03x20 - Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro

[bunniefuu]

Hey, what are you doing home in the middle of the afternoon?

Look outside.

Huh.

I guess the day got away from me.

So, you still depressed?

What do you think?

Well, by the looks of things, I'd say you're one sad song away from deep-throating a shotgun.

Be a pal and put down a tarp first.

How did my life get to this point, Charlie?

How does a man sink this low?

Well, in all fairness, you had a running start.

Sorry, sorry.

Go on.

Things were going so well.

I had a young, hot girlfriend who fulfilled all my sexual desires.

How many desires are we talking about?

Just the one, you know.

For sex.

But now she's gone.

Aw, buddy.

She's not really gone.

You know where she is.

Yeah.

And where is that, Alan?

Why are you doing this?

Say it, Alan.

The healing begins when you can say it out loud.

My girlfriend is living with my ex-wife.

You know, I was wrong.

It's not the healing that begins when you say it out loud, it's the laughter.

Nice talking to you.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Don't you want to hear how I can help you with all this?

I am not going back to Tijuana for another X-rated live performance of The Bride and the Burro.

Okay, okay, first of all, that's not what I was gonna suggest.

But if you recall, that trip got you through a particularly dark, depressing part of your divorce.

The first time you smiled in months was when you caught the bouquet.

All right, all right.

Against my better judgment, I'm gonna go ahead and ask.

How do you propose to help me?

Well, first, let's make sure that we agree on the problem.

Your ex-wife has befriended your girlfriend. Yes.

And your girlfriend has moved in with your ex-wife.

Yes.

And now your ex-wife is turning your girlfriend against you.

How many times do we have to go through this?

Just until it stops being funny.

Anyway, anyway, it would seem to me the simple solution is to find someone to speak to Kandi on your behalf, someone she trusts.

Yes, that would be great.

Now what's your point?

WOMAN: Charlie?

If you're not coming back to bed, at least tell me where you keep the fresh batteries.

I'll be right up.

And it's rechargeable.

My point is, I'm banging Kandi's mom.

Wh-what?

You're welcome.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪ Ooh

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ Ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ooh ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men.

CHARLIE [SINGSONG]: Who is it?

You know damn well who it is.

[SINGSONG]: I'm entertaining.

[SINGSONG]: Not as much as you seem to think.

Hang on.

Not you. You let go.

Come on in, Alan.

Are you decent?

WOMAN: He's above average.

CHARLIE: Just come in.

Come on.

Oh, he's cute.

I can see why Kandi likes him.

Used to like him.

Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry about that.

Come, sit.

Let's talk about it.

Are you sure I'm not interrupting?

Don't worry about it.

We're kind of at the seventh inning stretch anyway.

Wow, you can go two more innings?

Even if I have to start throwing knuckleballs.

Sit down.

Okay.

So, uh, you're Kandi's mom, huh?

Mandi.

Alan.

Some grip, huh?

Well, Mandi, I can see where your daughter gets her good looks from.

Thank you.

You know, a lot of people think we're sisters.

Ooh, there's a mental picture that'll get me through the last two innings.

Don't be naughty.

Why, are you gonna spank me?

I just might.

I just might let you.

I just might go hang myself.

Oh, relax.

Kandi said he was a little shy.

You know, the first time they had sex, he didn't even take his shirt off.

Excuse me, that wasn't shyness.

The first time I had sex with your daughter, I barely got my pants off.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Boundaries.

This is Kandi's mom.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to create an awkward moment.

But enough about me.

How is it that you two are...

I mean, you know, uh, uh, how did you exactly...

What the hell is going on here?

Good question, and a great story.

Mandi showed up here looking for Kandi.

That's not a great story.

Sure it is.

It's already had like half a dozen happy endings.

You are definitely going over my knee.

Alan, we got to wrap it up here.

But you said you'd help me with Kandi.

I didn't say now.

Do you want me to talk to her, Alan?

I would really appreciate it.

Excuse me, but the pitcher's all warmed up and ready to take the mound.

Of course, I'm kind of busy at the moment.

Got it.

[MANDI AND CHARLIE HUMMING "CHARGE"]

MANDI: Charge!

♪ Men... ♪

Hey, Dad. Hey, buddy...

Mom, Dad's here!

Shh, shh, shh.

No, don't bother your mom.

Is Kandi around?

Yeah, she lives here now.

Yeah, I know.

Does this mean she and Mom are gay?

No, it does not.

Too bad.

