12x10 - Pandemic

[bunniefuu]

I'm going down to South Park
Gonna have myself a time

Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation

Going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind

Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"

Heading on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind

Come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mine

I don't get it, Kenny.

Why did you buy razors
and shaving cream?

Shave your balls?
Why would you shave your balls?

Girls like shaved balls?

What girl is going to see your balls?

Jesus! There's another one.

Another pan flute band.

Have you guys noticed there's bands
like this everywhere you go lately?

Yeah, I saw like three of those bands
down in Denver yesterday.

All their crappy music sounds the same.

I'm so sick of hearing this music
everywhere I go.

I think Kenny likes it.

- I got to get home for dinner.
- Yeah, me too.

- God!
- Shut up already!

I'm out of here. See you, guys.

Tonight, the Travel Channel
takes you to London.

London has something for everyone:
sights, theatre,

and wonderful street performers.

- They're in London, too?
- Hey, time for dinner, guys.

- All right, kids, dig in.
- Where's Dad?

He's upstairs videotaping
your grandfather in the bathtub.

- Why?
- Because ever since your father

got that stupid video camera,

he thinks he has to film
everything the family does.

All right, here we are. Marsh family
gathered for another dinner.

Randy, we have plenty of video
of us eating dinner.

There's Shelly.
You excited about dinner, Shelly?

- Turn it off, Dad.
- Look. Stan's eating a Tater Tot.

Wave to the camera, Stan.

Jesus Christ!

Neat-o! It's one of those
Peruvian pan flute bands.

Stan, go out and stand with them.
I can get a sh*t.

I will play this card to move Kyle back
seven spaces. Screw you, Kyle.

- And, all right, your turn, Kenny.
- You guys, you guys, check this out.

I saw another Peruvian flute band
outside my house last night.

So?

So I just sat there
and watched them for a while.

Guess how much money they made
selling their crappy CDs?

- How much?
- Over 200 bucks.

- $200%
- Really? Are you sure?

Yeah, dude. I'm starting to realise
it's like the easiest job in the world,

- You know? I mean, we could do that.
- Become a Peruvian flute band?

Yeah. Why not? We get
some instruments and some costumes

and then make some crappy
pan flute music CDs on my computer.

Oh, my God! We're going to make
so much f*cking money, you guys.

Yeah.

But where are we going
to get the money

to buy costumes and instruments?

- Craig, dude, how you doing, bro?
- Fine.

Cool, awesome. Craig, remember
you were telling us how your grandma

- Gave you 100 bucks for your birthday?
- Yeah.

Craig, how would you like
to turn that $100 into $1,000?

Come on in, Craig.
Have a seat. Welcome.

What do you guys want?

Craig, we have chosen you
to join our Peruvian flute band.

All right, Craig.

You mean like those guys
you see at all the tourist spots?

There's a reason they're everywhere,
Craig. Because they make bank.

We just need your money to buy
some instruments and make some CDs.

And we'll double your money
in one afternoon, Craig.

You guys never hang out with me,
you never invite me to do stuff,

but now you want me
to be in a band with you

because my grandma gave me $100.

Craig, don't be an assh*le.

I'll go get the money.

All right, guys. Just like we rehearsed it.
You ready, Craig?

- All right, let's jam.
- And a one and a two and a...

- Wow, that's such cultural music.
- Very cultural, yes.

Por favor, buy our CDs de música.

How cultural.

This is awesome.

You see, Craig?

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, you guys can't play here.
We were here first.

This is our Peruvian flute band's turf.
You got that?

God damn it.

Come on, guys.

Jesus Christ.

Ladies and gentlemen, our nation
and our world is facing an economic

and ecological crisis
of disastrous proportions.

I'm talking, of course,
about Peruvian flute bands.

The red dots indicate

where the highest concentrations
of Peruvian flute bands are.

All over the world,
wherever there are tourists or shoppers,

there are now, on average, 65 Peruvian
flute bands per square kilometre.

- General?
- France, Japan

and the north-eastern United States
are currently the hardest hit.

Make no mistake.
This is a pan flute epidemic.

A pandemic?

Three countries in Asia
and seven in Europe

have already asked for our help in
getting rid of their Peruvian flute bands.

We will need every resource available
to see this through.

Excuse me, but... Aid other countries?

- Senator?
- With all due respect,

we need to be dealing
with our own pan flute bands.

Let other countries fend for themselves.

You heartless bastard.

This country was founded on beliefs
in freedom and integrity.

And we will not sit back and do nothing

while less fortunate countries
are ravaged by Peruvian flute bands.

Is that clear?

As Director of Homeland Security,

I am taking control of the m*llitary
until the crisis is contained.

