04x23 - The Wonder Years

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Wonder Years". Aired: January 1988 to May 1993.*
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04x23 - The Wonder Years

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♪ Dum-do-dum, dooby-do ♪

♪ Dum dum, dum-ooh-dum ♪

♪ Mm dooby-do ♪

♪ Come softly, darling ♪

♪ Come softly, darling ♪

♪ Come softly, darling ♪

-Once upon a time,
life was simple.

Cars were big.

Gas was cheap.

Front lawns were green.

And everybody liked ike.

-♪ You're my obsession... ♪

-The good guys were good...

And the bad guys were bad.

You knew where you stood.

Then in 1968,
something happened...

Something big.

I turned 12 years old.

I entered junior high school.

That was me.

-♪ What would you do
if I sang out of tune? ♪

♪ Would you stand up
and walk out on me? ♪

♪ Lend me your ears,
and I'll sing you a song ♪

♪ I will try not to
sing out of key, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, baby, I get by ♪
- ♪ by with a little help
from my friends ♪

-♪ All I need is my buddies ♪

-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ♪ - ♪
try with a little help from my friends ♪

-♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa ♪

-♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

-♪ Somebody who
knows quite sure ♪

♪ Baby ♪

-♪ By with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ Said I'm gonna make
it with my friends ♪

-♪ Try with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ Oh, I'm gonna
keep on trying ♪

-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep on
trying now, baby ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪♪

-♪ There's somethin'
happenin' here... ♪

-For three years between
1968 and 1971, I went to school...

Here, robert f.
Kennedy junior high.

Through those
portals lay a world

The likes of which
we'd never seen before.

The world of...

Higher education.

-Now, if I hear any giggling,

If I see any smirking,
this class is over.

Do you read me, people?

Over.

-Sex-ed class... 7Th grade.

-Now...

The female reproductive
organs look like this.

-All right!

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-Unfortunately, it looked
more like a cow's head to me.

-Now...

Who can tell me what these are?

Yes?

-The ears?

-Apparently, I wasn't alone.

-The...

Ovaries.

The ears would be...

Up here.

-Uh, w-why don't you
draw the whole lady

S-so we know where
everything goes?

-Yeah, the whole lady.

-Yeah, the whole lady.

-All right.

-Fact was, the
teachers I had at rfk

Ranged from the ridiculous...

To the sublime.

-Hello, kevin.

-Hi, miss white.

-♪ Wa... ♪

♪ Wa... ♪

To sustain the note...

-From the exasperating...

- Air flow out gently.

- To the intimidating.

-Kevin arnold.

You're wayne's
brother, aren't you?

-Well...

-You've got a tough
row to hoe, young man.

A tough row to hoe.

-From the ineffectual...

-Do not try this at home.

- To the indecipherable.

-Yes?

-Um...

I have a question about my quiz.

About the grade.

Well, it's a "d."

-Yes, it is.

-Well, i... Think it
might be wrong.

-You're right.

Number five should be -1/2.

That's half off.

This is a d-.

-Not that I didn't learn
anything from my teachers.

-Thank you for calling
that to my attention.

-Oh.

-It's just that, as with
most adolescents...

Mom?

My real education began
at home, from my family.

Mom?!

Yeah?

-I-i was just asking you

About where our
family came from.

I mean, what are we?

-What are we?

-Yeah. You know,
like, paul's jewish,

And winnie's irish,
so what are we?

-Oh. Well, gosh, kevin.

That's kind of hard to...

Well, let me... Let me see.

Jack's mother is italian.

Well, actually,
she's half-italian

'Cause her mother's romanian.

And then, his father's
polish. Pretty sure about that.

Then, my great-grandfather
came over from scandinavia.

He came over a long time ago

And married my
great-grandmother,

Whose parents were welsh.

But, of course,
she grew up in ohio

Before they moved to detroit.

-My mother instilled in
me a deep appreciation

For the importance of
family and knowing your roots.

-Or was it norway?

-Then, of course...
There was my father.

Dad? We've got to talk.

-Huh?

-The man who taught me

The intricacies of
progressive parenting.

Can you think of one good reason

Why I shouldn't be able to play
football with the other guys?

I mean, I bet you played
football without any equipment

When you were a little kid,

And I've been playing
for a very long time now,

And nothing's ever
really happened.

And the guys are really
counting on me to play tonight.

