06x01 - Big Day

[bunniefuu]

♪ It ain't my fault ♪ ♪ That I'm out here gettin' loose ♪ ♪ Gotta blame it on the Goose ♪ ♪ Gotta blame it on my juice, baby ♪ ♪ It ain't my fault ♪ ♪ That I'm out here making news ♪ Good morning.

Good morning.

♪ Ya-ya-ee ♪ ♪ Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee ♪ Ow.

- [GROANS]

- Are you okay?

We gotta talk about your bed.

What's wrong with my bed?

It's somewhat child-size.

It's cozy.

Ooh, my neck says differently.

Ah.

I know why your neck is sore.

And thank you.

Mm.

♪ Blame it on my juice ♪ ♪ Blame it, blame it on my juice ♪ ♪ Ya-ya-ee ♪ Mm-kay.

As much as I would love to...

Big day.

Big day.

Yeah.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

This must be weird for you.

I'm fine.

I'm looking forward to having some free time.

And I'm going to start by reading the entire newspaper.

They still make those?

And then, uh...

I may just go buy my girlfriend a real bed.

Well, as long as you're in it when she gets home, she won't complain.

[SIGHS]

Have a wonderful day.

And tell Kelsey that she can call me anytime.

[DANGER TWINS' "LOVE (L.O.V.E.)"]

- Bye.

- Love you.

♪ Just a little bit of love ♪ ♪ Makes the world go round ♪ ♪ Makes the world go round ♪ And he didn't say anything?

I didn't give him a chance.

You just walked out?

No, it was more like I threw a verbal grenade and ran.

Ah, finally.

Hi.

Wait, I thought you were joking about the steadicam.

No, no.

I'm sh**ting her for social today.

Hi.

Can we hurry?

It's freezing out here.

Kelsey, listen to me.

You are a role model for every young girl with an English degree who wants to believe that she didn't throw away four years of her life, okay?

You are the youngest publisher in New York right now, and you are defining a cultural moment.

We have to do this right.

Don't oversell me, because I'm nervous enough as it is.

Project confidence, because everyone is secretly sh1tting inside.

- Who said that?

- You did, my first week at work, and I'll never forget it.

- Oh.

- You got this, Kels.

Cute.

Okay, now let's get an entrance.

- Okay.

- Yes.

Good, great.

Now...

wait, wait, wait.

Kelsey, now look back like, "I own this skyscraper and everything in it." No.

Kelsey, no...

wait.

Kelsey, this is important.

♪ I was born for this ♪ [FUNKY MUSIC]

♪ Born for this ♪ Yes, I love it.

I love it.

I love it.

I love it.

I love it.

Good morning, ladies.

It's your big day, Kelsey.

Ms.

Heller, this is a surprise.

Kelsey hired Lauren as our social media strategist.

It's more of a consulting position, but I'd love to discuss it with you further.

Yeah, I'm a...

I'm a big value-add for you, Zommy.

You call the sh*ts, Kelsey.

You're the boss.

♪ ♪ [SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪ - [SIGHS]

- Uh, be honest.

How many times did you two clear this desk?

[SCOFFS]

We didn't.

I mean, we alm...

we almost...

We almost did.

Okay, your lying game used to be so much stronger.

You okay?

I am so happy for you, Kelsey.

And I will do everything I can to support you.

It's just, he gave up a lot for me.

Yeah, he did.

I know that this is his family legacy, and we're gonna make it stronger than it's ever been.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

I love you.

[VALA'S "I'VE GOT ME"]

♪ ♪ Aww.

You didn't even run away.

[LAUGHS]

♪ Running the scene, I'm her majesty queen ♪ ♪ Bring them all to their knees, I'm a k*ller ♪ ♪ The edge of your seat, you like what you see ♪ ♪ I'm a thriller ♪ Well, hello.

Hi.

You must be Maggie.

Wow.

The height I expected, but she failed to mention the abs.

