to smoke a cigar and slam back a warm beer.

What'd you do, bug my garage?

Don't be paranoid.

I have a long-standing arrangement with Jake.

JAKE [CALLING]: Charlie, I'm ready.

I'm out here!

Go, go, go, go, go.

Okay, I'll go.

But I want you to remember one thing. What?

I'm not gonna wait for you forever.

How do I look?

[WOLF WHISTLE]

[ROSE IMITATES BIRD COOING]

How's your couscous?

Yummy.

You know, I had quite an interesting chat with your mom today.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I know she comes on a little strong, but her heart's in the right place.

If by the right place you mean in a cooler on its way to a dying man in Tennessee, then we agree.

You can't possibly mean that.

I suppose not.

She's too selfish to donate an organ.

Even one she doesn't use.

That's so unfair, Charlie.

You mother loves you.

Really? Did she or did she not say I was a bitter disappointment?

Well, she did, but...

And did she or did she not say that I'm a lazy-ass schlock jingle writer who wasted 13 years of piano lessons that she paid for by marrying a series of men with large wallets and small penises?

Yes, that was mentioned.

But it's only natural for someone who loves you to want to see you live up to your potential.

I mean, do you really want to be known as the guy who writes songs about adult diapers?

Hey, it's better than being known as the guy who wears them.

Charlie, we both know you can do so much more with your life.

Maybe, but you got to admire my restraint.

Well, come on, look how much you've accomplished just since we've been together.

You're exercising regularly, you've cut way down on the drinking and you're eating right.

Did you ever think you'd be able to change your life the way you have?

Never.

It just goes to show you can do anything you put your mind to.

I smell meat.

Excuse me?

Your breath. It stinks of meat.

Well, it-it-it could be my tongue.

My tongue is meat.

No, you've been eating meat.

I can smell it.

Maybe it's this breast of tofurkey you smell.

No, I smell beef.

Where would I get beef?

You tell me.

Well, maybe it's secondhand beef.

What?

You know, like secondhand smoke.

Some thoughtless guy is sitting next to you eating a steak, and...

Ah, screw it.

I paid a slightly disturbed woman to toss a bag of bacon cheeseburgers onto the deck while you were getting dressed.

Oh, Charlie.

Don't "Oh, Charlie" me.

I was starving.

And I'll tell you another thing.

My power walk was two quick beers and a half a Cuban cigar while cowering in my own garage.

That's why you smelled like Lemon Pledge.

Well, it certainly wasn't to bring out the natural luster of my forehead.

So you've been lying to me?

If by lying you mean telling you I wasn't going to do a bunch of things and then doing them anyway and lying about it, then yes, I've been lying to you.

Well, I suppose I can forgive you, if you promise it'll never happen again.

Oh, it'll never happen again. You know why?

Because I am done with this whole charade.

I'm tired of you trying to make me over into something I'm not.

I'm a grown man, not a work in progress.

Charlie, people are staring.

Let 'em stare!

You guys know what I mean.

Why can't women look at a guy for who he is instead of who they can turn him into?

Please, you're embarrassing me.

Well, good, maybe now you know how I feel...

Sitting in a restaurant eating medallions of bean curd with lawnmower sauce.

Am I right?

No man should have to eat anything with the word "curd" in it.

You're turning into a real ass here.

Well, then I'm finally living up to my potential.

I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked, cigar-huffing ass, as God in His infinite wisdom meant me to be.

As He meant all men to be.

You guys are disappointing God.

Okay, what if a cannibal's on death row?

I guess for being a cannibal.

And he orders Chinese for his last meal.

Does he get to eat a Chinese guy?

No.

What if they just electrocuted a Chinese guy and the cannibal was next?

No.

He'd already be cooked.

Stop it!

Hey.

Oh, hey. Where have you been?

I had a date with Mia.

That was two nights ago.

Yeah, well, I stopped off in Vegas on the way home.

Why?

