07x13 - The Mother And Child De-Union

[bunniefuu]

DRE: Rainbow Johnson is truly a great mom, and she loves all her children.

But let's just say if she could only save one from a fire, I wouldn't want to be Zoey, Jack, Diane, or Devante.

Junior is clearly her favorite.

They go on road trips to taste rare cheeses and have deep discussions in their two-person book club that, believe me, you don't want to join.

They enjoy Sunday morning affirmations followed by Sunday afternoon pedicures.

You gonna do my toes?

Of course.

So when Junior started dating Olivia, you'd think there would be some tension.

But Bow welcomed her with open arms because she loves seeing Junior happy.

Somebody's got a birthday coming up.

[Tapping counter]

What are you two going to do to celebrate, huh?

Oh, well, you know I like to keep things low-key.

- W...

- No, you don't.

No, I don't!

I'm going to blow it up!

- [Laughs]

- First thing, first stop, - we are gonna go to Shakey's...

- Yes....and get my name on the sign out front.

- Yes!

- Mm-hmm.

Fifteen years in a row, we got to keep this tradition going!

Okay?

Listen, Olivia, you are going to love it.

We add one new tradition for every year of this young man's life.

So we got a ton of stops this year.

What?!

Okay.

[Clears throat]

Snorkeling in the tide pools, climbing up to the Hollywood sign...

Okay, wait.

So you guys do this every year?

Yes.

Olivia, do you not have any special birthday traditions that you do with your mom?

Well, yeah, sure.

Usually, in the morning she sends me a happy birthday text.

- A t...

A...

A text?

- Uh-huh.

And she e-mails me a cash gift card, which is nice, you know?

- Yes.

- Oh, Junior, we're gonna be late.

- We got to go.

- Oh, okay.

Yes.

Get out of here.

- See you later, Dr.

Johnson.

- Bye, Mom.

A cash gift card?

[Gasps]

Black Jesus!

- Dre.

- Hmm?

We have a serious problem.

Okay, babe, I don't care how loud it gets.

I'm not going to a sleep doctor.

No, it's Olivia.

She has an arm's length relationship with her mother.

Ruby, can you imagine getting Dre a Macy's gift card for his birthday?

Of course not.

That's the kind of gift a bank gives you - when you open an account.

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, there's something going on there.

Yeah, it's called a normal relationship.

Your mother puts a pint of ice cream between her thighs to pre-soften it for you.

Well, if you know a better way to do it, I'm listening.

I don't know, babe.

You know, that falls somewhere in between not a problem and not your problem, all right?

I don't think you should get in the middle of it.

Or...

maybe I could help them grow a little closer.

It's like people who buy supermarket wine.

You want to tell them you could have something so much better for the same price and it won't come out of a bladder.

RUBY: You know what I say?

Hmm?

Get in there and pull the pin on that grenade and see what happens.

Yeah, she's not your child.

DRE: You know what?

If nobody's going to listen to me, I'm going to get some ice cream.

Oh, let me just get my sweatpants on, boo!

- Oh, hey, Mama.

- Huh?

- Catch!

- Oh!

[Laughs]

♪ You should learn how to do that for me, babe.

Mm-hmm.

I do enough for you, Dre.

I mean, it was a crazy steep hill, but it ain't no thang for ya boy.

I fell off a roof once and I still kept my Jordans crispy.

[Laughs]

Wow, you're like a tall Tom Cruise!

Well, I'll call you back in five, okay?

Don't miss me too much.

- [Cellphone beeps]

- All right.

Mm.

Sup?

I need you to be my alibi this weekend.

My friends and I are doing the Black Pretty Woman Challenge.

It's where you hang out in a fancy store until a snooty White employee starts hassling you.

Ooh!

We're going viral.

I like that you're out there doing the work.

- Mm-hmm.

- But I can't.

Of course you can!

We've done this tons of times.

You know, I'll write our cover story on your palm like always.

But in Sharpie in case you decide to eat a papaya again.

No, I mean I'm busy tomorrow.

Ashley's coming over.

While you've been doing your own thing, heads were turning my way.

And one of those heads, mm, is super cute.

- [Ringtone plays]

- Oh.

Ah, this is her.

Gotta go.

I think she went to the bathroom, but we're not really comfortable talking about that kind of stuff yet.

All right.

Ah, so what you been up to?

- RAINBOW: Hey.

- Hey.

Ooh-hoo.

"Happy Birthday from Finn Cutlery." Hmm.

You know, people made fun of me for when I signed up for a thousand birthday clubs, but look who's getting free Kn*fe sharpening now.

Aww!

That's great, sweetie.

Hey, I was wondering.

What do you know about Olivia and her mom's relationship?

- Um...

They get along well.

- Mm-hmm?

They call about once a week or so.