- [LAUGHS]

- Don't worry.

The male form does very little for me.

Come sit down.

Ah.

So...

Liza's been through a lot.

Uh, yeah, I'm aware.

And from what I understand, so have you.

I have.

Well, sometimes it makes two people perfect for each other.

Hmm.

And other times, those two people can drag each other down like anchors.

I would never do that to Liza.

No one ever does it on purpose.

[ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC]

♪ Well, well, well ♪ ♪ ♪ You know, I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was, like...

- 13 weeks along.

- Oh.

And when I found out, I wanted to tell you.

But it's such a difficult conversation to have.

And then I felt the baby kick.

And for the first time, everything seemed real, and I knew I had to tell you.

Wait, wait, you felt the baby kick?

It happens all the time.

Would you like to feel?

Uh...

yeah.

Yeah, I'd love to.

There.

- Oh!

- [LAUGHS]

[SOFT MUSIC]

Wow.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

[OBJECT BANGS ON DESK]

- [KNOCKING]

- Hello.

I can't believe I have an office, an actual door that closes.

Okay, full disclosure: I have done it on this desk.

I've done it under the desk.

I've used that little stool to prop and elevate my hips.

- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]

- And...

Oh, wow, look.

It's Josh.

Oh, uh, have you spoken to him?

Why?

Is something wrong?

You should probably just talk to him.

Knock, knock.

Settling in okay?

So far, so good.

Well, don't get too comfortable, 'cause we have a problem.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Uh-oh.

[TEXT MESSAGE WHOOSHES]

I got an advance copy of the Page Six blind item.

It's dropping any minute.

But we're covered, right?

I mean, that's the whole reason why Charles stepped down as publisher, so our relationship could go public.

Read the headline.

"What publisher made a hasty exit thanks to an affair with a 28-year-old associate?" If you come forward with your real age now, guess who people are going to assume is the 28-year-old associate?

Me?

Yeah.

- Ew.

- Ew?

Well, he's, like, 20 years older than me, Liza.

We can run a correction, say I'm 42.

My investor group is gonna have a hard enough time dealing with news of the affair.

It's not an affair.

He's still legally married, correct?

Correct.

They're not gonna be able to deal with identity fraud on top of that.

Let's just keep the age thing status quo for now.

- But I thought we agreed...

- We did.

But we have to be strategic.

We are launching a groundbreaking publishing company run entirely by women.

That is our story.

Let's not turn it into a pity party about ageism.

Well, now it all makes sense: the promotion, the secrecy.

Congratulations, Kelsey.

You bottomed your way to the very top.

[QUIRKY POP MUSIC]

I got this.

Diana, wait.

It's not what you think.

- Don't.

- But...

I don't care if she is your friend.

I don't care if she didn't mean for it to happen.

- No...

- If you say one more word in her defense, I will never speak to you again.

Diana.

It's not Kelsey.

It's me.

It's me!

I'm...

I'm the 28-year-old associate having an affair with the publisher.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪ Diana, please.

Wait.

Let me explain.

What's there to explain?

It's a story as old as time: the assistant sleeping with the boss.

I am so sorry I kept this from you.

It's new, and...

we didn't want it to come out like this.

Close the door on your way out.

♪ ♪ [CELL PHONE CHIMES]

_ [SIGHS]

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

♪ ♪ [ROCK MUSIC]

Liza Miller?

Mm-hmm.

The yodeling mom?

She's the woman in your office who faked her age?

Get outta here.

This stays between us.

Pauline knows about her, not about her age.

I'm not saying anything.

Who'd believe it?

[LAUGHS]

Why would you do this to yourself?

I can't explain it.

When...

when I'm with her...

I feel free.

But she cost you your whole business, everything you worked for.

That was my decision.

What the hell are you gonna do the rest of your life?

You can't be retiring in your 40s.

I'm going to take a little time and figure it out.