Why?

It'd be a lot easier to explain.

Could you just tell Kandi I'm here?

Okay.

Kandi, my dad's here!

Shh, shh.

What do you want, Alan?

I want to talk to Kandi.

I don't think that's a good idea. Why not?

Because she's a sweet, innocent girl, and I don't want you to ruin her life, too.

Too?

How did I ruin your life?

You stole my youth.

You took my house!

That seems like a fair trade.

Face it, Alan.

This whole escapade with Kandi is just a pathetic attempt to find a younger version of me.

Are you kidding?

Judith, I had a younger version of you, and let me tell you, it was no great shakes.

It's okay, Judith.

I'll talk to him.

Oh, sweetie, he doesn't really want to talk to you.

There's only one thing a man like this is interested in.

What?

Forget it.

I'm here if you need me.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Listen, Kandi, I'm really sorry about our fight.

I know I can be a bit of a control freak, but I honestly care for you, and I hope you'll give me another chance.

I see.

Excuse me.

I can't let you steal my youth.

You're not fooling anybody, Judith.

Come on, Kandi, tell me what you think.

Okay.

I think we've reached an implants in our relationship.

JUDITH: Impasse!

I think we've reached an impasse in our relationship.

Good-bye.

Excuse me, is this Judith Harper's house?

Yeah. She traded it for her youth.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Daddy!

Hi, sweetheart!

Come on in.

Judith can't wait to meet you.

I can't wait to meet her.

KANDI: I know you two are gonna love each other.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I watch one donkey sex show, and you make me pay for it the rest of my life!

♪ Men... ♪

CHARLIE [SINGSONG]: Who is it?

Don't screw with me, Charlie.

We need to talk.

Give me a sec.

MANDI: Charlie, you're just making it tighter.

CHARLIE: Come on in, Alan.

Hey there.

Hi ya.

You know, I can come back.

It's okay, Alan.

Come, sit.

All right.

So, how'd it go with Kandi?

If it had gone well, do you think I'd be sitting here talking to two half-naked people?

Alan.

What?

I'm completely naked.

What happened, Alan?

Well, as I suspected, Judith has turned your daughter against me.

Well, I'm not surprised.

Kandi's always been very suggestible.

You know, until she was eight, she thought this was her nose.

Aw, that's kind of cute.

When Alan was eight, I convinced him he only had two weeks to live.

But I suppose that tells you more about me than him.

Yeah, good times.

But back to recent events...

Ooh, ooh. Remember when I told you the cat litter box was filled with Almond Roca?

He ate four of them. [LAUGHS]

Are we done visiting Charlie Harper's Museum of Sibling Cruelty?

Because I actually have something to talk about.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize I was interrupting you.

Go ahead, Alan.

Thank you.

So as I was leaving my ex-wife's house, I ran into your ex-husband.

Andy?

I guess. CHARLIE: Wait a second.

It's Mandi, Andy and Kandi?

What's your point?

No point.

Mandi, Andy, Kandi.

Dandy.

Anyway, it appears as if Kandi has set my ex-wife up on a blind date with him.

How nice.

Nice? How is that nice?

Well, he's been kind of depressed since we broke up.

It's good to see he's getting back on the horse.

But that horse is my ex-wife!

Speaking of which, did you ever see The Bride and the Burro in Tijuana?

See it?

I caught the bouquet.

[CHUCKLES] So did Alan.

Oh.

[SIGHS] Always a bridesmaid, never a burro.

Charlie, I'm starting to lose feeling in my arm.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.

Hey, you went pretty far in the Scouts.

Can you undo this knot?

Gee, actually, I specialized in Indian lore...

Beaded belts, arrowheads, but good luck, though.

Maybe you should go get a pair of scissors.

Hang on, let me untie my feet.

[CLEARS THROAT]

We really didn't think this through, did we?

♪ Men... ♪ So, has your mom been seeing a lot of Kandi's dad?

That-that's right.

If she married him, Kandi would be your stepsister.

Hey, hey, do you happen to know if they're going out tonight?

Yep, if I married Kandi, she would be your stepmother.

But, but tonight, is your mom going out tonight?

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

If Kandi took a poop, it'd be your step stool.

All right, well... it's always good to talk to you.

Love you, buddy.

Did you get all that, Berta?

I think so, but let's do a quick recap.

Your girlfriend's living with your ex-wife, your ex-wife is dating your girlfriend's father, and to top it off, you're trying to get useful intelligence from a kid who's got precious little to spare.