Huh.

So they talk...

what?...

like a couple hours about, like, life and dreams and hopes and all that mom stuff?

- It's, like, weather.

- Weather?

- Traffic.

- Ooh.

How weather will affect traffic.

[Gasps]

So, yeah.

Don't you think that's a little weird?

Thank you for saying it.

Oh, it is weird as hell.

I wish they were closer.

Sometimes I feel bad talking about us because they clearly don't have what we have.

Maybe you and I can help them get a little bit of what we have.

- Hmm.

- I was thinking, what if we have a birthday brunch at Little Terrace...

Okay.

...and we invite Olivia and her mom?

- Huh?

- Wh...

We can show them that a relationship can share more than just low pressure systems.

- I think that is a great idea...

- You do?

- ...for two reasons.

- Okay, tell me.

Okay, one, it'll bring a little bit more love - into my girl's life.

- Okay.

And, two, you know they have those Dutch baby pancakes that you have to order like two days ahead.

Mm-hmm.

That's why I picked Little Terrace!

Because I know that my baby loves a Dutch baby.

Okay, you are the b*mb!

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!

So Junior and Bow had their birthday brunch with Olivia and her mom, Maxine.

- And they put on quite a show.

- JUNIOR: True.

Now, okay, we go on this camping trip every year.

- Even though we're really busy...

- MAXINE: Mm-hmm.

...we just think it's a priority, you know?

It's a priority for us to disconnect from the world so that we can connect with each other.

- JUNIOR: Mm-hmm.

- You know?

Like the last time we went camping, we set up our tents near this beautiful waterfall.

- It was unbelievable.

- It was gorgeous.

- Aah!

- And as night fell, we built this fire, - and we just stayed up talking for hours.

- We just talked.

- Yeah, we did.

- That's sweet.

So by getting out of the sort of daily routine, you know, you can move past the mundane conversations about, like, the weather.

Aah!

And traffic and get to the good stuff, - you know, the meat of the relationship.

- Mm.

I told you, they're like two peas in a pod.

- Oh, you can tell.

- I know, right?

We really...

We're just always looking for ways to keep that flame alive.

- Yes, we are.

- JUNIOR: Mm-hmm.

- Huh.

- Ooh, crab legs are out.

- Oh, oh!

- Come on, Liv.

We are gonna have to go hard.

We're going to need all four arms to bring them back to the table.

- I'm ready to hip-check a bitch.

- JUNIOR: Let's go.

- Come on.

- Oh, my!

[Laughs]

[sighs]

So, um...

[Clears throat]

I know that you and Olivia are...

you're probably comfortable with the way your relationship is, but I just want you to know it's not too late for you to have the...

the magic that Junior and I have.

Oh, that sounds so...

romantic.

- Oh, that's weird.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Romantic is the wrong word.

- That's the wrong word.

Though I'm not sure what the right word would be for this.

You and your son are creepy-close.

- What?

- Like when you die, he's going to turn you into furniture and keep you around the house.

[Scoffs]

No, he's not.

- JUNIOR: Hey!

- Oh!

King crab legs for my queen.

- Oh, sweetheart!

- [Laughter]

Look at those.

But before you bite into those...

thank you...

you are going to want to take a bite of this Dutch baby.

It was worth the wait.

Come on, open up the airplane hangar.

- Hangar's closed.

- Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!

- Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!

- Okay, sweetie.

Man, there were so many great little moments where we were clearly blowing Maxine's mind.

Did you see the look on her face when we were talking about our trip?

Yeah, she definitely made some faces.

You know, hearing us talk about us made me fall in love with us again.

- Oh!

- DRE: What?

Great teaching with you, professor-doctor.

[Laughs]

Don't listen to him.

Brunch was a disaster.

Uh-oh.

What?

You found out too late that mimosas weren't included?

No.

Olivia's mom, Maxine, thinks that Junior and I are too close.

[Laughing]

Bow, I've been telling you that for years.

Stop.

And the boy shouldn't be your emergency contact.

Yes, I know about that.

You're jealous, and she doesn't even know us.

Maybe she gets the gist.

She probably thinks you're gonna turn Junior into the type of guy that lives with his mother in an old folks home.

Dre, I need you to power-sand my one weird toenail.

It's sucking up that polish like primer on drywall.

I'm sorry.

What were you saying?

Please, don't try to turn this on us.

- Okay.

- Olivia's mom called out Bow for her strange relationship with Junior.

- Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Well, it is strange.

- Mm-hmm.

Says the woman who talks to her son while he's in the shower.

I know you don't want to hear this, but you got to cut the cord...

Oh, boy.

...deliver the placenta, and put it in the ground!

- I think so, too.

- Mm-hmm.

- That's 'cause my baby's always right.

- Mm-hmm!