Well, don't take too much time.

It's not easy for guys our age.

Look at Empirical...

The young eclipsing the old.

If you don't have a big Instagram account these days, you won't even get an interview.

[SNIFFLES]

♪ That girl's a problem ♪ ♪ Call the police ♪ ♪ She's a fire looking for gasoline ♪ Thank you for the surprise invitation.

BOTH: Mwah, mwah.

I'm just glad you were available.

I wasn't.

[LAUGHS]

I'm just dying to hear how the regime change is going at Millennial.

Do Kelsey's feet reach the floor in Charles' seat?

Well, let's just put it this way: if you hear of anyone looking for a senior marketing executive, please let me know.

Oh.

Okay.

I'll make some inquiries...

But discreetly.

I'll keep it quiet.

Oh, Redmond, if I had wanted it kept quiet, I would have never come to you.

[LAUGHS]

Can we see the champagne list, please?

Oh!

Let's move on to the FOH and the VOH, most of which is title-specific, represented by the TSC line.

But here's where it gets really interesting.

We expense PP&B plus royalty very differently in the company P&L than in each title's P&L.

And the reason is this...

Um, can I interrupt you for one sec, Ramesh?

Too fast?

I could start over.

BOTH: No.

I need to pull back from these details and just ask a few basic questions.

Is the company making money?

Quite the opposite.

Okay, so we are...

Are losing money.

Every day.

As you see here, our revenue keeps falling further and further behind our costs.

Okay, I thought your investor group was making up the difference.

We are, month by month, but it would help if you could make cuts.

Anyway, strong start.

I'm excited.

We've got some good soil.

Wait, are you leaving?

Yeah, I've gotta go to the airport.

Davos again.

Oof.

Happy cost-cutting.

[POP MUSIC]

[SCOFFS]

♪ I don't know what's real ♪ ♪ I don't know how to feel ♪ ♪ They're saying there's a pill for that ♪ ♪ There's a pill for that ♪ So what's going on with you?

Let me guess.

You took the job at Chicky.

Nope.

What happened?

They found out about your dicky?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Uh, let's just say I got some other irons in the fire.

All right, well, that's a nonanswer.

Yeah, because nothing's firm yet.

Nothing at all?

Hey, hey, hey.

Eyes up here.

- [LAUGHS]

- Hey, tell me about your work.

How was your first day of being queen boss?

It's harder than I thought.

It's all spreadsheets and forecasts and budgets and everything except actual books.

And I really want to forget about it tonight...

and maybe share one of these with you.

A Room For Two.

That looks good.

Mm-hmm.

But while I'm figuring out my career, maybe we should just stay friends.

- Are we friends?

- Of course.

Friends watch each other's backs, and something's going on behind yours that you need to know about.

Diana's looking for a new job.

- What?

- Yeah.

I heard it from Redmond.

Don't lose Diana.

She's the best marketing person that I've ever worked with.

[ROCK MUSIC]

I need a drink.

Hey, friend to friend, get an herbal tea.

Right.

Excuse me.

Tequila, rocks, please.

♪ Na, na, na-na-na-na-na ♪ ♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na-na ♪ So I don't understand.

Clare's living in New York now?

Yeah, I...

I guess she's been here for months.

She got a job in the gaming division at Google in Dublin, and then they transferred her here.

Mm.

That's interesting.

So she's a professional gamer.

- Maggie.

- No, I'm just saying.

I mean, we don't even know if it's Josh's kid.

She says she hasn't been with anyone else.

Well, then she won't mind taking a paternity test.

That feels like a weird thing to ask her to do, right?

You know what would be weird?

You paying 18 years of child support for a baby that's not yours.

This baby deserves to know who his or her father is.

Can they even do that test before the baby's born?

I don't know.

How soon can you test for paternity?

You can test for paternity as early as eight weeks into pregnancy.

- Right.

- Wow.

So what do you think I should do?