Go. Go.

Serves you right, assholes.

Come on, everybody.
Move. Let's go. Let's go.

- One more over here.
- Let's go. Get them out.

Clear out. Move. This is a Homeland
Security operation, people. Let's go.

Hey, back off.

Make sure all pan flute music CDs
are contained.

There's Sharon and Shelly.
They're watching some television.

Wave to the camera, Shelly.

What are you watching, guys?

- The news.
- Huh?

We're watching the news.

That's the TV in our living room,
still showing commercials right now.

What do you think
about the television, Shelly?

The news is starting.

The government efforts to stop
the Peruvian flute band crisis

are now in their third day.

In cities all over the world, flute bands
have been removed and quarantined,

but more may still be out there.

Homeland Security is requesting that
if you see a Peruvian flute band,

do not approach it,
mark down the flute band's location,

and do not under
any circumstances buy their CDs.

The flute bands
that have been contained

are being taken
to a quarantine area in Miami.

Excuse us. Hello?

Excuse me, sir?

Sir, there's been a misunderstanding.
Could I talk to you for a minute?

Sir? Sir, could we talk to you
for just a second?

Get back.
I'm not buying any of your damn CDs.

No, sir,
there's been a big misunderstanding.

We actually aren't a...

I said I'm not buying any g*dd*mn
CDs today. You got that? I'm sick of it.

"Hey, Craig. You know that money your
grandma gave you for your birthday?

"How would you like to invest
in a Peruvian flute band?

"You can double your money
in one afternoon.

"Come on, Craig. Don't be an assh*le."

Attention, Peruvian flute bands.

We appreciate your cooperation
and patience.

Tomorrow you will be boarding ships.

Which will take you
to Guantanamo Bay.

Where you will spend
the rest of your lives.

Guantanamo Bay?
We can't go to Guantanamo Bay.

Don't worry, you guys.

I'm sure our parents are freaking out
right now, trying to find us.

Please, Mr. and Mrs. Tucker,

our boys were last seen
hanging out with your son, Craig.

Do you have any idea
where they could have gone?

No. I'm telling you this isn't
like Craig at all. I'm really worried.

- You've checked with the police?
- Nobody knows anything.

It's like the boys just vanished.

None of the other kids
have seen them since...

Randy, will you put that thing down?

What is wrong with you?
Our son is missing.

- Hey, I'm worried about him too, Sharon.
- Well, then stop being an idiot and help.

Maybe the boys all ran away.

Were any of your boys
upset about anything?

All we know is they were seen hanging
out with Craig and now they're gone.

This is exactly why I told Kyle
not to hang around that boy.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- To be honest, Mrs. Tucker,

we think Craig
is a bad influence on our boys.

Now wait just a minute.

I'm just saying that your son
has some problems...

Like every kid
doesn't have some problems.

Obviously, Craig has gotten them
into some kind of trouble.

- Oh, my God!
- This is good.

Sir, good news. Looks like we did it.

Every major city is reporting zero
Peruvian flute bands. We got them all.

All right! We did it!

Calm down, people.
We still have work to do.

We have to take out the place
these flute bands came from,

so they never come again.

We don't know
where they came from, sir.

We've been researching,
but we can't figure it out.

Well, think about it, idiot.

Where else would
Peruvian flute bands come from?

- The country is in the name.
- No, sir, we checked the entire map.

There isn't a country called
"Peruvian" anywhere.

Not "Peruvian," retards.
Peru. It's right here.

"Peru."

Now, I want a plan in place
to take out Peru once and for all.

Is that really necessary, sir?
Seems a little extreme.

Yeah.

Peruvian flute bands
will never stop annoying us

- Unless they are stopped at the source.
- Sir, you better come quick.

One of the pan flute bands
was caught trying to escape.

See? God damn it.

"The Llama Brothers.
Tapas and Moodscapes."

This is a mistake, sir.
We aren't really a Peruvian flute band.

Right. You just play pan flute music
at the mall

and sell CDs of you with a llama,
but you're not a Peruvian flute band.

We're just kids, you know? We were
just trying to make some money.

We just want to go home.

Which tourist location
were they playing at?

- An outdoor mall in Colorado.
- Look, we're from Colorado.

- We grew up in the United States.
- We speak English.

And we're white.

Let me talk to you guys out here.

- Well, what do you think?
- I don't know what to make of it, sir.

It's like nothing I've ever seen before.

Clearly they are a Peruvian flute band,
and yet they aren't.

They play pan flute music
like the others,

but they talk and act like one of us.

I agree.
They're obviously some kind of hybrid.

A hybrid? How is that possible?