-So?

-So, can we play or not?

-Sure. Go ahead.

-Touchdown!

-I don't think it's
a good idea, jack.

-You heard your mother.

-I'll tell you what to do.

-My sister taught me the
concept of independence.

-This is a democracy, isn't it?

Then exercise your rights!

-But how do we do that?

-Simple.

There's a planning board meeting
every sunday night, downtown.

You should demand to be heard.

You should fight
for what's important.

You have to take action.

Kevin, we are the people.

-I think we should do it.

-Yeah.

-Great! Let's go!

Can you give us a ride?

-Not me.

I got a date.

-This louis guy's
a major butthead!

And, by accident of birth...

Ladies and gentlemen,
my brother, wayne...

A pillar of support
in times of crisis.

-So he's a butthead.
It's just karen.

-So, he said stuff to mom.

-So?

-And he's a radical...

You know, like at college?

-So?

-And he and karen are lovers.

And I'm not sure if
karen knows about this,

But he's got another
lover... Named marisa.

-Whoa!

Two lovers?

You know, I bet they
do it in the microbus.

I mean, I swear I saw it
rocking back and forth before.

You know what we could do?

We could drill a hole
in it and set up a camera.

You know, I bet sometimes,
when he's doing it with karen,

He shouts, "oh, god, marisa!

Oh, god! Oh!"

Hamster patrol.
- Stay out of here, wayne.

"Stay out of here, wayne."

Now, mother told you to be sure

To clean up after
those little devils.

-Give me that. Stop it.

Wayne.

-Whoo-hoo!

-Wayne, get out of here!

-Work, work, work. That's
all I ever do around here.

- Get out of here.
- Just trying to help...

-Get out of here!
You're gonna hurt them!

-Now, would I do
something like that?

I'm just trying to...

-No! Wheezer!

-Tonight, while you sleep, pal!

-All in all, I guess
you could say

My family was kind of a proving
ground for the lessons of life.

Dad, have you ever
thought about your life?

-Huh?

-I mean, if you had
to write about it,

What would you say?

-I get up at 5:00
in the morning.

I fight traffic.

I bust my hump all day.

I fight traffic again.

And I come home.

Then I pay my taxes.

The end.

-I learned a lot of things
from a lot of people.

- "Friends"?!

- Unh!
- I'll give you "friends"!

-Unh!

Too bad I never learned how
to deal with the opposite sex.

I really didn't
understand girls.

I mean... And let me
be absolutely clear

About what I mean.

I really... Didn't...
Understand... Girls.

Spock, where are we?

-It appears, captain,

That we are on an alien planet

Inhabited by strange
beings with long hair

And very short skirts.

-Who are you? What
do you want from us?

We're men! Men!

-Hi, kevin.

-What are you doing here?

-I was just taking a walk.

It's a little hectic at
my house right now.

Do you need any help with this?

-No, that's okay.
I can handle it.

It's part of my
"really neat summer."

-Oh.

Well, maybe we can
talk about it tonight,

At the party.

-Yeah, well, I don't
think I'm gonna be there.

-Oh.

-Well? Did you
show it to anybody?

-Show what?

-Well, the yearbook.

You know, what I wrote?

-Oh.

-Yeah, well, you can just
forget about it, okay?

'Cause I didn't
mean a word of it.

I mean, you can
just rip out the page

And throw it in the
garbage because...

Let's face it... Women
were an enigma.

But in a lot of
ways... So was life.

And I was only in junior high.

-This is the time and this
is the place to be alive.

-♪ People try to put us d-down ♪

-♪ Talkin' 'bout
my generation... ♪

-In the years
between 1968 and 1971,

A lot of people were tuning
in, turning on, and dropping out.


-♪ ...awful c-c-cold ♪

-♪ Talkin' 'bout my generation ♪

-♪ I hope I die
before I get old ♪

-♪ Talkin' 'bout my generation ♪

- As for me,

I was busy just trying to
survive junior high school.

And it wasn't easy.

Probably wouldn't have made it

Without my best
friend, paul pfeiffer.

-Holy cow!

-Try not to drool on it, okay?

If karen finds out I
have this, she'll k*ll me.

-Paul, your mother called.

She wants you to
come home right away.

-Okay.

Well, I guess I'll see
you at the bus stop.

-Yeah.