Things to do in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ You wanna play the game ♪ My book is called "The Glass Cliff." Our research shows that when companies appoint women to their C-suites, they experience a 27% decline in revenue.

Why?

Why are women underperforming?

Huh.

Maybe they're not as aggressive as men?

- Hmm.

- Or maybe they're too aggressive, which hurts morale, which then hurts sales.

Or maybe we shouldn't be blaming the women at all.

Maybe the women are being set up to fail.

Okay, what do you mean?

Female CEOs inherit distressed companies far more often than their male counterparts.

When an institution is in crisis, the next man up usually gets the a*.

So why not make him a woman?

Are you saying corporate boards are purposely scapegoating women?

It's more likely an unconscious gender bias.

But it's real, and it happens over and over: Marissa Mayer at Yahoo, Mary Barra at General Motors, Theresa May with Brexit.

Women finally make it to the top, only to discover they're standing on a glass cliff that can shatter at any moment.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Excuse me, I'm gonna go get some air.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- No one is setting you up.

- You don't know that.

Finances are cratering here.

Okay, why not find someone to blame, fire them, and then restructure?

- No one is f*ring you.

- Unless I fail.

You are not going to fail.

You have a great team.

You have me, Charles, Diana...

Yeah, maybe not Diana.

What are you talking about?

Zane told me that she's job-hunting.

Is that why she missed the pitch meeting?

I've called her a million times today, and I can't get her to pick up.

Well, then we gotta go find her.

[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪ [KNOCKING]

Hey.

Enzo, hi, we were hoping to speak to Diana.

She's not here.

She said she wanted to be alone, that she was having some sort of crisis.

A crisis?

Did she use that exact word?

Mm-hmm.

[FUNKY MUSIC]

♪ ♪ Ugh.

It's even more crowded than the last time.

Okay, I know she's here.

Let's just split up and take separate...

ALL: ♪ So hold this moment fast ♪ Wait, I hear her.

ALL: ♪ And live and love ♪ - Right there!

Go.

ALL: ♪ And make this moment last ♪ ♪ Because the best of times is now, is now ♪ ♪ Is now, is now ♪ ♪ Is now ♪ - [APPLAUSE]

- Diana.

What...

no!

No, no, no, no!

No!

This is my sanctuary.

Okay, well, you're not returning my phone calls.

I am so sorry, Diana.

I should've told you about Charles.

I could give you a million reasons why we wanted to keep it quiet, but it doesn't matter.

I'm just...

I'm so sorry.

- Hmm.

- Listen, Diana...

I want you to know how much I respect you and value you.

I want to make you our top-salaried employee.

You can't afford that, Kelsey.

She'll divert part of her salary to you.

I need you at Millennial.

Ah.

But you see, that's the problem.

I'm not a millennial.

And it's just a matter of time before the digital natives chop off my head, so...

If you'll excuse me.

Diana.

[SIGHS]

[LAUGHTER]

I have an idea.

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm not sure, but Diana loves this song, and we have to try something.

[DOLLY PARTON'S "NINE TO FIVE" PLAYING]

Oh, my God.

You're right.

What are we supposed to do now?

♪ ♪ No.

Are you serious?

[SCOFFS]

♪ Tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen ♪ ♪ Pour myself a cup of ambition ♪ ♪ And yawn and stretch and try to come to life ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping ♪ ♪ Out on the street, the traffic starts jumping ♪ BOTH: ♪ Folks like me on the job from nine to five ♪ ALL: ♪ Working nine to five ♪ ♪ What a way to make a living ♪ Don't encourage them.