Perhaps a Peruvian flute band mated
with one of our females. Who knows?

Well, however they came to be,

they're about the only piece of good luck
we've had.

Sir?

If they are the hybrid we're talking about,

then they could be our way
of taking out Peru once and for all.

Do you guys know why nobody else
at school likes hanging out with you?

Because you're always
doing stuff like this.

You're always coming up with
some stupid idea to do something,

and then it backfires, and then
you end up in some foreign country,

or in outer space or something.

That's why no one likes
hanging out with you guys.

You're being extremely negative, Craig.

All right. Here's the deal.

Maybe you are on our side
and maybe you aren't,

- But if you help us, we'll get you home.
- Help you how?

You're able to walk amongst
the Peruvian flute bands.

They see you as one of them.

We are going to send you
to their capital.

Can we please just go home, sir?

We still don't know
whose side you're on.

You do this and we'll know.

- You leave for Peru in the morning.
- No. No, I'm not going to Peru. Not Peru.

- Kyle, calm down.
- You know I can't go there, Stan.

One of our friends was r*ped in Peru.
It was very traumatic.

You don't have a choice.
Either you go to Peru,

or you get locked up forever
with the other flute bands.

Thompson, can you come over here?

The flute band players
won't shut up about something,

and I can't understand them.

They're saying something like,

"You can't send us away.
We are the protectors."

Protectors from what?

- What does that mean?
- I think he said "the furry death."

This is CNN.

The last of the Peruvian flute bands
have successfully been eradicated

from every part of the world.

Paul Harris is at
the shopping promenade,

and, Paul, pretty nice not having any
Peruvian flute music there, I suspect.

Really welcome silence, Tom.

There hasn't been a Peruvian
pan flute band in sight for days now,

and everyone is really
enjoying the peace.

The world can breathe a collective
sigh of relief now as we thank the...

What the...

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ.

There's something else here.
It's not a Peruvian flute band. It's like...

- Oh, my God! What is that thing?
- Paul, what are you seeing?

It's furry. It's very furry.

Okay. Obviously something different
has shown up.

Did he say "furry"?

Okay, we're experiencing some...

Oh, my God! What is that thing?

All right,
we're about 800 kilometres from Peru.

There'll be a truck
to take you inside the border,

where you'll be briefed
on mission specifics.

Was there ever a moment

when you guys first came up
with the genius plan

to become a Peruvian flute band
that any of you said,

"Hey, you know,
this plan might backfire"?

No, that never occurs to you.

Because you guys are jerks
and you never learn from your mistakes.

And that's why everyone at school
thinks you guys are assholes.

That's not true. Kids at school like us.
Don't they?

Yeah, dude,
kids at school totally like us.

Craig's just being a d*ck because
we're having a tough time right now.

I'm being a d*ck?

Yes.

You guys took my birthday money,
got me arrested and sent to Miami

with no way home except
to take down the country of Peru,

and I'm being a d*ck?

- There's no talking to this guy.
- All right, fine, Craig.

When we get back home,
we'll get you your money back

and we'll never talk to you again.
How's that?

That would be great. Thank you.

This is wrong.
This just doesn't make any sense.

Why would Homeland Security
send us into Peru?

I don't know. It just feels like there's
got to be something else going on here.

Please, I don't know where else to turn.
The police haven't been any help.

I think our boys might really be
in trouble this time.

Yes, yes. Please check
and call me right back. Thank you.

Randy, I swear to God,
if you don't put that thing away...

Sharon, you're going to be glad
I have all this footage

of the family someday.

I mean it, Randy, that's enough!

You don't have to videotape
every single...

What the hell was that?

Oh, my God!

Something's going on outside.
Stay here.

- What's going on, Dad?
- Get back to your room, Shelly.

- What's going on?
- They're all over the place.

- What are?
- They're really furry.

What did that?

What is that thing?

Mr. Marsh, you have to move.
It isn't safe to be here.

Oh, my God!

Go, go, go! Go back the other way.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God, I'm so startled.

- Sir, we've got a bigger problem.
- And what might that be?

New reports are coming in
from cities all over the world.

Word of massive destruction
and death by what appear to be...

Guinea pigs?

Yes, sir. How did you know?

You were so close to figuring it all out,
Davis. Did you know that?

- Sir?
- I really thought you had me in Miami,

but you just couldn't quite
put the pieces together.

You...

You knew this was going to happen.

This is only the beginning, Davis,
and I can't let you interfere.

Sorry, my friend, but I've worked
too hard to make all this happen.

The pan flute bands are
on their way to their deaths,

the guinea pigs are rising,

and the only person
who could have stopped all this

is on his way to the middle of nowhere.