Okay, just checking.

CHARLIE: Hey, Berta, I want you to meet Mandi.

Mandi, Berta. Hi.

Enchante.

Listen, uh... we got a pair of scissors handy?

Oh, Charlie, that's a silk tie.

Why didn't you use one of the poly blends?

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

That's my tie.

You ruined my tie.

Oh, yeah.

You're not gonna be happy about your electric toothbrush, either.

Kandi's told me so many nice things about you.

How do you know Kandi?

She's my daughter.

Your daughter?

Sweet whistling Geronimo!

You people are like a box of hamsters, just crawling all over each other.

Yes, yes.

We all get how this looks, Berta.

Hey, I'm not knocking it.

I'm just wondering when some of that gravy's gonna spill over on my 'taters.

♪ Men... ♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey, what's up?

"What's up?"

What are you doing here?

Well, Mandi came over to put in a good word for you, and I figured I'd tag along for grins.

Oh, here comes one now.

Come on in.

I'm in a nightmare, and I can't wake up.

Sit down, make yourself at home.

Thanks, I will.

Where's Jake?

He's at a sleepover.

Hi, Alan.

How are you?

About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm.

Where's Kandi?

She's in her room, but I thought we should talk first.

We just have a few questions.

About what?

Charlie?

Well, Kandi's mom and I are a little concerned about your intentions.

You should be, 'cause I intend to k*ll you.

[SIGHS]

Now, that's the kind of attitude that isn't gonna win you a lot of friends around here, mister.

Alan, you're a very sweet man.

But let's face facts.

Kandi has her whole life ahead of her, while you... not so much.

Kandi! Alan?

I am so sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

I missed you so much.

I missed you, too, Huggy Bear.

Mom, I'm gonna go have sex with Alan, okay?

You kids have fun.

Hold on there, young man.

What?

Don't be a selfish lover.

Consider her needs.

This isn't over.

You're right, he is easy to screw with.

Hey, four pieces of Almond Roca.

Even the cat was laughing at him.

So, should we head back to my place?

I suppose.

What's wrong?

Nothing, it's just... we already had sex there.

Oh, baby, I really, really like you.

Well, thank you, Judith.

I had a wonderful evening, and I hope we can do it again some...

[BOTH MOANING]

...maybe catch a movie.

...or go for a hike. Uh-huh.

I'm guessing that's your ex-husband.

Uh-huh. Good-looking man.

Oh, he's gorgeous.

Dumb as wood.

JUDITH: Oh, my Lord!

But it's good wood.

I'll go find Alan so we can get out of here.

You want to leave?

This is so hot.

Oh, Mandi, you just keep getting better and better.

Hang on while I give Alan a heads up.

Hurry back.

Alan?

[KNOCKS]

Alan?

JUDITH: You are the most beautiful man I have ever seen.

Not Alan.

I couldn't find him...

Mandi?

Mandi?

ANDY: You know what else I like?

Swap meets. JUDITH: Swell.

Your ex-husband must be a real little guy, huh?

Forget about him.

Let's get some wine in you. Okay.

Mandi.

Glasses are in there. Mm.

No, no, top shelf.

Okay.

That's what I'm talking about.

JUDITH: Come on.

Do you ever go rock climbing?

It's a great workout.

Mandi?

Mandi?

Mandi?

Alan?

Anybody?

Over here.

Oh, damn it!

What are you doing?

I was thirsty.

Have you seen Alan?

I've been in the closet.

So where the hell is he?

I'm sorry I'm so nervous.

I haven't been with another woman in a long time.

Yeah, yeah. Take off your robe.

Okay.

JUDITH: Hot damn.

Yeah, it is hot.

Hi, Daddy!

Hey, Judith.

Daddy, I want you to meet my boyfriend Alan.

Nice to see you again.

Small world.

♪ Men...

JUDITH: Just get out!

I'll give you a call, Judith.

Maybe we'll hit some garage sales.

Yeah, terrific.

I like your daughter.

I like your ex-wife.

Want to get a drink?

I'm not doing anything.

Do you like garage sales?

KANDI: Where am I supposed to go?

JUDITH: I don't care, just leave.

But I thought we were friends.

Friends don't have sex with their friends' ex-husbands in the first friend's hot tub.

Yeah-huh!

Divorced three years, and he's still ruining my life.

I should have drowned his stupid ass.

Did you hear something?

Nope.

How's the head?

Let's find out.