ALL: ♪ Barely getting by ♪ ♪ It's all taking and no giving ♪ ♪ They just use your mind ♪ ♪ And they never give you credit ♪ ALL: ♪ It's enough to drive you ♪ ♪ Crazy if you let it ♪ [CHEERS AND LAUGHTER]

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ They let you dream just to watch 'em shatter ♪ ♪ You're just a step on the boss man's ladder ♪ ♪ But you've got dreams they'll never take away ♪ ♪ You're in the same boat with a lot of your friends ♪ ♪ Waiting for the day your ship will come in ♪ ALL: ♪ When the tide's gonna turn ♪ ♪ And it's all gonna roll your away ♪ ♪ Working nine to five ♪ ♪ What a way to make a living ♪ ♪ Barely getting by ♪ ♪ It's all taking and no giving ♪ ♪ They just use your mind ♪ ♪ And they never give you credit ♪ ♪ It's enough to drive you ♪ ♪ Crazy if you let it ♪ ♪ Working nine to five ♪ ♪ What a way to make a living ♪ ♪ Barely getting by ♪ ♪ It's all taking and no giving ♪ BOTH: ♪ Working nine to five ♪ ♪ For service and devotion ♪ ♪ You would think that I ♪ - Oh, my God.

- What?

People in the '80s only worked from 9:00 to 5:00.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Oh.

- Josh, hi.

Hi.

Are you okay?

Uh, yeah.

I guess.

I got the test results back today.

And?

And...

I'm, uh...

gonna be a dad.

[GASPS]

Holy sh*t.

- Josh.

- [CHUCKLES]

Wow.

Yeah.

Josh, you're gonna make such a great father.

You think so?

I'm 100% sure.

- Congratulations.

- Thanks.

Wow.

I'll see you at work tomorrow, okay?

- Okay.

- Wow.

You freaking out?

Yep.

I am.

- [SIGHS]

- Don't worry.

I'm, uh...

I'm kind of a baby whisperer.

- Hmm.

- I know all the tricks.

Good.

I'm gonna need you around for this, for real.

No problem.

- I got you.

- [CHUCKLES]

[SOFT MUSIC]

[SIGHS]

It's funny, really.

You and I broke up because you didn't want me to have to give up having a kid.

Now I'm having a kid, and...

you're with someone else.

♪ ♪ Timing.

Yeah, timing.

♪ ♪ [FUNKY MUSIC]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Good morning.

Is that coffee?

Old habits die hard.

Apparently so did whatever it is you're wearing.

Uh...

[CHUCKLES]

[SLURPS]

I'm so happy you stayed.

Are we working, or are we mewling like kittens?

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hey, Maggie.

Everything okay?

Uh, yeah, someone just sent you a new bed.

What?

With everything.

I just texted you a pic.

♪ ♪ [TEXT MESSAGE WHOOSHES]

Oh, my God.

It's gorgeous.

Wait till you feel the sheets.

They're like butter.

I'm gonna have to call you back.

I gotta go thank someone.

Okay, well, can you tell him that our fridge is kind of old too?

Okay.

Bye.

♪ ♪ [KNOCKING]

- Hi.

- Hi.

What are you doing here?

I didn't know you were really going to buy me a new bed.

Ah.

You like it?

I love it so much that I thought I'd spend my lunch hour thanking you in person.

Mm.

Is it wrong of me to say that a part of me just...

really misses you there?

Yeah, I really miss being there too.

But it's okay, because I...

I did it for the woman I love.

Did you just tell me you love me?

I think I pretty much had feelings for you for...

16 years.

[LAUGHING]

What?

Since you were 26, and now you're 42.

It's long enough to know.

[CHUCKLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, good afternoon, you two.

Hello.

[LAUGHS]

What are you doing here?

I'm meeting with Charles.

Oh.

About what?

Oh.

Just, uh...

just two guys trying to figure out their next move.

Yep.

[LAUGHS]

Come on in.

[POP MUSIC BUILDING]

So I will see you tonight?

Of course.

- Bye.

- Bye.

♪ ♪ ♪ I heard you coming again ♪ ♪ You're not that innocent ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Just passing by on a whim ♪ ♪ You're not that innocent ♪