Uh-huh.

I got my rose water going.

Don't be long, boo.

- Okay, Mama.

- All right, now.

RAINBOW: You know what?

I definitely don't need to be listening to you and Ruby about any of this.

Maxine saw a great relationship, and to make herself feel better, she insulted it.

We were at a very fancy brunch, okay, and she only ate a grapefruit.

Her priorities are whack.

Whack-o-la-vitz!

Whack!

♪ Make yourself at home while I craft us a couple of special lemonades.

ASHLEY: [Laughs]

Wow.

I could definitely see myself spending a lot of time here.

Some sweetness for my sweetness.

[Laughs]

Mm.

You're gonna love this by the pool.

D...

Wh...

Y..

You're Diane Johnson!

You were in the background - of Dennis Kissi's Instagram post, right?

- Mm.

- What?

- The one where the guy got his arm broken - while arm wrestling?

- Yeah, that was crazy.

- Yeah!

- You could hear the moment his baseball career ended.

It was so dope.

Hey, Ash, how many ice cubes do you want?

Three?

Four?

Four might be a little chilly, but I can give you a hoodie.

Yeah, yeah, 34 sounds great.

Wait, that cracking noise was real?

I thought you added, like, sound effects or something.

Mm-hmm.

It was so real, I even made it my ringtone.

You know, I have some overhead footage too if you want to see that.

- Yeah.

- It's right here.

Oh, I filmed it on a drone I stole from Dennis' stepdad's office.

Yeah, don't tell anyone about that.

Um, can we watch somewhere else?

It's too loud down here.

Oh, if you think this is too loud, you should hear him drinking milk.

- Come on.

- Wait, where are you going?

What?

Um, I'll be right back.

I promise.

- Hey, what's your number?

- Oh, we're not there yet.

Okay.

♪ After our little talk, Bow was fully on board for camping with Junior.

- Oh!

Hey, Mom.

- RAINBOW: Yeah?

You want to check out this stuff I got for Sequoia?

Ooh, let me see.

So, I got you those cucumber masks that you love.

- Love those.

- Right?

I got us tactical toilet paper 'cause you know.

Gonna need that.

And I found these awesome T-shirts.

- Oh, wow!

- Look at that!

That is a cute...

Here's yours.

...font.

Look at that.

- Right?

- Yeah, look at that, sweetheart.

Oh, yeah, I knew you would love them.

Mm-hmm.

- [Ringtone plays]

- Oh.

Sorry, Olivia, but I am busy.

I've got a trip to pack for with my mom.

♪ - I came as soon as I could.

- Thank God!

It took you over a minute!

My weird toenail is growing out of control.

Can you fetch the grinding wheel?

- Uh-huh.

- It's starting to grow down.

But they're waiting for us to cut the cake.

You don't need two people to hold a Kn*fe.

I'll be right back.

♪ [Laughs]

- We need to cancel the trip.

- JUNIOR: Why?

AirBnB said our cabin is a "rare find." I know, but, honey, you've got your own life, and I-I don't want to keep you from living the best version of it.

I'm gonna be your mom forever.

So I just think...

I think I need to give you a little more space.

[Scoffs]

Wow.

Yeah, that is...

That's actually a huge relief.

Oh!

This whole time, I have been trying to divide my time between you and Olivia and give you the time that you both deserve, but it has been getting really difficult to juggle.

- That makes sense.

- Yeah.

And, you know, this whole time that we've been planning for this trip, I have been thinking to myself, "Man, I should really be doing this with my girlfriend." Ah, feel free to say no, but would you be okay with me and Olivia taking this trip together instead or...?

Yes, absolutely.

That's a great idea.

Wow.

You are amazing.

You're taking this all so well.

Well, if you know it's the right thing, then it's easier to do.

Boop!

[Both laugh]

So, Bow was ready to cut the cord and allow Junior to take Olivia on their special mother-son vacation.

Oh, "Best Hiking Trails of 2006"!

- Yeah.

- That's a classic.

- Mm-hmm.

- [Gasps]

You guys are gonna have so much fun.

It looks like I'm gonna need something better than flip-flops for this trip.

- Probably.

- Oh, God.

Yeah, you guys are going to have the best time.

But you got to be safe, huh?

And call me if you need anything.

That reminds me.

I need to switch you back to my emergency contact since I will be with Olivia.

I'm sorry, switch me back?

I thought I was your contact.

Oh.

Uh, obviously not.

That's...

That's Olivia's job now.

- Oh, yes.

- But don't worry, Mom.

- You will always be my backup.

- [Laughs]

Come on, Olivia, let's go grab you some hiking boots out of Diane's bug-out bag.

She's got a bug-out bag?

Yeah.

It's probably booby-trapped.

I'll go grab some tongs.

♪ I'm his backup?