Because that's where you go after you destroy a relationship.

Oh, now I understand why Mia's been calling.

She sounded pretty upset.

I didn't tell her anything.

But you'd tell Rose, wouldn't you?

Hey, you just paid me once.

Rose has me on something called a retainer.

So what happened with Mia?

No big deal.

I just got tired of trying to be something I'm not.

A decent, healthy human being?

Pretty much.

He's back.

You're damn right, I'm back.

Mia and I are through.

You schmuck.

She was the best thing that ever happened to you.

But you said I was whipped.

I didn't mean dump her. I meant grow a pair.

What is "whipped."

It's when a man lets a woman take over his life and tell him what to do.

Oh, so like you and Mom.

[PHONE RINGS]

No.

Oh, hi, Mother.

Uh, no, no, Mia's not here.

He, uh, broke up with her.

Yeah, schmuck seems to be the general consensus.

What's a schmuck?

Any guy who's not whipped.

She wants to talk to you. Well, I don't want to talk to her.

Nice catch, schmuck.

Hey, Mom.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, why am I the bad guy here?

Well, did you ever stop to consider that maybe this wasn't my fault?

I got to go, Mom. My meat connection's here.

I just think if the guy's got a front door, we should use it.

This is fine.

Hi, Charlie.

Hello, Rose.

What's going on?

Well, I just wanted to introduce you to Gordon, my new boyfriend.

Oh, no kidding?

Hiya, Gordon.

Hello.

Gordon and I are in a committed relationship.

Right, Gordon? Um, yeah, I guess.

Look, see? There's stairs right over there. Just...

Anyway, I was thinking that perhaps you and Mia would like to join us for dinner one night.

You know, double date.

Oh, well, that's nice, Rose, but I broke up with Mia.

Oh, I see.

Well, then, good-bye Gordon.

♪ Men.

[TV PLAYING]

I think I made a big mistake.

I know the feeling.

I once ate an egg salad sandwich I left in my desk over the weekend.

Huge mistake.

My relationship with Mia was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I threw it away.

That's what I should have done with the sandwich.

I wonder if it's too late to fix things.

Call her and find out.

Yeah, but if I do, I'll be right back where I started, trying to be somebody I'm not.

Okay, then find another girlfriend.

I don't want another girlfriend.

I want Mia.

Then call her.

I can't.

I can't live with her, I can't live without her.

If your plane crashed in the Andes and she d*ed, could you eat her?

♪ Men.

Mia, it's Charlie.

Look, you win.

I'll change. No more meat. I promise.

Come on, Mia, come out and smell me.

Mia's not here.

Do I have to smell you?

Who are you?

Ginger. So, you're Charlie.

Yeah. Where's Mia?

Hang on a minute.

She told me to give you this if you stopped by.

She took a job in New York. Why'd she do that?

Just read the note.

"I love you too much

"to try to make you into something you're not, and I love me too much to settle for who you are."

That's the part that always makes me cry.

I can change her mind.

I'll fly to New York tonight.

Do you have her address?

Come on in.

Can I get you something to drink?

No, thanks.

Yeah, hi. American Airlines reservations, please.

You sure? I got all my boys here.

Jack, Johnny and Jose.

Maybe a poquito Jose.

Hey, are these actual baby back ribs?

Yeah, help yourself.

Thanks.

Yeah, I need to make a reservation for the red-eye to New York tonight.

Hey, do you mind if I turn on the TV?

I got some money on the Lakers.

You bet sports?

I'll bet anything.

I had 200 bucks on my sister's pregnancy test.

How exactly do you know Mia?

Oh, we used to do the ballet thing together, but I didn't have the discipline.

No kidding?

I still dance, but just for tips.

Huh.

I'll call you back.

[TV PLAYING]

You know, I'm thinking she probably needs her space.

Probably.

Mind if I hang out and watch the game?

Be my guest.

If you got cash, I could give you a lap dance at halftime.

That'd be swell.