-Last night I had a dream

That when I got to school, I
realized I had no clothes on.

-If you're naked when
you get to the bus stop,

I'll tell you.

-Thanks.

-Paul and I were inseparable.

-I don't want to talk to you!

-Paul, look, I know I
hurt your feelings,

And I'm really, really sorry.

And I'm gonna make it up
to you really, really soon.

-I said I don't want
to talk to you!

Anybody who could
be so mean and...

Hey, where are you going?!

-Oh, I'm gonna be right back,

And then you can be as
mean to me as you want.

-Hey, wait a minute!

Fine! Go!

Heidi wore perfume today,
the kind I'm allergic to.

But when I sneezed,
she said, "gesundheit."

She could have
just said "bless you,"

But she gave it to me in german.

-You're an animal, paul.

-Yeah.

I'm gonna go get an
ice-cream sandwich.

Got to keep up that strength.

-It was a relationship
based on mutual support.

Well, at least I'm not
an ugly, four-eyed jerk

That nobody likes!

-Total butthead!

-Loser!

Okay, so we had the
occasional difference of opinion.

Somehow, we always managed

To find our way
home to each other.

We didn't really have a choice.

Like it or not, we were friends.

Hi, you guys.

-Paul, me... Not to
mention winnie cooper.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Are you guys mad at me?

-What do you mean?

-Well, yesterday in the hall...

You just looked like
you were mad at me.

-I don't know what
you're talking about.

-Yeah, me neither.

-Okay. Forget it.

-Hey, winnie.

Um...

How come you're
wearing your glasses?

-Huh?

-How come you're
wearing your glasses?

-Oh. I lost one of my contacts.

I look so stupid
in these things.

-No, you don't.

You look good.

I'm serious!

You look much smarter.

In fact, paul and I were
just saying the other day

How dumb you look in contacts.

Weren't we, paul?

-Oh, yeah. Tell me about it.

-No, really.

I'm surprised your teachers
haven't started grading you down

Just because you look dumb.

-Oh, you're one to talk.

-Hey, I'm just being honest.
I would not lie about this.

Would I lie about this, paul?

-I've known him for 12 years,
and he would not lie about this.

You definitely look
stupid in contacts.

-You guys!

-Who's gonna tell you these
things, if not your friends?

But, of course, winnie and
I were more than friends.

-"Hi, I'm kevin arnold.

"And I'm really nice
to people's faces,

And then I cut them
down behind their backs!"

Oh, are you sick?

Here... I'll take care of you!

- Winnie...
- What's the matter?

Stomach feeling a
little queasy, is it?

Feels like the least little
thing might set it off?

-Winnie, please.

-Maybe I should get
you something to eat!

How about some coleslaw?

Liver?

Fried squid?!

Kevin!

-Winnie... I just want
you to know that...

I know.

No, you don't have
to say anything.

Just... Know that I know. Okay?

-Know what?

-Winnie! Paul told me!

And I'm glad he did!

-Paul told you?

-Well, yeah! Isn't that great?!

-Paul told you?!

-He says you're crazy about me!

Those years were like
a long journey for me.

Looking back,

It was a time when we
were still very small...

And the world seemed very big.

And I think about those
days again and again...

Whenever some blowhard

Starts talking about the
anonymity of the suburbs

Or the mindlessness
of the tv generation...

Because I know I'll never
forget those times...

Those years of wonder.

I'm sorry.

About brian.

And I'm sorry...

About what I said today.

It wasn't true.

-I know.

-♪ There are places I remember ♪

♪ All my life ♪

♪ Though some have changed ♪

♪ Some forever, not for better ♪

♪ Some are gone,
and some remain ♪

♪ All these places
had their meanings ♪

♪ With lovers and
friends I still can recall ♪

♪ Some are dead
and some are living ♪

♪ In my life, I've
loved them all ♪

♪ But of all these
friends and lovers ♪

♪ There is no one
compares with you ♪

♪ And these memories
lose their meaning ♪

♪ When I think of love
as something new ♪

♪ Though I know I'll
never lose affection ♪

♪ For people and things
that went before ♪

♪ I know I'll often stop
and think about them ♪

♪ In my life, I love you more ♪

♪ Though I know I'll
never lose affection ♪

♪ For people and things
that went before ♪

♪ I know I'll often stop
and think about them ♪

♪ In my life, I love you more ♪
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