Oh, Rainbow, I hate seeing you like this.

Would you mind leaving the room?

[Laughs]

I just cut the cord with Junior.

Really, now?

I'm impressed.

That was a mighty thick cord.

Now that I've done it, I don't like it.

Being number two sucks.

I bet.

'Cause now you're number two with your son and your husband.

- Seriously?

- All right, all right.

I remember the first time Dre got good news - and he called you instead of me.

- Mm.

Now, it was the right thing for him to do, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

That's exactly it.

I want Junior to have healthy adult relationships, and this is a step in that direction.

But I just...

it feels...

it feels like...

It feels like I got dumped.

- But still, it's better this way.

- Mm.

You know, when Dre was at Howard, he wanted to come home and spend the summers with me.

But I pushed him to stay there and get the full experience.

I did.

I knew if he spent the summers with me, he would never learn to spread his wings.

But he's your favorite person in the whole wide world to spend time with.

And you tell me that every time we are alone together.

I didn't say it was easy.

Mm.

But sometimes the best thing we can do as mothers is let them know they can walk on their own.

The only problem is you never know if they're going to walk back.

Oh, that's so scary.

But the good news is we never completely cut a cord.

It's really more like a rubber band, baby.

In time, he'll snap back to you.

Okay, so what you're saying is that if I give him healthy space...

Mm-hmm.

...then he'll come back and we can go to the sequoias?

Hell, I'm telling you, you can push him away, and when he snaps back, he'll take you on an all-expenses-paid trip to Paris that his wife will never know about!

[Laughs]

Did Dre take you to Paris?

♪ Enjoying my Ashley?

Oh, please don't tell me you're going through a "that's mine" stage too.

Devante's had my hairbrush for like a month.

You knew I liked Ashley and you had to come swooping in with your arm breaking videos.

Who's going to say no to that?

Jack, I didn't do it on purpose.

Well, you didn't help me, either.

Why couldn't you just let me have this?

[Sighs]

- [Cellphone beeps]

- Text Ashley Arm-Break.

"Ashley, we're not friends anymore.

Don't make it weird." - Period.

- [Cellphone beeps]

- Hmm.

- [Cellphone swishes]

There.

All fixed.

Great, now you've upset both of us.

How is that helping?

Have a little patience, boy.

- Dang.

- [Ringtone plays]

Uh, hey, Ashley, w...

- ASHLEY: [Speaking indistinctly]

- W-What's wrong?

She just texted me and said she didn't want to be my friend anymore.

Diane did what?!

Oh, no, she's gone too far this time.

- I'm gonna talk to her.

- No, I don't care.

No, I'm gonna talk to her!

- Hurry!

- [Whispering]

Thanks, sis.

- Like, she's my best friend.

- Oh, I ain't afraid of her.

♪ Well, I'd better go grab Olivia and get us on the road.

I will see you guys in a couple days.

Aww.

You know what, son?

I will tell you the same thing I would tell you if you were going on a trip with your mother.

Here's $40.

Treat her right.

- Yes, sir.

- [Laughter]

You guys are going to have a blast.

I'm so happy for you.

- Thanks.

- Oh.

[Clears throat]

Can you do me a teeny-weeny favor?

- Anything.

- Okay.

Please say "hi" to General Sherman, the tree.

He's my favorite sequoia.

Please, I know what your favorite tree is.

Aww!

Isn't there a forest you need to be in?

Uh, actually, I talked to Olivia and suggested that we go to San Francisco instead.

Oh!

How come?

Well, I just felt it'd be a little bit more romantic.

And, besides, the sequoias are kind of "our" place.

- Oh, that's right.

- Boop.

Aww, Junior, you're the best!

[Laughs]

RUBY: Well done, Rainbow.

- Oh.

- Though you almost ruined it with that "favorite tree" nonsense.

Good Lord, woman, do you have to be so weird?

You know, that's what I say, Mama.

- RUBY: Huh.

- You know what?

How about I draw you a bubble bath and we can talk about how weird they are?

- Ah, all right.

- Mm-hmm.

Would you like "Lavender Lullaby" - or "Sensual Sandalwood"?

- [Laughs]

Unbelievable.

DRE: [Sighs]

Oh, I'm tired.

RAINBOW: Yeah, me too.

- Oh, I have a question.

- Mm-hmm?

Did you take your mom to Paris?

- What?

- She said this thing about how a son could take his mom to Paris without his wife having any idea.

[Chuckling]

It was, like, strangely specific.

Okay.

Come on, Bow.

Just the other day my mom said my beard makes me look like Fidel Castro.

You know, you can't listen to her.

She's crazy.

[Chuckles]

- No argument there.

- Yeah.

Good night, sweetie.

Good night, babe.

♪ [Man singing in French]

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